Walking away in silence...why?

[just_some_guy]

I just had to get it out. Even months later, after attempts at therapy, after leaving, after filing, I'm still getting the, "I didn't know it was coming. I had no idea you were unhappy. You should have told me." Uggh.

 

The WAS subject comes up a lot on LS. I find it very frustrating, since the finger is pointed at me for doing that, but I tried to get it out. I tried. Sometimes the anger wells up inside me.

[witabix]

I just had to get it out. Even months later, after attempts at therapy, after leaving, after filing, I'm still getting the, "I didn't know it was coming. I had no idea you were unhappy. You should have told me." Uggh.

 

The WAS subject comes up a lot on LS. I find it very frustrating, since the finger is pointed at me for doing that, but I tried to get it out. I tried. Sometimes the anger wells up inside me.

 

Thats ok man. I am not pointing any fingers at you. No one has the right to, they haven't lived your life.

 

I read willowthewisp's post on another thread and instead of hijacking it I thought I would start another one. The first part of her post sounded exactly like what I did to my ex wife. I am trying to understand it myself.

 

I thought that maybe I could get more of it out of my head if I engaged someone who was on the other side of the story, and perhaps others who had done the same as me shared some of their experiences. That this may also help the people who were left in such circumstances to ask questions and gain some insight or comfort.

[trippi1432]

I just had to get it out. Even months later, after attempts at therapy, after leaving, after filing, I'm still getting the, "I didn't know it was coming. I had no idea you were unhappy. You should have told me." Uggh.

 

The WAS subject comes up a lot on LS. I find it very frustrating, since the finger is pointed at me for doing that, but I tried to get it out. I tried. Sometimes the anger wells up inside me.

 

JSG - I think that what Witabix is trying to point out is the superficial aspects of what a leave validates for their reasons in leaving....that insight comes later when the leaver realizes that they have come full circle in their life and looks at their life from a new perspective.

 

No one is trying to point fingers at YOU...but at your validations....marriage is not conditional, not a game of wills or a game at all. It is acceptance that over time you will both change, you will not always be young, your goals in life will change and you will not always both be on the same page...but that is life. A "forkful" at a time may have been her way of dealing with life and stress....not pointing fingers, but did you know her stress?

[trippi1432]

Yes trippi, I understand your dejectedness. In the mangled logic that exists in these situations it is true that he may not be able to do that to her precisely because he did it to you. It is an awful place to be, to have the thoughts that you are having. Whatever the facts are it is still not your fault, you enabled a deception, perhaps you did. But you didn't provoke, entice, or cause the deception. Do not take on the guilt of the deceiver. Lay it down, the burden is too heavy, and it is not your burden.

 

Thanks Witabix, I guess the problem is that leavers don't understand what they leave behind while they clear their own conscience...where that hate comes from...or where that hurt comes from when left behind. Someone carries that burden while the other side lives burden-free until they are honest with themselves.

 

I do see that, he did that to me and his loyalty stands strong for her. I've always given my ex that respect, that he was loyal until the end when he decided to leave before telling me he had indications to according to his story. And I am sure that he will do that to her one day too....and I have no empathy for either of them when that happens.

 

You know how you go back and put two and two together...I knew something was up even though he still states today that he never cheated with her until we split up...he didn't know that I was watching him mowing the yard one day...he was staring at our neighbor....she resembles the woman he is with now and this was before there was an indication of unhappiness. That was my first feeling of uneasiness...of the changing winds....after that it was all downhill. He never knew that I saw that...I've never told him....from then on, he drove the essence of our marriage.....but for the first time in 15 years I was too scared to say something about it. That's where my burden comes from...could I have stopped it?

[dgiirl]

Even months later, after attempts at therapy, after leaving, after filing, I'm still getting the, "I didn't know it was coming. I had no idea you were unhappy. You should have told me."

 

If you went to therapy, and she did not realize that was a HUGE sign something is wrong, then you cannot take the blame for that.

 

It sounds like there is a big difference between you and witabix. Witabix knows and acknowledges he left without an explanation. My ex too acknowledged that he kept his emotions hidden from me. Although he claims to have tried to work on the marriage, he acknowledges that he never mentioned his unhappiness, he simply walked. He claims to have tried to ask for a divorce 3 years prior and instead of saying he was unhappy in the marriage and that he wanted a divorce, he asked if I will do more chores around the house. For the following three years, he said NOTHING. This is coming straight from him. His own acknowledgment after the fact.

 

So if you ever said to your wife, I'm not happy. I would like you to do this and that. Our marriage is at stake. We need therapy and then you GO TO THERAPY. She had her head stuck in the sand to not know that was a huge sign the marriage is at stake.

 

I'm currently having issues with my boyfriend. If he calls it off tomorrow, I will not be shocked in the least. He has given me a huge gift by at least letting me know he's unhappy about certain topics and the chance to talk about it and try to resolve it. This is FAR from what I got from my exh. I know my boyfriend is unhappy. I had NO CLUE my ex was unhappy. HUGE difference.

[witabix]

Thanks Witabix, I guess the problem is that leavers don't understand what they leave behind while they clear their own conscience...where that hate comes from...or where that hurt comes from when left behind. Someone carries that burden while the other side lives burden-free until they are honest with themselves.

 

I was too scared to say something about it. That's where my burden comes from...could I have stopped it?

 

Leavers don't understand what they leave behind, I think that is quite correct. I have a horrible feeling that, at least for me, I do understand the hurt it caused. I have a really bad notion that that is exactly what is going on, to cause hurt. To redress a balance, regardless of the situation, I think that may be what is happening.

 

I have the power to go, and I use it. I have the power to remain silent and that will leave you powerless. It feels, odd, typing this out. Is it some kind of power trip? Ego whipping the other person. Is that a sign of an inner void, or as I see it an inability to communicate with yourself.

 

If I could go back twenty odd years and talk to the 'me' then, I wonder what the conversation would be like? My younger brother almost did the same thing a while back. I gave it to him straight between the eyes, the reality of what he was doing. He changed his mind.

 

As for your final question.....what would have stopped me? I am stumped at the moment. But I will give that more thought, I promise.

[trippi1432]

Thats ok man. I am not pointing any fingers at you. No one has the right to, they haven't lived your life.

 

I read willowthewisp's post on another thread and instead of hijacking it I thought I would start another one. The first part of her post sounded exactly like what I did to my ex wife. I am trying to understand it myself.

 

I thought that maybe I could get more of it out of my head if I engaged someone who was on the other side of the story, and perhaps others who had done the same as me shared some of their experiences. That this may also help the people who were left in such circumstances to ask questions and gain some insight or comfort.

 

Witabix - I for one am grateful for your insight and honesty....and I do hope that you will continue to post that here. I realize that you are also seeking your own solice as you come to a new understanding of your life....telling your ex now of your profound understanding on your actions so long ago, I see that as a positive aspect of someone who has found their "center".

 

Does your ex hate you....maybe...and I think that you know that is possible....coming back years later to tell her these things might only open up old wounds that have healed or been band-aided....as a person who has been left behind...if my first ex (who was also my first love) were to come up out of the blue and explained himself with remorse...I would lose my mind. If silence has been accepted, then so be it.

 

I don't know if that is right or wrong, but I can tell you that witnessing my father "introducing" himself to my mother over 20 years after being divorced at my wedding rehearsal because he no longer knew her (yes, he left)....she remembered the hurt...he didn't. As ugly as it sounds...a woman remembers the man that she carried children for and raised a family with....no matter how short-lived that might be. And as men might think, we don't "get over you" because we don't forget everything we loved and/or hated about you, because that was you...it was what we as women accepted and adored or rejected about our husbands, but we shared our lives, our hopes, our worries and our love with you because that is a relationship. Telling her this now will only peel back years of healing that she has worked at. Don't take that away from her.

[witabix]

Witabix - I for one am grateful for your insight and honesty....and I do hope that you will continue to post that here. I realize that you are also seeking your own solice as you come to a new understanding of your life....telling your ex now of your profound understanding on your actions so long ago, I see that as a positive aspect of someone who has found their "center".

 

Does your ex hate you....maybe...and I think that you know that is possible....coming back years later to tell her these things might only open up old wounds that have healed or been band-aided....as a person who has been left behind...if my first ex (who was also my first love) were to come up out of the blue and explained himself with remorse...I would lose my mind. If silence has been accepted, then so be it.

 

I don't know if that is right or wrong, but I can tell you that witnessing my father "introducing" himself to my mother over 20 years after being divorced at my wedding rehearsal because he no longer knew her (yes, he left)....she remembered the hurt...he didn't. As ugly as it sounds...a woman remembers the man that she carried children for and raised a family with....no matter how short-lived that might be. And as men might think, we don't "get over you" because we don't forget everything we loved and/or hated about you, because that was you...it was what we as women accepted and adored or rejected about our husbands, but we shared our lives, our hopes, our worries and our love with you because that is a relationship. Telling her this now will only peel back years of healing that she has worked at. Don't take that away from her.

 

I agree completely, its not my wish to cause her any more harm, and its my turn to wipe my eyes reading that post. I know, I know, I know.....

[trippi1432]

I agree completely, its not my wish to cause her any more harm, and its my turn to wipe my eyes reading that post. I know, I know, I know.....

 

Hugs....it is human nature to want to console and make right....leavers see it later...left behind deal with it up front. Is either side right/wrong...nobody knows.....

 

You've opened my mind to what I have already known but hated to tell myself....please keep giving us your insight. To see it from a mature recollection is refreshing, not validation, but an insight to what we never knew.

[florence of suburbia]

Hi Witabix. Did you break off all communication with your wife and kids after you left?

[Tayla]

Doesn't make it right! I can relate to being wore down I was in many ways, but I never walked, never gave up on her or my marriage. I tried my best to talk it out, explain my feelings. They werent feelings I was allowed to have apparently, but I never gave up. Maybe his actions said all he wanted to say at the time, but wonder if she would agree??? I think thats what Witabix is getting at.

 

TOJAZ

 

It was the right choice for him and the family overall.. I respect the difference of principles. Humans are breakable and Husbands are no different. When a person spends years talking to a wall , it can be concluded its not going to answer back. And if it does, seek psychiatric help. Some folks cannot see the forest thru the trees...

My X SIL may not have approved of his exit but she certainly understands his reasoning years later. Her wake up call came quite quietly....

[trippi1432]

It was the right choice for him and the family overall.. I respect the difference of principles. Humans are breakable and Husbands are no different. When a person spends years talking to a wall , it can be concluded its not going to answer back. And if it does, seek psychiatric help. Some folks cannot see the forest thru the trees...

My X SIL may not have approved of his exit but she certainly understands his reasoning years later. Her wake up call came quite quietly....

 

 

Still not sure that what Witabix is trying to get across is being understood fully, my understanding is that he viewed being undervalued by his family, much like the trash you refer to in your post.....but now that he has come full circle, he realizes that this is something he put on himself. When it was fresh, as it probably is with your brother right now, self-justification rules.

[tojaz]

It was the right choice for him and the family overall.. I respect the difference of principles. Humans are breakable and Husbands are no different. When a person spends years talking to a wall , it can be concluded its not going to answer back. And if it does, seek psychiatric help. Some folks cannot see the forest thru the trees...

My X SIL may not have approved of his exit but she certainly understands his reasoning years later. Her wake up call came quite quietly....

 

Not questioning his decision at all Tayla, I dont have the story and its not my place. If it was for the best to end the marriage, so be it, not all marriages end for the wrong reasons. We all know that. I think the issue is how it happened.

 

Being on the receiving end trying to heal and rebuild and to be quite honest, teetering on the edge of sanity over it for a long time. While ending it may have been the best decision. Abandoning someone and leaving in a way that causes damage is never for the best.

 

TOJAZ

[witabix]

Hi Witabix. Did you break off all communication with your wife and kids after you left?

 

Yes, shortly afterwards my life kind of imploded, no job, no money, ended up going home after my Dad died. Breaking off communication was caused by something else. I was ashamed that I could no longer support them. So I went and hid, more weakness and stupid misconceptions.

[witabix]

Still not sure that what Witabix is trying to get across is being understood fully, my understanding is that he viewed being undervalued by his family, much like the trash you refer to in your post.....but now that he has come full circle, he realizes that this is something he put on himself. When it was fresh, as it probably is with your brother right now, self-justification rules.

 

I think thats pretty accurate. I managed to undervalue myself in some one else's eyes. Being unable to see, as I can now, that that was not the case.

 

I don't know about Tayla's brother, one of my self justification phrases was 'All she sees is a pay packet coming in the door'. I am sure now that wasn't true.

[witabix]

Not questioning his decision at all Tayla, I dont have the story and its not my place. If it was for the best to end the marriage, so be it, not all marriages end for the wrong reasons. We all know that. I think the issue is how it happened.

 

Being on the receiving end trying to heal and rebuild and to be quite honest, teetering on the edge of sanity over it for a long time. While ending it may have been the best decision. Abandoning someone and leaving in a way that causes damage is never for the best.

 

TOJAZ

 

The person you damage most is yourself, in the end. I have passed through the intervening years with a firm belief that no one is to be trusted. I question myself now about the basis of that belief, the answer I am starting to see is that the one I trust least is me.

[trippi1432]

I think thats pretty accurate. I managed to undervalue myself in some one else's eyes. Being unable to see, as I can now, that that was not the case.

 

I don't know about Tayla's brother, one of my self justification phrases was 'All she sees is a pay packet coming in the door'. I am sure now that wasn't true.

 

Good point on under valuing yourself...I think that everyone has felt that way in a relationship at one point or another. Even the one's left may have felt that way prior to the act of being left....they definitely undervalued once the leaver leaves.

 

When my ex left the first time, I called a divorce busting coach to get advice....something she said that I felt was very profound about everything my ex complained about, and probably felt the way you did...."Everyone complains or finds something to complain about....letting the dog out, mowing the yard, going to work, doing laundry, cooking dinner....they are all valid but also what we have to do in life. Grass grows and has to mowed, It sucks....but it happens, so you mow the yard...clothes get dirty and have to be washed, It sucks....but It happens...you wash the clothes."

 

These are the small things in life that people use to build on discontent and eventually see themselves as not being valued. And you are right....we all do that to ourselves because only we have the power to not feel that way.

 

On the other hand, If someone is maliciously following you around pointing out what you never do right, then yes, you could say that their discontent with you makes you feel undervalued....this was something my ex did and If I did something one time that he didn't like....it was positioned that I always did that...(I once made the most horrible mistake by buying the wrong brand of toilet paper...never lived It down).

 

I guess the point Is that if all the small stuff brings about so much discontent at what point does a leaver validate that discontent to damage the big stuff...the big stuff being the wedding vows, fidelity, security and others' happiness and physical well-being?

[willowthewisp]

Leavers don't understand what they leave behind, I think that is quite correct. I have a horrible feeling that, at least for me, I do understand the hurt it caused. I have a really bad notion that that is exactly what is going on, to cause hurt. To redress a balance, regardless of the situation, I think that may be what is happening.

 

I have the power to go, and I use it. I have the power to remain silent and that will leave you powerless. It feels, odd, typing this out. Is it some kind of power trip? Ego whipping the other person. Is that a sign of an inner void, or as I see it an inability to communicate with yourself.

 

 

My mum suggested this to me a long time ago, she said it's almost like he had been upset with something I did and he had saved it up to hurt me at the moment he did. He mentioned something I had done 17 years earlier that made him feel weak (we were in highschool). My ex didn't exactly walk in silence, he fed me some rubblish the morning he left, which I now know was an excuse by his own admission after. He then gave me lots of different "reasons" at various times on the phone when I would call him to discuss property division etc. All of them were my fault, I was this and I was that. By his own admission he deliberately kept his unhappiness hidden from me.

 

Now you have me wondering, but really to save it up for 17 years?

 

I want to thank you for the insight you are providing by sharing all this, I'm having a really bad today, very down, feels like the pits of hell actually, in fact I am begining to wonder if actually he didn't leave but I died and am actually in hell being punished? I think I'm losing the plot! I have a lot more to post and to ask if that's ok? But I need a bit more time to get my thoughts together.

[witabix]

If I can help in any way.

[Tayla]

The person you damage most is yourself, in the end. I have passed through the intervening years with a firm belief that no one is to be trusted. I question myself now about the basis of that belief, the answer I am starting to see is that the one I trust least is me.

 

We make decisions that are sometimes best for the whole of the relations and sometimes what is necessary for the whole to heal, even if it means leaving quietly. I openly stand middle zoned on the parts of (So called ) victim and the Leaver.I understand each and find myself stepping back saying neither asked for it but by golly how they grow and learn is the best that can come out of it....

 

I agree that I am not grasping something here by either side...so please enlighten this soul ...Thanks!

[florence of suburbia]

Yes, shortly afterwards my life kind of imploded, no job, no money, ended up going home after my Dad died. Breaking off communication was caused by something else. I was ashamed that I could no longer support them. So I went and hid, more weakness and stupid misconceptions.

 

So it snowballed and gained momentum.

 

Can I ask, was your decision to break off contact like a door closing, a final decision that you didn't regret at the time? Or was it something you vacillated on? Or did you say to yourself, today I will call them, and then put it off till another day until the days turned into months and years?

[witabix]

So it snowballed and gained momentum.

 

Can I ask, was your decision to break off contact like a door closing, a final decision that you didn't regret at the time? Or was it something you vacillated on? Or did you say to yourself, today I will call them, and then put it off till another day until the days turned into months and years?

 

That decision evolved, over a year or so, as my life collapsed. It needed a great deal of 'self denial' to keep it up. Not a day went by that I didn't torture myself over it, thinking of them, worrying about them. They were the worst years of my life. My daughter kept pushing and pushing for contact. My shame kept me silent, shame about money for Gods sake.

 

My partner at the time saw the effect on me, and incorrectly tried to shield me from it. We eventually split up, not over this.

 

A while later I became involved with another woman, she learned about it all slowly, I point blank refused to talk about it and told her not to speak to me about it. She ignored me and then started to push me as well.

 

I eventually caved in and went to meet my, by now, grown children.

[witabix]

We make decisions that are sometimes best for the whole of the relations and sometimes what is necessary for the whole to heal, even if it means leaving quietly. I openly stand middle zoned on the parts of (So called ) victim and the Leaver.I understand each and find myself stepping back saying neither asked for it but by golly how they grow and learn is the best that can come out of it....

 

I agree that I am not grasping something here by either side...so please enlighten this soul ...Thanks!

 

I left my wife with no real explanation. She wasn't really aware of what was going through my mind and didn't know it was coming. Willowthewisp appeared to be in the same situation, except on the other side. I am only giving one example, my own, of the thought processes I went through at the time. With the benefit of hindsight.

 

How much hurt is caused by simply getting up and going without trying to talk, or work it out properly. I really can't speak for anyone else's experience. So I am not suggesting your brother did this.

 

I am taking the time to look back and see what a hash I made of it all, and ask myself some fundamental questions about me, in the process it may help some one who was on the other side to see things differently, to come to some kind of terms with what happened to them.

 

I must say that I am finding it exhausting emotionally to dig through this stuff, but its useful to respond to questions that others post.

 

Hope that helps to clarify the point of this thread Tayla

[trippi1432]

If I can help in any way.

 

Thank you for posting witabix....

[GorillaTheater]

Thank you for posting witabix....

 

Yes, thank you very much. I'm spending some time looking at some of my own demons (which I usually avoid) as a result of reading this thread.