A MM's perspective

[BHMM]

I wonder what what's really going on in his mind. I was a MM with my MW at the time. I thought of the kids but when my own kids would question why I was still there it was clear I was staying for all the wrong reasons. Fast forward 2 1/2 years my kids are much more happier with the way things are. They've adjusted to the split....yes it was tough in the beginning.....but they don't see all the in house abuse (verbal/emotional). Yes I hurt financially but I've made adjustments and it is hard. Even though I didn't end up with my xMW I'm very happy with where I'm at. Don't stay for the kids....go find your happiness even if it means being happy alone. I am...

Thanks for posting, that's an inspiring story. I'm glad things worked out for you and you're happy.

[terrific]

Had tried to end it before? Do you feel overwhelmed trying to get over her and reconnect with your wife? Does your wife know?

[Confused4Now]

Thanks for posting, that's an inspiring story. I'm glad things worked out for you and you're happy.

Your affair was 3+ years I can assure you....you were cake eating.

[BHMM]

I'm with 2sure on this one. I used to hear the same kinds of things from xDM (before he finally left and divorced). He used to say that if he could end it with me he'd miss me and pine for me forever. There's been other MM posting on here from time to time that a long time later find themselves still in love with the xOW and still not in love with their W's, and struggling with that.

 

This martyr trip - the idea of staying for the kids - just feels like nonsense. I can't think of any woman who would want her H to stick around despite not being in love with her and being in love with someone else (scratch that-- xDM's psychotic xW would be ok with that); and I have a harder time envisioning what the children will feel as they get older seeing that Daddy doesn't love Mommy and that's the example of the relationship they are supposed to aspire to. What responsiblity to thrust on them for being the reason you gave up this relationship for a woman you love!

 

I sincerely hope you have a better reason for staying than just "for the kids", which so rarely ever works out to be in the kids best interests.

Staying for the kids was about 80% of the reason. I respect your opinion, but calling it a "martyr trip" doesn't change the fact that I can choose to pursue the OW and completely disrupt two young lives, and possibly affect them permanently, or do what I did and stay in the M and provide a stable and loving home for them. I've read this argument several times about how failing to provide a perfect loving template for the kids to grow up to emulate is somehow worse than leaving them and splitting up the marriage and household. I don't buy it.

[2sure]

Why is it that you are comfortable making a life decision for your wife...deciding for her that she must live with a partner that is in love with someone else?

[BHMM]

Yes, agreed....touching a nerve possibly.

 

Anyway, OP, I found your post to be extremely well versed and heart felt, thank you for posting:)

Thanks for the response. I've read a lot of good posts on LS over the past few years, so I'm happy to give a little back.

[jwi71]

I must profess I'm suspicious of this thread but what the hell.

 

You have said you are staying for the kids and that there is a bond between you and your W. This, on the surface, seems contradictory as staying "for the kids" precludes staying for your W (which would require emotions and a bond).

 

How do you reconcile those statements?

[herenow]

How sad for everyone.

 

MM - Loves a woman he can't be with because he has kids

 

MM's kids - Has a dad who stays married because of them, but would rather be somewhere else. I can't even imagine the guilt trip his kids will have if they ever find out they were the reason dad can't be with the woman he loves.

 

BW - Married to a man who has made a decision to stay with her because of the kids, but loves another woman. A choice is being made for her without her knowledge. Maybe she would like to be with a man who truly loves her. Maybe she doesn't want to be with a man who loves anther woman. We don't know because she hasn't been given a choice how to live her own life. Her H has made that choice for her.

 

OW - I guess she is in love with a man who she can't be with. Don't know since she isn't posting here about her feelings.

 

So very sad for all including the kids. Their dad is living a lie everyday in their name. IMO, to use kids as a reason to stay married puts a hugh burden on the kids. But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

[terrific]

Staying for the kids was about 80% of the reason. I respect your opinion, but calling it a "martyr trip" doesn't change the fact that I can choose to pursue the OW and completely disrupt two young lives, and possibly affect them permanently, or do what I did and stay in the M and provide a stable and loving home for them. I've read this argument several times about how failing to provide a perfect loving template for the kids to grow up to emulate is somehow worse than leaving them and splitting up the marriage and household. I don't buy it.[/quote

 

I think it is relative to how much conflict the kids witness. I also agree, there is not a perfect template. Many people are very good at keeping it together around the kids, they fake it til they make it. The truth is that we don't really know what is going on behind closed doors.

[Silly_Girl]

Why is it that you are comfortable making a life decision for your wife...deciding for her that she must live with a partner that is in love with someone else?

 

I tend to find this selfish. The OP is depriving his wife of finding someone who will love her, truly, as she deserves. Someone who will feel about her how the OP feels about OW.

 

These situations, in my view, rarely end happily. If this ever came out, the OP's wife is likely to be angry and resentful and to look back on these years with a very different set of eyes. Happy times now may well feel much different, were she ever to have this hindsight. I feel very sad for her.

[Confused4Now]

Staying for the kids was about 80% of the reason. I respect your opinion, but calling it a "martyr trip" doesn't change the fact that I can choose to pursue the OW and completely disrupt two young lives, and possibly affect them permanently, or do what I did and stay in the M and provide a stable and loving home for them. I've read this argument several times about how failing to provide a perfect loving template for the kids to grow up to emulate is somehow worse than leaving them and splitting up the marriage and household. I don't buy it.

I think the whole point in this discussion is not so much working yourself out of your marriage to be with the OW but to work yourself out of your marriage on it's own merits. That's what I did....my leaving had nothing to do with the MW. She might have been the catalyst or the person who got the ball rolling....and I've said it many times. Mine was a exit affair. I knew when I left my marriage I could very well be by myself and I was okay with that.

 

So you have to ask yourself this question.... are you settling? Do you picture growing old with your W? Have you been unfaithful to your W before you were married?

[stillafool]

I really don't know. As a life partner and the mother of my children, I do. When compared to the feelings I have for OW, it doesn't feel like love

 

So what do you plan to do when your children move out and away from you and your wife? Stay in a marriage with someone you aren't in love with? Sounds like heaven.

[stillafool]

I tend to find this selfish. The OP is depriving his wife of finding someone who will love her, truly, as she deserves. Someone who will feel about her how the OP feels about OW.

 

These situations, in my view, rarely end happily. If this ever came out, the OP's wife is likely to be angry and resentful and to look back on these years with a very different set of eyes. Happy times now may well feel much different, were she ever to have this hindsight. I feel very sad for her.

 

I completely agree Silly-Girl. Why is he making the decision for his wife who she should spend the rest of her life with. If I were the W I would be so angry that someone just stayed with me for some kids and deprived me of a life with someone who could love me. The kids are only in the house 18 years and then what? All decisions regarding my life would have been made in secret and for what was best for my BS.

[stillafool]

.

IMO, to use kids as a reason to stay married puts a hugh burden on the kids. But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

 

You notice, no one ever uses the kids as an excuse not to start an affair.

[breaking_bad]

So seriously it sounds like you WANT to be there (in your M). You have a good relationship, you love her as a person, probably comfortable, 10+ year history, maybe lost the passion, but that's your life, it's important to you, you're comfortable, etc.

 

That's alot to change. Anyway, I think that's great. I just wouldn't make excuses or rationalize that it's only because this would "damage" the kids, when if sounds more like you want to be at home with them and leaving them would "damage" you....

 

So I also am not a big fan of the "for the kids" and belive that it's the adults who don't want to leave the kids and have to miss out on that experience, or any of the experiences/lives of their kids. I'm not sure why that's so hard for grown ups to say. It's a legit point.

 

But as we all know, kids of divorce can/will be fine, and as adults, we can treat the situation with respect for all, make the best of our time with our children and find a way to be in their lives regardless of the marriage situation. I know from personal experience that it is possible.

 

Now having said that, it is highly personal, and everyone has to do what is right for them. I would only say that the "it will ruin the kids" is a trite thing to say, it implies you have no control, and and I just think we as adults should do a better job of owning this one. My personal POV.

 

And if you loved your wife and felt comfortable in your life and you knew what your priorities were, and just got jolted by someone, I agree with another poster as to how that goes on for 3+ years. That's unfortunate for everyone.

 

Anyway it sucks on all sides, for all parties so hope you can find the way to move on and be happy with your wife and family. It is good that you are in NC with your OW. Decision's made. Everyone move on.

 

BTW took guts for you to post. Thanks.

[someday]

BHMM,

I just want to say that I can relate to your situation. I’m MW, I love my H, we’ve two children (teens) and I’ve been in love with another man for nearly all my life. I’m staying for the kids, for now, we’ll see what happens 5 yrs from now. This OM of mine loves me too. We’ve never completely crossed the line and I’m glad for that because I’d in where you are now. I don’t want to taste the ‘fruit’ that I cannot have.

I wish you all the best.

[terrific]

Oh, someday, I feel for you. DO NOT DO what I did, tasting the fruit is a game changer.

[jj33]

I tend to find this selfish. The OP is depriving his wife of finding someone who will love her, truly, as she deserves. Someone who will feel about her how the OP feels about OW.

 

These situations, in my view, rarely end happily. If this ever came out, the OP's wife is likely to be angry and resentful and to look back on these years with a very different set of eyes. Happy times now may well feel much different, were she ever to have this hindsight. I feel very sad for her.

 

I respectfully disagree. First, there are loads and loads of situations like this and the person it ends up most unhappily for is the person who stays like BHMM.

 

Many people stay in marriages like what BHMM has with his spouse and there was no affair. In this case he is in love with another person he isnt distracted by a job, a hobby an addiction or something else.

 

His W knows what the relationship is, she knows how close they are, how intimate they are emotionally, and she will know if their closeness has waned or things have changed between them.

 

BHMM says the affair has ended. So long as he is not gaslighting her and is not planning to stray again, then its a marriage like a multitude of others.

 

He is keeping a secret which may not be the right thing but it doesnt mean that their marriage is worse than many many out there. Many people who married at 30 may at 40 have chosen someone else if they werent already married and yet they stay married because its the "right" thing to do. We may not think that is the right answer but everyone needs to make their own decision.

 

BHMM your post is very interesting and I do feel for you. The man I was involved with made the same decision (for different reasons) and 3 years later, the affair still haunts him. Hes nearing retirement and doesnt feel he can leave and told me many times if he met when he was not approaching retirement things would be different. So think hard about your decision, you dont want to look back in 20 years and say I should have left when I was younger. For all my defense of your position, you dont know how your W would feel if she knew (or maybe you do). She might prefer to have the chance at finding real love again. Everyone deserves that. Not everyone gets it but they deserve a shot at it.

[herenow]

As much as I don't agree with the "staying for the kids" thing, it wouldn't be so bad if both parents made the decision together. If the BS knows the truth and agrees to stay married for the sake of the kids, that would at least be a decision made by two consenting adults.

 

I would like to ask the OP how he would feel if he were the one in the dark and later found out his wife decided to stay married to him (for the sake of the kids) while in love with anther man. Could be the truth, we don't know.

[Angel1111]

I completely get everything you're saying, and I actually agree with you. Unless your marriage is just killing your soul in one way or another, I do think it's best to stay for the children, as cliche as that sounds. Try to make peace with your marriage (and your decision) as best you can and I really wish you the best. You're not a bad person for what you did. I do understand how those deep connections can blindside a person. But if you find yourself wanting to go back to the OW, please end your marriage first. Then you'll realize if you're really serious or not. It is nice to hear from a MM that he had deep emotional ties to the affair. I think a lot of OW begin to doubt that at times.

 

The issue I have with my xMM is that every time I ended our affair because it was obvious he wasn't going to leave his marriage and I didn't like the cheating, is that he was back within a week or two wanting me back. I took this to mean that he was more serious about me than I thought. Agreed that I didn't have to fall into that trap but, as I said to him recently, I just want to know what he was thinking. What I'm angry with him about is that he didn't do what you did - which is leave me alone if he was choosing to stay in his marriage. Stringing me along just because he could was hurtful. Plus, I lost respect for him because I realized that he was willing to lie and cheat on his wife for a long period of time, and it ended up making me feel like I could never trust him. Be glad you didn't do that to your OW because she would have eventually come to dislike and distrust you. I admire you because a lot of MM don't do that, and that's why the OW ends up so confused.

[Fallen Angel]

I just registered on LS yesterday but I’ve been lurking on and off for a few years. I see so many posts on here from OW wondering about what their MM is thinking, doing, feeling, why he said this and then did that, etc. Well, I’m a MM who ended my A of 3+ years about 3 months ago, because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my kids. It’s been 11 weeks of NC since then, and I’m heartbroken. I’m doing worse now than I was a month ago. Every day seems harder and harder to go on. Someone compared the getting over the end of an A to mourning a death, and right now that seems about right.

 

I won’t go into the details of how the A started, but suffice it to say we had an amazing connection on every level, like nothing either of us had ever experienced before, and it was addictive and all-consuming, and it was real love. I tried to leave my M several times, and could never bring myself to fully do it. I wanted to pursue a life with OW and give us a real chance, but I didn’t for several reasons. The biggest of which was that I couldn’t get past the guilt I know I’d feel causing my kids the pain that a separation/D. There were money issues too, and I wondered how all of this would affect the R with OW once we were in the “real world”. I told her this multiple times, that I was concerned that I’d bring so much stress and guilt into our R that it would affect us. There were also cultural/ethnic differences that we both worried about (how would each others’ families accept us, etc.). And though this was my first and only A during my 10+ year M, it wasn’t the first time I had been unfaithful in a relationship (and from early on, I told OW everything about my past), so I think some small part of me feared that I would eventually cheat again (according to LS knowledge, this is what we MMs do).

 

I never lied to OW about my feelings about her, our R, or my M,. Sometimes when we’d talk about our future it would feel like anything’s possible, and we could get through whatever would come, together. Being with her and sharing visions of a future together seemed to fuel a confidence that we’d get through whatever would come. I honestly felt those feelings, deeply and sincerely. But then reality would hit, and I’d be putting my kids to bed at night and thinking about trying to explain to them why Daddy is leaving, picturing them growing up without me around full-time, maybe eventually being raised by another man, and suffering through difficult childhoods because of the emotional turmoil and financial strain caused by me… and the idea of all this tore me up continually. I finally had to end things because I knew I couldn’t go through with a D and was wasting OW’s time. It was brutally hard to end things with her, and after 11 weeks I still spend time every day completely torn up. We gave each other our hearts, and it was amazing, and yet sometimes I wonder if we would’ve been better off having never met. I honestly wish her the best and hope she finds someone to share a life with, but it kills me to think of her moving on, even though I know that’s how it has to be. I'm now trying to repair what's left of my M, and provide a happy stable life for my kids.

 

I hope this helps give some perspective on things from an MM’s point of view. Feel free to ask me whatever questions you want and I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.

 

BHMM,

 

Thank You.

 

I have not yet read a single response to your post. But I wanted to thank you for having the guts to post here.

 

Since you have been lurking for some time, you know too well how many OW are simply destroyed by the masses telling her that if her MM did not "move mountains" that he never loved her. Too many OW are left thinking that they were used, and abused, and were nothing but a piece of sideass. So many posters here ram that kind of utter rubish down their throats until they actually start to believe it.

 

So Thank You. Thank You for helping even just one OW who is suffering today with questions about whether she was ever really loved. Because in the end, most OW will heal more quickly, and more fully, if they can accept that yes, they were indeed loved. Yes, they were a person of great value to the MM. And yes, he does still love and miss them, even if he couldn't bring himself to separate himself from the maritial relationship.

 

It is referred to here often as tough love.. I tend to call it agenda furthering; turning a woman who is willing to seek the real love she desires (and possibly end up OW again) into a rOW, who will join in the bashing of MM and OW forever more.

 

Thanks again... and I for one am very glad that you are here and willing to post.

[Confused4Now]

BHMM your post is very interesting and I do feel for you. The man I was involved with made the same decision (for different reasons) and 3 years later, the affair still haunts him. Hes nearing retirement and doesnt feel he can leave and told me many times if he met when he was not approaching retirement things would be different. So think hard about your decision, you dont want to look back in 20 years and say I should have left when I was younger. For all my defense of your position, you dont know how your W would feel if she knew (or maybe you do). She might prefer to have the chance at finding real love again. Everyone deserves that. Not everyone gets it but they deserve a shot at it.

This is the one thing when I told my xW was I hadn't loved her for many years. We got married for all the wrong reasons and because I didn't have the balls to walk out early she's very angry cause she never got an opportunity to go find her happiness elsewhere. So think about what your doing....kids grow up and leave the nest and see where you're at. My x is approaching 50 years old. If i had left when I really needed to she would have been in her early 30's. Much easier chance of finding someone else. This would be my only regret that I robbed my xW of finding someone who could love her when I couldn't.

[breaking_bad]

On the road of life, you choose the things that have the most value to you. That's all this is about.

 

The argument that the BS should know the truth in order that she/he can do the same is an interesting one, but that assumes that we know the truth about everything and everyone around us and the only way we make decisions is through logic and fact, and that's not really reality.... Life is messy and unclear, and we don't always have all the information. We all just do the best we can with what we have to work with.

[Silly_Girl]

On the road of life, you choose the things that have the most value to you. That's all this is about.

 

The argument that the BS should know the truth in order that she/he can do the same is an interesting one, but that assumes that we know the truth about everything and everyone around us and the only way we make decisions is through logic and fact, and that's not really reality.... Life is messy and unclear, and we don't always have all the information. We all just do the best we can with what we have to work with.

 

No. We make decisions on the info available to us. No one claims to be a fortune-teller here, we can't predict... But for a person who 'cares for us' to withhold that info, and put you in a position you may not choose for yourself - that's a real issue, in my book.

[Fallen Angel]

I just finished reading the first page of responses and I have to say, the tone of things lately is quite disgusting to me.

 

Oddly enough, had this man come here posting that he now hated his OW and never missed her a single moment since he left the affair, and he was happily reconciling with his wife and having the best sex ever at home, I seriously doubt his authenticity would have been questioned!!

 

SHAME ON YOU!!!

 

BHMM,

 

Stay with us darlin'. Don't let the morality brigade keep you from posting. You may not have any more to offer to YOUR OW right now, but your posting here could be invaluable to someone else's OW who is hurting.