Decipher this please....

[fishman3226]

Just confusing....

 

I had a breakup with a woman that I can honestly say I love deeply and unreservably. She suffers from depression and has been half-assed trying to fix it since I met her.

 

I have done everythign n my power to try make her get better, I got her a job, a new place to rent, taught her to drive and so on and two weeks ago she says "I need time to find myself..."

 

A load of bollox. SHe also said to me that one of the reasons she does not want to stay is that I have two kids to which I have replied "You know me as a person that cares for you intently and someone that is good to their kids. Tell em I have limited love for you too!"

 

Now thing is that she tells me that she cares for me deeply (hell, even said loves me) and has shown many varied and mixed messages since the breakup. I know she is depressed.

 

She told me that she feels that there is a 10% chance that she may come back, and that she does not think of me as a bad person or an a##ehole or anythign and she said that I have helped her immensely in the past year.

 

She also wants to meet up a month after she moves and to be friends.

 

We share so many similar interests and hobbies and also share similar cultural heritage (we are both South AFrican descent and the circumstances of our background are VERY similar.)

 

She acknowledges that she is depresssed and that she needs help and says (though I doubt that it will happen) she will get help. I feel in myself this relationship is either one of two things:

 

1. She used me up for the past twelve months for her own gain

2. That her depression is clouding her view of something really good

 

I will give her space and time but I just wonder what I should do? I want her back now, but in a few hours maybe, later still not. I know I am upset, but alas....

[Errol]

Knowing a little about depression, I would lean toward your number 2 reason.

 

You can't make her get help - she has to do that. You have encouraged her and shown her that there is love available and around her.

 

Even if she goes to a doctor and gets meds to help and a counseling schedule - a lot of depressed people do no adhere to it and backslide a great deal. There is also a period of time to adjust to the meds (if any) and it takes a while for thereapy to do any good--if at all.

 

She could very well put you through this over and over again as she is healing. She may not intend to, or even recognize that is doing that.

 

You can talk to a doctor about depression -- many doctors / therapists also help family members understand and deal with the roller-coaster of emotions and outbursts and silences that is depression. Then you can decide if this is something you want to deal with in your life.

[UCFKevin]

She told me that she feels that there is a 10% chance that she may come back

 

THat's all I need to read.

 

Tell her to go to hell.

[lost_in_chgo]

She told me that she feels that there is a 10% chance that she may come back,

 

That's all I need to hear. She'll be back. But it might take awhile.

[dyermaker]

She told me that she feels that there is a 10% chance that she may come back, and that she does not think of me as a bad person or an a##ehole or anythign and she said that I have helped her immensely in the past year.

 

Isn't going to happen.

[Dixiecron]

Fishman,

 

I know you want to hear otherwise (i really do know) but you have to go. I've been reading this forum for a while now, and the guys that have already posted in your thread have the biggest hearts on this planet. They say you should go, and I say you should go.

 

Chalk it up to experience, NEVER call her or return a call, and do what you need to to get over it, let go, what have you...

 

Your heart says otherwise right now, but if she had TRUE LOVE for you, she would not have sent you here. Your head knows this. Let your heart follow.

[fishman3226]

OK, I thank you all for your opinions, but why do you guys think these things? Myelf, Iam thnking that I probably dont want to see her, but unfortunately I have to - the place we shared has alot of furniture and appliances that are hers and she wants to leave them behind.

 

I dont feel at the minute I can trust her with my feelings and emotions. I saw a counsellor today and she said to me that she is obviously confused and needs help. My heart says she will come back, but my head just dont know.

 

I need some validation as to why I should stay or go.

[Dixiecron]

Your heart is correct in that respect. Yes, she will be back. She will be back to mess with you some more since she is, metaphorically, an emotional vampire who wishes to feed on your kindness. You don't need garlic or a talisman, just tell her to piss off. You can do this verbally, physically (as in no hugs, push her away, etc...), or just ignore her, hard as it may be.

 

You need to find that cold place inside you to deal with the business part of separating belongings, etc.. Then you need to separate yourself from any situation in which you may see her. If you have mutual friends, then decide if those friends are worth keeping. If so, then let them know what your deal is and ask them not to put you in bad situations. If they really are your friends then they will help you.

[fishman3226]

OK Dixiecron, I can understand your point of view. I like the 'emotional vampire' line too.

 

I m going to be cold and hard to her from now on, to be honest I am starting to think of her as immature and hearltess and someone that I am better off without, regardless of all the good things we share, I can do better.

 

I dont want someone in my life to carry. Hell, I love this girl and I know she wont get anyone better than me, so it is her loss. I know she feels something for me, she will miss my compassion and love, but she can get stuffed. NO ONE is going to hurt me like she has and expect me to go "oh, that's OK."

 

I know that regardless of what I feel, one ight in the dark when her depression is bad and she is in a starnge place, she will think about me, and I hope she loses the plot and cries. Then maybe she will see I have been right all along. Am I bitter, hell yeah! Wrong? Nope.

 

If she wants me then she can try, no guarantee that I am going to go back. Yes, all her furniture is here, her name is on the lease and so on but that can easily change. A simple SMS of "come get your sh*t"and leave in the driveway will suffice.

 

I will move on, hell, I have met about 10 women online (though not physically yet) and I plan to meet one for a coffee in a few weeks. I will give some time to grieve catch up with some mates and so on and do some things that I WANT TO.

 

And if her 'enlightening' involved sitting about with her loser friends in bars and her emotionally void family watching cable telly then so be it. Should open a whole new world for her........

 

Sometimes things aint meant to be. Sometimes they are but are wrong. Sometimes people are just plain stupid and dumb. I know I would have made this work, she is just to lazy.

[Dixiecron]

Cool, but be careful with the dating bit. I don't know whether you're the sort to get over things quickly or not, but it can be a mistake to get into a new relationship or even just start dating too quickly. Basically what happens is you just transfer your feelings to someone new, and then end up hurting the new girl because you may not have resolved your feelings for the last one. Do a google search on "rebound relationship" and start reading.

 

Make sure you can look at new women with new eyes, instead of through the filter of your past relationship (like problems trusting, etc.). Don't end up telling the first girl you start dating that you need time and space Just take things slow for a while. Your last girlfriend used you. Don't lead on another woman and use her to get over your breakup. And think of the good side: Now that this has happened, you will see her type coming a mile away once you are back in the game again.

 

I'm picking up some bitterness in your last post too. Don't do anything silly to get revenge, the universe will take care of that if she has it coming. When you stop feeling bitter and feel sad about the way she is, then you are on the right track to being ready for a new relationship.

[fishman3226]

I am bitter, but also resigned to the fact of her moving out. I have good days and bad days at the moment. Right now she is not here, I have moved things around so she can see when she comes home that I aint gonna sit back and wallow, I plan to move on.

 

I miss her already, I still want her in my life, but I have to come to a stage where I think do I or dont I? If she came home tonight and said; 'oops, I changed my mind' I would ask her to leave (cause my new roomie moves in tomorrow) but if she wants me back then knowing me I would say yes. Reason is simple: the good FAR outweighs the bad. OK, she may have used me and I do believe it to an extent, but also I think that it was not intentional.

 

I could be worse of if I did get back, maybe not too. I am not one to sit about and wallow in distress and think forever, but I am also not gonna sit there and feel that I had an opportunity and did not take it.

 

My Aunty and Uncle had a similar thing when they started going out some 20 years ago. They still are together and have 2 kids.

 

I wish I could see into time. Maybe I will hold her again, maybe not. I may look at this in 10 years and say "OK...."

 

Things happen for a reason, what it is, I dont know.

[elle]

Hi Fisherman

been reading this thread just be careful its easier to think and say things when you havent seen the other person for a while I just about get things straight like thats it hes never coming back but when I see him again its all upin the air again. He spends half his time trying to get away from me and the other half trying to get back and im on the merry go round in the middle.

 

6 weeks later and I feel stronger (if I take a few days at a time and try not to look to the future without him)

Dixie is right be careful with the dating thing especially on line

 

Its easy to say sever all contact but thats not always possible especially if you have kids and a life that was tied together

 

Anyway keep your chin up at least you live in a sunny country think of me in raining cold England!

[fishman3226]

The plot thickens..

 

Last night was supposed to be (maybe it still is) the last night we spend together. A short collection of quotes:

 

When asked "do you want someone in your life to support and help you grow?" I was answered "yes."

 

When asked "do you thnk that I have done that?" I was answered "yes."

 

When asked "do you still love me?" I was answered "yes."

 

When asked "is the door still open for us?" The answer was "yes."

 

I also copped statements like "I know this wont be our last night together" and I was told that I am physically attrative and mentally strong (though I dont feel it at the moment...)

 

Also there was statements abot how we "have to be" good friends.

 

Add in the physical messages associated with cuddling - not idle hugs to placate my feelings - and I know in my heart she will come back. Dont mean I understand any of this rot. I want her to stay (we are living together) but she is stubborn. Last night I feel she nearly said "OK" to staying.

 

Must be rememebr she has decided that after a month we will meet up and that all her furniture is still here. SHe has made many reasons to be in contact.

 

Any thoughts?

[Dixiecron]

Yes, she said all those things, but she is still leaving. Actions speak louder than words. She knows that if she answers "no" to any of those questions, she can't keep you around to provide her with "emotional blood". Remember what I said about vampires?

 

Your aunt and uncle are not you and your girl. Did your aunt suffer from depression? If not, their relationship has nothing to do with yours.

 

I swear your EX (get used to that) and mine must have some kind of mental bond across the Pacific. I heard that same crap from my ex. Life gets better, but it takes time. Take a day or two off (when you know she won't be around) then wallow in it until it passes. Let your boss, coworkers and close friends know you're going through a tough time, so they won't worry so much (or fire you). Drink yourself silly, howl at the moon, whatever. Let it happen, and let it out. The longer you fight it, the harder it gets and the more damage to the rest of your life you will do. Take care of yourself, not her. She has made it clear through her actions that she does not care about you.

 

 

Elle,

 

cheers, just a few months until spring! And when we're enjoying the sun (well maybe not in England) Fishman will be enjoying winter down under! I myself will say a prayer that he will enjoy cuddling up in the rainy season with a nice young lady who is not f**ked in the head...

[fishman3226]

Hear what you say, but I also read this..

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

I have seen and heard her words of affection and intimacy. The hugs, looks, kisses and so on. She also said that come a few weeks she will see what she really has and probably come back. She said that either way she wants me as a friend.

 

I aint under any illusion that it will be clear cut nor easy - hell, I think that it may not happen - but if she came back - IF she came back - then I know I would have a go. She has one chance if she wants to come to try and make it work and only then if she works at her depression.

 

I wonder how accurate the 'emotional vampire' thing is? I told her that term and she broke down crying. I also plan that if nothing eventuates between u, that is she dont want a relationship then CYA later. All or none..

 

I agree with you in some aspects dixiecron - but in others I think.....maybe.... I have let go - hell, I have counsellor appointments and so on planned. I know this story aint over by a long shot.

[Dixiecron]

"emotional vampire" has to do with givers vs. takers. When your emotions are not all riled up, sit down and think about who put in the most effort in the relationship. I bet you did all the work.

 

She broke down crying when you told her that because she feels guilty for putting you through this BS. She KNOWS she used you, but can't admit it to you, because she wants to hang on to you. Which only proves to her the truth of what you said.

 

Words, looks, hugs, kisses. Those are not -concrete- actions. I still say that talk is cheap. Here's an example:

Don't even try to tell me that you never told a woman that you had feelings for her just so you could get in her pants. Even if it was in high school and "you're not like that anymore". Every guy has done that at one point or another. Her games are the not-so-adult equivalent.

 

She's still jerking you around. Either way she wants you as a friend? F**k, I got friends, you got friends. Who needs a so called friend who is only going to make you feel like crap (and keep you hanging on thinking you're better than the new guy) by telling you about who she's been seeing? Keep it up, and that's what going to happen.

 

So do something, take action, and go get the life you want.

 

Just walk. And keep walking until you find it.

[fishman3226]

You give much food for thought mate. Much food for thought.

[fishman3226]

Dixiecron, could you share your story too? I am quite intrigued....

[Dixiecron]

I made the mistake of getting involved with a separated woman in the summer of 2002. We met through mutual friends, and clicked right off the bat. One thing led to another, and we pretty much got to be best friends in a few months. Eventually she dumped her rebound boyfriend for me, and we started a relationship. She had dated another guy prior to the first rebound (I ended up being the second), so I figured she had her act together with regards to getting involved with me. It appeared that words and actions were matching, but boy was I wrong.

 

So we're going out and all of our friends are amazed at how great we are together. Eventually we're starting to make plans for the future. Like a week at the beach in September last year, a trip to Hawaii, marriage, etc. We're best friends, lovers, etc. This is how its supposed to work, right? Well, maybe not. Her divorce was final in July, and it was pretty anti-climatic. Things continue to go well, and we're looking forward to our birthdays in September and our first vacation together. By this point we've already travelled to meet her parents and brother, they think I'm great. In the meantime she had been secretly getting in touch with my family and friends (scattered across the country) to plan a surprise birthday party for me. My family tells me they think she's wonderful and she's met my Mom by this point. BUT, her company sends her on a business trip to LA for 5 weeks starting at the beginning of September. So much for the beach. I house-sit for her, send her care packages at her hotel, talk on the phone all the time, a lot of "I love you I miss you". Before she left she had been hinting at what kind of engagement ring she would like.

 

My ex gets back from LA, and I go over to her place to see her. I get in the door and its a 2-second hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. After over a month apart. When we had been seeing each other nearly every day. DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! So later that night we're in bed and I get the "I had an epiphany while I was away on my business trip, I need space, you should see other people speech". She also said "No I am not dumping you!". Ummm, then why am I supposed to see other people? Then she gives me my birthday present since she had been away for my actual birthday. Fittingly, it was a pair of very nice Japanese chef's knives (I do a lot of cooking and study Japanese martial arts). Kind of like that second place gameshow prize. Needless to say those are sitting in a landfill right now.

 

She also said that "no matter what" she wanted to be best friends, wanted to be at my wedding if I ever married someone else, still loves me, etc. The best one though was, when we were talking about seeing other people, she said "If we're sitting here a year from now talking about how you've met the love of your life, you owe me big time". Yes, she actually said this. Do you remember the guy I mentioned above that she dated before her first rebound relationship? She went on a date with him a week or two after she told me this. They invited me to an Academy Awards party they're throwing at her place this weekend. I don't think I'll attend...

 

It's been almost 5 months since this went down, and life is getting better. The good days are more than the bad ones, and the bad ones aren't so bad anymore. I've gone back to college to finish my degree (using the money I had put together to buy a ring), paid off all my old school loans, and started to date again. I'm making plans for the future for myself, and even though I got dumped for my birthday last year, I'm making my own kickass plans for my 30th this year.

[fishman3226]

Thanks for that dixiecron.

 

I can see the similarities, only thing is the distance you had before the breakup.

 

I still think (maybe cause I think I have had one full nights sleep in two weeks combined) that this person who is now my ex will see what I offer her. I dont care if it is now or in 100 years. I aint gonna wait for the selfish shallow cow, I am goign to move on.

 

Funniest thing is on Monday morning, one full day before she moves out she has the audacity to say to me "All I want is to settle down and have a quiet life, visit South Africa and see my family then get married and have a fmaily."

 

Ummmmm.......exactly what I have offered from day one. (NB. I am South African descent too.)

 

She is blind and I know in myself she will fail in her quest too 'find herself.' Do I care? Not really, reason being I want her too. She tells me she has not fully discounted a return to us. I kind of have within myself as I think to myself I dont want to be hurt by this woman.

 

 

I dont trust her to not hurt me again. I am thinking about how I want he rout - her stuff is everywhere and she is moving out at 6.30pm tonight. How do I feel? Empty and angry that she is so blind to reality. Yes, it is my realoty, but anyone that knows me and kows of the situation in its entirety says 'man, thats odd.'

 

You cant tell someone you love them and then hold them and give them love back without feeling something. I ask will she miss me. She said yes. I hope in two or three weeks she wakes up from this dumb dream and realises the nightmare she created for herself.

 

Sad? Yes. Angry? Of course? Bitter? Hell yeah.

 

At the end of the day, I know I am right. I have done nothing wrong but love someone unreservedly.

 

I

[mandrews1119]

Fishman,

Hello, how are you? Let's get some formalities out of the way. First of all, I think you were a bit angry and hurt when you first started posting, and that's ok, that's what this site is for, venting and getting some insights. Secondly, take everything you read here with a grain of salt. People post here and give LOTS of advice, use what applies to you and your situation, let the rest roll off your back like water. Deep inside, only YOU know the specifics of your relationship, and what works for you. To me it sounds like you want to stay and work through these changes. If so, then do so - no matter what folks may say to the contrary. If you do not you will always be wondering "what if?" If things don't resolve themselves (remember love lasts and takes years, not anything less) you will at least have the knowledge that you did all the two of you could to try. Doesn't make it not hurt, but there is a certain satisfaction in taking the opportunity to have tried, some of us don't get that much of a chance. Being in love means trying to make things work between two imperfect people.

 

I think you are mature enough to know what it will take, and wise enough to know if you are going to try it. It is frustrating and it is work, but the end results are more than worth it. Best of luck.

[fishman3226]

Mate, yo make alot of sense. I am reading the ebook "How to Get Your Ex back" and going to counsellors and talking to everybody and anybody.

 

I know within myself I have done NOTHING wrong. It is her own dumb thoughts and lies to herself stopping the best thing she could have. Biased? Hell yeah.

 

I think now that I want her in my life, but dont need her. I want $1,000,000 but I dont really need it to survive.

 

She has told an aunty that she 'thinks she made the right decision" but I think to myself this is three days after the event. Let her stew for another month and then see how right it is. See in 6 months when I move on how great it was. See what happens the firsttme she meets someone new. If it happens.

 

Alas. I will miss her and move on or i will miss her and get her back. I dont control fate but I wont loose either way. Why? For I have done the right thing either way in the relationship, in the breakup and in my life. She dont wanna be there? Tough for her.

[mandrews1119]

My sentiments exactly, fishman! I have a similar situation and I had to come to the same conclusion. Best of luck.

[Dixiecron]

Good to hear that, Fishman.

 

Just keep walking. If she wants to run and catch up, that is great. If not, she can enjoy a life of random pub visits and wonder "what if" about you. Don't worry about "what if I tried harder or just waited longer?". You've already done all that you can in this relationship. There is nothing left to do. If she wants to bring it back from the dead, then she needs to do the work. Let me remind you that a little "how are you doing, I miss you so much" e-mail is not the same as "I am a fool and made a mistake I want to get back together forever" e-mail.

 

With regard to the dating you mentioned above, make sure not to get past date #2/3 before telling any new girls about your current romantic/emotional situation. They don't need the gory details, they just need to know that you're not "all there" emotionally yet. If you don't like her after the first date, that doesn't apply, but if you find someone you like, they DESERVE to know. You've still got some healing to do. Some of them will run screaming, others will be cool with keeping things friendly, casual and non-physical for a little while (your kids don't need to see a different woman every Sunday morning, not that you didn't already know that).

 

You might at some times feel a desire to lay waste to every woman's heart from Australia to Hong Kong, no matter the consequences, as long as you get that fanny pack, but try to resist the dark side...

[mandrews1119]

Thought to ponder: After all the anger and emoting is done, you have to ask yourself - is this or will this relationship/love be worth another try in the future? You have two answers to this - what you feel now, and what you will feel if and when the opportunity presents itself later. If you feel yes, then you have to prepare yourself for that, and remember you are in this for the long haul. Whether you are seeking answers, venting, or moving on. There are those who do variations on this theme in many ways, and some who feel that they know their s/o will be back, or that the door for reconciliation is open. There are those who feel love "never dies"- and those who say once it is over it is OVER - and will never try again. Where you fit on that chart is solely up to you and your other half. If you read this site, you will see people who have successfully moved on, those who are angry, and those moved on but still never recaptured the "magic". There are yet those who were fortunate enough to reunite or reconcile (or attempt to) and who are happy for the chance for closure if it was needed. Best of luck, and do keep on posting, life and love are an on going process.