what should I do.

[mr.c]

I recently remarried my ex wife. We divorced 2 years ago when I found out she cheated with one of my freinds. We have 2 kids. When we got back together I thought we built back trust in our relationship, and I really missed living with my kids. Well 2 months in our new marriage I find out more about her cheating from our old marriage from a freind. Before we got married the second time she denied it. She also acts like she can't remember anything about whats she used to do. She still lies about almost everything. This time I have a lot more to lose if we divorce. What should I do?

[LT]

Follow your heart, first. No where in your letter did you say you loved her...so, do you? If you really do then reach down and feel that as often as possible...because that is truly how you know a person (no, it's not the other way around)..then:

 

Understand these things: 1) Fidelity isn't the most important vow in a marriage, 2a) some people have a problem with sex and need help; it doesn't mean they don't love you or 2b) a lot of people are not monogamous by nature but again they are able to love one person just not remain sexually faithful, 3) loving your mate is more important than being loved in return. If you love her the past is unimportant so drop it. 4) if you think she may lie about something don't even bring it up. ESPECIALLY about the past.

 

If you can't believe the above, then try to "adopt" them at least temporarily as "theories." Love your wife and tell her you are trying to understand her completely. Give her her freedom (with some understandings regarding safe sex, etc.). This will be hard but try your utmost to do it with your whole heart and do it in a really loving manner.

 

Given her freedom she may very likely never take it. After all, who else would give her such a precious gift?? Or, she may take you up on it, and you will know the truth and have to learn to deal with it (but that is better than being deceived.) Or she may take you up on it and find someone else to abuse.

 

If this was not a marriage I'd say cut her loose. But it is a marriage so you have to work a little with "what is" because that's the real test of marriage. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. In order to salvage that or rebuild it, it is up to you to wipe the slate clean so that something new can be born. If she feels the need to lie then you must dig deep to figure out why; and then remove those reasons. You also have to understand that people don't change except through being loved completely, and the only way to love them completely is to accept them as they are.

 

If you can't love her as she is then I suggest you figure out how to salvage what you can and get out of it.

 

LT

I recently remarried my ex wife. We divorced 2 years ago when I found out she cheated with one of my freinds. We have 2 kids. When we got back together I thought we built back trust in our relationship, and I really missed living with my kids. Well 2 months in our new marriage I find out more about her cheating from our old marriage from a freind. Before we got married the second time she denied it. She also acts like she can't remember anything about whats she used to do. She still lies about almost everything. This time I have a lot more to lose if we divorce. What should I do?

[Tony T]

The person you received this additional information from is not your friend.

 

When you made the ultimate committment to remarry and trust your ex once again, the past should have been erased for all time and you should look only forward. For some butthole to give you information about a long, past, dead event is not serving you or your marriage well at all.

 

When you remarried, you forgave and absolved your wife of all previous transgressions. Until the day you die, there will always be people on the outside trying to destroy what you've got. You need to take whatever they said and delete it from your system. Your wife has no obligation to discuss this past with you nor should she. And she has no obligation to remember anything about what she used to do. That is OVER, GONE, IN THE PAST. You are wrong to bring this up now, now that you have made the committment to heal your relationship and move on. If there were unresolved pieces of that, you should have taken care of it before you remarried her.

 

You are sworn to honor your wife, not busy bodies who are bound to stir crap in your life.

 

Now, the lying about everything that you say she still does is a problem. If she is lying about current events in your marriage, you need to resolve this. Get her counselling to find out why she lies (if you are certain she is lying) and create an open atmostphere in your marriage that makes it easy to come clean and tell the truth.

 

Before you remarried her, you were on notice that your ex-wife was capable of deception and underhandedness. Rather than get in a big finger pointing contest brought on by the outside, you need to work hard, with professional help, to make your marriage strong and get it to go forward in a positive direction. You knew she could be untruthful and you remarried her anyway. You have to take some responsiblity here.

 

Most people learn to lie when they are young, to prevent punishment or to get their way about things. Have a counsellor get into this with her in a big way...find out what benefit she gets from deception...and work with her on it.

 

You also don't want your children to be like her. In all this, I am assuming that you know beyond all shadow of doubt that what she says about certain things are absolutely untruths.