A MM's perspective

[GreenEyedLady]

I'll say this...if I ever find a woman like GEL I will feel like I won the lottery...Your posts are always spot on with my opinions....good one again!!!

 

It comes from the heart...

 

Sometimes it is as if MP don't realize that their OP's are people with feelings and dreams and not just a means to an end.

 

And I think the number of OP's that really make their MP's look at their contribution to their own deterioration is small.

 

I mean, who is the common denominator?

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, are you surprised?

 

He came here to share his perspective and shed some light on the issue from his POV (what many posters have been saying was missing on this forum) and didn't ask for any advice; on the contrary, he agreed to answer any questions anyone had honestly and what happened?

 

He was cornered, shouted at, judged, condemned, told what he absolutely MUST do for pages and pages and the trend didn't show any signs of slowing down as long as he tried to answer every post - and as truthfully and politely as he could.

 

I don't know why so many people think that it is ok to upset someone just because that person is sharing stories from their private, intimate life. I don't think it would happen if it wasn't anonymous.

 

If he wanted to hear that he is wonderful and great, he should have asked the OW, right?

 

MM are not children. They are grown men and should be treated as such.

 

They need to see the truth of their actions.

 

Maybe that is why they do not leave for the OW. Maybe they see what she says is not the truth.

 

Maybe the ones who do leave are the ones whose OW show them reality and not just want they want to see.

 

Would any OW want a MM to leave for them and continue cheating? I do not think so. We all want sexual fidelity and love.

 

If a MM is the same from the beginning with no change, it will continue. There is a reason people cheat. A change must happen to break the cycle.

 

And to coddle a grown person is just absurd. Talk about perpetuating the cycle.

 

Make them accountable.

 

And MAN UP already.

 

GEL

[Fallen Angel]

BHMM,

 

Just hoping you will check in with us and let us know you are okay.

 

Thinking of you and wishing you much peace,

FA

[WalkInThePark]

If a MM is the same from the beginning with no change, it will continue. There is a reason people cheat. A change must happen to break the cycle.

 

I do agree. That why I don't believe people who say: "From now on I won't cheat anymore, from now on I'll be a good H." Because in my opinion a declaration of intention is not sufficient. It's not about judging or blaming. It's about understanding the reasons of the cheating. Why, when, how does one cheat? Unless that is understood, no solution can be found.

[jennie-jennie]

I have to doubt the sincerity of one who lurks for years but abandons his very first thread. However, it is a holiday weekend in the States and 45 pages and 663 replies is a lot to get through.

 

Why? BHMM clearly stated that he would not continue to post if he felt it was not in his and his marriage's best interest:

 

Good for you, sadintexas. It has been therapeutic for me too. Some people seem to think posting on here means I'm not working on my M. If I get to the point where this thread becomes overwhelming and I feel like it is affecting my ability to focus on my M and real life, I'll let it go.

 

Thanks for the kind words and support.

[jj33]

BH if you are still answering posts I have a question for you.

 

Why is it that whenever I am out with xMM (for business) he feels the need to mention his W repeatedly. Noone else mentoins their spouse after all its business and she is not in our field (she doesnt work).

 

I know hes married. Noone has asked. He just raises it appropos of nothing again and again and again.

 

His view is that I shouldnt care now that the A is over. I think its terribly disrespectful and inconsiderate to me when he is there at my invitation (as his company's representative) and that he is doing it to annoy me.

 

As a result, I have asked his company to send someone else as their representative.

[Fallen Angel]

BH if you are still answering posts I have a question for you.

 

Why is it that whenever I am out with xMM (for business) he feels the need to mention his W repeatedly. Noone else mentoins their spouse after all its business and she is not in our field (she doesnt work).

 

I know hes married. Noone has asked. He just raises it appropos of nothing again and again and again.

 

His view is that I shouldnt care now that the A is over. I think its terribly disrespectful and inconsiderate to me when he is there at my invitation (as his company's representative) and that he is doing it to annoy me.

 

As a result, I have asked his company to send someone else as their representative.

 

jj33,

 

I am obviously not a MM so I can not give perspective from a MM's POV, however I would think it obvious that he is doing it in an attempt to get under your skin, and it seems it is working.

 

I don't think BHMM could give you proper perspective either, as based on his posts about his feelings toward his fOW, it is not something he would do to her. I think your xMM is just an assclown and you should see his intentionally hurtful comments as just more proof that you are far better off without him and well shut of the whole thing.

 

He doesn't deserve your emotional investment anymore. Or that he ever did.

[jj33]

Thanks FA but if BH would be kind enough to answer that Id like to hear what he has to say about it.

 

You dont know what anyone will do given the circumstances. You dont know what your guy would do if your situatoin changed. Im not sure why you felt the need to be unkind about my past relatoinship with him but please dont do it again.

Edited September 5, 2010 by jj33

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks FA but if BH would be kind enough to answer that Id like to hear what he has to say about it.

 

You dont know what anyone will do given the circumstances. You dont know what your guy would do if your situatoin changed. Im not sure why you felt the need to be unkind about my past relatoinship with him but please dont do it again.

 

I, too, am interested in hearing what BHMM has to say about it.

 

And you are correct in that we can not really know for certain what another person will do. However, you can make assumptions based on your knowledge of their general character and past experiences. That said, I think it highly unlikely that My Sweetheart would treat me in that manner if our relationship were to end, based on the fact that that kind of behaviour would be so far out of character for him.

 

I don't feel I was at all unkind about your past relationship with him, I simply stated that I don't know that a man of such character was ever deserving of your emotional time and investment. That is my opinion. I am sorry you felt I was slighting you, but that was not my intention.

[2sunny]

BH if you are still answering posts I have a question for you.

 

Why is it that whenever I am out with xMM (for business) he feels the need to mention his W repeatedly. Noone else mentoins their spouse after all its business and she is not in our field (she doesnt work).

 

I know hes married. Noone has asked. He just raises it appropos of nothing again and again and again.

 

His view is that I shouldnt care now that the A is over. I think its terribly disrespectful and inconsiderate to me when he is there at my invitation (as his company's representative) and that he is doing it to annoy me.

 

As a result, I have asked his company to send someone else as their representative.

 

most likely to relieve his guilt. could be, that when he's in your presence, he's trying to be sure that you understand that his wife is his priority... thus, rubbing salt on your wound just to be sure you get it (his wife is still his priority).

 

it reassures him that he's still mentally connected to her when he is with you. kind of like trying to convince himself by keeping her in his mind at a moment of weakness... maybe when he is remembering your prior trysts.

 

just my best guess...

[jj33]

Thanks. I understand his marriage is his priority but his W clearly is not as he is a serial adulterer as is she. Id be shocked if he wasnt looking for someone new by now as its been several years and I do my best not to speak to him. Theres just no call for it.

 

Bh sorry for t/j

[WalkInThePark]

Why is it that whenever I am out with xMM (for business) he feels the need to mention his W repeatedly. Noone else mentoins their spouse after all its business and she is not in our field (she doesnt work).

 

Maybe it is because he feels the need to convince himself of the fact that he is married... And the getting under your skin theory also makes sense.

 

The grandmother of a friend of mine used to say that if someone talked a lot about their wife/husband, it actually meant that things were not right. And you know what? I have known this to be true! Seriously, I have heard people talk regularly about their partner while I knew things were not going well at all. And I mean talking not like saying negative things about them but just mentioning them very often.

[White Flower]

It comes from the heart...

 

Sometimes it is as if MP don't realize that their OP's are people with feelings and dreams and not just a means to an end.

 

And I think the number of OP's that really make their MP's look at their contribution to their own deterioration is small.

 

I mean, who is the common denominator?

 

GEL

This is why I pushed MM to makes us or break us last year. He tried on his own for a while, which was working obviously because BW got tipped off and began snooping, and then D-day happened. He's now in IC doing the work of 'looking at his contribution to his own deterioration' more extensively but boy is it sure dragging on.

 

I needed the change, and felt he did too. I was willing to leave if I didn't see a change and I encourage other OW who read this to do the same.

 

If it breaks your R, all you lost was a cheater. If it makes your R, then you've all won.

[White Flower]

BHMM this is my first post. I am a brokenhearted OW and would like to know if you are still answering questions on this thread? My A ended in June also, not my choice. Your A has so many similarities to mine, especially in the way you felt for each other. I won't go into my questions until I see if you are even replying to this thread anymore.

(((((dolphinscry)))))

 

(((means hugs to you)))

 

Welcome dolphinscry. My heart breaks for you right now. You will get better, just keep posting here and work out all your feelings.

 

Take care,

WF.

[WalkInThePark]

The only person you love is yourself.

 

I think GEL is right.

 

I would especially like to call you upon one thing: when you say that you don't want to tell your W about the A because it would hurt her. I find this so presumptuous. Isn't it up to her to decide whether it will hurt her or not?

I think this is not about not hurting her but about avoiding the crisis that will logically follow such a revelation.

 

But I think that if you want to make your M work, you have to be in it for 100% and in my opinion that means being open about the A.

[Ellin]

The only person you love is yourself.

 

That's what many people say about MM and I guess it's just a thought construct, but really, I think anyone who truly loves themselves and is in touch with their feelings would not live a lie.

[pureinheart]

Hey BHMM....I hope you are ok, and that you are doing as well as can be expected...your doing a good job. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing, more courage or energy than I had, I commend you.

 

If you want PM me when you get that feature to let me know how you and your W are, or just to say hi and that your ok...GBU (((((((((BHMM))))))))

[bentnotbroken]

I am curious, other than posting on here(since we all know how well MM are received by both groups), what is he doing that is so courageous? How much courage does it take to lie?

[BB07]

That's what many people say about MM and I guess it's just a thought construct, but really, I think anyone who truly loves themselves and is in touch with their feelings would not live a lie.

 

UH? BHMM DID live a lie for three years as he freely admits and as a lot of people have pointed out, he is still living a lie.

[NoIDidn't]

Seems BH abandoned this thread like he said he would. He's even proven his pattern here on the internet. Tough questions lead him to abandon and leave things unsaid and undone.

 

But at least he didn't lie to us about planning to do that.

[BB07]

I am curious, other than posting on here(since we all know how well MM are received by both groups), what is he doing that is so courageous? How much courage does it take to lie?

 

Maybe it's because he was courageous enough to post here for a few days?

 

Seriously.........I see his posting his story, not as a way to help OW, (didn't he try to claim that once?) but as a way he could tell the OW involved that he still loved her, (even if she never sees it).

 

I think it's sad that he got so fawned over by so many.

[jj33]

Bent I think some people meant at least I did initially that he was courageous to post as few MM do.

 

But I dont see anything else courageous about his actions and it was a bucket of icy cold water on the whole dynamic for me so I am selfishly thrilled he posted. Made it all crystal clear.

[dolphinscry]

(((((dolphinscry)))))

 

(((means hugs to you)))

 

Welcome dolphinscry. My heart breaks for you right now. You will get better, just keep posting here and work out all your feelings.

 

Take care,

WF.

 

Thanks so much White Flower. I was trying to read the whole thread but it was taking to long. How long has it been since BHMM has replied to his thread? I have several questions, I hope I'm not to late.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe it's because he was courageous enough to post here for a few days?

 

Seriously.........I see his posting his story, not as a way to help OW, (didn't he try to claim that once?) but as a way he could tell the OW involved that he still loved her, (even if she never sees it).

 

I think it's sad that he got so fawned over by so many.

 

 

Yes I did read that he hoped she would see it. I do think it takes courage for MM to post here. I have seen it enough. I remember one poster who caught hell before and after he told. I think this it the one

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2219041&highlight=notsure#post2219041

[bentnotbroken]

Bent I think some people meant at least I did initially that he was courageous to post as few MM do.

 

But I dont see anything else courageous about his actions and it was a bucket of icy cold water on the whole dynamic for me so I am selfishly thrilled he posted. Made it all crystal clear.

 

 

This I agree with. I was just curious what Pure meant? But since she is having a bad day, I will leave it at that. *shrug*