What can a close friend do for comfort?

[Ode2Vendetta]

This is a really long story about a really very close friend of mine who's in a very difficult place right now. I would really, really appreciate your opinions and views. I need advice as well as enlightenment to help her get through this. Thank you very very much.

 

A year ago a wife discovers accidentally that her husband has planned to meet his former girlfriend so that they can go bike riding together. Unfortunately, the plan didn't push through because husband got confused and went to the wrong meeting location. So former gf called husband's house. Unfortunately, the wife answered the phone. Former gf asked if husband was home and wife said no he's not. Former gf then blabbered that they were supposed to meet and go bike riding together but he was a no show. Wife asked who was on the line and former gf said her name. Wife putting two and two together got a bit irked because she wasn't informed about such plans and wasn't informed that husband and former gf were even in communication with each other. Okay so wife decided to look if former gf was on facebook and lo and behold she was. Wife sent her a private message telling ex-gf that wife didn't know about her and husband's plans and wife frankly and honestly told ex-gf that because of this wife isn't really feeling very comfortable with the idea of ex-gf meeting husband and going out together. Ex-gf assures wife that there wasn't anything sly going on between them and that she and husband are only good friends and that she's only interested in husband intellectually. Wife still insisted that she isn't feeling comfortable or good about this idea. When husband came home wife confronted husband and of course husband adamantly denied that something fishy was going on. Said that ex-gf was only a very good friend and since wife cannot go bike riding with him he sort of invited ex-gf when they accidentally met days ago in some main street while she was riding her bike. Again wife told her husband that she isn't feeling comfortable or good about this idea but husband only assured her that there is nothing to worry about and such. Now fast forward after 1 year. Suffice it to say that the marriage wasn't really doing really good and was on the rocks. It's that period in time wherein one false move of each spouse might tilt the boat and capsize it to sink. However, both parties were trying very hard to make things work or so it seems. Wife for some reason one night decided to snoop around in husband's e-mails just because unfortunately husband forgot to lock his computer before leaving the house. Again for some unknown reason wife decided to search the name of ex-gf and lo and behold all e-mails exchanged between husband and ex-gf popped up. Wife discovered that ex-gf and husband continued meeting each other without the wife's knowledge. She read the e-mail of her husband a year ago telling ex-gf to not call by phone at the house anymore but instead use e-mails or chat messenger. More e-mails of ex-gf and husband asking each other if they're free that night and asking each other if they want to hang out with each other. Wife discovered that those many, many nights that she slept alone in their bed because husband has still not arrived home, husband was actually taking long walks with ex-gf from 12 midnight till 3 am sometimes even as late as 6 am. Wife didn't know anything about it, she thought husband was actually visiting his dad as he often did that (according to husband, that is). Husband often visited his father (who has cancer) and they would watch shows and movies together and husband would be arriving home really, really late at night or early in the morning. Anyway, she read e-mails upon e-mails and chat logs of husband and ex-gf setting time to meet whihc is often husband going to ex-gf's place which is a 15 to 19 minutes walk from where he lived. Wife even read an e-mail where husband asked ex-gf to bring a lighter for smoking weed. So wife again sent an e-mail to ex-gf and told her what she discovered. She also again confronted her husband about it. Both of them again denied that something malicious was going on between them. Wife couldn't take the dishonesty and was really emotionally distraught by that time that she asked her husband to chose between her and ex-gf. Husband said that there was nothing to chose since he wasn't doing anything wrong and that they are innocent and just close friends. Wife asked ex-gf to back off but ex-gf said that she can't because wife's husband is her bestfriend and what wife is suggesting to her is to not see her bestfriend anymore. I guess it was the final straw...the final nail on the coffin...so wife asked her husband to move out of the house since he seems to be refusing to lay off the ex-gf as the wife requested and even the ex-gf was refusing as well. Husband had refused to moved out immediately stating that he has nowhere to go, wife pointed out that he has a father to go to, or a mother or a sister where he could crash in for awhile until he finds a new place to live in. Husband still refused to move out (he has been unemployed for almost a year that period in time being that it's the wife who has the regular job and paying everything). Emotionally distraught wife (but have been trying to be very calm) at this point in time finally exploded and let out all her rage that caused a fight to ensue which became really ugly and needed the neighbours to call 911. Story ended with husband kicked out of the house with police intervention and thus separation. Wife is left so depressed, feeling so much guilt and blaming herself while husband unto this day (3 months after separation) continues to accompany ex-gf everywhere all over the city, doing activities together with no guilt whatsoever as they both still maintain that they were not doing anything wrong and that husband had been faithful and monogamous for the 10 years that him and his wife had been together.

 

Question: Should the wife be blamed for her violent reaction which caused the destruction of her marriage? What could she have done differently in that situation and do you think that would have saved her marriage? She's now been wallowing in so much self-pity and so much guilt, should she continue doing so? If you were the wife's close friend what would you have said to her to provide her a bit of comfort and to help her get through her sorrow?

[tojaz]

 

Question: Should the wife be blamed for her violent reaction which caused the destruction of her marriage? What could she have done differently in that situation and do you think that would have saved her marriage? She's now been wallowing in so much self-pity and so much guilt, should she continue doing so? If you were the wife's close friend what would you have said to her to provide her a bit of comfort and to help her get through her sorrow?

 

Stung quite a bit to read that. Hits very close to home.

 

Although a violent reaction is never a good idea, it is understandable under the circumstances. They each have differing views of what is acceptable and what isn't. the opening to my D played out very similar. My wife was sneaking around with an ex from H. School. To her interpretation they were just good friends, but the interaction never sat well with me and I had asked her to stop. instead she kept it from me and made excuses. Still saw nothing wrong when some flirty emails were found and even when she admitted she had kissed him. To her it was innocent and I was being controlling because "I wouldn't let her pick her own friends" to me it was a slap in the face. To this day I don't truly know exactly what it was, but it is enough to drive a person mad.

 

Theres not much that can be said to comfort her right now because those images of the possibilities are very hard to shake and either reminding her or trying to downplay them will put you in a bad position. The best you can do is be there to listen when she needs an ear, remind her that it was his decision, and encourage her to find help for what shes going through. Steering her here would be a good start.

 

Several people here have been through similar situations, and mine is a virtual mirror! If you have any more ?? please feel free to ask. Welcome to LS.

 

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

she did pretty good. the only thing i see is that she could have pointed out that when someone needs to be a secret - it's no friend to the best interest of the marriage.

 

he hid his GF, that is the first clue that something was amiss. IF she points out how much he HAD to keep his GF a secret - it would have been obvious he was cheating and lying and covering up.

 

be supportive of your friend - while helping her to move forward. have her stay busy and active.

[Ode2Vendetta]

Stung quite a bit to read that. Hits very close to home.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

Although a violent reaction is never a good idea, it is understandable under the circumstances. They each have differing views of what is acceptable and what isn't. the opening to my D played out very similar. My wife was sneaking around with an ex from H. School. To her interpretation they were just good friends, but the interaction never sat well with me and I had asked her to stop. instead she kept it from me and made excuses. Still saw nothing wrong when some flirty emails were found and even when she admitted she had kissed him. To her it was innocent and I was being controlling because "I wouldn't let her pick her own friends" to me it was a slap in the face. To this day I don't truly know exactly what it was, but it is enough to drive a person mad.

 

"I wouldn't let her pick her own friends" <==== this here is so similar word for word that he told her through e-mail when she asked him to lay off his ex-gf. Like your wife her husband also thought that she was being controlling. I just couldn't understand how he and his ex-gf cannot understand my friend's point of view. I feel that in so doing they have disrespected her and trampled all over her. Really sorry but I have been quite enraged and angry about my friend's husband's behaviour for months now and I just wish I could rub some of this anger on my friend...it will probably help her out a bit.

 

Theres not much that can be said to comfort her right now because those images of the possibilities are very hard to shake and either reminding her or trying to downplay them will put you in a bad position. The best you can do is be there to listen when she needs an ear, remind her that it was his decision, and encourage her to find help for what shes going through. Steering her here would be a good start.

 

The thing is she reads an e-mail sent by him to her and that usually gets her so down and depressed because he would be blaming her on his e-mails. Saying that she was the one who decided to kick him out of the house. She was the one who decided when she became jealous of something that isn't there. He tells her that she is deeply mentally unstable (because she sees something that isn't there) and that she needs help. To this day he declares to her with determination that he had done nothing wrong to her and that he had been nothing but monogamous and faithful to her for the 10 years that they have been together. This causes her to rethink and have doubts on what she had done. I told her that it would be for the best if she would just stop communicating with him as his e-mails does nothing to her but upset her. Thus far she had followed my advice and had stopped communicating with him for almost a month now. A week ago though she had received a nasty e-mail from him with regards to delivering a formerly shared computer that he needs to fix but can't because it's all her fault so she should deliver it to him for him to fix it. I was the one who replied to the e-mail as my friend got so distraught about it. I don't know it's just such a mess and he seems to have nothing for my friend but loath, dislike and anger.

 

Thank you so so much to your reply. I really appreciate this.

[Ode2Vendetta]

she did pretty good.

 

That's what I thought so too. But she thinks she did something wrong, that she could have been more patient with him. She thinks that because she wasn't able to hold onto her already stretched out patience and calmness she had let the ex-gf win over her. I told her it's not a contest or a competition. Just told her straight out that I think her husband's an @zzhole so I think she would be better off without him. I don't know I just feel pretty bad for her. She cries all the time and it's been 3 months since they separated. She's been seeing a therapist but in front of the therapist she acts all strong and calm.

 

the only thing i see is that she could have pointed out that when someone needs to be a secret - it's no friend to the best interest of the marriage.

 

She actually did point that out to her husband. Husband kept on saying that he was justified to do that knowing how his wife gets all so jealous about other women that he admires and speaks highly of (i.e. his older sister). This statement just made her feel so bad about herself.

 

he hid his GF, that is the first clue that something was amiss. IF she points out how much he HAD to keep his GF a secret - it would have been obvious he was cheating and lying and covering up.

 

There was an incident in their marriage when they had fights regarding her husband's older sister. She complained about her husband and his sister planning things between them and not even trying to consult her. By the time the plans were made husband will just tell her to dress up as they are going out with his sister to go somewhere then after a couple of minutes sister will arrive. They have done this to her so many times and wife tried to keep her cool about it but of course there is a certain limitations to a person's patience. Anyway, that is just one type of thing. Another one is sister would be calling her husband like 4 to 5 times a day almost everyday in a week. They would spend like almost an hour in each call. I don't know I guess that period in time this has happened because the sister has no boyfriend that time and most of her friends are either busy or what so she probably sort of latched onto her younger brother for company or something but I thought it was wrong timing as this was that period in time when husband and wife were still newly married. Anyway, sister would also sometimes phone and ask her brother to come to her place of work to do something for her like install a desk or something, or she would call him and ask if he wants to hang out with her watch TV shows and such, or ask to do some errands with her. Most of these invites and calls were all only to her brother according to my friend. The sister never ever attempted to at least speak to her on the phone as well, you know it's so easy to tell your brother to pass the phone to your wife I wanna say hello to her and ask her if it's okay with her. So of course wife complained about this saying that how come your mother (her mother-in-law) is more respectful to her and at least ask her as well if wife is okay with her plans and such? Husband got angry and told wife that she's such a jealous bitch, even getting so jealous about his sister of all people. My friend of course felt so bad about it and again was down on herself. It's just how my friend is. She has low self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

be supportive of your friend - while helping her to move forward. have her stay busy and active.

 

Thank you so much for your suggestions and advice. I do appreciate it. She's been my best friend since we were small kids. We are so very close, almost like sisters. It just kills me to see her this way and all for some good for nothing @zzhole. So sorry, can't help but feel so angry.

[tojaz]

 

"I wouldn't let her pick her own friends" <==== this here is so similar word for word that he told her through e-mail when she asked him to lay off his ex-gf. Like your wife her husband also thought that she was being controlling. I just couldn't understand how he and his ex-gf cannot understand my friend's point of view. I feel that in so doing they have disrespected her and trampled all over her. Really sorry but I have been quite enraged and angry about my friend's husband's behaviour for months now and I just wish I could rub some of this anger on my friend...it will probably help her out a bit.

 

The anger will come. Its hard to find that anger for someone you love, you get caught in the trap of trying to figure out how you may have caused it and how to resolve the issue. In my case, my ex had surrounded herself with people that supported what was happening, making it seem all the more like it was my fault because i was seemingly the only one that had a problem with it, in fact, I was the only one that had the truth though. The emotions will run their course in due time and she will likely swing back and forth for awhile, it will be a very confusing time. Heck I'm over a year on the other side and it still gets to me. Some IC would surely prove beneficial to her.

 

 

The thing is she reads an e-mail sent by him to her and that usually gets her so down and depressed because he would be blaming her on his e-mails. Saying that she was the one who decided to kick him out of the house. She was the one who decided when she became jealous of something that isn't there. He tells her that she is deeply mentally unstable (because she sees something that isn't there) and that she needs help. To this day he declares to her with determination that he had done nothing wrong to her and that he had been nothing but monogamous and faithful to her for the 10 years that they have been together. This causes her to rethink and have doubts on what she had done. I told her that it would be for the best if she would just stop communicating with him as his e-mails does nothing to her but upset her. Thus far she had followed my advice and had stopped communicating with him for almost a month now. A week ago though she had received a nasty e-mail from him with regards to delivering a formerly shared computer that he needs to fix but can't because it's all her fault so she should deliver it to him for him to fix it. I was the one who replied to the e-mail as my friend got so distraught about it. I don't know it's just such a mess and he seems to have nothing for my friend but loath, dislike and anger.

 

Making it her fault is natural. Its called gaslighting. He will do whatever he can to shift the blame away from himself and on to her so he will not be the bad guy in it all. The things like she drove him to it and shes the one that threw him out are par for the course, he will never see his part in the breakdown while he is on the defensive. Hes not only trying to convince everyone else hes doing the right things, hes trying to convince himself.

 

 

Thank you so so much to your reply. I really appreciate this.

 

Thats what were here for. Keep posting!

TOJAZ

[Ode2Vendetta]

Making it her fault is natural. Its called gaslighting. He will do whatever he can to shift the blame away from himself and on to her so he will not be the bad guy in it all. The things like she drove him to it and shes the one that threw him out are par for the course, he will never see his part in the breakdown while he is on the defensive. Hes not only trying to convince everyone else hes doing the right things, hes trying to convince himself.

 

Well what he's doing is really destroying what little strength my friend has left and I am standing by not knowing what to do. Do you think he will stop and will realize that it takes two to tango in a marriage? He is 9 years younger than my friend, very very stubborn, highly intelligent and very very manipulative (can twist every word, every action you make to make things seem to look like everything's your fault). I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that now that my friend had stopped e-mailing him he would also stop communicating with her. I think that is for the best. In the meantime the only thing I could do is to assure my friend that everything is not her fault. She seems to need so much re-assurance right now. Is that normal?

[BetweenHere&There]

Well what he's doing is really destroying what little strength my friend has left and I am standing by not knowing what to do. Do you think he will stop and will realize that it takes two to tango in a marriage? He is 9 years younger than my friend, very very stubborn, highly intelligent and very very manipulative (can twist every word, every action you make to make things seem to look like everything's your fault). I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that now that my friend had stopped e-mailing him he would also stop communicating with her. I think that is for the best. In the meantime the only thing I could do is to assure my friend that everything is not her fault. She seems to need so much re-assurance right now. Is that normal?

 

I'm sorry for your friend, no doubt her husband was someone who put his own emotional needs and wants before hers from reading the entire story. My ex did this as well, not with another woman until the end of our 15 year relationship, but with his drinking buddies and family.

 

It sounds like your friend tried to be strong during the marriage and tell her husband that this was not right, not right to disrespect her and the marriage by continuing to be around this ex-GF...and she had every right to make that request. She needs to know that there is nothing that she did wrong in that respect. Having him put out of the home...that took a lot of inner strength on her part as well.

 

Now it appears that the husband is using manipulative tactics to play on her emotions. It's not so much as he has any power over her, it's the fact that she allows his words to hold power over her emotions....a lot of that stemming from being hurt so badly by him. She will need to find that inner strength again to draw a line in the sand and take her power back. No doubt that she still loves him which makes it easier for him to manipulate her.

 

Continue to support her and be there for her but I agree, she needs to cut off all contact with him. If he wants anything out of the home, put it on the front steps (if it sits there for a month...so be it). What she needs to realize is that this is not all her fault, she didn't drive him to do what he has done, he did that willingly on his own without any respect for her. There is no reason for her to play "nice" when he is being blaming, demanding and disrespectful. Time for her to stand up for herself.

 

My ex did some of these things as well....and I still cannot prove if the women he moved in with shortly after we split up was a part of it. He will never admit to it but the access to her was fairly easy for him while we were married (worked less than a half mile apart and lived in the same neighborhood as one of his friends he frequently visited - not to mention, she is a member of the family via his sister's marriage now).

 

My ex is extremely manipulative and now Mr. Perfect Family man which he never was before. I've had to hang up on him more than once just due to his disrespectful tone of voice on the phone. If he calls her and is hateful and making demands, she needs to calmly tell him that she does not appreciate his tone of voice and she will not talk to him until he treats her with more respect...then hang up on him. Do not return texts and automatically delete his emails or do not open and do not return them. I've gone as far as having my ex's cell number, home number and work number blocked by my cell company (which also blocks text messages). She needs to go completely NO CONTACT with him. This will give her time to get back to herself and find her inner strength to deal with him.

 

Putting him out of the house, I commend her for that. Something I should have done with my ex a long time ago had I not allowed him to continue playing mind games.

[You Go Girl]

Anyone who is lied to has every right to be suspicious and lose trust in the marriage.

It really doesn't matter if they were platonic. He hid this relationship the same as an affair.

Hiding, sneaking, lying, are not only signs of selfish behavior, but a refusal to openly and honestly discuss conflict.

It doesn't matter if it's only the missing chocolate bar. It's what the lying does to the spouse that matters.

[Ode2Vendetta]

Anyone who is lied to has every right to be suspicious and lose trust in the marriage.

It really doesn't matter if they were platonic. He hid this relationship the same as an affair.

Hiding, sneaking, lying, are not only signs of selfish behavior, but a refusal to openly and honestly discuss conflict.

It doesn't matter if it's only the missing chocolate bar. It's what the lying does to the spouse that matters.

 

This is what my friend was adamantly trying to point out to her husband but husband (plus ex-gf) can't seem to grasp this logic. To him he was the one who was victimized by his wife when she kicked him out of their home and ended their marriage. Which is why now he has nothing but loathing, dislike, anger and maybe hatred for my friend. I just feel so sorry for my friend because now by reading the words of blame from her husband's e-mail she is having a lot of doubts about her decision and her choice. She's thinking that perhaps she was wrong and that she should have not over reacted or something. I keep on re-assuring her that she did the right thing. That her decision is correct because in my opinion she would be better off without her dishonest husband who hurt her so much. Perhaps if I could persuade her to read through this post and the replies she would finally be rest assured that she had chosen the right path by ending her marriage with someone who can't even be honest with her.

[BetweenHere&There]

Have your friend read this <<<<------- <click>

[Ode2Vendetta]

It sounds like your friend tried to be strong during the marriage and tell her husband that this was not right, not right to disrespect her and the marriage by continuing to be around this ex-GF...and she had every right to make that request. She needs to know that there is nothing that she did wrong in that respect. Having him put out of the home...that took a lot of inner strength on her part as well.

 

Thank you very much for this. This is the re-assurance that my friend is needing right now because she is really full of doubts on whether she had actually chosen the right path in ending her marriage.

 

Now it appears that the husband is using manipulative tactics to play on her emotions. It's not so much as he has any power over her, it's the fact that she allows his words to hold power over her emotions....a lot of that stemming from being hurt so badly by him. She will need to find that inner strength again to draw a line in the sand and take her power back. No doubt that she still loves him which makes it easier for him to manipulate her.

 

Unfortunately she does still love him very much so which made her situation all the more difficult. Just last night while she was on line browsing and reading local news story she came accross an art unveiling ceremony and had discovered that one of the artists is the ex-gf. Now there were photos on the news site and she clearly saw her husband standing beside the ex-gf's father among the crowds in the background while she was giving her speech or something. That was really quite devastating for her and she cried herself to sleep. She felt betrayed all over again.

 

Continue to support her and be there for her but I agree, she needs to cut off all contact with him. If he wants anything out of the home, put it on the front steps (if it sits there for a month...so be it). What she needs to realize is that this is not all her fault, she didn't drive him to do what he has done, he did that willingly on his own without any respect for her. There is no reason for her to play "nice" when he is being blaming, demanding and disrespectful. Time for her to stand up for herself.

 

This is very well said. I am going to convince my friend to come here and read all these kind replies to my post. I know deep down inside she knows all these, it's just that right now she's letting herself be swayed by her husband's words that he is the victim in all of this and she's the one at fault (so she should be ashamed of herself). Though frankly I do not know what the motive of her husband for doing this verbal tirade on her when he clearly stated on his e-mails to her that there is 0% chance of them getting back together again (which I know hurt my friend so much when she read that). In my opinion he merely turned the tables around by making it sound like he was the one who left her for her being a psycho bitch and deeply mentally ill (words which were actually used by the husband) when the truth is that my friend was the one who kicked him out for his lying and dishonesty. I suppose believing that lie he concocted made him feel a bit good about himself. As tojaz said above husband doesn't want to be the bad guy in all of this thus he's trying his very best to make it as if wife is the bad guy.

 

Do not return texts and automatically delete his emails or do not open and do not return them. I've gone as far as having my ex's cell number, home number and work number blocked by my cell company (which also blocks text messages). She needs to go completely NO CONTACT with him. This will give her time to get back to herself and find her inner strength to deal with him.

 

In my friend's case her husband uses e-mail all the time. My friend's therapist kindly offered to screen all her husband's e-mail for her as it might help out a bit if my friend is only told the business side of the e-mail and not the nasty, emotionally and verbally abusive side. Her therapist have read tons of her husband's e-mails (even during their marriage; she's been seeing this therapist since December of last year) and have mentioned numerous times how her husband is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive on his e-mails and really very manipulative and controlling.

 

Putting him out of the house, I commend her for that. Something I should have done with my ex a long time ago had I not allowed him to continue playing mind games.

 

I think she was able to kick him out the house only because she got so fed up already and it was the last straw for her discovering that he's been so dishonest with her.

[You Go Girl]

Here's the key --

If a marriage partner refuses to address issues, has zero conflict resolution skills, continues deceptive behavior, then they have shown that they are not a partner afterall.

Marriages cannot survive without conflict resolution. Period. That's all there is to it, because intimacy is destroyed.

 

He refused, and he sabotaged the marriage beyond repair.

 

Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

[BetweenHere&There]

Wow...reading more into the background, your friend is at war with more than just her ex....she's at war with herself...as YGG says...been there, got the t-shirt.

 

To be put into the public sector as your friend was (with the art unveiling), I can understand how this can affect her inner sense of security. She is not the first woman to have to go through something like this. My own CEO of a fortune 500 had to live through a very highly publicized divorce where her ex walked. She is happily remarried, but I won't say that it didn't hurt her as well...your friend may also benefit from this too..... <<<---- again, click link. I know it helped me and perhaps other here on LS.

[BetweenHere&There]

In my friend's case her husband uses e-mail all the time. My friend's therapist kindly offered to screen all her husband's e-mail for her as it might help out a bit if my friend is only told the business side of the e-mail and not the nasty, emotionally and verbally abusive side. Her therapist have read tons of her husband's e-mails (even during their marriage; she's been seeing this therapist since December of last year) and have mentioned numerous times how her husband is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive on his e-mails and really very manipulative and controlling.

 

I will say that this disturbs me just a little bit...this may go a little beyond the client/therapist relationship....while it is nice that the therapist is willing to do this, it's like someone being in your diary and manipulating your mind based on what you don't know.....while what she cites may be true, your friend needs to face life head on to gain her strength.

 

You stated earlier that she appears much stronger in front of her therapist than with you....this is because she is dealing with the business end of her emotions and not her raw emotions. Strength comes from the inner sanctum of what you know is real...once that has been unearthed it becomes easy to pay someone to tell you what that inner strength needs to be now. It's like an entire "flip" on reality. Your friend had her world uprooted...blind-sided and now being gas-lighted....she needs to get back to both herself...her inner self that she loves and a new reality...life without him. That is the hard part. Loving the inner self happens over time....once that happens, she will be ready to find someone who fulfills her new life.

Edited August 29, 2010 by BetweenHere&There

[You Go Girl]

It bothers me too that the therapist is doing that. That is being a protector, which is not the therapists job, but it certainly will ensure that the therapist has regular $ coming in from this dependency behavior.

IMHO, this therapist has crossed a line.

A friend could read the emails if the woman can't bring herself to face them. The therapist should only hear about them second-hand.

A therapist should never take on a protector role. This is a false sense of security, but definitely sly as to being profitable.