Author witabix Posted September 7, 2010 Author Share Posted September 7, 2010 Late to this thread but: I walked away 36 years ago. We'd been married for 13 years and probably less than 12 months of those were happy, the rest of the time we fought or ignored each other. The sex was good for about 4 years, then after the birth of our son it stopped, my fault entirely, it's really hard to get interested when you're angry and I was ALWAYS angry or irked or... She had some serious discussions with me about it but I wasn't interested in anything she had to say, when we got married she said, "I do" and never closed her mouth again so I'd learned to never hear anything she said! BTW, AFAIK neither of us had any other love interest, I believe she was completely faithful, I know I was. People asked my why the divorce and I had to say there was no big reason, just several dozen little reasons... One day, our daughter had done something I thought was bad (it involved lying and meeting a guy) so I told her she was grounded for a week, she protested to her mother who told her not to worry about it, she'd veto the punishment and did so while I could hear and w/o discussing it with me. Next day I went to work as usual, came home around lunch time, packed and moved into a motel. She discussed reconciliation but I was glad to be gone and would not discuss it at all, she once told her mother, "He just left and I don't know why?" After about a year I bought a house not too far away, kids could walk or bike over and did frequently, exW and I became very good friends w/o the pressures of marriage. Neither of us ever re-married, I'm in a very long term relationship with someone, she dates but not any one person. I think I saved my sanity and probably hers by walking... I doubt this will help anyone but there it is. Thank you for sharing that fltc. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTNT Posted September 7, 2010 Share Posted September 7, 2010 It's okay, I got that part....there's seems to be a lot going on. Head-swimming and the sorts...time to slow down a little. You loved the other guy, now you love this guy...older guys, yeah...they can hold a wisdom over you that you aren't aware of. Been there, know that (mine lied to me about his age until I was hooked and found his driver's license)...ah, the stupidity of youth. It sounds to me that you are still exploring what you really want. You're young and still not knowing what side you want to be on.....what is going on in the background of his older guy...you mentioned a bartender....if he has moved on to explore other avenues...that's not your fault...and it's not your reason to be manipulated either. You love him, that's evident, but you put space between the two of you for a reason. You are at an age where your emotions rule you....don't let them get the better of you. Thanks Trippi... I've been trying very hard to hold it together. I love myself, I want to continue working on self-awareness, self-love. I do not want to continue the pattern of self sabotage.. it's draining. I hope, I can fully accept this soon and keep myself motivated with my goals... Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted September 7, 2010 Share Posted September 7, 2010 (edited) Late to this thread but: I walked away 36 years ago. We'd been married for 13 years and probably less than 12 months of those were happy, the rest of the time we fought or ignored each other. The sex was good for about 4 years, then after the birth of our son it stopped, my fault entirely, it's really hard to get interested when you're angry and I was ALWAYS angry or irked or... She had some serious discussions with me about it but I wasn't interested in anything she had to say, when we got married she said, "I do" and never closed her mouth again so I'd learned to never hear anything she said! BTW, AFAIK neither of us had any other love interest, I believe she was completely faithful, I know I was. People asked my why the divorce and I had to say there was no big reason, just several dozen little reasons... One day, our daughter had done something I thought was bad (it involved lying and meeting a guy) so I told her she was grounded for a week, she protested to her mother who told her not to worry about it, she'd veto the punishment and did so while I could hear and w/o discussing it with me. Next day I went to work as usual, came home around lunch time, packed and moved into a motel. She discussed reconciliation but I was glad to be gone and would not discuss it at all, she once told her mother, "He just left and I don't know why?" After about a year I bought a house not too far away, kids could walk or bike over and did frequently, exW and I became very good friends w/o the pressures of marriage. Neither of us ever re-married, I'm in a very long term relationship with someone, she dates but not any one person. I think I saved my sanity and probably hers by walking... I doubt this will help anyone but there it is. How sad........ Edited September 7, 2010 by willowthewisp Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 One day, our daughter had done something I thought was bad so I told her she was grounded for a week, she protested to her mother who told her not to worry about it, she'd veto the punishment and did so while I could hear and w/o discussing it with me. exW and I became very good friends w/o the pressures of marriage. I think I saved my sanity and probably hers by walking... I doubt this will help anyone but there it is. Parents who don't stand as one on raising their children fall into that Lincoln quote 'a house divided shall not stand'. Maybe it does help, help us all. Some people are just better at being friends. Maybe the ideal of staying married forever no matter what is something we should accept isn't always the best reality. Actually, I really like that you managed to become good friends, which I think is rare indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted September 9, 2010 Share Posted September 9, 2010 (edited) It wasn't sad, WillowtheWisp, my walking out corrected a mistake we made 13 years previously. We both married strangers and incompatable strangers at that. As a friend use to say, "We thought we were in love but we were just in heat!" We soon became friends and have remained so for the 36 years we've lived apart. As You Go Girl said, we presented a united front to the children AFTER the divorce, so much so that my son once complained that all his friends with divorced parents could 'work' mom and dad by saying, "Mom (or Dad) said it's OK!" but he never got away with that! Sad is that 12 years ago she had a radical mastectomy, now the cancer has metastized, returned as bone cancer and she will not survive this. So far, so good, she has no pain and the chemo doesn't seem to bother her but things will get worse toward the end.... I'm surprised to realize I'll miss her a lot. We're hoping she'll have several more good years but who knows? NOTE: She won't be giving up much of her life, we're both in our middle 70s but it seems so damn unfair to be cancer free for 12 years and then.... Edited September 9, 2010 by fltc Link to post Share on other sites
Author witabix Posted September 9, 2010 Author Share Posted September 9, 2010 Very sorry for all this fltc, doesn't really matter about ages, or anything like that. I can see she still means a lot to you. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted September 10, 2010 Share Posted September 10, 2010 Thanks for the kind words, witabix. She does mean a lot to me, she's the mother of my children and although we've been divorced for 36 years we've known each other for 50+ years... Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted September 12, 2010 Share Posted September 12, 2010 Thanks for the kind words, witabix. She does mean a lot to me, she's the mother of my children and although we've been divorced for 36 years we've known each other for 50+ years... So what if you've broken some people's ideal that marriages should never end-- Your story sounds like a true, real, and beautiful love story. Link to post Share on other sites
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