A MM's perspective

[stillafool]

Great post FA. Not to bash but if this mediocre behavior continues in the M and wifey becomes unhappy (she has already suspected an A in the past) she may just have her own A. Just sayin'

 

He has already stated he kind of wishes she would.

[crazycatlady]

Thanks, CCL. Just saw this after my last post. I understand and perhaps that is the strategy that other posters implying similar approaches took.

 

I think if BHMM were to start sharing, he would realize how many lies were involved in hiding the A. There are fewer lies the less you share. Even still, living with someone and raising kids together, means a lot of lies for a 3+ year affair and an extra 3+months of mourning the loss of OW. But add new intimate sharing on that and the needed lies will multiply. Particularly for a W who already asked him if he was having an A.

 

WO - with all the posts in this thread, I am guessing you missed my first one when I pushed for telling. But I couldn't tell you what you first said. This thread has been EPIC. I can flip flop on telling or not....but at 3 years that's a long time to tell. And waiting the 5 months for my H to confess while I knew did make me change my mind a little to more on the tell side. But banging him repeatedly over the head with that message is useless.

 

I'm hoping that when he starts sharing, the flood gates will open and all will come out. Its been truly healing to know that my H will answer every question I ask. He might go "once you know you can't take back not knowing, are you sure?" before answering but he will answer.

 

Honestly though (sorry BHMM) I don't think he will ever reconnect. I think these two people will spend the rest of their marriage (however long it lasts) missing out on some of the best life can bring. Its a sad thought. Maybe the wife is happy how things are....probably not if she is asking if he has had an affair but...maybe. :confused:I think they might can reach being content....maybe that's enough for him...and is making it enough for her. Its not enough to me. But that's me.

 

CCL

[Silly_Girl]

BHMM came here and his first post was aimed at OW, and partly with his own AP in mind.

 

He didn't rock up at infidelity looking for support on how to rebuild his marriage/rediscover his love for his wife, and then stumble across the OW section and think about how she/I/us/they could be feeling and try and offer some comfort...

 

This was his first port of call. His priority - subconsciously perhaps - is his OW and NOT his wife. His wife is definitely the default and I feel so gutted for her.

 

I think BHMM, due to where he is and how he got there, is in total denial about the full impact of his actions, and how they are perceived by others. He's in his affair-bubble still.

 

If he had to stand and chat to his mother or his neighbour about what he's been living like the last few years, I think his thoughts and feelings towards his wife would be far more intense, and considerate, and more of a priority. I keep expecting this thread to be his wake-up call. But it's not and may never be.

[jj33]

SG hopefully you are wrong and if he doesnt get the wake up call today maybe he will in the coming days and weeks.

 

Thats the interesting thing about the forum. People post about one thing and as the discussion continues other things come out of it.

 

He has taken the time to answer hundreds of posts regardless of whether they relate to missing the OW so he is listening. If hes been lurking then he knew it wouldnt be a free ride on the commiseration train.

 

Everyone processes things differently. Fingers crossed.

[eleanorrigby]

BHMM came here and his first post was aimed at OW, and partly with his own AP in mind.

 

He didn't rock up at infidelity looking for support on how to rebuild his marriage/rediscover his love for his wife, and then stumble across the OW section and think about how she/I/us/they could be feeling and try and offer some comfort...

 

This was his first port of call. His priority - subconsciously perhaps - is his OW and NOT his wife. His wife is definitely the default and I feel so gutted for her.

 

I think BHMM, due to where he is and how he got there, is in total denial about the full impact of his actions, and how they are perceived by others. He's in his affair-bubble still.

 

If he had to stand and chat to his mother or his neighbour about what he's been living like the last few years, I think his thoughts and feelings towards his wife would be far more intense, and considerate, and more of a priority. I keep expecting this thread to be his wake-up call. But it's not and may never be.

 

I agree with you. I feel so sorry for his wife and children. He is giving a lot of lip service to repairing the marriage but it's clear his wife is an afterthought.

I hope the best for them but I have a feeling it's going to end up with BHMM's lies and hiding just nibbling away at the marriage over the years.

[bentnotbroken]

BHMM came here and his first post was aimed at OW, and partly with his own AP in mind.

 

He didn't rock up at infidelity looking for support on how to rebuild his marriage/rediscover his love for his wife, and then stumble across the OW section and think about how she/I/us/they could be feeling and try and offer some comfort...

 

This was his first port of call. His priority - subconsciously perhaps - is his OW and NOT his wife. His wife is definitely the default and I feel so gutted for her.

 

I think BHMM, due to where he is and how he got there, is in total denial about the full impact of his actions, and how they are perceived by others. He's in his affair-bubble still.

 

If he had to stand and chat to his mother or his neighbour about what he's been living like the last few years, I think his thoughts and feelings towards his wife would be far more intense, and considerate, and more of a priority. I keep expecting this thread to be his wake-up call. But it's not and may never be.

 

 

Exactly! He wants the OW to see this but not the wife. Seems like commitment and reconnection to me.

[eleanorrigby]

this thread makes me so sad and angry but I can't step away from it. BHMM could be my husband with the lies, affairs and thinking he knows best what is for me The person that lies and cheats on me thinks he knows what is best for me SO much that he won't even clue me in on what the game plan is for the marriage???! (GRRRR That pisses me off! I'm triggering all over the place in his wifes behalf!)

[bentnotbroken]

this thread makes me so sad and angry but I can't step away from it. BHMM could be my husband with the lies, affairs and thinking he knows best what is for me The person that lies and cheats on me thinks he knows what is best for me SO much that he won't even clue me in on what the game plan is for the marriage???! (GRRRR That pisses me off! I'm triggering all over the place in his wifes behalf!)

 

 

Yes, it would be best if you step away. I feel the same way.

[2sunny]

this thread makes me so sad and angry but I can't step away from it. BHMM could be my husband with the lies, affairs and thinking he knows best what is for me The person that lies and cheats on me thinks he knows what is best for me SO much that he won't even clue me in on what the game plan is for the marriage???! (GRRRR That pisses me off! I'm triggering all over the place in his wifes behalf!)

 

and this is exactly why i decided to end my 20 year marriage. the lies, betrayal from the man that was supposed to be the one who loved, respected and honored me MOST in the whole world...

 

the fact that he didn't consider telling ME his truth before he decided to ruin my life and future (much less our children's too) was enough for me to change the locks and file for divorce. he knew if i found him cheating that would be it - and it was.

 

we had a wonderful life, fantastic really, except he was never satisfied with any of it. narcissistic all the way. nothing would have been enough for him.

 

i made the decision for both of us when i learned of how much betrayal he had done to me.

 

any wife in that position deserves to decide what is ultimately best for her!

[Silly_Girl]

this thread makes me so sad but I can't step away from it. BHMM could be my husband with the lies affairs and thinking he knows best what is for me The person that lies and cheats on me thinks he knows what is best for me SO much that he won't even clue me in on what the game plan is for the marriage???! (GRRRR That pisses me off! I'm triggering all over the place in his wifes behalf!)

 

Yep. I wonder how much of my reaction is me reacting to myself. I was lied to a lot and although a poster here told me, very articulately, that people do NOT re-remember with hindsight, I know damn well I did in my relationship. When I checked the bills and saw my other half was texting his ex on my birthday night out and not his sister, damn right I looked back on it differently. And when I found out the same guy was trying to get my cousin to a hotel to seduce her and NOT helping her with her CV it made me re-format all my memories of he and her and I, with the hindsight. Including my father's funeral They're small things, and there were many others but with a restless, greedy mind like mine I needed to know everything before I could get any peace.

 

And then with my MM, the biggest conflict he and I have ever had is whether his wife should be told about us, so she can stop being confused at his reaction to some things, if they're staying together she can decide whether she's willing to work on what HE needs to be worked on, and vice versa. There's so much at stake in this situation.

 

I'm grateful to BHMM for helping me to understand myself better though. This thread has helped to remind me of some fundamentals I think I'd 'accidentally' misplaced...

[bentnotbroken]

and this is exactly why i decided to end my 20 year marriage. the lies, betrayal from the man that was supposed to be the one who loved, respected and honored me MOST in the whole world...

 

the fact that he didn't consider telling ME his truth before he decided to ruin my life and future (much less our children's too) was enough for me to change the locks and file for divorce. he knew if i found him cheating that would be it - and it was.

 

we had a wonderful life, fantastic really, except he was never satisfied with any of it. narcissistic all the way. nothing would have been enough for him.

 

i made the decision for both of us when i learned of how much betrayal he had done to me.

 

any wife in that position deserves to decide what is ultimately best for her!

 

 

I lived a lie for more than 20 years. I had no intention of living the rest of my life as a lie. Mr. Messy told me if I hadn't found out he never would have told me either(he didn't with the first how ever many affairs). And he didn't stop either.

[eleanorrigby]

Yep. I wonder how much of my reaction is me reacting to myself. I was lied to a lot and although a poster here told me, very articulately, that people do NOT re-remember with hindsight, I know damn well I did in my relationship. When I checked the bills and saw my other half was texting his ex on my birthday night out and not his sister, damn right I looked back on it differently. And when I found out the same guy was trying to get my cousin to a hotel to seduce her and NOT helping her with her CV it made me re-format all my memories of he and her and I, with the hindsight. Including my father's funeral They're small things, and there were many others but with a restless, greedy mind like mine I needed to know everything before I could get any peace.

 

And then with my MM, the biggest conflict he and I have ever had is whether his wife should be told about us, so she can stop being confused at his reaction to some things, if they're staying together she can decide whether she's willing to work on what HE needs to be worked on, and vice versa. There's so much at stake in this situation.

 

I'm grateful to BHMM for helping me to understand myself better though. This thread has helped to remind me of some fundamentals I think I'd 'accidentally' misplaced...

 

 

yes it's really crazymaking. It's horrible and my stomach is in knots reading his calm, collected plans to condemn his wife to this.

[2sunny]

seems as if he may be leaning towards that old saying...

 

complacency breeds contempt...

 

if he can get happy enough to live with what never made him happy before all this happened - then he resorts to living a life of complacency.

 

that would never be enough for me - i'd rather be alone and happy.

[Confused4Now]

that's all well and good but as long as it's not only designed to give you relief - but to cause the least amount of harm to the person receiving your truth... and with a goal in mind that things may actually have a chance to heal from knowing your truth.

Well I also think it helped my xW as cause she could make a decision as well if she wanted to stay with a cheating husband. The sad thing is she still wanted me...but I didn't love her. I believe all around the truth did help everyone. Something that most people would agree to on this board about BHMM.

[Mimolicious]

And that's why you're so uncomfortable with anyone mentioning OW's side of the story... Right... (no idea what you're talking about).

 

 

Who said that I am uncomfortable with anything? You? than that's your take, not a fact. Like imagine, this is the core center of my life.

 

I pointed out the obvious... that many people here get so lost into looking at a situation from a single perspective, jump on the bandwagon and run with it. That's not very realistic. It's actually ignorant to see life through a lense because it either justifies your style or you can't allow yourself to relate to anything else by classifying people into titles. My opinion is not less or more valuable because I held a certain stance in my R. Which is what you are trying to make it into. I am not bashing his OW nor his W. Very early in this thread I said "none of the 2 lovely ladies" need this dude. I actually stand by it. Ellin, this exchange is not even a discussion. If a "STFU" and "Don't comment" would be allowed to be posted directly, I am sure it would have already been told. You are not questioning my comment, you are subliminally suggesting that I shouldn't comment period.

 

NOW

 

I'm I would have stuck to looking out for BHMM's kids... I am sure you wouldn't say that I am "uncomfortable" with anything. Since it's more of a protected category. If perhaps, LS'ers would learn how to stop using other users past experiences as a way to try to decrease their credibility or disvalue their opinions, probably more people would stick around.

 

Yet... you have a broken man, married to someone that is almost a stranger to him and broken up and away from his soulmate. That's what I call-ISSUES.

[Fallen Angel]

you have a broken man, married to someone that is almost a stranger to him and broken up and away from his soulmate. That's what I call-ISSUES.

 

THIS! (presses make believe like button)

 

He is broken, his wife is a stranger to him (by his own choice), and he is away from his soul mate. When that sinks in for BHMM then he will make changes.

 

He will either make a move to heal himself, or to reintroduce the REAL him to his wife, or seek out a full-time open relationship with his OW, or all three. But he has to first accept that all three of those are the core issues in this mess.

 

I for one wish them all well, whether together or apart, I wish all three of them peace.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why are y'all so mad? Now y'all can see firsthand the selfishness that these MM have. This is WHAT you be giving up your marriages, family and lives for sanity too... WTF!

 

This guy cares about nothing but himself. His wife is better off. Period.

Edited September 3, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TOWinNYC]

A marriage isn't JUST about love, magic and great passionate sex! As time goes on and people get older, it's better (though I bet most would disagree with me) to have someone you're compatible with, someone who accepts you for who you are, no matter what AND will always support and be there for you during the bad times, illness times and so forth. Long lasting love may not be hot/passionate and intense like an affair is, but it still is love. Love and care, respect and growth. It's more than just lust and what goes on in the bedroom.

 

WWIU - but don't you think a M is BEST when you have the compatability with the love, magic and great passionate sex? Because that's what I want. Why does it have to be an either/or thing?

 

And why assume that an A is "just lust and what goes on in the bedroom"? It's so much more than that - trust me.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU - but don't you think a M is BEST when you have the compatability with the love, magic and great passionate sex? Because that's what I want. Why does it have to be an either/or thing?

 

And why assume that an A is "just lust and what goes on in the bedroom"? It's so much more than that - trust me.

 

Ofcourse, but obviously not all marriages have that. It totally blows me away that many (not only on here, but all over North America) are so bloody selfish and it's all about ME ME ME, my happiness, what I want, etc, etc.

 

Why is it "me, myself and I" NEED to be stimulated, happy all the time, connected 100% on every level with their spouse?

 

It isn't an either or thing. Some have it all, some have bits of it .. You chose to marry someone, say the vows and mean them. Yes? Well, LIVE up to your vows and if you (general you) can't, DIVORCE. It pisses me off when I read of so many marriages that are OK and if communication just happened, effort was put in BEFORE the choice to go elsewhere, maybe there'd be less affairs and more couples working together. TOO many MM and MW chose to slink off and not tell their spouses how they feel. So they cheat because of whatever reason. Imagine if that love, energy, chasing and making so much effort to court was put into their spouses instead of another man/woman. Too many give up quickly and find it easier to look elsewhere.

 

Some people are so lucky to find a love on a higher level. Some people are lucky to have a someone who they adore, love and can put up with, have good sex, yet have a healthy balance of it all.

[whichwayisup]

but don't you think a M is BEST when you have the compatability with the love, magic and great passionate sex?

 

As people get older, they change. Habits, flaws, uniqueness comes out. it just happens. So, do you DUMP your spouse after 20+ years because he has bad breathe, has a chronic farting problem, is lazy, puts on weight or has health issues that affect him in bed? Or do you love him/her enough to work through it or do you detach, put in less effort and allow yourself to be open to someone else who catches your eye and makes your heart flutter?

 

This isn't directed at anybody, I'm just yappin away here.

[2sunny]

Why are y'all so mad? Now y'all can see firsthand the selfishness that these MM have. This is WHAT you be giving up your marriages, family and lives for sanity too... WTF!

 

This guy cares about nothing but himself. His wife is better off. Period.

 

i do agree. this IS MM's mindset. it is hard for me to understand why more OW don't see how selfish a MM can be.

 

it usually comes down to choosing the path of least resistance for him.

 

he doesn't want to give certain things up = the OW, his image to the outside world, his kids, what people think of him, his house, his friends and extended family, his retirement, his wife AND OW, his vacation homes... the list goes on and on...

 

most MM are purely selfish - they want it all and they want to make sure they don't get caught. usually the OW is chosen specifically because he depends on her ability to keep quiet and not tell or get caught. this is his critical component.

 

his ability to woo the OW with lies, kind words of encouragement, gifts, promises and deceit are necessary to keep her hanging around to feed his ego and so he can get from her what he wants.

 

i fail to see what is so attractive about all that. especially when the OW usually has to wonder in the back of her mind where his truth actually is.

 

there are available men in the world... looking for available women.

[whichwayisup]

i do agree. this IS MM's mindset. it is hard for me to understand why more OW don't see how selfish a MM can be.

 

Because of the magical love. The lust, the connection and intensity of it all.

 

How many OW have had their MM treat them like total poo on a stick, caught them in HUGE lies (I can think of atleast 10 OW, past and present off the top of my head but I won't list them) over and over again, yet they continue on in the affair, in hopes that the MM will eventually divorce.

 

What you see is what you get. A MM or MW who lies, cheats, betrays the woman he married, said vows to, created children with, his wife whom carried the child(children) and he treats her so poorly? Yet thousands of OW feel they are different and their MM would NEVER be like that with them if they ended up together.

 

Again, this isn't directed at anybody so please, noone take what I'm saying out of context, or personally. It isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings or cause fighting/arguing, I'm just making a point. Thanks..

[whichwayisup]

there are available men in the world... looking for available women.

It seems that magical love and connection between two single people isn't the same as a MM/OW, MW/OM, MM/MW. What some don't see is, it's the taboo of the affair, the sneaking around and lying, taking that chance and whatever else IS what makes it more exciting and more intense.

[2sunny]

It seems that magical love and connection between two single people isn't the same as a MM/OW, MW/OM, MM/MW. What some don't see is, it's the taboo of the affair, the sneaking around and lying, taking that chance and whatever else IS what makes it more exciting and more intense.

 

and just making a note that an unselfish man wouldn't think of hurting two women (much less one) at the same time in order to serve his selfish needs.

 

the unselfish ones they just never consider hurting the ones they love. in fact the ones i know are more self sacrificing than anything. they sacrifice self in order to make sure their loved ones are happy and have everything they need... thinking of themselves only after they think of others.

[desertIslandCactus]

BHMM came here and his first post was aimed at OW, and partly with his own AP in mind.

 

He didn't rock up at infidelity looking for support on how to rebuild his marriage/rediscover his love for his wife, and then stumble across the OW section and think about how she/I/us/they could be feeling and try and offer some comfort...

 

This was his first port of call. His priority - subconsciously perhaps - is his OW and NOT his wife. His wife is definitely the default and I feel so gutted for her.

 

I think BHMM, due to where he is and how he got there, is in total denial about the full impact of his actions, and how they are perceived by others. He's in his affair-bubble still.

 

If he had to stand and chat to his mother or his neighbour about what he's been living like the last few years, I think his thoughts and feelings towards his wife would be far more intense, and considerate, and more of a priority. I keep expecting this thread to be his wake-up call. But it's not and may never be.

 

 

I think the OW forum is where BHMM landed - because he is mourning the loss of his OW relationship and is using the forum to explain to other OWs his reasoning.

 

The guilt for his choice has mostly lead to his mourning. If things were reversed and he decided to stay with the OW and leave his W, then I believe his guilt and mourning would be for his W and marriage.