"Best friend" vs. My relationship...

[aerogurl87]

And I chose my relationship. In a way I feel somewhat bad, but in a way I don't. My best friend has never liked my boyfriend and at first I couldn't figure out why. He was always nice to her, never mean to her, and yet she'd still talk down to him and say he wasn't good enough for me. Then my eyes were opened over time and I got to see what the real issue was. She wasn't happy I was happy with him while she was still stuck with her jerk of a guy who wasn't moving forward in their relationship. They've been together almost 2 years since breaking up back in high school and he doesn't pay attention to her except when he wants something, he walks all over her, doesn't show her affection like she wants and doesn't do much to boost her self esteem. They finally moved in together this year but within 1 week he was threatening to move out and go back home a few state's away. She doesn't trust him, he's hit her twice before and I'm sure he doesn't really respect her.

 

Whereas my boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 months, he respects me, loves me, treats me well. We talk about the future alot and are making plans to be together permanently. He's introduced me to all his family and friends and everything is going great. All my exes were *******s and yes she was there for me with them, but she also wasn't trying to get me out of dumping them all. She wanted me to wait to dump my ex till after Valentine's Day so he could buy me something nice before I ended things with him. She didn't like my emotionally abusive ex but she was still friends with him behind my back and told him he deserved better than me and used him as an emotional crutch when her boyfriend was away at boot camp in addition to another guy. Yet I stayed friends with her through all that, and now that I've finally found happiness with someone who treats me well, she decides she hates him because my life is going the way she wants hers to go. But I'm tired of the demeaning comments and if she can't respect him and our relationship, then she can't respect me either. So good riddance.

[carhill]

Wow, that sounds toxic. Good choice.

 

Sometimes things just work out the way they're supposed to.

[aerogurl87]

Wow, that sounds toxic. Good choice.

 

Sometimes things just work out the way they're supposed to.

 

Thanks carhill. The thing is I tried to give her a chance before this about respecting my decision to be with my boyfriend and she said she would be more respectful. But it's like the more she stays around that jerk of hers the more she becomes like him, so full of venom and anger and then wants to take it out on everyone else. Well I'm not gonna stand for it anymore. When he leaves her and her world comes crashing down I won't be there to help her pick up the pieces. I'm washing my hands clean of her and moving on with my life.

[carhill]

To me, what you're describing is a component of balance. You apparently have come to view this friendship as unbalanced and, hence, for yourself, unhealthy. It may have always been that way and you now see it clearly, or it could have evolved to that state. As with everything in life, change is inevitable. I've come to term some of these kinds of friendships 'Hoover' friendships, where one party overwhelmingly sucks the life and love out of the other party to feed whatever ego/psychological dynamic they have going on.

 

If this friend had been a true friend and a supporter of your relationship, even if offering at times constructive criticism, a whole different dynamic would have existed, one of challenge *and* support, a norm in a healthy relationship.

 

BTW, one comment friends have shared with me since getting a divorce is that 'we're glad to have you back', explaining that, during my M, I did take on some aspects of stbx, aspects which caused them concern. Being true friends, they supported the marriage and only voiced concerns when I shared my issues with them proactively. Still, their perspective was they wanted things to work out. I learned that, even without realizing it, I did change.

 

Anyway, hope things work out with your BF. Maybe he'll notice some changes too; positive ones.

[aerogurl87]

To me, what you're describing is a component of balance. You apparently have come to view this friendship as unbalanced and, hence, for yourself, unhealthy. It may have always been that way and you now see it clearly, or it could have evolved to that state. As with everything in life, change is inevitable. I've come to term some of these kinds of friendships 'Hoover' friendships, where one party overwhelmingly sucks the life and love out of the other party to feed whatever ego/psychological dynamic they have going on.

 

If this friend had been a true friend and a supporter of your relationship, even if offering at times constructive criticism, a whole different dynamic would have existed, one of challenge *and* support, a norm in a healthy relationship.

 

BTW, one comment friends have shared with me since getting a divorce is that 'we're glad to have you back', explaining that, during my M, I did take on some aspects of stbx, aspects which caused them concern. Being true friends, they supported the marriage and only voiced concerns when I shared my issues with them proactively. Still, their perspective was they wanted things to work out. I learned that, even without realizing it, I did change.

 

Anyway, hope things work out with your BF. Maybe he'll notice some changes too; positive ones.

 

Well looking back things were always weird between us starting from high school. She was more blessed in the chest region than I was so she used to pick on me about that, but I thought it was all in good fun. Now looking back I think it may have been that she was self conscious and taking it out on me in that way. She was also kinda jealous that I always had a boyfriend or some guy after me, while she didn't have as many dating options. I didn't push those things in her face though, I tried to help her go out and make friends, find guys, etc. But there was always a big unbalance in our friendship. I was always the one to be positive while she always found the negative in something. But it's over now and I think my life will be better without her in it.

[Woggle]

I am sure you will get crap from some women for betraying the sisterhood but your friend does not sound like much of a friend at akk.

[aerogurl87]

I am sure you will get crap from some women for betraying the sisterhood but your friend does not sound like much of a friend at akk.

 

No she really wasn't. Then she tried to make me feel bad by telling me that "it's great I'm cutting everyone out of my life for a guy" and I told her "nope it's just you I'm cutting out and anyone else who can't respect my relationship or my boyfriend." And then because she couldn't say anything to that, she griped about me not respecting her relationship, and I told her I always respected it but when my friend's boyfriend hits her I'm not gonna support her being with him and I'll tell her to leave for her safety. She's turned into a completely different person now, more mean, more bitter, and more of a b*tch and I honestly have no more time or patience to deal with it. My life is on the upswing finally and I don't need her bringing me down with her. So as I said before, good riddance.

[yah]

Since she doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway, good for you for cutting her out of your life.

 

However, I see this more as having her as a friend vs. not. It doesn't matter if you are currently in a relationship or not.

[aerogurl87]

Since she doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway, good for you for cutting her out of your life.

 

However, I see this more as having her as a friend vs. not. It doesn't matter if you are currently in a relationship or not.

 

Hmm yeah it is, but the catalyst for seeing her for who she really was, was when I got with my boyfriend. She was so mean to him and he was so nice to her, I couldn't figure it out at first. I mean yeah she'd been mean in the past, but her seeing me happy with a faithful, sweet, caring guy just brought out the worst in her. That's what got me to finally see her for what she really was. A bitter person out to make everyone around her as miserable as herself or keep them from finding happiness unless she had it herself. So that's why I titled my thread that.