I feel like I'm losing it.

[onthebrinkofitall]

Ok, so I've been on the coping boards here.. as my STBXH left me about 3 months ago. Well, I have 3 children - ages 5, 4, and 2. The man I married is not the father of any of them. My two oldest have the same father and my youngest has a different father. Both fathers live in a different state, about 700 miles away. I feel like my entire life is a disaster and I resent my children for it. While the logical side of me realizes my problems are not their fault, I have an emotional side that has a tendency to take over. I don't blame them, I just can't stand them a lot of the time. I feel terrible for feeling this way but I can't seem to change it. My older children's father is a drug addict and sees them 2 - 3 times a year. My youngest has never seen his father and he has nothing to do with my son. Point being, I rarely get a break. I'm a stay-at-home.. I work a little, when I can. Hardly anyone watches my kids for me and I can't afford a babysitter. I can barely afford my bills right now. Even when someone watches one of my children, I still have 2 left at home. All 3 of them are only gone once or twice a year, for a very short period of time. I hear about these kids who go to their dad's every other weekend or go stay the weekend with grandma.. I don't have this kind of break. I seriously feel like I'm losing it. I yell at my kids a lot. I don't hit them, for anyone wondering. Everytime they ask me a simple question, it annoys me. I can't even go see a counselor because there's no one to watch the kids while I do. I can't get a full-time job because no daycares around here are open 'til midnight, and that's the only job hours I can get right now. I'm a CNA and no one ever starts out on days, only evening shifts are available. I've looked for other jobs but with the economy the way it is, no places are hiring right now, not even fast food places. I don't know what to do and no one in my family will help me.. they think I just need to "handle my ****", as they so kindly put it. I'm tired of living this way.. but I don't know what to do.

[Eve]

You need to stop shouting at the kids and get some sort of focus. They are innocent.

 

In the UK we have 'Homestart' which is a charitable organisation who support parents with children who are under 5. Find somewhere like this to get support NOW.

 

Find a way to build a life for yourself away from the two avenues you are looking at at the moment; no man to help and no job.

 

Sweetheart, it is the small things which count. Build in lots of small moments of happiness into your day and the rest will follow.

 

If you feel unable to cope in an unsafe way or get depressed.. go to your Doctor.

 

Promise me, please.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Stung]

I'm very sorry your family is no help, and it seems the kids' biological fathers have no interest in being real fathers, which is repugnant. I hope you are pursuing them in court so at least they take part in their own children's lives financially, that will help a little. Don't let them get away with giving no help at all, they are these kids' parents too.

 

I agree with the above posters advice, you need to look into government or non-profit program assistance and see if you can find some temporary aid. Don't be embarrassed, situations like yours are what they're there for. Perhaps in this way you can find a care program that can take all three of your kids sometimes to give you a moment to breathe, or at least let you work full-time.

 

In the meantime, you're certainly in between a rock and a hard place but your children are not the ones who put you there. YOU made the choices that led to your situation. You need to take deep breaths, try to get centered, and remember that your young children are innocents.

[wishing4thefuture]

I seriously feel like I'm losing it. I yell at my kids a lot. I don't hit them, for anyone wondering. Everytime they ask me a simple question, it annoys me. I'm tired of living this way.. but I don't know what to do.

 

Okay, first off: Forgive The Kids. Then Forgive Yourself. Okay.

 

Now, move on: replace t.v. watching with reading educational materials and doing at home exercise routines. find any and all community programs available available for the children (REC Center, afterschool, anything peer oriented..).. and enroll them; the extra time will allow you to use your time to much better affect.

~~~~~~~~

the educational materials (available from the library/anything your interested in) will keep your mind sharp and focused on self improvement. the exercise routines will keep you feeling good even if other aspects of life start to dwindle.

~~~~~~~~

"the children are innocent", while true; is a gross oversimplification of the situation.:

~~~~

they are as much a part of the family as you are and can be expected to behave accordingly. they need responsibilities in the household. they also need age appropriate entertainment materials.

~~

The most important thing to remember here is that you are not trapped in a situation with no way out. Things do not need to get worse and could change drastically at any moment. Rather than focus on how difficult household life has been recently simply give yourself a fresh start.

~

Tomorrow, is the day you clean what needs to be cleaned. The children are asked to complete assignments and if need be everyone screams at each other. You can cry, you can throw out any unneeded possessions, you can even tell the children that life is going to change completely and that you need their help.

~

It would be okay to level with them.. "from now on, we can't fight.. we are having trouble surviving and need to work as a team.. we have to cooperate, you can't take things for granted and i don't have the energy to yell at you any more, and you don't ever need to be yelled at again.. im sorry, and i need your help."

~

As uncomfortable as it is the emotional stability of your household is more important than any toy they might have. I know it sounds harsh, but if you find yourself going white with anger as they ignore you and their responsibilities in the household, it is acceptable to give them one warning:

~~for example~~

"Please clean the bathroom."

~~if ignored~~

"Last chance, I don't have energy to tell you again."

~~ignored again~~

No more words. No more warnings. Try not to take something completely dear to them or something sentimental but a favorite video game is not nearly as important as your mental and physical health. Use that energy to walk to the driveway and smash that disc on the ground. Let them scream this time.

~~

Again, as uncomfortable as it is, you're in it together. Its not fair for you to be running around in circles trying to get them to cooperate while not much gets accomplished. Read ""The Boxcar Children"" to them and let them know that if need be that is where the family will end up.

~~~~

It's harsh, but the closer you get to true poverty and lack of basic needs without fighting with your family, the better you start to work as a team and appreciate each other. Game nights, discussions, trips to the library, walks in the park, all need to replace the activities that seem to keep everyone in their own angry little world.

~~~~~~~~

As the adult in your household you are responsible for their well being while at the same time are able to set the rules. You should not have to raise your voice, and please don't tell them that. Just start tossing stuff in the trash and let them cry about it, it is a sad situation.

~~~~~~~~

Best of luck and remember that in true times of need you will manage to survive! Do everything you can for yourself and things will work out in the long run!

[Angel1111]

First of all, I suggest that you not have any more kids. Even if you meet the love of your life - don't have any more. Secondly, you might want to keep in mind one obvious fact that seems to be escaping your attention: while all those men have desserted you and left you high and dry, your children are still there. They love you unconditionally, they will be there for you all your life. Now, figure out who really matters here. They do. And then treat them that way.

 

It's simply hard to raise children, particularly on your own. I'm not sure where you live but a lot of neighborhoods have groups that take turns taking care of each other's children. No money involved - just helping each other out. If you live in an apartment or a neighborhood that doesn't have that, then start one yourself. I'm guessing that there's a least one other person living near you that would be happy to do that with you. Even married women like to get a break. And it would be fun for your kids to have other kids to play with sometimes.

 

One of the MOST important things to do in your case is to have a very strict schedule in your home so that you can keep your peace of mind - like making sure they go to bed at a certain time so that you can have time to yourself in the evenings. You'll get more and more time to yourself as they get older and go off to school.

 

You're at a difficult phase with them because they're all young. But just think about what type of adults you're raising; and how you act toward them now has a huge impact. Are you going to be responsible for raising people who feel so emotionally abandoned by their mother that they grow up to be drug users or alcoholics, or are you going to raise children who feel loved by their mother and end up with a huge amount of self-esteem and become successful? It's all up to you and despite how hard things are now, things are sure to change and get better. And in the meantime, don't show your worst side. Learn to deal with the pressures in more positive ways, like looking for people who are willing to help you.

 

While it may seem nuts to surround yourself with more kids, you might want to consider starting a daycare in your home. It's a way to make money and to get to know people around you. I'm not sure what your living circumstances are so only you know if this would work or not. If you can only deal with a certain age range, then limit which kids you take in. It would be a good way to swap services with someone else, too, by giving them a discount to take your kids one day for you.

 

If you haven't already, check craigslist.org for jobs. If you're living in an area where jobs are that scarce, maybe you should consider moving to a bigger city where the recession isn't such an issue. Also, getting involved with an employment agency could open doors for you. Just some thoughts.

 

I do understand that your current situation is very stressful. But just keep in mind the huge impact you have on your children and try to be more positively creative about how you can take tension off of yourself. When you find yourself exhausted and not being able to cope, let your children know that you're overly tired and need a few moments to yourself. Then send them to their room to play or something. That way they know it's not them, but that you're tired. It will probably be hard to do that with your 2-yr-old but your older children can help. Please just learn to show mostly love and kindness toward your children. You'll be glad you did in years to come.

Edited August 30, 2010 by Angel1111

[Clep]

Well you are definitely overwhelmed. Sounds like you logically know none of this is your children's fault but when emotions overwhelm you that is forgotten for the moment.

 

Here some ideas. Some of them may seem feasable and some may not but I will throw them out to you either way.

 

Put an ad in an online free advertising site for coop babysitting. You can share babysitting for free and have some time for yourself. I started that type of thing in my area and it worked great.

 

Call in an agency for free that will help you. There are so many places where you can take your children for free or have them come into your home. They are non profit and can be of immense help.

 

I run a day home. Maybe consider starting something like that. I realize it is hard to be around children right now, but when it is a job and you are paid things are so much easier. I run a full program and am a much better parent because of it.

 

Find out a free service for counselling and take the children. Most free places for low income have a place for children to play for you to go. Phone around and find a place to go.

 

You can probably phone one place and they can lead you to the next until you find the right one.

 

Take your children to church. They can go to Sunday school and you can get an hour or so of time with other understanding supportive adults. My church is a great aid in all sorts of areas. They will even take child for summer weekly camps for free. The people in my church regularly help each other and if someone is in need everyone lends a hand.

 

Rent a room in your place for free in exchange for babysitting at night for you to go to work if you have the room. Maybe have the children share a room if need be to be able to get to work.

 

Have your children in bed at a prompt time. Then you can survive till bedtime and take some down time for yourself. If the house is messy, get them to help clean it up and make a game out of it. Make it a priority with the children to have it cleaned up before bed and rest yourself. If that isn't working do only what you have to and take the time for yourself. The house isn't going anywhere until you get to it. As long as the kids are clean, fed and happy, the floors will get washed some other day.

 

Get some self help books from the library and start reading at night with that time for yourself. You might be amazed with how good you can feel from some positive inspirational reading. After that take a bath, polish your nails, workout or just sleep.

 

I hope some of this helps you.

 

I will have you in my prayers. (((Hugs)))

[candymoon]

There usually is a state sponsored daycare for families on a certain income bracket, though if you are out in the boonies, it may be a drive.

 

I agree on cracking down on the discipline. I only have the 1 child (she is 4) and she gets only one chance. Then time out or a toy taken. You are alone and will have to be quite swift and decisive about discipline of 3 children if you are to get any peace in your house (and if they are going to grow up with less problems).

 

Make the TV and playtime a reward for doing chores & being 'good listeners' (ie, obeying). When winter comes and if you are in an area where you will be trapped indoors with them, then this is extremely important.

 

Evil Mommy Trick #1: TURKEY for lunch- Real turkey, not the processed sandwich slices. The triptophan makes them sleepy and that will encourage a nap . It's good for them and ten shades better than what some moms used to do to get quiet time (like Sudafed and Nyquil ).

 

Nap time--even if they dont nap anymore (try the turkey!), put them in their room for a one-hour quiet time. That will be mommy's break time. I had to do this with my daughter when she THOUGHT she had outgrown naps. After a week of putting her in her room at the same time everyday, she was napping again! Threaten punishment for noise as you bring them to their room, this way you probably wont have to go in shouting five minutes later. Works for my daughter everytime.

 

Parks and playgrounds are free. Take them out right after breakfast and after nap/quiet time while the weather holds. The later morning outside playtime is especially important as it might encourage a good nap/quiet time. Yes, a lot of work, but they are your kids and they will be tired earlier in the day, will sleep better. The changes of scenery will also help YOUR disposition too.

 

Your kids have been through a lot. Seeing their dads come and go, and now another one gone. Perhaps it is a good idea to avoid men or avoid brining them into your childrens' lives until you get a handle on why you're making these choices. I know that's harsh, but in the end you see something in these jerk-offs and are still attracted to them and making children with them. You dont want to skew their idea of relationships and in the long run, have them lose resepct for their mother because they keep watching men come and go every couple of years.

 

With that in mind, when the time allows, do some self-exploration. You are 'angry' with the children and blaming them somehow--when in fact you're blaming yourself for your situation and reflecting it upon them.

[sb129]

Onthebrink, I can understand the feelings of despair- sometimes I just want to stop the world and get off too, and I only have one child and a husband who is pretty helpful.

 

I second the schedule suggestion.

 

My daughter is always without fail in bed by 7pm, all the toys are put away (we have one box that they all go in) and that is quiet time for mum and dad.

 

You can also allocate smaller chores to the older two kids and maybe make up some kind of star chart to encourage them.

 

Also create a space in your home that is yours. It could just be a comfy chair, but make it yours and yours alone so that you have a "haven".

 

I don't have any family in my area, but I belong to a mothers and babies group and we meet up in the park every couple of weeks, and it is just fantastic to have other mothers to b8tch and moan to.

 

We also babysit for eachother for free, we just go on a tit for tat basis, which is great because we can't really afford a sitter either.

[controlledchaos]

hi! i am a sahm to 5 kids, all young and close like yours ( 9,7,5,3 and 19 mo). it's HARD, that's the truth. but, somewhere along the line you have to make the decision to not take things out on the kids.

 

i know that our local domestic violence/ social justice office holds parenting classes and support groups. they also have free counseling for kids and moms. taking aggression out verbally on kids is never the right choice.

 

in my house discipline is key because otherwise everything goes to crap. my kids KNOW i mean business too. i always follow through. kids learn fast when you don't follow through and they will continue to test you time and time again. that doesn't mean the consequence has to be angry or mean. just follow through. if you say NO DESSERT, then that means, no dessert. if you say NO TV. then that means, no tv.

 

we got rid of our TV. and the kids are limited to what they can watch on netflix via the Wii. we don't do a lot of video stuff, because it's too inactive and addictive. we spend a lot of time outside. recently i have started printing off activities like words, letters, and number games. coloring sheets, etc. and my kids LOVE those. i make things with them, like playdoh. i homeschool. so, we do a lot of educational stuff. learning how to read and do math, etc. my kids LOVE the park and walks around the block. they like field trips, farms, zoos. we do the FREE ones!!!

 

most of all, remember that kids need respect too. sit down with them and talk, really talk, if you can. if you can't see if you can get them appointments ( and yourself as well) at a local womens' shelter.