She did it...

[jennie-jennie]

Sometimes people are diagnosed with BPD, just because the doctor doesn't like them. It is a very punitive diagnosis; doctors have been known not to treat those with the label. BPD can be managed and even obliterated with proper therapy, a supportive environment and sometimes, medication.

 

I should know. Seven years ago, I was given this label. I used to cut myself and I attempted suicide more than once; this went on for five years, from the time I was 17 until I was 21. It was never ever a way to control others. It was more like internalising abuse and not having someone understanding to talk to. The more depressed I became, the more my family ridiculed and excluded me. Family therapy was suggested, since the professionals could see that the dysfunctional dynamics were a contributing factor. My family refused.

 

When I was a teenager, I lost a little handicapped boy that I looked after. It was my first job. I dreamt that he would get sick and die. Two days later, he was dead. As if that wasn't enough, my stupidly strict parents wouldn't let me see my precious boy's brother, who was my first boyfriend. Death and being forcibly separated from a love is NOT a piece of cake for a young person, especially if the parents are not sympathetic to the challenge of double losses. I will never forgive them for that, because it wasn't necessary.

 

I was carrying the burdens of undisclosed sexual abuse as well as physical and emotional. Consequently, I was plagued with nightmares and flashbacks. The physical and emotional abuse worsened, as my mental state became more serious. I was beaten for crying and had my mother and my brother constantly screaming in my face, that I was a wimp. One particular attempt was greeted with my mother screaming "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!! IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, GO KILL YOURSELF I DON'T CARE!!!" The cops told the nurses that my mother was the problem, when the medical professionals questioned them.

 

This story has a happy ending. When I was 21, I finally got enough courage to leave home. I had nothing but $5, but I didn't care. I was tired of being consumed by a restrictive and sexist environment. I began to see a therapist who specialised in those with BPD. During our year of work, I was finally able to disclose the abuse and realize that the *******s who hurt me, were not worth my life. I stopped cutting and attempting suicide. The hair I lost from stress grew back and I started to laugh more. Most importantly, I was told that I no longer fit the criteria for BPD. :) It was a very proud and emotional day. Even my therapist wept happily.

 

At age 28, I appreciate life and allow myself to experience emotions, instead of stuffing them down and blowing up later. I am much more assertive and I have no qualms about cutting toxic people from my life. The thought of suicide or self harm doesn't even cross my mind when I'm upset. It is no longer an option because I love myself. All I needed was a happy home. It was as if the years of pain were a long, dark night and when I left home, the sun finally rose.

 

People can heal and move on, but it takes time, help and patience.

 

Since I know what people are like on LS, I am expecting at least a few mean sprited responses to this. I also expecting this post to haunt me forever, since there are some children on here, that like to throw past posts in people's faces. I always feel pity for those posters that get their jollies from being jerks. If I am judged for sharing this, so be it. The experience only made me wiser, stronger and more compassionate.

 

Your story touched me. I am so glad you have healed. I know myself the damage a dysfunctional family of origin can do. I and my siblings are still at fifty struggling with the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

 

Take care. Hugs.

[boomboom63]

Blacklovely - this made me cry

 

 

Hugs to you and so pleased for you that you have torn yourself from a toxic hell

 

BB63 x

[torranceshipman]

Sometimes people are diagnosed with BPD, just because the doctor doesn't like them. It is a very punitive diagnosis; doctors have been known not to treat those with the label. BPD can be managed and even obliterated with proper therapy, a supportive environment and sometimes, medication.

 

I should know. Seven years ago, I was given this label. I used to cut myself and I attempted suicide more than once; this went on for five years, from the time I was 17 until I was 21. It was never ever a way to control others. It was more like internalising abuse and not having someone understanding to talk to. The more depressed I became, the more my family ridiculed and excluded me. Family therapy was suggested, since the professionals could see that the dysfunctional dynamics were a contributing factor. My family refused.

 

When I was a teenager, I lost a little handicapped boy that I looked after. It was my first job. I dreamt that he would get sick and die. Two days later, he was dead. As if that wasn't enough, my stupidly strict parents wouldn't let me see my precious boy's brother, who was my first boyfriend. Death and being forcibly separated from a love is NOT a piece of cake for a young person, especially if the parents are not sympathetic to the challenge of double losses. I will never forgive them for that, because it wasn't necessary.

 

I was carrying the burdens of undisclosed sexual abuse as well as physical and emotional. Consequently, I was plagued with nightmares and flashbacks. The physical and emotional abuse worsened, as my mental state became more serious. I was beaten for crying and had my mother and my brother constantly screaming in my face, that I was a wimp. One particular attempt was greeted with my mother screaming "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!! IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, GO KILL YOURSELF I DON'T CARE!!!" The cops told the nurses that my mother was the problem, when the medical professionals questioned them.

 

This story has a happy ending. When I was 21, I finally got enough courage to leave home. I had nothing but $5, but I didn't care. I was tired of being consumed by a restrictive and sexist environment. I began to see a therapist who specialised in those with BPD. During our year of work, I was finally able to disclose the abuse and realize that the *******s who hurt me, were not worth my life. I stopped cutting and attempting suicide. The hair I lost from stress grew back and I started to laugh more. Most importantly, I was told that I no longer fit the criteria for BPD. :) It was a very proud and emotional day. Even my therapist wept happily.

 

At age 28, I appreciate life and allow myself to experience emotions, instead of stuffing them down and blowing up later. I am much more assertive and I have no qualms about cutting toxic people from my life. The thought of suicide or self harm doesn't even cross my mind when I'm upset. It is no longer an option because I love myself. All I needed was a happy home. It was as if the years of pain were a long, dark night and when I left home, the sun finally rose.

 

People can heal and move on, but it takes time, help and patience.

 

Since I know what people are like on LS, I am expecting at least a few mean sprited responses to this. I also expecting this post to haunt me forever, since there are some children on here, that like to throw past posts in people's faces. I always feel pity for those posters that get their jollies from being jerks. If I am judged for sharing this, so be it. The experience only made me wiser, stronger and more compassionate.

 

WOW this post made me cry too! You are a complete inspiration. What a great story. Your post will inspire a lot of people.

[skywriter]

Wow, Blacklovely, you must be such a strong and humbled person for all the things you've had to endure.

 

I am awe of you after reading your story.

 

I would imagine, given your story, that you have so much to

offer to others in need of patience and understanding.

 

Bless you...and peace....

[whichwayisup]

BL, you are truly an inspiration. Such strength and courage it took to leave! And all that hard work has paid off. It's these types of stories that give others hope!

 

I wish you the best and thanks for sharing.

[White Flower]

You are very right. NO one attempts suicide because of someone else. It would never be anyone else's fault. But there can be contributing circumstances at the hands of others(one such example is bullying in school) There is a pre existing condition that can be exacerbated by outside forces.

 

Knowing the dept of the depression isn't always as easy as people think it is. Recognizing there is a problem doesn't mean you know the extent of the problem or think it can be so deep seeded, especially when one isn't educated about mental health issues. I don't speak about your situation but from my own experience. I too thought it was cowards way out when one of my student's parent committed suicide. I thought it was the cowards way out until I was on the threshold of suicide. You do not think rationally. You do not perceive things the way they really are. I as a parent thought my children would be better off without me. They would have my insurance and I would be out of their lives with my mood swings.

 

Did Mr. Messy cause me to plan my suicide...nope. Did his actions push me in that direction of wanting to leave the current life I was living...yes...along with the death of my parent, the bills, the stress and my own physical illnesses. It was too much, overwhelming. I felt as if I were drowning. I thought I was keeping up with parenting, cleaning and other duties...I wasn't. Unless you are in that tunnel of hellified darkness and overwhelming guilt, fear and anger....you have no idea.

 

It angers me when people assume because they had the hard times and was able to cope, everyone should be able to cope. NO one is immune to hard times in life, but not everyone chemically healthy enough to deal with problems in a constructive way. So in my selfishness I planned to die, after years of up and down living. It took someone outside of the situation and who to fight for her mental health to get me where I needed to be. Mr. Messy told me he knew something was wrong for years, but he used it to go sleep around, for years...so yes, his contribution to the my poor decision was just one of many.

I love you Bent, and I'm glad you're still around.

 

I have felt this way, and choose to overcome every time. Yet, I agree that it is those chemicals that we cannot control and every time I overcome desperate urges during those downswings I consider it a miracle that I overpowered it.

 

Yet, I agree with OWoman that Tina has the right to vent. She and her sweetie are overcoming so many obstacles and to have one more major one hit them must have put her over...her own kind of edge. It may not be a depressive edge, but it is stressful nonetheless. I'm glad she posted and got the various responses. Even she has softened up and has seen a new perspective. Had she never had the guts to post what she did, this may not have been the learning experience she needed. So my hat's off to her for daring to post!

 

(((Tina)))

[White Flower]

Sometimes people are diagnosed with BPD, just because the doctor doesn't like them. It is a very punitive diagnosis; doctors have been known not to treat those with the label. BPD can be managed and even obliterated with proper therapy, a supportive environment and sometimes, medication.

 

I should know. Seven years ago, I was given this label. I used to cut myself and I attempted suicide more than once; this went on for five years, from the time I was 17 until I was 21. It was never ever a way to control others. It was more like internalising abuse and not having someone understanding to talk to. The more depressed I became, the more my family ridiculed and excluded me. Family therapy was suggested, since the professionals could see that the dysfunctional dynamics were a contributing factor. My family refused.

 

When I was a teenager, I lost a little handicapped boy that I looked after. It was my first job. I dreamt that he would get sick and die. Two days later, he was dead. As if that wasn't enough, my stupidly strict parents wouldn't let me see my precious boy's brother, who was my first boyfriend. Death and being forcibly separated from a love is NOT a piece of cake for a young person, especially if the parents are not sympathetic to the challenge of double losses. I will never forgive them for that, because it wasn't necessary.

 

I was carrying the burdens of undisclosed sexual abuse as well as physical and emotional. Consequently, I was plagued with nightmares and flashbacks. The physical and emotional abuse worsened, as my mental state became more serious. I was beaten for crying and had my mother and my brother constantly screaming in my face, that I was a wimp. One particular attempt was greeted with my mother screaming "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!! IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, GO KILL YOURSELF I DON'T CARE!!!" The cops told the nurses that my mother was the problem, when the medical professionals questioned them.

 

This story has a happy ending. When I was 21, I finally got enough courage to leave home. I had nothing but $5, but I didn't care. I was tired of being consumed by a restrictive and sexist environment. I began to see a therapist who specialised in those with BPD. During our year of work, I was finally able to disclose the abuse and realize that the *******s who hurt me, were not worth my life. I stopped cutting and attempting suicide. The hair I lost from stress grew back and I started to laugh more. Most importantly, I was told that I no longer fit the criteria for BPD. :) It was a very proud and emotional day. Even my therapist wept happily.

 

At age 28, I appreciate life and allow myself to experience emotions, instead of stuffing them down and blowing up later. I am much more assertive and I have no qualms about cutting toxic people from my life. The thought of suicide or self harm doesn't even cross my mind when I'm upset. It is no longer an option because I love myself. All I needed was a happy home. It was as if the years of pain were a long, dark night and when I left home, the sun finally rose.

 

People can heal and move on, but it takes time, help and patience.

 

Since I know what people are like on LS, I am expecting at least a few mean sprited responses to this. I also expecting this post to haunt me forever, since there are some children on here, that like to throw past posts in people's faces. I always feel pity for those posters that get their jollies from being jerks. If I am judged for sharing this, so be it. The experience only made me wiser, stronger and more compassionate.

Blacklovely,

 

Who would ever use this post against you? I am very moved by it and if I see anyone throw it in your face they will have to deal with ME. Just PM me and I'll back you up anytime.

 

Now I understand the intimacy thread you started where I 'met you'. It makes more sense now. I have confidence that you will overcome anything now that I know how strong you are.

 

You really are more lovelier for it.

 

(((Blacklovely)))

[seren]

BlackLovely, I can so, so relate to an awful lot of what you posted, I am so very, very glad that you are in a good place now. I hope you look back on things now and feel such pride in yourself. The past sure helps to put the present into perspective. I always think that once you (general you) have been at the bottom of the abyss and survived, nothing, but nothing can ever hurt like it again (bar death of a loved one). It helps to make strong people, even if at times we are inside shaking, we know we can sort it, because nothing but nothing will ever throw us back into the pit again.

 

I applaude your honesty and appreciate your sharing and recognise a fellow survivor.

 

Seren x

[NoIDidn't]

BlackLovely, I can so, so relate to an awful lot of what you posted, I am so very, very glad that you are in a good place now. I hope you look back on things now and feel such pride in yourself. The past sure helps to put the present into perspective. I always think that once you (general you) have been at the bottom of the abyss and survived, nothing, but nothing can ever hurt like it again (bar death of a loved one). It helps to make strong people, even if at times we are inside shaking, we know we can sort it, because nothing but nothing will ever throw us back into the pit again.

 

I applaude your honesty and appreciate your sharing and recognise a fellow survivor.

 

Seren x

 

Yes, one can always tell fellow survivors that turned the trauma into the gift of compassion for others.

 

I certainly relate to the post as well. Especially where the mental health professionals realize that BlackLovely isn't the issue, she's the one that the people with the issues are attacking and making ill.

 

Thanks for posting that BlackLovely. I can only hope that the W that inspired this thread gets such a happy ending, even as she loses the baggage of this marriage and her previous affair. I can only hope that she sees herself as a precious gift to those around her and sees them as gifts to herself - not stressors. I've been in this pit before, and while I've never attempted suicide, I know what it means to want out and never return.

[BlackLovely]

Your story touched me. I am so glad you have healed. I know myself the damage a dysfunctional family of origin can do. I and my siblings are still at fifty struggling with the effects of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

 

Take care. Hugs.

Hugs to you too mama. The pain never truly fades, no matter how old you get. All we can do is remember our strength and the blessings in suffering.

[BlackLovely]

Blacklovely - this made me cry

 

 

Hugs to you and so pleased for you that you have torn yourself from a toxic hell

 

BB63 x

Didn't mean to cause tears, my dear silver fox. Tearing myself away was an act of survival; it came down to my happiness vs dying from my own hand one day.

[BlackLovely]

WOW this post made me cry too! You are a complete inspiration. What a great story. Your post will inspire a lot of people.

Wow, stop crying everyone! I only wanted to shed light on BPD from a former patient's perspective, rather than the clinical stuff I was reading in other posts. Thanks for the kind words; this is what LS was meant to be about; sharing stories to inspire and encourage.

Edited September 4, 2010 by BlackLovely
Had more to say!

[BlackLovely]

Wow, Blacklovely, you must be such a strong and humbled person for all the things you've had to endure.

 

I am awe of you after reading your story.

 

I would imagine, given your story, that you have so much to

offer to others in need of patience and understanding.

 

Bless you...and peace....

I sure do, although I will admit that my patience and compassion runs thin at times. What can I say, I'm human.

[BlackLovely]

Blacklovely,

 

Who would ever use this post against you? I am very moved by it and if I see anyone throw it in your face they will have to deal with ME. Just PM me and I'll back you up anytime.

 

Now I understand the intimacy thread you started where I 'met you'. It makes more sense now. I have confidence that you will overcome anything now that I know how strong you are.

 

You really are more lovelier for it.

 

(((Blacklovely)))

Thank you for the kind words.

[BlackLovely]

Blacklovely,

 

Who would ever use this post against you? I am very moved by it and if I see anyone throw it in your face they will have to deal with ME. Just PM me and I'll back you up anytime.

 

Now I understand the intimacy thread you started where I 'met you'. It makes more sense now. I have confidence that you will overcome anything now that I know how strong you are.

 

You really are more lovelier for it.

 

(((Blacklovely)))

LOL Aww, thanks for offering to stand up for me. I wouldn't message you for that though. Instead of arguing, I just let Tony deal with the fools.

I suppose the intimacy problems can be attributed to the abuse, which teaches people not to trust or open up. It is an ongoing struggle, but I will get there one day.

[BlackLovely]

BlackLovely, I can so, so relate to an awful lot of what you posted, I am so very, very glad that you are in a good place now. I hope you look back on things now and feel such pride in yourself. The past sure helps to put the present into perspective. I always think that once you (general you) have been at the bottom of the abyss and survived, nothing, but nothing can ever hurt like it again (bar death of a loved one). It helps to make strong people, even if at times we are inside shaking, we know we can sort it, because nothing but nothing will ever throw us back into the pit again.

 

I applaude your honesty and appreciate your sharing and recognise a fellow survivor.

 

Seren x

Now I'm getting teary as well. I still have my bad days, but they never lead to cutting or attempts. I've come too far to go back to that. Besides, it doesn't solve anything. I would still have the issues as well as cuts on my arm. Who needs that?

What have you survived? I'd love to hear about it.

[BlackLovely]

Yes, one can always tell fellow survivors that turned the trauma into the gift of compassion for others.

 

I certainly relate to the post as well. Especially where the mental health professionals realize that BlackLovely isn't the issue, she's the one that the people with the issues are attacking and making ill.

 

Thanks for posting that BlackLovely. I can only hope that the W that inspired this thread gets such a happy ending, even as she loses the baggage of this marriage and her previous affair. I can only hope that she sees herself as a precious gift to those around her and sees them as gifts to herself - not stressors. I've been in this pit before, and while I've never attempted suicide, I know what it means to want out and never return.

For a long time, my parents told the professionals that I was sick and making things up. I was so glad when somebody finally realized that I would never fabricate such horrendous lies. I did not disclose the abuse until I was an adult, otherwise I would have been put in foster care.

I would hope that the OW who posted mean things about the W, learns compassion. Most people never learn to be compassionate until something happens to them.

I was born with a lot of compassion. My mother told me that I used to comfort other toddlers at the playground, if the little people were crying. She said that I would pat their shoulders and repeat "It's Otay!" to them. In second grade, I stood up for the developmentally delayed girl in our class.

Sometimes compassion can be bad if there is too much of it. People take advantage of bleeding hearts and some people do not deserve compassion either.

[White Flower]

For a long time, my parents told the professionals that I was sick and making things up. I was so glad when somebody finally realized that I would never fabricate such horrendous lies. I did not disclose the abuse until I was an adult, otherwise I would have been put in foster care.

I would hope that the OW who posted mean things about the W, learns compassion. Most people never learn to be compassionate until something happens to them.

I was born with a lot of compassion. My mother told me that I used to comfort other toddlers at the playground, if the little people were crying. She said that I would pat their shoulders and repeat "It's Otay!" to them. In second grade, I stood up for the developmentally delayed girl in our class.

Sometimes compassion can be bad if there is too much of it. People take advantage of bleeding hearts and some people do not deserve compassion either.

I one hundred percent agree with this entire post, and btw, I was just like you as a child. I was popular with the 'in' crowd and loved by those who I stuck up for. I just couldn't see being blessed with so much and not using it to help others who weren't.

 

The only thing I disagree with, and it's not really disagreeing with the point but with the OP's intent; I don't feel she was being compassionless. I feel she believed the BW only tried to commit suicide as a cry for attention and keeping her WH and not a sincere attempt to take her life. Had it been a sincere attempt to take her life, I suspect that Tina would have spoken with more compassion.

 

Forgive me Tina if I have mis-spoken on your behalf. That is just the way I interpreted your OP.

 

PS to Blacklovely: I would never bully anyone on LS but I would argue points seriously on your behalf. That's all I meant.