totally out of control

[overseas2004]

Dear All:

 

My live in boyfriend of 6 months just left me. We started dating by being friends for about a month. Then one night he kissed me. Immediately after a steamy passionate kiss he told me he had problems with impotence. I discussed this with him a lot over the next few days and I told him that he should go to a doctor. He took my advice reluctantly. At first he said he had learned to live with the impotence and it did not bother him. After about two weeks at the doctors his sexual condition began to improve and he was actually capable of having sex. The doctor told me that he was normal but that he had problems with commitment phobia and that I should take it easy on him. I will also add that my boyfriend is 32 and he has never had a lasting relationship before me. (Part of that though is because he was involved in a war for 6 years in Europe). And I think that is part of the reason he is traumatized.

 

I noticed that while we were dating that he was sometimes frustrated. He would usually vent his frustrations on objects (hit the wall, tear his clothes, break a glass) but he was never violent towards me. I really worked on caliming him down alot. In January he moved in with me. By that time he had calmed down a lot and we were really enjoying each other. I was really pleased to have him in my house because he was charming, very loving, helpful to me around the house etc... I had a really bad cancer scare at that time. The doctors told me that I had to do some biopsys. Everything turned out ok though. Also around New Years time he started mentioning that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we started to be a family. I was on cloud 9..... And he appeared to be as well.

 

In retrospect I don't think that we fought often. Maybe like once a month. But the one thing that really bothered me is that when we did fight he would always tell me that he was not meant for relationships or mairrage, that he cant see himself having kids etc... It would really upset me when he said those things. On New Years he mentioned to me that he loved me and that he did not think it would be bad if we became a family. Like I said cloud 9..

 

Two weeks ago I was waiting for him to come home and I did not know where he was. He likes to go out with his friends from time to time. While I had no problem with that I was angry because he told me he was coming home earlier. I was waiting with dinner and plans to go to the movies. Finally at 11 pm he walked in. I yelled at him. He immediately told me that he is not meant for relationships and that he can't stand this anymore, and that he is losing his feelings for me and that he had to go and that it is much better for him to be alone. He took some of his stuff and left. (I will add one comment: he did like to go out a lot with his friends alone. I always hated that and tried to get him to go out less. But I also kept the balance and let him continue this activity at a reasonable rate. He had minimized his outings to twice a week and I was ok with that. But he would never make plans with me. He always just went somewhere after work and didn't even call to say "hey going out with the guys tonight")

 

Since he left I have only seen him once. We went out to dinner and to the movies. He was really sweet that night and I thought we were on our way to patching things up. But then afterwards he did not call or write. Last night (6 days later) I finally broke down and called him because I just was so lost without him. I asked to see him. He agreed to see me but he was really upset and kept asking me "what do you want from me and why are you playing games with me". I have never played any games with him. He ended up screaming and throwing down the phone. I heard him scream and then it hit the pavement.

 

I never felt a single moment that he ever lost his feelings for me. The night before we broke up he was so sweet and everything was fine. He looks at me always like he truly loves me and I can feel the warmth. All of the sudden he is just gone. I feel like I am out of control and I need to see him. What do I do?

[The flower girl]

Hi everyone im new here! hope this helps.

 

First off, you have to remember this is not your fault. Your BF was a time bomb waiting to go off, from the moment you where in his life he panicked, Suddenly he had to face his problems! He had to go the doctor, something he has no doubt wanted to do for ages but refused, and when you came along he had no excuse not to!

 

The fact is he was looking for an excuse to break up and if you had not said anything it still would of happened. He should not of lied about what time he was coming home, but I bet he stayed out later so you would confront him when he got home so he could finished it, if he was drunk and had been without with the lads he would of been full of attiude too!

 

You feel you need to see him but its the guilt that you really want to lose by seeing him, because you fink this is down to you. dont contact him because he may then use this as an excuse to make you feel worse.

At the end of the day you have a lot of love to give and you tried your best, but you cant wave a magic wond. He will be the one who comes back to you, but only if you sit back and let him. Untill then, make him work for it.

[overseas2004]

Sorry to dissapoint but I ended up calling again. And of course you were right he... made me feel bad. But I do promise I wont call anymore.

 

Thanks a lot. I do have guilt... and I should not. I really have suffered a lot these past couple of months.

[Errol]

I get the feeling that there is a LOT more to the story here. As for what to do -- well, let him go. Get some counseling for yourself if you feel you need it to get past this and learn about yourself. Review the relationship as honestly as you can and look for patterns in your own behavior and your triggers. Think about what is most important to you and what would be deal-breakers for you so that when you go into a new relationship you are not totally blinded by emotions.

 

Good Luck.

[Arabess]

It really seems that you are the only one who is feeling the love and warmth. There is nothing in his actions which would indicate he is interested in continuing this relationship.

 

It's so hard to accept the fact that the time has come when a relationship is just over. You can call him and beg him to see you. If he doesn't have other plans....he may go out with you and I'm assuming you guys are also intimate. The problem is....afterwards....you aren't going to feel any better than you do now. All you will create for yourself is an endless cycle of disappointment.

 

I've posted this before....and it's so true: It's better to have a painful end, than a pain with NO end.

 

He isn't the only guy in the world...it just seems like it right now. Having a broken heart is a crappy feeling. Give yourself some time to heal.....and move on.

[overseas2004]

Pretty cool quote. I will pass that on to my brother who lives carpe diem. hope is spelled that right

[overseas2004]

If you read the letter carefully you would see a lot of indications that he did care and was very supportive. Sorry can't agree with that.

 

Can agree with the fact that I need to leave....

[Arabess]

I'm sure he DID care while you guys were together. It's now that you've broken up....he isn't responding in a way which would suggest he wants to patch up the relationship at this time.

 

In every breakup...there was usually a great original relationship filled with words of love and promises. Once it's over though....those words and promises can be irrelevant. The more you focus on what could or should have been....the harder it is on the heart.

 

I personally think the only thing someone can use as a possible love gauge....is how the other person is responding NOW.

 

I used to read between the lines too....and then I realized I was fooling my own self. If someone loves you....most of the time you'll know it. When you have to question it....is when the red flag needs to come up.

[pinkroses]

He sounds like a flake. I thought my bf had genuine feelings for me too, but all I uncovered after seven months was a stone where a heart should be and a nasty attitude.

[overseas2004]

I don't know if it means anything. I got a text message from him today. Rough translation into English is. I am sorry I did not come to see you. I really wanted to be there with you. I don't like making your life difficult.

 

I did not respond at all mainly because I don't know what to say. Any suggestions? or am I write to just ignore it. BTW he is talking about my follow up visit to the doctor.

[The flower girl]

This man sounds just like my ex. He broke my heart and I pestered him for weeks, until one day I knew I couldn't keep chasing a man who didt want to be caught.

So I stopped.

And it was much easier then I thought It would be really.

And I started to feel better.

The, for no reason, he would text, because I assume his ego didt like the fact I had stopped feeding it! And once again I would feel bad!

So I would ignore his text messages.

The I would panic — what if he wanted me back after all? What if I was throwing away the chance?

 

These are mind games. No one deserves them. And there is no excuse for him to do this.

 

To cut a long story short its a two years later and even now when I see my ex out he STILL asks me back, and he always WILL as long as I DONT RESPOND.

 

He can make the effort to go to the doctor, I think you should praise him for that, but only if he goes!

Until then, you are BUSY next time he texts you. Otherwise, you might as well write the word WELCOME on you, and lay down.

[overseas2004]

He called to ask me how I was. Sorry gals to keep giving the latest.

 

I told him that I can't help him with his guilty feelings about the way he treated me. That he should not look to me for that.

 

I told him that I loved him and that I cared for him and would love him back in my life. But that I can't take the constant refusal to commit and the lack of desire to improve his sexual problems and his anger and violence. I told him to think about who I was to him and where I was pushing him (in a good or bad direction). I also told him I was going home and that if he was prepared to lose me forever and never see me again then I was prepared for that too.

 

If anyone helped me through all of this ..... it was all of you.. I couldn't have done this two days ago. You will have my heartfelt gratitude from now on....

[clia]

But the one thing that really bothered me is that when we did fight he would always tell me that he was not meant for relationships or mairrage, that he cant see himself having kids etc...

 

When people say things like this, BELIEVE THEM.

[Darkangelism]

Its sounds like you tried to make him into something he wasnt, a long term comitted person, he made the decision to get out. It is time to start looking for a new guy for yourself, one that wants the same things that you do.

[overseas2004]

I am reposting because advice has really soothed and helped me.

 

Just to let you all know what happened. I stopped calling and he has not contacted me. It has been really tough. I tried going out but that really did not help. In fact I found myself worse when I came home... totally in tears.

 

I am sticking closer to home now. And trying to have friends over or go to the movies. But it has been really hard. That has afforded a bit more peace.

 

I am just sobbing all the time. I feel guilt for pushing him in what I thought was the right direction. That kills me. Of course teh house haunts me because we lived there together. And I keep thinking what if I had been more patient? And then I second guess myself and say. Cmon there's no way you could have made it work.

 

I am a tough cookie though and I know that. Some men are put off by that. Although I think he was tougher to deal with than me.

 

Just alot of pain. Any comments welcome...

[curiousgeorge]

I wasn't really going to answer posts. I kind of came here for myself. But being a soldier myself and reading your letter I felt like I had to make a few comments.

 

It is really nice of you that you tried to help. And the fact that he is ungrateful for that and has totally disappeared from your life is just an indication that he really was not getting better. You just offered him some stability for a time.

 

I don't think that there is anything you could have done to make it better.

 

As for your fights about his going out. You should have let him go out. Sometimes people need freedom. But on the other hand this is something that you could have had a rational discussion about. His decision to break it off for that is not rational and is based more on his inability to be in a relationship.

 

And really you wanted to have kids with this man. What did you think would happen when he got frustrated with the kids and then he started breaking glass and lying down in the street. How do you think that would effect the little ones.

 

bad decision on your part. And you should just move on without looking back, feeling guilty or whatever. You could not have made this one work.