need a line....

[adrift]

PAIN

 

The fallout to those closest to you:

Anger, disappointment, sorrow, sadness, devastation, self-blame, let down, depression, anguish, embarrassment, hatred, inability to trust.

 

Destruction of long term relationships besides spouse such as children, parents, siblings, in-laws, and friends of self & spouse and both.

 

This means that you will deeply and irrevocably hurt those that mean the most to you for years and years and years to come over your one selfish act on a fantasy.

You will shake and crack and destroy a foundation of trust that contributes to their stability for the rest of their lives. You will be resented by those that mean the most to you for being so thoughtless.

 

Do you want to live with the guilt that you made this world a much worse place for those you love? The people who love you expect you not to do anything stupid or shortsighted to tear your family apart, wreck your life, and ruin all of your futures.

Also may negatively affect or confirm beliefs about the worthlessness of expecting someone to honor a commitment, and/or devalue the importance of honoring a commitment.

 

In other words, what you do today may sway your child or niece or someone else close to you to make a painful decision years from now because you set a bad example. After all, everyone survived, no matter how emotionally crippled, may be just the flimsy excuse they need to repeat what you did

 

How you will feel: Like you just all but killed everyone you love and yourself.

Guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, self-hate, unloved, unlovable and rejected, worthless, depressed, doubt your own judgement/self-worth.

 

Dear Co$t: Loss Of Trust From Family

[adrift]

EMBARRASSMENT

 

The fallout from platonic relationships:

Perceived as undependable, thoughtless, selfish, “easy”, “cheap”, dishonest, deceitful, unreliable, immature, a bad example, unable to honor a commitment, incapable of acting like a responsible adult.

 

Brunt of gossip, rumor, whispers, smirks, scorn, smug satisfaction, spiteful mirth, stares, averted looks, nosiness, teasing, cruelty, namecalling (tramp, liar, cheater, homewrecker, sleazy, slutty, bottom of barrel), stereotyping (no matter how “different” or “special” you think of it), alienation, disrespect, unsympathetic, unforgiving judgments of your character.

 

Your boss, co-workers, congregation members, neighbors, friends and acquaintances will all be disappointed in you in one way or another. Your actions will devalue your worth in their eyes in some way, whether it is in painful sorrow or spiteful glee.

 

Add to that the problem of “line-ups”, those thinking you are an easy quick lay and all the disrespect that comes with that.

 

How you will feel: Like hiding under a rock.

Devalued, loss of dignity, loss of self-respect, loss of self-confidence/self assurance, uncentered, no excuse/self-defense.

….guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, self-hate, unloved, unlovable and rejected, depressed, doubt your own judgment/self-worth.

 

Dear Co$t: Cannot Hide From The Truth.

[adrift]

REGRET

 

The fallout consequences of the future:

Things can never be the same. You cannot go back and change what happened or repair the damage to those that mean the most to you that you hurt the most.

You cannot undo the pain and sorrow, or dry the tears that will shed shadows on the hearts closest to yours.

 

You cannot regain respect or untarnish your image back to its prior good state.

 

You cannot unfeel the dreadful cutting pain you will always feel from making choices that led you to do something stupid, which denies it from ever being categorized as a “mistake”. You knew what you were doing every thrilling tantalizing sizzling tiptoeing step along the way. And you selfishly believed everything would be okay.

 

All the yet unmets will all one day know you were one of “those” that did “that sort of thing”. It’ll be told and retold and everyone you ever know will know, and those you form relationships with, you will have to tell them yourself. And no amount of explaining will do.

 

How you will feel: Lost in a sea of confused sorrow of your own making.

Hopeless. Rueful. Regretting. Loss of appetite, craving vices, sleep to avoid reality, sleeplessness, tiredness, exhaustion, nervousness…. devalued, loss of dignity, loss of self-respect, loss of self-confidence/self assurance, uncentered, no excuse/self-defense.

….guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, self-hate, unloved, unlovable and rejected, depressed, doubt your own judgment/self-worth.

 

Dear Co$t: Cannot Change A Reality OF Your Own Making.

[adrift]

IFS

 

If you do happen to stay with what you strayed with, you will never be secure that he won’t stray on you, and he will be possessive, controlling, jealous and suspicious because your actions with him tell him you do not honor your word or your promises or your commitment.

 

He will know that as soon as the next guy comes along that looks at you that certain way that makes you feel attractive, says a few things that validates your worth, and tells you things that make you feel special and needed, you will drop him for a hot quick piece of ass just like he did with his wife. He knows how men are, and now he knows how women are. You have lost your specialness but damn quick.

 

End of fantasy.

 

If you had stayed true to your husband no matter how you felt about another, you would hold a title of specialness in his and everyone else’s mind for all eternity. You could hold your head up and maintain your dignity and self-respect without being arrogant about it. You would always know how close you came, how hard it was to deny yourself, and empathize and sympathize for those who hadn’t the strength to make the hard decision and walk away from it.

 

And if you go crawling back to your husband, and he takes you back out of a desperate stab to heal the wound you caused, it will never be the same. He will always doubt you and the truths you tell him. He will never be able to look at you and be completely painfree. And you will always know it.

 

If only you had not confused contentment with boredom.

 

If only you had fixed yourself up extra nice and put on that happy face like you did when you knew you’d see Mr Temptation, your husband might have looked at you anew in the way you craved.

 

If only you had brought up topics of interest with your husband like you thought about for hours on end with Mr T, your husband probably would have found you interesting enough to interest you again.

 

If only you had done the right thing instead of the easy thing, you would not be so alone and lonely and so sorry you messed up your whole life. And everybody else’s.

 

How you will feel: If only….If only….If only….

Adrift. Alone. Alienated. Drowning. Self-imposed imprisonment.

….Hopeless. Rueful. Regretting. Loss of appetite, craving vices, sleep to avoid reality, sleeplessness, tiredness, exhaustion, nervousness…. devalued, loss of dignity, loss of self-respect, loss of self-confidence/self assurance, uncentered, no excuse/self-defense.

….guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, self-hate, unloved, unlovable and rejected, depressed, doubt your own judgment/self-worth.

 

Dear Co$t: Everything….everything….EVERYTHING….

[adrift]

Help me out here, dear and gentle folk.

 

The above is a letter to myself.

I am on the precipice, and need all the reasons and encouragement you can offer.

 

History: 40something. Yes happily married 20plus faithful years and still working on it especially of late because of the above. Children. Grandchildren. Family values oriented family, friends and extended family with nary a clue and high expectations.

 

There will be no self-disclosure since there are no secrets, and the pain would be too great for even having these feelings.

 

No. Nothing.

He’s very attractive and makes me feel all those old feelings I shouldn’t have for anyone but my husband. Who does not deserve to be hurt or feel threatened by this very silly seriousness.

 

I already know what it will be like. After the novelty wears off, he cannot be as good as the fantasy. I dated plenty before marrying Mr. Right, so know what’s out there, and know the value of what I have.

 

Here is the problem.

He takes my breath away.

He looks at me like he’s lost in my eyes and soul.

He’s got a wicked crush on me and I can see that he tries to deny it. Like I do.

He avoids me, like I do him, but in the course of our work, our paths cross.

 

Then I think I’m imaging it all and I’d just be some quick piece of ass to him and all he’s doing is putting on an act and got a few bets up on whether he’ll get it or not.

 

My solution is to transfer out as soon as possible, knowing that when I do, it will end all possible contact.

The transfer is months away.

 

Looking for any life lines you can throw out this way to help me through.

 

Any advice. Any encouragement. All sincere and grateful thanks

[moimeme]

I think your letter is great - it should be required reading for folks pondering affairs.

 

What to say to yourself? That this is a crush, based on unreality. Enjoy a crush as a crush, but nothing more. Our little brains like to make up fantasies for us. If we are foolish enough to believe them and get caught up in them, then, yes, we ruin our lives. If we refuse to allow ourselves to act on them, then they can be a bit of a fun ride for a while - but ensure that it ends as a crush.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by moimeme

based on unreality.

 

Most affairs ARE! If there was no such thing as 'visions of unreality' there would be no affairs!!!!

 

The whole thing is always based on a LIE.....people tell to themselves. ....like a great big bucket of Tom Sawyer's fence "white wash'! It may look okay from a distance...but the crap you are painting over....always surfaces up and is QUITE UGLY close up!!!!!!

 

.......and all those thorns.....the damnable thorns.......

[meanon]

I know many people in long and happy marriages, as I am. Occasional temptation like this is normal in my experience. I know others will disagree, maybe they have not been in long relationships or their moral/religious codes are more rigid, restricting the things they allow themselves to think of. As you say, it is absolutely not an indication of a problem in the marriage. Your thoughts are your own, you have done nothing wrong - you are human. You have free choice - nothing will happen unless you allow it to. Do not allow guilt about the thoughts to weaken your confidence in your resolve.

 

It may help to read of another's plight, VivianLee I hope you don't mind me quoting your thread:

 

[http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=32802

 

Post again if you need to talk

[jester]

So you're experiencing temptation for another man after 20 years of marriage? Well, get in line.

 

The only folks who don't occasionally feel tempted by others, after 20 years of marriage, are the dead (or the "might as well be dead").

 

Minimize contact, don't succumb, and revel in the fact that another man thinks you're very hot.

 

Appreciate your erotic feelings. Just don't act on them.

 

Enjoy the nice strokes because they become rarer and rarer as we plow through life.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think as women, we all confront this situation MANY times over in our lives. There is never a shortage of attractive, interesting men eager to pursue, flatter and woo. Sometimes it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable, and other times it makes you feel alive.

 

The last three years of my fifteen-year marriage was the toughest for me. At that time, there was no intimacy, no sex, no affection, or mutual respect between my husband and I. Our daughter was the only reason either one of us stayed. It would have been so easy for me to find a thousand excuses to convince myself I deserved to find comfort and support…even if in the arms of another man. As strange as it may sound, it wasn’t even the sex that I craved, rather it was touch--- just simple human contact since I hadn’t received even so much as a kiss or hug from my own husband in years. We had grown that far apart.

 

While the temptations were many I, like you, had my feet firmly planted on the ground even while my head was sometimes in the clouds. My daughter was reason enough to keep any self-indulging fantasies at bay. While I considered all the same probable outcomes as you have, it didn’t matter to me what my husband, family or friends thought. But it DID matter to me how she might feel. I never wanted her to go through the same pain that I did when discovering how my father’s affair had devastated my mother. And as long as I remained in my marriage for her, I was going to be in it all the way. If, as parents, we are willing to sacrifice our very lives for our children…then why should it be so difficult for us to deny ourselves selfish indulgences? Particularly when they would have such devastating effects on our children which could last a life-time.

 

Remembering that I was setting an example for a child that looked up to me, made it easier for me to walk away from many temptations. I was able to think with a clearer head, remembering I was not just living for myself, but my life belonged to another person. And when I thought about the character and integrity of a man who would earnestly pursue a married woman (and at times was married himself) I was quickly able to separate the reality from the fantasy. This was NOT the quality of person I could ever see myself involved with. In a flash, any flattery went up in a puff of smoke and prince charming suddenly became a toad!

[Benedict]

Your's has just become my favorite post, Enigma.

 

Adrift, I daresay you have it all sussed out correctly. You don't need any advice. I would say that you are a real rarity among humans - you are able to analyze your thoughts and feelings in the midst of experiencing them. I envy your husband and family.

 

All the same, the falttery is nice to have on occasion. Like others have said: enjoy it for a bit; the strokes become less frequent as time goes on.

 

'Luck

[moimeme]

I wish they'd make this a 'sticky post' on the Infidelity board. You make the perfect case for why people who purport to be adults need to think of others before they make selfish decisions.

[meanon]

I agree it's a great post but have a different perspective - that it perfectly illustrates how even mature adults who are not selfish can encounter serious temptation to have an affair, many years into a long marriage.

 

An interesting illustration of how we see different things depending on our frame of reference

[Benedict]

I guess my written communication is not what it could be...

 

it perfectly illustrates how even mature adults who are not selfish can encounter serious temptation to have an affair, many years into a long marriage.

 

 

Yes, Meanon, that expresses it perfectly as well.

[moimeme]

that it perfectly illustrates how even mature adults who are not selfish can encounter serious temptation to have an affair, many years into a long marriage

 

This is not 'a different perspective'. Don't fall prey to a certain poster's constant BS about me. Of COURSE I understand how temptation can occur. I'm not a moron. My point was that Enigma has responded perfectly about what one needs to do when this happens.

[meanon]

OK Peace - I'm not having a go at anyone. I just thought it was useful to draw a distinction between a selfish act and a selfish person, an immature act and an immature person. It's half term here and I have two toddlers - I have to keep reminding myself - believe me

 

P.S. Benedict - beautiful writing as always!

[cdn]

I just thought it was useful to draw a distinction between a selfish act and a selfish person, an immature act and an immature person.

 

This is really useful... and not just for this topic. This distinction in expression can make all the difference in how or even whether our message is heard. It's all too easy to turn an action into a character assault... and so damaging to our relationships to do so. Few us respond well to being told we're selfish or immature. Yet I think most of us can accept that we occasionally have thoughts or even behavior that is selfish or immature.

 

Thanks for making this distinction, Meanon.

[meanon]

You are welcome - great to see you back cdn

[moimeme]

draw a distinction between a selfish act and a selfish person, an immature act and an immature person.

 

Actually, I keep making the mistake of thinking that everyone comprhends that one can love the sinner but not the sin, and that one's actions in one regard do not define a person as a whole. That is my normal mindset; it is not my way of thinking to think that someone who does one selfish thing IS selfish as a whole; that sort of characterization would require a series or pattern of selfish acts IMHO. However, I need to remember that a lot of people confuse the sin with the sinner - or the opinion with the poster and therefore may think that others do the same.

[meanon]

LOL Moi - just noticed your signature says as much

[moimeme]

LOL Moi - just noticed your signature says as much

 

I was hoping people would remember that about me but stuck it in the sig as an added reminder.

[adrift]

Thank You All

I need to hear it all.

I had to write it all out, but fear a hard copy would be discovered and so use this as a means of sorting it all out for myself and in need of advice and encouragement.

 

I have felt so ashamed about this as if I’ve actually been unfaithful.

Thank You for helping me to see it’s not as bad as I believed it to be for having feelings that I “shouldn’t” be feeling and thoughts I shouldn’t be entertaining….though it still is bad.

 

I have encountered guys with crushes before and been amused and flattered, toyed with the idea, easily dismissed, but never been tempted.

This is so different, but I’ve seen it hundreds of times played out over and over where I work and I know every outcome.

It has never been a happy ending.

 

And I have heard over and over the degrading things people say about others that fall into affairs.

There are so few people who feel sorry for the devastation or the sadness at the ruin, as if they revel in the gossip or the one-up-ness, and some of them do the very acts they vilified or become victims one way or another of an affair.

I cannot let myself be the brunt of that cruelty, even covertly on others’ part.

 

And I have worked too hard to get where I am and plan to stay this course to get further ahead.

Something like this would kick all my hard earned credibility out from under me.

And it could never be rebuilt.

My colleagues may act like nothing had changed, but I know they would think less of me and my contributions would be more easily dismissed rather than respected.

 

I believe my actions can change the future of many, no matter how small or insignificant they may be.

Something damaging like this cannot ever be good or right for the future of anyone or have any positive consequences.

 

And most importantly I cannot hurt my husband who is so good to me and I fell so lucky in love with.

He doesn’t “expect” me to honor my commitment, he rightly takes for granted that I won’t do anything to hurt him or our children.

We’ve both seen it over and over and talked about it over the years not to hurt each other or ruin our family and the importance of staying faithful to each other.

I love that he has such faith in me. He trusts me. I have always been free to be me.

 

Right now he knows something is up, like one who smells a wisp of smoke but can’t trace its source.

I have to be very careful not to hurt him or mar our foundation with this.

I have no desire to find out whether something like this could “strengthen” our marriage.

He does not deserve to be hurt or to question his worth in my eyes, which has nothing at all to do with what is going on now that I think of it.

I feel so selfish.

 

I am fairly certain I will not succumb to this because it goes against everything I believe in.

Actually I am determined not to let myself fall into this.

I know how wrong it is.

I know how stupid it is.

I know that no good can ever come of it.

I don’t know what the lesson is here, but I don’t like the learning process of it.

 

A position will come open in the next few months and I am sure I will be promoted to it. This has been in the works since before this hot little ugliness bared its horny head in my direction, so it’s not like I’m running away from the problem or taking the easy way out, but I do see it as a coincidently convenient way to get out of the claws this lusty temptation trying to envelope me.

 

My unlucky/lucky husband has been the recipient of some spicier sex, which has made him more attentive more often lately.

The deception is that I am blaming his new medicine on his revived interest. My goal is to be more into him to help me get through this, and divert his attention from investigating the source of that wisp of smoke he senses.

 

Thank You Again.

Thank You for sharing your experiences and knowledge and wisdom and not harshly judging me for trying to manage my way through this fever.

And thank you for the compliments, though I don’t feel mature at all right now, but more like a teenager out of control and being absolutely goofy and clumsy and graceless about it all. Ready to fall on my face and make a fool out of myself for a stupid and obvious misstep.

 

Please wish me the strength and courage to do the right thing.

Again, any advice, any encouragement, throw me a line.

So much appreciated.

So much. So Much.

[adrift]

The Plan

Be professional at all times.

Short and to the point without being curt.

Become busier and otherwise preoccupied as a means of showing no interest.

Less eye contact.

Divert personal talk back to business.

Dress down, not up or nicer, or prettier or sexier to lengthen or enhance the thrill of being thought attractive.

Think about my husband who knows all my flaws and loves me anyway.

Picture the poverty of losing everything or starting over again against all that we have worked so hard to build together so far.

Picture tearing down the building of our children’s future against helping them to be fully independent and emotionally healthy for the rest of their lives (I admire you for that very hard and selfless sacrifice Enigma).

Superimpose the fantasy with the pain in my husband’s eyes.

Put one foot in front of the other and move in the right direction, even if it’s against the wind or an uphill battle feets don’t fail me now.

[adrift]

If we are foolish enough to believe them and get caught up in them, then, yes, we ruin our lives…. Moimeme

 

It may look okay from a distance...but the crap you are painting over....always surfaces up and is QUITE UGLY close up…

Arabess (yes, and I would have to look at that ugliness in the mirror and in others eyes everyday the rest of my life)

 

You have free choice - nothing will happen unless you allow it to. Do not allow guilt about the thoughts to weaken your confidence in your resolve… Meanon

 

Appreciate your erotic feelings. Just don't act on them.

Enjoy the nice strokes because they become rarer and rarer as we plow through life…. Jester (I know you are not jokingJ)

 

why should it be so difficult for us to deny ourselves selfish indulgences? Particularly when they would have such devastating effects on our children which could last a life-time….Enigma

 

Remembering that I was setting an example for a child that looked up to me, made it easier for me to walk away from many temptations. I was able to think with a clearer head, remembering I was not just living for myself, but my life belonged to another person….Enigma

 

And when I thought about the character and integrity of a man who would earnestly pursue a married woman (and at times was married himself) I was quickly able to separate the reality from the fantasy. This was NOT the quality of person I could ever see myself involved with. In a flash, any flattery went up in a puff of smoke and prince charming suddenly became a toad!…Enigma

 

Adrift, I daresay you have it all sussed out correctly. You don't need any advice. I would say that you are a real rarity among humans - you are able to analyze your thoughts and feelings in the midst of experiencing them. I envy your husband and family….Benedict (thankyouthankyouthankyou for this)

 

it perfectly illustrates how even mature adults who are not selfish can encounter serious temptation to have an affair, many years into a long marriage….Meanon (thankyouthankyouthankyou for not judging all of me for this piece of a lapse)

 

I just thought it was useful to draw a distinction between a selfish act and a selfish person, an immature act and an immature person….Meanon

[meanon]

Glad to help. Feel enough guilt to motivate yourself to keep away from this man but PLEASE forgive yourself for these feelings, particularly when you get out of temptation's way. You are human. You have not lapsed. You judge yourself but NONE of us were judging you - we have many on these boards who have had affairs or have been the other man/woman. As you can imagine that makes for lively debates. You just witnessed an echo of that.

 

You have tremendous insight and intelligence, as well as the ability to look honestly at the real consequences of your actions. Your plan sounds great - you'll make the right choices.