Author fishman3226 Posted February 29, 2004 Author Share Posted February 29, 2004 Strange things is that she rang me today (Sunday) and has arranged to come over tomorrow and Sat also - I am going to play it cool and see what happens. No pressure at all. I am going to be nice - on the Monday cut the visit short and then on Sat see what happens. I am thinking that smeone dont wanna be with me, why make come over for some time together? Ok, it is on the premise of dropping stuff of and picking stuff up, but the same time could have been left at the front doorstep and asked to leave the letters in a letterbox or readdressed. And at the least it would not have been so as we could have a cup of coffee together and a meal...... Confusing, but also uplighting. Somtimes I think people lie to themselves and then expect to have people to accept it when they hurt them.... and trhen try to validate it to everyone else to make it seem right to themselves....what to do, what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Dear fishman, I hope all goes well. usually a meeting like this is to "test the waters" in some fashion. It really depends on what the two of you both want at this time, and for the future. Try not to cloud it with too much emotion, or expectations. This is the person you claim to love, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
imasurvivor Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Originally posted by fishman3226 10% chance that she may come back I have to agree with UCFKevin. That's bull. I'd tell her what to do with her 10% Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Love speaks many words....but if it isn't meeting your needs, making you happy or committing itself to you....it's just words. Many people post on here going thru the 'love words' which were first spoken when the relationship began. However, once the relationship is over....those words are dead space. They are only memories....holding no weight in the present. Until the time comes when this woman comes to you and says 'I love you NOW. I want to be with you NOW. Will you please forgive me for causing you all this turmoil and let me move back in." Only THEN, would you have something to hold onto. Till then, if you still have her furniture....you are no more than a 'storage facility' she is paying for monthly with those meaningless dead space words. I know it's hard to accept.....but you can hold on till hell freezes over...and just waste all the time you could be spending finding someone who can give you a fulfilling relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 While I agree in general with Arabess here, love words are indicators that the other person did feel that way (indicators, not promises) and that they may be able to again. Certainly if you never heard any such thing you have no reason to believe in the other persons feelings. As far as being a furniture storage facility, that would be the bitter angry explanation. It might well be true, but it could also mean that she can't decide what to do, that she doesn't want to see you but still trusts enough that you wont destroy the stuff, or that she just wants to avoid a confrontation until some more time has passed. Or a dozen other reasons. Let not just to the bittermost end of the scale. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 You are right Lost.....I do have a tendency not to see a 'happy ending' in these things. There could very well be one. Too bad there isn't some pre-set 'time period' when you know to no longer wait. Like an end of a 'warranty' or something....LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Lost, Forget 10%, fishman should have 100% and so should everyone else, including you (yes, I have been following your posts since my ex is divorced too). All that matters is right now. There is no way to predict someone else's actions/feelings in the future. Why hang on in limbo for a 10% shot at love (that you may never be able to trust again) at some -undetermined- point in the future, when you can pick yourself up, catch your breath, and then go out and grab your own future? A future with someone who loves 100% and never doubts that? I know you can love that way, don't you deserve someone else who is capable of the same? I'm still kind of messed up from the last RL, but if "the one" came knocking on my door I sure as hell wouldn't tell her "sorry, maybe later". I would tell her that I have baggage (like we all do by a certain age) that has nothing to do with her, and I will do my best to deal with it and not let it get in the way of the two of us. There is a big difference between real love and unrequited love. Why hang on for someone who doesn't have enough love to deal with their problems without leaving you? Anyways, Let us know how it goes Fishman. You've got my e-mail address. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Dixie - you're mixing threads and confusing my intent in the other thread I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted February 29, 2004 Author Share Posted February 29, 2004 Another thing - I kind of am 'aware' of her online email password, so I had a look. She has photos of us that she wanted as memories in there that were not opened at all. Now they are - she did not delete them at all, and she could have. I kind of agree with 'storage facility' but I honestly feel this girl is trying to have something where she could have a 'key' to me - like an option if need be to come over. Her pretext for todays visit is to come get some mail - she could ccome and get it and leave, but she wants t stay for a coffee (her words) and Saturdaty night she wants to bring some other stuff over. Could all be done in one hit too (all the moving).... What happened was that I cold not find a camera of mine so I SMSed her saying "do you know where it is" nothing more. She rang me and was all nice and polite, friendly even and making all these lovey noises (noises that friends dont get) and she suggested meting Saturday and today. I would have given her her mail, I would have readdressed it. She wants to come over. I have rearranged the unit so it looks different - different environment. I aint going to mention the breakup or relationship and make some idle chit chat and so on. I aint going to attempt to touch her (or kiss her, man I want to) and I want to hav some fun. I am going to dress liek she likes and wear some cologne that I have never worn beofre. I am ging to appear (hopefully) un-needing, happy and 'new.' I want her to go - man..... whats going on, he is different. I plan to mirror her language and make her comfortable then make her leave (nicely) wanting more. Saturday, come what may. No sex, hopefully just a fun night. This girl has depression and I am the one that suppoorted her for the past twelve months. Regardless of what happens, I know in the end she will come back - wether it is too late is another thing. I thnk her thoughts are clouded adn she tinks that this will help - I dont think it will (and I know her I think better than anyone else.) I aint not goign to see anyone else - hell, next Sunday I plan to see someone and I have have met say 20 women online (give me a big manly "YEAH!") but I am not going to go out with any of them in a relationship yet. Hell, might be that I get back with her, might not too. I am one of those people that has to know their os nothing of a chance until I leave. To many things where she has told me things about what she wants and so forth and too many things about her I know that she wont be back. I plan to do two things - try to move on and see what happens - I think of her as another prospect - maybe even the biggest one. If I find someone that is 'better' or someone that makes more effort then she loses me - I aint gonna hang on. Like i said I want her, dont need her, I want $1000000 but I dont need it. (OK, so it is my mantra) I dont know the future but I tink by Sat night I will have a clearer picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Lost: I was trying to imply (perhaps not very articulately) that you are letting your own experience cloud your opion on fishman's experience. Then again, I suppose we all have a different point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Well I was really addressing Arabess's comments, but don't forget that everyone's opinion is formed partly be their own experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I follow you, I haven't forgotten at all. I'm well aware of the slight hypocrisy inherent in giving any sort of advice on a board like this... 1 doesn't always equal 1. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 OK, she came over today... SHe came over on the half baked notion of getting some mail. She was really stressed and saying about how her landlord ws really difficult about phones and so on. Anyhow, she was really worn out looking and tired so I offered for her to lay down on the couch after I gave her a massage on her shoulders. She was dozing so I said "look, lay down on the bed" and she was all "oh it aint appropriate and so on" Mind you too she instigated contact wih me holding my hand when she told me about a bad dream she had.... Well after carrying her to bed (and no I did not sleep with her) we had some nice cuddles and goofed off - tickles and so on - ad I did not mention thwe breakup once. She said to me "great to see you aren't as upset anymore" and was all friendly and open. Some of the play was a little more 'adult' but it did not go to far. At no stage either id I mention the relationship. I did mention to her that I wanted to kiss her and it was up to her. I saw her about to kiss me but did not. She though was very open and did not complain or anything from the hugs and so on. She did say one time "is this right? I want to be single.." I made a point that this liasion would finish at 12.50 sharp - I had to get to work. About 5 minutes before we leave there is this moment where - laying in each others arms - she i just looking into my eyes and holding onto me. I said when it clicked 12.50 "Look I have to go " and proceeded to leave, she turned on the computer (she wanted to look up something) but I said sorry, cant do that and practically kicked her out. I said "it was nice to see you again" and she left, me goign one way and her another. I noticed to that she looked back at me a couple of times on the way.... Oh and we are seeing each other again on Saturday night.... sure he dont want to be with me..... Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Dear Fishman, As you can tell from my posts, I am one of those people who believe in getting back together, and in happy endings. I am happy that you were able to have a positive meeting and that things may go even better in the future. You sound like a much different and better fellow than during those little rant and rave posts.! Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Has it happend for you though mandrews? I know so many people go "oh dont" but do we know of any successful reconciliations the have occured?? I know that something will happen - I want her beck, but I am also meeting others and looking to the future. I think of this as my ex or someone else being my future.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 Well this is it. The ex contacted me yesterday with this crap of "oh, I left for a reason so I am only going to see after a month." So no meeting on Sunday. Who the **** is she to tell me or to deem to me the option to see her? Am I some sort of slave for her? She can get stuffed. I gave her my heart - hell I lost my kids for a month to be with her and this is what she 'offers?' I thought to myself that this 'emotional vampire' will one day realise what I offered her and that she will one day realise that she has also lost it - short of friggin miracle, she is complete history. I might be her friend, I might even give her stuff back - but in the long run she could drop dead for all i care. So after leaving her a mesage that I found her decision to be rude and inconsdierate and that I actually think that all I want is a friendship now I happened to start chatting to a woman I met online - and we are going out on Sunday. I am going to have fun and enjoy myself with out having to carry this emotional ruin and mental health issue that is my ex. Now dont get me wrong, I still care for her - maybe in months to come I may get back with her - but in honesty why put myself through her selfishness and moods, no matter what she thinks? She never made the effort and she kows who i am and what I want. I dont need her, nor do I need $1,000,000 to live. She aint worth a third of that. She said to me "all I want is a quiet peaceful life." In months to come when she is all alone in a dark roon she will realise how she has lost it. And if I am there....well, I might 'deem' myself to give her some emotion back. Goodbye Margot. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Fish, I understand your emotions. It may be hard to do, but back up and stress down. You are hurt and angry now. She will not do anything rational right now, so don't expect it. Also, you can only be as upset as you are in love, and obviously that is a great deal. you are in this for the long haul, so gather your strength for now. You will need it no matter what course you pursue. Me personally, I am still "going through things" and have to do several things to jump-start things with my ex if she will agree. I can only work on the things I can control and be open-minded about her if we get back together. Before you can allow someone back INTO your life, you have to accept that they are no longer IN your life. It is cool that you have decided not to just sit at home, but meet new people, just be honest with them and do not allow yourself to fall victim to anger. Keep posting, we're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Oh, and she changed her mind again - she is now coming on Saturday again.. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 See what I mean? You gotta stay calm as you can, big fella!! You cannot let HER being irrational and erratic cause you to be the same way. Believe me, she will respect your calmness. It isn't always easy, but keeping in focus will help your whole situation. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 5, 2004 Author Share Posted March 5, 2004 Man, the situation thickens - she is still coming (the ex) but now the problem is that I have met someone else and I am higly attracted to her. I am thinking about the ex and so on but now I have this cloud of doubt because I am thinking that I DO have an opportunity to have someone else in the future (and believe me this lass is keen.) Wierd thing is too this new girl comes across loving and caring - I dont remember any concrete time when I felt bad or had something bad happen where the ex came to me to show she cared. I mean, anytime she was down I made it a pont to care yet she did not deem it that I also required it. Refer: I think she used me. I might be wrong that that was her intention, but to be honest a relationship in my view is two people caring. I know she is sh*tty that I am meeting someone else - but stiff. I probably would take her back but to be honest I dont now if it is the best for my own emotional health. I would have to trash it out with her what SHE has to do - I did nothing wrong AT ALL. She would have to change. And hence I wonder if the relationship if we got back together would last - I dont think she would make any kind of effort to change herself. And if she did not then stiff. This new gurl is open and honest and intelligent if she had a connection with my heritage then it would be fantastic! Maybe I am confused - I know that the new girl is travelling on a holiday so I will have some tink time soon and I wont plan to see the ex in the next fortnight at the bare minimum. I just dont want to hurt myself or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 If you are still having questions or feelings about the ex at all, - you owe it to the new person to be honest about everything. If she really cares she will work through things with you. You have to be honest and open with yourself or else you will be kicking and asking yourself "what if?" for the rest of your days. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 7, 2004 Author Share Posted March 7, 2004 It even gets thicker... SHe came over last night and we had a meal - I then said lets go for a walk but her - read HER - words were "nah, lets have a cuddle on the bed instead." My first thought was "here we go again" but then I thought stuff it. After a while she asked - SHE asked - to stay over - with the 'boundary' of without anything happening. Hell, she was not even going to kiss me - ultimately we did everything but make love and she admitted to me she misses me and does not find satisfaction in new things she does. She admitted that I offer what she wants in life and that we had a great relationship. OK, so she does not want to be in a good relationship with someone that wants what she wants in life so she can do things that she tells me she does not like and feels a sense of missing me and so on. Makes no friggin sense at all. Anyways, in the morning - and I made a point of firstly kicking here out and also keeping my date - she said she would think about it all and what I offer her - ut kept saying things about - if i dont come back what will you say and do? I said to her (based uponher actions EVERY time i see her) that I do not believe that she would make a decision other than a relationship - and that if she did she would be lying. OK, if she says no then she says no. I know I did nothing wrong. I love this girl and I WANT HER BACK. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 7, 2004 Share Posted March 7, 2004 Fish, I have heard enough of your waffling!! Make up your mind and stop crying about things. Do you read how many people on this site would just die for the opportunity you are acting like a spoiled kid about.! Your anger and emotions have you acting with little or no reason. Love and relationships are the attempts of two imperfect people trying to make it work. If that isn't good enough for you, you owe it to HER - not you, to tell her and go from there. Whatever is going on in her head, at least she is making the attempt with you. If that isn't good enough, or is not what you want, then you need to let her know that, instead of all the whining and complaining. She is obviously a bit confused or who knows what else at this point, if you aren't willing to help her work through it then don't - but don't complain about the dilemma, that is what you both are in the relationship for, to help each other. I hope it works out for you, but you need to remember you have a part too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishman3226 Posted March 7, 2004 Author Share Posted March 7, 2004 Mandrews, you got me wrong, I aint complaining - I am completely frustrated - I know people would kill for his opportunity that I have but to be honest I would swap the position with anyone - the stress and frustration of the situation is more than enough to send me into fits of depression!! If she said no and meant it - it would be fine. If she said maybe, then OK. She is showing me one thing and then saying something else. So please mate, give this guy a break! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 Fishman, Always a break and a thumbs up from me, mate.! I understand that it is probably very frustrating for you right now. Let's look at it a different way. She is obviously very confused and undecided as to which way to go, after you have been and are there to give her everything she has asked for and more. You have to realize that either she is afraid, unsure, or possibly insincere. You have to proceed along all of those lines at once, and I admit to you that probably isn't easy. You have to be there for her, while also trying to make sure you aren't being led down the path. The best thing in my opinion is to be straight up with her and let her know what her waffling is doing to you, and to your relationship with her. That will at least give you a starting point. Just try not to let emotion carry you away, or make you jump into something with someone else that you may not be ready for. that doesn't mean run away from people, just be honest. again, best of luck, mate. Link to post Share on other sites
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