A MM's perspective

[piscis]

This is the one thing when I told my xW was I hadn't loved her for many years. We got married for all the wrong reasons and because I didn't have the balls to walk out early she's very angry cause she never got an opportunity to go find her happiness elsewhere. So think about what your doing....kids grow up and leave the nest and see where you're at. My x is approaching 50 years old. If i had left when I really needed to she would have been in her early 30's. Much easier chance of finding someone else. This would be my only regret that I robbed my xW of finding someone who could love her when I couldn't.

 

Confused I agree with you completly, I could not explain my ideas about this as well as you do.

I am single no kids and maybe I fantasize a lot but the very best responsability you have in this life is with yourself, how are you going to provide a good home if you are unhappy or hoping you coudl be somewhere else?

I know parents would prefere to die before anything harms their children and I can relate to this feeling and understand but I think I could not live a life and at the end see that I could have done it in a different way.

 

Anyway, BHMM thanks for posting and keep doing it

[Minnie09]

Oh, I absolutely truly believe that it is essential that the BW knows the full truth. Even if he moves on and ends the A, there is always something hidden in the closet. The great big disturbing elephant won't go away just like that, even if the BW doesn't see it. She will sense something is off, but what the heck is it? Is it her? Has she changed? Why is H so absent-minded?

 

I agree that unfortunately the BW rarely finds out the truth if the H has ended the A. But the A won't leave the M entirely as long as it is being swept under the rug. Especially if there are still feelings and lovely memories lingering on the WH's mind.

 

Just read the OP's words. He loves the xAP. Still. For the wife it means that she is living with half a husband, and she doesn't even know why. That is so unfair and so so very sad.

[Angel1111]

Confused I agree with you completly, I could not explain my ideas about this as well as you do.

I am single no kids and maybe I fantasize a lot but the very best responsability you have in this life is with yourself, how are you going to provide a good home if you are unhappy or hoping you coudl be somewhere else?

I know parents would prefere to die before anything harms their children and I can relate to this feeling and understand but I think I could not live a life and at the end see that I could have done it in a different way.

 

Anyway, BHMM thanks for posting and keep doing it

 

You make some good points but it's not always just about avoiding things that hurt the children, although that is a factor. The truth is, if I weren't a woman and hadn't been really sure that I would've gotten custody of my son, I'm not sure that I would've left my marriage, even though I was completely miserable. It's more about that day-to-day contact with your children, the intricate sharing of their lives, that's at stake.

 

That's why when I did leave my husband, we came up with a visitation schedule that was more generous for my ex than just seeing his son from Friday night to Sunday night. The only problem is that because my ex is such a controlling pain in the butt, he also drives his son crazy. My son is glad that his dad and I divorced because he and his dad clash a great deal (his dad clashes with most people). If I had stayed with my son's dad, I think they would've ended up hating one another. So I know I made the right decision but, again, I didn't have to make the choice of not seeing my son most of the time. I totally understand why men stay for the children.

[lilbunny]

BHMM,

Thank you for posting this. In my situation I have been through a whole range of feelings from believing every word unquestioningly, to believing none of it at all. I have wished it never happened at all at times.

Reading your post was a real comfort. I always thought we did the wrong thing for the right reasons, and even if he stays in his M he is still doing just that. Perhaps you can relate to that.

 

Thanks again, I hope you stay with us.

[herenow]

I just finished reading the first page of responses and I have to say, the tone of things lately is quite disgusting to me.

 

Oddly enough, had this man come here posting that he now hated his OW and never missed her a single moment since he left the affair, and he was happily reconciling with his wife and having the best sex ever at home, I seriously doubt his authenticity would have been questioned!!

 

SHAME ON YOU!!!

 

BHMM,

 

Stay with us darlin'. Don't let the morality brigade keep you from posting. You may not have any more to offer to YOUR OW right now, but your posting here could be invaluable to someone else's OW who is hurting.

 

FA, it sure seems like anything short of "way to go" would go against what you consider OK. The POV of many here may not match yours. That doesn't make us "disgusting", just different. Sorry you don't like what we have to say, but I for one don't plan to change how I feel or what I post because you don't like it.

 

If people question the authenticity of this thread, that is their opinion. You have yours, I have mine, and others the same. Sorry you don't like it, but we are not all you.

Edited August 30, 2010 by herenow

[Fallen Angel]

FA, it sure seems like anything short of "way to go" would go against what you consider OK. The POV of many here may not match yours. That doesn't make us "disgusting", just different. Sorry you don't like what we have to say, but I for one don't plan to change how I feel or what I post because you don't like it.

 

I could care less if you pat him on his back and give him a cookie or tell him that he is the worlds bigest assclown for what he has done/is doing. But to question his authenticity simply because he didn't come here spouting hatred and damnation for affairs and all who are in/ have been in them and pleading for forgiveness from the masses for his sins is disgusting. IMHO.

 

And for the record, I hope you do not ever change your posting style, it would make LS far less interesting.

[Angel1111]

Oh, I absolutely truly believe that it is essential that the BW knows the full truth. Even if he moves on and ends the A, there is always something hidden in the closet. The great big disturbing elephant won't go away just like that, even if the BW doesn't see it. She will sense something is off, but what the heck is it? Is it her? Has she changed? Why is H so absent-minded?

 

When a person is basically just staying in the marriage because of the children, then telling the spouse about the affair would be counter-intuitive because that piece of information could land him in the very place that he's trying to avoid - divorce court.

 

I know this has been debated numerous times with heated passion on this site before but, in my opinion, it's not always smart to reveal an affair.

[Fallen Angel]

When a person is basically just staying in the marriage because of the children, then telling the spouse about the affair would be counter-intuitive because that piece of information could land him in the very place that he's trying to avoid - divorce court.

 

I know this has been debated numerous times with heated passion on this site before but, in my opinion, it's not always smart to reveal an affair.

 

Agreed. It would definately be counter-productive to his purpose. However if he truly wants to heal the marriage and make it a marriage of great value and lasting happiness, then eventually he will have to do just that, and be prepared for all the ramifications that come with opening that particular can of worms.

[herenow]

I could care less if you pat him on his back and give him a cookie or tell him that he is the worlds bigest assclown for what he has done/is doing. But to question his authenticity simply because he didn't come here spouting hatred and damnation for affairs and all who are in/ have been in them and pleading for forgiveness from the masses for his sins is disgusting. IMHO.

 

OK, I see what you are saying. Here is why I would question hs authenticity.

 

I truly believe that a MM who has such dedication to his kids that he would stay married for their sake, isn't the type of man to have an affair in the first place.

 

A man who loves his kids, IMO, wouldn't want to keep their mother in the dark about the fact that he loves an OW. He wouldn't carry on an affair behind her back and take the chance that his actions could cause more harm than getting a divorce because the marriage is not working. JMO. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.

[2sure]

Well, the guy sounds very unhappy and what he is doing isnt working.

Its pretty clear he does not want to leave his marriage - whether we agree on that or not.

Its also pretty clear that it was a good idea for him to end the affair with OW since he is not willing to offer her what she wants.

Also a good idea to end the affair since it is not fair to his wife and children ...even though he doesnt mention that, still good.

 

But he is seriously unhappy and it doesnt sound like he is simply missing OW.

 

Since he IS staying...I would think the OP might consider improving his marriage, reinventing it, whatever...so that he and his wife and his children have the Possibility of having a happy and healthy life.

 

Ending the affair while doing nothing else, while still living the lie...just seems like a bandaid. OP deserves happiness and can get it...and so can his wife...but you have to be honest and you have to get there together.

Otherwise...just keep having the affair. Whats the difference?

[pureinheart]

Thank you for your comments Hazyhead. I will keep posting, it seems to be helping me today, and hopefully my perspective is helping others too.

 

Hi BHMM,

 

Your experiences/communicated feelings are helping many...and I am so glad this is helping you also.

 

In situations like this there aren't many (if any at all) that you can talk about the heart felt feelings for many reasons. It's real easy to sit back and judge another person, and sometimes even walking in anothers shoes doesn't help, only the person going through the said problem/challenge can really understand.

 

I've been torn before and the internal battle is devastating...I know this is MUCH easier said than done, although if you can, let it all go...step outside the circumstances and take a really good look at what you should really do, but first take a break from the torment...

 

I am a big fan of the movie, "The Matrix", whenever I get depressed, confused, whatever I usually watch it. Neo is discovering who "he" really is.

 

You know, I can't even imagine how the "MM" really feels...and I really don't think it is as "treacherous" as I'm sure many out there think...you got my thoughts and prayers as to making the right decision and being able to live inh that:)

[herenow]

When a person is basically just staying in the marriage because of the children, then telling the spouse about the affair would be counter-intuitive because that piece of information could land him in the very place that he's trying to avoid - divorce court.

 

I know this has been debated numerous times with heated passion on this site before but, in my opinion, it's not always smart to reveal an affair.

 

How can a man who has such love and dedication for his kids be so cruel and selfish towards his wife (their mother)? Doesn't sound like the same man can be both to me.

[Angel1111]

OK, I see what you are saying. Here is why I would question hs authenticity.

 

I truly believe that a MM who has such dedication to his kids that he would stay married for their sake, isn't the type of man to have an affair in the first place.

 

haha! Sorry, that absolutely made me laugh. My xMM lives and breaths his kids. And they worship him. We had this conversation once and I told him that I was very concerned about the effect it would have on them if we were ever found out. This did not stop him from having an affair.....for 6 yrs. It only ended because I ended it. I'm sure he believed that he'd never get caught. Don't kid yourself, men will risk even things they love dearly for an affair of the heart.

[Confused4Now]

When a person is basically just staying in the marriage because of the children, then telling the spouse about the affair would be counter-intuitive because that piece of information could land him in the very place that he's trying to avoid - divorce court.

 

I know this has been debated numerous times with heated passion on this site before but, in my opinion, it's not always smart to reveal an affair.

To disclose or not to disclose....Wow I can't see how a marriage could move forward without all the cards on the table. We've discussed this so many times it's not even funny. If you plan on leaving your marriage there really is no reason to put more pain in the BS's mind. There is no value in it in whatsoever...However if you do stay the only way you can can move forward in your marriage is to put it all out there...let the BS make the decision whether or not she wants to find her happiness elsewhere.

 

I was stoopid I disclosed to my xW about my xMW 6 months after I moved out. It caused me more grief even to this day. She will always think I left her for the xMW and I'm not even with her. ugh....she cracks jokes about it now....

[Angel1111]

How can a man who has such love and dedication for his kids be so cruel and selfish towards his wife (their mother)? Doesn't sound like the same man can be both to me.

 

Yes, he can actually. Do not ever underestimate human beings. They are far more complex than that.

[desertIslandCactus]

I just finished reading the first page of responses and I have to say, the tone of things lately is quite disgusting to me.

 

Oddly enough, had this man come here posting that he now hated his OW and never missed her a single moment since he left the affair, and he was happily reconciling with his wife and having the best sex ever at home, I seriously doubt his authenticity would have been questioned!!

 

SHAME ON YOU!!!

 

BHMM,

 

Stay with us darlin'. Don't let the morality brigade keep you from posting. You may not have any more to offer to YOUR OW right now, but your posting here could be invaluable to someone else's OW who is hurting.

 

 

My post would still have been that the MM/MW in an affair is a cake eater - and a user of the OW/OM.

 

BHMM on here may be a hopeful consoling sign for you, but you are still insisting on trying to put yourself into the mold of your mother's so-called happily ever after - at the expense of a married woman - wife.

[herenow]

haha! Sorry, that absolutely made me laugh. My xMM lives and breaths his kids. And they worship him. We had this conversation once and I told him that I was very concerned about the effect it would have on them if we were ever found out. This did not stop him from having an affair.....for 6 yrs. It only ended because I ended it. I'm sure he believed that he'd never get caught. Don't kid yourself, men will risk even things they love dearly for an affair of the heart.

 

If he "live and breaths his kids", IMO, he would not have been spending time with you. Believe what you want, but the actions tell a different story.

[Confused4Now]

haha! Sorry, that absolutely made me laugh. My xMM lives and breaths his kids. And they worship him. We had this conversation once and I told him that I was very concerned about the effect it would have on them if we were ever found out. This did not stop him from having an affair.....for 6 yrs. It only ended because I ended it. I'm sure he believed that he'd never get caught. Don't kid yourself, men will risk even things they love dearly for an affair of the heart.

So guess what...my kids know about what I did....I live for my kids and guess what they worship me too. What I saw as they got older was my older boys were losing respect for me cause how I would take the abuse from my xW. I can assure you after all the dust settled my kids love me just as much AND have much more respect for me now.

[NancyBotwin]

Yes, he can actually. Do not ever underestimate human beings. They are far more complex than that.

I disagree. IME human beings are incredibly simple. Those that claim complexity are be those unwilling to answer for their choices. Same for the OP. His choices are and always have been simple.

[Angel1111]

To disclose or not to disclose....Wow I can't see how a marriage could move forward without all the cards on the table. We've discussed this so many times it's not even funny. If you plan on leaving your marriage there really is no reason to put more pain in the BS's mind. There is no value in it in whatsoever...However if you do stay the only way you can can move forward in your marriage is to put it all out there...let the BS make the decision whether or not she wants to find her happiness elsewhere.

 

I was stoopid I disclosed to my xW about my xMW 6 months after I moved out. It caused me more grief even to this day. She will always think I left her for the xMW and I'm not even with her. ugh....she cracks jokes about it now....

 

Right. But he's not staying to fix the marriage. He's staying to be with the kids. Again, counter-intuitive to tell her because he could very likely end up divorced.

 

(P.S. I remember saying to you many times NOT to tell you ex about the affair. I also remember so many people telling you that it was your obligation to do so. And where did it get you and her once you revealed it? Nothing but heartache. It was totally pointless and hurtful information. I hope others learn from it.)

[Minnie09]

When a person is basically just staying in the marriage because of the children, then telling the spouse about the affair would be counter-intuitive because that piece of information could land him in the very place that he's trying to avoid - divorce court.

 

I know this has been debated numerous times with heated passion on this site before but, in my opinion, it's not always smart to reveal an affair.

 

Smart? Of course it wouldn't be necessarily "smart" for him to reveal his secret. He will get to keep what he wants to keep without having to go through any drama that the wifey may cause. Sure it's smarter to shut up and pretend nothing's ever happend. Sure as hell. But if he is not happy in the M, because he misses the mistress, his unhappiness will eventually be obvious. The wife will still not know what's going on. The A might start again.

It's often a cycle that continues. Unrevealed APs feel safe, and long after they pretend their A is over they reconnect. They don't fear to get busted as long as they haven't been busted.

[Owl]

I disagree. IME human beings are incredibly simple. Those that claim complexity are be those unwilling to answer for their choices. Same for the OP. His choices are and always have been simple.

 

Interesting to encounter someone else who views people in a similar fashion.

 

And I agree especially in this case.

 

There is nothing complex in this poster's situation, or what he's doing.

 

My main question for BHMM is this...is his wife aware of the affair, and what are they actively doing to repair/rebuild/renew his marriage?

[herenow]

I disagree. IME human beings are incredibly simple. Those that claim complexity are be those unwilling to answer for their choices. Same for the OP. His choices are and always have been simple.

 

Right and he is simply doing whatever he wants to do. He wants to be the good guy and claim to be doing what is best for his kids. He is making that decision on his own for everyone else involved. Do you really think kids want their parents to stay married, and deny being with someone they love, because of them (the kids)?

[pureinheart]

I just finished reading the first page of responses and I have to say, the tone of things lately is quite disgusting to me.

 

Oddly enough, had this man come here posting that he now hated his OW and never missed her a single moment since he left the affair, and he was happily reconciling with his wife and having the best sex ever at home, I seriously doubt his authenticity would have been questioned!!

 

SHAME ON YOU!!!

 

BHMM,

 

Stay with us darlin'. Don't let the morality brigade keep you from posting. You may not have any more to offer to YOUR OW right now, but your posting here could be invaluable to someone else's OW who is hurting.

 

You are soooo cute FA...and IMO is it really moral to beat down another person?

[Owl]

You are soooo cute FA...and IMO is it really moral to beat down another person?

 

Nothing like throwing a little gasoline on the fire.