My boyfriend won't tell his female friend that he is dating someone!

[gdes65]

I have been dating a guy for over 6 months, we've said that we love each other and spend most days/nights together. He has a lot of younger single female friends. He goes for coffee with them from time to time without me.

Last night he went to a female friends house who he hasn't seen since we've been together and stayed there for 2-3 hours drinking coffee. I asked him if he told her about me and he said "No it never came up"Isn't this strange that we've been together and are in love but he won't tell this one girl that I exist? I've met almost all of his friends, the single female friends are the exception. Should I be worried?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed I bet he would be very angry. It sounds to me that he wants to have a fall back plan in case it does not work out with you. His attitude is very disrespectful to you.

[blair08]

I find this to be strange. Its one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, but quite another to not tell them about the girl he has been seeing. Oh and BTW, he sure does seem to drink alot of "coffee", sorry.

[carhill]

Time to have a Labor Day BBQ (presuming you're in the US) this weekend and invite his single female friends. I'll bet they'd enjoy each other's company, as well as that of the single young males you'll invite.

 

Since he doesn't ask 'permission' to see his female friends, you get to put together this little shindig all by yourself. Just ask him for the names and phone numbers of his friends so you can do the invites. I'm sure they'll be happy to see him and yourself and enjoy your gracious hospitality.

 

If you're sixteen, ask your parents first. Welcome to LS

[Green]

Time to have a Labor Day BBQ (presuming you're in the US) this weekend and invite his single female friends. I'll bet they'd enjoy each other's company, as well as that of the single young males you'll invite.

 

Since he doesn't ask 'permission' to see his female friends, you get to put together this little shindig all by yourself. Just ask him for the names and phone numbers of his friends so you can do the invites. I'm sure they'll be happy to see him and yourself and enjoy your gracious hospitality.

 

If you're sixteen, ask your parents first. Welcome to LS

 

 

I think this is horrible advice. Just like the time you told the guy whose gf was cheating on him to meet the guy she was cheating with.

 

These girls arn't the problem... YOUR BF IS. He is cheating on you and he has no respect for you. You have to dump him and in the future you shouldn't be so cool being in an open relationship if thats not what you want.

[carhill]

No Green, that's how *mature* people handle things.

 

We don't *assume* anything, but rather take proactive steps to assert both our boundaries *and* respect for others. These are *friends*. They deserve to be treated as such. Socializing is a part of that.

[PegNosePete]

Mature people handle things by setting up some kind of entrapment designed to create a huge scene at a summer BBQ?

 

Is this some new definition of "mature" of which I wasn't previously aware?

[carhill]

There is no entrapment. You guys are nuts. This is a social circle getting together. If the man is a no good low life, then he is.

 

Interesting how you come out of the woodwork, isn't it?

 

BTW, tell me about your marriages. How was the socializing there?

[PegNosePete]

Why do you attack people for having an opinion different to your own?

[Green]

There is no entrapment. You guys are nuts. This is a social circle getting together. If the man is a no good low life, then he is.

 

Interesting how you come out of the woodwork, isn't it?

 

BTW, tell me about your marriages. How was the socializing there?

 

Nuts... This guy is obviously cheating there is no reason for her to meet the girls he is haveing his EA's and PA's with.

 

Its very Jerry Springer to feel you have to confront or even meet the people he is cheating with.

 

Just break up with him already he has no respect and is obviously cheating

[freestyle]

I think Carhill's right on the money.

 

If my SO had a female friend who I hadn't met yet, I would invite her to dinner.The dinner invitation is a classic litmus test for OS friends.......

If she's his friend, she should be my friend, too.If everything's on the up and up, it shouldn't be a problem.

 

If anything is squirrely, however, if she balks at meeting me, or my SO doesn't want me to meet her------well then, I have my answer.Someone,(or both of them) can't be trusted.

 

Opposite sex friends can work , when the boundaries are in place.And the OS friend is supportive of the relationship, or marriage.One of my dearest friends is a married man---he has me and my SO over for dinner from time to time, and we all hang out and party occasionally.It's all good.I don't have much in common with his wife, but I treat her with the utmost respect, and always make sure to include her in the conversations, so she never feels like a fifth wheel.

 

gdes65, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that your bf is cheating--yet.But his behavior is suspicious.........and I would recommend keeping your eyes open, and ask him flat-out why you're not invited when he "has coffee' with his female friends.Pay close attention to how he responds.....

[MRevolver]

I was seeing a guy for almost 3 months. I recently discovered he'd told 1 of his female friends (who in this case has had interest in him in the past) that we weren't together. When I called him on this he told me he did it just to "throw her off because our relationship was none of her business." He seemed sincere with his answer, so I didn't press the issue anymore. Especially since things had been going so well. But several of my guy friends agreed that things just didn't add up and that he was more than likely trying to keep her on the backburner. And well, to make a long story short, as of Monday, he stopped contacting me altogther without warning. Ironically the same day his female friend decided we should meet up for lunch...

 

So in short, though he may not be cheating YET, I would be very weary of this situation. He could have honestly just decided not to bring it up at that moment. But I figure if it's something like a great relationship, most people will want others to know about it. Especially if they're happy. So just be careful and hope things turn out better for you than they did me.

[InceptorsRule]

I have been dating a guy for over 6 months, we've said that we love each other and spend most days/nights together. He has a lot of younger single female friends. He goes for coffee with them from time to time without me.

Last night he went to a female friends house who he hasn't seen since we've been together and stayed there for 2-3 hours drinking coffee. I asked him if he told her about me and he said "No it never came up"Isn't this strange that we've been together and are in love but he won't tell this one girl that I exist? I've met almost all of his friends, the single female friends are the exception. Should I be worried?

 

 

Dayum, that there girl must really know how to brew up one fine cup of coffee.

[Quest]

Should I be worried?

 

Sounds to me that he's keeping his options open which would be okay if you weren't in what you thought was a serious relationship with a guy you love. But before you jump to conclusions about anything I'd ask to meet her (and his other single female friends). The next time he mentions he's going to meet one of them, ask if you can go along too. If he comes up with some excuse for that not to happen, or if he mumbles something about it happening sometime in the future, I'd think seriously about whether you want to continue the relationship or not. Even if he wasn't actually actively cheating it would suggest that he's not really viewing the relationship the same way as you and is still looking around.

[carhill]

Why do you attack people for having an opinion different to your own?

I push back at people who characterize my well-considered advice as 'horrible' and attack my credibility. Like it or not, I ain't going away. Deal with it

[FryFish]

I could go either way... Either dump him for cheating or at least setting himself to cheat. Or throw the jerry springer bbq... They have the same end result.

[Green]

I could go either way... Either dump him for cheating or at least setting himself to cheat. Or throw the jerry springer bbq... They have the same end result.

 

haha too funny

[BlueRidgeMTs]

. Or throw the jerry springer bbq... They have the same end result.

 

JERRY! JERRY! jERRY! WOOOO! WOOO!

[D-Lish]

If you've been going out for 6 months and he can't tell his female friends that he's dating you- you should be seriously worried.

 

Forget about A bbq, it's not your responsibility to introduce yourself to his female friends.

 

It doesn't mean he's cheating, but the only reason you wouldn't tell someone that you had a SO is because you are have interest in them.

[PegNosePete]

I push back at people who characterize my well-considered advice as 'horrible' and attack my credibility. Like it or not, I ain't going away. Deal with it

I wouldn't want you, or anyone else, to go away. Diversity and differing viewpoints are what make any forum interesting.

 

I didn't attack or characterize you or your credibility. Green said your advice was horrible, and I (and quite a few other people apparently) agree. That is quite different from saying that you are horrible. You seem to be attacking the person, not the content of the post, and taking the thread off-topic. For someone with 17,000 posts on an interpersonal relationship site, I am quite surprised at that!

Edited September 3, 2010 by PegNosePete

[MRevolver]

If you've been going out for 6 months and he can't tell his female friends that he's dating you- you should be seriously worried.

 

Forget about A bbq, it's not your responsibility to introduce yourself to his female friends.

 

It doesn't mean he's cheating, but the only reason you wouldn't tell someone that you had a SO is because you are have interest in them.

 

I think D-Lish is dead on with this response. There is no reason to hide it unless he's got interest in that particular person. That way he looks completely available to her and can keep her stringing along as the fall-back in case things don't work out with you two.

[EasyHeart]

If you've been going out for 6 months and he can't tell his female friends that he's dating you- you should be seriously worried.

 

Forget about A bbq, it's not your responsibility to introduce yourself to his female friends.

 

It doesn't mean he's cheating, but the only reason you wouldn't tell someone that you had a SO is because you are have interest in them.

WRONG!

 

He never said that he couldn't tell his female friend about his SO, he said it's didn't come up. I've been in this guy's situation many times. In Guy World, talking about our girlfriends and our relationships is not a priority. When I get together with my male or female friends, it is very, very common for us to never talk about who we're dating. It's just not important. Fantasy football is important; work is important; what our mutual friends are doing is important; what we watched on TV last night is important. Girlfriends are not.

 

The only time I ever talk about my girlfriend is if we run out of absolutely anything else to talk about.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Instead of just dumping him, or even having a barbecue ... have you tried talking to him about this?

 

I am all in favor of friends of any gender, but if his hanging out frequently with younger single girls who don't know you exist bothers you, this does not signify that you are uptight or a prude or anything. You're entitled to feel however you do feel, and as your boyfriend (and the person who you share LOVE with) he needs to know.

 

I think I would tell him that it's important for me to meet his friends, and I would make sure that he met mine.

 

If he takes exception to that, I think you have a problem in your relationship.

[naya1]

same thing happened to me..when i was checking my bfs email account (well he gave me his password so i can check stuff ) and saw that she emailed him asking how is his life blah blah and he never made mention of me.

 

this has caused a huge strain in our relationship..theres a lot more that happened regarding it..

 

i dont understand that girl, and why she still wants him or wants to tlak to him.

hes just really nice to her and thats all she remembers..

 

but its very annoying. i wanna rip her hair out.

[phineas]

WRONG!

 

He never said that he couldn't tell his female friend about his SO, he said it's didn't come up. I've been in this guy's situation many times. In Guy World, talking about our girlfriends and our relationships is not a priority. When I get together with my male or female friends, it is very, very common for us to never talk about who we're dating. It's just not important. Fantasy football is important; work is important; what our mutual friends are doing is important; what we watched on TV last night is important. Girlfriends are not.

 

The only time I ever talk about my girlfriend is if we run out of absolutely anything else to talk about.

 

Really? Guys never talk about getting laid to other guys at all?