A MM's perspective

[awkward]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm happy to see that you are taking questions because I have tons.

 

What happens if your other woman discloses to your wife that her marriage is a facade and that you are only still married because of the kids? What happens when the kids no longer live at home? Would you like to see the mother of your children find love and commitment with a man who is there only because of his love for her?

 

What about your other woman and her pain? How can you hurt your true love this way? How do you reconcile hurting both your wife and your other woman?

 

Will your kids be happier in a home where their father does not love their mother and is unfaithful or in two homes where their father's lack of love/unfaithfulness doesn't hurt their mother anymore?

 

As uncomfortable as it might be for you to watch another man share in raising your children, I'm sure it would be equally uncomfortable for your wife to share her husband with his true love. It is probably really uncomfortable for your true love to watch you try to reconcile a marriage with someone who is both uninformed and unloved by you.

 

ETA: Sorry one more question. Does the BH in BHMM stand for betrayed husband? Was your wife unfaithful to you as well?

Edited August 30, 2010 by awkward

[silktricks]

n. Does the BH in BHMM stand for betrayed husband? Was your wife unfaithful to you as well?

 

I had assumed broken-hearted.

[BHMM]

Why is it that you are comfortable making a life decision for your wife...deciding for her that she must live with a partner that is in love with someone else?

Who said I was comfortable with any of this? The whole situation sucks.

 

I must profess I'm suspicious of this thread but what the hell.

 

You have said you are staying for the kids and that there is a bond between you and your W. This, on the surface, seems contradictory as staying "for the kids" precludes staying for your W (which would require emotions and a bond).

 

How do you reconcile those statements?

You can choose not to believe me, but I'm 100% real. I honestly just wanted to give a MM's perspective and maybe help someone like so many posts I've read on here have helped me. And writing about it is cathartic for me.

 

Regarding your question, I don't see it as contradictory. I'm staying for my kids and in that context I'm going to try to work on my M and try to make things good again. The goal now is reconciliation and a good M. Hopefully in time I can get there.

 

How sad for everyone.

...

I agree.

 

So you have to ask yourself this question.... are you settling? Do you picture growing old with your W? Have you been unfaithful to your W before you were married?

Sort of? But I like to think the M can be good again, if I devote the time and effort I put into the A back into the M. No, I wasn't unfaithful to her prior to this or when we were dating.

 

So what do you plan to do when your children move out and away from you and your wife? Stay in a marriage with someone you aren't in love with? Sounds like heaven.

Hopefully, with work, by then the M will be good again. Even though I'm a million miles away from that now, that's the goal.

 

You notice, no one ever uses the kids as an excuse not to start an affair.

Good point.

[BHMM]

That's alot to change. Anyway, I think that's great. I just wouldn't make excuses or rationalize that it's only because this would "damage" the kids, when if sounds more like you want to be at home with them and leaving them would "damage" you....

 

So I also am not a big fan of the "for the kids" and belive that it's the adults who don't want to leave the kids and have to miss out on that experience, or any of the experiences/lives of their kids. I'm not sure why that's so hard for grown ups to say. It's a legit point.

.....

 

BTW took guts for you to post. Thanks.

Thanks. And good points. I definitely thought about how leaving the kids would affect them as well as me. But maybe you're right, maybe I was more worried about them adjusting to life without me more easily than I would adjust to not being part of their day-to-day lives.

 

BHMM,

I just want to say that I can relate to your situation. I’m MW, I love my H, we’ve two children (teens) and I’ve been in love with another man for nearly all my life. I’m staying for the kids, for now, we’ll see what happens 5 yrs from now. This OM of mine loves me too. We’ve never completely crossed the line and I’m glad for that because I’d in where you are now. I don’t want to taste the ‘fruit’ that I cannot have.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks someday. Good luck with everything.

 

BHMM says the affair has ended. So long as he is not gaslighting her and is not planning to stray again, then its a marriage like a multitude of others.

 

BHMM your post is very interesting and I do feel for you. The man I was involved with made the same decision (for different reasons) and 3 years later, the affair still haunts him. Hes nearing retirement and doesnt feel he can leave and told me many times if he met when he was not approaching retirement things would be different. So think hard about your decision, you dont want to look back in 20 years and say I should have left when I was younger. For all my defense of your position, you dont know how your W would feel if she knew (or maybe you do). She might prefer to have the chance at finding real love again. Everyone deserves that. Not everyone gets it but they deserve a shot at it.

I agree that all marriages have untold tales and compromises (not usually to the extreme of an A, but still). Thanks for your post, I will definitely think about what you said. But for now the decision is made, the A is over. I have to let OW go and I have to repair my M.

 

I would like to ask the OP how he would feel if he were the one in the dark and later found out his wife decided to stay married to him (for the sake of the kids) while in love with anther man. Could be the truth, we don't know.

I'm not sure... Part of me thinks I would've wanted her to stay, because it kept the family intact, and a stable environment to raise happy kids is the whole point. But honestly I don't know.

[BHMM]

I completely get everything you're saying, and I actually agree with you. Unless your marriage is just killing your soul in one way or another, I do think it's best to stay for the children, as cliche as that sounds. Try to make peace with your marriage (and your decision) as best you can and I really wish you the best. You're not a bad person for what you did. I do understand how those deep connections can blindside a person. But if you find yourself wanting to go back to the OW, please end your marriage first. Then you'll realize if you're really serious or not. It is nice to hear from a MM that he had deep emotional ties to the affair. I think a lot of OW begin to doubt that at times.

 

The issue I have with my xMM is that every time I ended our affair because it was obvious he wasn't going to leave his marriage and I didn't like the cheating, is that he was back within a week or two wanting me back. I took this to mean that he was more serious about me than I thought. Agreed that I didn't have to fall into that trap but, as I said to him recently, I just want to know what he was thinking. What I'm angry with him about is that he didn't do what you did - which is leave me alone if he was choosing to stay in his marriage. Stringing me along just because he could was hurtful. Plus, I lost respect for him because I realized that he was willing to lie and cheat on his wife for a long period of time, and it ended up making me feel like I could never trust him. Be glad you didn't do that to your OW because she would have eventually come to dislike and distrust you. I admire you because a lot of MM don't do that, and that's why the OW ends up so confused.

Thanks for your reply Angel. My M was never that bad, that's why in the end it was impossible for me to justify leaving, even though I am deeply in love with OW.

 

And I appreciate hearing about your situation, it reconfirms my commitment to maintaining NC. I feel like this whole A lasted a lifetime already, I'm not going to reinitiate contact with OW and drag it out any more.

 

BHMM,

 

Thank You.

 

I have not yet read a single response to your post. But I wanted to thank you for having the guts to post here.

 

Since you have been lurking for some time, you know too well how many OW are simply destroyed by the masses telling her that if her MM did not "move mountains" that he never loved her. Too many OW are left thinking that they were used, and abused, and were nothing but a piece of sideass. So many posters here ram that kind of utter rubish down their throats until they actually start to believe it.

 

So Thank You. Thank You for helping even just one OW who is suffering today with questions about whether she was ever really loved. Because in the end, most OW will heal more quickly, and more fully, if they can accept that yes, they were indeed loved. Yes, they were a person of great value to the MM. And yes, he does still love and miss them, even if he couldn't bring himself to separate himself from the maritial relationship.

 

It is referred to here often as tough love.. I tend to call it agenda furthering; turning a woman who is willing to seek the real love she desires (and possibly end up OW again) into a rOW, who will join in the bashing of MM and OW forever more.

 

Thanks again... and I for one am very glad that you are here and willing to post.

Thanks for the feedback FA. I'm glad my perspective is helping some.

I just finished reading the first page of responses and I have to say, the tone of things lately is quite disgusting to me.

 

Oddly enough, had this man come here posting that he now hated his OW and never missed her a single moment since he left the affair, and he was happily reconciling with his wife and having the best sex ever at home, I seriously doubt his authenticity would have been questioned!!

 

SHAME ON YOU!!!

 

BHMM,

 

Stay with us darlin'. Don't let the morality brigade keep you from posting. You may not have any more to offer to YOUR OW right now, but your posting here could be invaluable to someone else's OW who is hurting.

Honestly part of me hopes OW stumbles across this board and not necessarily recognize "us" in my posts, but can read something like this and take some solace in the fact that I miss her terribly and I still love her.

 

Oh, I absolutely truly believe that it is essential that the BW knows the full truth. Even if he moves on and ends the A, there is always something hidden in the closet. The great big disturbing elephant won't go away just like that, even if the BW doesn't see it. She will sense something is off, but what the heck is it? Is it her? Has she changed? Why is H so absent-minded?

 

I agree that unfortunately the BW rarely finds out the truth if the H has ended the A. But the A won't leave the M entirely as long as it is being swept under the rug. Especially if there are still feelings and lovely memories lingering on the WH's mind.

 

Just read the OP's words. He loves the xAP. Still. For the wife it means that she is living with half a husband, and she doesn't even know why. That is so unfair and so so very sad.

I agree it is unfair and sad, but I'm not going to reveal the A to my W. I know a lot of people aren't going to like that, but that's the way it is.

 

BHMM,

Thank you for posting this. In my situation I have been through a whole range of feelings from believing every word unquestioningly, to believing none of it at all. I have wished it never happened at all at times.

Reading your post was a real comfort. I always thought we did the wrong thing for the right reasons, and even if he stays in his M he is still doing just that. Perhaps you can relate to that.

 

Thanks again, I hope you stay with us.

Hi lilbunny, I'm really glad to read this, this is exactly why I posted my story. "The wrong thing for the right reasons", that really sums it up. Good luck to you and hang in there.

 

OK, I see what you are saying. Here is why I would question hs authenticity.

 

I truly believe that a MM who has such dedication to his kids that he would stay married for their sake, isn't the type of man to have an affair in the first place.

I see your point, but I promise I and my situation are real. I can't explain how I love my kids this much yet still had an A, but I really don't see how the two are mutually exclusive. I admit that the A was disrespectful and deceitful to my family, but stopping short of leaving for OW should show that I love my kids enought that I couldn't inflict the real lasting damage on them that a D would've brought.

[BHMM]

Wow, there are a lot of responses, thanks everyone (even the critics). The multi-quote thing is getting a little unwieldy I'm going to try just responding as I read replies in another window.

[White Flower]

When it comes to the sanctity of marriage, I believe it is an either/or world.

 

In each of the circumstances of your affairs, you were most likely given warning before proceding from the "amazing connection" emotional phase to the physical (can't turn away from it) stage.

 

When people on here refer to MM/MW in affairs as 'cake eaters', I believe that to be fact.

 

If you aren't divorcing - try to put more into your marriage.

Um, he said he wanted to offer the perspective of the MM. He's already doing, and claimed as much, as you just said. Talk about border patrol.

 

 

The OP isn't asking for advice on entering or not entering an A. He is stating his feelings having left the A as most people would advise him to.

 

Kudos to you OP for doing what you thought was right. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but you know you made a horrible and painful mistake and did what you could to make it right. You have to carry the A with you and what it cost you and your family but you've tried to make it right.

 

As far as writing styles and if a man would write this. Devil Inside did. Owl is an eloquent writer.

 

I also don't feel the snarky comment about finding his feminine side was called for but if it made you feel better to say it more power to you.

I agree SB, we finally have a MM's perspective and they are shooing him away.

 

BHMM, welcome to LS. I hope you find lots of clarification on your emotional journey here.

 

If it hasn't already been asked, how do you live with that feeling of mourning every day, especially facing your W each day? I'm going through a similar experience, and wonder what my MM is thinking, and how he is coping without me.

[jj33]

My M was never that bad, that's why in the end it was impossible for me to justify leaving, even though I am deeply in love with OW.

 

And I appreciate hearing about your situation, it reconfirms my commitment to maintaining NC. I feel like this whole A lasted a lifetime already, I'm not going to reinitiate contact with OW and drag it out any more.

 

As you sound truly committed to working on your marriage, not contacting your OW is so important not just for your healing but for her as well. Ive been out of the A for 3 years and the toing and froing was a big problem for far too long and even tho that seems to have stopped I am constantly on guard waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its takes away from the good memories and drags out the pain of ending it.

 

I hope you are able to rebuild your relationship with your wife.

[SidLyon]

 

I hope this helps give some perspective on things from an MM’s point of view. Feel free to ask me whatever questions you want and I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.

 

 

Do you still have sex with your wife? Did you have sex with your wife while you were having the affair?

 

 

Hello and welcome BHMM and thanks for agreeing to give honest answers.

 

Did you answer WWIU's question - I haven't finished reading yet?

 

Also I have some more question I hope you will answer.

 

1. Were you completely honest with your OW about your sex/intimate life with your wife? Did this extend to details and private conversations?

 

2. What is it you still like/love about your wife?

 

3. What do/did you enjoy doing with your wife?

 

4. You say you are trying to rebuild your marriage so are you now making an effort to do these again with your wife or are you still focusing on your OW.

 

5. How does your wife feel now about you and your marriage?

 

6. Does your wife know or suspect your infidelity - if not what do/did you do to ensure she never suspected or found out?

[Ellin]

I would like to ask those who cry out how BW needs to know the truth - how exactly is it going to make her life better?

 

The A is over and her H has re-committed himself to the M for good now. Something may be slightly off as he's not entirely mentally/emotionally present in the M but he's there in person - exclusively and intending to work on making it better with time.

 

Why would breaking the W's heart with this information make anything better than that? She's ok now and the life goes on as normal. Otherwise she would be distressed, her whole life collapsing around her. Having the chance to leave? And ending up D, with traumatic past, broken family, upset children?

 

The A is over. Why do more damage than necessary?

[terrific]

Thank-you for posting BHHM, my situation is similar, and it is helpful to read another perspective.

[kuma]

I really don't know. As a life partner and the mother of my children, I do. When compared to the feelings I have for OW, it doesn't feel like love.

 

Thanks for the reply. What made you marry your wife? I just wanted you to know that your wife is a woman just like your OW. She has needs too. If you can't love her, you have to let her go.

[desertIslandCactus]

Um, he said he wanted to offer the perspective of the MM. He's already doing, and claimed as much, as you just said. Talk about border patrol.

 

 

I agree SB, we finally have a MM's perspective and they are shooing him away.

 

BHMM, welcome to LS. I hope you find lots of clarification on your emotional journey here.

 

If it hasn't already been asked, how do you live with that feeling of mourning every day, especially facing your W each day? I'm going through a similar experience, and wonder what my MM is thinking, and how he is coping without me.

 

 

I wish both MM the best, in their coping.

[stillafool]

Hello and welcome BHMM and thanks for agreeing to give honest answers.

 

Did you answer WWIU's question - I haven't finished reading yet?

 

Also I have some more question I hope you will answer.

 

1. Were you completely honest with your OW about your sex/intimate life with your wife? Did this extend to details and private conversations?

 

2. What is it you still like/love about your wife?

 

3. What do/did you enjoy doing with your wife?

 

4. You say you are trying to rebuild your marriage so are you now making an effort to do these again with your wife or are you still focusing on your OW.

 

5. How does your wife feel now about you and your marriage?

 

6. Does your wife know or suspect your infidelity - if not what do/did you do to ensure she never suspected or found out?

 

I would also like to ask would it matter now if your wife started her own affair?

[Ellin]

because he isn't staying for the right reason, which was the reason he married his wife and had children in the first place; because he loved her. he is not being true to his wife again; he already broke the trust with having an affair and now he is living a lie. his wife knows something is going on i would bet. she probably seems him being sad and depressed. she probably wonders what she did wrong and how she can make it better. how is it better to not tell the wife the truth so she can live a life with truth and with someone who loves her and isn't in love with someone else.

Thanks for answering hockeyfan, but there's a long way from OP telling his W about the A to her being with someone who loves her and isn't in love with someone else. For all you know this may never happen for her if she finds out the truth and decides to leave M. She might end up alone for a long time and feeling worse than she does now.

 

Her H loves someone else but has decided and stuck to it to end the other R for good and commit to his W, whatever the reason. There is a good chance of their M recovering and the love being brought back into it as it once was, and then she will have that thing with the father of her children and they'll still be a family unit.

 

It's almost amusing when so many posters write things like that to a BS or OW - just get out of this R and find someone who'll love you, cherish you, move mountains for you, be single and wonderful - as if the A or M going through a difficult patch is in some kind of parallel universe and outside of it everything is a fairy tale, all you have to do is leave and you'll live happily ever after.

 

In reality, a R with a single man can be worse than an A and D post A can end up in more heartbreak than staying M, so there is no certainty that telling the W the truth will help her find happiness.

[White Flower]

How sad for everyone.

 

MM - Loves a woman he can't be with because he has kids

 

MM's kids - Has a dad who stays married because of them, but would rather be somewhere else. I can't even imagine the guilt trip his kids will have if they ever find out they were the reason dad can't be with the woman he loves.

 

BW - Married to a man who has made a decision to stay with her because of the kids, but loves another woman. A choice is being made for her without her knowledge. Maybe she would like to be with a man who truly loves her. Maybe she doesn't want to be with a man who loves anther woman. We don't know because she hasn't been given a choice how to live her own life. Her H has made that choice for her.

 

OW - I guess she is in love with a man who she can't be with. Don't know since she isn't posting here about her feelings.

 

So very sad for all including the kids. Their dad is living a lie everyday in their name. IMO, to use kids as a reason to stay married puts a hugh burden on the kids. But that's just my opinion. To each their own.

Herenow it is so refreshing to see that BWs also think in this fashion, and want a H's sincere love or no love at all. I would call BHMM's love an altruistic one and I would reject it no matter if I were the W or OW.

 

OK, I see what you are saying. Here is why I would question hs authenticity.

 

I truly believe that a MM who has such dedication to his kids that he would stay married for their sake, isn't the type of man to have an affair in the first place.

 

A man who loves his kids, IMO, wouldn't want to keep their mother in the dark about the fact that he loves an OW. He wouldn't carry on an affair behind her back and take the chance that his actions could cause more harm than getting a divorce because the marriage is not working. JMO. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.

I've seen you post this before, and it just doesn't gel. I wish it did make sense, but it just doesn't. Think of the millions of As going on in the world right now all of which are conducted away from the eyes of the innocent (children). It only seems that D presents the truth to those innocent eyes in MM's view, but not the illicit A.

 

How can a man who has such love and dedication for his kids be so cruel and selfish towards his wife (their mother)? Doesn't sound like the same man can be both to me.

But it happens every single day...and it always will.

To disclose or not to disclose....Wow I can't see how a marriage could move forward without all the cards on the table. We've discussed this so many times it's not even funny. If you plan on leaving your marriage there really is no reason to put more pain in the BS's mind. There is no value in it in whatsoever...However if you do stay the only way you can can move forward in your marriage is to put it all out there...let the BS make the decision whether or not she wants to find her happiness elsewhere.

 

I was stoopid I disclosed to my xW about my xMW 6 months after I moved out. It caused me more grief even to this day. She will always think I left her for the xMW and I'm not even with her. ugh....she cracks jokes about it now....

(((Confused4Now))). I never disclosed for fear of the same reason, not that he asked. If he asked me today (we're friends now) I still wouldn't tell him.

If he "live and breaths his kids", IMO, he would not have been spending time with you. Believe what you want, but the actions tell a different story.

HN, kids are busy with school, with sports, with sleepovers. Time spent with OW is usually the time his kids are busy doing other activities. Again, every day around the world.

 

 

Thanks for your reply Angel. My M was never that bad, that's why in the end it was impossible for me to justify leaving, even though I am deeply in love with OW.

 

 

 

Honestly part of me hopes OW stumbles across this board and not necessarily recognize "us" in my posts, but can read something like this and take some solace in the fact that I miss her terribly and I still love her.

 

 

I agree it is unfair and sad, but I'm not going to reveal the A to my W. I know a lot of people aren't going to like that, but that's the way it is.

 

 

 

 

I see your point, but I promise I and my situation are real. I can't explain how I love my kids this much yet still had an A, but I really don't see how the two are mutually exclusive. I admit that the A was disrespectful and deceitful to my family, but stopping short of leaving for OW should show that I love my kids enought that I couldn't inflict the real lasting damage on them that a D would've brought.

BHMM, surely you discount the millions of children who endure and overcome D daily across the planet? Are you saying that my children are any less blessed than yours because mine witnessed their parents' break-up?

 

How about the idea that my kids may be stronger than your kids in the future, having weathered tougher storms, and having witnessed two parents who practically hated each other who have compromized, talked things through, and are now good friends. My kids have seen true forgiveness and a willingness to shake hands and be friends for their sake, opening the door to new and wonderful opportunities. Who in your world has told you that D will ruin your children's minds, hearts, and souls? Why can't they be stronger BECAUSE of your D or in spite of it?

 

And the part BBM. Wow, just go on and live your mediocre life. Report back in five years and tell us you've finally found the magic with your BW. Maybe by then she'll still be pretty and shapely enough to find someone who is really worthy of her, if you finally come to your senses and let her go. That's 'just the way it is' because you are selfish. Your need to be the 'good guy, the good father' is more important to you than allowing another man to give your W the loving H she actually deserves...and is out there somewhere.

[BHMM]

Alright, nevermind, multi-quote is the way to go...

 

Well, the guy sounds very unhappy and what he is doing isnt working.

Its pretty clear he does not want to leave his marriage - whether we agree on that or not.

Its also pretty clear that it was a good idea for him to end the affair with OW since he is not willing to offer her what she wants.

Also a good idea to end the affair since it is not fair to his wife and children ...even though he doesnt mention that, still good.

 

But he is seriously unhappy and it doesnt sound like he is simply missing OW.

 

Since he IS staying...I would think the OP might consider improving his marriage, reinventing it, whatever...so that he and his wife and his children have the Possibility of having a happy and healthy life.

 

Ending the affair while doing nothing else, while still living the lie...just seems like a bandaid. OP deserves happiness and can get it...and so can his wife...but you have to be honest and you have to get there together.

Otherwise...just keep having the affair. Whats the difference?

Agree with pretty much everything you said. I am seriously missing OW, but I'm trying to focus my energy on my W and reparing the M. I'm not going to reveal the A to my W, but I'm still going to try to make the M work again.

 

Hi BHMM,

 

Your experiences/communicated feelings are helping many...and I am so glad this is helping you also.

 

In situations like this there aren't many (if any at all) that you can talk about the heart felt feelings for many reasons. It's real easy to sit back and judge another person, and sometimes even walking in anothers shoes doesn't help, only the person going through the said problem/challenge can really understand.

 

I've been torn before and the internal battle is devastating...I know this is MUCH easier said than done, although if you can, let it all go...step outside the circumstances and take a really good look at what you should really do, but first take a break from the torment...

 

I am a big fan of the movie, "The Matrix", whenever I get depressed, confused, whatever I usually watch it. Neo is discovering who "he" really is.

 

You know, I can't even imagine how the "MM" really feels...and I really don't think it is as "treacherous" as I'm sure many out there think...you got my thoughts and prayers as to making the right decision and being able to live inh that:)

Thank you pureinheart, your post meant a lot to me. I will try to do as you said and see if helps give me some perspective. Right now it is hard to see outside my own little world.

 

My post would still have been that the MM/MW in an affair is a cake eater - and a user of the OW/OM.

I'm not clear on the use of this terminolgy... Is calling someone a cake-eater meant to also imply that they had no genunine feelings of love for the OW? Honest question. I admitted earlier that I may have been cake-eating too, but now I don't know if you're allowed to do that and be in love with the person at the same time...

 

My main question for BHMM is this...is his wife aware of the affair, and what are they actively doing to repair/rebuild/renew his marriage?

No, she is not, and I'm not going to tell her.

 

I'm going to try to focus the energy and attention that went into the A, on my W.

[crazycatlady]

Thank you for starting your own thread. This is taking a lot of guts and you are getting the rapid fire on all sides.

 

I mean my questions in the most honest straight forward way I can make them. I do not have an agenda, nor do I wish to make you feel bad. I simply want to get inside your brain and figure out this way of thinking because this is truly my worst nightmare.

 

While I'm 98% sure its not the case here, now and then that 2% sneaks up and robs me of my sleep, or makes me start wondering. I don't care about the emotional side or the physical side (if you want to know why ask and I'll pm you why but most on here know and I do not want to tj and talk about it) but I could not stand him staying with me if he didn't love me, need me, and want me.

 

So here are my list of questions that I hope you take the time to answer, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

1 - Do you still desire your wife? Have sex regularly? Before, during, after the affair? Was this a problem area before the A?

 

2 - Do you think it is fair to deny your wife the possible love and connection you have with your OW by staying married to her?

 

3 - Do you think your wife would use your kids against you in a divorce if you did try and seperate? Have you ever talked about what would happen if you seperated?

 

4 - How often do you fight with your wife in front of the kids or even where the kids could see the tension?

 

5 - Do the kids see a good model for relationships between you two or do they see basically roommates who just happen to be spouses?

 

6 - Has the guilt physically affected you? Do you actually feel guilty? And if you feel guilty who do you feel guiltiest about wife or OW for how you treated them?

 

7 - If you could go back, would you prevent the affair? Or is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all?

 

I feel bad for you, your wife, and your OW. I made the comment about treating this breakup as a death. You can't act like a normal break up, still able to sometimes see each other, because it wasn't a breakup for typical reasons as you both still want and love each other. Because of that, it is a death. It is hard however to truly moarn another person while married. And I have no advice for that. I feel though that the more you attempt to deny something - such as your love for OW - the more it is reinforced because you focus on it when trying to push it from your mind. Its like its against human nature to be able to ignore something we want. Which is very frustrating.

 

I wish you luck, no matter how it ends.

[White Flower]

I'm not clear on the use of this terminolgy... Is calling someone a cake-eater meant to also imply that they had no genunine feelings of love for the OW? Honest question. I admitted earlier that I may have been cake-eating too, but now I don't know if you're allowed to do that and be in love with the person at the same time...

Refreshing idea, and one we would only see coming from a MM. I like that you'll change the meaning as long as love was/is involved.

 

Which leads me to my next question. How often did you sleep with both women each week? Did sex with your W (or OW just to be fair) ever feel like 'masturbation' as we often see when fWH return to their W and claim sex with OW was like masturbation? I am not trying to be snide in any way, just want an honest answer if you don't mind.

 

And if it DID feel meaningless with your fBW, how are you coping with that? How long do you see yourself coping with that? Or is there no coping at all, sex is just sex and you'll enjoy it no matter who you're with?

 

Thanks in advance.

[terrific]

I believe you can love them both. Not the same kind of love, but I think you can. Not that I am advocating polygamy, but in history and other cultures, there are lots of examples of men with multiple wives, was there no love in any of those relationships? I think our minds are capable of a lot of things, it is how we compartmentalize that affects us. Hopefully in time, his love for his wife will grow and the longing for the other woman will lessen. It does not mean he will forget her, but she may be over there in his mind. I just think we love who we love and once we are there, it is really hard to stop and go back, feelings don't stop on a dime.

[BHMM]

As to the choices that BHMM has made regarding staying in his marriage, "mainly for the kids sake."

 

I think he took what he sees as the easiest way out, even though he obviously is in hell right now, still I think it's more about what he sees as easiest for him. It is human nature to take the easiest route from point A to point B, it just is.

 

I'm concerned that in a couple of years that you are going to find yourself in the same situation with your AP again and history is going to repeat itself.

...

Either way takes a lot of courage and it's very risky, but what you are doing right now is playing it just as safely as you can.

 

 

Just my 2 cents........and I know you didn't ask for advice, but I just had to say what I thought.

You may be right. There's no question this was the easier way out. It probably was a factor in my decision. Doesn't negate the rest of the factors, and I'll still say my preventing putting my kids through the D and everything that comes with it was #1 on the list.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for answering hockeyfan, but there's a long way from OP telling his W about the A to her being with someone who loves her and isn't in love with someone else. For all you know this may never happen for her if she finds out the truth and decides to leave M. She might end up alone for a long time and feeling worse than she does now.

 

Her H loves someone else but has decided and stuck to it to end the other R for good and commit to his W, whatever the reason. There is a good chance of their M recovering and the love being brought back into it as it once was, and then she will have that thing with the father of her children and they'll still be a family unit.

 

It's almost amusing when so many posters write things like that to a BS or OW - just get out of this R and find someone who'll love you, cherish you, move mountains for you, be single and wonderful - as if the A or M going through a difficult patch is in some kind of parallel universe and outside of it everything is a fairy tale, all you have to do is leave and you'll live happily ever after.

 

In reality, a R with a single man can be worse than an A and D post A can end up in more heartbreak than staying M, so there is no certainty that telling the W the truth will help her find happiness.

 

 

The two bolded segments show what I view as never letting the BS have a choice in their own lives. :sick:They didn't make the choice for the cheating to happen and they don't get to make the choice to stay with the person who cheated on them. IF the BS were to leave the marriage because she didn't want to be with her WS any longer and she left only to end up alone...it would be here choice right? When is a BS allowed to make their own decisions? Or is some unwritten rule that it only gets to happen when it won't throw a monkey wrench in the lives of the AP and WS?

 

 

Or is it possible that the real reason the BS is kept in the dark is because the WS is afraid that the BS won't want to stay with them? They will be rejected and lose their comfort zone? Maybe it is suspected that the BS isn't as thrilled with being with the WS either? Maybe a relationship with a single guy would be a bad thing. But it should be her right to decide if that is something she wants to pursue. OP did say he did think about another man being in his children's lives. But it appears he didn't give that same consideration to his wife wanting to see another woman in her children's life.

[BHMM]

Good question. Is he just living everyday thinking what a great dad he is and wishing he could be with the OW? Or is he doing his best to really give his kids a happy home? Which, IMO would be doing everything possible to create a happy marriage. Including being honest with his wife since he has made the choice to stay.

Well, right now it's very hard. I'm 11 weeks into NC and like I said, the last few weeks have actually been the hardest for some reason. I don't go around thinking I'm a great dad, I know what I did and the time I missed with my kids when I was mentally somewhere else throughout the A. I'm trying to be a better parent, like I think we all strive for. I'm trying to focus my energy and attention and affection back onto my W.

 

BHMM, does your wife know? and did you ever try to end it before? If you did, why did it not end then? 3 years seems like a long time.

She does not know, and I don't plan on telling her.

 

Yes, OW and/or I tried to end it several times. Then one of us would reinitiate contact. It felt impossible to stop.

 

I'm glad the OP started this thread. It does provide some insight on this issue. I don't mean to "call you out" or anything, but I'd like to point out that we have already gone from "I stayed for the kids" to "80% of the reason I stayed was the kids". If we keep honestly breaking it down, I bet we would end up at what... maybe 50% for the kids?

The 80% wasn't meant to imply a downward trend thant would end up at 50%; I was trying to give some detail on how my reasoning might be allocated into percentages (as weird as that sounds). Money, cultural differences, my own uncertainties about myself all factored in as well.

 

Like I said, I'm not trying to bust your balls man, and I understand that it's easier to sleep at night when you justify things as you are. The problem is that your mind still isn't in your marriage, where the kids are. It's not where you really want to be. I'm not a big fan of therapy, because I'm convinced that 80% of therapists are more screwed in the head than any of us are... but you need to do some deep thinking in this matter before you decide to just trudge along in a miserable marriage. I also thought that the failure of my marriage would hurt my kids so much and that I would miss so much of their lives, but you know what? After the ****ty marriage finally ended, the kids and I are much happier. I only have them 50% of the time, but our time together is 100% better than it was.

You're right that my mind isn't in my marriage, but I'm working on that.

 

I actually did see a few different therapists during the first half of the A and they all advised me to do what I did, end it and go back and focus on the M.

 

FYI, I haven't slept well in a long time, so none of this is helping.

 

I totally agree with the multiple posters who said, if you plan to stay in your M for your family, then for heaven sake, figure out how to "be" in your M. Otherwise it is completely unfair to your W and to your kids. And this is also coincidentally the reason you dumped the OW so prove your family is as important as you say.

Thanks, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.

 

BHMM, I haven't read the entire thread, just the beginning, and I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story and I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

I can totally understand that MM can feel this way and be genuine towards OW. I never thought most MM are cold-blooded liars ets as some like so much to portray them. Just humans with feelings, sometimes getting caught up in difficult situations.

 

I can also identify with not being able to leave children. I couldn't leave mine for a man and live with myself.

 

I wish you all the best and please keep posting.

Thanks for your post Ellin, I really appreciate it. Good luck to you as well.

[terrific]

This is the most therapeutic thread I have read since my start of NC. Thank-you.

[BHMM]

What happens if your other woman discloses to your wife that her marriage is a facade and that you are only still married because of the kids?

Believe me, I've thought of this, and I don't know the answer. I guess it would be up to my W to decide if she wanted to stay in the M at that point.

 

What happens when the kids no longer live at home?

Hopefully by then things will be repaired and the M will be good.

 

What about your other woman and her pain? How can you hurt your true love this way? How do you reconcile hurting both your wife and your other woman?

This kills me. I hate that I'm hurting her this way. And it's what makes NC so damn hard, is that reaching out to her to try to ease the pain will only cause more. I can't reconcile all the pain I've caused.

 

Will your kids be happier in a home where their father does not love their mother and is unfaithful or in two homes where their father's lack of love/unfaithfulness doesn't hurt their mother anymore?

I don't know. Maybe I should've taken a longer-term view of things, but the idea of putting them through the split and the D was too hard to handle.

 

As uncomfortable as it might be for you to watch another man share in raising your children, I'm sure it would be equally uncomfortable for your wife to share her husband with his true love. It is probably really uncomfortable for your true love to watch you try to reconcile a marriage with someone who is both uninformed and unloved by you.

I agree with all of this. It's bad all around, and I caused it, and I'm trying to fix what I can while I still can.

 

ETA: Sorry one more question. Does the BH in BHMM stand for betrayed husband? Was your wife unfaithful to you as well?

No.

 

I had assumed broken-hearted.

 

You got it, silktricks.