Love -vs- Pride

[Arabess]

I was wondering just how much the old saying "You always want what you can't have"....has to do with the problem of letting go of someone who has broken off the relationship.

 

I think this may even be more true in an affair, due to the fact that the other person already has someone else. Maybe getting over it is related to the thought of having 'lost' to someone else.

 

How much of the pain and suffering is actually related to the love itself....and how much is just a result of lost pride?

[yes]

i think the two are very interconnected. people who lose love often blame themselves which leads to self-esteem issues. having another person in the picture makes it even worse because there's a concrete object to compare yourself to. i don't think one would have much trouble letting go if it's _only_ pride that's hurt though - s/he would simply seek an ego-boost elsewhere and move on. but when it's pride AND feelings that are hurt, it's :( ...

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Arabess]

Yeah.... I think you are right. It would have to be a combination of the two.

 

I've actually been in the position though of not being particularly interested in someone until they quit showing interest in me.

 

Maybe I'M the fruit cake.....LOL!

[HiDDeN PiGLeT]

nope. not a fruit cake. make be chocolate cake yummmmmmmmm j/k. its totally normal. people always want whats out of reach.

[moimeme]

people always want whats out of reach.

 

Untrue. People who fear risk aim their aspirations at that which is out of reach so they don't have to walk their talk. It's much safer to be interested in someone who's not a prospect because then you don't actually have to have a relationship.

 

Could also be an issue of self-esteem; the old "I'd not be a member of a club that would have me" syndrome. If he likes yucky you, he must be nuts. If, however, he doesn't think you're worthy, then he agrees with your opinion of you and therefore he must be smart and worth the effort. Of course, if he succumbs, then he's stupid after all and not to be valued.

 

As for pride being a cause of hanging on - maybe. I think it's much simpler. We all crave love and acceptance and, when we have it (or think we do) we cling to it and are reluctant to let it go. Part of it is that if someone leaves us, we end up feeling rejected and unworthy - that's not really pride; it's just a reaction to the situation where one is not wanted.

 

I've seen it mentioned elsewhere, and I believe, that acceptance is a fundamental requirement for survival - so rejection is much more important to us than just an ego-wrecker. It touches the deep need in us to be acceptable to the tribe so we don't get left alone to die.

[yes]

i've also gotten interested right after the guy suddenly lost interest - but it never lasted long!

 

-yes

[yes]

i dont think ppl always want what's out of reach either but:

1 - newness is exciting, so people are always curious about new people (whether or not they act upon it is a diff't story)

2 - ppl are interested in what's JUST beyond their reach because it creates a feeling of frustration, which can be associated with arousal by the experiencer. been there, done that.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Chicane]

Chicane Here ,

 

Well you know my current situation . But that all starts from the past . I myself have always felt that I was unattractive to most women for some reason . Image & Pride plays a big part in the long run on how you view yourself and thusly carry yourself in day to day life . I'm shy , a little introverted , but yet in the general public I can be very comical and pleasant , seems like a oximoron , but maybe the comical side allows me to assert my presence out there without being taken too seriously , could be a drawback in meeting a woman . Sorta like conveying pride when there is little actually within myself .

 

If you have a poor self image , then it's easy to want to grab onto almost anyone that may show intrest as it's so rare someone has ever approached me directly , hense my MF scenario . She showed she cared for me , and I grabbed on for dear life as there doesn't seem to be other fish in the ocean for me . So it's easy to sell your soul for a piece of happiness even though the sad & alone moments far outweight the good moments . After awhile you learn to settle for what you can get and not what you want . It hurts to know those are the choices I deal myself with .

 

Emotions are a funny thing , it so easy to fall in Love but so hard to fall out of Love when things get bad . Yes Pride plays into it for sure , but pride doesn't seem to be what the heart feels when it's in pain . I feel pride when things are good in Love , pride for the woman that holds my arm , yes I can feel that , pride for something I did well , yes , but otherwise pride seems to barely come into my day to day life . I've always been of the mindset that be who you are despite anyone's comments to the contraire , so besides my comical side , I have no problems adhering to my own standards in lieu of others . Who's to say their standards are any better or worse than my own ? For if you can't project who you really are , it's hard for people to really know who they are dealing with . Too many of us let the outside world shape who we are in public , we let peoples opinions effect us too much , Pride can be a bit of a hinderance too , too much comes off as self absorbed .

 

I hate being alone , I've spent quite enough of my life doing just that . But if you can't be with yourself and be sorta happy , then you are of little worth to anyone else . I have pride in how I live life , just not alot for what I seem to have gotten in this life so far . Pride has seemingly gotten me nowhere in Love .

[BlockHead]

Arabess

How much of the pain and suffering is actually related to the love itself....and how much is just a result of lost pride?

I think pride takes over when the person seeks to inflict pain or hardship on the former partner.

moimeme

People who fear risk aim their aspirations at that which is out of reach so they don't have to walk their talk. It's much safer to be interested in someone who's not a prospect because then you don't actually have to have a relationship.

Who is more dreamy than a fantasy partner? Some people like to project onto unattainable partners.

Chicane

Emotions are a funny thing , it so easy to fall in Love but so hard to fall out of Love when things get bad.

I disagree. Depending on the circumstances, a person can quickly fall out of ‘love.’

[Arabess]

I was referring more to when a relationship has gotten to the point where the person is making you miserable, they aren't responding, maybe they've cheated, maybe they are married, they maybe have even stated they no longer 'feel the love'...

 

What would be the POSSIBLE reason to continue persuing such a relationship?

 

I think that perhaps this is when PRIDE steps up to the plate.....and the relationship becomes persued for some different emotion than just love.

 

If it isn't pride...it's just stupid. I would rather be considered hard headed than an IDIOT! HAHAHAHA!

[meanon]

I'm not sure it's pride that would keep someone in a bad relationship. I've seen them continue for status, security, children, fear of change, misplaced hope, poor self esteem .... etc.

 

When someone ends a relationship pride sometimes comes into the reaction because it feels like a rejection of you as a person, not just that your love is no longer what they want or need. So as well as the loss of love there's also self doubt that doesn't exist for the other person. I think women seem particularly prone to this damage to self esteem.

[moimeme]

I was referring more to when a relationship has gotten to the point where the person is making you miserable, they aren't responding, maybe they've cheated, maybe they are married, they maybe have even stated they no longer 'feel the love'...

 

What would be the POSSIBLE reason to continue persuing such a relationship?

 

I think that perhaps this is when PRIDE steps up to the plate.....and the relationship becomes persued for some different emotion than just love.

 

If it isn't pride...it's just stupid. I would rather be considered hard headed than an IDIOT! HAHAHAHA!

 

It's not pride. It's hope. You recall how 'it used to be', think/hope that the bad behaviour is temporary or an aberration and not indicative of the future, think you're just going through a 'bad patch' and that you'll hang in there until it's over.

 

There's nothing stupid or shameful about wanting to have a relationship work. It's part of our fragility as humans; it's what makes us human. If we didn't care, if it wasn't important to us to be accepted and cared about by others, we'd become antisocial beings - and that would imperil the species. We're built to need each other and so we have a lot of other auxiliary systems whose functions are to facilitate that. Denial is a beaut. They may not work all that well (we sure could use much better lie-detecting abilities, for instance), but nonetheless, that's what being human is all about.

[BlockHead]

Arabess

What would be the POSSIBLE reason to continue persuing such a relationship?

Laziness.

Some people refuse to do the work required to end a relationship.

Maybe they don’t want to do the work needed to start another relationship.

[brashgal]

I think there is fear in there too, fear that the devil they don't know is worse than the devil they do (or however that goes).

 

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

 

And yes, laziness. Takes less energy to stay where you are. Inertia. Especially if it isn't clear what you should do next.

 

I have seen people stay married because of pride. Being married means everything to them, if they divorce, they have failed. Actually I think I was carrying a little bit of that around for awhile.

 

And lots of hope too - I'm an optimist, always thought tomorrow would be better if I tried a little harder. Unfortunately both parties have to be trying together.