A MM's perspective

[BHMM]

I believe you can love them both. Not the same kind of love, but I think you can. Not that I am advocating polygamy, but in history and other cultures, there are lots of examples of men with multiple wives, was there no love in any of those relationships? I think our minds are capable of a lot of things, it is how we compartmentalize that affects us.

I agree with this. I did love them both, but scales definitely tipped way over to OW as the A went on and feelings deepened.

 

Hopefully in time, his love for his wife will grow and the longing for the other woman will lessen. It does not mean he will forget her, but she may be over there in his mind. I just think we love who we love and once we are there, it is really hard to stop and go back, feelings don't stop on a dime.

I'm hoping for this too. I know I won't ever forget OW, and will probably never stop loving her. But somehow I have to let her go, and hopefully it will get easier with time. I can't believe it's been almost 3 months already since we last had contact. In June I kept telling myself I'd be fine by the end of August. Now I'm telling myself, just get to the end of the year and you'll be fine. God, I hope so.

 

This is the most therapeutic thread I have read since my start of NC. Thank-you.

Thanks terrific, really glad you're getting something out of it. It feels good for me to get a lot of this out too and answer these questions, since I have no one to talk to about any of this. (I wish OW had a shoulder to cry on too. )

 

The thing is, I don't get the impression that BHMM has that many problems with his wife. I think it's more that he met someone that he really connected with and that is incredibly hard to walk away from. I think he's 'happy enough' in his marriage and, really, there's nothing wrong with being happy enough. We don't all have to be crazy in love and living with our soul mates. BHMM also knows that he will eventually work through his pain about the OW, and that ultimately he's where he needs to be. He knows himself well enough to know that he couldn't overcome the guilt that he would feel from leaving, or deal with putting his children through that when the reasons aren't really strong enough, or justifiable enough.

 

But I agree with you that people shouldn't be miserable and that their very happiness shouldn't completely hinge on their children. If a marriage is bad, then a person needs to leave. If it mostly works, then I say stay.

I cut off some of your post but that whole response was great. The part I quoted says it better than I could have myself. This was exactly it, the M wasn't bad enough to leave, but unfortunately I met OW and we fell in love and it became an internal battle to try to justify my leaving when things weren't even close to intolerable at home.

 

I was going to edit my post, but now I can't.

HBMM, there was an article posted recently about what the MM really thinks of the OW. It was scathing. Hatefull. That would have been the perfect time to say something. Why didn't you defend the deep love for your OW then?

I didn't see the article you're talking about. I just registered to post yesterday.

 

Hello! To BHMM I just wanted to say I am so glad to see a MM's point of view. I have been involved in an affair for 8 years now. I do believe he loves me and even though he has no kids, I certainly understand why he wouldn't throw away all he has worked for and disrupt numerous relationships among his family and friends for one relationship with me.

 

I so glad you are posting because the main aspect I have a hard time reconciling is knowing how much my MM really loved me and always wondering if he really cared. He finally got caught on the phone and she actually heard one of our conversations and saw a few pictures. Prior to this I was usually the one to initiate NC. So of course it is him this time and so abrupt in comparison to the other times, so final.

 

I keep longing for contact, but like you said it only brings more pain. I just want to know he really loved me and that he won't forget me and that he will never get to a place of hatred for me. Like many of you I wish I had never met the OP. I also hope he becomes happy. Knowing that contact would only bring negativity into his life keeps me motivated to maintain NC. I never wanted to ruin his marriage or expected him to leave. I just have a hard time knowing i will never talk to him again or really have closure. I suppose I don't deserve closure.

 

BHMM, please keep posting we need your perspective.

Thanks SL, I appreciate your comments. I hope you can stay strong and get through your tough times, and I wish you the best.

[SidLyon]

It's really hard. I'm trying to reconnect with my W and just show more affection. Some days I feel like a zombie going through the motions of life, but I always try to take a little extra time to enjoy my kids. Some days are a little easier than others, but the time I spend alone each day is the hardest. That's when the thoughts of OW really come flooding in. I guess that's why people say to keep busy after a break-up.

 

 

Thanks for this jj33, I need to hear this to stay strong when I feel tempted to contact her. Thanks too for the well wishes.

 

 

No sex happening for a while.

 

 

 

 

Sure thing, I'm glad my posts are helping someone else.

 

 

I was in love with her, but I did have doubts (about myself) before we got married.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

Sacrifice doesn't have to be public knowledge for it to be real. I don't expect them to know of it, that's the whole point.

 

 

I haven't reconciled with this. It kills me that I'm hurting her like this, and that she wasted all this time on me. I don't feel like I strung her along, because that was never my intention. I loved her and wanted to be with her. But call it what you want.

 

 

Honestly, the way I feel now, I don't know if I'd care, other than worrying about how it would affect the kids. Part of that is probably guilt and me feeling like I deserve it, I've neglected our M for so long, and turnabout is fair play. And maybe part of me thinks, if she had an A, then the M would be over, and it would be a way out? Sad I know.[/QUOTE]

 

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

My observation is that your posts about your OW and your feelings for her are waxing lyrical whereas most of your posts about your marriage, your wife and your relationship with her are terse to the point of hostility towards her and anyone who asks about her. If I, a virtual stranger can detect this then no doubt others who know you better in real life (including your OW and kids) can detect that too.

 

I must say I'm tending towards the belief (like some other posters) that you are not a genuine MM. If you are not genuine (and we on LS will likely never know this) then consider that the people most likely to feel "betrayed" by your posts will actually be any OW that falsely believe you.

 

As a fBW I can say that what you write has no real power to hurt because we read this sort of stuff here every day. Usually filtered through an OW who has fallen for the lines in the MM scriptbook.

 

If you are genuine, then I make the following observations as well:

 

1. Your posts and responses are right out of the cheating MM scriptbook of responses that he gives to his OW.

 

2. I was going to ask some other questions for example whether you have led your wife to believe (or reassured your wife) that you love her and only her, and whether you have let on to your OW when/if you have done this; and also whether you lie to your children (even by omission) about your whereabouts and your commitment to their mother. I can already guess your answers to these question, so if they are out of the MM scriptbook, no need to answer.

 

3. For somebody who has been totally honest with your OW about your intimate/sex life with your wife you seem strangely reticent to share this with LS. You are trying to give the impression that there was zero sex with your wife without actually saying so. Is this the sort of honesty you showed to your OW too?

 

4. We don't want the gory details but obviously a major part of rebuilding a marriage is re-establishing intimacy/sex with your wife. If you're not even trying to do this (or don't want to) then you are setting yourself up to fail I think.

 

5. Just going through the motions in the vague hope that something will happen and your wife will end your marriage either because she has an affair herself or just because of the sheer emotional neglect on your part is no way to rebuild a marriage and establish a happy family for you both and your children. This sort of attitude is also straight out of the MM scriptbook.

 

Just my opinion but you are wasting your own time, and that of your wife and children.

 

If you have been reading LS for years then you will already know that I'm a fBW who is fairly successfully rebuilding/reconciling a marriage. if that's what you want to do (really?) you would be better off on the Infidelity Board asking how to go about it, rather than trying to reassure OWs that their MM really cared about them. You will also know about the article referenced recently too. The fact that you only registered your new ID yesterday is irrelevant as by your own account you have been reading for ages.

 

Just saying (shrug) - [to emulate someone else].

Edited August 31, 2010 by SidLyon

[BHMM]

Stating that BHMM did not defend his love for the OW is ridiculous. I have lurked on this forum for over three years as well and personally find reading the post more helpful than joining in on much of the dramatic exchanges that take place on these forums.

Honestly, I didn't see the article, and I doubt I would've posted anyway. I lurk but I mean scanning LS once or twice a week. I only registered to post yesterday because I had been thinking about this for a week, giving MM's point of view. I thought it might help me and maybe some others.

 

BHMM, I sincerely hope you can find deep intimacy and true joy with your W. If not, let her go and find that with someone else and you should find it too. Life is just too short to be just tolerating it.

 

Best of luck.

Thank you WF, I really appreciate it. Good luck to you in everything too.

 

1st thing that stood out - BHMM said he has been to several councilors and they have all told him to dump the OW and work on the Marriage. Very interesting as they are "IC?" counselors??

Yes, these were ICs. We haven't been to MC, and I don't know if we will, since I'm not willing to tell my W about the A, so I'm not sure going to MC and lying would have much of a point.

 

But most important

 

BHMM

 

How would you feel if your children lived your life? I am DEAD serious. How you feel if you found out in 20 years that your son or daughter was with their partner because of the kids? Do you not want better for them? This is where cycles are created, imo.

 

Do you believe your son or daughter deserves to have a 'so-so' marriage. What if instead of it being them that was unhappy, it was their spouse that was going out of the marriage - but giving what they 'could' to your child?

Of course I'd want better for them. I think pre-A I would've answered differently. Now, I'm not sure. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, least of all my adult kids. But I understand that in the real world a lot people have to do things they don't want to do for the sake of others. I don't think I could advise against someone sacrificing personal happiness to ensure a child's well-being.

 

I'm sure that your OP DOES reflect your perspective.

 

And because neither your W nor your OW call you on your own BS.

 

You are where you are because that's where you want to be.

 

So stop the boo-hooing-you are where you want to be so own it.

 

Don't blame it on anyone else but yourself. You alone can make a change. For the good or for the worse, it's your choice.

 

So-so sounds like your life motto. I personally think your OW is lucky she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. No one wants so-so when they can have superior.

 

GEL

I don't think I'm boo-hooing? I just posted my perspective, my thoughts and feelings (yep, I'm sad). I'm not soliciting advice, I'm not justifying my behavior, and I'm not trying to blame anyone else for my situation. And I am trying to make the change, which why I ended the A and am attempting to fix my M.

 

The so-so comment seems a little much. But maybe you're right, maybe the OW is better off without me. I hope she's doing better than I am.

 

Is this the longest you have been apart? I am curious if the OW ever attempted to have a relationship with a single person...and if that would have been enough for you to let her go and move on. Do you worry that she will contact you after the work you are putting into your marriage?

Yes, this is by far the longest we've gone without contact. No, she didn't try to date any time were seeing each other (even during breaks). That might have been enough for me to let her go; she was never really willing to let us go or end things until I did.

It's funny, for all the hoping I do for an email or a text from her, when I stop and think about how I'd feel, I have to step back and ask myself how I would respond to her at this point. Even though I miss her and love her as much as ever, I know the decision to end it was the right one. Breaking NC would just put us back where we were 4 months ago.

 

Hi BHMM,

 

Wow, what a thread...your a gem BTW and your W and OW are/were lucky to have you.

 

Personally, I 'm glad your going to try to work on your M and are not going to tell her about the A...this is not popular opinion, although I never go with popular opinion anyway:D.

 

I don't believe there is any point in telling her, it will only taint the chances of your M working, and really if your M works then the A will be for real over anyway.

Hi pureinheart,

Thanks for the kind words, that made my night.

 

I agree that there is no point in telling my W about the A. I'm just trying to put my head down and make the M better again. I know it's not a popular course of action with a lot of people here, but it's what I'm going to do.

[White Flower]

Then he had 3 on the go because WF's guy seems to be my guy, or his big and similarly emotionally-challenged big brother

Well Silly and Angel, ya know...my guy IS a serial cheater...one never knows. Let's just call him Our Guy. Tee hee.

[SidLyon]

I'm just trying to put my head down and make the M better again. I know it's not a popular course of action with a lot of people here, but it's what I'm going to do.

 

Actually it is a popular course of action as far as I'm concerned. Please, please tell us about all the positive things you are doing to achieve it - please. (I am quite serious).

 

Your answers to this sort of question will do a lot to convince other posters of your sincerity, and also give some hope to other BSs who are also trying to repair damaged marriages.

[BHMM]

It is possible that you could fall in love with your wife again. You could grow old together. But how does this work with this dishonesty between you? Wouldn't this betrayal become an even bigger burden if you actually did love your wife again?

Maybe it would, but I still have to try rebuilding.

 

How can you be sure that you won't engage in the affair again? Did your other woman believe that you would divorce your wife and be with her? If the other woman fell in love and became engaged, would you be happy for her?

I know it won't. It's over, that's all I can say.

We talked about D a lot. That was the plan, for me to move out and eventually get a D.

I would be happy for her. The selfish possessive part of me of course wants her to carry a torch for me forever, but I do want her to be happy and have her own family eventually. It's just hard to picture her really moving on and being with someone (so I try not to think about that)

 

Fast forward 20 years and imagine your daughter (hypothetical daughter) married to a man that walked your path. Would you respect your son-in-law for sacrificing his own happinesss? Would you advise your daughter to stay with her husband knowing he doesn't love her nor respect the marriage for the sake of your grandchildren?

I'm not sure what advice I'd give. I feel like parents sacrifice a lot for their kids happiness and well-being.

 

If you had one year to live, how would you live it?

Great question. Probably spend every minute I could with my family, and send OW a letter the week before my expiration date.

 

I know it's a bit of a t/j, but I don't think I've ever saw a thread grow this fast or have so many comments so quickly.

 

I wonder if this reflects how desperate some OW are for confirmation of what they suspect but don't know from their MM. Perhaps we should take what BHMM says as his truth, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's every MM's truth, it's just his. It's nice to get the workings and thoughts of a mm, but to assume that he speaks for most isn't really fair.

 

Just food for thought and it's sad, me thinks.

Yeah, this is definitely just me, a sample size of one. I disclaim any knowledge of any other MM's thoughts or feelings.

 

BHMM can certainly be commended for his candour and his willingness to engage with possibly not the easiest audience of his life!!

 

Also would like to point out that 99% of the feedback comes from a very good place and is because those replying really would like to see the best outcome for all parties, regardless of whether that correlates with the OP's thoughts and plans, or not.

Thanks S_G. I appreciate your comments and everyone's. Like I said, writing about this has been cathartic and somewhat therapeutic.

[White Flower]

Honestly, the way I feel now, I don't know if I'd care, other than worrying about how it would affect the kids. Part of that is probably guilt and me feeling like I deserve it, I've neglected our M for so long, and turnabout is fair play. And maybe part of me thinks, if she had an A, then the M would be over, and it would be a way out? Sad I know.[/QUOTE]

 

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

My observation is that your posts about your OW and your feelings for her are waxing lyrical whereas most of your posts about your marriage, your wife and your relationship with her are terse to the point of hostility towards her and anyone who asks about her. If I, a virtual stranger can detect this then no doubt others who know you better in real life (including your OW and kids) can detect that too.

 

I must say I'm tending towards the belief (like some other posters) that you are not a genuine MM. If you are not genuine (and we on LS will likely never know this) then consider that the people most likely to feel "betrayed" by your posts will actually be any OW that falsely believe you.

 

As a fBW I can say that what you write has no real power to hurt because we read this sort of stuff here every day. Usually filtered through an OW who has fallen for the lines in the MM scriptbook.

 

If you are genuine, then I make the following observations as well:

 

1. Your posts and responses are right out of the cheating MM scriptbook of responses that he gives to his OW.

 

2. I was going to ask some other questions for example whether you have led your wife to believe (or reassured your wife) that you love her and only her, and whether you have let on to your OW when/if you have done this; and also whether you lie to your children (even by omission) about your whereabouts and your commitment to their mother. I can already guess your answers to these question, so if they are out of the MM scriptbook, no need to answer.

 

3. For somebody who has been totally honest with your OW about your intimate/sex life with your wife you seem strangely reticent to share this with LS. You are trying to give the impression that there was zero sex with your wife without actually saying so. Is this the sort of honesty you showed to your OW too?

 

4. We don't want the gory details but obviously a major part of rebuilding a marriage is re-establishing intimacy/sex with your wife. If you're not even trying to do this (or don't want to) then you are setting yourself up to fail I think.

 

5. Just going through the motions in the vague hope that something will happen and your wife will end your marriage either because she has an affair herself or just because of the sheer emotional neglect on your part is no way to rebuild a marriage and establish a happy family for you both and your children. This sort of attitude is also straight out of the MM scriptbook.

 

Just my opinion but you are wasting your own time, and that of your wife and children.

 

If you have been reading LS for years then you will already know that I'm a fBW who is fairly successfully rebuilding/reconciling a marriage. if that's what you want to do (really?) you would be better off on the Infidelity Board asking how to go about it, rather than trying to reassure OWs that their MM really cared about them. You will also know about the article referenced recently too. The fact that you only registered your new ID yesterday is irrelevant as by your own account you have been reading for ages.

 

Just saying (shrug) - [to emulate someone else].

Syd I think it's only natural to question the validity of the OP simply because we rarely see MM post but do we really need to keep referring to an imaginary handbook?

 

Think about it, most MM don't talk to each other, compare notes, and follow a book of rules. They fall into this lifestyle, figure it out on their own and go with it. It may take years IF EVER before they admit their lifestyle to another soul, especially if they're serial cheaters, because they believe something is wrong with them as is often the case.

 

Yes, some 'rules' seem to be scripted because they fall in line with common sense. Of course he is going to say it's best to stay for the children, why? because that's the truth to most people. Of course he's going to stay for financial reasons...for the same reason, it happens to resonate with most people. Not a script, just most people's reality.

 

And that is why so many OP's put up with it. Can't argue with common sense.

 

BHMM, curious about waiting on the intimacy with your W. Does she initiate it? Does she inquire why you don't? Are you holding back because the loss of OW is still too great? My guess is that it's pretty rare that any man would hold off of sex if he can get it. Am I wrong?

[SidLyon]

Syd I think it's only natural to question the validity of the OP simply because we rarely see MM post but do we really need to keep referring to an imaginary handbook?

 

Think about it, most MM don't talk to each other, compare notes, and follow a book of rules. They fall into this lifestyle, figure it out on their own and go with it. It may take years IF EVER before they admit their lifestyle to another soul, especially if they're serial cheaters, because they believe something is wrong with them as is often the case.

 

Yes, some 'rules' seem to be scripted because they fall in line with common sense. Of course he is going to say it's best to stay for the children, why? because that's the truth to most people. Of course he's going to stay for financial reasons...for the same reason, it happens to resonate with most people. Not a script, just most people's reality.

 

And that is why so many OP's put up with it. Can't argue with common sense.

 

BHMM, curious about waiting on the intimacy with your W. Does she initiate it? Does she inquire why you don't? Are you holding back because the loss of OW is still too great? My guess is that it's pretty rare that any man would hold off of sex if he can get it. Am I wrong?

 

Actually it wasn't just the staying for the kids and financial aspects that come straight out of the script (imaginary I know). I won't give a long list because I'm fairly sure we all know what they are. More to the point BHMM already knows of this after years of reading LS.

 

Anyway I'm very interested in the way he writes of his wife, almost as if he doesn't know her well; has only learned superficial and mainly negative things about her from someone else. Also he doesn't seem to be able to put into words what exactly he's doing to repair his marriage (again almost as if he doesn't know for sure and is just speculating what such a person might be doing).

 

He is obviously an intelligent and literate person yet is unable to write convincingly about his life with his wife. Strange for someone who has decided to make his life with his wife.

[terrific]

Well BHMM, I could be BHMW. I feel for you. I love my husband, but I love another man as well, it is a different love, I can't explain it. I miss him terribly and like you I tell myself everyday that it will get better. I am sometimes overwhelmed with trying to do what I need to do in my marriage and moving the feelings for the other man aside both at the same time. Do I have a terrible marriage or rotten husband, no. He and I grew apart and things changed. I am staying because I am, and he does not know about the other. I don't really care to debate either of those issues, I have made those decisions. I guess what I feel when I read your posts is that I am seeing my feelings reflected in a man and this confirms to me that my OM (who is single) is struggling too. I let him go, he is trying to date, I want him to be happy. I will not contact him and like you, in my heart hope he contacts me and in my head know it is for the best if he does not. Like you I rarely sleep or eat and feel like I am functioning at slow speed during the day at best. I have better days than others. I have read a million things about reconnecting in your marriage and I am trying to work on that. I am hoping the feelings for my husband will tip the scale. Isn't it amazing how hard it is to put yourself out there in a forum knowing you will have so many people expressing their opinions and judging your situation!! I just remind myself that everyone has things in their own life that have allowed them to become the people that they are and that we are all entitled to think and feel the way we do, that's what makes us all individuals. Keep posting!

[whichwayisup]

I hate to bring this up, but I have to ask.

Have you been checked for STD's?

 

Originally Posted by stillafool

I would also like to ask would it matter now if your wife started her own affair?

 

Honestly, the way I feel now, I don't know if I'd care, other than worrying about how it would affect the kids. Part of that is probably guilt and me feeling like I deserve it, I've neglected our M for so long, and turnabout is fair play. And maybe part of me thinks, if she had an A, then the M would be over, and it would be a way out? Sad I know.

 

Seems like many MM wish their wives would cheat so they can use that to be the reason to leave and then go with their OW. You're not the first MM here posting that type of thinking/hoping.

 

You neglected your marriage, allowed another woman to get close to you, and put yourself in a situation where you knew eventually you'd have to choose.

 

You and your wife have communication issues. You say alot "I think my wife would feel this way" etc.. Or assume stuff about her reaction. You don't know what your wife thinks or feels because you are distant from her and not emotionally attached, not intimate with her anymore. That's very sad because it's possible she HAS noticed how miserable you are and is blaming herself. It's possible she suspects but thinks you would never cheat on her.

 

When was the last time you gave your wife flowers? Took her out to dinner? Gave her a massage? Just did something nice for her, to let her know that you do care and love her? Asked her if she is happy and if there are needs that she has that you aren't meeting?

 

As for the OW, what are you doing to (being proactive I mean) by trying to get over her? DO you allow yourself to think/fantasize about her? Re-live moments, remember stuff etc, Or do you stop those thoughts as they enter your head? And make yourself snap out of it, focus on your wife?

[whichwayisup]

Also, do you not think your wife hasn't noticed your moods? Your distance and detachment from her and the family life? And now all of a sudden you're "around" more and paying attention to the kids, being more involved?

 

Do you think she hasn't noticed that you can't sleep, that you're depressed and not yourself?

 

She isn't stupid. She knows you and knows something isn't right.

[Fallen Angel]

 

Anyway I'm very interested in the way he writes of his wife, almost as if he doesn't know her well; has only learned superficial and mainly negative things about her from someone else. Also he doesn't seem to be able to put into words what exactly he's doing to repair his marriage (again almost as if he doesn't know for sure and is just speculating what such a person might be doing).

 

He is obviously an intelligent and literate person yet is unable to write convincingly about his life with his wife. Strange for someone who has decided to make his life with his wife.

 

My God!! Could you possibly reach any harder for something that is not there?

 

I know that you want to believe that no MM ever loves his OW, but get over it, here is one. Your insinuations that he is an OW in disguise are insulting.

[whichwayisup]

My God!! Could you possibly reach any harder for something that is not there?

 

I know that you want to believe that no MM ever loves his OW, but get over it, here is one. Your insinuations that he is an OW in disguise are insulting.

Chill out. It's her opinion, just like everyone else's around here.. Noone is "right" and noone is "wrong". It just IS.

 

Can't people just focus on what the original poster says and posts about and not pick apart other people's thoughts and advice to him? All it does is create more arguing and pissing matches, makes the thread go off topic and eventually get shut down.

[turnstone]

BHMM, you don't seem terribly committed to your marriage, you seem a little lukewarm about trying to reconnect with your wife and you don't seem that you feel very strongly about making it work with her. Although I think that that's probably very normal, while you're feeling apathetic about the marriage and still looking wistfully over your shoulder at the OW, you may as well still be having an affair. Do you see what I mean?

 

What tangible steps are you taking to make the marriage work and rebuild your love and desire for your wife? Also, what steps are you taking to ensure that this scenario doesn't reoccur if you meet another woman to whom you have a connection with?

 

It feels to me that the only way a marriage can truly move forward after an affair is if the BS knows about it and there is nothing hidden. I need to dash now, but I'd really like to explore that more and get other's feelings about it.

[SidLyon]

My God!! Could you possibly reach any harder for something that is not there?

 

I know that you want to believe that no MM ever loves his OW, but get over it, here is one. Your insinuations that he is an OW in disguise are insulting.

 

For the record I don't think he is an OW in disguise and have not said so. Nor will you find a single post by me where I have ever suggested that MM do not love their OW. My own husband did love his OW, I have never doubted this.

 

I do however have a strong belief that BHMM is not what he seems.

 

Actually the tone of your post is insulting.

[BHMM]

Thank you for answering my questions.

 

My observation is that your posts about your OW and your feelings for her are waxing lyrical whereas most of your posts about your marriage, your wife and your relationship with her are terse to the point of hostility towards her and anyone who asks about her. If I, a virtual stranger can detect this then no doubt others who know you better in real life (including your OW and kids) can detect that too.

If my posts sound like that then they're reflective of my current state of mind. I'm having a really hard time lately dealing with NC and the end of the A. As someone suggested earlier and I agreed, my mind is not in my marriage. I don't know why this would be surprising. I'm in love with OW and miss her but am trying to start fixing things at home. Maybe in a month or two things will shift and my tone will be more W-positive.

 

I must say I'm tending towards the belief (like some other posters) that you are not a genuine MM. If you are not genuine (and we on LS will likely never know this) then consider that the people most likely to feel "betrayed" by your posts will actually be any OW that falsely believe you.

 

As a fBW I can say that what you write has no real power to hurt because we read this sort of stuff here every day. Usually filtered through an OW who has fallen for the lines in the MM scriptbook.

I'm not even sure what this last part means; I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

I don't really know how to respond to this, except to say that I'm really a MM and my story is completely real. If you choose not to believe me, I guess there's no way for me to prove my legitimacy (can anyone on here?). I registered to post to: a) get some of this stuff out, since I have no one to talk to about it, and the last few weeks of NC have somehow gotten worse; and, b) maybe help some other people who are struggling, including OWs who are suffering through post-break-up NC. (My idea to post my story really started from me thinking, what if OW found LS and is reading through these threads; what if I can communicate how much I love her and miss her without breaking NC?)

 

If you are genuine, then I make the following observations as well:

 

1. Your posts and responses are right out of the cheating MM scriptbook of responses that he gives to his OW.

Okay...?

 

2. I was going to ask some other questions for example whether you have led your wife to believe (or reassured your wife) that you love her and only her, and whether you have let on to your OW when/if you have done this; and also whether you lie to your children (even by omission) about your whereabouts and your commitment to their mother. I can already guess your answers to these question, so if they are out of the MM scriptbook, no need to answer.

I don't really understand the first part/question, but yes, I have lied to my kids many times.

 

3. For somebody who has been totally honest with your OW about your intimate/sex life with your wife you seem strangely reticent to share this with LS. You are trying to give the impression that there was zero sex with your wife without actually saying so. Is this the sort of honesty you showed to your OW too?

Again, I'm not sure what the question is here? Yes, sex with W dropped off to pretty much zero over the course of the A. I didn't know I was supposed to provide more detail. I guess I'm old-fashioned. You got the gist though.

 

4. We don't want the gory details but obviously a major part of rebuilding a marriage is re-establishing intimacy/sex with your wife. If you're not even trying to do this (or don't want to) then you are setting yourself up to fail I think.

I am trying to do this.

 

5. Just going through the motions in the vague hope that something will happen and your wife will end your marriage either because she has an affair herself or just because of the sheer emotional neglect on your part is no way to rebuild a marriage and establish a happy family for you both and your children. This sort of attitude is also straight out of the MM scriptbook.

Wait, what motions am I going through? I've said several times in this thread that I'm trying to focus the energy and attention that went into the A back into my M, and just spend more time reconnecting with my W. I don't know what you're talking about re: hoping my wife will end my M.

 

Just my opinion but you are wasting your own time, and that of your wife and children.

I disagree.

 

If you have been reading LS for years then you will already know that I'm a fBW who is fairly successfully rebuilding/reconciling a marriage. if that's what you want to do (really?) you would be better off on the Infidelity Board asking how to go about it, rather than trying to reassure OWs that their MM really cared about them. You will also know about the article referenced recently too. The fact that you only registered your new ID yesterday is irrelevant as by your own account you have been reading for ages.

Sorry, I don't know who you are, and I don't know what article you're talking about (can someone link it for me so I can get the reference?). Yes I have lurked for years, but that's about 1-2 visits per week to read bits of a few threads, not hours per day.

 

I'm not here asking for advice on how to reconcile my M. I had some thoughts I wanted to get out and I thought this thread fit here. Feel free to request it to have it moved if you want.

[BHMM]

Actually it is a popular course of action as far as I'm concerned. Please, please tell us about all the positive things you are doing to achieve it - please. (I am quite serious).

 

Your answers to this sort of question will do a lot to convince other posters of your sincerity, and also give some hope to other BSs who are also trying to repair damaged marriages.

I'm refocusing the energy and attention I put into the A back into my M and my W. Now that I'm around all the time and not sneaking off, I'm here more, so there's more hangout time with my W, which is helping things progress, just spending that much more time together. I'm also reading articles on the Marriage Builders website.

 

I hope these answers prove satisfactory in proving that I exist.

[anne1707]

I know it's a bit of a t/j, but I don't think I've ever saw a thread grow this fast or have so many comments so quickly.

 

I wonder if this reflects how desperate some OW are for confirmation of what they suspect but don't know from their MM. Perhaps we should take what BHMM says as his truth, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's every MM's truth, it's just his. It's nice to get the workings and thoughts of a mm, but to assume that he speaks for most isn't really fair.

 

Just food for thought and it's sad, me thinks.

 

This may be BHMM's truth but it is far from the tuth for every MM/MW. I know that as a MW who posted about her affair on here and posted about how I lied to the ex-OM, actually still loved my H and never did not want to leave him, I received abuse - even from some on here who are now posting so much support and admiration for the OP here - and had posters make accusations about what was going on in my life without ever having met me.

 

It seems like some only want to hear a version of truth that suits their agenda

[terrific]

Marriage Builders here too. I wish there was a like button.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

To help you with NC. Sit and read...It's long but worth the read, it's helped thousands on LS.

 

Hopefully as time goes on, your fog will lift and you'll be able to start to feel more towards your wife. I do believe that the love is there, its' just been buried.

[September]

You poor thing, you are really getting it from some people...

 

The withdrawal from your OW is the same as what I am still going through 8 months later, I just wish it would go away! The awful sick feeling in your stomach, the anxiety, the never ending questions zooming around in my mind. I also didn't sleep for months and still find myself waking up at night a few times per week thinking about things.

 

I know you are determined to keep up NC with OW but sometimes I am really unsure that this is the best way to go. You must know that she is hurting and missing you beyond belief. Going from having constant contact with them to zero is awful. My xMM went NC with me, I didn't have a choice after he moved back home (for the "right" reasons ), I was thrown under the bus. Every now and then I really would love to hear that he is ok....I am sure, on occassion, you both would like to know that each other is ok also. If you really want to reconcile your M, you can still have LC as long as you have the strength to not go any further...

 

There are a lot of people on here that are more than happy to help and support you, whether right or wrong information, you can take bits and pieces and see what works for you.

 

By the way, counting backwards from 200 by 3's often helps me to fall asleep eventually.

[SidLyon]

... I'm in love with OW and miss her but am trying to start fixing things at home.

 

But what/how are you trying to fix things with your wife? Are you really doing anything different?

 

 

I'm not even sure what this last part means; I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

 

Good

 

I don't really know how to respond to this, except to say that I'm really a MM and my story is completely real. If you choose not to believe me, I guess there's no way for me to prove my legitimacy (can anyone on here?).

 

That's OK - my belief is probably irrelevant to most posters anyway.

 

I registered to post to: ...and, b) maybe help some other people who are struggling, including OWs who are suffering through post-break-up NC. (My idea to post my story really started from me thinking, what if OW found LS and is reading through these threads; what if I can communicate how much I love her and miss her without breaking NC?)

 

How is this helping with your stated desire to reconcile your marriage - surely you realise this is a false reconciliation and won't help your marriage.

 

 

I don't really understand the first part/question, but yes, I have lied to my kids many times.

I think the "scripted" answer to the first part of my original question which has now disappeared would have been something like "no I never had to reassure my wife that she was my one and only love because we never discussed it." Sorry if I got that wrong and your answer is otherwise.

 

 

3. For somebody who has been totally honest with your OW about your intimate/sex life with your wife you seem strangely reticent to share this with LS. You are trying to give the impression that there was zero sex with your wife without actually saying so. Is this the sort of honesty you showed to your OW too?

 

Again, I'm not sure what the question is here? Yes, sex with W dropped off to pretty much zero over the course of the A. I didn't know I was supposed to provide more detail. I guess I'm old-fashioned. You got the gist though.

 

Pretty much zero is not the same as zero is it? My point was more that you may have wanted your OW to believe it was exactly zero rather than near zero.

4. We don't want the gory details but obviously a major part of rebuilding a marriage is re-establishing intimacy/sex with your wife. If you're not even trying to do this (or don't want to) then you are setting yourself up to fail I think.

I am trying to do this.

 

Good

5. Just going through the motions in the vague hope that something will happen and your wife will end your marriage either because she has an affair herself or just because of the sheer emotional neglect on your part is no way to rebuild a marriage and establish a happy family for you both and your children. This sort of attitude is also straight out of the MM scriptbook.

Wait, what motions am I going through? I've said several times in this thread that I'm trying to focus the energy and attention that went into the A back into my M, and just spend more time reconnecting with my W. I don't know what you're talking about re: hoping my wife will end my M.

You said in earlier posts that you are going through the motions and also that maybe your wife would end your marriage - sorry my quoting in this response is all up the creek.

 

 

Just my opinion but you are wasting your own time, and that of your wife and children.

 

I disagree.

 

If you have been reading LS for years then you will already know that I'm a fBW who is fairly successfully rebuilding/reconciling a marriage. if that's what you want to do (really?) you would be better off on the Infidelity Board asking how to go about it, rather than trying to reassure OWs that their MM really cared about them. You will also know about the article referenced recently too. The fact that you only registered your new ID yesterday is irrelevant as by your own account you have been reading for ages.

 

Sorry, I don't know who you are, and I don't know what article you're talking about (can someone link it for me so I can get the reference?). Yes I have lurked for years, but that's about 1-2 visits per week to read bits of a few threads, not hours per day.

 

It was a rather hostile article and I'm not sure now why it got raised - I don't subscribe to whatever it was that was said and another poster raised it in the assumption you knew of it - sorry I raised this red herring.

I'm not here asking for advice on how to reconcile my M. I had some thoughts I wanted to get out and I thought this thread fit here. Feel free to request it to have it moved if you want.

 

The Infidelity Board might be able to give you very good advice on reconciling your marriage - just out of interest why don't you want assistance with this. To be blunt you seem to need some help if this is truly what you want.

[Silly_Girl]

Also, do you not think your wife hasn't noticed your moods? Your distance and detachment from her and the family life? And now all of a sudden you're "around" more and paying attention to the kids, being more involved?

 

Do you think she hasn't noticed that you can't sleep, that you're depressed and not yourself?

 

She isn't stupid. She knows you and knows something isn't right.

 

It is for these reasons I think the OP needs to man up, face his actions, and invite his wife on board for what could be the journey of a lifetime. He's chosen her, now the two of them have a chance to reinvent themselves in the relationship, rediscover each other now - not what they had years ago. But I think the only chance of a happy ending is if they hold hands and do it TOGETHER, with full knowledge of what's happened.

[White Flower]

BHMM,

 

Let's forget all the attacks we knew you were going to get posting as a MM. It is rare to see a MM post here and for obvious reason, look at how you're being treated. People want to chase you away because you admit to loving the OW and to not loving your W enough.

 

And here you are trying to 'do the right thing' and still you're being persecuted. Well I say forget them and post post post away.

 

I have a question for you. How did it end with OW? What did you tell her, how did you end it? Did she fight it? Did she hate you for ending it? Or did she gladly set you free?

 

It might help you move on if you can hash it out.

 

Hugs.

[BHMM]

BHMM, curious about waiting on the intimacy with your W. Does she initiate it? Does she inquire why you don't? Are you holding back because the loss of OW is still too great? My guess is that it's pretty rare that any man would hold off of sex if he can get it. Am I wrong?

She occasionally tries. I just say I'm tired or tomorrow or something. Yes, I am holding back because I literally can't do it, because of the way I feel about OW. I guess that would be rare, but that's the way I am.

 

Anyway I'm very interested in the way he writes of his wife, almost as if he doesn't know her well; has only learned superficial and mainly negative things about her from someone else. Also he doesn't seem to be able to put into words what exactly he's doing to repair his marriage (again almost as if he doesn't know for sure and is just speculating what such a person might be doing).

 

He is obviously an intelligent and literate person yet is unable to write convincingly about his life with his wife. Strange for someone who has decided to make his life with his wife.

It's not strange for someone who is in love with someone they just let go and are learning to live without. I'm distant in the way I write about my W because that is reflective of the way our lives are, and where my focus still is (OW). I'm trying to get to that place where OW is a distant memory and I can fully invest myself in my W. But it will be a process.

 

Again, if you don't believe I'm real, just please go somewhere else. I'm already tired of trying to convince you.

 

Well BHMM, I could be BHMW. I feel for you. I love my husband, but I love another man as well, it is a different love, I can't explain it. I miss him terribly and like you I tell myself everyday that it will get better. I am sometimes overwhelmed with trying to do what I need to do in my marriage and moving the feelings for the other man aside both at the same time. Do I have a terrible marriage or rotten husband, no. He and I grew apart and things changed. I am staying because I am, and he does not know about the other. I don't really care to debate either of those issues, I have made those decisions. I guess what I feel when I read your posts is that I am seeing my feelings reflected in a man and this confirms to me that my OM (who is single) is struggling too. I let him go, he is trying to date, I want him to be happy. I will not contact him and like you, in my heart hope he contacts me and in my head know it is for the best if he does not. Like you I rarely sleep or eat and feel like I am functioning at slow speed during the day at best. I have better days than others. I have read a million things about reconnecting in your marriage and I am trying to work on that. I am hoping the feelings for my husband will tip the scale. Isn't it amazing how hard it is to put yourself out there in a forum knowing you will have so many people expressing their opinions and judging your situation!! I just remind myself that everyone has things in their own life that have allowed them to become the people that they are and that we are all entitled to think and feel the way we do, that's what makes us all individuals. Keep posting!

Hi terrific, thanks for posting. I feel for you in your situation, and all I can say is hang in there and keep working. I think you (and I) made the right decision, and we just have to move forward and live our lives believing that. Take care!

 

I hate to bring this up, but I have to ask.

Have you been checked for STD's?

Yes, I'm clean.

 

 

You and your wife have communication issues. You say alot "I think my wife would feel this way" etc.. Or assume stuff about her reaction. You don't know what your wife thinks or feels because you are distant from her and not emotionally attached, not intimate with her anymore. That's very sad because it's possible she HAS noticed how miserable you are and is blaming herself. It's possible she suspects but thinks you would never cheat on her.

 

When was the last time you gave your wife flowers? Took her out to dinner? Gave her a massage? Just did something nice for her, to let her know that you do care and love her? Asked her if she is happy and if there are needs that she has that you aren't meeting?

 

As for the OW, what are you doing to (being proactive I mean) by trying to get over her? DO you allow yourself to think/fantasize about her? Re-live moments, remember stuff etc, Or do you stop those thoughts as they enter your head? And make yourself snap out of it, focus on your wife?

I'm sure she's noticed my change and the shift in our R.

Good ideas on the flowers, dinner, and asking her about her needs. I will do that.

I was doing okay with NC until a few weeks ago. Most of this month has gotten progressively worse. I miss her more now than I did 2 months ago. Maybe it's the reality of the end of the A sinking in. Posting here all day about her, while helping purge some of my thoughts and feelings, is definitely not helping get her out of my head. I'm working on focusing all my attention back on my W. I just keep telling myself it'll get easier, it'll getting better.

 

Also, do you not think your wife hasn't noticed your moods? Your distance and detachment from her and the family life? And now all of a sudden you're "around" more and paying attention to the kids, being more involved?

 

Do you think she hasn't noticed that you can't sleep, that you're depressed and not yourself?

 

She isn't stupid. She knows you and knows something isn't right.

Of course I know she's noticed things are off. I ended the A; all I can do is try to make things good again at home.