Parents HATE the gf, stuck in the middle and so many other complications....!

[NamNam]

Dear all,

 

I can describe at length and in detail exactly what my problems are. But I'll refrain and get straight to the point.

 

My parents disapprove my relationship with my gf whom I am in love with. They have their reasons which I can totally understand (my gf has a son from a previous marriage, I've never been married myself). However, I have voiced my own opinions taking into account both their legitimate and non-legitimate concerns and still find value in continuing this relationship.

 

But, that is still of little concern to them because in their eyes she's no good for me. I have listened to the constant screaming, crying, pleading, and begging from my parents and have refused to give in.

 

I purposely choose to not give in because upon critical reflection of my own behaviour, I find myself at no fault or wrong doing. And neither is my gf at fault for anything. But our conflicting stances are obviously causing friction to the point there is talk of me being.... wait for it.... disowned!

 

What do I do here or how should I treat this? I know this is a well trodden path and topic, but even upon reading other's threads and posts, I am still left with very little comfort .

 

Both my family and gf mean a lot to me so I find myself in a lose-lose situation.

Edited August 30, 2010 by NamNam

[BlackLovely]

Dear all,

 

I can describe at length and in detail exactly what my problems are. But I'll refrain and get straight to the point.

 

My parents disapprove my relationship with my gf whom I am in love with. They have their reasons which I can totally understand (my gf has a son from a previous marriage, I've never been married myself). However, I have voiced my own opinions taking into account both their legitimate and non-legitimate concerns and still find value in continuing this relationship.

 

But, that is still of little concern to them because in their eyes she's no good for me. I have listened to the constant screaming, crying, pleading, and begging from my parents and have refused to give in.

 

I purposely choose to not give in because upon critical reflection of my own behaviour, I find myself at no fault or wrong doing. And neither is my gf at fault for anything. But our conflicting stances are obviously causing friction to the point there is talk of me being.... wait for it.... disowned!

 

What do I do here or how should I treat this? I know this is a well trodden path and topic, but even upon reading other's threads and posts, I am still left with very little comfort .

 

Both my family and gf mean a lot to me so I find myself in a lose-lose situation.

Do you mind sharing what the reasons are?

[Dooda]

I think your parents are only concerned about your welfare and that you couldnt really blame them for being judgemental to your gf. but what your gf can do is prove to your parents that she is worthy of your love and care. If your parents see this, they will know that their son is in very good hands and that they will also realize that they have misjudged her.

 

I don't think it's up to everyone around the parents to try and prove themselves. I think the parents have to learn to let go and know that their child is going to make mistakes and that they will, in time, get over these mistakes.

I'm not saying he's making a mistake, but in their eyes he is, while in his eyes, he isn't. Either way, it's his life, and he makes his own choices. He shouldn't have to be burdened by his parent's guilt trips along with all the other stresses life brings.

There's a difference between being concerned, and being overbearing and simply over protective... From what the OP has said, it seems that his parents will go to many lengths to make him feel bad about what he's doing, and that's no way for responsible parents to act. Period.

 

 

NamNam, how old are you?

I think it's about time to tell your parents to grow up, but in a much politer manner. Tell them that you're your own man and that you can make your own choices. Ultimately, they will have to accept it.

I feel for you and I understand how it feels to be pressured by your parents for no reason other than "they care for you", which, judging by the way they treat you, doesn't seem very apparent.

Take a stand, and eventually, they will give in. Every time they try to tell you about your GF and how bad she is, just ignore them, and if it gets too bad, then just leave the room. Every time.

 

Good luck to you.

[NamNam]

Do you mind sharing what the reasons are?

 

Hi BlackLovely,

 

I'll group the reasons for their disapproval into categories, cat #1 - legitimate concerns for me, cat #2 - self non-legitimate concerns, and other.

 

Let me say that the legitimate concerns my parents have for me, I do take into consideration, understand, and believe they are very fair as they stem from genuine concerns for me. However, the non-legitimate concerns they have I believe are entirely selfish and very difficult to justify.

 

All of these concerns they have (and myself had already) raised, I have taken into consideration and am still willing to pursue this relationship.

 

 

 

 

Cat #1:

• Financial - raising someone's elses kid will cost money. They don't want to see me spending my hard earned money on somebody's child as opposed to treating myself to finer things that I don't currently enjoy and probably wouldn't be able to enjoy because of this child.
  
• Psychological - how I'll feel about this child being not bilogically mine. Will I favour this child over my own biological children or vice versa? And as a result, will I treat my kids differently to each other and therefore cause resentment towards me and themselves because of these potential thoughts and actions?
  
• Psychological - the short and long term relationship between the child and myself. I may be the best father as I can be but will ever the child respect and recognise my contributions? Will he ever turn around in disapproval and lash out at me with comments such as "You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do!" when things don't go his way?
  
• My mental state - am I in a fantasy land at the moment and the 'love' between myself and gf is an illusion? In other words, am I in a honeymoon phase where I feel I am so happy that I failing to see the reality that is front of me and in the future for me?
  

Cat #2:

• Old values and ignorant beliefs - we're of Asian heritage living in western world. Traditionally and culturally, single mothers are looked down upon.
  
• Community - because our family tends to associate and befriend similar people of ethnicity and culture, they are concerned about what the community will think. This point and the point above, they feel will lead to 'disgrace' to the family.
  
• It is not my child. That's it, it's not mine, so I shouldn't be concerned with him.
  

Other:

• Insecurtiy - this relates more so to my mother than my father. My mother has always been a committed and devoted mother first, wife second, and herself as the least priority. That's what she has always known and always have been. So seeing her children grow up and moving on with new people in their lives, she senses a feeling of abandonment.
  

I don't think it's up to everyone around the parents to try and prove themselves. I think the parents have to learn to let go and know that their child is going to make mistakes and that they will, in time, get over these mistakes.

I'm not saying he's making a mistake, but in their eyes he is, while in his eyes, he isn't. Either way, it's his life, and he makes his own choices. He shouldn't have to be burdened by his parent's guilt trips along with all the other stresses life brings.

There's a difference between being concerned, and being overbearing and simply over protective... From what the OP has said, it seems that his parents will go to many lengths to make him feel bad about what he's doing, and that's no way for responsible parents to act. Period.

 

 

NamNam, how old are you?

I think it's about time to tell your parents to grow up, but in a much politer manner. Tell them that you're your own man and that you can make your own choices. Ultimately, they will have to accept it.

I feel for you and I understand how it feels to be pressured by your parents for no reason other than "they care for you", which, judging by the way they treat you, doesn't seem very apparent.

Take a stand, and eventually, they will give in. Every time they try to tell you about your GF and how bad she is, just ignore them, and if it gets too bad, then just leave the room. Every time.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Hello Dooda,

 

Your advice is very good in principle and in practice. I have tried this approach as arguing back and forth does not achive anything. I have been as caring, understanding, and patient towards my parents as possible but to little reward. Unfortunately, my parents are very strong willed and determined in not relenting their beliefs as I am in continuing this relationship.

 

I am 27 now, and as result of these past few weeks and months, I am deciding to move out. I have yet to leave the family home because I'm still a student and it's more economically sensible (I can save $$$). However, it is too much atm living under the same roof together and the advantages of living at home aren't worth it anymore. My parents are wrecked, so am I, and unfortunately so are my sisters. Home is not a home anymore and sadly there are serious rifts within the family that don't look like getting any better...

Edited September 2, 2010 by NamNam

[D-Lish]

All of the concerns you've listed derive from your parents constructions, not yours. You've already decided that you love this girl- but you're actually making lists like this, breaking them down into categories???

 

So what, she has a child from a previous relationship, she's a single mom- guess what? She's survived that difficulty, and she'll survive you too if you choose to leave her because your mommy and daddy don't approve. She has to be tough to have gone though what she has, and your parents disapproval probably won't break her.

 

I can't understand how a parent could prefer that their child get involved with someone that meets their cultural criteria without regard for how happy their child is with a person.

 

Get on board with your own independance! How ridiculous is it that you are making categories like this to measure your relationship when you are already present and happy in what you have?

 

Just the fact that you admit that you love the woman- but you are making lists because your mother doesn't approve says a whole lot...

 

Don't be that guy...

[BlackLovely]

All of the concerns you've listed derive from your parents constructions, not yours. You've already decided that you love this girl- but you're actually making lists like this, breaking them down into categories???

 

So what, she has a child from a previous relationship, she's a single mom- guess what? She's survived that difficulty, and she'll survive you too if you choose to leave her because your mommy and daddy don't approve. She has to be tough to have gone though what she has, and your parents disapproval probably won't break her.

 

I can't understand how a parent could prefer that their child get involved with someone that meets their cultural criteria without regard for how happy their child is with a person.

 

Get on board with your own independance! How ridiculous is it that you are making categories like this to measure your relationship when you are already present and happy in what you have?

 

Just the fact that you admit that you love the woman- but you are making lists because your mother doesn't approve says a whole lot...

 

Don't be that guy...

It's much easier to do as you please, when you are not living with traditional and nosy parents. I left home for the same reason. I wasn't going to do more housework than everyone and still have a curfew. I also had no intention of staying home until I married, like a good little girl.

Your post makes sense, but the OP has to get out of the house to live his own life.

[D-Lish]

It's much easier to do as you please, when you are not living with traditional and nosy parents. I left home for the same reason. I wasn't going to do more housework than everyone and still have a curfew. I also had no intention of staying home until I married, like a good little girl.

Your post makes sense, but the OP has to get out of the house to live his own life.

 

He needs to do way more than that.

He needs to stand up for himself and his gf- the girl he claims to love.

 

Imagine if you were "the gf" he is speaking of?

 

He's 27- and he is considering leaving the woman he loves like crazy because his parents don't approve.

 

HE approves, HE's happy- what's the problem?

[NamNam]

All of the concerns you've listed derive from your parents constructions, not yours. You've already decided that you love this girl- but you're actually making lists like this, breaking them down into categories???

 

So what, she has a child from a previous relationship, she's a single mom- guess what? She's survived that difficulty, and she'll survive you too if you choose to leave her because your mommy and daddy don't approve. She has to be tough to have gone though what she has, and your parents disapproval probably won't break her.

 

I can't understand how a parent could prefer that their child get involved with someone that meets their cultural criteria without regard for how happy their child is with a person.

 

Get on board with your own independance! How ridiculous is it that you are making categories like this to measure your relationship when you are already present and happy in what you have?

 

Just the fact that you admit that you love the woman- but you are making lists because your mother doesn't approve says a whole lot...

 

Don't be that guy...

 

 

Hi D-Lish,

 

I purposely made that list so I could illustrate my parents reasons to BlackLovely in a coherent manner that I believe is fair to my parents (in light that they can not defend themselves online).

 

It's also another way that I can understand my parent's point of view. It allows me to understand that these negative views and perceptions are generated by them and not something that is inherently wrong with me. In other words, it allows me to sleep easier and be comfortable with my own actions because I know I am not doing anything wrong. Furthermore, after truly understanding my parents, it can assist me in helping them to feel more at ease if possible.

 

I'm not too sure how I protrayed myself in your eyes but I'll like to state that I am not 'having to admit' that I love my gf. I have looked back on my previous post and no where did I write anything to suggest that I am 'having to admit' anything. I am proud of the love my gf and I share and have expressed it many times to my parents.

 

The only downer I have is my parent's disharmony with my relationship. That's why I created this thread to seek advice on how to handle a problem that is between myself and my parents.

[NamNam]

He needs to do way more than that.

He needs to stand up for himself and his gf- the girl he claims to love.

 

Imagine if you were "the gf" he is speaking of?

 

He's 27- and he is considering leaving the woman he loves like crazy because his parents don't approve.

 

HE approves, HE's happy- what's the problem?

 

Please read my post above.

 

Again I re-iterate, I have no problem towards my gf.

 

The problem is the one I have at home which is now a place I am considering.

 

And FYI, my gf is deeply upset because she sees me unhappy due to the disrupted nature in my family home. With respect to our relationship, through dialogue between myself and her, she is very confident and comfortable with me. She recognises that is not a problem between myself and her but one between myself and my parents.

[NamNam]

It's much easier to do as you please, when you are not living with traditional and nosy parents. I left home for the same reason. I wasn't going to do more housework than everyone and still have a curfew. I also had no intention of staying home until I married, like a good little girl.

Your post makes sense, but the OP has to get out of the house to live his own life.

 

This is something I agree entirely on hence why I am looking into a place for myself.

[NamNam]

He needs to do way more than that.

He needs to stand up for himself and his gf- the girl he claims to love.

 

Imagine if you were "the gf" he is speaking of?

 

He's 27- and he is considering leaving the woman he loves like crazy because his parents don't approve.

 

HE approves, HE's happy- what's the problem?

 

Excuse me if I come across rude, but when and where did I ever say that??

 

I appreciate you providing your input but I rather prefer if you had actually read my posts correctly. I seriously think you are missing the point as to why I started this thread.

[D-Lish]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I purposely made that list so I could illustrate my parents reasons to BlackLovely in a coherent manner that I believe is fair to my parents (in light that they can not defend themselves online).

 

 

I'm not too sure how I protrayed myself in your eyes but I'll like to state that I am not 'having to admit' that I love my gf. I have looked back on my previous post and no where did I write anything to suggest that I am 'having to admit' anything. I am proud of the love my gf and I share and have expressed it many times to my parents.

 

The only downer I have is my parent's disharmony with my relationship. That's why I created this thread to seek advice on how to handle a problem that is between myself and my parents.

 

It boggles my mind that you are 27 years old and you have to make a list that seems "fair to your parents". It shouldn't be any of their business in the first place at your age. Why aren't you facing your relationship with regard to what is fair to YOU and what makes YOU happy? At 27 years old, you should be making steps towards your independance- not appeasing your parents at every step of the way.

 

In answer to your second paragrah- I agree with you that this isn't about admitting your love- IT'S ABOUT JUSTIFYING IT. You're not done working that out obviously if you feel the need to make pro's and con's lists. You know what that means? 1) Your gf isn't getting what she deserves. 2) You don't love her enough.

 

I'm sorry if my advice seems overly harsh, but I don't get you.

You can wave culture in my face all you want- but you live in NA now. It's totally cool with the majority to date single mom's.

 

You want advice? Stand up for yourself. Stop making lists. Stop letting the girl you love feel like she's a choice you are weighing in on while you consult your parents...

[BlackLovely]

It boggles my mind that you are 27 years old and you have to make a list that seems "fair to your parents". It shouldn't be any of their business in the first place at your age. Why aren't you facing your relationship with regard to what is fair to YOU and what makes YOU happy? At 27 years old, you should be making steps towards your independance- not appeasing your parents at every step of the way.

 

In answer to your second paragrah- I agree with you that this isn't about admitting your love- IT'S ABOUT JUSTIFYING IT. You're not done working that out obviously if you feel the need to make pro's and con's lists. You know what that means? 1) Your gf isn't getting what she deserves. 2) You don't love her enough.

 

I'm sorry if my advice seems overly harsh, but I don't get you.

You can wave culture in my face all you want- but you live in NA now. It's totally cool with the majority to date single mom's.

 

You want advice? Stand up for yourself. Stop making lists. Stop letting the girl you love feel like she's a choice you are weighing in on while you consult your parents...

While I understand and to some extent, agree with D-Lish, old fashioned immigrant parents never forget their culture. Even if it is largely outdated and not in keeping with North American values, most immigrant parents are not open to modifying their beliefs.

Adult children have the choice to adhere to the cultural mores or blaze their own trail, at the risk of familial disapproval. I chose the so called "rebellious" path, but maybe Nam Nam is too much his parent's son to defy them. Cultural conditioning can be very powerful.

That said, I can understand the OP's parents concerns. A lot of non parents have a rosy view of being a stepparent or the demands of dating someone with kids. It is often more responsibility than people are prepared for.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree with D-Lish here.

You're not getting it.

You shouldn't even be considering their reasons. They come under the single-word banner of "prejudiced".

They're biased towards values of their own making, and of their own generation.

 

And you're nearly 30.

I think you've been on the planet long enough to be able to make your own evaluations about matters without constantly having to figure whether this will go against their grain. if you were 17, we certainly might advise you differently.

But the bottom line is this is your life, and it cannot be led through your parents.

 

And I also agree with D-Lish on the culture bit.

if you're living with them in a new world where old culture is a misfit - you have to adapt and evolve.

or crumble.

 

You can bring nationality over, but you can't bring culture.

[D-Lish]

Excuse me if I come across rude, but when and where did I ever say that??

 

I appreciate you providing your input but I rather prefer if you had actually read my posts correctly. I seriously think you are missing the point as to why I started this thread.

 

I know I didn't misread anything, I am responding to what you posted.

 

You're not coming across as rude by defending yourself- but you made the post questioning what you should do. Just the fact that you have broken down your pros and cons for continuing the relationship based on what your parents think is very telling. That's all I am pointing out.

 

If you love this girl, and she's a good gf- why, at the age of 27, is this a huge issue? It shouldn't be. If you love her, you make her a priority- not an option according to what your parents believe.

 

If I am missing the point of your post- enlighten me, because all I see is a 27 year old guy that can't stand up to his parents.

 

I completely agree with D-Lish here.

You're not getting it.

You shouldn't even be considering their reasons. They come under the single-word banner of "prejudiced".

They're biased towards values of their own making, and of their own generation.

 

And you're nearly 30.

I think you've been on the planet long enough to be able to make your own evaluations about matters without constantly having to figure whether this will go against their grain. if you were 17, we certainly might advise you differently.

But the bottom line is this is your life, and it cannot be led through your parents.

 

And I also agree with D-Lish on the culture bit.

if you're living with them in a new world where old culture is a misfit - you have to adapt and evolve.

or crumble.

 

You can bring nationality over, but you can't bring culture.

 

Yes, what TM has said- as usual- she's incredibly insightful- especially about the culture bit.

[wierdmunky]

As far as the advice people have given me on this subject, there really are no special techniques to make the SO, and the mom harmonious. I'm of Filipino heritage, and my parents always say that they were taught to respect their elders no matter what. I didn't really see them convey this same message to my grandparents though. They seemed to treat them the same way they treat me, always thinking they are right with a list of I told you so's, and will say anything to guilt you into what they think is right. Which is basically what they say. The only thing I can think of is to move out. As much as it hurts to let it all go, if they really do care they will come back around. In the mean time you have yourself, your gf, and some peace. The further away they are, the less influential they'll be, and the focus will shift. Coming from the same situation, I feel you. It's huge loss to have your family just cut you out after all the drama and you trying to still make peace. Are you a 1st or 2nd gernation?? There's a big emphasis on respect in the Asian community, I'm just wondering when we the younger generations will get any : /

[Dooda]

Some of you don't understand to what extent old fashioned immigrant parents go to make you feel bad about the decisions you will make in life simply because they disagree about it.

I can relate to you 100%,weirdmunkey, on how your parents think, and how they make you feel wrong simply because they disagree about something. They make it feel like the whole world is against you and only you think the way you do.

 

It's hard to just step out and say, I was mentally abused for so long.

It's conditioned in your brain, just the same way as D-Lish's very free-spirited way of thinking is conditioned into her and how she so firmly believes in it.

I think we have to stop being hard on the OP, because I know, personally, after 19 years of abuse, how hard it is to sometimes step back and truly understand how deluded and misunderstanding your parents truly are.

 

It's the same way with my parents, they'll say : "you have to respect your elders at all costs," but all I see her doing is ragging on her mother-in-law non stop about how bad of a woman she is, when, really, she's a very sweet person, to me, at least.

 

I'm sorry, there's a limit to where this : "respect your elders" bull**** taboo comes into play. If your parents are playing with you emotionally and making you question yourself and your decision in dealing with the girl you are madly in love with, then it's time to say goodbye.

 

Only this year my parents gave me the freedom to do what I want, and to go to whatever University I want to, and that is only because I took a stand. You need to take a stand. I realized there is no point in bickering with them, they will always think they're right. I realised it's so much easier on myself to just ignore it... they won't change, but, hey, you'd have spared yourself the drama and the emotions.

It's good that you're moving out. That's the perfect thing to do, to let them know you will not take it anymore, and that you won't be affected. Now, you simply won't have to face what they are telling you. Also, if they try and tell you : you're ignoring the truth, you're running away from us, that's bull****. That's just another way to lure you in.

 

I don't think these type of old-fashioned parents realise how much anguish they make their kids feel.

 

One last point I'd like to make. You said that you would be damaged psychologically:

"Psychological - the short and long term relationship between the child and myself. I may be the best father as I can be but will ever the child respect and recognise my contributions? Will he ever turn around in disapproval and lash out at me with comments such as "You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do!" when things don't go his way?"

Only kids that have been abused, or improperly treated (either spoiled or abused) will say things like that. Those are their own fears and their own preconceptions, which is, also in part, why they treat you this way. These old fashioned parents have a fear that their children won't love and respect them, because THEY THEMSELVES didn't love and respect their parents who were just as overbearing as THEY HAVE BECOME.

 

Do not give in to that cycle.

It's time to step out, tell yourself what kind of a man you want to be, and move on to paving that path.

Good luck to you.

Edited September 2, 2010 by Dooda

[Dooda]

Sorry, I meant Namnam when I said weirdmunky.

[NamNam]

It boggles my mind that you are 27 years old and you have to make a list that seems "fair to your parents". It shouldn't be any of their business in the first place at your age. Why aren't you facing your relationship with regard to what is fair to YOU and what makes YOU happy? At 27 years old, you should be making steps towards your independance- not appeasing your parents at every step of the way.

 

In answer to your second paragrah- I agree with you that this isn't about admitting your love- IT'S ABOUT JUSTIFYING IT. You're not done working that out obviously if you feel the need to make pro's and con's lists. You know what that means? 1) Your gf isn't getting what she deserves. 2) You don't love her enough.

 

I'm sorry if my advice seems overly harsh, but I don't get you.

You can wave culture in my face all you want- but you live in NA now. It's totally cool with the majority to date single mom's.

 

You want advice? Stand up for yourself. Stop making lists. Stop letting the girl you love feel like she's a choice you are weighing in on while you consult your parents...

 

I don't think your advice is harsh at all. I think it is fair BUT your advice is the wrong one because you are entirely missing the point. I am interested in how can I rectify or help repair this relationship with my parents. I am not questioning my love for my gf or her herself. Nor am I seeking justification in why I should be with my gf, I have my reasons and they're more than good enough for me.

 

I do thank you and appreciate for contributing but I believe you are missing the point. However, I'm not interested in being drawn into an argument with you. You said so yourself that you don't get me to which I agree, you don't understand me.

 

By trying to explain to you how my parents think is to illustrate the kind of relationship my parents have with me. One which is both loving and caring but also prone to arguments and heartache due to their narrow minded views, culture, and etc. This has nothing to do with my gf, I have stressed many times that I do not love her any less or our love is compromised at all. This is merely a discussion about how best to handle my parents and not my gf.

 

Whether you're interested in actually listening to what I say and try to understand me then I am more than happy to converse with you. But if you continue to miss the point then there's very little value in what you say to me, because simply you just don't get it.

 

I completely agree with D-Lish here.

You're not getting it.

You shouldn't even be considering their reasons. They come under the single-word banner of "prejudiced".

They're biased towards values of their own making, and of their own generation.

 

And you're nearly 30.

I think you've been on the planet long enough to be able to make your own evaluations about matters without constantly having to figure whether this will go against their grain. if you were 17, we certainly might advise you differently.

But the bottom line is this is your life, and it cannot be led through your parents.

 

And I also agree with D-Lish on the culture bit.

if you're living with them in a new world where old culture is a misfit - you have to adapt and evolve.

or crumble.

 

You can bring nationality over, but you can't bring culture.

 

I understand what you are saying and agree with you on entirely. It is my life and not theirs, but in saying that if I can lead a peaceful life for myself and my loved ones then I will try. If that can't occur, then at least I know that I had tried my best. Hence that's why I created this thread. Is it so bad in wanting my loved ones to be happy?

 

I'm very aware that my parent's views can't potentially not change. As you said if they do not adapt to my decisions, then they will crumble. But I know I can not let that affect me therefore I am making the decision to move out on be on my own.

 

With regards to D-Lish and her comments, I think she is too overly concerned about her perception of me as an inadequate partner to my gf. I did not start this thread about my gf but rather about my parents. I don't know how much more I can emphasise this.

[NamNam]

As far as the advice people have given me on this subject, there really are no special techniques to make the SO, and the mom harmonious. I'm of Filipino heritage, and my parents always say that they were taught to respect their elders no matter what. I didn't really see them convey this same message to my grandparents though. They seemed to treat them the same way they treat me, always thinking they are right with a list of I told you so's, and will say anything to guilt you into what they think is right. Which is basically what they say. The only thing I can think of is to move out. As much as it hurts to let it all go, if they really do care they will come back around. In the mean time you have yourself, your gf, and some peace. The further away they are, the less influential they'll be, and the focus will shift. Coming from the same situation, I feel you. It's huge loss to have your family just cut you out after all the drama and you trying to still make peace. Are you a 1st or 2nd gernation?? There's a big emphasis on respect in the Asian community, I'm just wondering when we the younger generations will get any : /

 

I'm a first generation migrant and not only that I'm the eldest son so there's a lot of pressure on me lol. As much as it pains me to see them upset, I know it is not an ideal environment to continue living in.

 

My family is divided and it looks like it won't get any better. Until they start relenting and learn to accept my decisions, then I see no other choice but to remove myself from that environment.

 

 

Some of you don't understand to what extent old fashioned immigrant parents go to make you feel bad about the decisions you will make in life simply because they disagree about it.

I can relate to you 100%,weirdmunkey, on how your parents think, and how they make you feel wrong simply because they disagree about something. They make it feel like the whole world is against you and only you think the way you do.

 

It's hard to just step out and say, I was mentally abused for so long.

It's conditioned in your brain, just the same way as D-Lish's very free-spirited way of thinking is conditioned into her and how she so firmly believes in it.

I think we have to stop being hard on the OP, because I know, personally, after 19 years of abuse, how hard it is to sometimes step back and truly understand how deluded and misunderstanding your parents truly are.

 

It's the same way with my parents, they'll say : "you have to respect your elders at all costs," but all I see her doing is ragging on her mother-in-law non stop about how bad of a woman she is, when, really, she's a very sweet person, to me, at least.

 

I'm sorry, there's a limit to where this : "respect your elders" bull**** taboo comes into play. If your parents are playing with you emotionally and making you question yourself and your decision in dealing with the girl you are madly in love with, then it's time to say goodbye.

 

Only this year my parents gave me the freedom to do what I want, and to go to whatever University I want to, and that is only because I took a stand. You need to take a stand. I realized there is no point in bickering with them, they will always think they're right. I realised it's so much easier on myself to just ignore it... they won't change, but, hey, you'd have spared yourself the drama and the emotions.

It's good that you're moving out. That's the perfect thing to do, to let them know you will not take it anymore, and that you won't be affected. Now, you simply won't have to face what they are telling you. Also, if they try and tell you : you're ignoring the truth, you're running away from us, that's bull****. That's just another way to lure you in.

 

I don't think these type of old-fashioned parents realise how much anguish they make their kids feel.

 

One last point I'd like to make. You said that you would be damaged psychologically:

"Psychological - the short and long term relationship between the child and myself. I may be the best father as I can be but will ever the child respect and recognise my contributions? Will he ever turn around in disapproval and lash out at me with comments such as "You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do!" when things don't go his way?"

Only kids that have been abused, or improperly treated (either spoiled or abused) will say things like that. Those are their own fears and their own preconceptions, which is, also in part, why they treat you this way. These old fashioned parents have a fear that their children won't love and respect them, because THEY THEMSELVES didn't love and respect their parents who were just as overbearing as THEY HAVE BECOME.

 

Do not give in to that cycle.

It's time to step out, tell yourself what kind of a man you want to be, and move on to paving that path.

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you Dooda, you are right. It is difficult to step out of my parents shadows because of the immense respect that I have for them. I don't think I have said this here, but I do love them very much. Their sacrifices and committment to their family is something I am very proud of. We came from very humble beginnings with next to no money but only hopes and dreams. An although we are not insanely rich, we have so much because of their work and efforts.

 

But in saying that, I understand that I have to live my own life too. That is why I am still continuing to be with my gf despite my parent's influence. And also that is why I am looking to move out because the current situation is not tenable.

 

Again you're correct about the anguish that they have caused me. It is the same love and respect I have for them that they are taking advantage of. But you know it's okay, I am not angry. I just want to live my life happpily and peacefully as I can, and if I can create that atmosphere for everybody else close to me (and strangers too) then I will try. Is that soooo bad ?????

 

With respect to your last point, I do agree on how her son will react to me is influenced by my behaviour towards him. I understand a lot of the concerns my parents have raised but this concern and many others are issues that I am ready to undertake. The cycle can be broken, only if I want it to. And I do .

[Allisha]

Okay. I'll try now.

I totally agree with D-Lish with most of her comments...apart from the stuff about the lists.

 

But anyway. I want you to read this carefully and think long and hard about what I'm saying to you. SERIOUSLY.

 

You're 27. An adult by law.

Your parents are controlling and emotionally blackmailing you by implying they're going to disown you if you don't do what THEY want. They are trying to force you to be unhappy because ofwhat they believe. Are you not an individual? Don't you have a right to make your own decisions? YES, YOU DO. Your parents are selfish. End of story. Don't give me culture excuses.

Were your grandparents the same with your parents? If so, when does the cycle of forcing belief on others, controlling and emotional blackmail stop?

 

You can end the cycle by making a stand. If your parents love you, they won't disown you. If you love this girl, and truly see a happy future with her, then you should be allowed to explore that.

 

The only bad situation regarding this kid is, if you grow attached to him/her, and this relationship ends in a bitter way, you're going to be super hurt if his mother is a b**** and denies access.

[NamNam]

Okay. I'll try now.

I totally agree with D-Lish with most of her comments...apart from the stuff about the lists.

 

But anyway. I want you to read this carefully and think long and hard about what I'm saying to you. SERIOUSLY.

 

You're 27. An adult by law.

Your parents are controlling and emotionally blackmailing you by implying they're going to disown you if you don't do what THEY want. They are trying to force you to be unhappy because ofwhat they believe. Are you not an individual? Don't you have a right to make your own decisions? YES, YOU DO. Your parents are selfish. End of story. Don't give me culture excuses.

Were your grandparents the same with your parents? If so, when does the cycle of forcing belief on others, controlling and emotional blackmail stop?

 

You can end the cycle by making a stand. If your parents love you, they won't disown you. If you love this girl, and truly see a happy future with her, then you should be allowed to explore that.

 

The only bad situation regarding this kid is, if you grow attached to him/her, and this relationship ends in a bitter way, you're going to be super hurt if his mother is a b**** and denies access.

 

Thanks Allisha, I understand your point. It is something I am doing now, breaking that cycle of expectation and demands.

 

It's ironic, the biggest fear I have for this relationship is the one with her son.

 

We both love and have grown strong attachments to each other. He's at an age where he loves the idea of a father figure (his biological father is a deadbeat) being around since he never really had one.

 

My relationship with my gf is a relatively young one, 6 months, so nothing is guaranteed atm. But I would be devastated if this relationship didn't last more so than other ones I previously had because of the effect it will have on her son and myself.