A MM's perspective

[BHMM]

I just registered on LS yesterday but I’ve been lurking on and off for a few years. I see so many posts on here from OW wondering about what their MM is thinking, doing, feeling, why he said this and then did that, etc. Well, I’m a MM who ended my A of 3+ years about 3 months ago, because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my kids. It’s been 11 weeks of NC since then, and I’m heartbroken. I’m doing worse now than I was a month ago. Every day seems harder and harder to go on. Someone compared the getting over the end of an A to mourning a death, and right now that seems about right.

 

I won’t go into the details of how the A started, but suffice it to say we had an amazing connection on every level, like nothing either of us had ever experienced before, and it was addictive and all-consuming, and it was real love. I tried to leave my M several times, and could never bring myself to fully do it. I wanted to pursue a life with OW and give us a real chance, but I didn’t for several reasons. The biggest of which was that I couldn’t get past the guilt I know I’d feel causing my kids the pain that a separation/D. There were money issues too, and I wondered how all of this would affect the R with OW once we were in the “real world”. I told her this multiple times, that I was concerned that I’d bring so much stress and guilt into our R that it would affect us. There were also cultural/ethnic differences that we both worried about (how would each others’ families accept us, etc.). And though this was my first and only A during my 10+ year M, it wasn’t the first time I had been unfaithful in a relationship (and from early on, I told OW everything about my past), so I think some small part of me feared that I would eventually cheat again (according to LS knowledge, this is what we MMs do).

 

I never lied to OW about my feelings about her, our R, or my M,. Sometimes when we’d talk about our future it would feel like anything’s possible, and we could get through whatever would come, together. Being with her and sharing visions of a future together seemed to fuel a confidence that we’d get through whatever would come. I honestly felt those feelings, deeply and sincerely. But then reality would hit, and I’d be putting my kids to bed at night and thinking about trying to explain to them why Daddy is leaving, picturing them growing up without me around full-time, maybe eventually being raised by another man, and suffering through difficult childhoods because of the emotional turmoil and financial strain caused by me… and the idea of all this tore me up continually. I finally had to end things because I knew I couldn’t go through with a D and was wasting OW’s time. It was brutally hard to end things with her, and after 11 weeks I still spend time every day completely torn up. We gave each other our hearts, and it was amazing, and yet sometimes I wonder if we would’ve been better off having never met. I honestly wish her the best and hope she finds someone to share a life with, but it kills me to think of her moving on, even though I know that’s how it has to be. I'm now trying to repair what's left of my M, and provide a happy stable life for my kids.

 

I hope this helps give some perspective on things from an MM’s point of view. Feel free to ask me whatever questions you want and I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks for sharing your story, BHMM. It is so helpful to read stories like yours. They are so similar to my MM's thinking. It strengthens me in my conviction that he is being honest to me about the difficulty in being torn between love and family.

[BB07]

Thanks BHMM for sharing your story.

 

I do have a question for you as it's something I find hard to reconcile concerning a MM who has children, when they say that can't leave because of concern for the children.

 

Did you think about the possibility of getting caught and what the fallout from that might be? Did you think that had that scenario happened, that it might hurt and scar your children more than leaving your marriage would?

[terrific]

Was she married or single? Does your wife know? I very much understand about that kids, mine are older but still, the worries of their happiness are still there. My parents divorced and it changed my world. I had NO IDEA my parents were not happy....

 

I do not know why, but somehow I am comforted knowing that you miss her. Twisted I know.

[desertIslandCactus]

When it comes to the sanctity of marriage, I believe it is an either/or world.

 

In each of the circumstances of your affairs, you were most likely given warning before proceding from the "amazing connection" emotional phase to the physical (can't turn away from it) stage.

 

When people on here refer to MM/MW in affairs as 'cake eaters', I believe that to be fact.

 

If you aren't divorcing - try to put more into your marriage.

[Summer Breeze]

My exMM said much the same thing. My exH (WS) loved his OW and was fighting to stay at home so he would have said the same.

 

I remember Devil Inside (poster months back) who was clearly not over his OW.

 

People can say men sit on the fence for pure selfishness but that is often not the case.

[kuma]

I have one question. "Do you love your wife?"

[NancyBotwin]

When it comes to the sanctity of marriage, I believe it is an either/or world.

 

In each of the circumstances of your affairs, you were most likely given warning before proceding from the "amazing connection" emotional phase to the physical (can't turn away from it) stage.

 

When people on here refer to MM/MW in affairs as 'cake eaters', I believe that to be fact.

 

If you aren't divorcing - try to put more into your marriage.

I agree with you Cactus. People make choices every step of the way, don't they?

 

Is it just me, or does the OP's writing style have a feminine slant? Just wondering, because my husband and most of the men I know don't write like this. But! They have never had affairs either...

Maybe if I let them read this post, they could get in touch with their feminine side, not a bad thing I guess! Thanks for your post, OP!

[Summer Breeze]

The OP isn't asking for advice on entering or not entering an A. He is stating his feelings having left the A as most people would advise him to.

 

Kudos to you OP for doing what you thought was right. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you know you made a horrible and painful mistake and did what you could to make it right. You have to carry the A with you and what it cost you and your family but you've tried to make it right.

 

As far as writing styles and if a man would write this. Devil Inside did. Owl is an eloquent writer.

 

I also don't feel the snarky comment about finding his feminine side was called for but if it made you feel better to say it more power to you.

[2sure]

Really really sad that his children are being raised in a family in which the father is in love with someone else and the mother apparently doesnt know or doesnt care. Sadder still that the father clearly wishes he could afford to be somewhere else.

 

But most kids adapt to divorce, financial hardship, broken homes, etc...so hopefully these kids will be ok being raised in this...

[Hazyhead]

I agree with you Cactus. People make choices every step of the way, don't they?

 

Is it just me, or does the OP's writing style have a feminine slant? Just wondering, because my husband and most of the men I know don't write like this. But! They have never had affairs either...

Maybe if I let them read this post, they could get in touch with their feminine side, not a bad thing I guess! Thanks for your post, OP!

 

 

His writing style could be lifted from any of the correspondance that I received from xMM, who was definitely manly. He always expressed his emotions eloquently, better than me if anything.

 

Thank you for this BHMM; it's so similar to my xMM's story. I wish you peace and hope that you and your wife heal your marriage. Appreciate her time again, go back to learning what it's like to date again - take her out and wine and dine her; see if you can recapture some excitement.

 

And keep posting here letting us know how you're doing - it's great for discussing any issues that come up for you.

[Summer Breeze]

Really really sad that his children are being raised in a family in which the father is in love with someone else and the mother apparently doesnt know or doesnt care. Sadder still that the father clearly wishes he could afford to be somewhere else.

 

But most kids adapt to divorce, financial hardship, broken homes, etc...so hopefully these kids will be ok being raised in this...

 

I agree with you on this but my point is he made the choice that he wasn't going to leave so he at least ended the A. He could have had the kids in a house where the dad doesn't love mom and was having an A.

[whichwayisup]

I have one question. "Do you love your wife?"

 

I was going to ask this but someone beat me to it. Though I do hope you answer if you do love your wife.

 

So, instead I'll ask - What is wrong inside of you, or what needs do you feel your wife isn't meeting that led you to choose to cheat on her, instead of communicating that you are unhappy, or give her a chance to reconnect with you again?

 

It's good you've been honest and I'm glad to see that you are putting your kids first. If your marriage isn't BAD and there is a connection still between you and wife, then MAKE IT WORK.

 

As for the OW, she will move on, as will you. Time heals all wounds (with the help of NC.)

 

Sidenote, I just hope that this post is for real and not someone pretending to be a MM.

[Confused4Now]

Really really sad that his children are being raised in a family in which the father is in love with someone else and the mother apparently doesnt know or doesnt care. Sadder still that the father clearly wishes he could afford to be somewhere else.

 

But most kids adapt to divorce, financial hardship, broken homes, etc...so hopefully these kids will be ok being raised in this...

I wonder what what's really going on in his mind. I was a MM with my MW at the time. I thought of the kids but when my own kids would question why I was still there it was clear I was staying for all the wrong reasons. Fast forward 2 1/2 years my kids are much more happier with the way things are. They've adjusted to the split....yes it was tough in the beginning.....but they don't see all the in house abuse (verbal/emotional). Yes I hurt financially but I've made adjustments and it is hard. Even though I didn't end up with my xMW I'm very happy with where I'm at. Don't stay for the kids....go find your happiness even if it means being happy alone. I am...

[Brokenlady]

Really really sad that his children are being raised in a family in which the father is in love with someone else and the mother apparently doesnt know or doesnt care. Sadder still that the father clearly wishes he could afford to be somewhere else.

 

But most kids adapt to divorce, financial hardship, broken homes, etc...so hopefully these kids will be ok being raised in this...

 

I'm with 2sure on this one. I used to hear the same kinds of things from xDM (before he finally left and divorced). He used to say that if he could end it with me he'd miss me and pine for me forever. There's been other MM posting on here from time to time that a long time later find themselves still in love with the xOW and still not in love with their W's, and struggling with that.

 

This martyr trip - the idea of staying for the kids - just feels like nonsense. I can't think of any woman who would want her H to stick around despite not being in love with her and being in love with someone else (scratch that-- xDM's psychotic xW would be ok with that); and I have a harder time envisioning what the children will feel as they get older seeing that Daddy doesn't love Mommy and that's the example of the relationship they are supposed to aspire to. What responsiblity to thrust on them for being the reason you gave up this relationship for a woman you love!

 

I sincerely hope you have a better reason for staying than just "for the kids", which so rarely ever works out to be in the kids best interests.

[whichwayisup]

Don't stay for the kids....go find your happiness even if it means being happy alone.

 

I agree with this, but let's see if he returns and answers if he loves his wife still and how bad his marriage truly is. Or is this a case of having a good marriage, loving his wife and he just let another woman get too close to him, fell for her and had to choose. If his marriage sucks and the dynamic between him and his wife is awful, then saving the marriage is pointless. Better to have two healthy households than one bad house filled with bad energy, and parents who resent eachother and fight all the time.

[LostintheMidwest]

Is it just me, or does the OP's writing style have a feminine slant? Just wondering, because my husband and most of the men I know don't write like this. But! They have never had affairs either...

 

Men (married or not) have feelings too. Most of them just don't express it so freely.

[pureinheart]

The OP isn't asking for advice on entering or not entering an A. He is stating his feelings having left the A as most people would advise him to.

 

Kudos to you OP for doing what you thought was right. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you know you made a horrible and painful mistake and did what you could to make it right. You have to carry the A with you and what it cost you and your family but you've tried to make it right.

 

As far as writing styles and if a man would write this. Devil Inside did. Owl is an eloquent writer.

 

I also don't feel the snarky comment about finding his feminine side was called for but if it made you feel better to say it more power to you.[/QUOTE]

 

Yes, agreed....touching a nerve possibly.

 

Anyway, OP, I found your post to be extremely well versed and heart felt, thank you for posting:)

[BHMM]

Thanks for all your responses. I'll try to reply to everyone.

 

Thanks BHMM for sharing your story.

 

I do have a question for you as it's something I find hard to reconcile concerning a MM who has children, when they say that can't leave because of concern for the children.

 

Did you think about the possibility of getting caught and what the fallout from that might be? Did you think that had that scenario happened, that it might hurt and scar your children more than leaving your marriage would?

 

I definitely did think about this. I worried about the whole thing blowing up and understood that was a risk regarding my kids. The whole thing was a risk though, I guess. I just figured if I worked hard enough to keep it hidden, then it wouldn't be an issue.

 

Was she married or single? Does your wife know? I very much understand about that kids, mine are older but still, the worries of their happiness are still there. My parents divorced and it changed my world. I had NO IDEA my parents were not happy....

 

I do not know why, but somehow I am comforted knowing that you miss her. Twisted I know.

She was single, no kids.

 

I'm sorry about your parents' divorce, but reading that it changed your world reinforces to me that I made the right decision to stay.

 

I'm glad my post helped you, even a little. Part of me hopes OW somehow stumbles across this board and my post and gets some comfort from it too (without knowing it's me).

 

When it comes to the sanctity of marriage, I believe it is an either/or world.

 

In each of the circumstances of your affairs, you were most likely given warning before proceding from the "amazing connection" emotional phase to the physical (can't turn away from it) stage.

 

When people on here refer to MM/MW in affairs as 'cake eaters', I believe that to be fact.

 

If you aren't divorcing - try to put more into your marriage.

Yes, there were definitely moments and opportunities to choose to walk away before it got to a full-blown A.

 

My exMM said much the same thing. My exH (WS) loved his OW and was fighting to stay at home so he would have said the same.

 

I remember Devil Inside (poster months back) who was clearly not over his OW.

 

People can say men sit on the fence for pure selfishness but that is often not the case.

Thank you for posting this. (Maybe I was a cake eater too, I don't know.)

 

I have one question. "Do you love your wife?"

I really don't know. As a life partner and the mother of my children, I do. When compared to the feelings I have for OW, it doesn't feel like love.

[BHMM]

I agree with you Cactus. People make choices every step of the way, don't they?

 

Is it just me, or does the OP's writing style have a feminine slant? Just wondering, because my husband and most of the men I know don't write like this. But! They have never had affairs either...

Maybe if I let them read this post, they could get in touch with their feminine side, not a bad thing I guess! Thanks for your post, OP!

Not sure if I should feel insulted or complimented, but I'm all man. I just like writing and I think I'm "in touch with my feelings". Maybe living through NC, with no one to talk to about it and all this stuff swimming through my head every day, got me even more face-to-face with my feelings.

 

Kudos to you OP for doing what you thought was right. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you know you made a horrible and painful mistake and did what you could to make it right. You have to carry the A with you and what it cost you and your family but you've tried to make it right.

Thank you SB. You're right, this is my burden to carry, but I hope the sacrifice is worth it for my family.

 

Really really sad that his children are being raised in a family in which the father is in love with someone else and the mother apparently doesnt know or doesnt care. Sadder still that the father clearly wishes he could afford to be somewhere else.

 

But most kids adapt to divorce, financial hardship, broken homes, etc...so hopefully these kids will be ok being raised in this...

I agree, it is sad. And I really don't think I would've left even if there wasn't a financial issue. It would make things easier, but it wouldn't have alleviated the guilt I'd feel from leaving my kids.

 

His writing style could be lifted from any of the correspondance that I received from xMM, who was definitely manly. He always expressed his emotions eloquently, better than me if anything.

 

Thank you for this BHMM; it's so similar to my xMM's story. I wish you peace and hope that you and your wife heal your marriage. Appreciate her time again, go back to learning what it's like to date again - take her out and wine and dine her; see if you can recapture some excitement.

 

And keep posting here letting us know how you're doing - it's great for discussing any issues that come up for you.

Thank you for your comments Hazyhead. I will keep posting, it seems to be helping me today, and hopefully my perspective is helping others too.

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know. As a life partner and the mother of my children, I do. When compared to the feelings I have for OW, it doesn't feel like love.

You mean OW provides you with crush like feelings, it's intense, sexual, lust, heart flutters etc.. ALL the good stuff that happens at the beginning of any new relationship. The thing is, once that wears off, what happens next?

 

You cannot compare what you feel for the OW against what you feel for your wife. Obviously you loved your wife at some point in time, since you married her and had children with her. Created a life together.

 

What you have with your wife is long term. Sure life gets boring, sex is routine gets stale..But it's up to you AND your wife to make time for one another and keep the passion alive! Go on date nights, drop the kids off at the grandparents, or get a babysitter.

 

Do you still have sex with your wife? Did you have sex with your wife while you were having the affair?

 

Just a suggestion, but consider seeking some counseling to help you through this, and talk to your wife about how you feel (and if you have the courage, tell her about the A and let HER choose if she wants to stay married to you)..

[LostintheMidwest]

 

I really don't know. As a life partner and the mother of my children, I do. When compared to the feelings I have for OW, it doesn't feel like love.

 

I always would hear my MM tell his friends that marriage had nothing to do with love. What ever that means, but this reminded me of it.

[BHMM]

May I ask what the state of the marriage was when you entered into the affair? If it was in a bad state, do you feel you would have continued to remain in the marriage without the affair? If it was in a good state, why did you enter into the affair?

 

I think when it comes to judging a marriage on its own merits, an affair muddies the waters a bit. It becomes more about guilt of the AP leaving to pursue happiness with another person than taking a realistic look at the health of the marriage itself. If that guilt wasn't playing a role in the consideration do you think it might be different?

I wouldn't say the marriage was in a bad state at all. I guess I just got blindsided by the immediate bond OW and I seemed to have. I was overwhelmed by the connection and attraction, and flattered by the attention, and it just felt right (horrible to say, I know). I still look back and say we both should've just walked away when we saw what was about to happen, but I don't know if either of us could've done that.

[BHMM]

I was going to ask this but someone beat me to it. Though I do hope you answer if you do love your wife.

 

So, instead I'll ask - What is wrong inside of you, or what needs do you feel your wife isn't meeting that led you to choose to cheat on her, instead of communicating that you are unhappy, or give her a chance to reconnect with you again?

 

It's good you've been honest and I'm glad to see that you are putting your kids first. If your marriage isn't BAD and there is a connection still between you and wife, then MAKE IT WORK.

 

As for the OW, she will move on, as will you. Time heals all wounds (with the help of NC.)

 

Sidenote, I just hope that this post is for real and not someone pretending to be a MM.

I promise that I'm a real MM and everything I'm posting is sincere.

 

I don't know what needs weren't being met. That's something I'll have to look inwardly and try to figure out.

 

There is still a connection between me and my W, so that's what I'm going to use to try to rebuild the M.

 

I sincerely hope OW and I can move on. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get over her, though I know I have to.

[bentnotbroken]

I promise that I'm a real MM and everything I'm posting is sincere.

 

I don't know what needs weren't being met. That's something I'll have to look inwardly and try to figure out.

 

There is still a connection between me and my W, so that's what I'm going to use to try to rebuild the M.

 

I sincerely hope OW and I can move on. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get over her, though I know I have to.

 

 

Why rebuild what is obviously broken. Why not look at building a new relationship? One with truth, respect and honoring each other. Do you think that is possible?