I want my husband back

[GKnj]

my husband and i have been together for 4 years, married for 2. a month ago he told me he wants a divorce.. very adamant about divorce. i finally asked him what about a separation.. to which he agreed. i really want to work things out, VERY MUCH. i drove him away but pushing so hard. practically begging him .. ugh, i know.

 

he's young, as am i.. so it almost like i have to play mind games to make him "realize" what he's losing. i know i might sound naive.. but i married this man and we've both made mistakes in this relationship.. but i still want to work on our problems and communication.. i just need him to want that to. OF COURSE i can't MAKE him want to be with me. but i know in his heart, he still loves me and im still in love with him.

 

i guess i just need advice.. because i want him back and i need to show him that im still the girl he fell for.. because i haven't shown him that in a long time. but as a girl, i have no idea what's going through his mind as a guy.. ya know? any advice to "get him back" would be appreciated..

 

thanks!

[tojaz]

my husband and i have been together for 4 years, married for 2. a month ago he told me he wants a divorce.. very adamant about divorce. i finally asked him what about a separation.. to which he agreed. i really want to work things out, VERY MUCH. i drove him away but pushing so hard. practically begging him .. ugh, i know.

 

he's young, as am i.. so it almost like i have to play mind games to make him "realize" what he's losing. i know i might sound naive.. but i married this man and we've both made mistakes in this relationship.. but i still want to work on our problems and communication.. i just need him to want that to. OF COURSE i can't MAKE him want to be with me. but i know in his heart, he still loves me and im still in love with him.

 

i guess i just need advice.. because i want him back and i need to show him that im still the girl he fell for.. because i haven't shown him that in a long time. but as a girl, i have no idea what's going through his mind as a guy.. ya know? any advice to "get him back" would be appreciated..

 

thanks!

 

Well you came to the right place GK, lots of smart people here. Would help to hear what happened so advice can be directed right to you, every situation is different.

 

In the mean time, I would look up the 180 mentioned in many threads here (and someone will post a link shortly Im sure) that would be a good place to start.

 

TOJAZ

[spriggig]

Here 'tis:

In the context of this forum, it's probably from Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[spriggig]

a month ago he told me he wants a divorce.. very adamant about divorce. i finally asked him what about a separation.. to which he agreed.

 

This is a common red flag, especially with men. More often than not it means he's met someone else. IF he has, his primary interest right now is being physically separated from you to pursue the other woman.

 

Implement 180 immediately and look for signs of an affair.

[Tayla]

Welcome to LS! May you read and learn from others here.

[tojaz]

This is a common red flag, especially with men. More often than not it means he's met someone else. IF he has, his primary interest right now is being physically separated from you to pursue the other woman.

 

Implement 180 immediately and look for signs of an affair.

 

Should have mentioned that this would happen as well. Sadly as Sprig knows as wel, this is the case more often then not. BUT it is not a given. Be aware but also don't assume anything until you know for sure. Allegations that are untrue can lead to much more damage being done.

 

TOJAZ

[SpanksTheMonkey]

he's young, as am i.. so it almost like i have to play mind games to make him "realize" what he's losing.

 

thanks!

 

Do you realize what you are losing? if so good learn from that so next time around you wont make the same mistakes. Sadly it dose sound like hes already emotionality checked out of your marriage.

 

And its likely hes seeing some one else if not already then waiting to be officially free to do so. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it seams to be the truth to me hope you feel better and can move on in the future...

[You Go Girl]

I believe in the tough love of the 180.

But there is one thing in the 180 that I think is seriously flawed.

 

To send the message that the person isn't loved anymore is wrong. Just like with disciplining teenagers, there is tough love, but not a lack of love.

So I believe that in marriages the same rules should apply.

 

Sending the message that one doesn't care anymore is wrong.

Therefore, I believe in sending the message of that "I will move on and happily so if you force me to" is right, but that coupled with--"and it doesn't mean I don't love you" is important.

"I still love you, you know." isn't a wrong thing to say. Not in some begging manner, or with an unhappy pouty bottom lip, or trembling, or looking scared, but confident, mature, and accepting.

Basically, "I still love you, but I will let you go and move on with my life" is the message to be conveyed.

Maybe it's not a flaw in the 180, maybe it's simply a vague statement "Don't say i love you".

I just don't want anybody to interpret the 180 as take on a "I don't give a damn" attitude. There are times that might work best. But not in this case. She doesn't want to come across as a partner who has also already moved on, doesn't care, and then he can think, alright! I can go without a second thought, because she doesn't care either.

I'm just saying it gets tricky if one is going to pretend that they don't love someone when they do, and their happiness is at stake, and they could lose their spouse by pretending they don't love them anymore.

 

The psychology of each marriage must be examined in how best to implement the 180. If admitting that the spouse is still loved gives the wayward spouse the ammunition and confidence to leave, then the marriage is past saving. Love can't be interpreted as a weakness.

[tojaz]

I believe in the tough love of the 180.

But there is one thing in the 180 that I think is seriously flawed.

 

To send the message that the person isn't loved anymore is wrong. Just like with disciplining teenagers, there is tough love, but not a lack of love.

So I believe that in marriages the same rules should apply.

 

Sending the message that one doesn't care anymore is wrong.

Therefore, I believe in sending the message of that "I will move on and happily so if you force me to" is right, but that coupled with--"and it doesn't mean I don't love you" is important.

"I still love you, you know." isn't a wrong thing to say. Not in some begging manner, or with an unhappy pouty bottom lip, or trembling, or looking scared, but confident, mature, and accepting.

Basically, "I still love you, but I will let you go and move on with my life" is the message to be conveyed.

Maybe it's not a flaw in the 180, maybe it's simply a vague statement "Don't say i love you".

I just don't want anybody to interpret the 180 as take on a "I don't give a damn" attitude. There are times that might work best. But not in this case. She doesn't want to come across as a partner who has also already moved on, doesn't care, and then he can think, alright! I can go without a second thought, because she doesn't care either.

I'm just saying it gets tricky if one is going to pretend that they don't love someone when they do, and their happiness is at stake, and they could lose their spouse by pretending they don't love them anymore.

 

The psychology of each marriage must be examined in how best to implement the 180. If admitting that the spouse is still loved gives the wayward spouse the ammunition and confidence to leave, then the marriage is past saving. Love can't be interpreted as a weakness.

 

I agree whole heartedly YGG. It has to be tailored to the specific situation. I think the message that works most of the time is to love, but not pursue, a common mistake in the early goings on. I found LS over a month after D-day and learned that I had made all the classic mistakes that the 180 tries to help you to avoid. Its a fine line, showing too much love can turn you into that soft place to land should "other options" go south but not enough serves to help a WAS to detach. Rather then just following hard rules, I prefer to just call it "letting go with love".

 

I believe the idea is to show what life without your support and care would be like. Gives consequences to their actions and encourages them to see the whole picture, and I think its alright and can even be contructive to explain that to them. I believe my exact words were "You know I love you, but I cannot force you to love me back, and I cannot give love to someone who doesn't return it. Of course as we all know, she was fine with that, so what do i know?

 

TOJAZ

[Tayla]

ahh and the OP has yet to respond to the participants. Seen my fair share of Beginners "write then flight" scenarios...Maybe it would behoove folks to let the OP respond before adding to the plethora of anedotes...

[GKnj]

he did cheat. it still makes me sick to my stomach. he was with a girl for about two or so weeks. (he's military in california.. i was home in nj to visit family).. i dont know if he's still "with" her. he told me that it was a mistake and he regrets it.. and he no longer speaks to her, but still wanted a divorce then settled on a separation where we don't see other people but work on ourselves because THAT was his argument for wanting a divorce in the first place, because he "needed" to be alone and that i don't make him happy.. nor is he in love with me anymore.

 

i don't know how true it is that he isn't still seeing her, but i do have friends out there that will know if he does continue to see her.. so only time will tell if he's truthful about not seeing her anymore. there's been so so so much that's been said or done between us.. most of it hard to explain..

 

but my "plan" is to give him as much space as possible because he doesn't expect that from me at all. another BIG problem we had was that he felt that i "lost" myself (which i did, due to depression) and i changed into having no work ethic and being "lazy". so i'm changing that around.. not just for him, but for myself.

 

i left california last sunday after a week with him, talking etc. and that's when we came to a separation conclusion.. but not "legally".. just a trial.

he called me last monday to order him food (lost card, no cash..whatever) so i told him ok i'll do it, but that HE wanted space and im giving him that.. so he can't ask me to order food and want me in and out of his life when it's convenient. i said it in a very nice way, but assertive. he said.. thank you so much, i had no other way of eating tonight.

 

the NEXT day, he emails me.. "i know you told me to give you space since that's what i wanted.." and proceeds to ramble on about a car payment which we agreed on.. that i told him i'd be paying later on the week before i left california.. so i didn't understand why he emailed me?

 

then on thursday, he texts me about a bill coming out of the account or something. i didn't respond because.. ok. then asks me if i knew where his old phone is. i respond.. no, idk.

 

i haven't spoken to him since. honestly, it's killing me. and it's hard with the 3 hour time difference too. im starting to get antsy.. but i know my husband and my gut is that once i show him that im STILL the woman he married and fell for.. he'll come back. during the talks we had the week i was out there.. he just kept saying "you're not the woman i married"..

 

idk.. maybe im naive? but i don't believe that our marriage is over, despite his infidelity and despite my depression. most people would say screw it, MOVE ON! but.. i guess im not most people? lol

[hopesndreams]

He's very needy. Has he always been that way?

 

He's had his A and knows you will still be there for him and he suffers no consequences. This sort of thing makes cheaters giddy with delight. All at the expense of your heartache. Extremely selfish and self-motivating. Is this the kind of man you said your vows to? I believe not, therefore, he has changed. Are you willing to put up with the new changes? Living your life, hanging in the balance, wondering when/where/how/who/what he will do to screw you over again?

 

The keeping in contact is his way of making you not forget him. You are the back-up plan now. Not his wife, his confidant, his lover, his friend.....a back-up plan for if the new life he wants with a new woman will work out or not. He'll have you waiting in the wings while he does whatever he wants to do.

 

Be firm in the decision you made of NC. He needs to miss you and wonder about you and take care of his own needs without your emotional support. By the time he has figured out what he is throwing away, you will have moved on becoming stronger, wiser and keeping your self-esteem and self-respect intact.

[willowthewisp]

Did he try to address the "problems" in your marriage BEFORE he went off and cheated on you? Or did he cheat without mentioning any unhappiness that was affecting his feelings about staying in the marriage?

 

There is a difference between expressing a differing opinion or disscord and expressing unhappiness within the marriage. The former is an expression of conflict within the marriage, conflict resolution, the later is an expression that despite his vows/commitment, he is so affected by the conflicts within the marriage they are threatening it. If we didn't have the former, all spouses would be in constant fear of every time their spouse brought up any issue they would leave! (Just on a side note, an important thing for those who leave who argue "but I kept telling him I didn't like this or that", to understand, try reversing it).

 

I don't understand why he thinks that a seperation will achieve anything in terms of getting your marriage back to a heathy place? That is why I asked the question above about the cheating. In order to address the issues between you and work on your relationship you need to actually DO THAT, as in be together and work on it. I'm guessing from the fact he has taken the "lets seperate and have space route" that he cheated without you being aware of the problems?

 

What exactly is your husband doing to address the problems in your marriage? You have said above that you are going to essentially "fix yourelf" to be the women he married? So what, next time you change or evolve in life he is going to have an affair again? Run away again? The hard fact is that people do change and evolve, him included, a marriage means accepting that and working TOGETHER, love goes deeper than what one person can or cannot provide, or it should IMO.

 

I know how you feel, I know how desperately you want your husband to come home and for things to be good again, but why are you the only one working on anything here? Why is it you that has to address the problems alone? Do you really think his affair is justified because you have been unwell with depression? What gave him the right to betray you like that? NOTHING. He is simply trying to justify his own selfish behaviour by blaming you for it, kind of like an abuser does when they say "well hunny I wouldn't have hit you if you didn't make me so mad".

 

As much as you want to save your marriage, I think it would help you to start asking some of these questions. At the moment your instinct is to blame yourself and look for ways you can fix things, but like you said above you can't MAKE him do anything. This indicates to me that you are very aware that he does indeed have a part to play in all this and is showing an unwillingness to repair your marriage. Without that willingness, and I know this is going to sound harsh and upsetting but I have to say it to try and help, you are wasting your time. Besides all that, you deserve to have someone who recognises that they have played a part in all this and does not put all the blame on you.