A MM's perspective

[LostintheMidwest]

BHMM... I totally support you in NOT telling your wife..

 

What would that pain to her bring you and her.. nothing.. except it would ruin any chance for you to work on your M...

 

Not all truth is good to say.. some councillor would discourage you from confessing.. you would hurt her.. and chances are.. your kids would find out.. what good would that bring to the family.. they do not deserve that..

 

Never mind the people who tell you to confess.. they are not in your shoes.. they don't know your story.. your wife.. etc.. (what if your W goes ballistic, in a deep depression, etc..)..

 

Not good.. stand by your beliefs..

 

I completely agree with this. I think telling your W would do more harm than good. But that's just my own opinion.

 

My MM (trying to make him xMM) had this convo before about telling his W. And I told him No. Especially when there are kids. I just think it would hurt more people.

[Confused4Now]

People keep a lot of secrets in their marriages. Do you all tell your spouse about every crush you develop, about your fantasies, about the coworker you flirt with? This is a long way of saying, some things are better left unsaid.

Which is way I talk about boundaries...if you have the proper boundaries and always focus on doing the right things. You won't find yourself in a place where you have to be dishonest. I knew there was something broken inside of me and when I left my marriage I wanted to fix ME and the biggest area where I was lacking was boundaries. It's been a work in progress but I can assure you. I will not step back into a situation with a MW ever again.

[Mimolicious]

MM most certainly Does deserve his Wife. She is his Wife, and He is Hers. And they Deserve their marriage, more than ever.

 

MM has repented, that's what people do. They are sorry for past actions and rebuild their lives. And they Can.

 

(you are quoting a voice of discouragement on here who succeeded in getting an MM to leave his wife and marry her)

 

Yes, that is GEL's story and I don't mean to speak for her but she's still a human being with a bag of skittles of a brain. Meaning that she comes from all angles and her opinions are not as one-sided as people who have lived a "squeaky clean" life. She actually gets my respect.

 

But to clear one thing- You are speaking with someone who's xH left me, his family and home for his OW. So you would think that I'd be with my POM-POM's shouting "give me a B, give me an H, give me an M, M!! B.H.M.M!!!" because he dropped his OW and is staying with this W.

 

MM has repented? Show me where? The doctrine of "Repentance" may variate from one belief system to the next and even thought it is wrong to think that the depth of our repentance is dependent on how bad we make ourselves feel the is something essential that we must do- there are few steps in the process. First, you gotta change your mind, feel sorry for the wrong doing and ask for forgiveness.

 

So how sorry can anyone be sorry for their past actions, without asking for forgiveness? Can't do that without admitting of wrong doing to begin with, can we?!

 

You are bugging if you think anyone here deserves to be in a R, less likely a in a M and running a family with so many hidden lies.

[Owl]

I'm sorry Cactus, can you point me to the post where he said he has repented? I can't find it. I understood that the OW gave up because he put his kids before her and his W.

 

I'd be interested to know if MM here would have been willing to continue the A if the OW had stopped asking for more. My money is on a continued A, so there's no penitence here, IMO. Neither are willing to continue as is, but that's not penitence either. I believe it was jj that called him an "unapologetic MM" and he agreed.

 

As it stands, I see another A on the horizon instead of a reconcilliation.

 

True "repentence" means stopping the action you were doing that hurt others, and seeking their forgiveness for it.

 

He's actually stopped the affair...but has in no way sought forgiveness for the damage he's caused his wife and marriage while conducting the affair.

 

That's one of the myriad of reasons why I consider telling the spouse the truth so critical.

 

By not telling, he may allow his marriage to continue. But the odds of successful RECONCILIATION and REBUILDING of the marriage without telling are very, very low.

 

His relationship with his wife will continue on as it has been...it won't improve and the marriage won't 'heal' from the damage done.

 

Again...I'm not 'dissing' BHMM...simply giving my view on the "to tell or not" question here.

[Angel1111]

No one can be 100% sure EVER that their partner is 100% honest with them.. that goes both ways...

 

NO ONE knows FOR SURE unless they are siamese twins..

 

It's so ridiculous to me that people just don't seem to get that very basic point. Two people in a marriage are still individuals. That means anything can happen outside of your own decisions and choices because no one controls another person. No matter how much a person thinks they're in control, they're not. People like to kid themselves because they want a guarantee in relationships. It just doesn't exist.

[Angel1111]

Is it possible that you do not understand how belittling and rude this is to those of us who have recovered marriages? But it does show how little you understand...

 

No, I don't get at all how that was belittling. I'm saying that if there is nothing at all left between two people in a marriage, sometimes children and history alone can be a true connection. Good grief.

[Owl]

It's so ridiculous to me that people just don't seem to get that very basic point. Two people in a marriage are still individuals. That means anything can happen outside of your own decisions and choices because no one controls another person. No matter how much a person thinks they're in control, they're not. People like to kid themselves because they want a guarantee in relationships. It just doesn't exist.

 

Excellent point. I'm sure this applies as much to the OP/MM relationship as it does to the marriage relationship as well.

 

The real issue is that no one wants to believe that THEIR relationship may fall into this category...until it does, of course.

[greengoddess]

I find it truly odd that other women are actually taking comfort in the fact that he said he loved his ow. Why does that make you ow's feel good. It doesn't matter if he loved her does it? He still wasted 3 years of his ow's life telling her how much he loved her and for what? To dump her for no reason. To kick her to the curb because he loves her?

 

How can that help you? This man actually loved his ow and guess what he STILL didn't leave and she still got dumped even without a dday.

 

Why aren't you ow angry at this man? It doesn't anger you that he loved her and led her on for three years to just throw her away because he has children?

 

Sorry BHMM the only one you love is yourself. You didn't love the ow enough to leave for her or to continue for her. You don't love your wife enough to be honest with her and you haven't loved your kids enough to spend time with them instead of sneaking off with OW. You love you and I pity your wife, your kids and your brokenhearted ow.

[anne1707]

I have to disagree.

 

I do very much love my H and am very happy with him. I am proof that it possible to "get over" the OM and recover the marriage. We are definitely not room mates.

 

You also openly admit that you were lying to your OM.

 

Imo, very different scenarios.

 

 

Why so very different?

 

I did not tell the ex-OM lies. I just let him make incorrect assumptions when he asked me questions about my marriage and when I would leave by just not answering in a very clear or specific way. He assumed that I was unhappy and did not love my H which was wrong.

 

However whether I lied or not to the ex-OM has no bearing whatsoever on the recovery of my marriage. The issue there was that I had lied to my husband, just as BHMM has lied to his wife. Therefore I would say that I am suitably qualified by experience to say that a marriage can recover - but only IF there is true commitment to make it work and honesty between both husband and wife

[TOWinNYC]

With all due respect, what exactly is this "Love" and "Magic" of any good for right about now? **Removing the titles, because this has become total bullshyt how this "love and magic" wants to be thrown around to be for an exclusive elite squad.

 

Please, I would really like to know?!

 

Mim -

What good is love and magic? Boy, if you have to ask that….. I’m really sorry.

 

I don’t know claim to know what BHMM had with his OW - hence, I said it “sounds” like it was magic. Maybe I was wrong and it wasn't. But if it was, I think it’s important for him to know (and everyone else as well) that if you’ve been touched by it once, you know it exists and you can have it again in your life.

 

Who BHMM has that with in the future (W or someone else), well, that’s up to him.

 

Is this making BHMM or anyone in such a facked up situation warm and fuzzy inside? I know that it makes you (in your case), TNYC because you have a different scenario but doesn't seem like whatever the OP feels or had is of any help at this point. On the complete total opposite. Ironically this "love and magic" it's what detonates someone into such broken and puzzled person.

 

I think BHMM is in a really tough spot right now, having made such a momentous decision. He has committed himself to STAYING which is an admirable thing. Please note that I said I hoped he will find that kind of magic with his W again and if not, that he could be content with his decision.

 

Remind me again why telling someone to have hope for the future isn’t “of any help at this point”?

 

Sorry, I would rather be called many other things but not someone that is actually not capable to deliver happiness, magic, love, unicorns and rainbows to myself and those around me due to chasing butterflies.

 

Just like war, what is it good for, absolutely nothing...

 

???? I’m not sure I follow (bolded). Are you just making a reference to the fact that you don't believe in love or magic?

 

P.S. This is completely OT but what does “keeping it gully” mean? (something you said previously)

[Angel1111]

I agree. He needs to seperate from his wife.

 

Talk about duping people. For 3 years you tell your ow you love her than bam ooops sorry my kids come first.

For 3 years you neglect your wife and kids feelings for the ow and then bam oops here I am let's throw a football.

 

Damn...nice. wow

 

I never said he needed to separate from his wife. I don't think he's the villian you're painting here either.

[Angel1111]

Excellent point. I'm sure this applies as much to the OP/MM relationship as it does to the marriage relationship as well.

 

The real issue is that no one wants to believe that THEIR relationship may fall into this category...until it does, of course.

 

It applies to everyone.

[AmIWrong]

[sIZE=2]Great thread! First of all, let me say THANKS to BHMM for having the courage to share your perspective. For the record, I belong to the radical honesty camp, and I think the "I don’t want to cause my family anymore hurt" argument is so lame. I’m not attacking the OP here. I just would really like someone to help me reconcile how these two very different personality traits can exist in one person. Is it really possible for one to be so selfish and so selfless at the same time? The seemingly altruistic behavior involved with such an act of selflessness, i.e. "I won’t do it to ease my own conscience", totally contradicts the egocentrism they’ve already proven by opening themselves up to an affair to begin with. Anyone else see the inconsistency?

[/sIZE]

[BB07]

Greengoddess said.........

I find it truly odd that other women are actually taking comfort in the fact that he said he loved his ow. Why does that make you ow's feel good. It doesn't matter if he loved her does it? He still wasted 3 years of his ow's life telling her how much he loved her and for what? To dump her for no reason. To kick her to the curb because he loves her?

 

Good point and it's true, what happened in the end was the OW probably feels as if she wasted 3 years of her life and is probably very hurt. She is also likely pretty pissed off because he did lead her to believe he was leaving. In the end sadly, it doesn't really matter if he loved her or not, in the grand scheme of things, he is not with her, he is with his wife.

 

On the other hand I can say how BHMM saying he did love his OW gives a certain amount of comfort to those that doubted that the love was real.

I know it sounds like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth, but I get both sides.

[Silly_Girl]

Why so very different?

 

I did not tell the ex-OM lies. I just let him make incorrect assumptions when he asked me questions about my marriage and when I would leave by just not answering in a very clear or specific way. He assumed that I was unhappy and did not love my H which was wrong.

 

However whether I lied or not to the ex-OM has no bearing whatsoever on the recovery of my marriage. The issue there was that I had lied to my husband, just as BHMM has lied to his wife. Therefore I would say that I am suitably qualified by experience to say that a marriage can recover - but only IF there is true commitment to make it work and honesty between both husband and wife

 

Anne, I find this response to be somewhat obtuse on the subject of BHMM's marriage.

 

You lied.

BHMM lied.

 

You wanted to rebuild your M.

BHMM wants to rebuild his M.

 

You owned your actions, confessed to your H, gave your relationship respect and honesty and laid some new foundations.

BHMM plans to uphold his lies for the rest of his life.

 

Of course there is a difference there. That's not to say he has an impossible task, but I think he has an easier ride by avoiding honesty, but he's far less likely to succeed than you, because he's not prepared to front things up.

[greengoddess]

I never said he needed to separate from his wife. I don't think he's the villian you're painting here either.

 

So you feel there is nothing wrong with a man leading 2 women on for three years? There is nothing wrong with that?

 

I would love to see his wife and his ow compare notes of lies. Him telling the wife he has to go out of town on business while he's with the ow. Him telling the ow he is doing a trip with the guys fishing and cell service is difficult at the cabin while he is on a romantic weekend with his wife. Do you have any idea the intricacies of lies that has to be told in this three year period to two women? Including the lies to his kids, sorry johnny I can't make your soccer game I have to go into the office for a few hours on Saturday.

 

If that's not villainous I don't know what is. Ow are now making him seem noble because he said he loves his ow. What is noble about dumping the woman you profess to love for 3 years just because you have children?

[anne1707]

Anne, I find this response to be somewhat obtuse on the subject of BHMM's marriage.

 

You lied.

BHMM lied.

 

You wanted to rebuild your M.

BHMM wants to rebuild his M.

 

You owned your actions, confessed to your H, gave your relationship respect and honesty and laid some new foundations.

BHMM plans to uphold his lies for the rest of his life.

 

Of course there is a difference there. That's not to say he has an impossible task, but I think he has an easier ride by avoiding honesty, but he's far less likely to succeed than you, because he's not prepared to front things up.

 

I really am confused as to why you seem to have a problem with what I am posting. I posted saying a marriage can recover because I objected to those who were saying it could not happen when I know it can. I wanted to show to BHMM that if he does want his marriage then he may be able to save it and be happy with his wife. I did not mention anything about lies in the posts I have made this evening until you raised the subject.

[xxoo]

It's so ridiculous to me that people just don't seem to get that very basic point. Two people in a marriage are still individuals. That means anything can happen outside of your own decisions and choices because no one controls another person. No matter how much a person thinks they're in control, they're not. People like to kid themselves because they want a guarantee in relationships. It just doesn't exist.

 

No kidding myself. Just controlling what I can in my relationship: me.

 

If I keep secrets from my H, I am limiting the depth of our intimacy--and the potential for our joy.

 

If I keep crushes and attractions to myself, I am giving them fertile ground to grow and threaten my M. I know from experience that sharing them with my H takes the "edge" off of them, making them less of a threat to our marriage.

 

I believe BHMM could benefit from considering how his actions (before affair) led to his affair, and if he wants to continue on the same path.

[Silly_Girl]

Ow are now making him seem noble because he said he loves his ow. What is noble about dumping the woman you profess to love for 3 years just because you have children?

 

I'm OW who met a large chorus of 'he NEVER loved you, he used you, you were taken in' etc etc. And that hurt. And I don't believe it, but initially, it hurt.

 

That's where the reassurance comes from.

 

Noble? To lead two women along for 3 years? Nope. My MM? Noble for lying to his wife? Booking 'golf trips' and coming to see me? Not noble at all... sick and wrong. Lying is wrong. Deceit stinks.

 

But I can see how some of us could benefit from seeing it from the 'other side', purely because the LS view is generally very dismissive of feelings between the MP and the AP. It's really only about (attempting to) redress the balance. No one is cheering him on for finding himself in this position, I assure you.

 

That said, I'm still rooting for him, hoping he does the best by the people involved. Well, the best by his wife. He's chosen his wife (over the OW) and I hope he decides to follow that through with the relevant actions.

[greengoddess]

I would think this would give other women all the more reason to run and run fast not reassurance. Here is a man who truly says he loves the ow and what does he do? wastes 3 years of her life. Now the ow is not only heartbroken but probably has a really hard time trusting anyone if smeone who says they love you can hurt you like this. This man is not reassuring for wives or ow. He is reassuring for mm who want to get away with an ffair and never face the truth of the mess they have created in two womens lives and multiple children. SAD.

[Angel1111]

So you feel there is nothing wrong with a man leading 2 women on for three years? There is nothing wrong with that?

 

I would love to see his wife and his ow compare notes of lies. Him telling the wife he has to go out of town on business while he's with the ow. Him telling the ow he is doing a trip with the guys fishing and cell service is difficult at the cabin while he is on a romantic weekend with his wife. Do you have any idea the intricacies of lies that has to be told in this three year period to two women? Including the lies to his kids, sorry johnny I can't make your soccer game I have to go into the office for a few hours on Saturday.

 

If that's not villainous I don't know what is. Ow are now making him seem noble because he said he loves his ow. What is noble about dumping the woman you profess to love for 3 years just because you have children?

 

Villainous is a man who steals 12-yr-old boys, abuses them sexually and then chops them up into liltte pieces. Let's get some perspective here.

 

I don't think the world is black and white, although I know a lot of people like to think it is. People get into affairs for reasons that seem really good at the time (and, no, it's usually not about the sex) - they're exhausted emotionally from yrs of being in a difficult marriage, they've had enough, they feel alone, they tell themselves that they're done with their marriage - all that rot. Then they realize that they really value what they already have, despite their feelings for another person. But the huge mix of emotions can tear a person apart and that's why these relationships are so hard to break away from and why they last for so long. I don't know his exact circumstances and I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out who he is. He knows who he is - that's the important thing. What he did was human. It happens. He's working through it and staying in his marriage. End of story.

[TOWinNYC]

I find it truly odd that other women are actually taking comfort in the fact that he said he loved his ow. Why does that make you ow's feel good.

 

Why do you find it odd?

 

Again and again, the OW on this board hear the endless litany about how the MM doesn’t love her/she’s just a piece on the side etc. And here’s a MM who actually loved his OW and isn’t afraid to ADMIT IT. While he still choose to stay in his M, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he loved/cherished/treasured the OW and she was someone important in his life. Which is why BHMM is struggling right now.

 

Why wouldn’t that be a comfort to OW who are hurting, trying to heal, trying to move on with their lives? To get proof positive that at least in this instance, what they’ve been constantly bombarded with is not the truth?

 

It doesn't matter if he loved her does it? He still wasted 3 years of his ow's life telling her how much he loved her and for what? To dump her for no reason. To kick her to the curb because he loves her?

 

How can that help you? This man actually loved his ow and guess what he STILL didn't leave and she still got dumped even without a dday.

 

It DOES matter that he loved her.

 

And why do you think he “wasted” 3 years of her life? Maybe, it was worth it to her. Maybe, even knowing the outcome she would still have chosen to experience what she had with him. Maybe she doesn’t regret it in the least bit, despite the pain. And he didn’t “dump her for no reason” – he made a decision (his kids) and he’s sticking with it.

 

I think it helps because it allows the OW who really felt loved by their MM to move on, knowing what the bitter brigade says may not "necessarily" be true. That the love was real and they were loved – it just didn’t work out.

[Mimolicious]

Mim -

What good is love and magic? Boy, if you have to ask that….. I’m really sorry.

 

No I am not asking you because I don't know what it is... and don't be sorry. I am very content living my life free of lies and cheaters. Life is what you make it. I said, what good is it for in this very own particular scenario. Remember, you are in the 'best' place you can be considering the circumstances. Just like I am in the best place I can be at this point in life, but I don't think that is all attributed to a feeling. Life is not 100 based on a feeling. We know this...

 

 

I don’t know claim to know what BHMM had with his OW - hence, I said it “sounds” like it was magic. Maybe I was wrong and it wasn't. But if it was, I think it’s important for him to know (and everyone else as well) that if you’ve been touched by it once, you know it exists and you can have it again in your life.

 

Yes, perhaps we can all have that. Wouldn't it be great but as we can read on these boards, news, mags, etc... there is a whole lot more heartache than sole magic.

 

Who BHMM has that with in the future (W or someone else), well, that’s up to him.

 

This is true. For his own sake, I hope he can take few steps back and recollect his life, feelings, thoughts and actions before keeping the charade. It's just the mature thing to do.

 

I think BHMM is in a really tough spot right now, having made such a momentous decision. He has committed himself to STAYING which is an admirable thing. Please note that I said I hoped he will find that kind of magic with his W again and if not, that he could be content with his decision.

 

I'd rather admire him for being honest but we all have different prerogatives. To comit is to be in charge and to give in trust. Hope he works towards rebuilding that within himself.

 

Remind me again why telling someone to have hope for the future isn’t “of any help at this point”?

 

Where in my post did I say that hoping for the future isn't of help at this point? Remind me. Because, what I did say was in total relation to what he felt or had in the past. Not what he is going to have in the future.

 

???? I’m not sure I follow (bolded). Are you just making a reference to the fact that you don't believe in love or magic?

 

And you get to know what I feel or believe in because? So yes, you didn't follow. My mind doesn't operate on cookie-cutter mode, I am actually capable of thinking in different languages!

Let's isolate what I said to precisely this OP. This makes no '"reference" to any fact that you may want to illustrate towards me.

In other words, this is your opinion towards the person you think I am, not a fact babygirl.

 

Sorry, I would rather be called many other things but not someone that is actually not capable to deliver happiness, magic, love, unicorns and rainbows to myself and those around me due to chasing butterflies.

 

At this given moment- Happiness, magic, love, etc.... (as mentioned above) is being felt by how many people in this triangle?

Kinda short-lived and yet most likely will cause long lasting less attractive feelings to all involved. So sad that such a wonderful feeling gets lost in translation...

 

P.S. This is completely OT but what does “keeping it gully” mean? (something you said previously)

 

"Kepping it gully"- Street term for keeping it real or raw. Surprised you don't know the term if you tow where you tow. (keeping the gps off the subject! LOL!)

[Angel1111]

No kidding myself. Just controlling what I can in my relationship: me.

 

If I keep secrets from my H, I am limiting the depth of our intimacy--and the potential for our joy.

 

If I keep crushes and attractions to myself, I am giving them fertile ground to grow and threaten my M. I know from experience that sharing them with my H takes the "edge" off of them, making them less of a threat to our marriage.

 

I believe BHMM could benefit from considering how his actions (before affair) led to his affair, and if he wants to continue on the same path.

 

Everybody has their own level of what they believe is 'necessary honesty'. If I were married to someone like you, it would annoy me. And I don't mean that as a slap against you, it just means that I don't want that level of honesty. I don't think it's necessary and I don't require it. But someone like me would probably drive someone like you nuts because you would think I'm overly secretive. I think most people marry people who understand or match those levels of honesty. It's possible that BH's wife would agree with him that he should just keep quiet about the affair and they can all move on.

[jwi71]

I just registered on LS yesterday but I’ve been lurking on and off for a few years. I see so many posts on here from OW wondering about what their MM is thinking, doing, feeling, why he said this and then did that, etc. Well, I’m a MM who ended my A of 3+ years about 3 months ago, because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my kids. It’s been 11 weeks of NC since then, and I’m heartbroken. I’m doing worse now than I was a month ago. Every day seems harder and harder to go on. Someone compared the getting over the end of an A to mourning a death, and right now that seems about right.

 

I won’t go into the details of how the A started, but suffice it to say we had an amazing connection on every level, like nothing either of us had ever experienced before, and it was addictive and all-consuming, and it was real love. I tried to leave my M several times, and could never bring myself to fully do it. I wanted to pursue a life with OW and give us a real chance, but I didn’t for several reasons. The biggest of which was that I couldn’t get past the guilt I know I’d feel causing my kids the pain that a separation/D. There were money issues too, and I wondered how all of this would affect the R with OW once we were in the “real world”. I told her this multiple times, that I was concerned that I’d bring so much stress and guilt into our R that it would affect us. There were also cultural/ethnic differences that we both worried about (how would each others’ families accept us, etc.). And though this was my first and only A during my 10+ year M, it wasn’t the first time I had been unfaithful in a relationship (and from early on, I told OW everything about my past), so I think some small part of me feared that I would eventually cheat again (according to LS knowledge, this is what we MMs do).

 

I never lied to OW about my feelings about her, our R, or my M,. Sometimes when we’d talk about our future it would feel like anything’s possible, and we could get through whatever would come, together. Being with her and sharing visions of a future together seemed to fuel a confidence that we’d get through whatever would come. I honestly felt those feelings, deeply and sincerely. But then reality would hit, and I’d be putting my kids to bed at night and thinking about trying to explain to them why Daddy is leaving, picturing them growing up without me around full-time, maybe eventually being raised by another man, and suffering through difficult childhoods because of the emotional turmoil and financial strain caused by me… and the idea of all this tore me up continually. I finally had to end things because I knew I couldn’t go through with a D and was wasting OW’s time. It was brutally hard to end things with her, and after 11 weeks I still spend time every day completely torn up. We gave each other our hearts, and it was amazing, and yet sometimes I wonder if we would’ve been better off having never met. I honestly wish her the best and hope she finds someone to share a life with, but it kills me to think of her moving on, even though I know that’s how it has to be. I'm now trying to repair what's left of my M, and provide a happy stable life for my kids.

 

I hope this helps give some perspective on things from an MM’s point of view. Feel free to ask me whatever questions you want and I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.

 

Some OW read this and find HOPE. A pointless validation of waiting...because, you see, some MM really DO care. You see...right here, in black and white, a MM who LOVED his OW. Truly and deeply. A magic connection he did not have with his W.

 

Some BS read this and find their worst FEAR. That their WS can stray and truly love the OW. The ultimate betrayal. A PA is bad enough but one we can endure...but to know they shared a deep intimate emotional bond. To know they discussed being together...raising the kids together. Heart wrenching.

 

What is lost on both is a sad and simple fact. That the MM (or MW) is cowardly and self-centered in the extreme. Choosing the easy way - the way most expeditious to himself and at that moment. He loves the OW...but not enough. He loves the W..but not enough. He loves his kids...but not enough. He loves himself most of all.

 

I find it odd that having children doesn't PREVENT one from having an A...it only prevents YOU from leaving...or truly staying...in the M. I find it despicable a MM would use his children as shields against whatever it is within himself he cannot face.

 

"I don't have the guts to leave so I'll use the children as an excuse"

"I don't have the courage to recommit so I'll stay for the kids".

 

Disgusting. Cowardly in the extreme...to hide behind ones own children.

 

And, to speak more directly to the OP,this is what you have done. Even worse, per your own admission you tried to leave several times. Do you believe that is a healthy family environment...when the kids wonder why daddy left again and if he comes back this time? I wonder what lies you told the OW when you went back home? And what did you tell your wife?

Certainly not the whole truth. Again...its cowardice. You string along the OW and the W and your kids to suit YOU. These are people not puppets. More perverse still...this is supposed to be your family, the ones you protect and cherish above all others. Or the OW with whom you have a true and deep love.

 

Does the callousness of how he treats BOTH not resonate here? Of how one becomes disposable in the company of the other?

 

Stop twisting this to support your "side" and look at the actions of a MM who picks neither but himself. Repeatedly. And without remorse to anyone but HIMSELF.

 

There is no hope for the OW here...he has said he never lost the bond with the W. That the BIGGEST reason was the kids - but not the only reason. The MM lies about the true depth and nature of the R with his W. He is not 100% committed to you or the fantasy future. He lies.

 

There is validation of the FEAR for BS here. Yes, the MM lies about the depth and nature of the A to you. Yes they are not 100% committed to you either. He might not even be back FOR you as it is for this poor W. He lies yet again.

 

100% committed to themselves. With loyalties and loves shifting like the winds. Always uncertain and afraid of SOMETHING (its individual to the MM/MW this driver). Never facing it...always finding another reason to not "man up". Instead, he'll stay for the kids. Or won't leave for the kids. ITs an excuse. Whatever is broken in you will remain so until you face it.

 

But you cannot...because that requires being honest with YOU. Your W. Your kids. Your families. Your OW.

 

Instead...you'll ignore me. You have already established the pattern of cheat, sweep it away and repeat. You'll do so again I'm sure. To the next unsuspecting OW with whom you share "magic". Its the cycle of your life - one dominated by fear.

 

My advice is to break that cycle. IC. Loads of it now. Then maybe MC. I would certainly suggest disclosure to your W. You won't. Too afraid. You'll back in this spot yet again. How many times is it now? Care to get off this merry-go-round? Then do so.