The long term effects of an A??

[Valkyrie]

So how many of you out there have hit significant snags when you're pretty far down the road to recovery? Has there been anyone who divorced years later because of lack of stability in the relationship (described by others as the broken/repaired glass analogy)?

 

I'm reaching a point where I really need to make a firm commitment about whether or not I want to be in this R (8 months post D-Day). My BF of 11 years (HS sweethearts) cheated on me with a supposed friend (of 8 yrs) while I was away at school. He has made every effort towards reconciliation since then, but I am doubting my own ability to get over this. I've not dated anyone else, or let another man turn my head since I was 17, and I feel just a bit stupid to sign on for another tour of duty when I've already been burned so badly.

 

I just wish God or someone would step in and make the decision for me based on omniscienct information. Of course I still doubt my own decision making ability, and I'm scared to make an irrevocable choice. If I knew this would never happen again, I would stay with him without hesitation; I can't have that guaranteed, though. Also note that I have no illusions that someone new wouldn't cheat on me just as easily. I've noted in my traversing of the internet in the past few months that it is amazing the number of people who have an A. It seems like half the "adults" in the world are running around with their heads in the fog, groins aflame and hormones raging.

 

I'm sorry it deteriorated into a rant, but pent-up wrath is starting to wear on me.

[Benedict]

it is amazing the number of people who have an A. It seems like half the "adults" in the world are running around with their heads in the fog, groins aflame and hormones raging.

 

Probably more like 80%, by my estimate...

 

But you said it: there are no guarantees. None at all. I experience some anguish here and there over that very issue. While I know that for many reasons I am a lucky husband, there is still sometimes that seed of doubt.

 

If you figure out the answer to that "omniscient information" question, please forward it to me. I know a publisher, and we could both get rich.

[stilltrying]

I know how you feel... I am doubting myself all the time. I honestly feel like I still love my bf of 7 years after finding out about his A, and I seriously feel like he won't do it again... but what the hell does that count for??!! I never thought he would do it in the first place and I am still partially in disbelief. I don;t know if I really believe that we are meant for each other or if I am just hanging on out of sheer stubborness that I couldn't have been THAT wrong about loving him. I am hoping that time will belay these fears (it is only 8 days since I found out)... but I am not feeling too good about that after what I've read. We are going to counseling and I just honestly don't have it in me to give up yet

[Valkyrie]

or if I am just hanging on out of sheer stubborness that I couldn't have been THAT wrong about loving him.

 

Yeah. I think it's a big old ego bash to find out that your judgement is apparently not worth a steaming pile of poo. At least that's how I feel.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I think that your BF might have felt the need to have one last fling before settling down with you. He may have been feeling scared at making that final commitment.

 

As long as you were not married at the time of the affair and he has not done anything since, I would take his fling as just sowing his wild oats.

 

Once you are married that is a different cup of tea.

I would let him know that you will not stand for any further infidelity and if he should even look twice at another woman while you are married, you will kick his butt to the curb!

 

If you love him give him the chance at redemption, but always keep an eye out for any sign of an affair.

 

Wish you luck

TheFaithfulWife

[Valkyrie]

We have been together 11 years, but have been in separate towns for the past four due to my studies at a university (only saw each other on weekends). I was content to be BF/GF until I got my advanced degree finished. He was the one who wanted to get married so badly.

 

According to him, this happened because when I was deeply involved in my studies he thought I was having an A. Instead of airing this with me, he told this to my friend, and she "comforted" him. After the first episode, he felt guilt, but it happened twice more (within three weeks), because he feared she might tell me. When he did make it clear that it was a mistake and not to happen again, she "got herself caught."

 

So here we are, he is doing his best to try and make it up to me. But I just feel like I have *deliberately* chosen to be with a slimy, serpentine good-for-nothing who is just biding his time to screw up again. However, he is showing no signs of it, and doing everything in his power to make life better than it ever was. So I never bring it up in a fight, or act like a martyr. If I am gonna be in this relationship, I need to be a positive force.

 

I never got to confront my supposed friend, and I sorely missed the opportunity to rip her soul out through her ears. The madder I get, the more eloquent I tend to be, and I think I would really like for her children to know why their mommy is an evil succubus who will burn in hell. The *only* thing that kept me from confronting her in front of her children is the fact that I've known those kids since they were born, and they would trust me and listen to me, and I won't take advantage of that.

 

So I guess it boils down to an overabundance of rage, and a lack of targets. My problem to deal with, I know, but I sure didn't ask for it.

[Angel]

Sometimes it is impossible to forgive. You are young. You do not have children. You deserve to have a good man with values you share. You shouldn't live with the bad taste of infidelity that may last many many many years! God puts these situations in our lives because it makes us learn and grow stronger. I am glad you found out about his character before any children came along.

You are lucky. You will understand this when you get a little older.

 

Good luck.

[saintfrancis]

I dated someone 5 or 6 years ago for two years. He cheated on me once that I know of, but I had ample reason to believe there may have been more. Eventually I dumped him. I couldn't imagine being with him for the REST OF MY LIFE. It was the best decision I have ever made. For many years, not a day went by when I didn't thank GOD I was rid of him. I used to shudder at the thought of how close I came to flushing my life down the toilet with him. Ick.

[Skittles]

just wish God or someone would step in and make the decision for me based on omniscienct information. Of course I still doubt my own decision making ability, and I'm scared to make an irrevocable choice. If I knew this would never happen again, I would stay with him without hesitation; I can't have that guaranteed, though...

 

You are right, there are no guarantees...but no rush to make a decision either. I believe given time, you will might a decision that you are comfortable living with..

 

Will it be the right decision? I don't know, you won't know until something indicates otherwise.

 

I have never been able to take back a cheating b/f because my self-pride wouldn't allow it, I am not secure enough as a person to overlook that kind of thing...Plus I am of the school that past behavior is usually a good indicator of future behavior...This school of thought is not hammered into granite, there are always exceptions to the rule, but generally I have seen repeat-offenders confirm this for me.

 

I also don't believe in the one last fling thing. My g/f canceled her wedding! because of a video bachelor party...I thought, gee, that was kinda rash..but after seeing what her Romeo was doing to the hired help at the party, I totally understood why she canned him....Not for her eyes to see stuff like that...maybe ignorance is bliss..but the fact remains, he boffed a few gals two nights before his wedding day!.... Maybe he can eat only one potato chip and never want another one again.............hmmm

 

 

 

 

I wish you luck with your decision.......the good thing is, if you make the wrong one, you will get a chance to eventually make the right one.

[peakey]

"Do you stay, knowing that things will always be a little worse?".

I heard that quote in a movie; it was said by the wife who had just discovered her husband was tempted to have an affair.

 

And it summed it up for me. I stayed with my H for various reasons after his first EA, and even after his first physical affair. But for me, it always felt a little worse. At times it felt a LOT worse. I could never really let go of the feeling that I had become "second best" to my H, and I could never feel trust in him again. Sadly, my H then went and had another affair, and we are now separating. It's been nearly four years since the first affair.

 

We did try working things out before his most recent affair. But it just didn't work. Partly because I could not get over that side of my H's character - I could not go on living with someone who would do that to me. For me, just knowing what he'd done made things "always a little worse." I couldn't get past that, couldn't get over it. Plus, of course, there's the problem of him cheating again!

 

But other people can get past it, and I guess you have to ask yourself if you can live with someone who did that to you. Is life still better with him in the picture, or is it worse now? There's nothing wrong with giving people second chances. And if things don't work out in the future, you can always break up later. If he screws up again, leave him. But if he really shows you that you are number one again, then things might work out.

 

Life is not easy, I'm finding out. If you break up now, things won't be easier. If you stay together, things won't be easier. Whatever you chose to do, life throws challenges at you. You just have to find the way to live up to them.

[Arabess]

There are different kinds of men and different kinds of affairs. Not all men who have affairs are monsters, nor do they repeat the mistake over and over. Then again, some live their whole married life going from fling to fling.....and just because they do....doesn't mean they aren't committed to their families. They just like outside sex.

 

Only YOU can judge what kind of character this guy has.

 

If there is a hesitancy though....you may want to hold off on the 'marriage' deal. It may be your inner voice telling you something.

[feeling silly]

I'm going to apologise before hand because these situations really upset me. I've been separated from my ex for a year now, who had an affair and we have three children together. After all this time I finally started thinking about taking him back, after all his promises and appealing to my softer side. Recently I almost gave in to him.

 

Strange story, but we spent a night together, and every time he touched me I wanted to vomit. The next day I knew it wouldn't ever work for us again, so I broke it to him and sent him on his way. I don't mind one bit that he has to go home now and "lick his wounds". Frankly, I think it looks good on him. Spending that one night with him just reinforced everything I already knew.

 

Sorry for being so blunt, and the sex wasn't even worth it!

[Valkyrie]

Originally posted by Arabess

There are different kinds of men and different kinds of affairs. Not all men who have affairs are monsters, nor do they repeat the mistake over and over.

You know, I'm starting to believe that. I actually posted to a thread on good things in life with a somewhat optimistic response. Well, at least it wasn't too pessimistic.

 

The whole self-righteous mantle is comforting to wear. I mean, it makes me feel superior and I don't have to really look at my own inadequacies if I'm all focused on someone else's BIG screwup. But I'm starting to become uncomfortable with being such an egotistical, judgemental person. So I'm doing my best to try and not be such a Negative Nancy.

[corporal17]

I would just like to make a brief synopsis of the situation. First, you are not married, lucky for you. Second, you do not have children, even luckier for you. I am currently going through a divorce with my soon to be x. We have 1 child. I found out of her infedelity Dec. 28, 2003. Within the next 2 weeks, I found out about 3 other circumstances of infedelity dating back 7 1/2 years (4 years before we were married). My belief has always been Once a Cheater, always a Cheater. However, being she was my wife, and we have a 2 year old son, I desperately tried to save our relationship to no prevail. She blames it on her guilt and her unhappiness, I blame it on the boyfriend. What I have learned is that there are good people out there, men and women, who have good moral values and who will not do this to you. (hopefully I will find one of those people) But picture 8, 10, even 1 year down the road when this happens again, avoid the circumstance. You, I, and anyone else in the situation diserves better. It sucks, there is no other words to describe it. But good luck.

[Arabess]

Valkyrie,

I think anyone who has been cheated on....has every right to feel anyway they want to till they are ready to feel otherwise. It's painful to realize you've been in love with a great big jerk!!! HAHA!

[peakey]

Valkyrie,

 

It is comforting to feel self-righteous, and sometimes that's the only thing that keeps you going day-to-day. I know I contributed to our relationship problems, so I am by no means perfect. But, we all have CHOICES in life. Your BF and my H both chose to do what they did. Considering how lousy you feel about being cheated on, damn right I'm going to hang on to feeling that at least I didn't do what he did. I may not have done all the right things, but I never did something as wrong as he did.

 

Just go by your gut instinct on your BF. Is he usually a good guy? Does he treat you nice in other ways? If so, give him a chance. But if he's not good to you, well....... See, in my case, my H's infidelity was really just another example of his utter selfishness. Always thinking of himself first. But your guy may be different.

[Valkyrie]

He was a very selfish and immature person in small ways before all this (little evils add up and make big ones easier to make). I don't think anyone can participate in an A without being in an extremely selfish phase. But we still had a really good R. See my post in marriage forum under the recent "conversation" thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t33377/

 

Plus I still get poetry. And he remembers every detail of our R, down to the color of my socks the day we met. And countless other romantic or thoughtful things.

 

But gosh darn it, when he finally does f*&k up, he does it on a grand scale. I am weighing one really huge injustice against 11 years of being treated like a queen. Hmmm. . .