A MM's perspective

[BHMM]

If I were your OW, BHMM, and your OP sounds just like my MM could have written it, I would be very much helped by reading your words. I would not feel like 2nd choice. I would understand that it is not about choosing between two women. It is about choosing family before love and emotional connection.

I'm glad you posted this jennie, it's encouraging to know someone understands what I meant when I said that, and what I'm dealing with (admittedly of my own doing).

 

Thanks again.

[terrific]

Yes, a lot of what you described could apply to me. I shared a lot of my most private, hidden parts of myself with OW, which helped build that bond we shared.

That is the hardest part for me, the sharing. I am working very hard on that one w/ H and am realizing it is not something we have done in a long time and it almost feels unnatural. One baby step at a time soldier, we can do this!

[Ellin]

Yes, a lot of what you described could apply to me. I shared a lot of my most private, hidden parts of myself with OW, which helped build that bond we shared.

 

After reading this sentence I felt curious as to the reasons why you could share these private hidden part with OW and not your W?

 

If it's hard to answer, you can ignore my question.

[John Who]

I am not a believer in staying together for the sake of the kids,A marriage will never work for the sake of the kids if love,respect and honesty is not there.

 

You may think you are there for the kids and only time will tell,maybe you will realize that you are still in love with your W or maybe you will realize nothing is there and if you do,you should end the M give her a chance to find someone who will love her respect her and be honest with her.

 

BTW I would never compare losing my OW and the death of a loved one as a similar feeling,I have experienced both and OW does not even come close.

[BHMM]

BH - I hope I was clear in my message because when I went back and read it I wasn't clean to me. I meant that while I love my kids, I don't live my life for them. I have to live it for me, and be me, because if I don't then I'm lost, and I can't be there for them if I'm lost.

 

As for the rest, I hope it does help. Being lost like that is a scary place. Someone else suggested IC, which might not be a bad idea.

 

Anyway, keep us posted. I will be curious how it turns out for you. You weren't able to keep your vow to your wife, or your promises to your OW. How about making a promise/vow to yourself. If in a year (or two since that for some reason seems to be the magic number) you have't connected, haven't rekindled etc, you consider leaving. This time you aren't leaving for the OW but rather for yourself and your own needs, and because your wife deserves it. Your OW is already being allowed to get on with her life. Also...make a vow that you will leave before cheating again. Make it not for your wife, not for your kids, but for you. For your need to be able to respect yourself when you look in the mirror. If you want the person bad enough to cheat, then it needs to be bad enough to leave. You have gone down this path...remember the pain, and the ow's pain, and imagine the wife's pain....don't do it again. Leave first.

 

CCL

Your message was clear, I got that you live for you and not your kids. I thought that was a nicely put, healthy perspective.

 

It is scary, because I do feel lost. Like adrift in the middle of the ocean sometimes. I am going to look into some kind of IC.

 

I will keep everyone posted, and I will strongly consider your words of advice.

 

Thanks for replying CCL, I really appreciate you taking the time.

[BHMM]

Okay, Well I have only managed to catch up to page 18, and now I have to go to work. Damnit!!

 

Anyway, I see BHMM that you want PM privledges, and honestly, I think you could really use them right now, so if someone will contact Tony and find out if I can do it, I am willing to pay for your suporting membership to get them for you, since I know that putting them on your own credit card would open the door for your wife to find this site, and hence out the affair.

 

Someone let me know what I need to do to pay for his membership, and I will take care of it in the next 24-48 hrs.

 

Hugs, FA

Thanks very much for the offer, but please don't do that; I can wait 27 more days. As you mentioned, I'm holding off because I don't want "LS.org" showing up on the cc statement. Good looking out.

[BHMM]

BHMM,

 

I think the hardest part of your getting over the OW is imagining her life wasted with pining away for you. I think if you could really wrap your head around the fact that she is/will be okay, that you could let go and move forward. But as long as you are worrying about her you are stagnant.

 

The truth is that your OW is probably in a pretty dark place right now. She probably is also having trouble sleeping, eating, coping. She too is probably going through the motions of her life, acting normally to outside eyes, but feeling very disconnected from it all.

 

But, and here is what is most important for you... She will get better. She will start to have days where she smiles again. She will eventually eat and sleep and live normally again. She will learn to smile and laugh again. And I can say with almost 100 percent surety, that she will one day love again.

 

It will not be easy for her, but one day she will wake up and find that you are not her first thought. She will start to have days that she doesn't think of you at all. She will start to feel connected to other people, and she will survive this.

 

When you start to really believe that, you will be able to start to move forward in your own healing.

 

Now, I really have to go to work....

 

Hope your today is better than your yesterday, and that your tomorrow is better than your today....

 

Hugs again, FA

FA,

 

Thank you for this post, it really meant a lot to me to read this perspective. I hope she's moving on okay, and I really hope she's doing a lot better than I am.

 

We tried to end it so many times, and sometimes talked about how our lives would be if we ended things and continued on separate paths. It's still strange to think that it's really over, and we're on those paths now. Of course because I'm still in love with her it hurts to think of her loving someone else, but I know that's what has to happen, and I really want her to be happy.

 

Thanks again for the great post. Hope you had a good day too.

[BHMM]

If you really want to be with your wife - at all costs - Don't break NC. It will set you back more months than you can imagine. If in your heart you're still undecided, maybe some kind of closure may be necessary for you to have some sort of peace.

(One other thing - worrying like this, will eventually affect your health - Been there myself)

I won't break NC, I promise. I don't know about closure, it's so strange to think that it's really over. I may be undecided in my heart, but I feel like I know what I have to do, which is why ended the A. So maybe I'm faking it till I make it right now.

 

You have talked of the "Magic" you & this other woman had. You say you loved/love her. I totally get that.

You have also said that you don't think that you can have that with your wife. I beg to differ. If you do put your mind, heart & soul into it - Yes! You most definitely can.

I do however worry where you have mentioned that you & your wife have NEVER had that king of love or magic. Ask yourself this.......Are you 100% positive in that statement.

I know this is a debatable topic, when the AP looks back on the M and revises history in order to justify the A and say "My M was never like this." But I opened up to exOW more than I ever have with my W. I'm sure things were intensified due to the secrecy of the A, but my W and I never connected the way exOW and I did. Maybe that is something I can build with my W though.

 

You must do what YOU think is right. I've read so many threads here in LS where posters have badgered folks into telling their spouses of affairs. Next thing you read is "Well I Told Her/Him"....& all hell breaks loose.

I am with you on your decision not to tell her. If she knows & someday she chooses to come forward with whatever 'evidence' she has - well that's a bridge you'll have to cross when the time comes. Until then, I think you're doing the right thing in not telling.

 

Folks that are appaled that you choose your wife after telling your OW that you loved her so dearly & you attempted to leave a few times & that you dreamed of being together......That happens EVERYDAY!!!

Thanks for the support. I'm going to move forward trying to rebuild the M without telling W about the A. I feel like it's the right decision.

[BHMM]

As far as you know. She could be talking to a good friend, though.

 

Or maybe she's found a forum like you have and is getting support that way.

 

Have you told anybody about your affair? Bestfriend, a friend, sibling, a parent?

She could be talking to a friend, but I doubt it.

 

I really hope she's found a forum like this or some means of support.

 

I haven't told anyone (except LS).

[BHMM]

I was going to offer to pay as well! You have a good heart FA

Thanks terrific, but please don't. I can wait 4 weeks (or should I post my email? or is that not allowed?).

[terrific]

Thanks terrific, but please don't. I can wait 4 weeks (or should I post my email? or is that not allowed?).

I have no idea, but then the whole world will see it. Theme song of the day, Mockingbird, Rob Thomas.

[crazycatlady]

Your message was clear, I got that you live for you and not your kids. I thought that was a nicely put, healthy perspective.

 

It is scary, because I do feel lost. Like adrift in the middle of the ocean sometimes. I am going to look into some kind of IC.

 

I will keep everyone posted, and I will strongly consider your words of advice.

 

Thanks for replying CCL, I really appreciate you taking the time.

 

Ok, I wasn't sure. I reread it and was like "erm, could take it that either way". So I wanted to make sure, but at the same did I didn't want to go "YOU MUST DO THIS" LOL. Or even hound you with my point of view over and over.

 

You have a hard road to go. Even with love and passion between you and your W recovering from an affair is a hard road. Without, is going to be difficult. I do think before you can recover the marriage - if - you must recover YOU.

 

People always talk about how selfish affairs can be. While I agree with that - it is selfish - a lot of the times its almost a self-medication for what ails you. Even if you don't stay in your marriage, your kids will benefit from you finding you.

 

So don't wait. Talk to your wife - you don't have to confess. But just tell her you have been dealing with some crap, depression, trouble sleeping and want to go to IC. This will also open things up between you two to really get to know each other again. She needs to become your confidant now.

 

Best of luck.

 

CCL

[BHMM]

As a former OM (3 weeks NC!) I couldn't agree with this statement more. This has been bothering me all night. I'd almost rather hear that my MW was just using me for sex and to resolve some temporary boredom and discontent. To hear that she is still in love with me and pining for me but still can't and won't pull the trigger and actually leave makes the pain even worse. Frankly, I think my MW WOULD say the same thing as BHMM here. But you know what? I don't want to hear it. It's cold comfort. Oh good! You still love me but still not enough to overcome the practical difficulties of leaving?! GREAT! Lucky me.

 

And I don't mean to bash the OP at all. I don't think his feelings are uncommon. I'm glad he posted this. Certainly generated lots of great discussion.

I can see how it could be taken this way, but she knows how much I struggled with the idea of what D would do to my kids, and what that would do to me.

 

I guess with the way things ended and the way I'm missing her this was just a ridiculous way to let her (or OWs) know that I still love her. Like writing a letter that you throw away before sending it.

 

Thanks for posting OM1, and good luck in your NC.

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks terrific, but please don't. I can wait 4 weeks (or should I post my email? or is that not allowed?).

 

I don't think it is allowed....

 

**note** I once saw someone post an email account that they made specifically to exchange REAL email account info with someone on the board. They went and got a free yahoo/gmail/hotmail whatever account.. had the people he wanted to correspond with write him there, and then got their email addys that way...

 

That said, I don't think we are supposed to do it, so you may get a slap on the wrist and some points for doing it. Fair Warning!

[stillafool]

Honestly, the way I feel now, I don't know if I'd care, other than worrying about how it would affect the kids. Part of that is probably guilt and me feeling like I deserve it, I've neglected our M for so long, and turnabout is fair play. And maybe part of me thinks, if she had an A, then the M would be over, and it would be a way out? Sad I know.

 

Well if you feel this way about your wife it is really selfish not to come clean with what you have done and how you feel. It may surprise you that your wife may be just hanging on by a thread in your marriage for the kids sake also. Maybe if you told the truth you both can do what you want and still stay married for the kids sake. Staying for the kids is a decision that should be made by both spouses.

 

 

Someone mentioned it is counterproductive to tell the spouse about an affair when you want to stay for your kids. But without telling them this truth, I feel the WS is really showing that they put their own wants ahead of the entire family. They had an affair because that is what they wanted, they chose to stay in a marriage because they don't want to lose their possessions and to see their kids on a daily basis; because this is what they wanted. Everything is what you want with no consideration as to what is best for your family as a whole. Your wife is ignorant to everything that is happening in her life while you are making the decisions as to what is best and easiest for you. Your W is supposed to stay married to a man who doesn't love her (but she doesn't know this) and never have a chance at true love. I also feel sorry for the OW, because I bet if she had known 6 months into your affair that you weren't ever going to put yourself out on a limb, she wouldn't have stuck around wasting 3-1/2 years of her life. She may have moved on to someone else and had her own husband and family by now.

[Fallen Angel]

I can see how it could be taken this way, but she knows how much I struggled with the idea of what D would do to my kids, and what that would do to me.

 

I guess with the way things ended and the way I'm missing her this was just a ridiculous way to let her (or OWs) know that I still love her. Like writing a letter that you throw away before sending it.

 

Thanks for posting OM1, and good luck in your NC.

 

BHMM,

 

You have really been put through the wringer here, but know that there are some of us who understand you more than you think.

 

My Sweetheart stays in his marriage for his child. I am told regularly that it is just an excuse. I don't think it is. I see him obviously torn between his love for me and his love for his child.

 

We are closing in on the end of our MM/OW relationship. His child will be "grown" in less than two years, and I am determined to stick it out with him. If at that time he chooses to stay in his marriage, then we will go our separate ways.

 

I have tried to let him go. I have tried to tell him to go fix what is broken in his marriage, but he has always come back. He says what is broken can not be fixed. He does not hate his wife. He respects and even loves her, but they have never bonded as he has with me.

 

He says that it simply isn't possible. He has tried in the past, and he gave up trying long before there was me. He went through a series of OW over the years, but none long term, and none EA. He says he never found the connection he was looking for until me.

 

We have been together for several years now. Our relationship is different from yours in that his wife is aware of our affair. She, too, chooses to stay for the child.

 

I don't happen to agree that staying for the kids is the right thing to do. I don't agree with it because i made the mistake of doing just that in my own marriage for far, far too long. I was miserable, my children were miserable. Only my now xH was happy.

 

I finally made the choice to choose my own happiness above all others. I left. I am happier. My children are happier. We are doing well. But the truth is, if I were a man, and I would have had to give up my children in order to seek my own happiness, I would likely still be stuck in that poop-hole town, in that poop-hole of a marriage.

 

I just wanted you to know that someone "gets" you. I understand why you are making the choice you are making, even if I don't necissarily agree with it.

 

I will say that if you really do attempt to reconcile your marriage, and you are not making progress after awhile despite your efforts, you may need to reconsider your choice. Not meaning I think you should go find your exOW and rekindle a relationship with her, but that you need to find a way to make your life happier. Children with happy parents are happy children, even if their parents are apart in order to find their happiness.

 

Good luck to you. I know how torn you are and how much you are hurting right now. I wish I had some magic words that could help you, but I do not. I am simply not eloquent enough to find them. But I wish you peace above all else. And I wish you joy. And I wish you love. Real love.

 

(((hugs to you friend)))

 

*p.s. My offer stands on the LS subscription. It is only a couple of bucks and I would pay it one hundered times over if it would help you to find the peace you are seeking.

[Fallen Angel]

lilybart, can i ask why you have disdain for the original posters wife? i asked because of the words you used and the tone i read in your post. and how do you get the wife to be the default choice? the original poster is choosing to stay married. and if he had not been married in the first place, he may never have met the wife. so to remove the wife and kids from the equation, nullifies the answer since the equation has changed.

 

are you an other woman who was in a relationship with a married man and he either rejected you and chose his family or has chosen to not leave his wife for you? you seem to have a lot of anger/hatred towards a woman who you don't know nor are you somehow involved in this man's triangle. why are you so seemingly upset at the wife? because she is the one the original poster chose?

 

Hockey,

 

I agree that lily's post comes off a bit "angry" but I think it has more to do with a typo than intent.

 

But just to clarify, the OP has stated that all things being equal (if the choice was simply between the two women and the kids were not a part of the equation) that he would choose his OW. (It is here in the thread somewhere, but I did not go back to find it as the thread is VERY long, so I am paraphrasing rather than directly quoting him.)

 

That being said means that his W is his default choice. She "wins" her husband by the default of having given birth to his children.

 

Perhaps in time, with some healing and hard work from him, his perspective will change and she will be his first choice. But as it stands, in this moment, she is the default choice.

[OpenBook]

Haven't read the whole thread (my, it's a long one!) but I'm glad you posted your story here BHMM. A lot of us have spent a lot of time on this forum guessing and speculating and arguing with each other over what goes thru an MM's mind, and this is a rare glimpse into it. It's great to finally get that "straight-from-the-horse's-mouth" perspective.

 

I'm not surprised you aren't attracted to your W after so many years of marriage, that you were vulnerable to an A because of the doldrums of a marriage gone stale (I'm assuming here, from what I've read in this thread). I believe it happens in most long-term marriages, that dull slow onset of complacent funk that sets in. I'm a big believer in "familiarity breeds contempt" - especially for men (just the way they're built, God Bless 'Em).

 

That said, I'd like to ask you if you've ever considered that if you had met your OW (instead of your W) all those years ago, courted her, married her and had kids with her, that you would now find yourself in the exact same place as you are now with your W?

 

And maybe this is (unconsciously) a big reason why you didn't leave your marriage for the OW? That you knew on some level you'd have to start allllllllllllll over again with somebody else, and eventually get to the same place anyway?

 

Also, do you think you're idealizing your OW, projecting so many of your own wonderful fantasies onto her? If so, it would be impossible for her (or anyone else) to live up to all that over a long period of time.

 

Just some thoughts from a former OW. I know how it feels to say goodbye to someone you really love, and I'm sorry you are suffering this. I hope above all else that you are kind to your W and kids no matter how you feel inside. They love you very much; and that is a precious gift, any way you look at it.

[eleanorrigby]

If you have been reading LS for years then you will already know that I'm a fBW who is fairly successfully rebuilding/reconciling a marriage. if that's what you want to do (really?) you would be better off on the Infidelity Board asking how to go about it, rather than trying to reassure OWs that their MM really cared about them.

I have not finished this thread but had to put an AMEN to this part! I get the feeling this entire thread is a love letter to his OW. Somehow, amazingly, she will get the link to this thread... then (oh noes!) the affair will start again.

[2sunny]

I have not finished this thread but had to put an AMEN to this part! I get the feeling this entire thread is a love letter to his OW. Somehow, amazingly, she will get the link to this thread... then (oh noes!) the affair will start again.

 

maybe this MM knows his OW is here and this is his way of communicating with her.

 

it seems that a MM who intended to end the A and stay in his M as his top priority would be focusing all his time and energy on how to FIX his M - not post about his long lost OW.

 

IF you intend to stay married - how about putting forth your efforts into finding a more productive way to be happy in your M - that YOU chose.

 

is your OW here on this forum - it looks that way to me...

[eleanorrigby]

Though I don't feel like I "may as well still be having the affair" - I couldn't waste any more of OW's time,

 

But you were willing to waste your wife's time for three years? That's cold.

 

As I've said, just redirecting all the energy and attention I used to put ito the A, back into my M and onto my W.

 

How are you redirecting the energy and attention you used to put into your affair towards your marriage and wife when you are over here on the OW/OM forum pining and carrying a torch for the OW?

 

I'll have to think about the LC thing down the line. I think it would be fine, I'm not worried about backsliding (trust me, it is over); I just don't know if I could handle hearing about her moving on, etc. But of course I want to know that she's okay, and I would hope she wonders about me too.

 

oh wow.. if you are even giving low contact a moments thought then you are not trying to work on your marriage.

Edited September 2, 2010 by eleanorrigby

[Mimolicious]

I'm sorry that my statement drove you bananas. I completely understand your frustration with what your xMM said.

 

But it seems to be true that some MM do mean it when they tell their OW that they want and will leave M. Then the reality of it turns out too hard to bear, as they did not envision all the problems, complications and difficult emotions that it entails.

 

Some might be more or less consciously lying when they make these promises and lying when they say "at the time I thought I could do it" - maybe they never intended to do it.

 

But others seem to genuinely plan to do it. Many ATTEMPT to do it - they move out of their marital home and start living on their own or with OW, then "the reality smacks in the face". These MM obviously don't lie when they promise, if they did, there would be no reason for them to take such a drastic step as that would serve no purpose, only put them in huge trouble.

 

In all truth we all do that - promise others or ourselves that we'll do this or that differently in future, only to later see ourselves repeating our old patterns. Sometimes these promises are small, sometimes big.

 

Of course an adult should not do this - but only in a perfect world..

 

That doesn't take away from the pain that was caused to you by someone's empty promises, lack of courage and integrity.

 

Hope you're well.

 

This is true Ellin! Sucks when someone's words means very little, even to themselves. Some make a living out of it...

[eleanorrigby]

So you have been checked out of this marriage and with your kids for 3 years while you have been in lala land and in love with an ow and you think you can just waltz back into their lives like nothing happened without telling anyone?

 

Can you get anymore selfish? Damn your poor wife. Honestly I hope she and the kids were so use to your uninvolvement that they will treat you as an intrusion.

 

You need to give your wife the common decency of deciding how she wants to live her life. How dare you play with her like that. You put on this charade with her for 3 years and you think you can just fix it????

 

I'm with you.. could you imagine if it was his BW that found this thread instead of the other woman he is hoping reads it? I think she would find it particularly insulting that her husband has no specific ideas on how to fix the mess he created and was not even intending to clue her in on things so that possibly she could help?

[2sunny]

just pointing out how most MM use words that don't equal there actions which in turn is simply a form of lying.

 

IF you intend to work on your M - then start thinking more of your W than your OW.

 

start spending ALL your time, effort and energy doing things that reconnect you both physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

going on and on here about your feelings for your OW isn't exactly accomplishing what you need to do to make your marriage work.

 

you will only get out of your M what YOU put into it... i'd say start with honesty.

 

start by telling your W that you have been emotionally absent for the past three years and wish to reconnect to make the M the best it can possibly be. IF and since she has no idea that your mind and heart have been with someone else then it's not fair to her to think that the M has been inadequate. how can you possibly be connected to her if you have emotions for someone else? how can she be expected to read your mind? how can you short change your W when you say you love her and intend to be with her forever?

 

it's simply unfair to her for YOU to expect great things when she hasn't a clue as to what you may or may not intend to do with the M. being present isn't enough for a M in disrepair... she needs to know that you feel something is missing so you can BOTH work towards that common goal = making the M the best it can possibly be...

 

and if you think she doesn't know - think again... they always know something is "off." has she asked you over the past several years why you are distant, etc?

[Italian flower]

Mim -

What good is love and magic? Boy, if you have to ask that….. I’m really sorry.

 

I don’t know claim to know what BHMM had with his OW - hence, I said it “sounds” like it was magic. Maybe I was wrong and it wasn't. But if it was, I think it’s important for him to know (and everyone else as well) that if you’ve been touched by it once, you know it exists and you can have it again in your life.

 

 

Careful TOW. Such love/magic is very rare indeed. It's nice to think that if you had it once you'll find it somewhere else as well. I should know. I had it and didn’t realize just how amazing and rare it was at the time. Literally hundreds of dates and eight relationships all in a vain attempt to find what I already had with someone else and gave up. It’s been 20 years now and I’m convinced that I won’t find it. I’ve accepted it. I had my chance and gave it up like such a naïve woman, which I was at the time. I exhibited similar bravado then as you did in you statement above. I thought the magic could be found again anywhere. For me, it couldn’t. My life is fine but if I could go back to that time I’d never let go of him and the magic. I’d do everything in my power to keep it. I’m not talking about fulfilling and even intense relationships. I’m talking about something so deep and innate that it can’t be put into words. But to those lucky few that have felt it, you know what I’m describing. And it doesn’t fade with time. That’s an important distinction. Many times the start of a relationship can feel like magic, but it’s only temporary. Perhaps you’ll be more fortunate than me but to those lucky few that have found this true deep innate magic then my advice would be to hold on tight and keep it alive. No matter what.