A MM's perspective

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what would happen. I'd still want to keep it together for the kids. But if she found out tomorrow and really wanted a D, I would go back to OW.

 

By default, by your wife's hands. NOT because you "chose" the OW.

 

If your wife divorced you, I would hope that you'd consider counseling and be alone for a long time before jumping into any type of relationship, let alone one with your exOW (you should start calling her that since she isn't your OW anymore).

 

When one leaves their spouse for someone else, trust eventually is going to be an issue when the honeymoon phase is over and reality sets in, all the daily grind of stuff, kids, getting used to a new life, a person's habits, faults, the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

As for your exOW, don't contact her. She may be miserable, or maybe she's doing better than you think. Either way, she's a grown woman and I'm sure has had her heart broken before.

 

She chose to knowingly get involved with a MM with kids, so it's not like she went into the A with you blind.

[LilyBart]

By default, by your wife's hands. NOT because you "chose" the OW.

 

No, the WIFE is the default option here.

 

BHMM isn't crazy about his W and it's not like he loves her more than he loves the OW. Wifey basically wins by default because she's there and pooped out his kids for him and the kids are what's important to him.

 

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

Disclosure: I've only read the first few pages and last few pages of this thread.

[Confused4Now]

Nowhere in any of your posts do you show what specific ACTIONS other than spending more time at home with your wife and kids you are going to get this marriage back on track.

 

In fact your answer if your wife found out and wanted a divorce was to go back to OW

 

You don't know why you had the affair so what happens when the next OW comes along that you cannot leave alone?

 

Seriously, you need therapy. A 3+ yr affair isn't something that can be brushed under the carpet or the cracks papered over.

 

And by the way, I'm not your OW. I truly hope she never finds your thread to see how callous you are in that if your wife didn't want you then you would go back to her, like she was 2nd choice.

Which is why I said what story would he spin for his OW...there is no way I'd want to be a default choice if my xMW was passive about things and I found out later it was her H that did everything screw that. That she would not make the EFFORT to be with me first says a lot. I would never want to be with her if it was from all the efforts that her H did.

[SidLyon]

What happened to Chris' (silverplanets) beautiful postings from this morning?

Were they deleted by Tony?

 

He completely summed up my thoughts on this whole thread.

 

Did anyone else see them?

 

I swear, I should have quoted him this morning instead of running out the door...

 

Yes I saw them last night just before I went to bed - they questioned the genuineness/sincerity of BHMM (but in a different way).

 

I'm sorry they are gone - as I recall Chris is a fOP/MM and calls it like he sees it. Pity...

[NoIDidn't]

No, the WIFE is the default option here.

 

BHMM isn't crazy about his W and it's not like he loves her more than he loves the OW. Wifey basically wins by default because she's there and pooped out his kids for him and the kids are what's important to him.

 

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

Disclosure: I've only read the first few pages and last few pages of this thread.

 

So both women are his default position apparently.

[woinlove]

I'm not worried that she would want me gone. It has nothing to do with "taking that risk". I ended the A and am trying rebuild the M. There is no purpose in telling her and hurting her like that.

 

I wasn't referring to your feelings or rationalizations. I was simply stating something obvious -- if you were honest with your wife, she might want you gone. If your W knew with certainty that you were unfaithful for 3+ years, lied a lot, are in love with the OW and not with her, and shared a "magic" with the OW that you have never felt with her, she might want a divorce.

 

I know you don't consider it any risk because you feel you are basing your decision on what is best for your W. I'm just pointing out that your decision, lets you get what you want and removes the risk of your W making her own decision based on reality. Another poster pointed out that you are the one in control here, the one who gets to choose what you want, and that is true -- but only as long as you continue to deceive your W.

[woinlove]

No, the WIFE is the default option here.

 

BHMM isn't crazy about his W and it's not like he loves her more than he loves the OW. Wifey basically wins by default because she's there and pooped out his kids for him and the kids are what's important to him.

 

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

Disclosure: I've only read the first few pages and last few pages of this thread.

 

Yes, BHMM has said as much (in a nicer way). Of course, if the OW ceased to exist, he'd also be with his W, as he is now. But, one does get the sense that in BHMM's dream world, his W would cease to exist, and he'd live happily ever after with his OW and his kids. Wait...he did say he was worried about cheating on his OW if he ended up with her. Hmmm, not much of a dream world.

[SidLyon]

That's not necessarily true. Are you saying that because I'm not going to tell my W about the A? I guess if that's the bedrock of your rebuilding advice, then you may be right.

 

Though Owl offered a nice list of tips that started with telling my W, and even though I'm disregarding that (and he knows it), I'm still using what's useful to me.

 

Anyway, I'm reading every post, and I'm willing to listen to anyone's thoughts.

 

I hope you mean that (the bolded bit).

 

I'm a fBW in a reconciling marriage. Our situation is not dissimilar to yours but we are 5 years further on.

 

My H had an affair lasting 3.5 years (and yes they loved each other just to get that out of the way). The affair ended 5 years ago without me finding out. It ended so they could both return to make their marriages work. Is this starting to sound familiar?

 

Had I noticed the disconnect between my H and I during the A? - yes I did.

 

Did I notice that he was around more when the A ended? - yes I noticed that too.

 

Did I work out that he'd been having an affair? - no I didn't.

 

Did my H have any idea how to improve our marriage? - no he didn't.

 

Was it enough for him to simply be around me and the kids more? - no it wasn't.

 

Did our marriage improve? - sadly no it didn't.

 

Then 3 years later he became desperate - we were living in a distant marriage and there was little emotional connection. The same OW came back into his life (single this time) and so they went for it. This time I did find out and we had a d-day.

 

My H then made a choice (lucky him) and chose me/family (it's what he had chosen before as you have done). To cut a long story short we have spent the last 2 years rebuilding our marriage from scratch.

 

Perhaps if he'd had the benefit of somewhere like LS then he could have steered us on a course of rebuilding our marriage without me ever finding out - we'll never know. For us it took a d-day for us to find ourselves again. We have rebuilt our marriage and we have re-established intimacy and a close emotional connection. We also have an active sex life.

 

So it is possible to rebuild - it's easier with 2 on board and while I think the BW has a right to know I can see you don't want to tell her. That means you will have to do it by yourself and my advice is simply being around more will not achieve it - you quite possibly will end up just like my H, mourning your OW and having no idea how to fix your marriage. He and I were both in the same marriage and it was soul-destroying for both of us. Even if you don't ever tell your wife please read about how to rebuild a marriage and just do it.

 

I know I put you under the griller yesterday and I'm sorry for that.

[jj33]

I dont see any inconsistency between having an A and saying I dont want to cause my family any more hurt.

 

People do the wrong thing all the time none of us are perfect. And at a certain point you catch yourself and say what am I doing, this is wrong and you pull back and do the right thing. I dont see it as altruistic either. I see it as doing the right thing.

 

There is nothing "selfless" in deciding not to cheat on your wife anymore. You are married. You have taken a vow to forsake all others. What you are doing is cleaning up your act.

 

I can understand why BH doesnt want to tell his W. The issue is not the OW. The issue is why are they so emotionally estranged that he allowed himself to cross the line and to have an A in the first place. If he can find a way of discussing that with her and they can begin to resolve those issues, then the marriage may have a chance.

 

I think many of us, myself included, think that people should live for "the love". Life isnt always that way and many marriages arent that way. There are plenty of people who get and stay married with a more arms length emotional relationship. Not that they dont care deeply for one another, but perhaps they are a bit more aloof or distant in their relationship than others may be. And that works for them. Its not for us to say no you need to go for the passion and the love. Its his call.

 

BH you face the same difficulty the man I was involved with faced. He had a fond relationship with his W built on respect and many years together but there was never any real passion. She isnt that kind of person (and I know Ive met her several times and know many people who know her). Their relationship was built on other commonalities and their marriage continues for those reasons.

 

I have a very different temperament from his W and most of the women he knows and the relationship was far different than any he had ever had. So its haunting. Youve signed up for something that is what you are supposed to do, it works generally. You find something that ticks those unticked boxes you thought you could live without. But once you have basked in the sun, its hard to go back to the shade. You can do it, but the memories of basking in the sun stay with you.

 

And BH stay strong as you dont plan on leaving, DONT contact the OW. Very very unfair to her. (just a reminder)

[jennie-jennie]

Great thread! First of all, let me say THANKS to BHMM for having the courage to share your perspective. For the record, I belong to the radical honesty camp, and I think the "I don’t want to cause my family anymore hurt" argument is so lame. I’m not attacking the OP here. I just would really like someone to help me reconcile how these two very different personality traits can exist in one person. Is it really possible for one to be so selfish and so selfless at the same time? The seemingly altruistic behavior involved with such an act of selflessness, i.e. "I won’t do it to ease my own conscience", totally contradicts the egocentrism they’ve already proven by opening themselves up to an affair to begin with. Anyone else see the inconsistency?

 

While it may be inconsistent to those who don't behave this way it IS very much consistent with cheating MM. Jennie-jennie would probably insert something here about the split-self which she is an expert at explaining but hasn't yet that I've noticed. I'll PM her with this link.

 

The seemingly contradiction between altruistic and selfish behavior in a long term affair with a great level of emotional involvement can be described as a split self.

 

The married person (and his/her spouse) has for a long time suppressed his own emotional self and strived to do the right thing, to do what is expected of him. Through the involvement in the affair he finally gets an outlet and an opportunity for contact with this lost part of himself. It is irresistible. At the same time he is greatly torn between the part of him that wants to do the right thing and the part of him that needs contact with this emotional self.

 

AmIWrong, about the inconsistency in telling or not, my personal opinion would be that the married person is so used to suppressing himself, his needs, his emotions and keeping up the impression of doing everything right. Doing everything right is most likely a survival mechanism learnt already in the family of origin. It is very difficult to change this way of behavior. It has served him well so far in life.

 

Looking at my own MM, he was the good child growing up. To make this impression possible, he had a hidden inner life, a hidden part of himself that he showed to no one. What happens when the affair starts, is that for the first time in his life, the MM shares this part of himself with someone. This inner life is still hidden though, as the affair is hidden, it has not been integrated with his regular life and his public self.

 

BHMM, is the above something you can relate to? Something you feel applies to you?

[jennie-jennie]

Nowhere in any of your posts do you show what specific ACTIONS other than spending more time at home with your wife and kids you are going to get this marriage back on track.

 

In fact your answer if your wife found out and wanted a divorce was to go back to OW

 

You don't know why you had the affair so what happens when the next OW comes along that you cannot leave alone?

 

Seriously, you need therapy. A 3+ yr affair isn't something that can be brushed under the carpet or the cracks papered over.

And by the way, I'm not your OW. I truly hope she never finds your thread to see how callous you are in that if your wife didn't want you then you would go back to her, like she was 2nd choice.

 

If I were your OW, BHMM, and your OP sounds just like my MM could have written it, I would be very much helped by reading your words. I would not feel like 2nd choice. I would understand that it is not about choosing between two women. It is about choosing family before love and emotional connection.

[crazycatlady]

BH - I hope I was clear in my message because when I went back and read it I wasn't clean to me. I meant that while I love my kids, I don't live my life for them. I have to live it for me, and be me, because if I don't then I'm lost, and I can't be there for them if I'm lost.

 

As for the rest, I hope it does help. Being lost like that is a scary place. Someone else suggested IC, which might not be a bad idea.

 

Anyway, keep us posted. I will be curious how it turns out for you. You weren't able to keep your vow to your wife, or your promises to your OW. How about making a promise/vow to yourself. If in a year (or two since that for some reason seems to be the magic number) you have't connected, haven't rekindled etc, you consider leaving. This time you aren't leaving for the OW but rather for yourself and your own needs, and because your wife deserves it. Your OW is already being allowed to get on with her life. Also...make a vow that you will leave before cheating again. Make it not for your wife, not for your kids, but for you. For your need to be able to respect yourself when you look in the mirror. If you want the person bad enough to cheat, then it needs to be bad enough to leave. You have gone down this path...remember the pain, and the ow's pain, and imagine the wife's pain....don't do it again. Leave first.

 

CCL

[Fallen Angel]

Okay, Well I have only managed to catch up to page 18, and now I have to go to work. Damnit!!

 

Anyway, I see BHMM that you want PM privledges, and honestly, I think you could really use them right now, so if someone will contact Tony and find out if I can do it, I am willing to pay for your suporting membership to get them for you, since I know that putting them on your own credit card would open the door for your wife to find this site, and hence out the affair.

 

Someone let me know what I need to do to pay for his membership, and I will take care of it in the next 24-48 hrs.

 

Hugs, FA

[Fallen Angel]

BHMM,

 

I think the hardest part of your getting over the OW is imagining her life wasted with pining away for you. I think if you could really wrap your head around the fact that she is/will be okay, that you could let go and move forward. But as long as you are worrying about her you are stagnant.

 

The truth is that your OW is probably in a pretty dark place right now. She probably is also having trouble sleeping, eating, coping. She too is probably going through the motions of her life, acting normally to outside eyes, but feeling very disconnected from it all.

 

But, and here is what is most important for you... She will get better. She will start to have days where she smiles again. She will eventually eat and sleep and live normally again. She will learn to smile and laugh again. And I can say with almost 100 percent surety, that she will one day love again.

 

It will not be easy for her, but one day she will wake up and find that you are not her first thought. She will start to have days that she doesn't think of you at all. She will start to feel connected to other people, and she will survive this.

 

When you start to really believe that, you will be able to start to move forward in your own healing.

 

Now, I really have to go to work....

 

Hope your today is better than your yesterday, and that your tomorrow is better than your today....

 

Hugs again, FA

[confusedinkansas]

This is what kills me. She has no one to go to for support becuase no one in her life knew about the A (as far as I know). I'm broken-hearted for her in this regard too. And it's this thought that starts tempting me to break NC... which I know I can't do.

 

If you really want to be with your wife - at all costs - Don't break NC. It will set you back more months than you can imagine. If in your heart you're still undecided, maybe some kind of closure may be necessary for you to have some sort of peace.

(One other thing - worrying like this, will eventually affect your health - Been there myself)

 

You have talked of the "Magic" you & this other woman had. You say you loved/love her. I totally get that.

You have also said that you don't think that you can have that with your wife. I beg to differ. If you do put your mind, heart & soul into it - Yes! You most definitely can.

I do however worry where you have mentioned that you & your wife have NEVER had that king of love or magic. Ask yourself this.......Are you 100% positive in that statement.

 

You must do what YOU think is right. I've read so many threads here in LS where posters have badgered folks into telling their spouses of affairs. Next thing you read is "Well I Told Her/Him"....& all hell breaks loose.

I am with you on your decision not to tell her. If she knows & someday she chooses to come forward with whatever 'evidence' she has - well that's a bridge you'll have to cross when the time comes. Until then, I think you're doing the right thing in not telling.

 

Folks that are appaled that you choose your wife after telling your OW that you loved her so dearly & you attempted to leave a few times & that you dreamed of being together......That happens EVERYDAY!!!

 

Hope your today is better than your yesterday, and that your tomorrow is better than your today....

Sorry for stealing this Angel - I just thought it was SO good it needed posted again! Edited September 1, 2010 by confusedinkansas

[whichwayisup]

Why is everybody pushing this guy to get PM? You want him to stop posting out in the open and take it to PM mode so only certain members can help him and offer him the type of support they feel he needs?

 

He will get PM's once he hits 50 and has been here for a month. He could reach 50 posts in 2 days and still get no PM access.

 

No, the WIFE is the default option here.

 

BHMM isn't crazy about his W and it's not like he loves her more than he loves the OW. Wifey basically wins by default because she's there and pooped out his kids for him and the kids are what's important to him.

 

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

Disclosure: I've only read the first few pages and last few pages of this thread.

 

I need to stop reading replies by others and just read what the original poster says. I'll let someone else reply to this one, but I will say it's very the disrespect here is sickening.

 

This man doesn't HATE his wife. Things seemed be normal before he allowed himself to fall for the exOW. He said that he and his wife had sex, the sex slowed down and didn't happen much during the A and he rejected her often. He, like many MM or MW, buried feelings for his spouse. That love is still there, and he'll figure it out once he gets past what he feels for the OW.

[whichwayisup]

This is what kills me. She has no one to go to for support becuase no one in her life knew about the A (as far as I know). I'm broken-hearted for her in this regard too. And it's this thought that starts tempting me to break NC... which I know I can't do.

 

As far as you know. She could be talking to a good friend, though.

 

Or maybe she's found a forum like you have and is getting support that way.

 

Have you told anybody about your affair? Bestfriend, a friend, sibling, a parent?

[Mimolicious]

No, the WIFE is the default option here.

 

BHMM isn't crazy about his W and it's not like he loves her more than he loves the OW. Wifey basically wins by default because she's there and pooped out his kids for him and the kids are what's important to him.

 

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

Disclosure: I've only read the first few pages and last few pages of this thread.

 

 

I can finally say that I agree with you. Such a shame... on both counts.

 

 

BTW, women don't "POOP" kids, they maybe "POP" one out?! I find it insultive if it's not a typo, that you would compare giving birth to a child like taking a dump.

 

For those that say that home is where he belongs-Why does this man deserves to be with his W, again? Does his W deserve to be with a halfass H who's said that "magic" never existed in his M? Nice!

So you guys are basically roommates, who share bills, periodically sleep together, pop a kid and live beatless lives. NICE!

 

I would love not for your OW to find this board. She perhaps, knows you love her because she felt the magic. It would be nice if your W found this board, so she can say how much she is really lacking.

 

If you think that you are the one that has really given up on this so called connection to the next-level "Magic", think again. Perhaps your W has never even experienced it. Wonder why???

 

Set her free so she can find that same "magic". Because odds are that she can! You- you'll never be able to give it to her. BTW, I speak from experience. My xH did me a favor. Life is great!

[terrific]

Okay, Well I have only managed to catch up to page 18, and now I have to go to work. Damnit!!

 

Anyway, I see BHMM that you want PM privledges, and honestly, I think you could really use them right now, so if someone will contact Tony and find out if I can do it, I am willing to pay for your suporting membership to get them for you, since I know that putting them on your own credit card would open the door for your wife to find this site, and hence out the affair.

 

Someone let me know what I need to do to pay for his membership, and I will take care of it in the next 24-48 hrs.

 

Hugs, FA

I was going to offer to pay as well! You have a good heart FA

[OWoman]

I know I'm coming late to this thread, but welcome, BHMM.

 

I don't know what would happen. I'd still want to keep it together for the kids. But if she found out tomorrow and really wanted a D, I would go back to OW.

 

BH, you probably don't mean it as such, but have you considered how insulting this is from your OW's perspective? That - if some other woman didn't want you, she'd finally be good enough for you? That she wasn't good enough to choose of your own free will, but you'd settle for her if you couldn't get your first choice? Have you considered that, if it did happen that your BW found out and kicked you out, and you went to your OW, chances are she'd send you packing, too?

 

BH no woman wants to be second choice. No woman wants to get the consolation prize. Every woman wants to be with someone who chooses to be with them. And you've denied both women this option. You haven't chosen to be with your BW - you've chosen to be with your kids, and your BW is part of that equation, so she gets you by default. If - or when - she finds that out, don't expect relief, sympathy or understanding. Expect hurt, anger and possibly rejection. You have put her in a position no woman wants to be in.

 

And you haven't chosen to be with your OW. If you do go to her now, because your BW kicks you out, she would also get you by default. And she will not offer relief, sympathy or understanding either - she will be angry that she's good enough to be a soft landing, but not good enough to be your first choice.

 

If I were either of those women, my fury would know no bounds.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you. You're projecting what you think would be best for your kids, without actually asking them or exploring the options with a family counsellor. You're second-guessing, based on your own projections. My H did that too, for years, before he finally got the courage together to leave his BW. But before he left, he spoke to them about it and they supported him in leaving. They're far happier how - we all are. My father, OTOH, stayed "for the kids" until we were all grown - and not one of us thought that he did the right thing for us. It was the right thing for him - he got to fulfill his duty and do what a man should do - but we spared no opportunity to tell him again and again that it was a selfish choice, taken in his interest only, and not in ours. Whether or not your kids feel similarly later, only time will tell - but you need to be honest at this point and admit to yourself that your choices are about your own happiness and your own projection about theirs, and not actually about their reality (nor anyone else's).

 

Don't expect any thanks for your "sacrifice", is all I'm saying - if you're not getting enough satisfaction from having done it for yourself, then you'd be wise to reconsider, or you're likely to land up old and embittered, judged and pitied by those you thought you were doing such a favour by deciding for them what you thought would be best...

 

Good luck. I hope you can make it work out for you somehow. And I hope those you love can learn to live with your choices, ultimately.

[silktricks]

If I were either of those women, my fury would know no bounds.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you.

 

Amen to this!!!

[Mimolicious]

Why is everybody pushing this guy to get PM? You want him to stop posting out in the open and take it to PM mode so only certain members can help him and offer him the type of support they feel he needs?

 

He will get PM's once he hits 50 and has been here for a month. He could reach 50 posts in 2 days and still get no PM access.

 

 

 

I need to stop reading replies by others and just read what the original poster says. I'll let someone else reply to this one, but I will say it's very the disrespect here is sickening.

 

This man doesn't HATE his wife. Things seemed be normal before he allowed himself to fall for the exOW. He said that he and his wife had sex, the sex slowed down and didn't happen much during the A and he rejected her often. He, like many MM or MW, buried feelings for his spouse. That love is still there, and he'll figure it out once he gets past what he feels for the OW.

 

It's also more and more obvious how many people have mutiple accounts.

 

Anyway, he may not "Hate" (very strong word) his W but he's shown very little indication that he "loves" her. Just because he is staying at home for x, y and z doesn't mean that he has little hearts flying for the person that he is tied to, rarely even has respect. Is sex all that matters? Buried feelings sounds kinda terminal.

 

This MM like many other people who are in A's and their S doesn't know, are able to flip-flop because he's given himself the liberty to be the ONLY one to decide for all involved.

 

TELL YOUR W! It's HER choice to be with you once she knows what she has been taking part it (blindly), just like it has been your choice to be taking part in an A.

[OM1]

I find it truly odd that other women are actually taking comfort in the fact that he said he loved his ow. Why does that make you ow's feel good. It doesn't matter if he loved her does it? He still wasted 3 years of his ow's life telling her how much he loved her and for what? To dump her for no reason. To kick her to the curb because he loves her?

 

How can that help you? This man actually loved his ow and guess what he STILL didn't leave and she still got dumped even without a dday.

 

As a former OM (3 weeks NC!) I couldn't agree with this statement more. This has been bothering me all night. I'd almost rather hear that my MW was just using me for sex and to resolve some temporary boredom and discontent. To hear that she is still in love with me and pining for me but still can't and won't pull the trigger and actually leave makes the pain even worse. Frankly, I think my MW WOULD say the same thing as BHMM here. But you know what? I don't want to hear it. It's cold comfort. Oh good! You still love me but still not enough to overcome the practical difficulties of leaving?! GREAT! Lucky me.

 

And I don't mean to bash the OP at all. I don't think his feelings are uncommon. I'm glad he posted this. Certainly generated lots of great discussion.

[Mimolicious]

I know I'm coming late to this thread, but welcome, BHMM.

 

 

 

BH, you probably don't mean it as such, but have you considered how insulting this is from your OW's perspective? That - if some other woman didn't want you, she'd finally be good enough for you? That she wasn't good enough to choose of your own free will, but you'd settle for her if you couldn't get your first choice? Have you considered that, if it did happen that your BW found out and kicked you out, and you went to your OW, chances are she'd send you packing, too?

 

BH no woman wants to be second choice. No woman wants to get the consolation prize. Every woman wants to be with someone who chooses to be with them. And you've denied both women this option. You haven't chosen to be with your BW - you've chosen to be with your kids, and your BW is part of that equation, so she gets you by default. If - or when - she finds that out, don't expect relief, sympathy or understanding. Expect hurt, anger and possibly rejection. You have put her in a position no woman wants to be in.

 

And you haven't chosen to be with your OW. If you do go to her now, because your BW kicks you out, she would also get you by default. And she will not offer relief, sympathy or understanding either - she will be angry that she's good enough to be a soft landing, but not good enough to be your first choice.

 

If I were either of those women, my fury would know no bounds.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you. You're projecting what you think would be best for your kids, without actually asking them or exploring the options with a family counsellor. You're second-guessing, based on your own projections. My H did that too, for years, before he finally got the courage together to leave his BW. But before he left, he spoke to them about it and they supported him in leaving. They're far happier how - we all are. My father, OTOH, stayed "for the kids" until we were all grown - and not one of us thought that he did the right thing for us. It was the right thing for him - he got to fulfill his duty and do what a man should do - but we spared no opportunity to tell him again and again that it was a selfish choice, taken in his interest only, and not in ours. Whether or not your kids feel similarly later, only time will tell - but you need to be honest at this point and admit to yourself that your choices are about your own happiness and your own projection about theirs, and not actually about their reality (nor anyone else's).

 

Don't expect any thanks for your "sacrifice", is all I'm saying - if you're not getting enough satisfaction from having done it for yourself, then you'd be wise to reconsider, or you're likely to land up old and embittered, judged and pitied by those you thought you were doing such a favour by deciding for them what you thought would be best...

 

Good luck. I hope you can make it work out for you somehow. And I hope those you love can learn to live with your choices, ultimately.

 

OWoman for prez! (INSERT LIKE BUTTON) I love love love (Did I say "love"?) this post OWoman. Thank you for sharing this!

[xxoo]

BHMM, you titled this thread "A MM's perspective". And you've spent a lot of time on this thread (understandably) considering your exOW's perspective.

 

How much time have you spent considering your BS's perspective? Outside of deciding not to tell her (either because you don't want to hurt her with the knowledge of your actions, or because you fear her divorcing you), have you considered what she really wants and deserves in her life?

 

Does your wife, the mother of your children, deserve a "good enough" marriage, or does she deserve the intense love that you felt with your OW? Does she deserve a spouse who is honest with her, as you were with your OW? Does she deserve the opportunity to make informed choices about her own life?

 

If not, why not?

 

I'm really curious how you believe you can have a functional marriage without honesty. You made a point to tell us that you were honest with your OW. Can you see how that honesty improved the intimacy and functioning of that relationship? How that kind of honesty may have been a big part of what was missing in your marriage, leading to the affair? Why, then, would you fall back on "we were never that open with each other", instead of creating the kind of relationship with your wife that you had with your OW...one based on openness, honesty, and true intimacy.