A MM's perspective

[Silly_Girl]

(My idea to post my story really started from me thinking, what if OW found LS and is reading through these threads; what if I can communicate how much I love her and miss her without breaking NC?)

 

This is extremely telling, BHMM. Feels to me that there are benefits to you posting bit fundamentally it's you reaching out to OW without breaking NC. Which explains 100% why you sound less invested in your marriage. Simply, you ARE less invested. You need to talk to a counsellor about your split with OW, it's a life-changing experience, where you are now, and if you found yourself unable to move on further you truly would be an awful user, squatting in your marriage and selfishly keeping your wife prisoner.

 

I know you're hurting, I think you need to try and get over your OW before you have a fighting chance of being a husband or good father.!

[SidLyon]

Again, if you don't believe I'm real, just please go somewhere else. I'm already tired of trying to convince you.

 

.

 

You invited questions in your first post. I am not the only one who questioned your bona fides, but I can assure you there will be no need for you to continue trying to convince me.

 

As for going somewhere else, that request from you directed at me is not appropriate (in my view) for a public forum; dare I say a little presumptuous. I have been polite to you and not told you to go elsewhere.

[carrie999]

BHMM, I haven't read through much of this thread...just enough to see that you're tired of defending yourself. If you just want someone to talk to, PM me if that's possible here. I'm going through something similar, and I get that you're not the typical guy, or MM, or whatever this forum calls you.

 

I completely get that you're worn out by so many things...the affair, trying to reconcile with your wife, and even just trying to be intimate with her while you're dealing with this heartbreak.

 

I never thought I'd be in this situation, and it's pretty much impossible to describe how profoundly strange it feels in the midst of it, or how complicated it really is. Talking about it among dozens of strangers proves less comforting than you originally thought it would be, since you have to sift through thinly guised verbal assaults to find a few people who just plain "get" it.

 

So message me if you just want someone who will listen, and share a similar experience...I know I'd really like to talk to a completely objective and non-judgmental stranger who is just trying to get past this.

[BHMM]

You invited questions in your first post. I am not the only one who questioned your bona fides, but I can assure you there will be no need for you to continue trying to convince me.

 

As for going somewhere else, that request from you directed at me is not appropriate (in my view) for a public forum; dare I say a little presumptuous. I have been polite to you and not told you to go elsewhere.

Yes, I invited questions, not ID verification. And you actually did suggest that I take my troubles to the Infidelity board rather than here. (And when I suggested you go "elsewhere", I only meant another thread, not somewhere besides LS.)

 

In any case, I apologize. It's a been a long and emotional day of posting, and having someone question my authenticity when I'm pouring my heart out was getting hard to take.

 

Have a good night.

[terrific]

BHHM, could I possibly PM you?

[September]

BHHM, could I possibly PM you?

 

I think a new member has to have posted 50 times before you can send/receive PM's...

[SidLyon]

Yes, I invited questions, not ID verification. And you actually did suggest that I take my troubles to the Infidelity board rather than here. (And when I suggested you go "elsewhere", I only meant another thread, not somewhere besides LS.)

 

In any case, I apologize. It's a been a long and emotional day of posting, and having someone question my authenticity when I'm pouring my heart out was getting hard to take.

 

Have a good night.

 

Yes I did suggest you go over to Infidelity because I believed you might get better advice there on recovering your marriage. This was said by me in good faith and not as an attempt to tell you to bog off.

 

Since then you have said that your purposes in posting were as a roundabout way of avoiding breaching no contact and/or in the hope your OW might read here and/or to assist other OW going through the same thing. Obviously not about rebuilding a marriage and as you correctly worked out, better placed on the OW/OM forum.

 

As for establishing authenticity, posters get all sorts of questions about this all the time - nobody likes to be deceived even on an anonymous internet forum. Some people have been questioned much more robustly than you have. You kinda need to be not overly sensitive to it otherwise you spend you time on pointless discussion with other posters.

 

As for establishing identity, that is a no-no. You should never feel you have to give so much info that you can be identified. In the past some people have provided info about themselves either accidentally or that they later regretted. Nobody should be asking you to do that and you shouldn't feel obliged to respond.

 

You wished me a good night (thanks). It is late afternoon where I am and the early hours of the morning in USA. I will have a good night thank you - you too.

[pureinheart]

BHMM, I haven't read through much of this thread...just enough to see that you're tired of defending yourself. If you just want someone to talk to, PM me if that's possible here. I'm going through something similar, and I get that you're not the typical guy, or MM, or whatever this forum calls you.

 

I completely get that you're worn out by so many things...the affair, trying to reconcile with your wife, and even just trying to be intimate with her while you're dealing with this heartbreak.

 

I never thought I'd be in this situation, and it's pretty much impossible to describe how profoundly strange it feels in the midst of it, or how complicated it really is. Talking about it among dozens of strangers proves less comforting than you originally thought it would be, since you have to sift through thinly guised verbal assaults to find a few people who just plain "get" it.

 

So message me if you just want someone who will listen, and share a similar experience...I know I'd really like to talk to a completely objective and non-judgmental stranger who is just trying to get past this.

 

In bold, man I totally hear you, he must be...it's a whole lot of emotional stuff..IMO I think men sometimes do better with this stuff...I wear my emotions on my shoulder.

 

Carrie hugs to you and Terrific, both going through such turmoil also..I'm not sure what will work for you ladies, although I really wish the best:).

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, although I think the 50 posts within a certain timeframe (like 60 days I think)..then you will see "Established Member" underneath, which gives the ability to PM...or become a supporting member which gives it instantly...it is under LS Questions (or something like that).

 

Actually, I think being single is easier (this concerns BHMM's OW and Terrifics OM..Carrie, I am not sure totally of your sitch:o) as I was in an EA with a MM who is now exDM...the only thing I had to deal with was myself and the things that concerned me...I think you guys are right to say it is more complicated in your circumstances.

 

I think you guys are doing great and I say we all have a glass of wine...don't tell Tony (he's the LS Mod) though because he asks that we not drink and drive on LS so ssshhhhh....anyway I just want to forget about everything right now because I join you all as I am in a bit of turmoil also...BUT, the bright side is, it could be worst, right????

 

It is during these times that I reflect on the things I take for granted, like just plain being alive, being able to see, to communicate, to love etc.

 

I am not being insensitive, just want to lighten the atmosphere:)...BHMM, think of the grandkids you will have, I am watching my granddaughter sleep right now ( I'm a VERY young grandmother:D) ...you have a wonderful future...you know what...we all do...and like you guys, my kids are my life and now for me grandkids...that's all she wrote and I totally understand...anyway GBU all....and in 5 years this will be a distant memory:)

 

BHMM, I bet you slept good tonight...you guys are great BTW...

[jj33]

BH dont give up on us. Youve been through the mills but we want you here on the OW/OM board and dont let anyone chase you away. Some have suggested that MM dont post because affairs are generally a case of (and these are not my words) "hit it and quit it". This thread demonstrates that is not true. You get bludgeoned.

 

By the way there is an ignore button that you can use if you decide that you choose not to read posts from particular posters. When your emotions are raw sometimes the freedom afforded by the forum is more than you bargained for and the ignore button can be helpful.

[LifesontheUp]

I've got to ask what you think gives you the right to make these decisions for your wife and kids? Where does your wife count in all this? Marriage is about being in a partnership and yet YOU are making decisions on the way forward based on what YOU want to happen, because YOU want to be with your kids. God how self centred you are.

 

Marriages break up every day and kids can be fine.

 

Seems this is all about YOU and nobody else. Please don't use the kids as an excuse to stay, man up and either go be with the OW or tell your wife so you can work on the marriage together.

[jennie-jennie]

She occasionally tries. I just say I'm tired or tomorrow or something. Yes, I am holding back because I literally can't do it, because of the way I feel about OW. I guess that would be rare, but that's the way I am.

 

It just hit me that how different is not this non-existing post-affair sex life compared to the hysterical bonding that would likely be taking place if BHMM had been found out.

 

You are not alone, BHMM. There are many MM who "literally can't do it, because of the way" they "feel about OW".

[Angel1111]

You need to widen your horizons my dear. Meet men who not only have feelings, but can also articulate them. Maybe steer clear of the knuckle-draggers for a while

 

'Knuckle-draggers' - good one. You know, most married women just can't fathom that their husbands would fall in love with someone else because it's their worst nightmare. They can't imagine that their husbands would chase another woman with the intensity that a MM can. And they especially can't admit that a MM can have deep, intense feelings of friendship and love for the OW. They just don't want to hear it. And the married women in the OW/OM section are most likely the ones who suspect in their heart of hearts that their husbands are capable of that very thing. Hence, the venom.

 

Whenever I was with xMM, his wife actually witnessed him basically following me everywhere, all night, during a party. But the rumors she started later was that I was chasing her husband. That made me laugh really hard. I never chased him - as a matter of fact, I tried to stay away from him. She has no idea what her husband is made of, as a lot of women don't.

 

As far as this forum is concerned, BHMM posted in the OW/OM section and he should be free to express whatever he thinks without all the ridiculous comments here. If you really think BHMM isn't for real, then just stop reading the post. It's really simple how that works. I seem to remember on another infidelity website, they actually have a section for the OW and posters aren't allowed to bash them. That's the way it should be here. Here's a newsflash - married men cheat, and married men usually cheat because they're either infatuated or in love with the OW. Get over it. You don't and never did control another person. The sooner everyone admits that to themselves, the better off they'll be.

 

(....and here come the comments that we've all heard a billion times already....)

[Ellin]

Add me to that list. Reads like a OW masquerading about as a MM, telling the group what they want to hear.

 

Around da hood, a dude saying "love deeply" might get beetch-slapped. Nothin but a thang, but I hate seeing people be bamboozled.

 

Or you can look at it from a different angle.

 

How about a group of people feeling very uncomfortable with any notion that a MM can truly love his OW, even if he stays in the M, so when they are unable to deny MM's own words, they quickly resort to saying it's not MM at all?

[Ellin]

I have seen posts by OWs on LS minimizing the relationship between the wife and her husband - but this goes beyond that.

 

For the OW in these threads to think of themselves as the rescuer of these men is one thing, but to minimize and discount the Value of the family unit, is quite another.

 

Please don't feel that the children of broken homes adapt without carrying feelings of hurt and rejection through life.

 

Even with the pompous term of 'blending' the adjustment that these children go through, follow them into other relationships in life.

 

A worldly child isn't necessarily stronger - just broken.

 

That's interesting, so what is your solution to that? From what I read in this thread MM who leaves W and children hurts scars them for life, one who stays and cuts his ties with OW in order to be with his children is hurting them too....

 

???

[Fallen Angel]

Or you can look at it from a different angle.

 

How about a group of people feeling very uncomfortable with any notion that a MM can truly love his OW, even if he stays in the M, so when they are unable to deny MM's own words, they quickly resort to saying it's not MM at all?

 

Absolutely!

 

They are more than happy to tell us all the time what the MM is thinking, as long as they can tell us that he is thinking that his OW was worthless and his wife is a godess that he wants to spend the rest of his life making it all up to while having Hot Monkey Sex all day and night, and romancing her with candle lit dinners and weekend holidays.

 

But along comes a MM who blows all of their theories about the mindset of MM out of the water, and they can not argue what he feels, because he is the only one who can say what he really feels, so rather than try they simply accuse him of being an imposter. Unreal!!!

 

I have on occasion quietly questioned the authenticity of a fBW here, who claims she is having the most wonderful and loving reconciliation. I honestly believe that her WH is long gone with his OW, hence the venom that drips from her fingers everytime she types, but who am I to say anything outloud? If she wants to try and convince the world and it makes her feel better to make people believe that she is reconciled and happy, so be it. Far be it from me to call her out on it.

 

 

BHMM,

 

Your authenticity comes across in your posts as far as I can see. I can read your pain and confusion. The fact that you write eloquently does not hide your pain and loss.

 

Keep posting. Keep working through your pain. Losing a relationship is like a little death. You have to go through the stages of grief. You will get there in time, and hopefully in time, you will be at peace with your choices.

[donnamaybe]

This may be BHMM's truth but it is far from the tuth for every MM/MW. I know that as a MW who posted about her affair on here and posted about how I lied to the ex-OM, actually still loved my H and never did not want to leave him, I received abuse - even from some on here who are now posting so much support and admiration for the OP here - and had posters make accusations about what was going on in my life without ever having met me.

 

It seems like some only want to hear a version of truth that suits their agenda

You got it right on Anne. Everyone wants to believe whatever version makes them feel better about their own situation.

[Ellin]

And so it goes, the reason why we see so little of any married affair person's sharing their experiences.

 

I can't possibly quote or bring up all that I have read here, as I am late to the party but I am amazed at some peoples opinions.

 

But I do have a couple questions

 

1st thing that stood out - BHMM said he has been to several councilors and they have all told him to dump the OW and work on the Marriage. Very interesting as they are "IC?" counselors?? The reason this stood out was because my XMM is also in IC and also got the same response from his Councilor adding that his councilor admits that directing him to NC was a blanket approach. In all seriousness is no one concerned that Councilors who are suppose to get to the root are pushing societal values - and apparently my MM is not the only one experiencing it. That counsilors are using 'blanket' opinons/approaches or more concerning - placing their opinions/beliefs on their patients.

 

But most important

 

BHMM

 

How would you feel if your children lived your life? I am DEAD serious. How you feel if you found out in 20 years that your son or daughter was with their partner because of the kids? Do you not want better for them? This is where cycles are created, imo.

 

Do you believe your son or daughter deserves to have a 'so-so' marriage. What if instead of it being them that was unhappy, it was their spouse that was going out of the marriage - but giving what they 'could' to your child?

 

Is that enough for your children. There is no question, we learn what we live and ironically that often comes even when no one speaks it - We as humans understand connections, as we get older we experience ourselves and we begin to see the hidden cracks in our peers relationships.

 

20 Years from now are you prepared for your children to live your life - there is a very good chance they will.

 

For some people having a good R with a romantic partner is not as important as having a good R with their children (and that involves living with them full time).

 

For others not having a good R with a romantic partner is hard, but they put their R with their children above their own personal happiness, and doing otherwise would make them see themselves as selfish and not facing their responsibilities, and that would make them feel guilty, which in turn would impact on their happiness, were they to pursue a romantic R with their chosen person at the cost of losing their time with their children.

[Ellin]

You got it right on Anne. Everyone wants to believe whatever version makes them feel better about their own situation.

 

Well, I believe that there are as many situations as there are individuals with their own circumstances and histories, so anything is possible, as opposed to believing only one convenient scenario.

[desertIslandCactus]

I'm refocusing the energy and attention I put into the A back into my M and my W. Now that I'm around all the time and not sneaking off, I'm here more, so there's more hangout time with my W, which is helping things progress, just spending that much more time together. I'm also reading articles on the Marriage Builders website.

 

I hope these answers prove satisfactory in proving that I exist.

 

 

It's good that you have been searching other websites such as Marriage Builders. I haven't Googled, but I'm sure there are many others as well -that can help you with your quest.

 

There is a great deal of respect for the sanctity of the marriage covenant. You and your wife are of one flesh. Her body is yours, yours is hers.

[donnamaybe]

Well, I believe that there are as many situations as there are individuals with their own circumstances and histories, so anything is possible, as opposed to believing only one convenient scenario.

Of course, but there are people on this forum seeing a cheater who is lying to their spouse AND who were LIED to themselves (or a convenient omission of the truth, i.e., that their current AP was married when they met), and they refuse to even CONSIDER the possibility that their AP could be lying to THEM - AGAIN.

 

So, for them, they are believing only one convenient scenario.

[LifesontheUp]

For others not having a good R with a romantic partner is hard, but they put their R with their children above their own personal happiness, and doing otherwise would make them see themselves as selfish and not facing their responsibilities, and that would make them feel guilty, which in turn would impact on their happiness, were they to pursue a romantic R with their chosen person at the cost of losing their time with their children.

 

And like I posted earlier, why is it only HIM that gets to make any decisions here? He married his wife and now because he wants to remain with his kids after his 3yr affair, HE gets to make the choice. He's so self centred

 

Now, if he told his wife the truth then perhaps I would have more respect for him. But he's happy to think of himself again and do it under the guise of his kids. Sorry but its a sorry excuse.

 

Using the kids is bull. The fact is marriages break up every day, and kids do and move on well as long as both parents work towards the same goal in ensuring they are well and adjusted.

[Owl]

Well, I believe that there are as many situations as there are individuals with their own circumstances and histories, so anything is possible, as opposed to believing only one convenient scenario.

 

I think that this is excellent advice...for EVERYONE on the board, to include the person who wrote it.

 

Everyone seems to be looking for the answer that fits their own viewpoint.

 

Why not just let BHMM post, and EVERYONE (BS and OW/OM alike) listen rather than try to mold him to fit what you want to hear?

 

BHMM- I noted that you insisted that your wife shouldn't be told the truth. I don't agree with this, but ok. So what specific ways are you working on rebuilding your marriage? How are you trying to build your marriage up...rebuild the love for your wife...in the face of what's happened, and without her understanding and willing participation?

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. long thread.. I just read the first few posts from the OP...

 

I completely understand your feeling.. My MMs are just like you.. they would never leave their kids.. (well most anyway)... and I would NEVER ask them to.

 

Did your OW asked you to leave your M? If not, why can't you just go on with the A?

 

You probably wrote what most MMs are feeling about their A..

 

I will eventually read this thread.. good luck and stay strong..

[Confused4Now]

Everyone seems to be looking for the answer that fits their own viewpoint.

 

Why not just let BHMM post, and EVERYONE (BS and OW/OM alike) listen rather than try to mold him to fit what you want to hear?

I remembered someone said in a post their mother or grandmother said to their daughter...."if you have to ask the question you already know the answer" I actually do believe that....I think not only does BHMM has to do what's best for him...but what the biggest question...what does he have to do that's the RIGHT thing to do? I know religion has never been mentioned and I don't know if he is a Christian man. But when I made my decisions I wanted to do what was right in God's eyes or what would I do come judgment day. So I ask you BHMM What would God want you to do?

[BB07]

 

Why not just let BHMM post, and EVERYONE (BS and OW/OM alike) listen rather than try to mold him to fit what you want to hear?

 

 

What OWL said........wise words. :)