A MM's perspective

[Angel1111]

BHMM, surely you discount the millions of children who endure and overcome D daily across the planet? Are you saying that my children are any less blessed than yours because mine witnessed their parents' break-up?

 

How about the idea that my kids may be stronger than your kids in the future, having weathered tougher storms, and having witnessed two parents who practically hated each other who have compromized, talked things through, and are now good friends. My kids have seen true forgiveness and a willingness to shake hands and be friends for their sake, opening the door to new and wonderful opportunities. Who in your world has told you that D will ruin your children's minds, hearts, and souls? Why can't they be stronger BECAUSE of your D or in spite of it?

 

And the part BBM. Wow, just go on and live your mediocre life. Report back in five years and tell us you've finally found the magic with your BW. Maybe by then she'll still be pretty and shapely enough to find someone who is really worthy of her, if you finally come to your senses and let her go. That's 'just the way it is' because you are selfish. Your need to be the 'good guy, the good father' is more important to you than allowing another man to give your W the loving H she actually deserves...and is out there somewhere.

 

You know, I think most people with kids would prefer to keep their families intact instead of going through a divorce. It's just our nature. But it's true that kids can be very resilient and deal with it very well, especially when the parents can act civilized with one another after the divorce (this is the absolute key, in my opinion). In just about every year of my son's school year, at least one teacher would tell me that they were amazed that my son was from a divorced family because he was so happy and well-balanced. That always made me feel really good. He's like that today and never even went through the bad teen phase that so many people warned me about. If a single parent doesn't think they can raise a great human being, my son is living proof that it absolutely can be done. And not only that but the people in really bad marriages who think they're doing their kids a favor by staying and fighting with their spouse are typically going to be the ones who raise the kids who act out the most.

 

But, here's the deal, if my son's dad hadn't made me feel like I wanted to shoot myself just from being around him, I would've never left the marriage. The other thing is, there's no guarantee that you're going to walk away from that relationship and find something that's 'right' for you. I never did. Not that I regret at all leaving my son's dad because I don't - but my son's off in college now and I'm alone. I never anticipated that but it has happened, and that too makes me sad.

 

The thing is, I don't get the impression that BHMM has that many problems with his wife. I think it's more that he met someone that he really connected with and that is incredibly hard to walk away from. I think he's 'happy enough' in his marriage and, really, there's nothing wrong with being happy enough. We don't all have to be crazy in love and living with our soul mates. BHMM also knows that he will eventually work through his pain about the OW, and that ultimately he's where he needs to be. He knows himself well enough to know that he couldn't overcome the guilt that he would feel from leaving, or deal with putting his children through that when the reasons aren't really strong enough, or justifiable enough.

 

But I agree with you that people shouldn't be miserable and that their very happiness shouldn't completely hinge on their children. If a marriage is bad, then a person needs to leave. If it mostly works, then I say stay.

[desertIslandCactus]

Herenow it is so refreshing to see that BWs also think in this fashion, and want a H's sincere love or no love at all. I would call BHMM's love an altruistic one and I would reject it no matter if I were the W or OW.

 

I've seen you post this before, and it just doesn't gel. I wish it did make sense, but it just doesn't. Think of the millions of As going on in the world right now all of which are conducted away from the eyes of the innocent (children). It only seems that D presents the truth to those innocent eyes in MM's view, but not the illicit A.

 

 

But it happens every single day...and it always will.

 

(((Confused4Now))). I never disclosed for fear of the same reason, not that he asked. If he asked me today (we're friends now) I still wouldn't tell him.

HN, kids are busy with school, with sports, with sleepovers. Time spent with OW is usually the time his kids are busy doing other activities. Again, every day around the world.

 

 

 

BHMM, surely you discount the millions of children who endure and overcome D daily across the planet? Are you saying that my children are any less blessed than yours because mine witnessed their parents' break-up?

 

How about the idea that my kids may be stronger than your kids in the future, having weathered tougher storms, and having witnessed two parents who practically hated each other who have compromized, talked things through, and are now good friends. My kids have seen true forgiveness and a willingness to shake hands and be friends for their sake, opening the door to new and wonderful opportunities. Who in your world has told you that D will ruin your children's minds, hearts, and souls? Why can't they be stronger BECAUSE of your D or in spite of it?

 

And the part BBM. Wow, just go on and live your mediocre life. Report back in five years and tell us you've finally found the magic with your BW. Maybe by then she'll still be pretty and shapely enough to find someone who is really worthy of her, if you finally come to your senses and let her go. That's 'just the way it is' because you are selfish. Your need to be the 'good guy, the good father' is more important to you than allowing another man to give your W the loving H she actually deserves...and is out there somewhere.

 

I have seen posts by OWs on LS minimizing the relationship between the wife and her husband - but this goes beyond that.

 

For the OW in these threads to think of themselves as the rescuer of these men is one thing, but to minimize and discount the Value of the family unit, is quite another.

 

Please don't feel that the children of broken homes adapt without carrying feelings of hurt and rejection through life.

 

Even with the pompous term of 'blending' the adjustment that these children go through, follow them into other relationships in life.

 

A worldly child isn't necessarily stronger - just broken.

[SouthernLady]

Hello! To BHMM I just wanted to say I am so glad to see a MM's point of view. I have been involved in an affair for 8 years now. I do believe he loves me and even though he has no kids, I certainly understand why he wouldn't throw away all he has worked for and disrupt numerous relationships among his family and friends for one relationship with me.

 

I so glad you are posting because the main aspect I have a hard time reconciling is knowing how much my MM really loved me and always wondering if he really cared. He finally got caught on the phone and she actually heard one of our conversations and saw a few pictures. Prior to this I was usually the one to initiate NC. So of course it is him this time and so abrupt in comparison to the other times, so final.

 

I keep longing for contact, but like you said it only brings more pain. I just want to know he really loved me and that he won't forget me and that he will never get to a place of hatred for me. Like many of you I wish I had never met the OP. I also hope he becomes happy. Knowing that contact would only bring negativity into his life keeps me motivated to maintain NC. I never wanted to ruin his marriage or expected him to leave. I just have a hard time knowing i will never talk to him again or really have closure. I suppose I don't deserve closure.

 

BHMM, please keep posting we need your perspective.

[Angel1111]

I have seen posts by OWs on LS minimizing the relationship between the wife and her husband - but this goes beyond that.

 

For the OW in these threads to think of themselves as the rescuer of these men is one thing, but to minimize and discount the Value of the family unit, is quite another.

 

Please don't feel that the children of broken homes adapt without carrying feelings of hurt and rejection through life.

 

Even with the pompous term of 'blending' the adjustment that these children go through, follow them into other relationships in life.

 

A worldly child isn't necessarily stronger - just broken.

 

While I'm a strong advocate of the family unit and usually tell people to stick around in a marriage that is mostly working, that doesn't mean that there's a formula that works in all cases. And children from divorced parents don't always feel broken. My son would object to that comment in a big way. But that's because his father is controlling and impossible to reason with, so he was glad to be away from that. And in those cases, divorce is the best option. If I had stayed in my marriage, I would've died - either literally or figuratively. I'm not sure how my son would've handled it. I don't want to know.

 

I'm not sure it's fair to judge people for their choices or to make such blanket statements. Until we walk in their shoes, then we really can't know why they feel compelled to do what they do, why they're either happy or unhappy. Everyone has their own level of tolerance. What you're saying is one of the reasons why so many people stay in bad marriages that destroy kids in worse ways than divorce ever would.

[desertIslandCactus]

While I'm a strong advocate of the family unit and usually tell people to stick around in a marriage that is mostly working, that doesn't mean that there's a formula that works in all cases. And children from divorced parents don't always feel broken. My son would object to that comment in a big way. But that's because his father is controlling and impossible to reason with, so he was glad to be away from that. And in those cases, divorce is the best option. If I had stayed in my marriage, I would've died - either literally or figuratively. I'm not sure how my son would've handled it. I don't want to know.

 

I'm not sure it's fair to judge people for their choices or to make such blanket statements. Until we walk in their shoes, then we really can't know why they feel compelled to do what they do, why they're either happy or unhappy. Everyone has their own level of tolerance. What you're saying is one of the reasons why so many people stay in bad marriages that destroy kids in worse ways than divorce ever would.

 

 

I stand by my statement when it comes to an OW minimizing the family unt to fit her needs.

[White Flower]

I have seen posts by OWs on LS minimizing the relationship between the wife and her husband - but this goes beyond that.

 

For the OW in these threads to think of themselves as the rescuer of these men is one thing, but to minimize and discount the Value of the family unit, is quite another.

 

Please don't feel that the children of broken homes adapt without carrying feelings of hurt and rejection through life.

 

Even with the pompous term of 'blending' the adjustment that these children go through, follow them into other relationships in life.

 

A worldly child isn't necessarily stronger - just broken.

Let me get this straight so that I am not misinterpreting what you are saying.

 

You think I am not only minimizing the R between a H and a W but going beyond that??? When did I ever minimize this poster's R with his W??? Can you please point that out?

 

Discounting the family value and rescuing the MM? Pullease! I don't believe what I am reading. Surely you mis-stated what you meant? I have no intention of devaluing any family and I am certainly not rescuing anyone here. You are reading your own ideas into my posts.

 

Hey, I know hundreds of people who came from broken homes. Those people don't have any more pain than I do and I don't come from a broken home. We all hurt, we all heal. Period.

 

Your last two statements are off the charts. Please go back and re-read them. I'll let you make sense of them on your own.

 

Nevermind, I think that might be too much to take on so I'll do it. Since when is 'blending', which I never said btw, is pompous? Who decided that? You?

 

And I never said a child who overcomes D is worldly and even then I disagree that a 'worldly' child is broken.

 

I'm quite concerned here. I get the feeling that if we all just keep our families together at the expense of <fill in the blanks> we're just coddling our children, then dumping them out into the real world with no real experience on how to handle anything on their own. What happens when the coddling parents die? How do these children take care of themselves?

 

I understand having familial support, guidance, and nurturing but there is no hard evidence stating that children of divorce do any worse than children who are not of divorce. In fact, some of us know our childhoods would have been happier had our parents divorced.

 

And had I not been an OW and made the same statement, would you have claimed I was rescuing a MM and demoralizing family values? Because my stance would have been exactly the same were I still M and never been an OW.

[SouthernLady]

Stating that BHMM did not defend his love for the OW is ridiculous. I have lurked on this forum for over three years as well and personally find reading the post more helpful than joining in on much of the dramatic exchanges that take place on these forums.

[White Flower]

I'm not sure it's fair to judge people for their choices or to make such blanket statements. Until we walk in their shoes, then we really can't know why they feel compelled to do what they do, why they're either happy or unhappy. Everyone has their own level of tolerance. What you're saying is one of the reasons why so many people stay in bad marriages that destroy kids in worse ways than divorce ever would.

This is exactly why my MM stays, I'm sure. He tolerates much and actually enjoys a few things, but overall he is tolerating his life. He has told me that she isn't mean, cruel, or very argumentative. She is rather nice but he just sees her as a sister. It is very hard to be intimate with someone who is like a sister, yet very difficult to leave someone you genuinely enjoy like a sister.

 

He has asked his IC if intimacy can ever be obtained this late in life if it was never there before. She said no, of course.

 

He's a great pretender. I've seen him tell jokes with tears in his eyes, it's just the way he deals with things. He could very well make himself happy in that situation but never experience true joy again. Joy will always be missing from his life if he stays put.

 

BHMM, I sincerely hope you can find deep intimacy and true joy with your W. If not, let her go and find that with someone else and you should find it too. Life is just too short to be just tolerating it.

 

Best of luck.

[White Flower]

I understand having familial support, guidance, and nurturing but there is no hard evidence stating that children of divorce do any worse than children who are not of divorce. In fact, some of us know our childhoods would have been happier had our parents divorced.

I meant to add that familial support, guidance, and nurturing can also come from single parent homes as well as blended family homes. To say that children get the best of those gifts from natural parents only is just ridiculous.

[Myowntwofeet]

And so it goes, the reason why we see so little of any married affair person's sharing their experiences.

 

I can't possibly quote or bring up all that I have read here, as I am late to the party but I am amazed at some peoples opinions.

 

But I do have a couple questions

 

1st thing that stood out - BHMM said he has been to several councilors and they have all told him to dump the OW and work on the Marriage. Very interesting as they are "IC?" counselors?? The reason this stood out was because my XMM is also in IC and also got the same response from his Councilor adding that his councilor admits that directing him to NC was a blanket approach. In all seriousness is no one concerned that Councilors who are suppose to get to the root are pushing societal values - and apparently my MM is not the only one experiencing it. That counsilors are using 'blanket' opinons/approaches or more concerning - placing their opinions/beliefs on their patients.

 

But most important

 

BHMM

 

How would you feel if your children lived your life? I am DEAD serious. How you feel if you found out in 20 years that your son or daughter was with their partner because of the kids? Do you not want better for them? This is where cycles are created, imo.

 

Do you believe your son or daughter deserves to have a 'so-so' marriage. What if instead of it being them that was unhappy, it was their spouse that was going out of the marriage - but giving what they 'could' to your child?

 

Is that enough for your children. There is no question, we learn what we live and ironically that often comes even when no one speaks it - We as humans understand connections, as we get older we experience ourselves and we begin to see the hidden cracks in our peers relationships.

 

20 Years from now are you prepared for your children to live your life - there is a very good chance they will.

[Confused4Now]

How would you feel if your children lived your life? I am DEAD serious. How you feel if you found out in 20 years that your son or daughter was with their partner because of the kids? Do you not want better for them? This is where cycles are created, imo.

 

Do you believe your son or daughter deserves to have a 'so-so' marriage. What if instead of it being them that was unhappy, it was their spouse that was going out of the marriage - but giving what they 'could' to your child?

 

Is that enough for your children. There is no question, we learn what we live and ironically that often comes even when no one speaks it - We as humans understand connections, as we get older we experience ourselves and we begin to see the hidden cracks in our peers relationships.

 

20 Years from now are you prepared for your children to live your life - there is a very good chance they will.

OMG I have often used this analogy....This I believe to be so TRUE...wow!!! GREAT POST!!!

[BHMM]

If it hasn't already been asked, how do you live with that feeling of mourning every day, especially facing your W each day? I'm going through a similar experience, and wonder what my MM is thinking, and how he is coping without me.

It's really hard. I'm trying to reconnect with my W and just show more affection. Some days I feel like a zombie going through the motions of life, but I always try to take a little extra time to enjoy my kids. Some days are a little easier than others, but the time I spend alone each day is the hardest. That's when the thoughts of OW really come flooding in. I guess that's why people say to keep busy after a break-up.

 

As you sound truly committed to working on your marriage, not contacting your OW is so important not just for your healing but for her as well. Ive been out of the A for 3 years and the toing and froing was a big problem for far too long and even tho that seems to have stopped I am constantly on guard waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its takes away from the good memories and drags out the pain of ending it.

 

I hope you are able to rebuild your relationship with your wife.

Thanks for this jj33, I need to hear this to stay strong when I feel tempted to contact her. Thanks too for the well wishes.

 

Hello and welcome BHMM and thanks for agreeing to give honest answers.

 

Did you answer WWIU's question - I haven't finished reading yet?

No sex happening for a while.

 

Also I have some more question I hope you will answer.

 

1. Were you completely honest with your OW about your sex/intimate life with your wife? Did this extend to details and private conversations?

Yes, completely.

 

2. What is it you still like/love about your wife?

Our history, how well we get along, she's just a great person and a great mother,

 

3. What do/did you enjoy doing with your wife?

Not a lot of "things in common" as far as activities go; we've always been like that though, we have a lot of different interests.

 

4. You say you are trying to rebuild your marriage so are you now making an effort to do these again with your wife or are you still focusing on your OW.

Yes, I am trying to redirect that energy from the A back into my M. It's been hard lately but I feel like I am making progress. At least I'm around more so there's more chance for us to talk & interact.

 

5. How does your wife feel now about you and your marriage?

I think better, since I seem more attentive and present.

 

6. Does your wife know or suspect your infidelity - if not what do/did you do to ensure she never suspected or found out?

She's not stupid, I'm sure she's noticed the change in me and us over the past few years. I don't know how much she suspected, but if she did she kept it to herself.

What did I do to ensure she didn't find out? Lied a lot.

 

Thank-you for posting BHHM, my situation is similar, and it is helpful to read another perspective.

Sure thing, I'm glad my posts are helping someone else.

 

Thanks for the reply. What made you marry your wife? I just wanted you to know that your wife is a woman just like your OW. She has needs too. If you can't love her, you have to let her go.

I was in love with her, but I did have doubts (about myself) before we got married.

 

I wish both MM the best, in their coping.

Thank you.

 

i am scratching my head at this; how is your family to know of the sacrifice if you do not tell them? you are hoping your ending of the affair makes them happy for the sacrifice you made? do you not find that kinda hypocritical?

Sacrifice doesn't have to be public knowledge for it to be real. I don't expect them to know of it, that's the whole point.

 

i agree with this; especially the bolded part. how do you reconcile with hurting her and 'stringing her along' the way you have?

I haven't reconciled with this. It kills me that I'm hurting her like this, and that she wasted all this time on me. I don't feel like I strung her along, because that was never my intention. I loved her and wanted to be with her. But call it what you want.

 

I would also like to ask would it matter now if your wife started her own affair?

Honestly, the way I feel now, I don't know if I'd care, other than worrying about how it would affect the kids. Part of that is probably guilt and me feeling like I deserve it, I've neglected our M for so long, and turnabout is fair play. And maybe part of me thinks, if she had an A, then the M would be over, and it would be a way out? Sad I know.

[Silly_Girl]

Add me to that list. Reads like a OW masquerading about as a MM, telling the group what they want to hear.

 

Around da hood, a dude saying "love deeply" might get beetch-slapped. Nothin but a thang, but I hate seeing people be bamboozled.

 

You need to widen your horizons my dear. Meet men who not only have feelings, but can also articulate them. Maybe steer clear of the knuckle-draggers for a while

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm sure that your OP DOES reflect your perspective.

 

And because neither your W nor your OW call you on your own BS.

 

You are where you are because that's where you want to be.

 

So stop the boo-hooing-you are where you want to be so own it.

 

Don't blame it on anyone else but yourself. You alone can make a change. For the good or for the worse, it's your choice.

 

So-so sounds like your life motto. I personally think your OW is lucky she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. No one wants so-so when they can have superior.

 

GEL

[Angel1111]

This is exactly why my MM stays, I'm sure. He tolerates much and actually enjoys a few things, but overall he is tolerating his life. He has told me that she isn't mean, cruel, or very argumentative. She is rather nice but he just sees her as a sister. It is very hard to be intimate with someone who is like a sister, yet very difficult to leave someone you genuinely enjoy like a sister.

 

He has asked his IC if intimacy can ever be obtained this late in life if it was never there before. She said no, of course.

 

He's a great pretender. I've seen him tell jokes with tears in his eyes, it's just the way he deals with things. He could very well make himself happy in that situation but never experience true joy again. Joy will always be missing from his life if he stays put.

 

BHMM, I sincerely hope you can find deep intimacy and true joy with your W. If not, let her go and find that with someone else and you should find it too. Life is just too short to be just tolerating it.

 

Best of luck.

 

I think your xMM must be my xMM. haha. He acts like nothing's bugging him, that's he's the consummate family man, and Mr Happy-Go-Lucky. I don't know for certain what his marriage is like and at this point I really don't care. He stayed - I'm sure he's fine with his choice. The thing is, whenever a person has too much guilt about leaving or they're too hesitant, then they should either rmake peace with that first, or not leave at all.

[Silly_Girl]

I have seen posts by OWs on LS minimizing the relationship between the wife and her husband - but this goes beyond that.

 

For the OW in these threads to think of themselves as the rescuer of these men is one thing, but to minimize and discount the Value of the family unit, is quite another.

 

Please don't feel that the children of broken homes adapt without carrying feelings of hurt and rejection through life.

 

Even with the pompous term of 'blending' the adjustment that these children go through, follow them into other relationships in life.

 

A worldly child isn't necessarily stronger - just broken.

 

I utterly resent this generalisation. My son saw his parents split at the age of 4. Not something I undertook lightly. But the overall picture would have been worse. His parents were like siblings. Not so bad, you'd think? There was warmth and care and commitment... But there was no positive husband/wife role models, and some conflict had started to creep in. Things were heading one way.

 

I have worked so bloody hard to minimise the impact on my son, and undergone much personal humiliation to ensure he sees a good co-parental relationship. Indeed, my ex and I just spent a good deal of time together, with our lad, as he's been in hospital unexpectedly. All was well, good in fact.

 

My son was regularly asked at primary school to mentor children whose parents were splitting up, as he was so well-adjusted and had a good view on the pros and cons. a child is not automatically 'broken'' because their parents don't share a postcode any more. I do know, however, life would be pretty damn tough for him now had his dad and I pushed onward together for his sake. And once he'd flown the nest we'd have been off like a shot!

[Confused4Now]

So-so sounds like your life motto. I personally think your OW is lucky she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. No one wants so-so when they can have superior.

 

GEL

I'll say this...if I ever find a woman like GEL I will feel like I won the lottery...Your posts are always spot on with my opinions....good one again!!!

[terrific]

Is this the longest you have been apart? I am curious if the OW ever attempted to have a relationship with a single person...and if that would have been enough for you to let her go and move on. Do you worry that she will contact you after the work you are putting into your marriage?

[BHMM]

Thank you for starting your own thread. This is taking a lot of guts and you are getting the rapid fire on all sides.

 

I mean my questions in the most honest straight forward way I can make them. I do not have an agenda, nor do I wish to make you feel bad. I simply want to get inside your brain and figure out this way of thinking because this is truly my worst nightmare.

Sure thing, thanks for the response. I'll do my best with your questions....

 

1 - Do you still desire your wife? Not really. Have sex regularly? No. Before (yes), during (not really), after the affair (no, not for a while)? Was this a problem area before the A? No.

 

2 - Do you think it is fair to deny your wife the possible love and connection you have with your OW by staying married to her?

Do I think it's fair? I don't really know. I guess it isn't. But I think she'd rather have a stable decently happy family that stays together.

 

3 - Do you think your wife would use your kids against you in a divorce if you did try and seperate? No, unless she found out about the A and went ballistic (unlike her, but who knows). Have you ever talked about what would happen if you seperated? Yes, well we tried to, she just cried a lot.

 

 

4 - How often do you fight with your wife in front of the kids or even where the kids could see the tension? Rarely if ever.

 

5 - Do the kids see a good model for relationships between you two or do they see basically roommates who just happen to be spouses?

I think they see us at our best in front of them.

 

6 - Has the guilt physically affected you? Do you actually feel guilty? And if you feel guilty who do you feel guiltiest about wife or OW for how you treated them?

Yes, absolutely it has. I've been the unhealthiest I've ever been as an adult over the past 3+ years. My very mild, very occasional depression-like symptoms evolved into suicidal thoughts on several different occasions. I haven't slept well, or even normally, since the A started, and it's worse now.

I feel incredibly guilty about the A, I'd say equally for both W and OW.

 

7 - If you could go back, would you prevent the affair? Or is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all?

The million-dollar question... I'm going with Tennyson. What OW and I had was too good.

 

I feel bad for you, your wife, and your OW. I made the comment about treating this breakup as a death. You can't act like a normal break up, still able to sometimes see each other, because it wasn't a breakup for typical reasons as you both still want and love each other. Because of that, it is a death. It is hard however to truly moarn another person while married. And I have no advice for that. I feel though that the more you attempt to deny something - such as your love for OW - the more it is reinforced because you focus on it when trying to push it from your mind. Its like its against human nature to be able to ignore something we want. Which is very frustrating.

 

I wish you luck, no matter how it ends.

Thanks again, really good stuff.

[Silly_Girl]

I think your xMM must be my xMM.

Then he had 3 on the go because WF's guy seems to be my guy, or his big and similarly emotionally-challenged big brother

[pureinheart]

Hi BHMM,

 

Wow, what a thread...your a gem BTW and your W and OW are/were lucky to have you.

 

Personally, I 'm glad your going to try to work on your M and are not going to tell her about the A...this is not popular opinion, although I never go with popular opinion anyway:D.

 

I don't believe there is any point in telling her, it will only taint the chances of your M working, and really if your M works then the A will be for real over anyway.

[awkward]

Believe me, I've thought of this, and I don't know the answer. I guess it would be up to my W to decide if she wanted to stay in the M at that point.

 

I'm glad that you don't plan on gaslighting her if there is a d-day. If all the cards are on the table, maybe your wife too will sacrifice her happiness and stay for the children. Honestly though I don't know too many women that would be able to stay with a man who doesn't love them and doesn't respect their marriage so I can see why you are still trying to keep the affair hidden.

 

 

Hopefully by then things will be repaired and the M will be good.

 

It is possible that you could fall in love with your wife again. You could grow old together. But how does this work with this dishonesty between you? Wouldn't this betrayal become an even bigger burden if you actually did love your wife again?

 

This kills me. I hate that I'm hurting her this way. And it's what makes NC so damn hard, is that reaching out to her to try to ease the pain will only cause more. I can't reconcile all the pain I've caused.

 

How can you be sure that you won't engage in the affair again? Did your other woman believe that you would divorce your wife and be with her? If the other woman fell in love and became engaged, would you be happy for her?

 

 

I don't know. Maybe I should've taken a longer-term view of things, but the idea of putting them through the split and the D was too hard to handle.

 

Fast forward 20 years and imagine your daughter (hypothetical daughter) married to a man that walked your path. Would you respect your son-in-law for sacrificing his own happinesss? Would you advise your daughter to stay with her husband knowing he doesn't love her nor respect the marriage for the sake of your grandchildren?

 

There is still time to look at how you would like your future, your wife's future, and your children's future to look like.

 

If you had one year to live, how would you live it?

[BB07]

I know it's a bit of a t/j, but I don't think I've ever saw a thread grow this fast or have so many comments so quickly.

 

I wonder if this reflects how desperate some OW are for confirmation of what they suspect but don't know from their MM. Perhaps we should take what BHMM says as his truth, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's every MM's truth, it's just his. It's nice to get the workings and thoughts of a mm, but to assume that he speaks for most isn't really fair.

 

Just food for thought and it's sad, me thinks.

[Silly_Girl]

I know it's a bit of a t/j, but I don't think I've ever saw a thread grow this fast or have so many comments so quickly.

 

I wonder if this reflects how desperate some OW are for confirmation of what they suspect but don't know from their MM. Perhaps we should take what BHMM says as his truth, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's every MM's truth, it's just his. It's nice to get the workings and thoughts of a mm, but to assume that he speaks for most isn't really fair.

 

Just food for thought and it's sad, me thinks.

 

BHMM can certainly be commended for his candour and his willingness to engage with possibly not the easiest audience of his life!!

 

Also would like to point out that 99% of the feedback comes from a very good place and is because those replying really would like to see the best outcome for all parties, regardless of whether that correlates with the OP's thoughts and plans, or not.

[Fallen Angel]

I know it's a bit of a t/j, but I don't think I've ever saw a thread grow this fast or have so many comments so quickly.

 

I wonder if this reflects how desperate some OW are for confirmation of what they suspect but don't know from their MM. Perhaps we should take what BHMM says as his truth, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's every MM's truth, it's just his. It's nice to get the workings and thoughts of a mm, but to assume that he speaks for most isn't really fair.

 

Just food for thought and it's sad, me thinks.

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that he speaks for all or even most MM.

 

Simply that his truth, as you say, is so different from the "he never loved you. He is happily moving on with his life without you. He is moving on to his next OW because you were just a sextoy." bullsh**e truth that so many OW are told here, that it is refreshing to know that some OW may now be able to take solace in the fact that quite possibly the love she was so sure of during her relationship was in fact, a real love that was and is still felt by her MM. I think it will be healing for many OW who have been suffering much pain due to being told they never meant anything.

 

He speaks only for himself, but he proves that the "this is how it is everytime" people are wrong. Sometimes the OW is loved and respected and cherished, even if the MM makes the decision to maintain the maritial relationship.