A MM's perspective

[Confused4Now]

What if this were to happen.....your wife did find out about the affair and kick BHMM out of the house and started divorce papers.

 

The question is would he go back to his OW? and how would BHMM spin the story? I'm certain in his favor.

[Ellin]

AMEN to that...being on the waiting end of 5 years almost. Also starting out as a MM and now a OM I do know exactly how she feels. I can't count how many times she broke my heart finally got to a point where I was numb.....anything she did never surprised me anymore. I hope OW does have support from family and friends. I know what it almost did to me....

 

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I know what this sort of hurt can do. People who went through this and survived and are ok after all can congratulate themselves on their strength and integrity.

 

Best of luck.

[White Flower]

Please read this and pay special attention to a person named "stampdaddy."

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=223067

Just letting y'all know that Stamps still reads here even though he doesn't post anymore. He says hi y'all.

[White Flower]

I find it truly odd that other women are actually taking comfort in the fact that he said he loved his ow. Why does that make you ow's feel good. It doesn't matter if he loved her does it? He still wasted 3 years of his ow's life telling her how much he loved her and for what? To dump her for no reason. To kick her to the curb because he loves her?

 

How can that help you? This man actually loved his ow and guess what he STILL didn't leave and she still got dumped even without a dday.

 

Why aren't you ow angry at this man? It doesn't anger you that he loved her and led her on for three years to just throw her away because he has children?

 

Sorry BHMM the only one you love is yourself. You didn't love the ow enough to leave for her or to continue for her. You don't love your wife enough to be honest with her and you haven't loved your kids enough to spend time with them instead of sneaking off with OW. You love you and I pity your wife, your kids and your brokenhearted ow.

Well, I've already stated that it wouldn't necessarily comfort me entirely but I will answer the questions since you keep asking it.

 

I have broken up with MM a few times, taking very short breaks between reconciliation. During those times I told myself he must hate me and not think of me very often but he would always come back to tell me how he shed a tear when that blasted band played our song or couldn't enjoy a party and his friends kept asking him if anything was wrong. Even his W became suspicious during one of our breakups and that is when she began investigating him so I know what he told me wasn't hogwash.

 

On some level, it is comforting to know we are not forgotten after a breakup and I believe this is BHMM's intention, to anonymously bring comfort to his exOW. At least he isn't cruel even though he left her.

 

And he didn't necessarily waste three years of her life either. I'm in a place right now where I could very easily make such a statement, and have MM feeling very guilty, but the truth is it takes two people to make a R and I have choices everyday whether to get involved and stay involved. I have to blame myself as well for getting into it. As much pain as I feel, I still don't regret having this loving experience. Not all Rs lead to M and a future, even when our hearts are deeply invested. If love only came with this kind of assurance but sadly it only seems to come with M and rarely is that a success.

 

~shaking my head in absolute confusion that the ow are fine with him choosing his wife when he is in love with his ow~

 

Hopefully he will forget to log out and his wife will see this thread.

I'm not necessariy fine with him chosing is W because his choice doesn't involve any bad reflection on the OW. He, in his mind, simply wants to do the right thing according to the values he grew up with and clearly believes in. Even if my values differ, I can respect his choices. (And maybe try to convince him otherwise;))

AMEN to that...being on the waiting end of 5 years almost. Also starting out as a MM and now a OM I do know exactly how she feels. I can't count how many times she broke my heart finally got to a point where I was numb.....anything she did never surprised me anymore. I hope OW does have support from family and friends. I know what it almost did to me....

I hear you C4N, and could post the same post word for word except for the genders.

[bentnotbroken]

Just letting y'all know that Stamps still reads here even though he doesn't post anymore. He says hi y'all.

 

 

Love the Stamp man.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm just not sure about this issue and doesn't seem so clear-cut to me. Not in every case of infidelity, but in some I believe it is better for everyone involved, and kinder, to keep it secret. An example would be of a ONS, after which the WS is full of regret and remorse and never wants to do it again. When something's entirely in the past and the culprit is working hard on making amends it might be better to carry on than hurting many people with the truth of what's done and gone and disrupting their lives.

 

It is then the "cheater" who has a problem, be it having to split up with someone they love or wrestle with their conscience. They have to live with the emotional consequences and in this way they're being punished, but the innocent party is spared the hurt.

 

I've heard of spouses, usually W from what I recall, who stated that they would prefer not to be told about their H's A because as long as he wasn't leaving they were more comfortable in the M than out of it, and if they were told they would have to do something about it.

 

In case of OP his W clearly knows that something's going on and no doubt thought about the possibility of him loving someone else have entered her mind, but when they talked about separating she cried and said she didn't want it. Maybe she's one of these people who want to carry on hoping that bad times will pass and everything will be ok again, maybe staying as a family unit is most important to her and volunteering all the hurtful details would not overall lead to better outcome for her and their children.

 

 

Uh-Huh:confused: I truly believe most poeple want to live a lie for the rest of their lives. And maybe she wants someone who does love her, who hasn't exchanged bodily fluids with someone else or just really good foreplay. No one will ever know unless she knows first.

[bentnotbroken]

I have no idea what God would want; I can barely figure out how to get through my own day.

 

It's a difficult question. The quick and easy answer is to admit the A to my W because, hey, everyone should always be completely honest with their spouse and tell them everything. People can justify it all they want, saying she deserves to know, and make a fully informed decision about whether to continue our M. And maybe there is some truth to that. But I still subscribe to the notion that bringing that pain to her is just not worth it. Destroy her so I can say, "we're completely honest with each other", and so I have a slightly clearer conscience? The cost-benefit is way out of whack. People keep a lot of secrets in their marriages. Do you all tell your spouse about every crush you develop, about your fantasies, about the coworker you flirt with? This is a long way of saying, some things are better left unsaid. This is my cross to bear. And people can and will disagree with that line of thinking. We all have to live our lives to the best of our abilities within the confines of our own minds and souls.

 

(That wasn't all directed at you Confused, it just came out, spurred by your question.)

 

 

Yes, yes and I didn't flirt with anyone, I was married. But you aren't the first to say you won't tell. Do you think it is out of fear she won't choose you? You say it is to spare her feelings, and you may believe that, but isn't more about covering yours and ow's behinds.

[breaking_bad]

He already admitted that he had made promises to her which he couldn't keep. He said that at the time he genuinely believed he could keep them but then it turned out too difficult. I can imagine it to be true.

 

However, I really feel for this OW. She must have loved him so much, spend 3+ years waiting and hoping, tried NC several times but couldn't keep away and then got cut off, even though it was so hard for her to accept that. She must be completely heart-broken. I hope she's getting loads of support and has started to feel better.

 

There is something about this bolded statement that drives me bananas.

 

(not the poster of course, because she is beautiful, just the statement )

 

My xMM said this at the end, something like "you should understand that at the time, I really felt like I could do it, I even was planning when..."

 

I was speechless at the idea. And furthermore, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD'S UP THEN BUDDY??? Like my god, how long were you keeping that little turn of events to yourself?

 

When that kind of statement is associated with a grown adult, it makes my ears bleed. It just sounds like something my 16 year old would say. "Gosh mom, at the time I really wanted to get to that homework, but as it turns out, I just couldn't ...."

 

And all I know is that I don't miss a deadline at work without explaining myself, so this one is just impossible for me to digest if you're not below the age of 7....

[Mimolicious]

Yes, this is the situation and it is sad. But what is the point in constantly summing it up with the focus on how tragic it is? Does it make you so sad that you can't get over it?

 

It's happened and this MM's sharing it with us. Just like it happens in life. We all wish life was a fairy tale when two perfectly matched people meet, fall madly in love that lasts forever and live happily ever after, but it isn't.

 

He's now trying to make amends. And the division between posters in regard to what is the best way to go about it shows that in case of complicated situations like this there are no simple and obvious answers.

 

What's your point? (bold) Or is this simply a personal attack? I "need to get over it"? What's exaactly do I need to get over? Or now you get dictate what I can feel "so sad" for 1 nanosecond about? Just asking...

 

I am sure that if I would have said "Fack the OW" WHOOHOO!!! His BS is the baddest bitch!" the attitude would have been the same. Yet, we are the same people that say in "love and war all is fair" but I recall many saying that the point was fighting to win. Who exactly is winning on this one? Just wondering...

 

Second bold part-uuummm... according to many posters here, yes, it does happen. Some of us been there once upon a time. Some woke up living a life full of lies (MM's W's and even OW). It is what it is... but one must OWN IT. Denial is the first step towards recovery.

 

And to think, some of us look outside the box to find the solution to our problems, yet all we did was complicate things further. If we only knew then...

 

In reality, if anyone in this situation in fact wanted what was best for all. They would be alone and not dragging other people into their dark-room.

BHMM. Make yourself better or else you may seriously crash and burn.

Wish you luck.

[bentnotbroken]

~shaking my head in absolute confusion that the ow are fine with him choosing his wife when he is in love with his ow~

 

Hopefully he will forget to log out and his wife will see this thread.

 

 

One can only pray. Then she will have a say in her life.

[turnstone]

Responding to individual posts today to up my post count so I can PM.

 

 

 

 

I agree with some of this -- you pretty well described what I'm feeling at the moment. Though I don't feel like I "may as well still be having the affair" - I couldn't waste any more of OW's time, and I'm already home more and more present here than I've been the past 3+ years. Even though I'm not full-on blasting through the reconciliation, I'm slowly moving in that direction. I like to think that's progress.

I understand that, but your mindset hasn't really changed it seems and until you make a conscious decision to have a healthy marriage, any action you take isn't going to be sincere and therefore I don't believe will work, especially long term, hence my 'you may as well still be in the affair'. I should've added 'mentally at least'.

 

It may be a case of 'fake it 'til you make it', but I don't believe that that works in a circumstance like this where there is more than one party to the problem and that second party isn't aware of it.

 

As I've said, just redirecting all the energy and attention I used to put ito the A, back into my M and onto my W.

You have said that, but as I've asked, what tangible things are you doing? Got anything concrete you can give as an example? I'd like to see what things you're doing to know if they're actually beneficial. I mean, just coming home from work earlier is nice and all, but on its own isn't going to be beneficial if it means that you expect her to be available for meeting your needs earlier.

 

I'm not sure I've considered that, that is something I will have to look into. Right now I can't see that happening, but I know how everyone can be vulnerable, especially someone with my history, so I am open to suggestions.

Well, making that conscious decision to reconnect with your wife will be a good start I guess. But maybe discussing with her what either of you would do if that happens to either of you and undertaking to tell the other if it does, would also be a way forward. What do you think?

 

I can understand that viewpoint, but I'm not going to tell W about it.

 

For fear she will leave you? It sounds obvious, but I can't assume that's the reason.

[BHMM]

BHMM, since you have decided to stay, I think you need to ask yourself: What kind of marriage do I want with my wife?

 

Do you want the same sort of "good enough" marriage that resulted in you having an affair?

 

Or do you want a real love affair with your wife?

 

If you want the real love affair, you need a whole "new" marriage. You need to start from scratch, with honesty, openness, and a desire for true intimacy. That starts with being honest about the affair.

 

If you want the marriage to survive, but don't care if it truly thrives, you may be better off not telling. But I believe you will continue to be vulnerable to affairs with a continuation of that level of (non)intimacy.

Right now I'd settle for good enough, and trust that I won't let myself get into another A. Eventually, a real love affair with my W would be great, but that seems like a long way down the road based on where I feel I am right now. But I'm not ruling it out.

 

Great post WWIU.

 

BH you have given us a rare opportunity by posting. So many men who have affairs fit your "profile" they dont get caught, they stay in their marriages and try to make the best of it. But few of them post, hence the incredible interest in your thread.

 

If you were remorseful you would get a lot of support. You are to coin a phrase an "unapologetic MM". And its interesting to hear your thought process.

 

As for your being absent in the marriage, people are mentally absent all the time due to jobs, hobbies etc. And like an A, those are for the lucky, that is a choice (eg., you dont have to be MD of a big bank, you dont have to be the best golfer or tennis player etc). The difference is you checked out with someone else and had an EA/PA which breaks more "rules".

 

Curious as to how you are going to handle your ennui? And I say that assuming there must have been some degree of ennui or the A would never have happened. Im fond of saying people learn to keep it zipped in kindergarten, finding love with the OW in and of itself doesnt cause you to have an A. Im sure you have successfully resisted temptation in the past.

 

You havent yet regained your passion for your marriage and open question whether you will. For your sake I hope you do otherwise its a very lonely road you have chosen for both you and your wife. Its not uncommon for people in your situation to find new ways of distracting themselves from the marriage that they are fighting so hard not to leave.

You're right, I guess I am unapologetic. I hadn't really thought about that. It's true though.

 

Yes, I have resisted temptation in the past. That's what I can't figure out, why this time with OW I didn't.

 

Re: ennui, I'm just trying to throw myself back into old hobbies and interests I have neglected. (And obviously my W and M.)

 

Thanks for the thoughts. I hope I can regain the passion in the M too.

 

BHMM-

Wow, I don't check in on LS for a few days and a thread like this mushrooms up!

 

First, I would ALSO like to thank you for starting this thread. I read the whole thing and your original post provides a much needed perspective here on the OW/OM forum.

 

Even someone like me, who knows to my core that my SO loves me – gets a little rattled hearing the incessant, perpetual yammering of “he doesn’t love you, you’re just a piece of a**” nasty mantra that gets doled out around here (even when it’s not directed towards me).

 

So I can imagine how much worse it must be for all the OW who are hurting and trying to heal and move on with their lives to have to hear the bitter brigade spout off. It’s important, I think, for them to realize there are MM who really LOVED their OW….and they just couldn’t leave. While your situation isn’t everybody else’s, it still shows that there was one OW who was truly loved and cherished and important in the life of a MM.

 

Please ignore the people who don’t think you’re “real” – you and I both know why things like that are said. God forbid a MM actually LOVE their OW from the bottom of their heart!

 

As for those hammering into you about “specifics of what you’re doing to make your M better”….well, it’s just my two cents but I think you should ignore those post for now. Like you said, it should be good enough that you’ve done the right thing, ended the A and you’re there with your family. For now.

 

Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds to me like you had what I call “the magic” with your OW. My sincerest hope for you is that you’ll be able to find the same kind of magic with your W someday – and if not, that the choices you have made will be enough for you in the future.

 

Good luck.

Thanks TOWinNYC, I really appreciated you posting. I feel like ending the A and being here and trying to fix things at home is a lot right now too. I'm doing what I can for now. I assume things will get easier and I'll be more motivated to do more as time passes, and memories of OW fade.

 

OW and I absolutely, undoubtedly had "the magic". I don't expect to find get that back with W, since she and I never had it, but our M can be good and she can be happy without it.

 

Thanks again for posting.

 

MM most certainly Does deserve his Wife. She is his Wife, and He is Hers. And they Deserve their marriage, more than ever.

 

MM has repented, that's what people do. They are sorry for past actions and rebuild their lives. And they Can.

 

(you are quoting a voice of discouragement on here who succeeded in getting an MM to leave his wife and marry her)

Thanks for this.

 

I found this helpful.

 

http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1820942,00.html

Wow, very interesting read, especially the advice about not revealing the A to the spouse. Thanks for posting!

 

Yes, definitely, and I wouldn't want to be in a M that didn't share. But that's just what works for us. I can understand other people preferring a less intimate M, but settling for an M with deceit is giving up a lot. I both want to be loved for who I actually am and want to know that the person I love is who I think they are. BHMM, it sounds like you have decided that both you and your W have to settle for not having this kind of love.

We've never had that kind of super-open relationship anyway.

It sounds like you stopped really loving your W once you started deceiving her and I imagine it is going to be pretty tough trying to regenerate those feelings of love while continuing to deceive her. The kind of M you could have without deceit is now dead and I don't see how something as good (never mind, better) can be built on continuing deceit.

Yes, that is exactly what happened, my feelings for my W decreased in as my feelings for OW grew. I still think there's a chance for regrowth, even without telling my W about the A. I may be wrong, but that's the path I'm going to follow.

[turnstone]

Damn! I hadn't realised how much this thread had moved on since I last posted, please disregard my last post OP, you don't seem like you really want support in rebuilding your marriage.

[BHMM]

I'm sorry Cactus, can you point me to the post where he said he has repented? I can't find it. I understood that the OW gave up because he put his kids before her and his W.

 

I'd be interested to know if MM here would have been willing to continue the A if the OW had stopped asking for more. My money is on a continued A, so there's no penitence here, IMO. Neither are willing to continue as is, but that's not penitence either. I believe it was jj that called him an "unapologetic MM" and he agreed.

 

As it stands, I see another A on the horizon instead of a reconcilliation.

Right, I never claimed repentance. I said I ended the A.

 

No, I wasn't willing to continue under those circumstances. She offered that and I said no.

[BHMM]

please disregard my last post OP, you don't seem like you really want support in rebuilding your marriage.

That's not necessarily true. Are you saying that because I'm not going to tell my W about the A? I guess if that's the bedrock of your rebuilding advice, then you may be right.

 

Though Owl offered a nice list of tips that started with telling my W, and even though I'm disregarding that (and he knows it), I'm still using what's useful to me.

 

Anyway, I'm reading every post, and I'm willing to listen to anyone's thoughts.

[BHMM]

That said, I'm still rooting for him, hoping he does the best by the people involved. Well, the best by his wife. He's chosen his wife (over the OW) and I hope he decides to follow that through with the relevant actions.

Thank you SG.

 

I think it helps because it allows the OW who really felt loved by their MM to move on, knowing what the bitter brigade says may not "necessarily" be true. That the love was real and they were loved – it just didn’t work out.

Thanks for understanding.

[terrific]

BHMM...I have asked myself why now why him at least a thousand times. I still to this day have no idea and quit asking. Pointless.

[BHMM]

Alot of OMM/OMW LOVE each other. Doesn't mean that all of those affairs end with - Walking off into the sunset, hand in hand & live Happily Ever After. (lord knows that's not how mine ended & Yes, we were VERY MUCH in love)

 

Just means that when they do end - it takes longer to get past them, forget the other person & concentrate on what's important, what already exists in ones life - Marriage & Kids.

Yep, my thoughts exactly.

 

Not that I would find it terribly comforting as an OW who stumbled across this thread and thought maybe it was my exMM, I see where BHMM's intentions lie.

 

During the A I'm sure he tried to be good to both BW and OW as much as it was possible. Why then can't he try to be as good to both now after the breakup? As a BW, one who knows your H did love the OW but dumped her for you anyway, can't you understand that it is possible for him to rebuild his M while mourning the death of his A? He can't just turn off the feelings even though he turned his back on OW. It takes time and it will happen but for now he wants to bring comfort to her even if she doesn't know it is him. And the chances of her actually finding LS and discovering this thread are very nill.

Thanks WF, you really get it.

 

I wouldn't say anyone was blown out of the water by this story, but then I haven't ever commented on monkey sex either . To be fair, whatever he felt for the OW, it wasn't enough to leave his W for, and I am surprised that things like financial concerns was one of the reasons given for not leaving (in addition to bringing issues into the R, thinking it might not work out, and also worries about cheating on the OW in future, which also surprised me). I would happily swap everything I own for the chance to be with my fiance (I am already with him, but you know what I mean). I am happy to take any difficulties, disagreements, or whatever, that come our way, as we'll face them together. So I don't think any of these things are legitimate concerns.

That may have been the case in your life, but in my situation they were legitimate concerns.

 

I do get his worries about his kids though, and kudos to him for ending the A when he realized he wasn't going to leave. But I think it is a false economy - the W gets a man who wants someone else, and the kids get a father who cheated on their mom, and wants another woman more than their mom. I can't see how that is the best case scenario.

I never claimed it was best-case, but I still think keeping the kids in a stable environment and the family intact is pretty close.

 

I think it's good that some OW/OM have found some sense of peace in knowing that they were not crazy in feeling what they felt. I suppose it's kind of like finding out the truth of who killed you before you died.

Wow, nice analogy!

 

 

(and this is in no way meant to be judgemental. I think that the majority of human beings are selfish. I know I am in alot of ways selfish and impulsive, and I believe that if I would have been less, I never would have ended up in my situation. When I look at the investment I put towards the A (mental investment where i wasn't "present" or physical time away) that I could have been putting towards my son, my parents, other people important in my life that needed me, it's not something I'm very proud of, and this is one of the focuses of my reparations now that I'm out of this A.

Same here. The time and attention I could've paid to my kids during those years, because of my selfishness, is time I'll never get back. And that is a bitter pill to swallow.

[BHMM]

BHMM...I have asked myself why now why him at least a thousand times. I still to this day have no idea and quit asking. Pointless.

I hear ya. It happened and it's over and we have to move on. But the thoughts rattling around over & over in your head, the odd memories popping up randomly, the visions and voices at night when you close your eyes... God, will that ever stop?

 

terrific, how long was your A? How long have you been in NC?

 

Here's to a better tomorrow, for both of us...

[terrific]

Pay for the PM, and I will tell you all about it.

[White Flower]

Great thread! First of all, let me say THANKS to BHMM for having the courage to share your perspective. For the record, I belong to the radical honesty camp, and I think the "I don’t want to cause my family anymore hurt" argument is so lame. I’m not attacking the OP here. I just would really like someone to help me reconcile how these two very different personality traits can exist in one person. Is it really possible for one to be so selfish and so selfless at the same time? The seemingly altruistic behavior involved with such an act of selflessness, i.e. "I won’t do it to ease my own conscience", totally contradicts the egocentrism they’ve already proven by opening themselves up to an affair to begin with. Anyone else see the inconsistency?

While it may be inconsistent to those who don't behave this way it IS very much consistent with cheating MM. Jennie-jennie would probably insert something here about the split-self which she is an expert at explaining but hasn't yet that I've noticed. I'll PM her with this link.

 

 

Love the Stamp man.

And the Stamp man loves you.

Thanks WF, you really get it.

 

You're welcome. Thank you for opening up. You're a rare gem around here.

[pureinheart]

Hi BHMM,

 

I am really glad you posted a thread, you caused those who watch from a distance that didn't communicate to mostlikely feel a bit better about themselves by being human, this would concern OM/OW, WS's and a few BS's.

 

Thank you for having as much class as you do...I don't want the other posters to misunderstand my next statement, although feel very led to communicate it (this is my belief only)...I know that my heart is evil beyond repair, and that really I deserve nothing, BUT I was bought with a price, and because of Jesus I deserve everything because He says I do...it's because of Him that I am anything at all.

 

You DO deserve your W, and she deserves you and I wish you and your family every good thing under the sun...be in peace, and after all is said, noone really knows your sitch but you and your W.

 

We're all broken people, some will admit it and some won't.

 

I sensed you have to do what you are doing...I am of the opinion that God is in control, so if your M is meant to be it will come to pass...bottom line is you are doing the right thing, not only for you, although for all concerned which is in fact unselfish.

 

There are some people that have to dig into every little detail and know everything in order to survive, that is their deal of course...I don't, I already know what I need to for today...I'm one of those people that doesn't care...your W I think is the same, and I would venture to say she already does know about the A, and I bet you know a few things about her too!

 

(((((((((((BHMM)))))))))))

[BHMM]

Of course, if he was honest with his W, he might no longer get what he wants as she might want him gone. Doesn't seem like he will take that risk.

I'm not worried that she would want me gone. It has nothing to do with "taking that risk". I ended the A and am trying rebuild the M. There is no purpose in telling her and hurting her like that.

 

You seem to like telling others what they feel and think. This is quite rude IMO. Only he knows what's in his mind and heart and he says he places his children above all else - in the final count of things. This is a good thing and shows selflessness and not selfishness in this regard. Just because he had an A in the first place does not automatically negate that he values his children that much and is capable of putting them first, so you have no factual basis for your condemning interpretation of his motives.

Thanks for understanding Ellin.

 

He already admitted that he had made promises to her which he couldn't keep. He said that at the time he genuinely believed he could keep them but then it turned out too difficult. I can imagine it to be true.

Spot on.

 

However, I really feel for this OW. She must have loved him so much, spend 3+ years waiting and hoping, tried NC several times but couldn't keep away and then got cut off, even though it was so hard for her to accept that. She must be completely heart-broken. I hope she's getting loads of support and has started to feel better.

This is what kills me. She has no one to go to for support becuase no one in her life knew about the A (as far as I know). I'm broken-hearted for her in this regard too. And it's this thought that starts tempting me to break NC... which I know I can't do.

 

Hey people, I have to work during the days, slow down the postings on the interesting threads. I'm at page 17. And I want to post while my thoughts are in my head (I'm feel drained from work) and not floating off in lala land.

 

Alright here are my thoughts, sorry if I repeat anyone.

 

BHMM - I still struggle from the idea of someone staying with me because I'm the mom. I struggled for about a year maybe it was two years with feeling like that was all I was....mom and sometimes whore to my husband's needs (this was during what I call the bad years). I lost ME. Crazycat was gone and darned if I knew where she was. And here you are, staying with her not because who she is, but what she is. That hits me as wrong on so many levels. So that's my problem coming at this from the wife's side of things.

 

On to the kid side of things. I would gladly kill for my kids, I would gladly die for my kids, if my dying saves them, I would do it in a heartbeat, shoot, if there is just a minute chance that my dying would save then I would do it. But what I won't do is stop living for my kids. I have done that, I did that for those bad years. I was suicidal in the middle of it because I didn't know me. My marriage almost disolved because I didn't know me, my H didn't know me, the kids didn't know me.

 

Living for the kids isn't healthy. While I do not think parents should put their needs first all the time, stopping living for the kids isn't the same thing. Its not healthy for kids, its a horrid role model for them as well.

 

I guess I could admire wanting to save the marriage for the sake of your wife for the love that you do still have for her, even if you aren't in love with her and feel more friendship then lust. I can't admire wanting to stay for the kids for what I meantioned above.

 

You are going to do what you are going to do. Since you are going this way, you can't just give attention to your wife and expect it to make things better. You must find the love for your wife again. You must find the lust for her, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. You must be able to share everything with her that you shared with your former other woman. And I understand, and actually do flip flop back and forth on agreeing, with not telling her about the affair. But everything else must be an open book to your wife. This includes telling her about the lack of connection you feel you have. Wanting to reignite the connection. Wanting to know her as more then simply your children's mother.

 

Otherwise, if you can't do that, get out now.

 

CCL

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, CCL. I've read your post 3 times and I really appreciate all the advice.

 

What if this were to happen.....your wife did find out about the affair and kick BHMM out of the house and started divorce papers.

 

The question is would he go back to his OW? and how would BHMM spin the story? I'm certain in his favor.

I don't know what would happen. I'd still want to keep it together for the kids. But if she found out tomorrow and really wanted a D, I would go back to OW.

 

Yes, yes and I didn't flirt with anyone, I was married. But you aren't the first to say you won't tell. Do you think it is out of fear she won't choose you? You say it is to spare her feelings, and you may believe that, but isn't more about covering yours and ow's behinds.

It honestly is to spare her feelings. And I'm pretty sure she would still choose me. It's not about covering anyone's behinds. I ended the A and am recommitted to the M. There is no point in brutal honesty that would only crush her.

[LifesontheUp]

I don't know what would happen. I'd still want to keep it together for the kids. But if she found out tomorrow and really wanted a D, I would go back to OW.

 

Nowhere in any of your posts do you show what specific ACTIONS other than spending more time at home with your wife and kids you are going to get this marriage back on track.

 

In fact your answer if your wife found out and wanted a divorce was to go back to OW

 

You don't know why you had the affair so what happens when the next OW comes along that you cannot leave alone?

 

Seriously, you need therapy. A 3+ yr affair isn't something that can be brushed under the carpet or the cracks papered over.

 

And by the way, I'm not your OW. I truly hope she never finds your thread to see how callous you are in that if your wife didn't want you then you would go back to her, like she was 2nd choice.

[NoIDidn't]

Nowhere in any of your posts do you show what specific ACTIONS other than spending more time at home with your wife and kids you are going to get this marriage back on track.

 

In fact your answer if your wife found out and wanted a divorce was to go back to OW

 

You don't know why you had the affair so what happens when the next OW comes along that you cannot leave alone?

 

Seriously, you need therapy. A 3+ yr affair isn't something that can be brushed under the carpet or the cracks papered over.

 

And by the way, I'm not your OW. I truly hope she never finds your thread to see how callous you are in that if your wife didn't want you then you would go back to her, like she was 2nd choice.

 

Yeah, I agree. Because from what I have read here, the OW doesn't believe herself to be secondary to the marital relationship AND she doesn't want to be the default choice (no woman does, really).