deb89 Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 I guess I had this in the wrong forum. I'm new here and I'm somewhat confused. I have a guy friend that is married. (I am too) Lately while we've been working out (we go to the same gym) he's been complaining how he's not happy in his marriage and is bored. He asked me for some advice. I'm trying to help him and be supportive. When I'm online, he'll IM me and we'll chat about things. I found out two weeks ago that he just ended a six month affair with someone. I told him that I too had an affair. He begged me not to tell anyone and I told him I wouldn't. We do flirt back and forth. I guess my confusion is: Does he just want my advice or is he "looking" for something else? My best friend told me he wouldn't IM me if he wasn't interested or tell me about the affair. None of his guys friends know about it. What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
FL Lady Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 I guess I had this in the wrong forum. I'm new here and I'm somewhat confused. I have a guy friend that is married. (I am too) Lately while we've been working out (we go to the same gym) he's been complaining how he's not happy in his marriage and is bored. He asked me for some advice. I'm trying to help him and be supportive. When I'm online, he'll IM me and we'll chat about things. I found out two weeks ago that he just ended a six month affair with someone. I told him that I too had an affair. He begged me not to tell anyone and I told him I wouldn't. We do flirt back and forth. I guess my confusion is: Does he just want my advice or is he "looking" for something else? My best friend told me he wouldn't IM me if he wasn't interested or tell me about the affair. None of his guys friends know about it. What do you all think? I think he wants some on the side. He admitted he is bored. It won't going anywhere though since you are both. Sounds like you are both being flirty. Don't fall for him though. Keep anything you do to yourself. Loose lips sink ships. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 Personally, I think you are playing with fire. You say that you have BOTH had an affair, does that mean you are also not available for anything with anyone other than your partner? FL lady is wrong, loose lips sink ships? Sure they do, and in this case, rightly so. You are contemplating an affair (and you are, assuming you are otherwise attached) and have previously participated in an affair, thus removing your right for choice in this. You do not get the right to keep this lot to yourself, you owe it to your partner to be truthful and honest. Assuming you have one of course. Does it really matter what he wants? He's not available, and is clearly seeking another AP, and that's all you'll ever be. He's not going to change, he's not going to leave his wife for you, his marriage may be fine and dandy for all you know, and he may just be a serial cheat. I don't want to come across as on some 'moral highground' but in the end of it all, why bother with a married man? Who has already had an affair, and god knows how many others he's had too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deb89 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Share Posted August 28, 2010 Yes, I am married and yes, I had an affair for over a year with a friend of mine and I never told anyone. I know he's not available. He's told me though that he's been unhappy for over a year and he's been staying with a friend for a month. I'm not looking for a relationship with him, hell, I'm not even looking for another affair. My question was: From the sounds of it, do you think he just wants my ADVICE OR is he looking for my advice AND an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
streetsmart Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 Please just back away from the computer. I'm no saint, at all, but I can see this a mile coming. If that man really is your friend & wants to progress things with you, and you are ready to leave your partner (if you haven't already) - then taking your time & playing fair will only benefit you. What does this mean? 1. Stop talking about your relationships together. This is emotional intimacy that should only occur with your partner (or your girlfriends, or your brothers or family friends). 2. Make yourself invisible on your iM and stuff & try to avoid him at the gym. Try it and see what happens.... Link to post Share on other sites
streetsmart Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 I didn't see your post before I replied above! Someone very wise once told me this: Men are only your friends if they want to sleep with you, they have slept with you, or they want to sleep with your friend. Now of course that's an overgeneralisation, but this man is obviously unhappy in his marriage, has cheated & is looking for emotional intimacy with someone - possibly as a bridge to leaving his wife. That's a breeding ground for affairs. I think it could be what's on his mind, even if unconciously! Link to post Share on other sites
Author deb89 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Share Posted August 28, 2010 BUT he DOES have feelings for his OW.....he's gone NC and misses her ALOT. He just wants my advice in regards to what to do: ie....stay with wife, leave wife for OW, just be alone. He tells me he's very confused and just wants to talk to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
streetsmart Posted August 29, 2010 Share Posted August 29, 2010 It's a tough one. Perhaps you limit your interactions to emails or IM a few times a week? I'm concerned he may become emotionally dependent on you and you won't be able to extract yourself because you feel odd as you've also exposed your own affair. Does your husband know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deb89 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Share Posted August 29, 2010 Well, it's not like he calls me, texts me, etc.....If I'm online he IM's me and we chat. No, hubby doesn't know I talk to him. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong by talking to him. I asked him if he wanted to go grab a beer some time and chat about his situation, but he hasn't taken me up on it yet. My friend tells me that he should be talking to his guy friends about it. He told me he considers me a friend and feels comfortable talking to me. He swore he would never tell anyone my secret, and I swore the same thing. He knows he can trust me and that I'm discreet. I'm wondering if I should just come right out and ask him what he's getting at Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted August 30, 2010 Share Posted August 30, 2010 Why doesn't your hubby know you talk to this guy? If you are worried about telling your husband, then you already know this is not a healthy relationship. I think this guy just wants to get in your pants. Link to post Share on other sites
KsLost Posted August 31, 2010 Share Posted August 31, 2010 I think it depends on how long you have known this guy too. For instance, I have a guy who I've known since kindergarten, which we have been intimate before and if he told me he was having an affair on his wife and needed advice, I would know he was being sincere and really only wanted to talk. I would def. take caution with this as you have admitted to him that you have had an affair (and your hubby doesn't know about this). Like the poster above me said, if this guy becomes dependent on you he already has the ammo to screw you over. If you really do want to talk to this guy about his problems, I would definitly tell your hubby about his situation. The smiple fact that you are questioning if he only wants advice says a lot. Obviously you have picked up on something else from this man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deb89 Posted September 1, 2010 Author Share Posted September 1, 2010 I've known him for about 4 mos. I haven't spoken to him in a few days. We do flirt alot. But I think if he wanted something "on the side" he would've contacted me by now so I don't think that's the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Rashad Posted September 2, 2010 Share Posted September 2, 2010 Yes, I am married and yes, I had an affair for over a year with a friend of mine and I never told anyone. I know he's not available. He's told me though that he's been unhappy for over a year and he's been staying with a friend for a month. I'm not looking for a relationship with him, hell, I'm not even looking for another affair. My question was: From the sounds of it, do you think he just wants my ADVICE OR is he looking for my advice AND an affair? lol, He is looking for an affair... probably not even interested in the advice. But thats just judging from the information you have given here, people are so complicated even when you think you know them, so yeah I could be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
james3232 Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Someone very wise once told me this: Men are only your friends if they want to sleep with you, they have slept with you, or they want to sleep with your friend. Now of course that's an overgeneralisation. Not really, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Amuxed Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 lol, He is looking for an affair... probably not even interested in the advice. But thats just judging from the information you have given here, people are so complicated even when you think you know them, so yeah I could be wrong. AN AFFAIR!!!...This is o' so true! In the past I have actually created a similar situation. The fact that both have shared this one "secret" it has created a bond of certain intimacy. It wont be long till he gets you in the sack. Link to post Share on other sites
icecjkuok Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 In recent days, I was thinking what on earth did he want to do? Don't call, do not send information, send the information back to... Make me feel are crazy, so I decided to hope to find him ask clarity, you may do so. _____________________ [FONT=Times New Roman] nhl jerseys china [/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
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