should i get married?

[still not sure]

Ok, i'm 28 years old and been with the same guy for about 6 years. he's always made it clear he wants to marry me, he has always assumed that we would. we broke up years ago before (mostly my idea) and got back together after a couple months. about a year ago we bought a house together.

 

he is responsible, smart, honest, fun to be around, easy going. if i go somewhere without him i miss him, there is no one else i'd rather spend my time with. but im still not sure about the marriage thing. i do not feel like he is "THE ONE" (mr perfect, we were made for eachother) and that we have some magical type of love, we just have a happy relationship.

 

marriage scares me because i don’t know if i'm supposed to wait for THE ONE or stay with him. is it settling to stay with him? i see lots of people in relationships that aren't as good as mine who want to get married and i recognize that people who think they are marrying THE ONE end up divorced but i dont want to get married an end up unsatisfied.

 

i think he might propose soon but i think about this often anyways. my question is to those of you who are happily married, were there any questions in your mind when you got married? do any of you feel like you are with THE ONE and you knew it instantaneously and think everyone should wait for that? any of you feel like i did before they got married and are now unhappy and/or divorced?

 

some friends of mine who recently got married said they had questions as to whether they should or not before being engaged but after they got engaged everything just felt right. is this normal?

 

i just read this over and i don’t want to make our relationship sound too perfect. i do get annoyed with him at times, he's not as neat as i would like, he's not a very emotional person which can be good because he doesn’t get mad but bad in that he’s not incredibly loving. he doesn’t compliment me as much as i'd like. but overall he is very good to me and i see him make efforts towards improving himself on problems i have with him which is something i think is important.

 

basically i've heard lots of people say "you just know" when they met their partners. i dont "just know", it's been six years and i'm still not totally confident. what do you think that means?

[dyermaker]

If you think something's wrong in the relationship, work on the relationship, nuptials don't make things easier neccessarily, issues should be resolved for beforehand.

 

I'm not certain of your spiritual beliefs, but I find it rather delusional to hold out for "mister perfect"--you'll find that mister perfect looks at porn while you're gone, and has an unhealthy addiction to soda crackers. Nobody's perfect.

[ILoveToToot]

i think if you have to ask, then dont get married to him. you need a relationship that you just do not have to question. sure, pre engagement and during engagement, cold feet is natural, but this much worry and doubt, no way. break it off, one day youll just KNOW.

[still not sure]

thanks for both of your advice. i must admit im a little disappointed, i was hoping the overall response would be "this is normal, sounds like a great relationship, everyone has questions". it is reassuring to read over all the other comments in the past from people who have had similar problems, at least im not alone. ilovetotoot said that thing that i hate to hear (but of course i appreciate your reply) which is "you just know". what i think in response to that is what about all those people who say "they just know" and then are broken up shortly after? i pay attention to what people say about relationships a lot and i've heard that "know" thing so many times and then it doesnt work out. i have no urge to break up at all but i'm not sure about getting married. i wish i had a crystal ball that would show me how my future would be either way, which would be best. i'm getting to the age where these decisions need to be made and i do want to have children so i can't procrastinate much longer. i have talked to my boyfriend about this several times and he is always sure i will come around, it's like he can't see the future any othe way besides us being together. i wish i could be so confident.

[gaia]

People think and worry to different degrees. What some people would accept at face value, others would question. So I think to say "break it off" is a bit previous.

 

Who has a relationship they don't ever have to question? - noone I know.

 

Ask yourself whether you are the sort of person who tends to analyse everything. If so, it is very unlikely that you would make such a life changing decision without a fair amount of soul searching.

 

I have been happily married for 8 years. When I first met my husband, I thought I "knew". Looking back, the real feelings at this time were infatuation and lust! Sometimes people get married on this basis alone, I guess.

 

I don't believe there is one special person for everyone. Apart from anything else the chances of meeting them would be so remote that the human race would have died out by now!

[Arabess]

All I can say is this.....and I think most married people will agree.....if you get married with your feelings where they are...whatever doubts you have NOW....will be multiplied later.

 

No one should get married because they are ready, afraid they won't meet a better person or their biological clock is ticking. They should get married because they can't imagine a life without the other person in it....forever.

 

That's just my opinion though....but I share it with past knowledge in my favor! HAHA! I got married with the same thoughts as you. Now I'm divorced with two children to raise on my own. GAWD, how I wish I would've listened to my intuition!!!!!!!!!

[meanon]

if i go somewhere without him i miss him, there is no one else i'd rather spend my time with.

we just have a happy relationship.

 

These to me say that you love him and want to stay with him. I don't believe there is a mythical perfect love. Besides from anything else people change so much in their lifetimes that what may be perfect now may be less so in 20 years. Being happy is what matters. Neither should we seek to make do with people we are not truly in love with - that's a recipe for disaster.

 

I don't think you should marry with doubts. Do you need to? Can't you just keep living together until you are sure?

[still not sure]

you all have a lot of great insights. i definitely appreciate you sharing your personal marriage experience arabess because to be honest that is what i really want to avoid, ending up divorced several years later or just unhappy in a marriage. i guess really no one can answer my questions but me. in response to meanon yes, he's definitely not forcing the marriage thing at all so we can continue living together but i feel like a decision needs to be made one way or the other, we've lived together 3 years now so it's about time to move forward or move away. i really dont want to move away but im not sure about moving forward. and like gaia had mentioned i do analyze everything so maybe im over thinking the whole situation. does not wanting to ever break up mean you should get married? lord. i have only been in two long term relationships, including this one, and in neither have i been totally satisfied. speaking to other women sometimes i feel like that is a cross women in general often have to bare, never being totally satisfied. i mean a lot of women i know of all ages get frustrated with their men regularly even when they are happily married. maybe take this frustration more seriously then a lot of other women do which leads to my insatiability with men. maybe im just doomed to live a life of always wanting more. a positive thing to me in the way of marriage being good for us is that when i think of him asking me i get happy and excited, and when i think of having a baby with him i get happy and excited. but who knows how i would feel if either thing actually happened. i guess time will tell but i do appreciate that you all took the time to read and reply to my posting.

[whoknows]

Wow, do I understand where you are coming from! Even after 2 marriages I don't have the answer for you.

 

The first time I married (age 24) I wanted the same things you want now. I was phyically attracted to my husband but totally, without a doubt " in love". This is going to sound sooooo cliche... but I grew to love him very much. But we grew up and apart though and it ended badly for all of us (I had 2 children).

 

The second time I thought ...this is it! Still, I lived with him for 10 yrs... just to make sure! Then 1 month before my wedding I fell for someone else!!! I barely knew this guy but there was definitely something there to make me wonder. I fell pretty hard.

 

I went through with the wedding but felt regret and sadness that maybe I made a mistake. I don't know what to tell you except that nomatter how prepared or how in love you are at one point, something or someone can happen to make you question it. We change, others change and still others bring about changes in us, no matter how we fight it.

 

I don't think you are so different than many brides. Some of the ones that are so "sure" may be in denial or embarrassed to admit doubt.

 

Always be in a position to keep your options open though. Please don't ever give up your ability to be self sufficient. If there is any advice I could give you, the previous statement would be it.

Good luck.

 

I went through with the wedding with doubts and

[guest]

thanks for the replies. it's actually helpful if only to see that it's different for everyone. from reading tons of messages on this site it seems a lot of people have some doubts when getting married but strong doubts should be taken into serious consideration. you can never tell what is going to happen in a relationship, and as much as i hate to hear it sometimes you "just know". i've decided to not put so much pressure on myself to want to get married. i just dont want to right now and that is ok. with valentines day and our 3 year anniversary just passing i was thinking about marriage waaayyy too much. someone posted a reply to me in a previous message that the best advice they can give is just to make sure i can take care of myself because you never really know what's going to happen and i thought that was helpful. i mean, what else can i do? i can't predict the future although if i could that would be incredibally helpful. so anyways, i feel a lot better for now and am really glad i found this site.

[The_Fish]

It's a little hard to gauge your own relationship these days...it seems like the vast majority of people are extremely cynical about the whole issue. For instance, I love my girlfriend more than anything, and intend to marry her when I'm better able to support her and myself. I fell for her hard on our very first date, and I realize now, looking back, that it was probably infatuation (since she is the first girl I have ever gone on a date with). But the more time I spend with her, the more time I want to spend with her. Even though I know in my heart that I don't want to be with anyone else, society is still able to cast shadows of doubt on every aspect of my relationship--i.e., will she change once we move in together, etc. It's cliche, but the only way to go is really to trust your own intuition. And that's going to be highly individualized.