A MM's perspective

[terrific]

As a former OM (3 weeks NC!) I couldn't agree with this statement more. This has been bothering me all night. I'd almost rather hear that my MW was just using me for sex and to resolve some temporary boredom and discontent. To hear that she is still in love with me and pining for me but still can't and won't pull the trigger and actually leave makes the pain even worse. Frankly, I think my MW WOULD say the same thing as BHMM here. But you know what? I don't want to hear it. It's cold comfort. Oh good! You still love me but still not enough to overcome the practical difficulties of leaving?! GREAT! Lucky me.

 

And I don't mean to bash the OP at all. I don't think his feelings are uncommon. I'm glad he posted this. Certainly generated lots of great discussion.

For what it's worth. I read your story and it has helped me to remain in NC and let him move on with his life. Thank-you for being honest with your feelings.

[woinlove]

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you.

 

Given BHMM's responses to people making this same point, it appears this point can not be repeated often enough. BHMM said he hopes the OW he loves will read his posts, so one can only hope his rationalizations are for her sake and he is not that self-deluded.

[Confused4Now]

Set her free so she can find that same "magic". Because odds are that she can! You- you'll never be able to give it to her. BTW, I speak from experience. My xH did me a favor. Life is great!

Actually the TRUTH shall set you free!!!....BTDT. Its so true!!!

[Confused4Now]

I know I'm coming late to this thread, but welcome, BHMM.

 

 

 

BH, you probably don't mean it as such, but have you considered how insulting this is from your OW's perspective? That - if some other woman didn't want you, she'd finally be good enough for you? That she wasn't good enough to choose of your own free will, but you'd settle for her if you couldn't get your first choice? Have you considered that, if it did happen that your BW found out and kicked you out, and you went to your OW, chances are she'd send you packing, too?

 

BH no woman wants to be second choice. No woman wants to get the consolation prize. Every woman wants to be with someone who chooses to be with them. And you've denied both women this option. You haven't chosen to be with your BW - you've chosen to be with your kids, and your BW is part of that equation, so she gets you by default. If - or when - she finds that out, don't expect relief, sympathy or understanding. Expect hurt, anger and possibly rejection. You have put her in a position no woman wants to be in.

 

And you haven't chosen to be with your OW. If you do go to her now, because your BW kicks you out, she would also get you by default. And she will not offer relief, sympathy or understanding either - she will be angry that she's good enough to be a soft landing, but not good enough to be your first choice.

 

If I were either of those women, my fury would know no bounds.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you. You're projecting what you think would be best for your kids, without actually asking them or exploring the options with a family counsellor. You're second-guessing, based on your own projections. My H did that too, for years, before he finally got the courage together to leave his BW. But before he left, he spoke to them about it and they supported him in leaving. They're far happier how - we all are. My father, OTOH, stayed "for the kids" until we were all grown - and not one of us thought that he did the right thing for us. It was the right thing for him - he got to fulfill his duty and do what a man should do - but we spared no opportunity to tell him again and again that it was a selfish choice, taken in his interest only, and not in ours. Whether or not your kids feel similarly later, only time will tell - but you need to be honest at this point and admit to yourself that your choices are about your own happiness and your own projection about theirs, and not actually about their reality (nor anyone else's).

 

Don't expect any thanks for your "sacrifice", is all I'm saying - if you're not getting enough satisfaction from having done it for yourself, then you'd be wise to reconsider, or you're likely to land up old and embittered, judged and pitied by those you thought you were doing such a favour by deciding for them what you thought would be best...

 

Good luck. I hope you can make it work out for you somehow. And I hope those you love can learn to live with your choices, ultimately.

Spoken perfectly...I couldn't have said it better. Thank you for sharing this OWoman....I would not want to be this guy right now....taking the path of least resistance. UGH

[desertIslandCactus]

Why is everybody pushing this guy to get PM? You want him to stop posting out in the open and take it to PM mode so only certain members can help him and offer him the type of support they feel he needs?

 

He will get PM's once he hits 50 and has been here for a month. He could reach 50 posts in 2 days and still get no PM access.

 

 

 

I need to stop reading replies by others and just read what the original poster says. I'll let someone else reply to this one, but I will say it's very the disrespect here is sickening.

 

This man doesn't HATE his wife. Things seemed be normal before he allowed himself to fall for the exOW. He said that he and his wife had sex, the sex slowed down and didn't happen much during the A and he rejected her often. He, like many MM or MW, buried feelings for his spouse. That love is still there, and he'll figure it out once he gets past what he feels for the OW.

 

 

I agree. Once he heals from his OW, I believe he can have the same relationship with his wife.

 

And for all who think he should tell his wife to set her free, I'm in agreement she should probably be told at some point - but to reBuild their marriage.

 

I don't believe she would leave once told.

[desertIslandCactus]

I know I'm coming late to this thread, but welcome, BHMM.

 

 

 

BH, you probably don't mean it as such, but have you considered how insulting this is from your OW's perspective? That - if some other woman didn't want you, she'd finally be good enough for you? That she wasn't good enough to choose of your own free will, but you'd settle for her if you couldn't get your first choice? Have you considered that, if it did happen that your BW found out and kicked you out, and you went to your OW, chances are she'd send you packing, too?

 

BH no woman wants to be second choice. No woman wants to get the consolation prize. Every woman wants to be with someone who chooses to be with them. And you've denied both women this option. You haven't chosen to be with your BW - you've chosen to be with your kids, and your BW is part of that equation, so she gets you by default. If - or when - she finds that out, don't expect relief, sympathy or understanding. Expect hurt, anger and possibly rejection. You have put her in a position no woman wants to be in.

 

And you haven't chosen to be with your OW. If you do go to her now, because your BW kicks you out, she would also get you by default. And she will not offer relief, sympathy or understanding either - she will be angry that she's good enough to be a soft landing, but not good enough to be your first choice.

 

If I were either of those women, my fury would know no bounds.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you. You're projecting what you think would be best for your kids, without actually asking them or exploring the options with a family counsellor. You're second-guessing, based on your own projections. My H did that too, for years, before he finally got the courage together to leave his BW. But before he left, he spoke to them about it and they supported him in leaving. They're far happier how - we all are. My father, OTOH, stayed "for the kids" until we were all grown - and not one of us thought that he did the right thing for us. It was the right thing for him - he got to fulfill his duty and do what a man should do - but we spared no opportunity to tell him again and again that it was a selfish choice, taken in his interest only, and not in ours. Whether or not your kids feel similarly later, only time will tell - but you need to be honest at this point and admit to yourself that your choices are about your own happiness and your own projection about theirs, and not actually about their reality (nor anyone else's).

 

Don't expect any thanks for your "sacrifice", is all I'm saying - if you're not getting enough satisfaction from having done it for yourself, then you'd be wise to reconsider, or you're likely to land up old and embittered, judged and pitied by those you thought you were doing such a favour by deciding for them what you thought would be best...

 

Good luck. I hope you can make it work out for you somehow. And I hope those you love can learn to live with your choices, ultimately.

 

 

All we know for a fact is that You're happier.

 

As for MM on here, I believe he will be blessed for renewing his marriage.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree. Once he heals from his OW, I believe he can have the same relationship with his wife.

 

What makes you think BHMM can have the same kind of relationship with his wife as he had with his OW? It was not the case before the affair. Why do you believe it would be possible after the affair? What has changed to make a different dynamic possible between BHMM and his wife?

 

OW and I absolutely, undoubtedly had "the magic". I don't expect to find get that back with W, since she and I never had it, but our M can be good and she can be happy without it.

We've never had that kind of super-open relationship anyway.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree. Once he heals from his OW, I believe he can have the same relationship with his wife.

 

And for all who think he should tell his wife to set her free, I'm in agreement she should probably be told at some point - but to reBuild their marriage.

 

I don't believe she would leave once told.

 

 

She may not leave. She may love him enough to want to stay married to him. She may want to stay married for the children also. She may want to have an A herself...but all those things can only happen if she knows and can make a choice. Who wants to be tricked into staying married? Not WS, not BS. It is wrong from any angle.

[OM1]

For what it's worth. I read your story and it has helped me to remain in NC and let him move on with his life. Thank-you for being honest with your feelings.

 

I'm glad it helped.

[SidLyon]

I have on occasion quietly questioned the authenticity of a fBW here, who claims she is having the most wonderful and loving reconciliation. I honestly believe that her WH is long gone with his OW, hence the venom that drips from her fingers everytime she types, but who am I to say anything outloud? If she wants to try and convince the world and it makes her feel better to make people believe that she is reconciled and happy, so be it. Far be it from me to call her out on it.

.

 

What a thing to say! I think we can all see what you mean though.

[Ellin]

There is something about this bolded statement that drives me bananas.

 

(not the poster of course, because she is beautiful, just the statement )

 

My xMM said this at the end, something like "you should understand that at the time, I really felt like I could do it, I even was planning when..."

 

I was speechless at the idea. And furthermore, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD'S UP THEN BUDDY??? Like my god, how long were you keeping that little turn of events to yourself?

 

When that kind of statement is associated with a grown adult, it makes my ears bleed. It just sounds like something my 16 year old would say. "Gosh mom, at the time I really wanted to get to that homework, but as it turns out, I just couldn't ...."

 

And all I know is that I don't miss a deadline at work without explaining myself, so this one is just impossible for me to digest if you're not below the age of 7....

 

I'm sorry that my statement drove you bananas. I completely understand your frustration with what your xMM said.

 

But it seems to be true that some MM do mean it when they tell their OW that they want and will leave M. Then the reality of it turns out too hard to bear, as they did not envision all the problems, complications and difficult emotions that it entails.

 

Some might be more or less consciously lying when they make these promises and lying when they say "at the time I thought I could do it" - maybe they never intended to do it.

 

But others seem to genuinely plan to do it. Many ATTEMPT to do it - they move out of their marital home and start living on their own or with OW, then "the reality smacks in the face". These MM obviously don't lie when they promise, if they did, there would be no reason for them to take such a drastic step as that would serve no purpose, only put them in huge trouble.

 

In all truth we all do that - promise others or ourselves that we'll do this or that differently in future, only to later see ourselves repeating our old patterns. Sometimes these promises are small, sometimes big.

 

Of course an adult should not do this - but only in a perfect world..

 

That doesn't take away from the pain that was caused to you by someone's empty promises, lack of courage and integrity.

 

Hope you're well.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Ellin

[Ellin]

Pay for the PM, and I will tell you all about it.

 

Hey, Terrific, you can PM me and tell me. I need someone to support and share with each other.

[terrific]

BHMM, how was your day today? Better than mine I hope.....grrrr.

[Dexter Morgan]

But if somehow the W or the kids ceased to exist, he'd be with his OW in a heartbeat. I'd put money on it.

 

and that would be fine. they'll be saving 2 other people in the world, the wife, and some poor unsuspecting man out there.

[Ellin]

BH, you probably don't mean it as such, but have you considered how insulting this is from your OW's perspective? That - if some other woman didn't want you, she'd finally be good enough for you? That she wasn't good enough to choose of your own free will, but you'd settle for her if you couldn't get your first choice? Have you considered that, if it did happen that your BW found out and kicked you out, and you went to your OW, chances are she'd send you packing, too?

That would be the case if he chose his W over OW because he in the end realised that he valued and loved his W more than OW for who she is and didn't want to lose her, but it's not how it is. He LOVES OW, not W, can't even have sex with W - so he didn't choose her for HER. He did it for different reasons, but his heart is with OW.

 

If W divorced him, then the reasons he's staying would be instantly removed and he couldn't stop it from happening. Then he'd be free to be where he WANTS to be, but feels unable due to having RESPONSIBILITIES elsewhere.

 

Of course this could look differently from the OW's point of view, but technically OW is his first choice in terms of love, but cannot be because of the circumstances.

BH no woman wants to be second choice. No woman wants to get the consolation prize. Every woman wants to be with someone who chooses to be with them.

The OW in question wanted the A to carry on even if he never left W, so it is likely she would happily accept him, had he come to her because of D inititated by W.

 

Although I know you find it difficult to understand.

 

You're doing neither of them a favour, and I hope you're honest enough with yourself to recognise that this is, ultimately, all about you. You're projecting what you think would be best for your kids, without actually asking them or exploring the options with a family counsellor. You're second-guessing, based on your own projections. My H did that too, for years, before he finally got the courage together to leave his BW. But before he left, he spoke to them about it and they supported him in leaving. They're far happier how - we all are. My father, OTOH, stayed "for the kids" until we were all grown - and not one of us thought that he did the right thing for us. It was the right thing for him - he got to fulfill his duty and do what a man should do - but we spared no opportunity to tell him again and again that it was a selfish choice, taken in his interest only, and not in ours. Whether or not your kids feel similarly later, only time will tell - but you need to be honest at this point and admit to yourself that your choices are about your own happiness and your own projection about theirs, and not actually about their reality (nor anyone else's).

 

Don't expect any thanks for your "sacrifice", is all I'm saying - if you're not getting enough satisfaction from having done it for yourself, then you'd be wise to reconsider, or you're likely to land up old and embittered, judged and pitied by those you thought you were doing such a favour by deciding for them what you thought would be best...

 

Good luck. I hope you can make it work out for you somehow. And I hope those you love can learn to live with your choices, ultimately.

 

Perhaps his situation is different from your H's or your father's. First of all this MM's children seem to be very young as he mentions putting them to bed at night. This is a completely different setting from one where the children are old enough to understand and discuss such issues.

 

I also wanted my father to leave my mother (but I'm not sure if he stayed just "for the kids"). I wanted him to leave because of what my mother was like and that's why I believed that I would have much better R with him if he was out of it.

 

It's perhaps different when both spouses are good parents and doing their best for the children and agree that it is good enough for them. You (general) will now say she has not agreed as she's not aware of the whole situation but I think she has in some part because she know things aren't going well in the M but is against separation.

 

I can understand OP's reasoning to a great degree. I never really cheated but I imagine that if I was in this situation - loved another man but had a H and children, and the H would be decent and devoted to family life - I would not leave him for the man of my dreams if that entailed losing custody of my young children. I wouldn't be able to do it - as simple as that.

[BHMM]

OP, today, how much private time will you spend with your wife? No kids, no distractions. Personal, intimate, husband and wife time.

 

What do you want to say or do during that time?

 

Our MC taught the tool of one positive thought, word and action per day; the concept of simplicity.

 

I acknowledge your fOW was a very important person in your life. What are your wishes for her, reflective of the honest love you had for her?

 

In reading your thread, I sense you have a clear path in mind. It's a path, like any path, with positives, negatives, choices and consequences. It's not clean nor simple. Can you accept the imperfection of your path? Your feelings? Acceptance is another key aspect we learned in MC. The three majors were: communication, clarity and acceptance.

 

Do you think that everyone who participates in MC is honest in that place? Why? Do you think their honesty or lack thereof has a marked bearing on the process? If you choose not to be honest with your wife about your affair, do you think you could still use the tools learned in MC to recover your marriage to a healthy place? Why?

 

Credentials: MM, divorcing, no kids. I disclosed my affair prior to and within MC.

 

FWIW, IMO, since you appear to have significant love for your W, even if not of the currently passionate sort, I think your M is recoverable. I hope things work out for you

Thanks for your thoughtful post carhill, I appreciate you taking the time. You gave me a lot to consider.

[BHMM]

Hi BHMM,

 

I am really glad you posted a thread, you caused those who watch from a distance that didn't communicate to mostlikely feel a bit better about themselves by being human, this would concern OM/OW, WS's and a few BS's.

 

Thank you for having as much class as you do...I don't want the other posters to misunderstand my next statement, although feel very led to communicate it (this is my belief only)...I know that my heart is evil beyond repair, and that really I deserve nothing, BUT I was bought with a price, and because of Jesus I deserve everything because He says I do...it's because of Him that I am anything at all.

 

You DO deserve your W, and she deserves you and I wish you and your family every good thing under the sun...be in peace, and after all is said, noone really knows your sitch but you and your W.

 

We're all broken people, some will admit it and some won't.

 

I sensed you have to do what you are doing...I am of the opinion that God is in control, so if your M is meant to be it will come to pass...bottom line is you are doing the right thing, not only for you, although for all concerned which is in fact unselfish.

 

There are some people that have to dig into every little detail and know everything in order to survive, that is their deal of course...I don't, I already know what I need to for today...I'm one of those people that doesn't care...your W I think is the same, and I would venture to say she already does know about the A, and I bet you know a few things about her too!

 

(((((((((((BHMM)))))))))))

Thanks pureinheart for your kind and insightful post. It meant a lot to me.

[BHMM]

Nowhere in any of your posts do you show what specific ACTIONS other than spending more time at home with your wife and kids you are going to get this marriage back on track.

 

In fact your answer if your wife found out and wanted a divorce was to go back to OW

 

You don't know why you had the affair so what happens when the next OW comes along that you cannot leave alone?

 

Seriously, you need therapy. A 3+ yr affair isn't something that can be brushed under the carpet or the cracks papered over.

 

And by the way, I'm not your OW. I truly hope she never finds your thread to see how callous you are in that if your wife didn't want you then you would go back to her, like she was 2nd choice.

I don't have an answer for specific concrete actions I'm undertaking to repair the M. Right now I'm here more and spending a lot more time with my W, which is making her happy/ier. I consider that progress. I assume this is going to be a long road back.

 

I don't disagree I need therapy. I admit I'm a mess and it's all I can do to hold it together lately.

[BHMM]

By default, by your wife's hands. NOT because you "chose" the OW.

 

If your wife divorced you, I would hope that you'd consider counseling and be alone for a long time before jumping into any type of relationship, let alone one with your exOW (you should start calling her that since she isn't your OW anymore).

 

When one leaves their spouse for someone else, trust eventually is going to be an issue when the honeymoon phase is over and reality sets in, all the daily grind of stuff, kids, getting used to a new life, a person's habits, faults, the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

As for your exOW, don't contact her. She may be miserable, or maybe she's doing better than you think. Either way, she's a grown woman and I'm sure has had her heart broken before.

 

She chose to knowingly get involved with a MM with kids, so it's not like she went into the A with you blind.

I would choose the OW over my W, all things being equal. But I am committed to raising my kids in this intact family so all things aren't equal. I know that sucks to hear but I've made my decision and I'm going to see it through.

 

I won't contact exOW, thank you for reinforcing that.

[BHMM]

Yes, BHMM has said as much (in a nicer way). Of course, if the OW ceased to exist, he'd also be with his W, as he is now. But, one does get the sense that in BHMM's dream world, his W would cease to exist, and he'd live happily ever after with his OW and his kids. Wait...he did say he was worried about cheating on his OW if he ended up with her. Hmmm, not much of a dream world.

I never claimed any part of this mess to be any kind of dream world. There are no real great outcomes because of the mess I caused. Right now the best-case is me trying to rebuild the M and being a present loving dad.

[BHMM]

I hope you mean that (the bolded bit).

 

I'm a fBW in a reconciling marriage. Our situation is not dissimilar to yours but we are 5 years further on.

 

My H had an affair lasting 3.5 years (and yes they loved each other just to get that out of the way). The affair ended 5 years ago without me finding out. It ended so they could both return to make their marriages work. Is this starting to sound familiar?

 

Had I noticed the disconnect between my H and I during the A? - yes I did.

 

Did I notice that he was around more when the A ended? - yes I noticed that too.

 

Did I work out that he'd been having an affair? - no I didn't.

 

Did my H have any idea how to improve our marriage? - no he didn't.

 

Was it enough for him to simply be around me and the kids more? - no it wasn't.

 

Did our marriage improve? - sadly no it didn't.

 

Then 3 years later he became desperate - we were living in a distant marriage and there was little emotional connection. The same OW came back into his life (single this time) and so they went for it. This time I did find out and we had a d-day.

 

My H then made a choice (lucky him) and chose me/family (it's what he had chosen before as you have done). To cut a long story short we have spent the last 2 years rebuilding our marriage from scratch.

 

Perhaps if he'd had the benefit of somewhere like LS then he could have steered us on a course of rebuilding our marriage without me ever finding out - we'll never know. For us it took a d-day for us to find ourselves again. We have rebuilt our marriage and we have re-established intimacy and a close emotional connection. We also have an active sex life.

 

So it is possible to rebuild - it's easier with 2 on board and while I think the BW has a right to know I can see you don't want to tell her. That means you will have to do it by yourself and my advice is simply being around more will not achieve it - you quite possibly will end up just like my H, mourning your OW and having no idea how to fix your marriage. He and I were both in the same marriage and it was soul-destroying for both of us. Even if you don't ever tell your wife please read about how to rebuild a marriage and just do it.

 

I know I put you under the griller yesterday and I'm sorry for that.

Thanks for sharing your experience SL. It is always good to read stories where couples are able to reconcile their M after something like this. It really underscores how much work I'll need to do to rebuild the M, especially with the handicap of my W not knowing about things. Good advice and good story.

 

No worries about yesterday, I'm sorry too. Emotions run high on LS!

[Confused4Now]

I hope you mean that (the bolded bit).

 

I'm a fBW in a reconciling marriage. Our situation is not dissimilar to yours but we are 5 years further on.

 

My H had an affair lasting 3.5 years (and yes they loved each other just to get that out of the way). The affair ended 5 years ago without me finding out. It ended so they could both return to make their marriages work. Is this starting to sound familiar?

 

Had I noticed the disconnect between my H and I during the A? - yes I did.

 

Did I notice that he was around more when the A ended? - yes I noticed that too.

 

Did I work out that he'd been having an affair? - no I didn't.

 

Did my H have any idea how to improve our marriage? - no he didn't.

 

Was it enough for him to simply be around me and the kids more? - no it wasn't.

 

Did our marriage improve? - sadly no it didn't.

 

Then 3 years later he became desperate - we were living in a distant marriage and there was little emotional connection. The same OW came back into his life (single this time) and so they went for it. This time I did find out and we had a d-day.

 

My H then made a choice (lucky him) and chose me/family (it's what he had chosen before as you have done). To cut a long story short we have spent the last 2 years rebuilding our marriage from scratch.

 

Perhaps if he'd had the benefit of somewhere like LS then he could have steered us on a course of rebuilding our marriage without me ever finding out - we'll never know. For us it took a d-day for us to find ourselves again. We have rebuilt our marriage and we have re-established intimacy and a close emotional connection. We also have an active sex life.

 

So it is possible to rebuild - it's easier with 2 on board and while I think the BW has a right to know I can see you don't want to tell her. That means you will have to do it by yourself and my advice is simply being around more will not achieve it - you quite possibly will end up just like my H, mourning your OW and having no idea how to fix your marriage. He and I were both in the same marriage and it was soul-destroying for both of us. Even if you don't ever tell your wife please read about how to rebuild a marriage and just do it.

 

I know I put you under the griller yesterday and I'm sorry for that.

Read this BHMM from someone who's been there. I'd like to get your take on this as well....

[BHMM]

I dont see any inconsistency between having an A and saying I dont want to cause my family any more hurt.

 

People do the wrong thing all the time none of us are perfect. And at a certain point you catch yourself and say what am I doing, this is wrong and you pull back and do the right thing. I dont see it as altruistic either. I see it as doing the right thing.

 

There is nothing "selfless" in deciding not to cheat on your wife anymore. You are married. You have taken a vow to forsake all others. What you are doing is cleaning up your act.

 

I can understand why BH doesnt want to tell his W. The issue is not the OW. The issue is why are they so emotionally estranged that he allowed himself to cross the line and to have an A in the first place. If he can find a way of discussing that with her and they can begin to resolve those issues, then the marriage may have a chance.

 

I think many of us, myself included, think that people should live for "the love". Life isnt always that way and many marriages arent that way. There are plenty of people who get and stay married with a more arms length emotional relationship. Not that they dont care deeply for one another, but perhaps they are a bit more aloof or distant in their relationship than others may be. And that works for them. Its not for us to say no you need to go for the passion and the love. Its his call.

 

BH you face the same difficulty the man I was involved with faced. He had a fond relationship with his W built on respect and many years together but there was never any real passion. She isnt that kind of person (and I know Ive met her several times and know many people who know her). Their relationship was built on other commonalities and their marriage continues for those reasons.

 

I have a very different temperament from his W and most of the women he knows and the relationship was far different than any he had ever had. So its haunting. Youve signed up for something that is what you are supposed to do, it works generally. You find something that ticks those unticked boxes you thought you could live without. But once you have basked in the sun, its hard to go back to the shade. You can do it, but the memories of basking in the sun stay with you.

 

And BH stay strong as you dont plan on leaving, DONT contact the OW. Very very unfair to her. (just a reminder)

Thanks jj, that was an incredible post that described a lot of elements of my situation.

 

I won't contact exOW, I know it would just hurt her and I've put her through enough.

[2sunny]

BHMM - forgive me if i missed the details - can you explain exactly what happened at the end of your A with your OW? did she pressure you so much to end it? did you have any specific reason that fueled the end result?

 

what was it exactly that made things end... her not having her needs met and you not being capable of giving her what she wanted/needed? or was it just the guilt of the family life that made you try to put more effort into your home life?

[BHMM]

The seemingly contradiction between altruistic and selfish behavior in a long term affair with a great level of emotional involvement can be described as a split self.

 

The married person (and his/her spouse) has for a long time suppressed his own emotional self and strived to do the right thing, to do what is expected of him. Through the involvement in the affair he finally gets an outlet and an opportunity for contact with this lost part of himself. It is irresistible. At the same time he is greatly torn between the part of him that wants to do the right thing and the part of him that needs contact with this emotional self.

 

AmIWrong, about the inconsistency in telling or not, my personal opinion would be that the married person is so used to suppressing himself, his needs, his emotions and keeping up the impression of doing everything right. Doing everything right is most likely a survival mechanism learnt already in the family of origin. It is very difficult to change this way of behavior. It has served him well so far in life.

 

Looking at my own MM, he was the good child growing up. To make this impression possible, he had a hidden inner life, a hidden part of himself that he showed to no one. What happens when the affair starts, is that for the first time in his life, the MM shares this part of himself with someone. This inner life is still hidden though, as the affair is hidden, it has not been integrated with his regular life and his public self.

 

BHMM, is the above something you can relate to? Something you feel applies to you?

Yes, a lot of what you described could apply to me. I shared a lot of my most private, hidden parts of myself with OW, which helped build that bond we shared.