A MM's perspective

[BB07]

We all have to live our lives to the best of our abilities within the confines of our own minds and souls.

QUOTE]

 

Your wife, however, has to live her life within the confines of YOUR choices for her. Don't know that any of us would choose that for ourselves, you're pretty much playing God with her life.

 

I see and understand all your arguments, I really do, I just will never agree. I think that you're in a lose-lose situation, but I think your choice to sweep it under the rug is cruel.

 

I agree with SG, BHMM, and things that are swept under the rug often come out from under when least expected and they can bite very hard indeed.

 

The affair could come out at in time, soon or years down the road. 3 years is a long, long time and I suspect your wife knew and still knows something is wrong. For all you know, she may already have evidence of such. Just because you think you successfully kept the affair secret, doesn't mean that it will remain that way. Your wife may have a few secrets of her own. It's possible that she is already so suspicious that she might have even installed a key logger on your computer and she knows what you are doing RIGHT NOW, at this very minute. Also you never know........your OW may get so angry with you, that she might decide to tell your wife, it can and does happen. If you've been hanging out at LS, you know this is a possibility. It's even possible that she is already here and posting.

 

Have you thought about this, really considered how much more damage could be done by trying to keep a secret that might not be able to be kept long term? You need to think about this long and hard, even though you don't want to.

[xxoo]

Do you all tell your spouse about every crush you develop, about your fantasies, about the coworker you flirt with?

 

Yes, actually, I do. Especially the significant crushes and fantasies (maybe not all the tiny, passing ones). That is how you keep your partner the primary recipient of your intimacy: you share your intimate thoughts with her, and only her.

 

Your marriage will remain vulnerable to repeat affairs if you continue to keep secrets about these things.

[confusedinkansas]

Originally Posted by Ellin

It is then the "cheater" who has a problem, be it having to split up with someone they love or wrestle with their conscience. They have to live with the emotional consequences and in this way they're being punished, but the innocent party is spared the hurt.

 

I've heard of spouses, usually W from what I recall, who stated that they would prefer not to be told about their H's A because as long as he wasn't leaving they were more comfortable in the M than out of it, and if they were told they would have to do something about it.

 

In case of OP his W clearly knows that something's going on and no doubt thought about the possibility of him loving someone else have entered her mind, but when they talked about separating she cried and said she didn't want it. Maybe she's one of these people who want to carry on hoping that bad times will pass and everything will be ok again, maybe staying as a family unit is most important to her and volunteering all the hurtful details would not overall lead to better outcome for her and their children.

 

I think that there are WAY more women & men out there that think this way than many here realize.

 

I personally know a few that have this 'theory' on knowing/not knowing if there is an A or not.

 

To those that badger over & over.....TELL TELL TELL -

It isn't ALWAYS the best for a marriage.

Good Luck to you BH. I know how something like this tugs at your heartstrings. I've been there. Many have said TIME WILL HEAL - That is 100% true.

[BHMM]

Are you afraid your wife won't want to stay married to a man who loves an OW? If that is the case, then why are you condemning her to a life you know she doesn't want? Or, if you aren't sure, don't you think she deserves a chance to live her life as she chooses? Not the life you chose for her without her knowledge.

I'm not afraid of her leaving, I just don't want to hurt her unnecessarily (yes, I know I've already hurt her through the A).

 

I appreciate your point, I really do. But I know my W, and I'm 99% certain that choose is the one I'm trying to rebuild. So why not just rebuild without tearing everything down first, and destroying her in the process? I know this will offend some people, as it's is akin to a guy ordering a meal for his date without asking her what she wants, but I have pretty good grasp of my own M and my situation.

[anne1707]

But to be totally honest with you.. I can very much doubt that you will 'love' your W again... you can continue living like room mates.. yes.. but like husband/wife again.. I doubt it.. but that's me.. you might prove me wrong though..

 

I have to disagree.

 

I do very much love my H and am very happy with him. I am proof that it possible to "get over" the OM and recover the marriage. We are definitely not room mates.

[desertIslandCactus]

I think the reason you don't want to tell your wife is to naturally - protect her. And followed by the shame of infidelity in the marriage.

 

I also think that when two partners in the marriage aren't on an evenous causing the marriage to possibly slide - then the two should both know.

 

Probably the only way to start from the beginning and build the marriage up - is to tell her. This will take the marriage all the way down - but will allow both partners to agree together that they wish to save the marriage, thus taking the steps in Togetherness to do this.

[Silly_Girl]

I have to disagree.

 

I do very much love my H and am very happy with him. I am proof that it possible to "get over" the OM and recover the marriage. We are definitely not room mates.

 

Then you possibly have some good tips for the OP on how to hide a long-term affair and then rekindle a love for a spouse. I don't believe I could do it, I would need that foundation of truth and trust.

[Snowflower]

 

It's a difficult question. The quick and easy answer is to admit the A to my W because, hey, everyone should always be completely honest with their spouse and tell them everything. People can justify it all they want, saying she deserves to know, and make a fully informed decision about whether to continue our M. And maybe there is some truth to that. But I still subscribe to the notion that bringing that pain to her is just not worth it. Destroy her so I can say, "we're completely honest with each other", and so I have a slightly clearer conscience? The cost-benefit is way out of whack.

 

Okay, I understand your reluctance to tell and I won't get onto you about it. Personally, I'm kind of on the fence about the whole "you have to tell your spouse" thing because I realize that everyone's situation is different.

 

The truth does have a funny way of coming out sometimes though, even years later.

 

But the bolded part in your quote above...did you consider that it won't be the act of telling her (if you were to decide to do this) that will bring her pain but the act of what you did that will bring her the pain?

 

You've already done the damage, my friend, whether you admit to it or not.

 

Just something to consider. Good luck!

[greengoddess]

So you have been checked out of this marriage and with your kids for 3 years while you have been in lala land and in love with an ow and you think you can just waltz back into their lives like nothing happened without telling anyone?

 

Can you get anymore selfish? Damn your poor wife. Honestly I hope she and the kids were so use to your uninvolvement that they will treat you as an intrusion.

 

You need to give your wife the common decency of deciding how she wants to live her life. How dare you play with her like that. You put on this charade with her for 3 years and you think you can just fix it????

[confusedinkansas]

3 years is a long, long time and I suspect your wife knew and still knows something is wrong. For all you know, she may already have evidence of such. Just because you think you successfully kept the affair secret, doesn't mean that it will remain that way

 

Let's say for arguement sake she does have Proof! Perhaps she's ok with what information she has & is ok with not having him spill all the intimate details.

 

Shame on posters for saying you will never love your wife again.

It is VERY MUCH possible to be in love with your spouse after something like this. It is quite possible that you never fell out of love with your wife. It was just misplaced for a time.

[anne1707]

Then you possibly have some good tips for the OP on how to hide a long-term affair and then rekindle a love for a spouse. I don't believe I could do it, I would need that foundation of truth and trust.

 

I am in the camp that promotes telling the BS if you want to recover the marriage. If you don't tell then that is just carrying on with the lies and disrespect. A successful marriage has to be based on honesty and not just on what suits one person in the marriage.

[anne1707]

It is VERY MUCH possible to be in love with your spouse after something like this. It is quite possible that you never fell out of love with your wife. It was just misplaced for a time.

 

100% agree with this

[kuma]

I have no idea what God would want; I can barely figure out how to get through my own day.

 

It's a difficult question. The quick and easy answer is to admit the A to my W because, hey, everyone should always be completely honest with their spouse and tell them everything. People can justify it all they want, saying she deserves to know, and make a fully informed decision about whether to continue our M. And maybe there is some truth to that. But I still subscribe to the notion that bringing that pain to her is just not worth it. Destroy her so I can say, "we're completely honest with each other", and so I have a slightly clearer conscience? The cost-benefit is way out of whack. People keep a lot of secrets in their marriages. Do you all tell your spouse about every crush you develop, about your fantasies, about the coworker you flirt with? This is a long way of saying, some things are better left unsaid. This is my cross to bear. And people can and will disagree with that line of thinking. We all have to live our lives to the best of our abilities within the confines of our own minds and souls.

 

(That wasn't all directed at you Confused, it just came out, spurred by your question.)

 

What is the most important thing in your marriage? For me, it's honesty. I don't think I can have intimacy with my H if I'm not honest and open.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

Shame on posters for saying you will never love your wife again.

It is VERY MUCH possible to be in love with your spouse after something like this. It is quite possible that you never fell out of love with your wife. It was just misplaced for a time.

 

 

I agree. . . .

[Angel1111]

It's a difficult question. The quick and easy answer is to admit the A to my W because, hey, everyone should always be completely honest with their spouse and tell them everything. People can justify it all they want, saying she deserves to know, and make a fully informed decision about whether to continue our M. And maybe there is some truth to that. But I still subscribe to the notion that bringing that pain to her is just not worth it. Destroy her so I can say, "we're completely honest with each other", and so I have a slightly clearer conscience?

 

I totally agree with you BH. And, from another perspective, if I were married to a man who was in your exact situation - where he had an affair but made the decision to end it and stay in the marriage - then I wouldn't want to know about it. This knowledge completely and forever changes a relationship irreversably, and it is SO painful to the spouse. Most of the time, confessions are nothing more than a selfish way of unburdening ourselves with something we don't want to carry alone. I say you're doing the right thing by keeping your wife innocent from it all. You will get past this pain and it will be worth the choice you've made.

[BHMM]

The reason I worry about this, possibly unduly, is that I think one day this will come out. 3 years is an awfully long time. Right now, like so many of us when the status quo is threatened, this wife appears to want to hang in there. But when the immediate threat has passed, she may feel differently. Or something may happen to her, she may lose someone close (I hope not, but bear with me...) that causes her to really re-evaluate her life, her relationships, her marriage and think about how short life is. She may find herself able to face things, and there may have been years of 'lost time' before this happens. Years this couple could have been rebuilding things and forging new relations, openly and honestly.

 

One day perhaps they bump in to the OW. Or the OW may experience something that makes her think she needs to face up to the wife, even if BHMM will not.

 

If the wife knows he MAY have cheated then she may never ever trust him again. Maybe not today, but maybe next month, or next year these signs will start showing through and may eat away at any magic marital band-aid BHMM is trying so hard to weave around his marriage, without his wife's knowledge or co-operation.

 

I worry that once BHMM has finally got through what he needs to get through and comes out the other side ready to be a husband, he may find his wife is not so conducive to being taken for granted/lied to in this way, and she may be in a different place, and this could lead to a difficult cycle for them both.

 

I just think there are SO many variables here, than BHMM cannot control or eliminate, but if he were to talk to his wife he CAN start to take some control. Well, THEY can. Positive actions can begin for both of them.

All good points, and I appreciate you giving this so much thought.

 

I've definitely considered that the A might come out down the line. As you said, there are things I can't control, and one of them is the OW deciding to expose the A someday. I doubt she will, but who the hell knows. Again, I'm playing the odds, and I'm not going to admit the A to my W just to head off OW's unlikely confession.

 

Regarding my W eventually being suspicious and evolving into a different place, again that's not something I have control over (without admitting the A, which I'm not going to do). So if it happens, I'll deal with it as best I can.

[Angel1111]

I agree. . . .

 

I, agree, too. There are many different kinds of loves. As the years go by, the history of their lives, and their children, will be their bond and the love they share.

[carhill]

OP, today, how much private time will you spend with your wife? No kids, no distractions. Personal, intimate, husband and wife time.

 

What do you want to say or do during that time?

 

Our MC taught the tool of one positive thought, word and action per day; the concept of simplicity.

 

I acknowledge your fOW was a very important person in your life. What are your wishes for her, reflective of the honest love you had for her?

 

In reading your thread, I sense you have a clear path in mind. It's a path, like any path, with positives, negatives, choices and consequences. It's not clean nor simple. Can you accept the imperfection of your path? Your feelings? Acceptance is another key aspect we learned in MC. The three majors were: communication, clarity and acceptance.

 

Do you think that everyone who participates in MC is honest in that place? Why? Do you think their honesty or lack thereof has a marked bearing on the process? If you choose not to be honest with your wife about your affair, do you think you could still use the tools learned in MC to recover your marriage to a healthy place? Why?

 

Credentials: MM, divorcing, no kids. I disclosed my affair prior to and within MC.

 

FWIW, IMO, since you appear to have significant love for your W, even if not of the currently passionate sort, I think your M is recoverable. I hope things work out for you

[BHMM]

Thanks for sticking here BHMM! You’re like a celebrity! Me I’m 5 weeks NC with my xMOM after months of LC where i realised i was hoping the A would be rekindled. He contacted me last week to ask me if we could be friends again yet. I said no. It hurts that he thinks he can be. And it’s not because he wants to leave the door open either...I’ve told him I can’t do it as i’ll always want more from him.

 

What I’ve found hardest to take is that I’m the one who wants to be the ‘cake eater’ (i’m not proud of this, but it’s how i feel) and he wants to do the right thing in spite of his feelings because he won’t risk losing his family. I do respect him for this (and I'm also relieved that the decision to cheat is out of my hands) but these boards are full of stories of MM stringing OW along, being cake eaters etc. It’s hard to believe that he’s different. I feel like I’m the MM sometimes...I’m questioning my own authenticity!! Thanks for sharing your viewpoint, it helps me understand his a little more.

Thanks for posting LostMe. Congrats on 5 weeks of NC, I know it's hard but (they tell me) it gets easier. It's gotta be better than LC, I would think. I'm all-or-nothing like that.

 

I wouldn't be able to do the friend thing either, no way.

 

Hang in there, and good luck with everything.

[greengoddess]

The reason I worry about this, possibly unduly, is that I think one day this will come out. 3 years is an awfully long time. Right now, like so many of us when the status quo is threatened, this wife appears to want to hang in there. But when the immediate threat has passed, she may feel differently. Or something may happen to her, she may lose someone close (I hope not, but bear with me...) that causes her to really re-evaluate her life, her relationships, her marriage and think about how short life is. She may find herself able to face things, and there may have been years of 'lost time' before this happens. Years this couple could have been rebuilding things and forging new relations, openly and honestly.

 

One day perhaps they bump in to the OW. Or the OW may experience something that makes her think she needs to face up to the wife, even if BHMM will not.

 

If the wife knows he MAY have cheated then she may never ever trust him again. Maybe not today, but maybe next month, or next year these signs will start showing through and may eat away at any magic marital band-aid BHMM is trying so hard to weave around his marriage, without his wife's knowledge or co-operation.

 

I worry that once BHMM has finally got through what he needs to get through and comes out the other side ready to be a husband, he may find his wife is not so conducive to being taken for granted/lied to in this way, and she may be in a different place, and this could lead to a difficult cycle for them both.

 

I just think there are SO many variables here, than BHMM cannot control or eliminate, but if he were to talk to his wife he CAN start to take some control. Well, THEY can. Positive actions can begin for both of them.

 

This is the scenario I hope happens. He reengages with his family, falls back in love with his wife and then the wife finds out and breaks his heart for being such a coward and not confessing to her. I can't imagine living like this. Living with a man who is pining for another woman day in and day out all the while pretending mr. happy marriage. It's sick and twisted and a huge lie.

[Myowntwofeet]

I have to disagree.

 

I do very much love my H and am very happy with him. I am proof that it possible to "get over" the OM and recover the marriage. We are definitely not room mates.

 

 

You also openly admit that you were lying to your OM.

 

Imo, very different scenarios.

 

 

Back to the thread,

 

I am amazed at the posts here. There must be 100's of MM today looking here and going " Yeah, see! I knew that would happen".

 

I don't fundamentally agree with BHMM regarding the kids - I have lived it and the bottom line is I now have to work 3 times as hard to NOT live as I learned.

 

Perhaps I am one of those bizarre people but I truly believe you cannot possibly be a great parent if you are not treating yourself and your wife with respect. I do not believe you can preach what you don't practice - simply as that.

 

And it is highly likely ( ask many OW) here that your children will live the cycle - if that is good enough for you - fair enough.

 

I have friends that have two parents, I have friends that have two parents who 'like each other, we think' ( many of those status quo, sadly) and I have friends that have divorced parents.

 

The difference? Nothing really - each person ( myself included) have a relationship with their parents based on one KEY point.

 

The work and effort put in by EACH individual.

 

To be very honest, the best relationships I see now as I am older are those where the parents individually built relationships with the children. That can happen whether you stay or go, but it cannot be built on lies.

[Angel1111]

OP, today, how much private time will you spend with your wife? No kids, no distractions. Personal, intimate, husband and wife time.

 

Honestly, I think he needs to heal from his previous relationship with the OW before he can sincerely get back into having personal and intimate time with his wife. If he does it now, it will lack sincerity. He needs to give himself time right now. I remember when a counselor was trying to get me to read and do things about my marriage when my feelings for my spouse just weren't there. It completely made me crazy and all I wanted to do was get in the car and never return because I felt so pressured. Forcing these feelings can sometimes make things far worse than they already are.

[carhill]

I'm just one MM asking another MM a question. I already know my answers. I won't presume to know his

[BHMM]

Your wife, however, has to live her life within the confines of YOUR choices for her. Don't know that any of us would choose that for ourselves, you're pretty much playing God with her life.

 

I see and understand all your arguments, I really do, I just will never agree. I think that you're in a lose-lose situation, but I think your choice to sweep it under the rug is cruel.

I totally see and understand yours as well. Just agree to disagreee and leave it at that.

[greengoddess]

Honestly, I think he needs to heal from his previous relationship with the OW before he can sincerely get back into having personal and intimate time with his wife. If he does it now, it will lack sincerity. He needs to give himself time right now. I remember when a counselor was trying to get me to read and do things about my marriage when my feelings for my spouse just weren't there. It completely made me crazy and all I wanted to do was get in the car and never return because I felt so pressured. Forcing these feelings can sometimes make things far worse than they already are.

 

I agree. He needs to seperate from his wife.

 

Talk about duping people. For 3 years you tell your ow you love her than bam ooops sorry my kids come first.

For 3 years you neglect your wife and kids feelings for the ow and then bam oops here I am let's throw a football.

 

Damn...nice. wow