Will he come back? Is there a chance for us? What can I do?

[Mollyanna]

I have been seriously dating him for almost 2 months. We are together every moment - even when he has his kids and talk on the phone 4-5 times a day. After one week, he was introducing me as his girlfriend.

 

This Sunday (after a fight with his exwife), he freaked out after a dart game where I got mad and walked away because I thought he wasn't listening to me...(threw my little baby fit). This was our first little problem we have had. I walked back to him 2-3 minutes later and apologized for walking away, and suddenly he starts freaking out and says he isn't ready for this - that he just couldn't do this anymore. After he calmed down, we still went to his house and that night he talked a lot more about how she had hurt him during the divorce. The next day we went to dinner and a movie and everything seemed fine. That night he stayed with me and we even talked about our trip home to visit my parents this weekend. He was excited to go. That morning (Tuesday) he kissed me goodbye and went to work. That evening when he got home from work, he broke up with me. He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship and that he didn't think we should go out anymore.

 

I talked to him 3 times yesterday and tried to convince him that he is over-reacting to a bad day. I tried to convince him that we should instead just slow down. I told him how much I care about him and that I would never hurt him. But he said that isn't possible to go back now. He says this is the best decision for him right now.

 

I am so heartbroken. All I have done for 2 days is cry and cry and cry. What can I do??? I don't want to lose him.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi Mollyanna,

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. My heart goes out to you.

 

I was just wondering since you two have been dating for only two months, how long has it been since his previous divorce? Sometimes people can carry baggage (past hurt/feelings) into their next relationship. Especially if they start dating fairly quickly. That's what they call "rebound" relationships.

 

It seems that he is highly scared of being hurt again, that's why he won't allow himself to get intimately (emotionally/mentally) attached to you. If he hasn't had a decent amount of time to heal past wounds, he is going to carry them into the next relationship he enters (you).

 

I would just allow him some space and time to heal and let him sort out all his past feelings. Because pushing someone who isn't ready to commit (calling, emailing, etc) might only push them further away.

[Mollyanna]

Thanks for responding so quickly. This is a really difficult day...

 

They separated around Christmas 2002 and her new boyfriend moved in that week....

Their divorce was final May 2003 and she remarried a month later.

 

I know that I should give him space and try not to talk to him anymore but I can't do it! In fact, I just got off the phone with him! I paged him and he called right back. We even joked around a little bit and talked about some of our friends. Then I said what I called to say - that I was sorry for being so selfish and only thinking about my feelings - not what he was going through right now. But then, i started saying that I wish we could go back to the way things were before Sunday and how I wish we could just slow it all down. (He sat there in silence.) I said it was difficult that he didn't even act like this was a difficult decision for him - that he didn't even act like he would miss me.

 

He said of course he would miss me, but he just needed some time. But how do I stop talking to him??? He says he wants to remain friends but how is that possible??? My heart will break everytime I see him, but I can't live a day without him either!

[morrigan]

A lot of people have felt the pain and hurt you're feeling right now. Unfortunately, you are going to have to accept the fact that he does not feel prepared to deal with a full relationship at this time.

 

I know how terrible this is making you feel. But if he has realized that he is not ready to be seriously involved with you after dating two months, you have to respect his wishes. The breakup of his marriage and the divorce are probably still a source of stress to him, and if he feels this way, he's probably not ready to be with anyone right now--you or any other woman. It's better that it happened two months into your relationship, rather than two years down the line.

 

There's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better about this breakup, and there's nothing you can do to change his mind but allow him to live his life. If you feel it would cause you pain to be friends with this guy, I'd suggest you not be in contact with him for several months. Put the focus on your life--friends, family, hobbies. Best of luck!

[Leikela]

It's been a little over a year since they separated and not even a year since the divorce was finalized. That is seriously not long at all when you're talking about emotionally healing. He is no where near being over the devastation of his marriage. He even told you that his ex-wife really hurt him and no doubt he's still trying to get over that. Also, no doubt that a part of him still loves her.

 

I would listen to what he's saying and give him the space he asks for. He's realizing he is not emotionally ready to handle a relationship right now and the fact that he knows that and is taking action is a good thing. Many guys would stay in the relationship and things would only get worse. You're better off the way things are.

 

I know it hurts and isn't fair but you have to make a choice. Can you remain just his friend and wait in the wings so to speak? If not, then a clean break would be adviseable. I am sorry you are hurting. I think he saved you from more heartache in the future. Perhaps when he's ready, you'll rekindle what you had before.

[Mollyanna]

It IS difficult to see that he did a good thing by identifying that he wasn't ready. But why can't we just slow it down? Why does it have to be completely over? i really feel if we wouldn't have rushed things so much (spent every moment together when we weren't at work and even then talked on the phone and emailed all day) that we would still have had a chance. It was REALLY GOOD between us. I have never experienced anything quite like it.

 

I keep hoping that he will call back in a couple of days or weeks and say that he over-reacted and wants to try and work something out. Do you think there is a chance or am I just holding on to false hopes? I mean, isn't there a middle ground somewhere?

[FreeMe]

I can understand and sympathise with what you're going through right now. I'm in a similar situation and my boyfriend and I may end up breaking up for awhile. So believe me that I know how difficult it is. But, unfortunately you're going to have force yourself not to contact him at all. Don't say you "can't" as if you have no control over your own actions. Find other things to do. Keep yourself busy. Walk away from the phone if you're tempted to call him or call a friend instead. Do anything to keep away from him. If you don't you're going to push him away and make him angry at you. If you can stay away then maybe a few months from now he'll be ready to see you. I wouldn't live for that, but you have more of a chance with him that way then you do by pursuing him now when he's told you he's not ready.

[Leikela]

Unfortunately slowing things down doesn't do any good either. He needs 100% of his emotional energy to himself. He cannot be connected to or tied down right now to another person. Progress can only take place when totally alone to face the demons he needs to face and then rectify his own feelings by himself.

 

Trust us when we say he spared you furture heartache. For now, I would say to BELIEVE in what you had with him. If it was truly as good as you say, then maybe in the future, when he's ready, you'll pick up where you left off. There is no sense dwelling on "what might have been" or "if we only did it differently" etc, because you cannot change that now. You are where you are, regardless.

 

Pick up your chin, and your heart and try to move on. We cannot tell you if there's any hope. That is entirely up to HIM. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. If it was meant to be, you guys will find a way, when the time is right.

[Mollyanna]

I am just gonna miss him so much. I can't even imagine what the weekend is going to be like without him. EVERYTHING reminds me of him so I have exciled myself to my house. I don't want to leave and run into anyone who will ask me where he is or ask how we are doing. We also have a lot of mutual friends and mutual places we hang out so chances are I might run into him or someone that knows and I will break down in front of them.

 

When am I going to stop crying? I have been hurt before - plenty of times - but never this much over someone I have only known for 3 months and only dated for 2. I have to go back to work on Monday. How will I manage? I am a teacher. How can I stand up in front of a class and exude confidence when inside I am melting away with hurt and anger?

[Leikela]

Mollyanna, I can feel your pain, really I can. You obviously care for him so so much. It hurts so much when we loose something we cherish so deeply. Focus on the good times you and he had together. Focus on the notion that maybe he'll realize a little while down the road that he was confused and really wants to be with you regardless.

 

This weekend, focus on your sadness and watch sappy movies, and cry, cry, cry. It helps to get it all out. Also, it helps some people to just sit and write out everything that they are feeling. Release all that grief and hold on to that shred of hope that someday you guys will be together again. That's really all you can do. I wish you well! It will get easier!

[FreeMe]

When you're at work you have to put it out of your mind and concentrate on what you're doing. You have to do it - you have to find the strength.

 

You'll stop crying when you just can't freaking breathe anymore - it always works for me!! LOL - Eventually my sinuses will hurt so much and I can't breathe right and I just have to stop.

 

What do you like to do? What did you do on weekends before you started seeing him? I read a lot so I can bury myself in a novel or mystery to keep from thinking about something.

[geniej]

I know how you feel, I am going through a similar situation with someone that I've dated on and off for 2 1/2 years. He still has issues of his past divorce. I thought he was ready because he even had a girl live with him before I met him. But unfortunately, at my expense, he isn't over his past. He's over his ex, just not the issues. I'm the one paying the price. But, stay home and cry, do what you have to do. Read a book and escape into that world temporarily just to get bye. I promise you, you don't want him back unless he is 100% sure that you are the one. Mine said I was several times and he still broke up with me last week. It doesn't matter to him how great things were between ya'll, if his goal is to get out of that relationship, then that is what he will do. Let him go, make him worry what you are doing. He'll need you again to boost his ego.

[reservoirdog1]

I can guess how he feels, by extrapolating how I feel now in my situation and projecting it forward about a year.

 

After a 7-year marriage, TBXW sat me down in August and told me she'd been unhappy the whole time, and had had three affairs. I never knew about any of this. We separated at the beginning of November and have talked a few times about reconciling but aren't going to.

 

A couple of weeks ago I found out she's contemplating moving in with the guy she's dating in a few months. This really messed me up. If they announce they're getting married, that'll probably mess me up too.

 

Until about a week ago, I'd been dating a woman for about 2 months. I broke it off with her -- it wasn't fair for me to make her think I was ready to commit when I clearly wasn't.

 

It's monstrously unfair, the whole thing. Not only for you, but for him. I know how he feels. TBXW and I are in different places -- I spent seven years in a long-term, committed relationship and only found out six months ago that it wasn't what it seemed. TBXW hasn't been in the same relationship -- she started "mourning" our marriage four years ago, but had to put that on hold when she got pregnant with our son. In some ways (though not entirely, I'm sure) she's already over this -- after being miserable in a relationship for so long, I'm sure it's great to find herself in one that makes her happy.

 

People get over things like this at different rates. You have to give him the space he needs. If you're OK with it, see if you can stay friends with him, i.e. not just in the "can we still be friends" sense, but actually spending time together occasionally. Bear in mind that he will, however, be free to date other women. You have to decide what you're comfortable with. But ultimately, he's still damaged, as I am. Hard though it is, try to understand and know that he's not trying to hurt you. I was fortunate in that the woman I was dating was, though saddened and disappointed when I ended things, very understanding, and we're still friends.

[Mollyanna]

I want to be his friend. I don't want to say Goodbye to him. But I am worried that I will always be waiting for something more. And then when he is ready to date again and doesn't pick me - i will be devastated. He said he has remained friends with everyone he has ever dated. But I never heard of any of them. I don't want to be the one he calls "friend" and only sends Christmas cards to but never has a real part in his life.

 

In the back of my mind all this time, I can't help but think maybe this isn't just about him not being ready. I mean, maybe he just isn't ready for ME. If he thought I was really worth it, wouldn't he fight to hold on to me, no matter how difficult it would be? Why would he just give up after our first little bump in the road? Maybe I am just not the relationship type. Maybe I am just meant to be alone.

[reservoirdog1]

I understand how you're feeling. The problem is, you'll likely never know the answer. One of the reasons he may have broken up with you is that, on one level, he wants to find somebody who is like his wife, only without the "bad stuff." I know what that's like, and right now I'm questioning whether I should be dating anybody at all, given how much I have to get over and how new it all is.

 

But you can't allow yourself to question your worth based on whether or not this particular guy fought to keep you. He's not the yardstick you should use -- he's damaged, and needs to heal before he can be that yardstick and be like "normal" guys.

 

There's a hell of a lot of stuff going through his head right now. I know that's true of me. On a weird, emotional level, I keep thinking that TBXW and I should try again -- even though my parents and friends and everybody else think it's a recipe for disaster. (Objectively, they're probably right.) She and I have talked about this, but she is happy with her new guy, who supposedly knows everything about her past, and to her it's easier to continue with something new and not surrounded by scorched earth, rather than trying to rebuild from the ruins of our marriage. She's also told me that, after being a liar and a cheater for so long, she's trying to change her life. That's all fine I suppose, but the question I keep asking myself is, why should this OTHER guy get the benefit of her newfound commitment to fidelity and honesty? Why was there never any of that for me? Why am I the poor sucker who gets stuck with nothing but his memories of a fraudulent marriage? So, it's a combination of feeling like she owes it to me to work to fix the marriage, and a residual feeling of possessiveness and territoriality.

 

I'm only outlining the above to give you an idea of the kind of messed-up sh*t he's dealing with. To you, it was a bump on the road, but there's a hell of a lot going through his mind that you don't see.

 

You clearly are the relationship type, because you want that. You weren't the problem in the relationship with him -- HE was. The very same thing is true of me. The woman I was dating for two months is sweet, honest, genuine, and thinks the world of me. But -- and this is the perverse thing -- she's not my TBXW. And in spite of all the rotten sh*t TBXW did to me, I still on one level want to try again and make the marriage work. The problem in my 2-month relationship with this other woman was ME, not her.

 

Don't conclude through this experience that you're meant to be alone. You aren't. You just happened to fall for the wrong guy at the wrong point in his life, and that's nobody's fault. Don't beat yourself up or think there's something wrong with you, and don't be too hard on him either. You can't imagine the emotional turmoil he's going through unless you experience it yourself. And on top of all that, he probably feels very guilty for breaking up with you and feels like he led you on. But the best thing you can do right now is take time for yourself, grieve for your own loss, and move on. You won't be alone forever. Trust me on this.

[Mollyanna]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your concern and your advice. I am not sure I would have gotten through today without it. You have given me a lot of good stuff to think about.

 

Thinking more about his feelings have really calmed me down a lot and I haven't cried quite as hard or as long - although the crying spells are still coming every hour or so. Every little thing is setting me off. I threw something away and saw the beer bottle that he had drank out of on Monday. The towel he used on Tuesday morning (the day he broke up with me) was still hanging on the shower door. I found ticket stubs from last Wednesday, a mood ring we won at the arcade on our first date, and even worse - there is a package at my clubhouse office - it is one of the presents that I bought him for Valentine's Day that came late. Even laying in this bed, in this room - reminds me of him. Everytime the phone rings, my heart jumps. I have went over and over every memory for the past week trying to find where this all went horribly wrong.

 

And now I am angry. I know that is a good sign to the healing process - but then I feel guilty for being angry and I am still sad too.

 

I am angry because up until the day before he broke up with me, he talked like we were going to be together for a long while. He was still planning on THAT DAY to go on a trip to my Mom and Dad's this weekend to meet them. THAT DAY he called from work and joked around with me and acted as if nothing was wrong. We talked about our trip to Alabama to see his brother next week. A few hours later he breaks up with me???

 

I am angry that I pushed him that evening to tell me what was wrong. Something just didn't feel right with that conversation. I wish I never would have said "It feels like you are avoiding telling me something" and then out he came with it!

 

I am angry that he brought me into his children's lives and I grew to love them and now will never see them again.

 

I am angry that during the week he was supposedly thinking of breaking up with me that he made me feel safe and secure in our relationship.

 

I am even more angry that he made this decision without talking to me about his feelings first. Once I knew he was feeling unsure, it was too late to talk about it. His mind was already made up!

 

And worse, I am angry that yesterday I told him all of this and also all of the reasons why I would miss him in a long emotional email and a few phone calls. I mean, if he wasn't scared before of emotional turmoil - he is really scared now and I have probably ruined any chance of him changing his mind.

[reservoirdog1]

You're not wrong to feel angry. And while his actions and words were objectively unfair insofar as they seemingly played with your emotions, I can understand why he did those things. (This is an explanation, not an excuse.) More than anything, I suspect he was trying to "force" himself to not be bothered by his ex-wife moving on. That led him to talk about future plans with you, joke around, and convince you (and himself) that everything was fine. He didn't want to acknowledge how unhappy the stuff about his ex made him feel – more likely than not, he wanted to convince himself that it was all in the past, and that she no longer had any kind of emotional hold on him.

 

Unfortunately – and I know this from experience – a person can only keep up that kind of front for so long. In so many cases, the front is deceptively flimsy and can easily come crashing down. In time, he will stop caring about what happens in his ex's life. But that time hasn't come yet.

 

I wish I had something more encouraging to say because I know you're hurting. The woman I broke things off with a week and a half ago is hurting as well, and I feel bad about that. But it would only have hurt her more if I'd allowed it to go on longer, and that would have been even more unfair to her.

 

If you allow yourself to stay friends with him but decide you can date other people, you may reach a point down the road where he's healed and you two can try again. And if you've moved on somewhat, then it won't hurt as much if that doesn't happen. Assume that it won't, but don't shut yourself off to the possibility that it might. If it's meant to be, you guys will find a way. Stay strong…

[Mollyanna]

Last night my friend calls me and tells me that she wants me to come up the bar we all hang out in. I refused. I am not ready to face the world yet. She then tells me that he is there. I got upset all over again. I mean how can he go out and have fun with our mutual friends while I am sitting here in agony? We should have been there together. I am really upset and cry and cry on the phone to my friend. She is angry at him for hurting me and says so many times. This morning she calls and says she talked to him last night and was so drunk that she doesn't remember what she said. I had to do damage control (or it was just an excuse to contact him, I don't know...) I paged him. He called back a few minutes later. She didnt really say anything wrong according to him. Then we talked for an hour!

 

At the end of the conversation, I found out the following:

I can get through a conversation with him without crying.

I can laugh with him and enjoy his company.

 

And then I got some hope... He said it was the fight with his ex that set off all these emotions. He thought he was ready until that fight. He realizes he still has a long way to go. This week, after he broke up with me, he tried to get her to agree to meet with him for coffee sometime so they could talk about what went wrong. (it was such a whirlwind thing that happened so fast). He needs closure. She has been hesistant to give it to him in the past, but now he is really pushing it. It is time. And he is going to go back to the divorce counselor that he used to see also. And Res.Dog - you were right about him forcing this with me. He was trying to pretend nothing was wrong. He admitted that to me today. He was trying to force this when he just wasn't ready.

 

I told him I wish that I had met him a year from now.. and he piped up right away and said - "well, you never know what might happen.." I am not sure how to take that. I want to take it that he hasn't closed the door on us yet. So I asked him, when he was ready to date again, maybe could we try again? And he said that is possible.

 

I am scared to wait this out though. I waited on a guy for 2 years one time. (someone I worked with who i was forbidden to see because he was my supervisor). I waited for him to switch departments for 2 years. In the meantime, we flirted and talked on the phone and email and got together only twice.) In the end, when I finally switched departments - he chose someone else - another girl we worked with. And he didn't care if anyone knew about it. She quit her job to be with him. I put myself through hell in those 2 years waiting for him. Can I do it again - even if it is just for 6 months or so?

 

I feel a little bit better today - have only cried twice so far...

Thank You! This is helping so much. All my friends are doing is trying to make me go out and get out of this house. I'm just not ready. Today I got from the bedroom to the living room. Babysteps...

[FreeMe]

reservoirdog1 - those were some excellent posts.

 

Mollyanna - the key is NOT to WAIT for him, but to get on with your life and IF you happen to be available when he is ready and he does call you, then you'll have a chance. If you're not available when/if he calls sometime, then hopefully it's because you've found someone who is available and who you're happy with.

[Mollyanna]

I don't want to go through this with anyone else. I am tired of getting to know people and trying to figure out who is the liar, the deceiver, the player, the cheater, the abuser, the manipulator. I have seen it all... and I am so sick of being hurt. I thought He was the one I have been waiting for. I had only known him a few months and yet I felt like this was the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I told everyone that. I am not too young and niave. I am 31 and have been through so much. I know what I feel. And now I have to accept that is over??? I can't do that! Because accepting it means that I am either doomed to end up with someone like all the other losers who cross my path or be alone forever.

 

I want him. I need him.

[Mollyanna]

Oh I can't believe what I did last night... I went out with my friends - they made me go because I have hibernated all week in my room and haven't went anywhere - not even work. Then I got really emotionally and silly drunk. At first it was just what I needed. I was laughing and smiling and not thinking of him so much. Then I got too drunk and ended up calling him and asking him to pick me up. He did. When he asked me "Where to?" in the car, I said I wanted to sleep in his chair if that was OK. He said it was and we went to his house. As soon as I saw him, I cheered up and became quite silly and fun and we laughed and joked around a lot just like old times. Except for the huggy, kissy, touchy, feely stuff. And that was awkward. I wouldn't even sit with him in the chair (lounge chair for 2 people), because I kept telling him that I wasn't allowed to be near him anymore. So while we played video games like two little kids until 5 AM this morning, I sat on the floor in front of him. (I didn't want to sit in the other chair - it was too far away from him.) Then after video games, I told him I wanted to go to sleep, but he was in the chair that I was going to sleep in. He told me to get in with him, so I did... We fell right asleep, nothing happened more than just a little flirting. And again - it was a little awkward.

 

This morning, I woke up at 11AM and he was gone. I went into his room and there he was watching TV. He said he had only been awake about an hour and had sat with me and watched tv for a while (not that I noticed...) So I sat on his bed and watched TV and we hung out in his room until 2PM today. I fully expected him to wake up and take me home, but he didn't. What does this all mean? Is he just trying to be a good friend? Oh God, I kept waiting for some sort of sign from him that he still wanted me as more than just a friend. When he did finally take me to my car, I hugged him and started to cry. I told him I hadn't done so well already by giving him some space and that I would try harder.

 

I still can't believe he picked me up and took me to his house when he knew that the reason I was drunk was because I was upset about him.

 

Can someone please tell me what you think any of this means? And is it a good idea to hang out with him like this?? I LOVED being with him and I would love to do it again in the future. Even though it was a little weird. But will it ruin my chances of him coming back to me later when he is ready? Will he just start to think of me as just a friend and not a romantic pursuit?

[schatzi]

I am sorry that you are in such pain.

When a man says "he is not ready for a relationship" that translate he doesen;t want a relationship with you.

 

It is harsh but true.

Give him space and work on yourself and find out why you behave the way you do. This is about you, not him.

[Vivid_29]

Molly - You really need to cut all contact between the two of you. You are only hurting yourself, my dear.

 

Regarding his behavior --- Although, he may not want a relationship with you, he still wants to have you around, because he is probably feeling guilty for leaving you. He probably still cares for you and wants to make sure that you are OK. 'One will not step off a rock, without having their foot firmly planted on the next'.

 

Please ----- leave him alone and give him his space, indefinately. Keep doing what you are doing -- going out with your friends and getting sh**faced and having fun. That's what you need to do. Just have fun and enjoy being you.

 

Don't show him that you are hurting. Show him that you can walk away, nonchalantly, and live your life without him. Meet new people -- date new people. Although, it won't guarantee you winning him back, doing the above will give you major points. You never know. If he sees you happy and living your life without him, he may realize that it was a mistake for letting you go.

 

He needs his space and now is not the right time for the both of you. Put him behind you and keep your head up. Live your life like there is no tomorrow!

 

~Vivid_29

[Mollyanna]

Vivid: Thank You. I know I need to leave him alone but it is SOOOO difficult. I just spent the last 3 months (1 as a friend and 2 as a girlfriend) talking to him EVERY SINGLE DAY, 3-4 times a day when I wasn't in town because of work - and the remainder of the time WITH him in person. This was my first weekend without him. I couldn't handle it.

 

schatzi: I was starting to feel a little bit better today until I read your post. How is this my fault? I have been blaming myself for days and yesterday finally came to understand that it isn't my fault. Today you blame me. Now I am second guessing everything again...

[havehope31]

Originally posted by schatzi

I am sorry that you are in such pain.

When a man says "he is not ready for a relationship" that translate he doesen;t want a relationship with you.

 

It is harsh but true.

Give him space and work on yourself and find out why you behave the way you do. This is about you, not him.

 

You really shouldn't do anything for him. You should only concentrate on doing what makes you happy. I have been recently broken up with on Valentine's Day of all days, but I can only really concentrate on what I can do for myself. It is hard to imagine yourself without someone and I know you feel that you would want him to not be able to live without you, but unfortunately we can't read other's minds nor should we want to. There is so much life to be lived. I don't mean to get religious or death thinking but I often ask myself this question. What if you knew that today would be your last day on earth? Would you look back on it knowing that you only thought of this one person who obviously hurt you or would you rather spend it doing something for you? I would hate to think that I spent my last day feeling badly or anger towards another.