A MM's perspective

[terrific]

I think age and experience is what affects our choices. I did something that 5 years ago I would have never dreamed of. Not proud, but I did it. I never thought I would feel the way I do and I would imagine that OP feels the same. I guess the way I look at it is, we are all wired different and there are many reason why we do the things we do and we cannot presume to know what those "things" are in another persons life. As far as the tell or do not tell, as my friends have gotten older ( I am in my mid 40's, so they are my age and older) most have said at this point as long as he comes home and their lifestyles do not change and the kids are happy, they are good with not knowing. I can't speak for all, but as one friend explained, "if he is busy doing her, he is too busy to bother me", call it sad, but everyone copes differently.

[Fallen Angel]

My post would still have been that the MM/MW in an affair is a cake eater - and a user of the OW/OM.

 

BHMM on here may be a hopeful consoling sign for you, but you are still insisting on trying to put yourself into the mold of your mother's so-called happily ever after - at the expense of a married woman - wife.

 

Call him a cake-eater. Call him a user. But to question if he is really a MM or someone posing as a MM simply because he does not come here contrite and bashing his OW as the biggest mistake he ever made is disgusting. I said it. I stand by it.

 

As to me finding solace in his posts, you are much mistaken. However i am certain that his posts will give solace to many OW who have been told time and again that they were nothing but a bit of fluff, easily replaced by the next bit of fluff when the MM is done with her.

 

And I strive to fit no mold passed down from my mother. If you have read my story I did not know that My Sweetheart was married and the truth of his maritial status would have been our undoing had I not already been completely in love with the wonderful man that he is.

 

Save your misinformed theories for someone who wants them. I know the facts of my relationship, and your fifty cents worth of psychiatry is wasted on me.

[Silly_Girl]

Agreed. It would definately be counter-productive to his purpose. However if he truly wants to heal the marriage and make it a marriage of great value and lasting happiness, then eventually he will have to do just that, and be prepared for all the ramifications that come with opening that particular can of worms.

 

I agree. I don't think the situation is healthy for any of the parties. But the OP could well benefit from the re-emergence of a new marriage. As could everyone.

[In_Repair]

You notice, no one ever uses the kids as an excuse not to start an affair.

 

I did... more than once. I was unhappy with my marriage in a lot of ways, but my children's happiness was a far greater concern to me than my own. My STBXW didn't have the same priorities.

[Angel1111]

Smart? Of course it wouldn't be necessarily "smart" for him to reveal his secret. He will get to keep what he wants to keep without having to go through any drama that the wifey may cause. Sure it's smarter to shut up and pretend nothing's ever happend. Sure as hell. But if he is not happy in the M, because he misses the mistress, his unhappiness will eventually be obvious. The wife will still not know what's going on. The A might start again.

It's often a cycle that continues. Unrevealed APs feel safe, and long after they pretend their A is over they reconnect. They don't fear to get busted as long as they haven't been busted.

 

I knew someone was going to latch onto my use of the 'smart' word. Smart in the sense that it's not always the best decision. In a case where someone is more concerned about staying with their children than they are about the quality of the marriage, then it's not smart to reveal this piece of information.

[BB07]

As to the choices that BHMM has made regarding staying in his marriage, "mainly for the kids sake."

 

I think he took what he sees as the easiest way out, even though he obviously is in hell right now, still I think it's more about what he sees as easiest for him. It is human nature to take the easiest route from point A to point B, it just is.

 

I'm concerned that in a couple of years that you are going to find yourself in the same situation with your AP again and history is going to repeat itself. IMO......you should put it all out on the table with your wife and either both of you choose to work on your marriage, or you should go ahead and leave the marriage and be with the woman you want to be with.

 

Either way takes a lot of courage and it's very risky, but what you are doing right now is playing it just as safely as you can.

 

 

Just my 2 cents........and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I just had to say what I thought.

[jj33]

OK, I see what you are saying. Here is why I would question hs authenticity.

 

I truly believe that a MM who has such dedication to his kids that he would stay married for their sake, isn't the type of man to have an affair in the first place.

 

A man who loves his kids, IMO, wouldn't want to keep their mother in the dark about the fact that he loves an OW. He wouldn't carry on an affair behind her back and take the chance that his actions could cause more harm than getting a divorce because the marriage is not working. JMO. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.

 

Herenow what you are saying makes logical sense but it isnt the way things work in many cases. For example, one poster comes to mind who was seriously bashed on this board and the infidelity board for staying for being very clear that he was not in love and was staying for his child. Hes clearly not alone in his choice. Its compartmentalizing. Im there for my child but Im going to get my needs met (no offense BHMM just seems to me that is the thought process).

 

Id name the poster but we were recently admonished on another thread for making examples of other members

[Confused4Now]

(P.S. I remember saying to you many times NOT to tell you ex about the affair. I also remember so many people telling you that it was your obligation to do so. And where did it get you and her once you revealed it? Nothing but heartache. It was totally pointless and hurtful information. I hope others learn from it.)

Yes you are right....however like I said I was stupid...looking back I would not have disclosed my xMW to my xW. I had no intention of making my marriage work. It was a dead end situation. I am Rock solid there no reason to pour more salt in a wound if you are moving on.....however my view is different if you are staying KIDS or not. Like someone says what happens once the kids grow up? You divorce then and then have a bitter xW like me? NO thanks..you owe it to the BS to make that decision....as long as she has all the facts period.

[jj33]

Great post Confused. People dont leave for other people, they leave for themselves. So if you are leaving, its because the marriage has broken down. The fact that you have met someone else is secondary. This isnt 8th grade, you were my gf for the last 2 weeks but now Janies my gf so see ya later.

 

Pouring salt on the wound by mentioning the new person seems to me to only give the other spouse something to focus on other than the problems that caused the marriage to break down in the first place.

[Angel1111]

Yes you are right....however like I said I was stupid...looking back I would not have disclosed my xMW to my xW. I had no intention of making my marriage work. It was a dead end situation. I am Rock solid there no reason to pour more salt in a wound if you are moving on.....however my view is different if you are staying KIDS or not. Like someone says what happens once the kids grow up? You divorce then and then have a bitter xW like me? NO thanks..you owe it to the BS to make that decision....as long as she has all the facts period.

 

Yes, but marriage is a very tangled web....

[pureinheart]

Nothing like throwing a little gasoline on the fire.

 

Owl, it was the truth...FTR the fire w/gasoline was started and thrown in the beginning of the thread, why didn't you comment on that?

[terrific]

I wish there was a like button.

[someday]

You notice, no one ever uses the kids as an excuse not to start an affair.

 

Count me among those of us who do not start affair because of our children.

[Fallen Angel]

I wish there was a like button.

 

LIKE. (ten characters required.)

[herenow]

Owl, it was the truth...FTR the fire w/gasoline was started and thrown in the beginning of the thread, why didn't you comment on that?

 

Looking forward to the next "helpful" thread debating what is and isn't support.

 

Just accept that everyone has a right to their own opinion.

[herenow]

Great post Confused. People dont leave for other people, they leave for themselves. So if you are leaving, its because the marriage has broken down. The fact that you have met someone else is secondary. This isnt 8th grade, you were my gf for the last 2 weeks but now Janies my gf so see ya later.

 

Pouring salt on the wound by mentioning the new person seems to me to only give the other spouse something to focus on other than the problems that caused the marriage to break down in the first place.

 

Yup! I think that many people do leave for their OW or OM, we just don't have those facts to count in the statistics. Once a marriage is over and the decision to leave has been made, the fact that there is an other person in the picture really isn't a factor in the divorce or end of the marriage. IMO

[donnamaybe]

 

Count me among those of us who do not start affair because of our children.

It's always a good thing to NOT close the barn door after the horse has been let out of the barn.

[Owl]

Owl, it was the truth...FTR the fire w/gasoline was started and thrown in the beginning of the thread, why didn't you comment on that?

 

Because even in those posts that disagreed with the OP, or questioned him...there was an intent to lead to some kind of advice.

 

There was none of that in the attempt to bash others about their morality, nor is there in calling other posters on here "the morality brigade".

 

If you want to tear down walls, tear them down with understanding, don't do the same thing you're accusing other of and join in the name-calling.

 

Back to the original poster...I'm still curious if your wife knows of the affair, and what steps you're taking to rebuild your marriage?

[herenow]

Back to the original poster...I'm still curious if your wife knows of the affair, and what steps you're taking to rebuild your marriage?

 

Good question. Is he just living everyday thinking what a great dad he is and wishing he could be with the OW? Or is he doing his best to really give his kids a happy home? Which, IMO would be doing everything possible to create a happy marriage. Including being honest with his wife since he has made the choice to stay.

[someday]

lol Donna, for years I've tried very hard to close, lock and dead bolt that door.....it always remains open just a tiny bit.

[terrific]

BHMM, does your wife know? and did you ever try to end it before? If you did, why did it not end then? 3 years seems like a long time.

[In_Repair]

I'm glad the OP started this thread. It does provide some insight on this issue. I don't mean to "call you out" or anything, but I'd like to point out that we have already gone from "I stayed for the kids" to "80% of the reason I stayed was the kids". If we keep honestly breaking it down, I bet we would end up at what... maybe 50% for the kids? You aren't stupid, you knew that an affair could cost you the kids before you ever even let another woman get close to you.

 

Like I said, I'm not trying to bust your balls man, and I understand that it's easier to sleep at night when you justify things as you are. The problem is that your mind still isn't in your marriage, where the kids are. It's not where you really want to be. I'm not a big fan of therapy, because I'm convinced that 80% of therapists are more screwed in the head than any of us are... but you need to do some deep thinking in this matter before you decide to just trudge along in a miserable marriage. I also thought that the failure of my marriage would hurt my kids so much and that I would miss so much of their lives, but you know what? After the ****ty marriage finally ended, the kids and I are much happier. I only have them 50% of the time, but our time together is 100% better than it was.

[breaking_bad]

I totally agree with the multiple posters who said, if you plan to stay in your M for your family, then for heaven sake, figure out how to "be" in your M. Otherwise it is completely unfair to your W and to your kids. And this is also coincidentally the reason you dumped the OW so prove your family is as important as you say. Not trying to be mean, but I said the same thing to my xMM. It would actually make me feel better, not worse, if he went and had a kick a** marriage because it would mean that he was being honest... Otherwise, I couldn't be with the man I loved because he didn't want to change his scenery and liked having someone take care of his kids and pay the bills while he worked alot And I'm only sort of kidding.

 

Anyway, I think the fact of the matter is, in most cases, the husband, the wife and AP are ALL deeply affected by the A. Deeply affected and deeply hurt.

 

And just as the OW has to heal and move on and rebuild a life without the man she fell in love with, so too does the MM and if he has a wife and family that he has chosen to be with, then that's where the rebuilding should focus.

 

Whether you tell your W about the A or not, well, that you have to judge by your own situation. And I'm really glad I'm not the one who has to make that decision

[September]

You mean OW provides you with crush like feelings, it's intense, sexual, lust, heart flutters etc.. ALL the good stuff that happens at the beginning of any new relationship. The thing is, once that wears off, what happens next?

 

You cannot compare what you feel for the OW against what you feel for your wife. Obviously you loved your wife at some point in time, since you married her and had children with her. Created a life together.

 

What you have with your wife is long term. Sure life gets boring, sex is routine gets stale..But it's up to you AND your wife to make time for one another and keep the passion alive! Go on date nights, drop the kids off at the grandparents, or get a babysitter.

 

Do you still have sex with your wife? Did you have sex with your wife while you were having the affair?

 

Just a suggestion, but consider seeking some counseling to help you through this, and talk to your wife about how you feel (and if you have the courage, tell her about the A and let HER choose if she wants to stay married to you)..

 

WOW! I thought you would be popular!!

In response to the above, yes after a while the the "fire" does burn down a little, which is very normal but for my xMM and I, it wasn't just about sex (even though that part was fantastic). We had so much in common, the same interests. He and his w married at a very young age and over time found they had little left in common, aside from their children. He felt that he came last on the list. So when he met me, I provided him all of the things he so enjoyed doing, WE enjoyed doing - together.

It's a great idea suggesting 'date nights' but that didn't work for my xH and I. We really had nothing to talk about, apart from the children. He and I had also grown apart.

[Ellin]

BHMM, I haven't read the entire thread, just the beginning, and I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story and I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

I can totally understand that MM can feel this way and be genuine towards OW. I never thought most MM are cold-blooded liars ets as some like so much to portray them. Just humans with feelings, sometimes getting caught up in difficult situations.

 

I can also identify with not being able to leave children. I couldn't leave mine for a man and live with myself.

 

I wish you all the best and please keep posting.