2 shy Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 I am an incredibly shy and introverted (it’s a long story – but my father is an abusive alchohlic) 16 year old male, and have spent many years in what seems like self-induced isolation from other people even though I’m right in the middle of them. Would having sex with someone “bring me out” more into the world and make me more comfortable in trusting and interacting with other people? I'm not just talking about a one-night stand or sex with a prostitute or anything - I mean loving, caring sex. Thxs Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 There are a few steps you need to go through to get there, its not like you can wake up one day ad say i gonna get laid in a loving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
2 shy Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Hi Dark Angel, Thanks for your reply I gues I should explain more. I'm not worried about the "true love" part - I know several girls who are interested in me, but I'm just wondering if I should "make the leap" to try and feel more connected with the world (if I connect intamately with one person - will it open the doors for me to feel more connected with people in general?) or wait and not try and use sex as a way to break out of my shell? Does that make any more sense? Thxs Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 dont use sex as an escape or something to "bring you out." i dont think sex should be taken so lightly. its not really a solution to your problem like alcohol isnt. if you're a virgin you should do it with someone you trust and care for. the biggest mistake most people make is spending their first time with someone that they didnt think about and will regret it later on. making a connection with someone is thru having mutual feelings and communication. finding something in common and work from there. just take it one step at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Would having sex with someone “bring me out” more into the world and make me more comfortable in trusting and interacting with other people? Unlikely. To build a loving, caring relationship, you have to first be able to build healthy friendships. Otherwise, you will end up with a girl who is really messed up in the head, one way or another. And you need some emotional resilience to deal with the turmoil inherent in sexual feelings, especially if you hit a bumpy patch. I'm very sympathetic to the need to connect with people. I myself was shy and depressed as a teenager. I ended up finding boyfriends that were also shy and lonely. Two shy and lonely people clinging to each other desperately do not result in happiness or mental health. BTW, my dad was also alcoholic, although not abusive towards me. Some say that many alcoholics are just depressed people who are "self-medicating" with alcohol. I would recommend seeing a doctor about whether antidepressants would relieve your shyness and social anxiety. I found Paxil when I was 31 - I wish I had had it at your age. My life might be better now. I would not have made so many choices out of desperation. That feeling of being alone in the middle of a crowd is likely depression. And don't go "self-medicating" with sex, alcohol or anything else. It does help temporarily - but then you end up worse off, with new problems and a hole that gets deeper every day. Please do get help. It makes the difference between a life that you endure, and one you can truly enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 I agree with the other posters. Sex IS NOT a cure all. As a matter of fact, it will most likely add to the stress and depression you are already feeling. Deal with your personal issues....THEN find a loving relationship which incorporates sex. If you don't have a healthy dose of self esteem....casual sex is not a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 you should find someone to talk to you who is some what neutral to the people involved and the situation. not that i'm saying dont talk to us. a lot of us come from pretty much the same background. dont bottle up your feelings. it lead to a lot of unhealthy practices. write things down. i find that it helps. i agree with what the others say as well. if you read the other post/ forums you'll find problems relating to yours about alcohol, sex, abuse and so on. remember you're not alone in any of this. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 One of the problems with your plan is that relationships have a pretty high failure rate. In an ideal world, you'd find the loving relationship, make it sexual, have it last, and derive all the benefits therefrom which could indeed make you feel better. In reality, you may find a loving relationship, have sex, and then have the relationship break down, leaving you feeling rejected as well as isolated. So really, it's not the best way to go. Your best bet is to try to join clubs or associations where people do things you like to do (charitable work? sports?) and try to make friends in them. Yes, you can also get counselling and try meds but acceptance from friends can be healing, as well. I was introverted, too. Somewhere along the line, I realized others suffered many of the same issues. I realized that one can gain a great deal by offering acceptance and friendship to others in similar situations. Sometimes the cure for being inside oneself is to go outside oneself and offer oneself to others. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 i agree with moimeme. although sometimes you might still feel lonely. i was one of those girls that was never alone in school. always had friends to hang out but i was also one of those people who could be around many people and still feel lonely. it eventually turned really bad after my first serious relationship ended. i was always kinda depressed. i have family members who are alcoholics and plus my parents dont have a steady realtionship plus so many other things. so when it all added up i ended up taking aspirines and vodka or cutting myself. so my advice is take things slow and be happy with yourself and be comfortable in your body. love yourself before trying to love someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
HiDDeN PiGLeT Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 I HAVE ISSUES DAMN IT!!! but i'm working with what i got and i'm damn proud to admit it cuz now i can talk to people about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Originally posted by HiDDeN PiGLeT I HAVE ISSUES DAMN IT!!! but i'm working with what i got and i'm damn proud to admit it cuz now i can talk to people about it. wow, that was random. Link to post Share on other sites
just surfing... Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 Wow! I just found this site (I must admit I was curious if Blanca’s Smut Shack still existed – for those of you old time internet users – it was one of the first and most famous sex sites!) Google fed me this site; I saw this thread and just followed it and, Wow! It’s amazing! 2 shy – everyone’s advice is right! Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Only have sex if you feel safe emotionally (and physically – use a condom!) Trust me: there will be a time in your life when this will all make sense, and everything will fit together like pieces of a puzzle – but it will be hard work. You MUST find a therapist or even your doctor to talk to about depression, and you MUST take care of yourself – eat right, sleep right and exercise. It all sounds boring, but it will pay off. Soulmate – When I read your post I almost cried! I too have had major bouts of depression (even suicidal inclinations) and wish to all mighty that someone or anyone would have grabbed me and dragged me to therapy, the doctor, or just shook my shoulders and said it will all be alright. Now days therapy is widely accepted and accessible, medication is available, and there is even instant communication on chat boards like this for the emotionally or physically “isolated”. Just a personal question: how do you deal with the lost opportunities from bad decisions made out of desperation? It seems like I spent the first ½ of my life jumping from place to place, job to job, relations to relationship, in a mad attempt to get out of this emotional black hole. I have mountains of regrets, grief, sadness, forlorn, depression, etc. about it all, and it’s still a daily struggle for me to keep my head above water. I know I'm fine and safe at this point in my life, but I was just wondering how other people coped with it. Arabess – I couldn’t agree more about casual sex – when I was sleeping around I felt I lost a bit of myself everytime I had an encounter – I literally felt I was being chiselled away. And the bit about good self-esteem – absolutely true! I remember one woman saying afterwards that she “wished it was longer”! I didn’t have the self-esteem to ask if she meant longer in duration, or longer in length! I simply took my fragile being back to its cave for a while. Hidden Piglet – (I think that is possibly the cutest nick-name I’ve ever seen! is also very correct- you are not alone, and getting your feelings out there is imperative! (look at me, I’m blabbing on here forever to complete strangers on a website I just stumbled across – and it feels great!!! Great to share, Great to find wonderful, nice helpful people, just great! Moimeme – (another curious screen name – is it French?) hit the nail on the head when she said that “relationships have a pretty high failure rate”. If you think about it, (even ask any of your older or married (or divorced) friends or family friends: how many relationships have they had before they find the right person and got married. I bet your usuals answer will be anywhere from 10 on up. So consider your odds of meeting the perfect person, at a young age, and falling in love forever with them. I’ve only known one couple who did that (he was a virgin) and now he drinks a six-pack of beer before going home every night. What I am saying is, develop a circle of fiends for support and emotional safety BEFORE you jump into a relationship and sex – that way if it does fall apart painfully, you’ll have friends to help you cope (and believe me they will help!) That’s one of my major regrets about my teenage years is that my dad moved us around so much that I was never in the same school for longer than 9 months, and never developed that wonderful support base of friendship that so many people have as a foundation to grow. I was too busy just surviving. Anyway, 2 shy (I like your screen name 2 good luck and don’t despair – stay tuned into this board if you need to and heed all the excellent peoples excellent advice and you will be alright! Cheers {name withheld due to anonymity policy} Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 20, 2004 Share Posted February 20, 2004 just surfing, are u gonna joing the community? Link to post Share on other sites
2 shy Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 It's taken me a while to be able to reply to all of this. you are all so generous and helpful. I think I'm going to have a lot of thinking to do ahead. and hard work like surfer said. I just need to digest all of this than you all Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 just surfing Just a personal question: how do you deal with the lost opportunities from bad decisions made out of desperation? Understand that you did the best you could at the time. Nobody is perfect, and nobody makes perfect decisions. Forgive yourself for being one of us FHBs (Flawed Human Beings). Moimeme – (another curious screen name – is it French?) It is. Properly, it's moi-même and means 'myself'. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Hi Everyone Thanks to Darkangelism's suggestion, I've joined the group! I hope to "see" all of you more, and if anyone wants to send a message me about anything, please feel free to do so Cheers, Link to post Share on other sites
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