My jealousy are becoming dangerous

[myrias]

Hi! I’m new here (first post) I’ve been reading you people for a while and decided to start posting and not just looking around

 

I need advice on how to cope with my jealousy… nothing new here…

 

I have a wonderful boyfriend. I love him and he loves me and we are extremely happy together, except when my jealousy comes to surface. We’ve been together for 9 months and are living together (at the moment only during the weekend due to work but it will change in two months).

 

I know where my jealousy comes from, it’s only my self-esteem. The thing is physically I am not what he mostly likes in a woman. I know he feels attracted to me, very much, but if you ask him to describe a beautiful woman the description will be very different from me.

 

And then he has an ex-girlfriend who is what he likes in a woman. They were ending their relationship when we met, but I somehow can’t stop obsessing about her. He ended the relationship because it didn’t work between them, he calls her his last adolescent passion, the last woman he fell in love with because of her beauty and immaturity (the immaturity was the main reason they separated). And he loves me very much and wants to share his life with me.

 

She’s still so in my mind because I know they still have contact (internet chatting and exchanging sms) and I know that my jealousy is so idiot, I mean we live together and she lives 300 km away from us.

 

So here I am trying to stop being jealous of an ex-girlfriend who lives very far away from him and is beautiful exactly as he likes. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? The greatest problem is that due to me being jealous of her I automatically become jealous of every girl he sees that resembles her in beauty or attitude and… well I truly want to stop this, we love each other and I don’t want to destroy a wonderful relationship because of this… and after our argument last friday night I truly think it can

 

Can you give me any advice… or is the post too confusing..

 

Thanks!!

 

Ana

[moimeme]

Your problem is common. One of our members, Thinkalot, has been dealing with this issue and has offered her story to anyone else in her situation. Look up her posts.

 

There are a lot of books on jealousy in relationships, or you can see a counsellor.

[morrigan]

You really need to see yourself as you are--a good looking girl who has a guy that loves her. If you feel that you aren't physically perfect for your boyfriend, is your boyfriend the perfect physical type you've daydreamed about in the past? Probably not. He might feel that there are other guys you find more physically attractive than him. Fantasy girlfriends/boyfriends are just that--fantasy. And I doubt your boyfriend would be with you if he didn't find you extremely attractive.

 

Jealousy isn't a good method to use with other people in the long run. Even if you can't control having jealous thoughts at times, it's probably a good idea to keep these thoughts to yourself.

 

All I can say about his ex is, she apparently was immature and the relationship didn't work out. If you feel uncomfortable with the two of them still communicating, I'd be honest and tell your boyfriend. Good luck!

[watever]

he shudnt b in contact with her so regularly..mails and sms?? noway!

[Goatsbreath]

I would wonder if the seperation in his and her relationship came around the time the distance happened. Are you sure she didn't move or something and this created the distance. I mean, what does he claim all this Internet chat to be....friends. Why is he keeping in contact. To me it sounds like your jealousy might not be founded on nothing but perhaps he is turning the situation around in your head and making it your fault. I could be wrong and you could just be a real jealous person but sometimes there is good cause.

[supermom]

I am a married woman and I still talk to my ex, and there are truly no feelings there. My husband has ironically become friends with him too. Yes, there were jealousy issues there, but not anymore. I also make sure that I don't talk to him when my husband is not home, to avoid anything. If I do talk to him, it's mainly to say hi while I'm asking to talk to his wife (we're friends too) It's normal to remain friends sometimes. As long as there are no personal talks and "advise asking" between them, then I think it's okay as long as you are not finding little "signs" of anything else

 

It seems that maybe he is done with the "ditzes" and wants to have a more meaningful, mature relationship that you can give him. I'd keep an eye out, but it is not too uncommon to remain friends. Maybe too you should while they're chatting online, pop in and say "hi" just to let her know you are around, and that maybe you could be on okay terms with each other. I feel that is the easiest way to help your situation. Now, if you do talk to her and still feel you don't like her, then your feelings are what they are.

 

I tried it and the weird thing is, now I am friends with my ex's wife (because I feel she is a good person and has actually proved to be a good friend too). There are no jealosies and we actually talked about when we were jealous of each other. It actually has helped me.

 

Good luck to you and keep your head up!

[myrias]

Thank you so much for your advice!

 

You people are right, I have a much more mature and meaningful relationship with him and I know he's much happier with me. But I still am jealous, although I don't think I'm that crazy, just insecure.

 

The thing is they were always far away from each other, so basically their relationship was pretty much what it is now, they "smsed", emailed, chatted and saw each other ocasionally on weekends. Now they don't see each other but still they keep contact.

 

And this weekend I did a pretty shameful thing, but I was on the edge yesterday... and I checked his phone and the sms she sent him were love poems. Of course this only tells me what she feels, I know he doesn't feel the same, but still it hurts me that he needs this ego-boost. I didn't talk to him about it because I can't tell him how disonest I was. I feel so ashamed of what I did, I know I didn't have the right to do it, and I do not have the right to accuse him of things I knew by ways of my disonesty, so the only way to work this out is to work on the jealousy issue.... not that easy!!

[Kenzie21]

Hey hon,

I just wanted to welcome you to the never ending sister-hood of jealousy.

Let me tell you something that will make you smile, Always remember that true you may have moments of "temporary insecurity" but you wouldn't feel that way, if you didn't feel so strongly for him. Take comfort in how much you care for him. Because I am the exact same way. Also, take comfort in knowing that jealousy works both ways, men just aren't vocal about it. They take action, my bf and I have more than a few times when we buck horns with each other. Because we both are bull headed and spiteful. But in the end, I'm crying and he's running to hold me. Because in the end all that matters is if you really honestly step back and think, you'll know he loves you. Just always take a deep breath, take a step back from the heat of the moment and ask what am I really upset about, he's here with me.

As hard as it is trust me Lord do I know it, sometimes its best really to pick your battles.

because a lot of lil ones, build over time.

I hope this helps. I'm in the same boat you are, and I just always tell myself I can't control him, because men hate to be controled. So if I let him be, and be cautious in things to fight about we grow more stable.