I love her... she loves him... he's out of it...

[TRaczaj]

I'm putting this in this forum because the problem centers around a very long term, life partnership type of relationship, even if it's not mine. I hope this is ok...

 

So, the backstory (I'll keep it as brief as possible.) My best friend and I have lived together for 11 years. For the record, we are both guys... And in early 2005, he started seeing this girl. Her and I worked together a long time ago and when we worked together I had a crush on her, but nothing ever materialized from it.

 

A year into their relationship she moved in here with us... and, long story short, over the years I've fallen pretty hard for her.

 

There are other threads here about this situation that go into a lot more detail then this. But this is all the valid info... Also, there has been some intimacy between her and I, on two separate occasions. He was there both times... I think a part of him get's off on seeing her with another guy, because both times he was not only there, but encouraging it.

 

So anyway... now the background is done, and we are at the meat of this thread.

 

My friend has had on and off bouts with mental illness over the years. Mostly depression and anxiety. He has panic attacks and goes through phases of being really depressed. And lately he's been feeling really off. Something happened two weeks ago that was just too much for him to handle, and he flipped out a little. I say "a little." because he didn't try to hurt anyone or anything like that. But I know everyone was concerned he might try to hurt himself. And now, he's in the hospital.

 

She is devastated, as expected. And she's exhausted... With his situation, he's probably going to lose his job. And so she is working all this overtime to keep up with their share of the bills and all that. And then she goes to see him in the hospital whenever she can. She's having a really hard time sleeping...

 

And here I am, doing all I can for her without crossing any lines. I try to keep her laughing. I leave her alone when I can tell she wants to be left alone.

 

Last night though... was very surreal. Two months ago she paid out the ass for Rush tickets. She's a huge, huge fan of them. The show was last night. And, with everything that happened with him, she wasn't even going to go. She talked about putting the tickets up on ebay even. She said she just couldn't see going and having a good time while he's in the hospital and all.

 

But then he convinced her to go. He said she shouldn't just sit at home and worry about him. He insists he'll be fine and he'll be home soon. So she told him she would go without him because that's what he wanted. And then she couldn't find anyone to go with... So I went with her.

 

I was so conflicted about everything last night. On one end of the spectrum, I was happy to be there, and even happier to be there with her. On the other end I was worried about my friend and I felt like it was terrible of me to even go with her. Then at the beginning of the 2112 Overture she got really excited and grabbed my arm. It was only for a second or two, but I was so turned on by that. I honestly just wanted to turn around and kiss her. I didn't though...

 

Then on the way home she fell asleep... I know she's been really tired, so I did everything I could to not wake her up. I turned the radio way down and everything. She was leaning back with her face tilted toward me... and I just kept looking over at her. The angle and the way the light was hitting her face... it was making me melt. I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and hit the breaks, and tell her that I love her and that she deserves better then that mental case she's with, and that her and I could have a drama free life together because I'm mentally stable. But am I really? My best friend is in the hospital and here I am feeling this way about his girlfriend.

 

I pulled into a gas station and hit a small bump... That woke her up. She woke up laughing hysterically. This has happened before. I've seen her get startled awake before and just laugh her ass off. I asked if she was alright and she told me she was having a really weird dream, and that I was there.

 

SO... to everyone who read through my little narrative... where exactly is the line here? What do I do? I am not even going to try to make a move on her. I'm not completely evil. Part of me feels like it's wrong to even be in the same house with her. But what am I supposed to do? Kick her out?

 

I just don't really know how to handle this wide range of feelings... and I'm conflicted all the time about everything surrounding this.

 

Even if there is no advice. I guess I also just want someone to listen.

[witabix]

He is a friend of yours, and she is his girlfriend, you've already said you won't do anything.

 

You seem to know you shouldn't make a move. Try to remember if he is your friend his relationship with his girlfriend should also get your respect.

 

Be a supportive friend and help your friends through this difficult patch, if you feel your emotions are getting the better of you then back off and let them cool down.

 

You didn't ask any specific questions I know, just my thoughts.

[TRaczaj]

Well, I asked where the line was... That's a specific question. I'm not good at writing these posts.

 

Thank you for replying.

[TRaczaj]

He is a friend of yours, and she is his girlfriend, you've already said you won't do anything.

 

You seem to know you shouldn't make a move. Try to remember if he is your friend his relationship with his girlfriend should also get your respect.

 

Be a supportive friend and help your friends through this difficult patch, if you feel your emotions are getting the better of you then back off and let them cool down.

 

You didn't ask any specific questions I know, just my thoughts.

 

I was going to reply more in depth to this earlier, but I had to take a shower...

 

I know she's in a really vulnerable state right now also, and that makes me feel even worse.

 

Last night I know she would have rather been there with him, even though she was having a good time with me and everything. Like when I had the urge to kiss her. If I would have, I would almost bet money she would have kissed back. But only because of her state of mind... I'm familiar to her, I've kissed her before... and with everything else going on, she probably would have let me, just to bring herself some comfort and some temporary escape.

 

She's in for such a long hard ride with him if she stays. He's attempted suicide before, he's had hallucinations, and he's had really violent thoughts in the passed about hurting her and stuff. He's never acted on them, but what if he ever does?

 

Thankfully though, he's getting help.

[witabix]

I was just trying to reinforce your thoughts about the fact that they are your friends.

 

Where to draw the line? That falls into two categories maybe.

 

The first one is respecting their relationship.

 

The second one is respecting yourself.

 

You may indeed be able to make a move on her that would be reciprocated. Given that you are aware she is in an emotionally weak position how would this make you feel about yourself?

 

What good can come out of it? He may be a bag of problems, but that is her choice.

 

I would in no way tell what to do. I would hope, for your own self image, that you would show some constraint. IMO nothing good can come from this situation for you.

[finding_serenity]

move on with your life.there are so many fishes in the ocean.

[TRaczaj]

I was just trying to reinforce your thoughts about the fact that they are your friends.

 

Where to draw the line? That falls into two categories maybe.

 

The first one is respecting their relationship.

 

The second one is respecting yourself.

 

You may indeed be able to make a move on her that would be reciprocated. Given that you are aware she is in an emotionally weak position how would this make you feel about yourself?

 

What good can come out of it? He may be a bag of problems, but that is her choice.

 

I would in no way tell what to do. I would hope, for your own self image, that you would show some constraint. IMO nothing good can come from this situation for you.

 

 

Oh I know what you were doing... I was correcting myself more then anything. Since usually in these posts my questions get lost in the writing.

 

I think I've respected there relationship... But I wonder if spending time with her like I do is, in a way, disrespectful to myself. It's like if a starving man decided he was going to carry a loaf of bread across town to his friend's house... but he knows he can't take a bite. That's how I feel.

 

How would I feel about myself if anything happened between us? Awful... I would never forgive myself.

[TRaczaj]

move on with your life.there are so many fishes in the ocean.

 

Yes, there are...

 

Every day I kick myself for not having the courage to pursue her ten years ago when we worked together.

 

Believe me, I wish I could just erase my feelings for her and move on... But I can't.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know you love her and you want to be there for her, but it sounds very unhealthy boundary - wise for you to be living with this couple. Even the "intimacy" that you intimated (haha) was probably really unwise even though he was "into" it, given the mental illness, the complications, your love, etc.

 

If you get your own place, their relationship can play out however it will. Maybe there will be a chance in the future for you to be with her. I don't think that this situation, though, can lead to a "drama free" life for the two of you. You are a major player in the drama yourself.

[TRaczaj]

I know you love her and you want to be there for her, but it sounds very unhealthy boundary - wise for you to be living with this couple. Even the "intimacy" that you intimated (haha) was probably really unwise even though he was "into" it, given the mental illness, the complications, your love, etc.

 

If you get your own place, their relationship can play out however it will. Maybe there will be a chance in the future for you to be with her. I don't think that this situation, though, can lead to a "drama free" life for the two of you. You are a major player in the drama yourself.

 

I know I am... It's hard to explain my thought pattern at the time. I was thinking drama free because he's mentally ill and I'm not. I know that doesn't mean anything though. Since there are plenty of mentally healthy people with drama in their lives.

 

I don't know if their relationship will even survive this...

 

About two months ago she packed up and left, and was gone for two weeks... because he went off on her and called her every name in the book. I posted about it here...

 

It's like he's pounding in more and more coffin nails...

 

I know if I was with her, that wouldn't be a problem. Drama doesn't have a way of finding me like it does other people. That's all I meant by that comment.

[Iconoclast]

Oh boy. Not while he's in the hospital.

 

Maintain. Ten years from now you can look back and be proud of yourself for making the right decision when your character was tested. Some things are more important than love...your self respect.

[TRaczaj]

Oh boy. Not while he's in the hospital.

 

Maintain. Ten years from now you can look back and be proud of yourself for making the right decision when your character was tested. Some things are more important than love...your self respect.

 

Oh believe me... I know.

 

But I'm also human.

 

One thing that makes this easier on me, when she's at home, she's usually asleep, or trying to sleep. With the exception of last night, her and I haven't spent any time together since he's been in the hospital.

[Iconoclast]

But I'm also human.

 

So f**ing what. So am I and i've never cheated, and millions more. Don't make excuses for something you haven't done yet. It looks like intent.

[TRaczaj]

So f**ing what. So am I and i've never cheated, and millions more. Don't make excuses for something you haven't done yet. It looks like intent.

 

I wasn't trying to make any excuses.

 

There are some intense emotion's being felt on all sides here... I am afraid sometimes my emotions will get the better of me, because I'm human and I make mistakes.

 

This is so hard to explain... I don't mean I'll use that as a reason to do anything. But that is a valid reason, in my opinion, to question myself.

[TRaczaj]

I think she is to the point now where she's starting to question the long run. They've been together 5 years and he has just gotten worse and worse the whole time.

 

If she stays, is she really being fair to herself? But I think she feels obligated to stay with him, fair or not.

 

One thing I know about her... she's never really been fair to herself... And I think that's because no one has ever really been fair to her either. She's an abuse survivor. And aside from her abusive ex, she was also abused by her family. Her life has been so much about pain that I think she's just used to it by now.

[TRaczaj]

The last few days I've been off work... I won't go into the details of why... but my whole department has been off, it's a long story.

 

What a time for this to happen... since oddly enough, my time at work has always been pretty stress free.

 

She's been sleeping on the couch the last few nights. When I come out here in the morning and she's laying on the couch asleep it's hard not to stare at her.

 

My friend is doing a little better... They want to put him on meds, and he's fighting it tooth and nail.

[witabix]

Fight those feelings. You know you will regret it.

[finding_serenity]

stay away from troubles.cant u see the red flags? the thing is shes something u want that u couldnt get cause of the circumstances.if u really want her, go, but be ready for the consequences of ur action.if things go right, good for u, if not... oh well...

[TRaczaj]

Fight those feelings. You know you will regret it.

 

I really am trying too... believe it or not. The other night I got home later than usual, and when I came home she was on the couch watching TV. It was really obvious she was tired and warn out and depressed. I just could tell by looking at her. I really wanted to just sit next to her and cuddle with her. I'm sure she could have used the comfort... But I didn't.

 

I talked to her though. I asked her how he was doing... she told me. She said she's afraid he will completely shut down...

 

stay away from troubles.cant u see the red flags? the thing is shes something u want that u couldnt get cause of the circumstances.if u really want her, go, but be ready for the consequences of ur action.if things go right, good for u, if not... oh well...

 

Red flags for what? I'm not being a smartass... I just want to know. Red flags are warning signs. What do you think is looming on the horizon. Because I really have no idea how this will turn out.

 

If he ends things with her... (something he considered during his last mental episode) then what? Then she is heartbroken, and her and I are living together alone in this house, and I'm in love with her.

 

When she packed up and left for that two weeks... he told me after she came back, that at one point he was just going to pack his stuff and go back to his home country, and then call me and tell me to "take good care of her." How said is it that I actually thought "Why didn't you?"

 

I've spent so much time thinking about what will happen if they split up. On one hand I don't just want to move in on her like a starving vulture... But on the other hand, I don't want to let her get away again either.

 

I feel like such a selfish lowlife... This guy has been my friend for 14 years. And here I am more worried about her then I am about him. I need my ass kicked.

Edited September 3, 2010 by TRaczaj

[whichwayisup]

14 years of friendship vs x amount of years of friendship. Do the math.

 

Your friend needs you..Go visit him in the hospital, bring him some magazines, spend some one on one time with him, cheer him up.

What he is going through isn't fun and I sympathize with him.. I have had bouts of anxiety and mild depression, so right now is NOT the time to be letting yourself get attached, fantasize or want his girlfriend.

 

Somehow you need to detach from her and stop lusting after her. Stop yourself from feeling and thinking intimately about her. Why not ask her to invite one of her girlfriends to come stay over, that way you can go off and do something else in the house, or go visit your friend, or see other friends. Keep busy and anytime you start 'feeling' 'thinking' those thoughts about her, ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed. I think you would expect loyality and trust from your friend being alone with your gf.

 

Hope things get better at work..

[witabix]

14 years of friendship vs x amount of years of friendship. Do the math.

 

Your friend needs you..Go visit him in the hospital, bring him some magazines, spend some one on one time with him, cheer him up.

What he is going through isn't fun and I sympathize with him.. I have had bouts of anxiety and mild depression, so right now is NOT the time to be letting yourself get attached, fantasize or want his girlfriend.

 

Somehow you need to detach from her and stop lusting after her. Stop yourself from feeling and thinking intimately about her. Why not ask her to invite one of her girlfriends to come stay over, that way you can go off and do something else in the house, or go visit your friend, or see other friends. Keep busy and anytime you start 'feeling' 'thinking' those thoughts about her, ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed. I think you would expect loyality and trust from your friend being alone with your gf.

 

Hope things get better at work..

 

Listen to WWIU, you know it makes sense.

[TRaczaj]

14 years of friendship vs x amount of years of friendship. Do the math.

 

Your friend needs you..Go visit him in the hospital, bring him some magazines, spend some one on one time with him, cheer him up.

What he is going through isn't fun and I sympathize with him.. I have had bouts of anxiety and mild depression, so right now is NOT the time to be letting yourself get attached, fantasize or want his girlfriend.

 

Somehow you need to detach from her and stop lusting after her. Stop yourself from feeling and thinking intimately about her. Why not ask her to invite one of her girlfriends to come stay over, that way you can go off and do something else in the house, or go visit your friend, or see other friends. Keep busy and anytime you start 'feeling' 'thinking' those thoughts about her, ask yourself how you would feel if the situation was reversed. I think you would expect loyality and trust from your friend being alone with your gf.

 

Hope things get better at work..

 

I have been to see him in the hospital... once I went alone, all the other times have been with her. Believe it or not, it's hard for me to see him like that. He really is like my brother... he has no family here, so he's kind of been adopted into mine over the years.

 

And yes, if roles were reversed I would be pissed. That's the main thing that's kept me from trying anything with her.

 

It sucks that this had to happen now, when I thought I was getting these feelings for her under control.

 

I actually thought about just laying it all out on the table with her... I thought about telling her this is killing me, and being alone with her is just too hard right now and I think she should go stay somewhere else. I would offer to stay somewhere else myself, but I don't want her here all alone.

[TRaczaj]

May not be a healthy coping mechanism... but I'm getting drunk later.

[whichwayisup]

OK, stop making this girl a big concern of yours. She isn't your responsibility.

 

GO stay somewhere else for a few days. She's a grown woman and can take of herself! If she gets lonely, she can CALL a friend (female) to come stay with her. You're worrying about her way too much. Chill, man. Chill.

 

Keep thinking along the lines of " this guy is like my brother." He is FAMILY so don't go making moves, or opening up and telling her how you feel. Even more so, NOW is NOT the time to that! Her mind with her boyfriend, worrying about him.. Don't put that on her, or on yourself while your friend is in the hospital.

 

Don't go drinking..You'll end up doing or saying something stupid. Have a shower, watch some TV, or go to sleep. Don't drink.

[witabix]

Listen to WWIU, you know it makes sense.

 

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