best friends for 5 years - suddenly both single again

[jmaclean]

This is potentially a very long story, so apologies in advance!

 

So. 5 years ago I met this girl A. There was chemistry, we flirted a lot (I know now that she was very interested in me at the time). We saw each other a lot for a few weeks and I fell for her, absolutely madly. I eventually worked up the courage to ask her out, in a pretty crappy text, as I was very shy back then. She said no, she wasn't sure how she felt about me, then started going out with another guy a few days later. I was really hurt but we stayed friends - in fact we very quickly became best friends. Her new bf cheated on her within the first month, they broke up, she came to cry on my shoulder, they got back together; same thing happened again, they got back together again. She and I would see each other practically every day, talk constantly, do everything together, and she'd complain to me about how rubbish her bf was. The usual story.

 

That went on for about 9 months. Then we both graduated from uni, and stayed in close contact over the summer. I met another girl B over the summer who I liked (though was still in love with A). As soon as I told A about B, she drove like 100 miles to come and see me and tell me that she couldn't bear the thought of me being with someone else. We kissed a lot, but she was still with her bf at the time, so it didn't go much further (though though we really had to fight the urge). Girl B found out about girl A, got jealous and decided she liked me (I know it sounds like I was playing them off against each other, but I honestly wasn't - it just happened that way!). A then went abroad for a job that she'd wanted for ages, and B insisted that she and I should get together, in spite of the fact that I told her that I couldn't get involved with her because I was in love with A. A couple of months passed, and eventually I started dating B.

 

I went out with B for three and a half years (!), and I will admit that during that time I still had residual feelings for A (B knew about this too, but still insisted that we stay together). But A lived hundreds of miles away and I only saw her a couple of times a year (and nothing physical happened with her, we'd just catch up as friends). A and I stayed in close contact as friends though - she had several bfs during those three and a half years, and up until recently she'd been going with the same guy for 2 years.

 

B dumped me for another guy about 6 months ago (you can find my angsty story in a thread in the break-ups section back in March/April!) and we haven't spoken since. A said come and see me, so I hopped on a plane - we had a great week together and there were some sparks, but she was still going out with this guy she'd been with for 2 years and nothing happened between us. We've been in very close contact since then, talking via IM basically every day.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago she broke up with her bf because she wasn't in love with him - my heart did a couple of somersaults. A week ago she said she was going on a date with a new guy she liked. 3 days ago she came to visit me and we had the most fantastic evening I have had in years. It was the first time we'd both been officially single together, pretty much since that first time I asked her out. It was incredibly romantic, sparks flew, and we ended up going to bed together, but didn't actually have sex. We talked most of the night, saying how great we'd be together, and how she wished things had worked out differently in the past. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too but that we should try not to. She asked if I was madly in love with her, and I said no (which I think is true). However she also said that she didn't really feel there was enough electricity between us and that she wanted to see how things go with the guy she went on a date with last week. She still lives abroad, though there's a possibility that she will move back here in a year's time.

 

So, basically we've been best friends for ages and I've been in love with her most of that time. I've often thought over the years that I could marry her (we're both 27 now so are thinking seriously about that sort of thing) and a few days ago we both talked very excitedly and positively about what we'd be like as a married couple and what our kids would be like etc. I think we both genuinely think that we might get married one day down the line - you couldn't imagine two more compatible people (and I can say that confidently after 5 years of intimate friendship). Although she's probably right - there's not a huge amount of electricity (we also had a long discussion about how much that initial electricity in a relationship really counts at the end of the day). I feel a bit like I put myself out on a limb when we met up a few days ago, and got rejected. But it doesn't hurt very much. She's the most wonderful girl I've ever met but I'm suddenly finding our friendship difficult, and I don't want to hear her going on about this guy she's dating at the moment (tonight in fact). I don't know whether to stop talking to her completely (it would be such a shame to damage 5 years of great friendship), or just to keep talking to her every day as we usually do, and bear the pain. We still clearly both have feelings for each other, but I don't know what that means for the future, and pursuing a relationship with her is pretty pointless for the next 10 months at least because of the distance. But she's worth waiting for! Aaaagh, I just don't know.

 

Any advice or just similar experiences would be much appreciated! Thanks.

[bubbles5]

i think its distance and trust this both things are creating problems between ur relations. You still are not sure that u have spark with her or not. She is also being hurt by several past ex bf if i am not wrong then. So she might be also little hesitant abt getting married and stuff. She might have feeling that she might lose ur frndship. And distance creates a lot of problems at times. You did tell her that u r not in love with her but still u feel bad that she is going out with someone else i guess u r also confused. Take chances , tell her how u feel abt everything in a polite way am sure she will understand bcos she also feels something 4 u cos she is still in touch with u after long distance.

[welikeincrowds]

I have to disclaim my response with two points:

 

 

1. This sounds very similar to a situation I experienced and so it is possible that I am projecting.
   
2. As we all do, you have only given a fraction of the story, particularly when it comes to her behaviors.
   

 

This girl sounds like she has some issues of her own, and is willing to keep you around and play games with you when she knows your feelings for her. Reverse the roles. Would you treat her the way she has treated you? Is that what "loving" someone is?

 

It was incredibly romantic, sparks flew, and we ended up going to bed together, but didn't actually have sex.

 

Would you do this to someone you loved?

 

I would be more hesitant in using the "L" word. Your story reveals a barrier between you both that is preventing intimacy, intimacy that love necessitates. I have no doubt that you are fond of this girl, and that you share many memories with her, and that you have enough chemistry to "get along," and that you would sacrifice for her (you already have, for 5 years!). This, to me, is not a love story. This is a story about what happens when one does not enforce boundaries with other people. It is not easy to be consistent here, and to always observe when one is being disrespected, or taken advantage of. But you did quite the opposite: you gave her everything. You traveled across the world for her and that was clearly in the hopes that you would have sex. There is a reason we call unreasonable hope "vain". You were even willing to take away from OTHERS -- Girl B, the poor thing.

 

It seems you are OK with being #2 in her life, to which I say "more power to you." But still, I would review this relationship. This girl has immense power over you, and ironically this is probably why she has not decided to enter a relationship with you. But I would not focus on her psyche, as it sounds complicated and labyrinthine and it is ultimately of no benefit of you to make sense of it. Instead I would take a hard, critical look at the the decisions you've made over the past 5 years, and observe when you lied to yourself or to her, and every time you said "yes", when perhaps, you should have said "no."

[jmaclean]

Thanks for your responses. You've certainly made me think twice about the situation.

 

 

This girl sounds like she has some issues of her own, and is willing to keep you around and play games with you when she knows your feelings for her. Reverse the roles. Would you treat her the way she has treated you? Is that what "loving" someone is?

 

Would you do this to someone you loved?

 

I didn't mention that fact that when we first got together 4 years ago, it was me that stopped us from going all the way - I knew she was going abroad and didn't want either of us to get hurt. And every time we have got together, she's always warned me off, telling me that we'll both just get hurt, and I always stupidly say it'll be fine and we won't get hurt... But I do think she has really tried to be careful with my feelings in the past.

 

 

I would be more hesitant in using the "L" word. Your story reveals a barrier between you both that is preventing intimacy, intimacy that love necessitates.

 

I think it's only the physical intimacy that's lacking, and the reason we've both been so skittish about it is because of the distance and the impossibility of any kind of relationship. Also, I'd be devastated if I lost her friendship.

 

You traveled across the world for her and that was clearly in the hopes that you would have sex. There is a reason we call unreasonable hope "vain". You were even willing to take away from OTHERS -- Girl B, the poor thing.

 

A bit more detail just to defend myself! I flew over to see her about a week after B dumped me for another guy. I was an emotional mess at the time and just clinging on to some kind of female attention/affection. I don't think I was expecting sex because I knew she was happy with the guy she was with. Seeing her helped me to get over B and get my life back in order though. As for B, I fell in love with her shortly after we started going out. Maybe A was still somewhere in the back of my mind, but I was completely devoted to B, and crazy about her, for those 3 and a half years. Until she screwed me over.

 

It seems you are OK with being #2 in her life, to which I say "more power to you."

 

I wish I were okay with it! I don't think I have much choice in the matter.

 

Instead I would take a hard, critical look at the the decisions you've made over the past 5 years, and observe when you lied to yourself or to her, and every time you said "yes", when perhaps, you should have said "no."

 

This is tough to do! It's hard to look back on such great times as a mistake. It's even tougher to imagine that I'll be able to say "no" in the future. Can I ask what happened in your situation? Did you move on from her? Stop talking to her? Stay friends? We haven't spoken for a week now, which is unusual for us. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, if I should try to break the silence.

 

 

Take chances , tell her how u feel abt everything in a polite way am sure she will understand bcos she also feels something 4 u cos she is still in touch with u after long distance.

 

I am tempted to fly over and see her. But there's a good chance that'll just make things worse...

[welikeincrowds]

Can I ask what happened in your situation?

Sure thing.

 

It involved a long-time friend of mine (at least 8 years) whom I've had feelings for since we met, who once broke my heart long ago when I was more naive and unable to trust myself. After a time apart, we rekindled a friendship, and I gradually trusted her more, letting her in just a little further, until it came to a head and we hooked up. It was in the epilogue of that moment that I realized I was being used. She was so self-absorbed, but in a subtle way, such that it took an attempt at real affection to see how dysfunctional it all was, and how little any of it had to do with me. She was not outright malicious, but a genuine mess. A combination of spoiled and cowardly, unable to say no and unable to take no for an answer. I saw a side of her that I found very ugly. I cut her out of my life completely.

 

It was a very difficult decision, because I did have feelings for her. Also, I did very much enjoy aspects of our friendship. But the way she treated me irreparably damaged my trust for her, such that I never again looked upon our memories the same way. I could see all the moments, little and big, in which she wronged me, without me realizing it. It was like coming out of the cave; I knew the greater narrative, and it detailed an unacceptable amount of carelessness with my valuable heart. The way in which she handled it afterward certainly did not help; it did nothing but reaffirm that all along, she was thinking of herself, and herself alone.

 

 

In your case, though, I am not so certain, especially based on your reply, that this girl is mistreating you in the same way. Instead I would ask: "Is being with her going to make me a better person? Is this someone that will challenge me to become the person I want to be? Will courting her affirm this? Is there anything about us that would hold me back?"

 

One thing you've already answered:

 

I wish I were okay with it! I don't think I have much choice in the matter.

You're not OK with being just friends, so it's all or nothing. This is the choice in the matter that you have already made, so be honest with it. The sooner you understand and believe in this, fully and deeply, the better.

 

Your feelings for her appear to be fraught, heavy with longing, nostalgia, regret. Something of a mess. I don't know if you watch Mad Men, but you remind me a bit of Don Draper from yesterday's episode, as he tries in vain to hook up with Dr. Miller. She declines by saying "I think you're confusing a lot of things at once right now." Advice I see often see given on these boards: when you are feeling a bouquet of powerful emotions, work hard at picking them apart, to address each one individually instead of attempting to process all of them at once. It's not easy, but I think if you do this you'll find that this girl has filled many roles for you, and not all of them a suitable foundation for a relationship. In fact, I bet you two have talked about this very concept, in so many words.

 

I want to remind you that we live in the present. We think about the past as a way of predicting the future but ultimately that is not reality. You should be making decisions based on the person you are now, and perhaps the person she is now, and not the people either of you were before. You will need to this clarity to decide whether your willingness to invest so much of what you have, both emotionally and financially, is rational, or muddled in gambler's logic. The smart man knows when it's time to stay, and when it's time to walk.

Edited August 31, 2010 by welikeincrowds