A MM's perspective

[eleanorrigby]

Well, you're gaslighting the hell out of her, which is far worse than the affair itself. And you apparently plan to continue. You really ought to consider how awful it is to try to make your W doubt herself when she can sense you were cheating. That is SO wrong on so many levels.

 

It is easy - terribly easy - to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that, to break a man's spirit is devil's work.

- George Bernard Shaw

 

She's right. This is going to drive your wife completely crazy. And I mean absolutely, out of her mind, bonkers. *shaking my head*

[Mimolicious]

I agree w/ this. BHMM has the right to end the A, for any reason he wants, or no reason at all. No one has to be happy about anything, and from the original post, didn't sound like he felt bad for anyone but himself so we can all breathe a big sigh of relief on that one....

 

And I would argue that on the highest level, no one has any actual obligation to anyone. Even after you sign a piece of paper or clean up their puke...

 

Think Whichway meant- "clean up the puke" as in "kids puke to clean up". "KIDS"-Which is the highest level of obligation. At least in my world.

[breaking_bad]

Think Whichway meant- "clean up the puke" as in "kids puke to clean up". "KIDS"-Which is the highest level of obligation. At least in my world.

 

I know. I'm just saying that confusing "obligation" with a general regard/respect for people and their feelings cuts all ways. And when you choose to generally disrespect people, it's not usually a selective thing.

 

If one takes the position that you don't owe anyone an apology for hurting them or take any responsibility for misleading them, then it doesn't matter who the person is. In that sense, no one in this scenario is owed an apology, it just a bunch of open eyed grown ups that should expect what they get and not dwell on it.

 

I think interchanging respect and obligation is a big stretch.

[2sunny]

how many children do you have and how old are they?

 

is there any thought in the back of your mind that you may leave after they are grown and gone if things don't improve in your M? or are you staying even if it seems like a death sentence?

[Fallen Angel]

Yes, that statement really jumped out. Young children are so trusting, it is really sad to see this taken for granted in such a cavalier manner. Why isn't his heart breaking over recognizing this innocent and undeserved trust? BHMM should be ever so grateful that his children are not old enough to have figured out the truth. With teens, it can take well into their adult years to rebuild a good relationship after having neglected them for an AP.

 

I agree with SG that for someone who apparently has decided to work on your M, BHMM, you don't seem to be in any hurry to get started. You seem to take your family for granted. Don't you think you've pushed your luck far enough if they are as important to you as you say?

 

 

BHMM,

 

I am a few pages behind so please forgive me if it has already been said, but I don't think you REALLY WANT to fix what is broken in your marriage. I think you are convinced you can't and don't feel like putting forth the effort to do it.

 

I think as evidenced by your posts, you are there because of the kids, and only because of the kids. You know that you can put forth almost no effort at all and keep skating along like this. I mean, you can have sex with her if you want, she isn't turning you down, I would suppose she does at least her share of the household chores and parenting, so why bother, right?

 

I think that in the back of your head, you feel that you are never REALLY going to be happy anyway, and she, well she is not too terribly unhappy, so why waste all that time and effort to change nothing..

 

At least that is what I see looking from the outside..That is what it seems to me like you are doing.. just planning on skating by in the marriage, being a great dad, and a mediocre husband because you are convinced that you can never have a truly great marriage anyway.

 

And hey, who am I to tell you that is not okay. If you are happy with mediocre then so be it. But you know what great feels like, smells like, tastes like.. and you miss it. Don't you think your wife should get the chance to know what great is like too?

[NoIDidn't]

In reading the newest replies to this thread, I'm reminded of a quote of words said by Jesus in scripture: "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth does speak" (or something like that).

 

The OP has stated that he hopes his OW finds this thread. The OP has stated that he posted so that OWs will know why the MM went home and take comfort in that he loved her (and is still mistreating and misleading/deceiving his W).

 

The OP has spoken little about the M he said he is going to fix. The OP has spoken little about the children that he took for granted for three years. I'm sure much has changed about them in the three years he was out cheating - especially if they were little (toddlers). If they were toddler age, he's probably surprised at the great job HIS WIFE did of taking care of them in his absence.

 

I am not surprised that the OP is not speaking about his W or his kids. He posted this for OW. I couldn't be his W. I find these actions near to unforgivable.

[NoIDidn't]

It has nothing to do with the OW as a person. She was "safe" to confide in. If she rejected you, no one would know it because your relationship was a secret anyway and you could blame her rejection of you on your marital status rather than yourself. It sounds like you got some serious issues with intimacy, which likely has much to do with why your M struggled in the 1st place.

 

Marriage therapists with experience with Infidelity see this a lot. The confiding in the OW had nothing to do with anything to do with her, it was the fact that it was "safe" to do it with her.

 

Not surprised to see yet another MM with intimacy issues - that he doesn't want to confront - and still thinks only his presence will heal the hole in his family.

[September]

Thanks for posting your perspective September. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I sincerely hope you can heal and move on.

 

 

Funny, that's what xMM said too....along with;

 

"I realise I still love my wife" - after telling me over and over that the love he had for her was only that of a friendship love, she is more like a flatmate than a wife. "There is no passion and affection, I come last on the list"

 

"please forget about me" - oh ok, so easy to do when you are told you are the love of his life, that he had never felt and been given so much love.

 

" I can't give you the future you want and deserve" - Really? I only wanted that future with him because that's what HE wanted and promised. He begged me to wait for him, HE couldn't wait to start a future with me, talked often of wanting to marry me...

 

I tried to end it a couple of times to get him to work on his marriage but he didn't want that, he "only wanted me".

 

What I am trying to say here is, that so many of these MM promise the world and hand over an atlas. I am more than sure you would have fed similiar lines to your xOW.

 

Conveniently it generally ends when MM want it to end and on their terms. And yes, and I believe it's generally for children and financial reasons.

 

As I told my xOM, he was a lying, mainpulative, narcissitic, jerk.

 

Time to go bang my head against a brick wall...

[ladydesigner]

BHMM,

 

I am a few pages behind so please forgive me if it has already been said, but I don't think you REALLY WANT to fix what is broken in your marriage. I think you are convinced you can't and don't feel like putting forth the effort to do it.

 

I think as evidenced by your posts, you are there because of the kids, and only because of the kids. You know that you can put forth almost no effort at all and keep skating along like this. I mean, you can have sex with her if you want, she isn't turning you down, I would suppose she does at least her share of the household chores and parenting, so why bother, right?

 

I think that in the back of your head, you feel that you are never REALLY going to be happy anyway, and she, well she is not too terribly unhappy, so why waste all that time and effort to change nothing..

 

At least that is what I see looking from the outside..That is what it seems to me like you are doing.. just planning on skating by in the marriage, being a great dad, and a mediocre husband because you are convinced that you can never have a truly great marriage anyway.

 

And hey, who am I to tell you that is not okay. If you are happy with mediocre then so be it. But you know what great feels like, smells like, tastes like.. and you miss it. Don't you think your wife should get the chance to know what great is like too?

 

Great post FA. Not to bash but if this mediocre behavior continues in the M and wifey becomes unhappy (she has already suspected an A in the past) she may just have her own A. Just sayin'

[Italian flower]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

It IS amazing and rare, isn’t it?

 

I know exactly what you’re talking about. That ultimate connection on all different levels (mind, body, spirit, etc) that somehow makes the world “right”. People on LS are probably tired of hearing me say this but I can’t help myself - once magic has touched you, it changes you forever.

 

And I agree, magic never dies.

 

I never claimed that it “could be found anywhere”. All I said was that it EXISTS. I didn’t say it with “bravado” like you claim. I said it because the possibility translates into hope.

 

I don’t know your story at all – the who/what/where/when & whys of the reason you let him go. But just because you haven’t been able to find it again….all that means is you haven’t found again YET. So unless you’re posting from your death bed, don’t lose faith.

 

So as not to go off topic – I want BHMM to know that that’s what he should strive for with his W. And if he can’t, then there’s nothing wrong with “good” or “good enough” because the majority of M’s I’ve seen are just fine/mediocre/okay – and people will settle for ordinary instead of extraordinary and make it work.

 

Ahhh the hope of youth. Your posts scream it and that’s why I labeled it as bravado. Let me guess, you’re in your mid thirties? Twenties is too early to recognize magic, but I recognize that you’re still quite young from your comments so I’d put you at 32-35. A woman never tells her age but I’ll say I’m more than 20 years your senior then. Admittedly I haven’t read a fraction of your posts but I’d guess you recently choose to leave your magic relationship? That’s when the wishful thinking kicks in the hardest. I still remember my bravado when I felt I could find what I had again. I left because I was tired of waiting. How stupid was I? I left because part of me wanted to find the magic elsewhere just to show him I could. When I look back on it now, the “waiting” was WONDERFUL. And really all I was waiting for was what others expected of me. I let others strongly influence my decision. They meant well but only you can know what’s right for you. They don’t feel or experience it directly and only speculate from the outside. I should have listened to my heart, not the world.

 

Careful here too: magic never dies. True, but it can be killed by someone who isn’t careful and doesn’t value it.

 

I have to snicker a little when I read all these posts about how amazing and magical everything is. It always is in the beginning. That’s not magic. True magic is when it’s the same or better ten years later, not over three or six months. When you want to spend every moment with that person even after you've just been together 24/7 for a week. That’s what I had and I never found again. I’m still happy I had it but it pains me to think just how stupid I was. And believing I’d easily find it again was the root cause of my poor decision. The fact that you recognize that it lasts and over a long period of time leads me to believe that you have found the true magic that I had.

 

If you have it, don’t let go. Put up with any difficulty. If you’ve already given it up and are sure you’ll find it elsewhere then have fun trying. I just wish someone would have given me this advice back then and that I would have listened.

 

If you've alredy given him up and don't want to get him back, talk to me in 20 years hun. I'd like to hear how much optimism you have then.

[xxoo]

Great post FA. Not to bash but if this mediocre behavior continues in the M and wifey becomes unhappy (she has already suspected an A in the past) she may just have her own A. Just sayin'

 

BHMM, how would you feel if she did?

[seren]

I always hold to thought that you are a long time dead and so owe it to yourself to live the best life I can, part of that is not causing or being the cause of hurt to others. If your relationship with the OW is the be and end all, then I would say that you owe it to yourself to leave your marriage, owe it to your wife to find happiness and for her to find her be and end all with someone else. To withold information about the A means that there is no truth, no level playing field and the thought of your wife constantly wondering what is wrong, what she has done, or all the other questions a half marriage causes will ensue. Personally, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

 

Am I right in understanding that the OW knew you were married? had you both made plans for the future? Did she think you were going to leave? if the answer is yes, then I cannot imagine what she must be feeling and how you can be so cavalier in hurting her if you love her as you do, not just love the idea of her, but the person. I am a BS, but even I can understand how she might be wondering what the hell is going on. I understand that telling your W will hurt her (understatement) and would not be easy, but you have hurt the OW and survived. As for your children, I can understand not wanting to leave and how that would be devastating, BUT, they will adapt far more readily to regular visitation far more easily than seeing parents in a half marriage.

 

Women aren't stupid, we pick up on our H's feelings, we can see when they are distracted or not loving. problem is, we usually blame ourselves when we don't know there is an A, as someone else said, gaslighting is, IMO, a form of the worse emotional abuse. I have lived it and it all but broke me, the truth is a relief. Ask yourself where you want to be in 20 yrs time and what sort of person do you want to be, and act on it. I do see, me, me, me in your post and think you are afraid - well it won't go away and I think you know that. Be the man you want to be and the one you can be proud of, whatever that means, at the very least be honest.

[Silly_Girl]

I always hold to thought that you are a long time dead and so owe it to yourself to live the best life I can, part of that is not causing or being the cause of hurt to others. If your relationship with the OW is the be and end all, then I would say that you owe it to yourself to leave your marriage, owe it to your wife to find happiness and for her to find her be and end all with someone else. To withold information about the A means that there is no truth, no level playing field and the thought of your wife constantly wondering what is wrong, what she has done, or all the other questions a half marriage causes will ensue. Personally, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

 

Am I right in understanding that the OW knew you were married? had you both made plans for the future? Did she think you were going to leave? if the answer is yes, then I cannot imagine what she must be feeling and how you can be so cavalier in hurting her if you love her as you do, not just love the idea of her, but the person. I am a BS, but even I can understand how she might be wondering what the hell is going on. I understand that telling your W will hurt her (understatement) and would not be easy, but you have hurt the OW and survived. As for your children, I can understand not wanting to leave and how that would be devastating, BUT, they will adapt far more readily to regular visitation far more easily than seeing parents in a half marriage.

 

Women aren't stupid, we pick up on our H's feelings, we can see when they are distracted or not loving. problem is, we usually blame ourselves when we don't know there is an A, as someone else said, gaslighting is, IMO, a form of the worse emotional abuse. I have lived it and it all but broke me, the truth is a relief. Ask yourself where you want to be in 20 yrs time and what sort of person do you want to be, and act on it. I do see, me, me, me in your post and think you are afraid - well it won't go away and I think you know that. Be the man you want to be and the one you can be proud of, whatever that means, at the very least be honest.

 

This is a fantastic post. There've been many on this thread but this feels balanced and not at all complex.

 

What I do love about this thread is that the subject matter is not terribly controversial, it's an everyday occurrence that most of us can identify with in one way or another, but that so many people CARE about the parties involved. Lots of us posters aren't necessarily in a position of choice as such, not in the way BHMM is anyway. Our choices are mainly about how we react to something/someone else. BHMM has all the facts and is making a decision and I like that so many of us give a damn.

[jj33]

She asked if I was having an A once, a couple years ago, and I denied it. Since then it's just been brief conversations about my distance and malaise. Some of the things I'm trying to rectify.

 

So if she suspects or knows about the A (I wouldn't be surprised at either), then she's keeping it to herself.

 

Oh BHMM. This is very disappointing. Do you know understand what gaslighting is?

 

You have a chance to make things right now. Regardless of the distance between you, regardless of the emotional temprement of you and your wife, if you are staying in the M you owe it to your W to tell her. NOW.

 

Not when you are ready, not when you have thought it through, not when you have had IC NOW. Tonite. NOW.

 

Any other course of action is just cruel. Your W for whatever her faults may be, for whatever issues you may have had in your marriage does not deserve to live like this.

 

Even if a part of you thinks that she probably knows but would prefer that you stay at home with the family and that the A be swept under the rug. Even if a part of you thinks that its better not to discuss it, to just reengage and she will know that the A is over and that you are back and that things can just continue on.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think those things. If she wanted to look the other way, she wouldnt have raised it. She would have simply waited you out. She didnt. She raised the issue. She wants to know. And she deserves to know.

 

Its one thing to keep a part of yourself to yourself if its jogging or meditating or a guilty cigarette. Gaslighting your wife about an affair is not acceptable in any circumstances.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh BHMM. This is very disappointing. Do you know understand what gaslighting is?

 

You have a chance to make things right now. Regardless of the distance between you, regardless of the emotional temprement of you and your wife, if you are staying in the M you owe it to your W to tell her. NOW.

 

Not when you are ready, not when you have thought it through, not when you have had IC NOW. Tonite. NOW.

 

Any other course of action is just cruel. Your W for whatever her faults may be, for whatever issues you may have had in your marriage does not deserve to live like this.

 

Even if a part of you thinks that she probably knows but would prefer that you stay at home with the family and that the A be swept under the rug. Even if a part of you thinks that its better not to discuss it, to just reengage and she will know that the A is over and that you are back and that things can just continue on.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think those things. If she wanted to look the other way, she wouldnt have raised it. She would have simply waited you out. She didnt. She raised the issue. She wants to know. And she deserves to know.

 

Its one thing to keep a part of yourself to yourself if its jogging or meditating or a guilty cigarette. Gaslighting your wife about an affair is not acceptable in any circumstances.

 

Great post! If I ask about something, I want to know about it. I've already thought out the possible answers to my question, and want to know from the horses mouth instead of my speculation about it.

 

To lie when asked a direct question that could even be answered "yes" or "no" for the moment is the very heart of gaslighting. And when people "deny" things, they go out of their way saying things that support their "denial" of that thing.

 

Its one thing to say "No, I'm not having an affair". Its another thing to say "Of course not honey. You know how much I love you. I'm just going through some things at work (or whatever thing is used as the scapegoat) and it has nothing to do with you." And such is usually followed by more loving gestures and plans temporarily to throw the inquirer off the trail of the A.

 

And it is cruel to do this to another human being. Especially when they asked for the truth and it could have been given.

[Ellin]

About your "mind control" maybe... If you have time to keep tabs on posts.

 

about everything else. Why are feeling entitlements attached to titles again?

 

I'll leave you with this. His OW can be feeling like the house collapsed, with all understanding. Why? He as one little fact in advantage (some may say disadvantage, I think she is in a better place than his W is). She has knowledge. Knowledge of what she is involved in and what she is going through. She is sort of like the live version of this show.

 

His W- when she gets it, she's getting the edited version. Cameras are rolling but she wont know the final product till it's edited out. In other words, she is living it without knowledge. It's happening. Oh and it's happening very very close to home, yet she has no idea. So how "painful" is it for her?

 

"Bothers me"? Try again...

"Satisfied"- lmao!

 

Anyway. This Novella most likely wont have a sweet ending. Nothing built on sand holds up through a storm. TTYL!

 

And that's why you're so uncomfortable with anyone mentioning OW's side of the story... Right... (no idea what you're talking about).

[Confused4Now]

I always hold to thought that you are a long time dead and so owe it to yourself to live the best life I can, part of that is not causing or being the cause of hurt to others. If your relationship with the OW is the be and end all, then I would say that you owe it to yourself to leave your marriage, owe it to your wife to find happiness and for her to find her be and end all with someone else. To withold information about the A means that there is no truth, no level playing field and the thought of your wife constantly wondering what is wrong, what she has done, or all the other questions a half marriage causes will ensue. Personally, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

 

Am I right in understanding that the OW knew you were married? had you both made plans for the future? Did she think you were going to leave? if the answer is yes, then I cannot imagine what she must be feeling and how you can be so cavalier in hurting her if you love her as you do, not just love the idea of her, but the person. I am a BS, but even I can understand how she might be wondering what the hell is going on. I understand that telling your W will hurt her (understatement) and would not be easy, but you have hurt the OW and survived. As for your children, I can understand not wanting to leave and how that would be devastating, BUT, they will adapt far more readily to regular visitation far more easily than seeing parents in a half marriage.

 

Women aren't stupid, we pick up on our H's feelings, we can see when they are distracted or not loving. problem is, we usually blame ourselves when we don't know there is an A, as someone else said, gaslighting is, IMO, a form of the worse emotional abuse. I have lived it and it all but broke me, the truth is a relief. Ask yourself where you want to be in 20 yrs time and what sort of person do you want to be, and act on it. I do see, me, me, me in your post and think you are afraid - well it won't go away and I think you know that. Be the man you want to be and the one you can be proud of, whatever that means, at the very least be honest.

Being a former xMM and now xOM I can totally relate to both sides. Excellent POST!!!

[Ellin]

Well, maybe not as much pain as his wife would be in if she knew he'd decided to put someone else ahead of her and their kids.

 

And yet she has to be told all the details for her own good, right?

 

As a side note - he has not put someone else ahead of his kids, in the long run.

 

Finally - no, you can't force yourself to do something against your feelings, well you can but only to a degree - doing otherwise will set you back.

[crazycatlady]

I really don't understand how this will work - opening up with your W but not being honest about the A. When another poster asked you if you would come clean if your W asked you, you responded:

 

"I wouldn't admit it if she asked."

 

Wouldn't opening up and discussing with your W issues that you have with yourself make it more likely you will need to even more directly deceive your W to keep the A secret? And, if so, isn't this driving more of a wedge between you two rather than moving you closer together?

 

Perhaps CCL and others who have advised that BHMM open up with his W, someone even suggesting that he discuss the parts of him he discovered with his OW, but still keep the A a secret, can shed some light on how this works. Does it really bring the two closer or will the W just have more self-doubts and more reason to withdraw because of the sense that something is off?

 

Has anyone been on the giving or receiving end of this (supposedly opening up and sharing, but hiding a long-term, full-blown recent love affair)? If so, how did that work out?

 

I think he needs to tell his w about his affair. I think he needs to tell her he loves another woman and not her. He's not going to do that. I can't force him to do that. So instead of just repeating the same thing over and over and having BHMM tune me out, I attempted to give advice on what he is willing to do.

 

As a BS my worst fear is what he is doing. Its the stuff of nightmares. That by staying with me, the person I love is miserable. That's not what I would want and it would hurt me even more then the affair. It would crush me and it would absolutely piss me right off unlike the affair. Add to that he had the option to leave and ohhhh buddy would I be angry, but that is a different sitch then his.

 

BUT He's not going to tell. Right or wrong, he doesn't plan on it. So...Gotta go from there. Its going to be harder to be truly honest (to the limits of the affair) withholding the affair. He already has one secret, so sharing the rest will be harder....he will think "well I don't need to share *that* either" until he's back exactly where he is now.

 

Keep an eye out for that trap, BHMM. That's what keeping secrets can lead to. As you have already discovered with the affair.

 

I do think its possible to learn why you kept back from her and how to open up....and when that happens maybe you will confess.

 

CCL

[woinlove]

Oh BHMM. This is very disappointing. Do you know understand what gaslighting is?

 

You have a chance to make things right now. Regardless of the distance between you, regardless of the emotional temprement of you and your wife, if you are staying in the M you owe it to your W to tell her. NOW.

 

Not when you are ready, not when you have thought it through, not when you have had IC NOW. Tonite. NOW.

 

Any other course of action is just cruel. Your W for whatever her faults may be, for whatever issues you may have had in your marriage does not deserve to live like this.

 

Even if a part of you thinks that she probably knows but would prefer that you stay at home with the family and that the A be swept under the rug. Even if a part of you thinks that its better not to discuss it, to just reengage and she will know that the A is over and that you are back and that things can just continue on.

 

You are fooling yourself if you think those things. If she wanted to look the other way, she wouldnt have raised it. She would have simply waited you out. She didnt. She raised the issue. She wants to know. And she deserves to know.

 

Its one thing to keep a part of yourself to yourself if its jogging or meditating or a guilty cigarette. Gaslighting your wife about an affair is not acceptable in any circumstances.

 

I agree. Cruel. BHMM has already said he worked hard to keep the A a secret and wrote: What did I do to ensure she didn't find out? Lied a lot.

 

That's why I am completely puzzled by the posters who advise him to try to establish intimacy and openness with his W but still keep the A a secret. One is talking about more than 3 years of lies. Multiple anniversaries, children's birthdays, the whole shebang. How do you keep all that hidden and establish anything remotely resembling intimacy? That has me stumped and I wish those who think it is possible would explain.

 

And now we learn that the W asked directly. Most people can't believe the one person who promised to love and care for them forever, who made beautiful children with them, can look them in the face and boldly lie about something so central to their life. They can't believe it until they are hit over the head with proof that is completely undeniable. And even then, some W will doubt themselves and their own sanity if their H continues to lie.

 

Does anyone still think HBMM can establish intimacy with his W and keep the A a secret?

[2sunny]

And yet she has to be told all the details for her own good, right?

 

As a side note - he has not put someone else ahead of his kids, in the long run.

 

Finally - no, you can't force yourself to do something against your feelings, well you can but only to a degree - doing otherwise will set you back.

 

no one said he had to tell ALL the details to his W. just mentioned the honesty about allowing her to understand that he felt connected to someone outside the M, and is now wanting to reconnect with his W. what questions she may have at that point would determine what he may need to reveal after that.

 

the fact remains - his W noticed he was distant. she has asked. it might help in the repairing process if his W understands that he hasn't been interested in connecting with her for 3 years - and allows her to see if she wants to put more energy and effort into the possibility that the M could get to a level of being great... or not.

 

how can she be expected to work on this with the OP if she has no idea that she should be working towards a common goal?

[Confused4Now]

I think he needs to tell his w about his affair. I think he needs to tell her he loves another woman and not her. He's not going to do that. I can't force him to do that. So instead of just repeating the same thing over and over and having BHMM tune me out, I attempted to give advice on what he is willing to do.

 

As a BS my worst fear is what he is doing. Its the stuff of nightmares. That by staying with me, the person I love is miserable. That's not what I would want and it would hurt me even more then the affair. It would crush me and it would absolutely piss me right off unlike the affair. Add to that he had the option to leave and ohhhh buddy would I be angry, but that is a different sitch then his.

 

BUT He's not going to tell. Right or wrong, he doesn't plan on it. So...Gotta go from there. Its going to be harder to be truly honest (to the limits of the affair) withholding the affair. He already has one secret, so sharing the rest will be harder....he will think "well I don't need to share *that* either" until he's back exactly where he is now.

 

Keep an eye out for that trap, BHMM. That's what keeping secrets can lead to. As you have already discovered with the affair.

 

I do think its possible to learn why you kept back from her and how to open up....and when that happens maybe you will confess.

 

CCL

As it was said before the TRUTH shall set you free....it did for me. Like 10,000lbs off my shoulders.

[2sunny]

As it was said before the TRUTH shall set you free....it did for me. Like 10,000lbs off my shoulders.

 

that's all well and good but as long as it's not only designed to give you relief - but to cause the least amount of harm to the person receiving your truth... and with a goal in mind that things may actually have a chance to heal from knowing your truth.

[woinlove]

I think he needs to tell his w about his affair. I think he needs to tell her he loves another woman and not her. He's not going to do that. I can't force him to do that. So instead of just repeating the same thing over and over and having BHMM tune me out, I attempted to give advice on what he is willing to do.

 

As a BS my worst fear is what he is doing. Its the stuff of nightmares. That by staying with me, the person I love is miserable. That's not what I would want and it would hurt me even more then the affair. It would crush me and it would absolutely piss me right off unlike the affair. Add to that he had the option to leave and ohhhh buddy would I be angry, but that is a different sitch then his.

 

BUT He's not going to tell. Right or wrong, he doesn't plan on it. So...Gotta go from there. Its going to be harder to be truly honest (to the limits of the affair) withholding the affair. He already has one secret, so sharing the rest will be harder....he will think "well I don't need to share *that* either" until he's back exactly where he is now.

 

Keep an eye out for that trap, BHMM. That's what keeping secrets can lead to. As you have already discovered with the affair.

 

I do think its possible to learn why you kept back from her and how to open up....and when that happens maybe you will confess.

 

CCL

 

Thanks, CCL. Just saw this after my last post. I understand and perhaps that is the strategy that other posters implying similar approaches took.

 

I think if BHMM were to start sharing, he would realize how many lies were involved in hiding the A. There are fewer lies the less you share. Even still, living with someone and raising kids together, means a lot of lies for a 3+ year affair and an extra 3+months of mourning the loss of OW. But add new intimate sharing on that and the needed lies will multiply. Particularly for a W who already asked him if he was having an A.

[stillafool]

Funny, that's what xMM said too....along with;

 

"I realise I still love my wife" - after telling me over and over that the love he had for her was only that of a friendship love, she is more like a flatmate than a wife. "There is no passion and affection, I come last on the list"

 

"please forget about me" - oh ok, so easy to do when you are told you are the love of his life, that he had never felt and been given so much love.

 

" I can't give you the future you want and deserve" - Really? I only wanted that future with him because that's what HE wanted and promised. He begged me to wait for him, HE couldn't wait to start a future with me, talked often of wanting to marry me...

 

I tried to end it a couple of times to get him to work on his marriage but he didn't want that, he "only wanted me".

 

What I am trying to say here is, that so many of these MM promise the world and hand over an atlas. I am more than sure you would have fed similiar lines to your xOW.

 

Conveniently it generally ends when MM want it to end and on their terms. And yes, and I believe it's generally for children and financial reasons.

 

As I told my xOM, he was a lying, mainpulative, narcissitic, jerk.

 

Time to go bang my head against a brick wall...

 

Yes you are right. It seems does seem that the WS always choses the road that is easiest for them. It really isn't about the kids personally, the kids are part of their possessions like money, and they don't want to lose out on anything. It is total narcissism at it's highest form.