made an idiot out of myself

[Leigh 87]

I have just moved to a new town, and Ihave no friends. I had no friends before, due to an eating disorder and the mental problems associated with it ( why I got it to begin with, too).

 

any way, I joined a gym. Now, After about 2 mnths of going, and only having conversations with people, I started to cry every day, because although everything else in my life is in place, I just long for some company now and again.

 

So when a PT told me I had a hot body ( because we had a sessin to gether and had to discuss my goals, and I said I wanted to lose weight. I am 120 and 5 ' 6 - 5 ' 5 and he told me he was an honest peson and that I already had a hot body).

 

He asked casually if I was single at one point, and i could tel he was sort of figuring me out.

 

Unforunnately, I made a total idiot of myself.. I am so ashamed at my error of judgment.. but after talking to him another time at the gym, I came to the conclusion that he was a ncie guy, who liked nice girls.

 

Basically, I got so over e xcited at the prospect of a guy being intersted in getting to know me, after being sexless, friendless, and not in any kind of relationship, with a guy or a girl, for over 4 years, and was a little TOO eager...

 

I wrote him a letter ( OMG I know hwo off that is). But he does know that I am not used to being around people, and I thought that he was the type of guy who liked nice girls.

 

So, I worte the letter because I am nice, and thought it would make him want to get to know me better.

 

But now I see how strange it is to write a random letter. The letter was nice, friendly, just telling him as bit about me.. basically, he sounded like he wanted to get to know me better, and I wanted to speed up the process.

 

I have been feeling sick to my stomach today, as it has dawned onme how weird it was to write a letter. I am considering changing gyms. I am so embarrassed I made this bad desision.

 

I have been through so much about my body and cry every day about it now that i am 120 lbs and 5 ' 5, so WHAT do u think I am going to have to face, regardingt his letter....

 

I just think I am going to feel SO embarassed if I c him, of course I will try and ignore him and just go about my business but.. HOW badly could he have reacted?

 

What are the possible out comes? it will help to hear it from the perspective of other people...

 

He is a 20 yr old very good looking PT, who I think found my intersting cos I asm a little different, but also have as good body. So, instead ofletting things progress naturally at the gym, like they would had done, I went and screwed it up by writing him a silly letter.

 

The letter just said " hi, how is it going, how is UNI, haveu got many assignments etc..." I told him al ittle about me, cos I am really nice, and yeah, just thought that being nice would make him more interested in getting toknow me.

 

What r the likely out comes? If he IS nice, do u think he will just accept it even if he thinsk the letter was a very weird thing to do? And you know, go on talkingto me normally?

 

Or, is there a chance he think it is so weird that i wrote a letter, that he will be cold and act,.,... you know, when a person clearly does not want to talk with u, but still at least says " hello?"

 

BEFORE I wrote the letter, he was like " I will give u a call Friday or something". It is sat night and no phone call, so I think the letter deff turned him off. he si the one who suggested calling me, I did not give out any such suggestion on my part.

 

HOW am I going to deal with having to go to the gym, and try not to feel really ashamed around him? I juist feel so sick, and feel like he thinks so little of me now, that I am a bloody weirdo. Which i can be. But I DO see AFTER I do weird things at least....

[Leigh 87]

Please help me guys, I am feeling really low that about how bad his reaction could be! Is there a chance that, although a letter is weird, that he will just over look it and be like " okay, she is weird, but she is still nice so I will not be mean to her"?

 

Do u think I have a chance to act normally, which will in turn, get him to stop thinking I am a freak?

[vintagecat]

Okay, calm down. Here's the thing: You might have made a mistake sending that letter and being too eager in general but it's not a catastrophic life altering mistake. Furthermore, you didn't send him a letter (I hope) telling him you want to have 20 of his babies, clean his car with your tongue and render his nude body in a bronze sculpture.

 

Other than sending a letter which is a bit unorthodox as a response to what I perceive as casual flirting rather than genuine interest, you really didn't do anything that was terrible.

 

There are a few ways this is likely to play out in order of likeliness as I perceive the situation from your post:

 

1) It was harmless flirting and he distances himself because you are far more interested than he is or than he intended.

 

2) He was interested but has been spooked so he withdraws.

 

3) He treats you like nothing happened which could mean a couple of things, that he is a nice guy, likes you and is going to let the letter slide, he never got the letter, or that he doesn't care enough to make it a big deal.

 

4) He over reacts and calls you out. I consider this unlikely. If he gives you a hard time, apologize and tell him that you misunderstood your previous interactions.

 

Regardless of the outcome, no one can steal your dignity but you. Carry on with your life calmly despite any possible fallout. Do not try to fix, explain or otherwise do damage control unless this person is offended enough to require an apology and if that's the case, apologize and leave it at that. Damage control almost always makes a bad situation worse. You did nothing terrible, illegal or immoral. Unwise perhaps but it's a small mistake in the vast constellation of blunders.

 

Bottom line you need to address your profound loneliness so you aren't as inclined to make mountains out of molehills. Perhaps you can volunteer to help the needy, the sick or animals without homes. These are all worthy causes that help you meet nice people and put your problems in perspective in the vast array and scale of suffering.

 

FWIW, I applaud your efforts to use fitness as a means of weight control rather than an eating disorder, but perhaps the gym is not the best place to meet friends and lovers being so body focused. Just a thought.

 

Good luck to you.

[green_tea]

When you say letter, do you mean an email, or an actual physical letter? An actual letter might be a little more unusual, but that's all. Nothing to worry about.

 

If he does react by being ignoring you, do you really want to be around someone who is so quick to judge you? It's not like you killed a puppy or something! If I was in your shoes I would just go about my business like nothing was any different. I certainly would not change gyms because of him.

 

vintagecat had some good advice, except for the bit about offering an apology if he brings it up - you don't need to apologise for writing him a letter. If it made him uncomfortable, then that's his problem.

 

Try not to worry so much, try to gain some confidence, and you'll meet other people I'm sure.

[vintagecat]

green_tea said: "If it made him uncomfortable, then that's his problem."

 

True however an apology to someone that would be upset enough to require it would not be for the act of sending the letter which in itself was harmless, but rather it's a way of diffusing a situation that could potentially escalate or get out of hand immediately. Something to the effect of, "I'm sorry I misunderstood our interaction the other day." if and only if she gets directly challenged by the recipient on the letter. A very generic "I was mistaken" statement will go a long way toward settling the situation so it just goes away forever which I assume is what she wants.

 

I see this as a highly unlikely scenario. The OP will likely be distanced or it will never be mentioned which is not worth addressing in any way.

Edited August 28, 2010 by vintagecat

[Leigh 87]

I am just so pissed off with myself. I mean, here I am, lonley, ready for people in my life, and a HOT trainer likes talking with me, he told me I had a hot body....

 

Bacially, one of the first ppl to talk and express interest in talking to me, was a hot guy, A REALLY hot guy, as in a weight lifting hot guy. AND I SCREWED IT UP lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So instead of being able to have look forward to talking to him like normal, I havwe to go freak him out by writing a letter, and make him NOT want to talk with me any more.

 

I honestly do not know how it will go tomorrow. I will go to a class and my aim is to just act normal, but to arrive ON TIME, not EARLY, so that way I can just walk DIRECTLY to my class, without looking up and scannign the gym.

 

If I do not scan the gym, and look up and look around to c if he is there, then it givbes him the option of easily being able to avoid me.

 

On the other hand, ifhe sais that I am looking around, he may think " oh no she is looking for me" or he may then feel the need to retreet.

 

So if I am going right to and from my class without really looking up much, and just " going about business", he will not meet my eye to begin with, and will b able to not worry about the fact that I have SEEN him.

 

In the letter I did not say I liked him or anything, I just said hi how are you, how is Uni going, wehast r u up to this w/e, then I went on to tell him what I like to do , told him I hoped we would catch up at the gym , but if not, that I hoped he had a good weekend"

 

I am a nice person, so I just felt the need to get HIM to c that, ass I had been rather quiet and akward to him in person, so I felt al etter would get him to see more about me.

 

What do U think? WHen I go to the gym, if I jut act really unintersted in him, and try to not catch his eye EVER, then that gives him to freedom to not have to deal eith me, if he chooses not to.

 

He would only need to approach me if HE wanted to talk that way, and NOT cos I had looked over at him, and he felt obliged to either 1; ignore me; or 2; give an akward "hi"

[Leigh 87]

He rang Monday morning and said : I got your letter, it was nice". He called to offer me a free PT session.

 

Last Thursday he said he was going to call, so perhaps he IS truley freaked out by my letter, but he is still following through with the call he said he would give me?

 

Then again, JUST cos he said " I'll call", that DOES NOT mean, that if he truley WAS put off me entirely, that he would STILL call me ( if he really did not want much to do with me).

 

After giving him a letter I realized how odd it was, but I have learnt, and hopefully if I just act normally from now on around him, he will just over look the letter as an " odd thing to do", and realize that for the most part, I am otherwise okay.

 

what do you all think?

 

I was BEYOND relieved when he called me this morning, I was planing on avoiding the gym for a week so he would forget about me and the weird.silly letter.

[denise_xo]

He rang Monday morning and said : I got your letter, it was nice". He called to offer me a free PT session.

 

Last Thursday he said he was going to call, so perhaps he IS truley freaked out by my letter, but he is still following through with the call he said he would give me?

 

Then again, JUST cos he said " I'll call", that DOES NOT mean, that if he truley WAS put off me entirely, that he would STILL call me ( if he really did not want much to do with me).

 

After giving him a letter I realized how odd it was, but I have learnt, and hopefully if I just act normally from now on around him, he will just over look the letter as an " odd thing to do", and realize that for the most part, I am otherwise okay.

 

what do you all think?

 

I was BEYOND relieved when he called me this morning, I was planing on avoiding the gym for a week so he would forget about me and the weird.silly letter.

 

Honey, chill out. Seriously

 

You go back to that gym, you look him confidently in the eyes, you act 'normally', and you just enjoy the company of that weight lifting hot guy. OK?? It's not a big deal.

[wishing4thefuture]

Do u think I have a chance to act normally, which will in turn, get him to stop thinking I am a freak?

 

Honestly, It's okay. You did not harm a soul by writing a letter. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to fear. There are no repercussions to love letters. They travel around the galaxy exactly one time and then pick you up and send you off to find a new love. Best of luck and speak freely, because that will find you the partner you want.

[vintagecat]

Well that's over with. He's going to treat you normally and rather than not mention the letter, he did, so you can quit freaking out. He gave you a get out of jail free card and he may actually have enjoyed that unusual contact, after all who doesn't like a nice piece of mail when most of what we all get in the box seems to be bills, advertisements, or charities wanting our donations.

 

So the lesson here isn't one of letters or doing whatever might be clumsy or awkward, it's one of being yourself and realizing that people are just people, even hot people and unless you do something that's wrong morally, ethically or legally just give yourself a break. The second lesson has to do with what I mentioned in my first post. You need to find ways to meet other people (one hot guy will not make a social life) and find ways to create perspective on the world so that you aren't so focused on yourself and the many ways that you might make a mistake. Even with this nice turn of events you run the risk of hanging too much hope on this encounter with this seemingly nice man. Get out there and interact with the world. The hot, the non-hot, the old and young. Your life will be richer for it.

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

I am nto pinning too much hope on this one person. I SAID that I accidently got bored and wrote a letter. It was not a love letter, haha.

 

I know about how to interact with people...... u do not need to tell me to get a life, and not need to rely on one person. HELLO - I have spent the last few years of my life, working on myself, whilst trying to over come an eating disorsder......

 

I have BEEN alone, and MADE my life into one that I like enough, to feel fulfilled no matter if I have any one else in it or not.

 

However, I HAVE just moved to a new town, and I HAVE just started a new phase of my life, where I am ready to meet ppl. now, I do not start college/University until NEXT year, and I do not have a job in my new town yet.

 

So don't tell me about how I need to " just go out and meet ppl" . NOT ERVERY ONE canj just go and make friends so easily......

 

I am not silly. I know to volenteer and blablablah. The guy at the GYM could be a total jerk for all I know, so of course I am not pinning too much emotional energy on him.

 

I simply was horrified that I sent the letter, as it was very embarrassing; I did not realize that it was a weird thing to do until after the event lol.

[vintagecat]

From your first post, your words, not mine: "I have just moved to a new town, and Ihave no friends. I had no friends before, due to an eating disorder and the mental problems associated with it ( why I got it to begin with, too).

 

any way, I joined a gym. Now, After about 2 mnths of going, and only having conversations with people, I started to cry every day, because although everything else in my life is in place, I just long for some company now and again."

 

No need for you to get snippety if I see something in this first and telling set of paragraphs. If you are happy, so be it. I'm just trying to help based upon the information that you gave us to work with but if you tell us now that you don't need it, I'm done responding to your "emergencies".

 

Good luck, seriously, you seem to need that anyway.

[Leigh 87]

Oh oops - sorry i wrote that post in a bad mood. I do not feel snippy towards u lol:)

 

Um, I have a great life though thanks. Circumstances lead to my social seclusion, I am 23, an only child with great parents who support me financially, I am enrolled into the course I WANT to do at Uni ( called college in USA), and if all goes well, I will get to do a career that I actually am passionate about.

 

I am also 118 - 119 lbs, 5' 5, with a good body shape; I am not disfugured or have any major issue. I would say that I am VERY lucky, actually, so I do not think I " need" luck, as you implued, as though I havea hard life. Because I really don't. lol

 

The matter was just what it is: I am isolated due to my past, so I worked VERY hard to resolve the issues holding me back socially, and now I am ready to re emerge into the world.

 

It obviously takes time for some ppl to get out there and meet ppl, which is why I was over excited that a hot guy seamed to be interested in me. In retrospect, i realize I was just over excited.

 

I also have a sex drive, so that probably came into play.. first person who is nice to be = hot guy. lol.

 

BUt I see the situation more clearly now. He would be nice. He could be an @sshole. either way I need to go about my life, and feel satisfied, regardless of who HE is.

[Leigh 87]

Vintage - Also, you gave me a long and useful response to my question so please over look what came across as snippiness from me, and don't let it deteer u from my future posts!

 

Your advice was good, and you took the time to write a fairly long reply, which was nice of you:)

 

I am lonley btw, but plz, I do not need ppl assuming that lonley and isolated = ***** life in need of much luck. My life is great - it is just I am ready to have ppl in it.

[vintagecat]

Apology accepted.

[wishing4thefuture]

It was not a love letter, haha.

 

It was a love letter. ;):):cool: just kidding!!

 

Man, I wish someone would write me a love letter! I don't think you really made an idiot out of yourself here. I think most people would empathize with you on this one. Definitely, keep talking to people and don't fall into the it's hard to meet people trap, because your talking with people right now.

[carhill]

OP, you took a risk. Good on ya for that. The young man responded positively. Enjoy the free PT session and whatever comes after. If nothing comes of it, you learned that you can take risks and it's OK. Good luck with your program

[Green]

It was a love letter. ;):):cool: just kidding!!

 

Man, I wish someone would write me a love letter! I don't think you really made an idiot out of yourself here. I think most people would empathize with you on this one. Definitely, keep talking to people and don't fall into the it's hard to meet people trap, because your talking with people right now.

 

the last time a girl wrote me a love letter was middle school. She was really ugly and wouldn't take "no" for an answer then questioned my sexuality when I rejected her. I then wrote her a letter telling her how constipated she looked and that she needs to take a big sht and that might make her look better and that I would be gay if I found her attractive.

 

As for the OP just calm down and stop getting so excited you are doing fine. This 20 year old trainer could be a virgin for all you know.

[Leigh 87]

Well, he told me that he has not always been that hot. I honestly did not even consider him when I met him, due to the fact he was so good looking.

 

Turns out, he told me that girls seldom approach him, and he has nto had a relation ship in a while.

 

During our session, the first thing he told me when he saw me was " u look hot in a singlet top". He is nto the type of is arrogant and cocky, either. He had told me he is an honest person with these things, and he knows it goes both ways with us, as I am like that too and he knows that his opinion about my body dos not bother me.

 

He told me I looked gorgeous during the session too, when we got talking about things. But he was just saying physically.

 

We also established that having a friendf to fool around with would be awsome. he mentioned being worried about becomming too atatched to as girl.

 

ADVICE: I texted him afterwards that night saying "thanks for the session, give me a call if u r bored, if I dont chat then have a good weekend"

 

He texted me back later saying " we will have to hang next week cos I am a bit snotty and do not want to give it to u, too, good night:)"

 

That was wednesday.

 

tonight it was FRIDAY and I was bored so I texted him again. He did not respond.

 

I am deff going to back off now. But I was nto DESPERATE to vbegin with! I just do not think sending a person a text when u r bored is creepy. F*ck it though!

 

 

WHAT do u think? It is not like I sent TWO texts in a row or anything brazingly desperate ( which I woyuld never do).

 

He knows that we go to the same gym and thagt i will prob c him, and would not wnt a bad reputation, so I don't THINK he will ignore me.

 

I just need to back off now.

 

but SH8T man. it is blody 3 mnths. I am great at conversing with ppl, but HOW does one GO about ttaking things further with people?!

 

I am a smart, worthwhile, attractive, and kind women, whio is rgeat at talking with people... so can U BLAME me for deciding to make the first move, given that I have NO friends in my new town and am BORED OUT OF MTY MIND.

 

HMMPH. NO fair. there r WAY uglire, meaner, worser ppl than me who have a sex life, friends, and boy friends. WHATEVER.

 

DO u think he is turned off due to me sending him a msg? He did send his on wed night, and I sent him one on friday. That is nto too desperate in my opinion.

[Leigh 87]

GREEN - That is a horrible thing you did to that girl. I hope you have changed. Not every one can be pleasing to look at. It is not their fault. They already have it hard enough, having to go without an attractive guy, and having to accept the ugly bald, fat ones.

 

SOrry, but unnatractive/ pimply/ large framed women do have it harder in life, in my opinion. It is just easier to look better, but I dislike when ppl r nasty to ppl who r NOT attractive, seeing as they are already at a disadvantage in life.

[Green]

I would calm down about this guy you have already done enough to give him the picture. He really does sound inexperienced so he really might be disapointing.

 

I'm sure you'll get a bf by the end of the month if you keep on being this outgoing with every guy you like and you go out and do things instead of hiding away.

[Leigh 87]

Well, I do not feel like I've done anything that out going. I literally sent a couple of msgs. I was bored and was hoping to initiate something, instead of just waiting for once. I am bored and am sick of waiting, twiddling my thumbs.

 

I just do not feel like sending 2 bloody msgs is pushy. it is not like I sent to in a row. I sent one, he sent one, then i sent one. He has not replied so I am leaving it.

 

To me, it feels as though I have made it so he knows I am keen to hang out as much as possible, but without comming accross as over bearing at this point.

 

You know, like I have done the maxium, without over doing it; where as NOT even SENDING him the FIRST text, and NOT even doing ANYTHING, would have been the opposite; that would have simply been waiting for him. Which I would not normally mind doing, only sometimes I get bored and see nothing wrong with making the first move.

 

I do not need a boyfriend, I just want that connection with some one. Not necessarily with the relationship that comes along w/ it though. So I do not know that I will just find a guy that I am attracted to, AND that is a great guy at the same time.

 

I am not model material, so I do not have the choice of the good looking ANd good guys. I have to wait around longer for the whole package. I do not need a drop dead goegeous guy though, just reasonably attractive.

[Leigh 87]

And if he really is inexperienced, which is not uncommon for many good looking 20 yr olds, than hopefully he will want stuff even more haha. Due to lack of having recieved any action yet.

 

In that case, perhaps I can give him some much needed experience, and then he can go on to be more confident with the girls he does grow to loike in that way.

 

Obviously for my ego, it would be nice if I am so awsome that he falls for me, for who I am inside and out. It is alwas flattering for a guy to like u that much. But I need to be neutral and logical; I know the more fun and desirable option in terms of what will be more enjoyable for me, however, I would be happy with healthy, pisitive relationship at this point.

 

SO, either friends who respect each other and fool around, OR, he grows to form a stronger bond to me.

 

And that is only IF we get aht far, lol! he may not even pursue me further and go find another girl. Not that he has any time recently. But u never know my bad luck haha.

[Green]

you don't sound like your in the united states. Where I'm from if a girl writes you a note and msgs you that is VERY FOWARD and a guy who wasn't so inexperienced would probably asked you out by now.

[Leigh 87]

He obviously thought I had a good body, but does not want to go out with me.

 

And I was not forward; He expressed interest in my, my asking my status( single or not), and by being suggestive.

 

So I got bored and wrote him a very general letter about things. It was not a love letter. Because I am not in love with him.

 

I waited until HE made the next move, which he did. AFTER our PT session, I sent him a text.

 

he texted me back that same day. Two days later I sent him another text.

 

To me, being bored and sending a text is not blooddy forward. To me, there is something wrong with the PEOPLE who ASSUME that it is desperate, or forward.

 

I am from Australia. But have visited the states.

 

Now that I have summarized all that has transpired between me and the hot gym guy, can you see how I have only responded to HIM, I have not, for example, sent to texts in one go; HE made a move, then I made a move. It was not me than me again.

 

So far I cannot see anything off putting, but anything more would be. He may or may not want to bother with me.

 

Perhaps even sending him one bloody msg is enough to turn a guy off. IF so, F*ck it.

 

I am an attractive, smart, kind, women who has her life going for her, and it is THEIR loss if they get freaked out by the fact I actuyally bother to send msgs to people I think are nice.

 

Sitting back and ONLY waiting for OTHERS to make a move = a life alone. Because people do not bother most of the time.