How to appropriately reconcile with family...without bringing up the past.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Hey there, I will try to not make this too long.

 

A year and a half ago I was at a family gathering with my parents, brother, and sis in law. The brother and I got into it. He and I have not ever had a good relationship and he had bullied me for years. He said something really rude and although I'm usually a peacemaker, I had had it after years of b.s. from him. So I yelled at him much to the surprise of the rest of the family. This had been years in coming.

 

This was right before Easter 09. My dad texted me about visiting for Easter. I said if my brother was going to be there I wasn't interested in going and thought that the next holiday I would visit. He told me that if I chose not to come up that I would make "further holidays lonely" for myself. My mom chipped in to say, that if I didn't come that my "brother would be the one chosen to attend," and not me. This of course really upset me. A few weeks later Mother's Day rolled around. I sent a card. Four days later I received the card back in the mail. This was so hurtful to me that I simply stopped communicating with them. I couldn't believe she would do such a thing.

 

All of 09 passes. Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around and I spend it with friends and extended family. No word, no nothing. By this point I'm still feeling hurt in general, and upset about everything that happened. A slight backstory to all of this is that for years an abundance of stuff had been said to me: That I was too fat to come home and an embarrassment, that I was lazy, "Just a teacher," uninteresting, etc. Years of this crap compounded with the events that happened with my brother had me severely depressed.

 

March '10, my grandpa dies. I reach out and call my mom (it was her dad). We talk briefly. We talk some more, briefly and superficially, in the following months.

 

Flash forward to yesterday. Out of the blue my mom calls and invites me down to their house in the upcoming weeks (partially to see my grandma who will be visiting.) I was shocked. I knew at some point that the "past" was going to come up and so she asked me why I was so angry at my dad and her. I told her why. She then told me why she had been angry at me, she said that I had "missed a lot of things," that I should have been a part of. I told her I understood that but I didn't apologize for anything except for the fact that I felt so much time had passed that I just didn't know what to say if I were to reach out and talk to them. See, after my granddad died in March, I wasn't angry anymore just sad. During this whole time, might I add, (and I just found out yesterday) that my dad had prostate cancer (he is okay now). I hadn't been in contact with them, so my mom didn't think to tell me about it. I told her I'm sorry he was unwell but honestly I didn't know what else to say.

 

We ended the conversation deciding that we were going to "put a lid" on the past and start fresh. That we are going to take a step in the right direction so to speak. I am supposed to see them in a couple of weeks and while it might be nice I am worried because I still have some residual hurt left over from the past. They won't admit wrongdoing and I have admitted what I think that I have done wrong. I don't want to fight with them or be at odds, and want some sort of reconciliation....but not sure how to proceed in a way that protects me too. Help.

[sb129]

Families!

 

Can't choose em, can't shoot em.

 

Your mother and father shouldn't have got involved in the fight between you and your brother. They chose sides, which isn't fair.

And returning the mothers day card is just juvenile.

 

Are you going to be staying with them?

 

Why don't you write your mother a letter?

Don't make it about her or your brother, make it about you and your feelings and why you feel the way you do. Mention the stuff you said about the hurtful comments and how upset you were at the returning of the card and the lack of communication over the holidays.

Try and keep the tone neutral rather than accusatory, and end it with saying how you do want a reconciliation and a fresh start. You could also mention that for that to happen its a two way street? Not sure about that.

 

The ball is in her court then. She can reply, she may not acknowledge it at all, but I guarantee YOU will feel better about getting it all out.

 

I wrote my father a looooong letter after he died about many unresolved issues we had. Even though he didn't actually read it, the physical act of getting it down on paper was very therapeutic.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Good suggestion. However, I actually was able to tell her yesterday just how I felt about everything. But it isn't in her nature to apologize for anything at all. She's the same way with my other sister that she talks to. She just simply says, "We all make mistakes." So I think yesterday was as good as a first step as any. We were both calm and respectful. (And trust me it isnt usually like that.) So yeah. I just don't know the next step. I'm nervous to trust it.

[sb129]

As annoying as it is when others won't apologise (my father was like that and it turns out my husband isn't so good at it either) you can't make them do it, so ultimately you have to be the bigger person and let it go. Easier said than done, i know.

 

You have to make peace with it for your own sake now I guess.

You have extended the branch and told her how you feel. Rest is up to her.

 

Write the letter anyway, and burn it. I didn't use to believe in that kind of stuff, but writing that letter to my dad was so great, I felt as if I had made peace with him. Apparently the trick is to get rid of it though so you can't ever go back to it and re-read it because thats when you can end up re-opening wounds and getting mad all over again.

A MC gave me that idea, and he said it can work on lots of situations.

 

If your mother brings anything up again, just remind her that you have agreed not to go down that path again and that you aren't going to bite.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I think that telling her that I won't go down that path is a good idea. She tends to revisit things anyway and trying to figure out all of the wrongs/rights/tit for tats is not going to help anything. I just want to move on. And as for the letter, I think I wrote one awhile back. I think I need to go back and re read it. And then delete it.

[DaisyLeigh]

She should be grateful that you even grace her with your presence after the bull**** she and your dad have pulled.

[amerikajin]

As I have found out myself over the years, family dynamics are complex even under the best of circumstances. I think it's because there's a history with family. There are roles that people play in family. Families aren't comfortable when people change and try to step out of those roles. But an individual has to decide for whom he lives.

 

A year and a half ago I was at a family gathering with my parents, brother, and sis in law. The brother and I got into it. He and I have not ever had a good relationship and he had bullied me for years. He said something really rude and although I'm usually a peacemaker, I had had it after years of b.s. from him. So I yelled at him much to the surprise of the rest of the family. This had been years in coming.

 

You were right to stand your ground.

 

This was right before Easter 09. My dad texted me about visiting for Easter. I said if my brother was going to be there I wasn't interested in going and thought that the next holiday I would visit. He told me that if I chose not to come up that I would make "further holidays lonely" for myself. My mom chipped in to say, that if I didn't come that my "brother would be the one chosen to attend," and not me. This of course really upset me. A few weeks later Mother's Day rolled around. I sent a card. Four days later I received the card back in the mail. This was so hurtful to me that I simply stopped communicating with them. I couldn't believe she would do such a thing.

 

I don't agree with what your parents did but I understand it. They have ignored or been oblivious to your brother's bullying for years and they don't want to acknowledge it. They want to pretend like they have raised a strong, cohesive family. Ever family wants to believe this, and it's unpleasant when you try to show them that their perception of reality is different from yours. Try not to take it too, too personally, although I can understand that this is easier said than done. Maybe in your next discussion you could make it a point to redirect the focus. Just say, it's not your parents (they've done a great job of raising you, yada yada), but it's your brother (needs to mature and stop bullying). I think if you explicitly put the focus on him that might clear things up and you could help them help you.

 

All of 09 passes. Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around and I spend it with friends and extended family. No word, no nothing. By this point I'm still feeling hurt in general, and upset about everything that happened. A slight backstory to all of this is that for years an abundance of stuff had been said to me: That I was too fat to come home and an embarrassment, that I was lazy, "Just a teacher," uninteresting, etc. Years of this crap compounded with the events that happened with my brother had me severely depressed.

 

Your brother is angry. Probably has issues with his own self-esteem. It's impossible not to take it personally, but try to see it for what it is. Unfortunately, you cannot help him see himself, but maybe your parents can. Hopefully you can get them as allies, though try not to get them to take firm positions. Just get them to ask and probe and get him to understand that he can't communicate with you like that.

 

March '10, my grandpa dies. I reach out and call my mom (it was her dad). We talk briefly. We talk some more, briefly and superficially, in the following months.

 

You did the right thing here.

 

Flash forward to yesterday. Out of the blue my mom calls and invites me down to their house in the upcoming weeks (partially to see my grandma who will be visiting.) I was shocked. I knew at some point that the "past" was going to come up and so she asked me why I was so angry at my dad and her. I told her why. She then told me why she had been angry at me, she said that I had "missed a lot of things," that I should have been a part of. I told her I understood that but I didn't apologize for anything except for the fact that I felt so much time had passed that I just didn't know what to say if I were to reach out and talk to them. See, after my granddad died in March, I wasn't angry anymore just sad. During this whole time, might I add, (and I just found out yesterday) that my dad had prostate cancer (he is okay now). I hadn't been in contact with them, so my mom didn't think to tell me about it. I told her I'm sorry he was unwell but honestly I didn't know what else to say.

 

I would maybe write a letter (an email is okay but a handwritten one would be better). Explain that you've thought about this whole thing and that you want to redirect it. This is not really about them; it's about you and your brother. It's about self-respect. You felt that they were taking sides when they were just trying to keep the family together. Maybe you could apologize for misunderstanding that part of it, but don't you dare apologize for standing up for yourself when it comes to your brother. Maybe another solution to this is just to occasionally attend a family gathering and then have other gatherings when your brother won't be there.

 

We ended the conversation deciding that we were going to "put a lid" on the past and start fresh. That we are going to take a step in the right direction so to speak. I am supposed to see them in a couple of weeks and while it might be nice I am worried because I still have some residual hurt left over from the past. They won't admit wrongdoing and I have admitted what I think that I have done wrong. I don't want to fight with them or be at odds, and want some sort of reconciliation....but not sure how to proceed in a way that protects me too. Help.

 

My advice. Right now, don't try to force the issue. There is time for them to come around. They don't have to apologize right away, but you don't have to be all buddy, buddy either. I would go there without expecting an apology, but have an escape plan in case your brother or family gets out of hand. The thing that sucks is that your brother knows that the family is against you, so he may try to exploit that. If it were me, I would just prepare to distance myself from the brother. If he acts up, leave. Maybe your family will get the picture that you're okay with your folks, and that your brother's the problem.

[fooled once]

Hey there, I will try to not make this too long.

 

A year and a half ago I was at a family gathering with my parents, brother, and sis in law. The brother and I got into it. He and I have not ever had a good relationship and he had bullied me for years. He said something really rude and although I'm usually a peacemaker, I had had it after years of b.s. from him. So I yelled at him much to the surprise of the rest of the family. This had been years in coming.

 

This was right before Easter 09. My dad texted me about visiting for Easter. I said if my brother was going to be there I wasn't interested in going and thought that the next holiday I would visit. He told me that if I chose not to come up that I would make "further holidays lonely" for myself. My mom chipped in to say, that if I didn't come that my "brother would be the one chosen to attend," and not me. This of course really upset me. A few weeks later Mother's Day rolled around. I sent a card. Four days later I received the card back in the mail. This was so hurtful to me that I simply stopped communicating with them. I couldn't believe she would do such a thing.

 

All of 09 passes. Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around and I spend it with friends and extended family. No word, no nothing. By this point I'm still feeling hurt in general, and upset about everything that happened. A slight backstory to all of this is that for years an abundance of stuff had been said to me: That I was too fat to come home and an embarrassment, that I was lazy, "Just a teacher," uninteresting, etc. Years of this crap compounded with the events that happened with my brother had me severely depressed.

 

March '10, my grandpa dies. I reach out and call my mom (it was her dad). We talk briefly. We talk some more, briefly and superficially, in the following months.

 

Flash forward to yesterday. Out of the blue my mom calls and invites me down to their house in the upcoming weeks (partially to see my grandma who will be visiting.) I was shocked. I knew at some point that the "past" was going to come up and so she asked me why I was so angry at my dad and her. I told her why. She then told me why she had been angry at me, she said that I had "missed a lot of things," that I should have been a part of. I told her I understood that but I didn't apologize for anything except for the fact that I felt so much time had passed that I just didn't know what to say if I were to reach out and talk to them. See, after my granddad died in March, I wasn't angry anymore just sad. During this whole time, might I add, (and I just found out yesterday) that my dad had prostate cancer (he is okay now). I hadn't been in contact with them, so my mom didn't think to tell me about it. I told her I'm sorry he was unwell but honestly I didn't know what else to say.

 

We ended the conversation deciding that we were going to "put a lid" on the past and start fresh. That we are going to take a step in the right direction so to speak. I am supposed to see them in a couple of weeks and while it might be nice I am worried because I still have some residual hurt left over from the past. They won't admit wrongdoing and I have admitted what I think that I have done wrong. I don't want to fight with them or be at odds, and want some sort of reconciliation....but not sure how to proceed in a way that protects me too. Help.

 

Sometimes, you have to just let it pass. You have to stand your ground from bullies, but you also have to realize you never know how much time you have left with your parents. Additionally, each of you see this from a different angle and each believe, to a degree, they are right.

 

Personally, I would drop it. Is it more important to be right? Or more important to spend time with your family?

 

Continue to stand up and not be disrespected or bullied; but now maybe since you already erupted with all the past times of hurt at your brother, the next time you can calmly tell him not to talk to you that way; treat you like that or whatever it is, but don't cut yourself off from your family because of him.

 

Good luck!

[amerikajin]

Sometimes, you have to just let it pass. You have to stand your ground from bullies, but you also have to realize you never know how much time you have left with your parents. Additionally, each of you see this from a different angle and each believe, to a degree, they are right.

 

Personally, I would drop it. Is it more important to be right? Or more important to spend time with your family?

 

Continue to stand up and not be disrespected or bullied; but now maybe since you already erupted with all the past times of hurt at your brother, the next time you can calmly tell him not to talk to you that way; treat you like that or whatever it is, but don't cut yourself off from your family because of him.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree that blowing up was probably not the best course of action, but she at least drew a line. Sometimes, nicely telling someone that you're tired of the b.s. doesn't work. Sometimes family members will abuse their role in the family and use family against people. It's true that we don't know how much time we have left with our family, but it's a two-way street and a lot of people in families forget that.

[jimrich]

re: A year and a half ago I was at a family gathering with my parents, brother, and sis in law. The brother and I got into it. He and I have not ever had a good relationship and he had bullied me for years.

... Have you ever wondered why you are both not loving, respectful FRIENDS instead of enemies? Why didn't your parents raise, condition and train you both to be good with each other? What went wrong? Why are you both like this?

Based on my own sibling issues and mostly my memory, I can say that all my sibling issues were inspired and installed by our PARENTS! We were programed and trained to fear, dislike and punish each other as kids with the approval or examples/role modeling of our parents - them selves victims of such bad parenting. In short we were the victims of an ancient pattern of bad parenting that has been in place for many years in our family and apparently in your family also. My older brother was programed to be a bully, my little sister was conditioned as the Peacemaker and I was trained to be somewhere in between. All of this was done by our parents through role modeling and/or straight training!

 

 

"He said something really rude and although I'm usually a peacemaker, I had had it after years of b.s. from him. So I yelled at him much to the surprise of the rest of the family. This had been years in coming.

...... Yes, ever since your very first day on earth! And by now, you seem to have forgotten, as I did, exactly how and why your bad relationship developed and WHO DID IT TO YOU! The rest of your post reads like an extension of your original conditioning to have a bad relationship with members of you family all because of this long standing, unfriendly, hateful family pattern that all of you are unwittingly caught up in.

 

re: We ended the conversation deciding that we were going to "put a lid" on the past and start fresh.

.... That's noble but, IMO, you can not just ignore the past until you understand it's extreme hold and you which means you have to bring up and examine the past to see where and how you can change the present otherwise the past has the power to come up over and over and kick you in the butt when you least expect it.

 

"That we are going to take a step in the right direction so to speak.

... Do you know what step to take? How would you know how to love and respect your brother and others unless you first see why you have these problems and then somehow LEARN what you did not learn in childhood? You are going to have to stop and learn exactly how to love and respect others in your family and that means overcoming all that conditioning to NOT love and respect each other. Can you do that? When they treat you badly, can you learn how to respond better than before?

 

"I am supposed to see them in a couple of weeks and while it might be nice I am worried because I still have some residual hurt left over from the past.

.... And that deep, residual hurt has to be healed and cleared up or you will just go back to angry, resentful and hostile REACTIONS. The question might be: How can you heal all that deep, childhood hurt and pain which is interfering with your like now?

"They won't admit wrongdoing

.... That's all about DENIAL...... which is not likely to ever change since it is their #1 defense.

 

"and I have admitted what I think that I have done wrong.

... That's a good start, especially if you know what you actually did and why.

 

 

"I don't want to fight with them or be at odds, and want some sort of reconciliation....but not sure how to proceed in a way that protects me too. Help

..... One way to proceed would be to start looking for emotional solutions in books, on line or with a counselor. It's a long haul in my opinion and I spent a lot of time in counseling, therapy, support groups, books - anything I could find to first understand why I was so messed up and finally learn how to undo the family damage and reach some kind of resolution. It's a very long story but I did achieve peace with my siblings at least and it's worth it to finally understand why all this filth occurred in the first place - BAD FAMILY PATTERNS.

What I did and how I did it could take a whole book but once I got started looking for solutions, it all unfolded and has brought me to some kind of peace at 72 going on 73. I could whine about all those lost, horrible years but this joy is just good enough for now and well worth the trip even though I deeply regret that I was born into that very sick family. I have no kids so there's no one for me to pass the sickness on to or regret that I did it. If I had a child to raise, my chances of damaging it would be less but still possible based on my unconscious beliefs/behaviors. The patterns don't die over night.

Please fix your self and your past so this family sickness is not passed on to your kids.

Best wishes and good luck fixing your family dysfunctions