Sadness About Marriage

[BlackLovely]

My wedding is a month away. I am experiencing some sadness, over the end of my single life. This doesn't make sense, because there were some very lonely times when I was living with my dearly departed cat. It's not that I'm not happy about getting married. It's just that this marks the end of an era of freedom. There will be no more butterflies from new love, no more laughably bad dates and no more going out every night with my girlfriends. I wonder if anyone on LS understands what I mean.

 

I am also very disappointed about the wedding. We simply could not afford to do anything but a destination thing. It was either that or be engaged for many years. In the end, it was much more important for me to be married to my fiance than to have a real wedding; we have already been engaged for nearly two years! I just wish I didn't have to make that choice. For a long time, I wept whenever I saw a bride come out of a church or if I saw one in limo with her bridesmaids. I've resigned myself to what we have planned, but it sure hurts like hell. My fiance feels very guilty, so I try not to come to him with my disappointment too much. We would have been able to afford a wedding if my fiance hadn't been unemployed for a year; the recession was very tough on us. I work too, but I only make a fraction of what he makes.

 

I have a lot of bitterness about our bad luck, especially since my husband was the only one in our circle to lose his job. I look around and I see couples having lovely weddings, nice houses and trips. I feel like our day is never going to come; we live in a crappy, partially furnished apartment and we cannot even get married the way we want to. We are only working to pay our debts, from having to live off of credit cards for a year. It is impossible for two people to live off of unemployment.

 

Keep in mind that I love my fiance and I have no doubts about being his wife. In fact, I am very excited about that part. I only hate to start the marriage with wedding I have to settle for.

[torranceshipman]

If the white wedding is the issue what about a simple ceremony with a simple but beautiful dress, then just a glass of bubbly after and no reception? A church isnt expensive. Surely the destination wedding was more expensive?

 

I reckon it is more that you are ground down with the difficulties of being unemployed - just remember that despite the hardship you get to marry the love of your life - believe me, many wealthy women would give anything to have what you have.

[BlackLovely]

If the white wedding is the issue what about a simple ceremony with a simple but beautiful dress, then just a glass of bubbly after and no reception? A church isnt expensive. Surely the destination wedding was more expensive?

 

I reckon it is more that you are ground down with the difficulties of being unemployed - just remember that despite the hardship you get to marry the love of your life - believe me, many wealthy women would give anything to have what you have.

My dress is gorgeous and the destination wedding is pricey.

I wasn't even dreaming of a huge wedding, just 80 people with three bridesmaids and a nice reception. My parents offered to help, but only if my mother could plan it her way. I also didn't feel right about accepting money when only my father is employed.

He is no longer unemployed, but we are still buried in debt.

I agree with what you're saying about the wealthy women. Thanks a lot dearie.

[sb129]

I know what you mean BlackLovely.

 

I sometimes mourn the loss of my single life- the good bits, not the loneliness or the heartache of romances ending.

 

I also sometimes mourn the loss of my pre-baby life (and body!).

 

Its OK to miss what you have lost- it doesn't mean you dislike what you have got or are getting.

 

On your wedding day you will be so excited that you won't end up caring about the rest of the stuff. It will be your and your fiance and you will look gorgeous- thats the main part!

[BlackLovely]

Sorry, I don't know why the link was wrong.

[BlackLovely]

I know what you mean BlackLovely.

 

I sometimes mourn the loss of my single life- the good bits, not the loneliness or the heartache of romances ending.

 

I also sometimes mourn the loss of my pre-baby life (and body!).

 

Its OK to miss what you have lost- it doesn't mean you dislike what you have got or are getting.

 

On your wedding day you will be so excited that you won't end up caring about the rest of the stuff. It will be your and your fiance and you will look gorgeous- thats the main part!

Thanks hon. That's really caring and understanding.

[Eeyore79]

I have to say, I don't really understand your viewpoint at all. I'd be over the moon if I was marrying someone I loved, and I wouldn't care what sort of wedding we had, as long as we were married at the end of it. Of course I'd ideally like a big party with nice dresses and limos and stuff, but at the end of the day all I really want is to be married to my man, and I'd be more than willing to sacrifice the other stuff in order to have a husband who I love.

 

It seems like you're more hung up on the actual wedding than on becoming your fiance's wife. You're focused more on cakes and cars and dresses, and the fact that you're marrying someone is sort of incidental. It makes me question whether you truly love your fiance, or whether you just want to have A Wedding and be The Bride.

[KikiW]

I believe I understand how you feel BL.

 

I am planning a wedding for about 2 months from now. With all the bells and whistles, I still wouldn't have a huge wedding... 40 people perhaps... I was never one for the enormous weddings with all the trimmings. If I spent $7K on my second wedding I would have gotten more than I ever wanted. But we can't even spend $1K. He has family in the south, mine are in the north. Decided to meet in the middle and do the JOP thing, and drive it because flights are too pricey. My bands cost a hair over $200, his cost $40. I haven't bought a dress yet. I wonder if we will be able to afford a professional photographer - the only thing I didn't have the first time around that I absolutely regret (not that I want them to make the album, I just want a few professional shots).

 

But it is what it is, BL. We are not (yet? blessed with having won the money lottery. We were blessed with winning the lottery of wonderful men who want to give us the moon, and they will someday. Don't worry about keeping up with the "Jones'" because they are heavily in debt, and he goes to strip clubs to avoid dealing with his alcoholic, prozac-taking wife. ;p

[allina]

We simply could not afford to do anything but a destination thing. It was either that or be engaged for many years. In the end, it was much more important for me to be married to my fiance than to have a real wedding; we have already been engaged for nearly two years! I just wish I didn't have to make that choice. For a long time, I wept whenever I saw a bride come out of a church or if I saw one in limo with her bridesmaids. I've resigned myself to what we have planned, but it sure hurts like hell.

 

This is sad that you're allowing something like a limo ride make you feel this way. Having bridesmaids and a limo is not what makes a wedding a "real" wedding! Come on BL! You are marrying a man you love, after the wedding you will be his wife this is a real wedding.

 

I can't really relate to the feelings of sadness but we all process things in a different way. To me marriage has never felt like a loss, only like gaining my love as a husband and gaining more family

 

Keep in mind that being married doesn't mean that you can't go away for a weekend with your girlfriends and giving up anything that makes you happy

[amerikajin]

I am also very disappointed about the wedding. We simply could not afford to do anything but a destination thing. It was either that or be engaged for many years. In the end, it was much more important for me to be married to my fiance than to have a real wedding; we have already been engaged for nearly two years! I just wish I didn't have to make that choice. For a long time, I wept whenever I saw a bride come out of a church or if I saw one in limo with her bridesmaids. I've resigned myself to what we have planned, but it sure hurts like hell. My fiance feels very guilty, so I try not to come to him with my disappointment too much. We would have been able to afford a wedding if my fiance hadn't been unemployed for a year; the recession was very tough on us. I work too, but I only make a fraction of what he makes.

 

I have a lot of bitterness about our bad luck, especially since my husband was the only one in our circle to lose his job. I look around and I see couples having lovely weddings, nice houses and trips. I feel like our day is never going to come; we live in a crappy, partially furnished apartment and we cannot even get married the way we want to. We are only working to pay our debts, from having to live off of credit cards for a year. It is impossible for two people to live off of unemployment.

 

Keep in mind that I love my fiance and I have no doubts about being his wife. In fact, I am very excited about that part. I only hate to start the marriage with wedding I have to settle for.

 

<big hugs, BL>

 

You are not alone. I/we am dealing with the same thing. My partner and I don't even live in the same cities so we can only meet for weeks at a time when I have breaks from work. Like you, we were faced with a choice of either putting it off indefinitely and being engaged for another year (or more) or doing it now and trying to work out a way to accommodate ourselves and as many others as possible. We chose to do a destination wedding, too.

 

I'm curious to know how friends and family are reacting in your case. In our case, my in-law (foreign) is taking it well, but it's my immediate family that seems to be flipping out. Not entirely unanticipated but the degree to which they're upset is something I didn't foresee. Now we've got to mend fences on top of everything else.

 

Personally, my partner and I are not big wedding ceremony people. It's enough for me to get married and get on with our lives. I get the sense that in your case maybe you want a more traditional and more formal ceremony? I don't know...I think the important thing is to remember what's important. So many couple have grand weddings and they end up in divorce court later. It's better to have a rather mundane or simple wedding and to have a strong marriage. That's the important thing. Try to keep it in perspective.

[Woggle]

You might want to think twice about this marriage.

[sb129]

I disagree.

 

BL- you aren't having doubts about your fiance, are you?

 

Sounds to me if you can get through these lean times, you will be stronger out the other side. The other couples you see with 'perfect' lives more than likely have their own sh*t to deal with, perhaps you just can't see it.

 

You could always renew your vows later on with a ceremony more to your wishes.

 

I do wonder though, if you are working so hard to pay off debts, why have the destination wedding if its so expensive?

Why the hurry to get married at all? If you are so sure about eachother, things can wait a couple of years until you are more financially secure.

[Feelin Frisky]

Your concerns are very valid there, BBL. (Beautiful Black Lovely)

 

I would miss my freedom to do w/e the hell I want too.

 

I don't think I'd want the whole big wedding thing unless I wanted to rub my success in my family's face. I'm modest believe it or not. But if I hit the jackpot, I'm pulling out all the stops. It's OK if I don't though. There are no guarantees. I had brunch with family members today and they talked about my cousin Laura's wedding--she just gave birth yesterday and we found out today. Her family spent a bundle on her wedding and the reception was a disaster from top to bottom as management and ownership changed in the hall between reservation and delivery. I'm glad I didn't attend. Laura was said to have been crying through out it. And she's such a doll. There are never guarantees that things are going to be as perfect as we want them. My cousin Tara had big humongous costly wedding only to divorce a lousy six months later. She never knew the guy liked to wear bras and girly stuff I think. Whoda thunk? I know another girl who found out and walked on the same grounds. At least it seems you know who your hubby is and you love him because of it. Best wishes.

[Citizen Erased]

I get where you're coming from...the wedding thing anyway. Makes you feel kinda robbed huh. I didn't even get a proposal, more of a "you in? Yep. You? Yep". I doubt I'll even be in the dress when we are married.

 

You know what though. It won't matter to us later on down the track. I'll just be glad to be with him and be his wife. Your doubts will go away and when you're married to him, it won't matter. You could always have the big ceremony etc later on. The other brides you see are doing it their way, you're doing it yours. They could have an amazing day and be divorced 2 years later. Your relationship is what matters.

Edited September 1, 2010 by Citizen Erased

[amerikajin]

You know what though. It won't matter to us later on down the track. I'll just be glad to be with him and be his wife. Your doubts will go away and when you're married to him, it won't matter. You could always have the big ceremony etc later on. The other brides you see are doing it their way, you're doing it yours. They could have an amazing day and be divorced 2 years later. Your relationship is what matters.

 

Agree with this. Too many people get caught up in the ceremony without thinking about the relationship. I've seen people have big ceremonies and I've seen couples have no ceremony at all. I'd say that it doesn't really matter either way. In both cases, there were some relationships that succeeded and there were some that failed. What really matters is how two people get along, and how they grow together. Getting married, having a wedding...that's the easy part.

 

About the only thing I could say that might possibly validate the importance of a wedding is the fact that it does sort of expose some things that might not be exposed otherwise. For example, a couple gets to know the truth about their in-laws and the families they are marrying into. Undoubtedly, they will be able to determine whether they're easygoing or control freaks; whether they're relaxed or hostile and petty. They'll also be able to determine how well they, as a couple, can make decisions and work together, and how they make decisions together. They'll find out how they spend money and so forth. So in sort of a practical way, I can understand some of the significance of the weddings. But some of that should already be apparent anyway. Not too sure a wedding ceremony is essential for rooting out those truths.

[BlackLovely]

I have to say, I don't really understand your viewpoint at all. I'd be over the moon if I was marrying someone I loved, and I wouldn't care what sort of wedding we had, as long as we were married at the end of it. Of course I'd ideally like a big party with nice dresses and limos and stuff, but at the end of the day all I really want is to be married to my man, and I'd be more than willing to sacrifice the other stuff in order to have a husband who I love.

It seems like you're more hung up on the actual wedding than on becoming your fiance's wife. You're focused more on cakes and cars and dresses, and the fact that you're marrying someone is sort of incidental. It makes me question whether you truly love your fiance, or whether you just want to have A Wedding and be The Bride.

 

I could have sworn that I mentioned my love for my fiance. Read my post again. I don't think that wanting a nice wedding means that I don't love him. By your questionable logic, every bride that has a big fairytale wedding is only concerned about the lavish day. Having a destination wedding, when it's not what I want is a sacrifice. I love my fiance and I also wish I could have my larger wedding. Show me how that means I don't love my man.

 

You are perceiving me as being stuck on the wedding, just because I am expressing my sadness at not having one. If the big party was the most important aspect to me, why would I still marry my fiance if I couldn't have it? You're not making any sense.

[BlackLovely]

I get where you're coming from...the wedding thing anyway. Makes you feel kinda robbed huh. I didn't even get a proposal, more of a "you in? Yep. You? Yep". I doubt I'll even be in the dress when we are married.

 

You know what though. It won't matter to us later on down the track. I'll just be glad to be with him and be his wife. Your doubts will go away and when you're married to him, it won't matter. You could always have the big ceremony etc later on. The other brides you see are doing it their way, you're doing it yours. They could have an amazing day and be divorced 2 years later. Your relationship is what matters.

 

Exactly. I feel robbed and cheated. I am only doing it this way, because it is what we can afford.

My therapist says the same thing, about couples with big weddings who end up sitting across from her in two months.

Perhaps I wouldn't be having these sad thoughts, if I didn't live in such an affluent area. The mansions are proudly displayed while the apartments are in hidden enclaves, almost like they are embarrassments.

I'm so happy to have met my fiance, but I wish I could have a wedding as beautiful as our love.

Our destination wedding will be very nice and so will the honeymoon. I need to enjoy it as much as I can; my man would be heartbroken if I looked sad.

Thanks for understanding mama.

[BlackLovely]

I believe I understand how you feel BL.

 

I am planning a wedding for about 2 months from now. With all the bells and whistles, I still wouldn't have a huge wedding... 40 people perhaps... I was never one for the enormous weddings with all the trimmings. If I spent $7K on my second wedding I would have gotten more than I ever wanted. But we can't even spend $1K. He has family in the south, mine are in the north. Decided to meet in the middle and do the JOP thing, and drive it because flights are too pricey. My bands cost a hair over $200, his cost $40. I haven't bought a dress yet. I wonder if we will be able to afford a professional photographer - the only thing I didn't have the first time around that I absolutely regret (not that I want them to make the album, I just want a few professional shots).

 

But it is what it is, BL. We are not (yet? blessed with having won the money lottery. We were blessed with winning the lottery of wonderful men who want to give us the moon, and they will someday. Don't worry about keeping up with the "Jones'" because they are heavily in debt, and he goes to strip clubs to avoid dealing with his alcoholic, prozac-taking wife. ;p

Sorry to hear about your disappointment. I guess I'm lucky that I can even afford to go to a resort, instead of the courthouse.

My friend told me that the wives who live in the mansions, have hubbies that screw 20 year old girls and simply dump money in their wives laps, to shut them up. That would be a strange and dysfunctional situation.

I only want to buy a condo one day and be able to go on vacation every year. Is that too much to ask? I will never know why the wives around me never had long term unemployment to deal with. At least our relationship was strengthened.

[BlackLovely]

<big hugs, BL>

 

You are not alone. I/we am dealing with the same thing. My partner and I don't even live in the same cities so we can only meet for weeks at a time when I have breaks from work. Like you, we were faced with a choice of either putting it off indefinitely and being engaged for another year (or more) or doing it now and trying to work out a way to accommodate ourselves and as many others as possible. We chose to do a destination wedding, too.

 

I'm curious to know how friends and family are reacting in your case. In our case, my in-law (foreign) is taking it well, but it's my immediate family that seems to be flipping out. Not entirely unanticipated but the degree to which they're upset is something I didn't foresee. Now we've got to mend fences on top of everything else.

 

Personally, my partner and I are not big wedding ceremony people. It's enough for me to get married and get on with our lives. I get the sense that in your case maybe you want a more traditional and more formal ceremony? I don't know...I think the important thing is to remember what's important. So many couple have grand weddings and they end up in divorce court later. It's better to have a rather mundane or simple wedding and to have a strong marriage. That's the important thing. Try to keep it in perspective.

I did want something more traditional. Once again, nothing huge, just with the family and friends we love, a reception and a wedding party

Our families are not pleased with us. They don't seem to understand that we simply cannot afford a traditional wedding. My mother in law wanted us to marry in her backyard, but then my mother would have had an issue with that. What makes this worse in my parent's eyes is that I am the only daughter, which means I should have a huge thing.

I'm just going to need to suck it up. It's too bad that we can't afford a larger wedding, but I still have a loving partner and a strong relationship.

[denise_xo]

I did want something more traditional. Once again, nothing huge, just with the family and friends we love, a reception and a wedding party

Our families are not pleased with us. They don't seem to understand that we simply cannot afford a traditional wedding. My mother in law wanted us to marry in her backyard, but then my mother would have had an issue with that. What makes this worse in my parent's eyes is that I am the only daughter, which means I should have a huge thing.

I'm just going to need to suck it up. It's too bad that we can't afford a larger wedding, but I still have a loving partner and a strong relationship.

 

When I got married, everything we did was for the 'family' and the 'community' and personally I had no sense of ownership over the proceedings. I didn't care either, I've never liked rituals or looked forward to being a 'bride', and to me it was just something we went through to be able to be together (I was in a part of the world where cohabitation or even having a boyfriend was not part of the social repertoire). We did consider escaping to an embassy somewhere which would have made it more 'ours', but in the end decided against it as we were pretty broke and it would have been a more expensive option. What we discussed though but never did and which might be an option for you is to have a big anniversary party at some point in the future. I know it won't be like the real, traditional wedding that you want, but it could be something nice to look forward to and which you can plan in whatever way you want once you get some money together. In any case, congratulations to you and enjoy married life!

[Eeyore79]

I could have sworn that I mentioned my love for my fiance. Read my post again. I don't think that wanting a nice wedding means that I don't love him. By your questionable logic, every bride that has a big fairytale wedding is only concerned about the lavish day. Having a destination wedding, when it's not what I want is a sacrifice.

 

I still don't get it. I'd be so grateful and overjoyed that a decent man wanted to spend the rest of his life with me that I wouldn't care if we got married at City Hall and had a McDonalds afterwards.

 

Of course in an ideal world I'd like a nice wedding, but I wouldn't be sad about not having one, just like I'm not sad about not having the numerous other things that other people have which I can't afford. I'm simply grateful for what I do have, I don't covet the things I can't have. What you're saying is that having a wonderful man isn't enough for you, you're still sad because you can't have a stupidly expensive party... it just seems rather ungrateful to me.

[amerikajin]

I did want something more traditional. Once again, nothing huge, just with the family and friends we love, a reception and a wedding party

 

Totally understandable. Maybe a bit disappointing, but try to keep it in perspective. Getting amped up about the wedding sometimes shifts the focus on what's real. The reality is, no matter how grand and spectacular your wedding day is, it's just one day out of your life. Sure, I know it's more than just a day psychologically, but in the end, it is what it is. Keep balance in your relationship and never get too high and never get too low.

 

Our families are not pleased with us. They don't seem to understand that we simply cannot afford a traditional wedding. My mother in law wanted us to marry in her backyard, but then my mother would have had an issue with that. What makes this worse in my parent's eyes is that I am the only daughter, which means I should have a huge thing.

 

Parents are always going to compare your experiences to theirs. They probably figure, "We did it, so why can't you?"

 

Also, yeah, being the only child makes it even more complicated. They've probably been looking forward to this day for a long time and always imagined they'd be a part of it. In my case, my mother has already seen my older half-brother's wedding, but I am the baby of the family, so I think I'm dealing with the same dynamics. I don't think we can blame parents for being parents and wanting to be a part of this, but I also think parents and family should try to be more flexible and supportive.

 

I'm just going to need to suck it up. It's too bad that we can't afford a larger wedding, but I still have a loving partner and a strong relationship.

 

Yeah, that's probably the best way to look at it.

[allina]

I still don't get it. I'd be so grateful and overjoyed that a decent man wanted to spend the rest of his life with me that I wouldn't care if we got married at City Hall and had a McDonalds afterwards.

 

Of course in an ideal world I'd like a nice wedding, but I wouldn't be sad about not having one, just like I'm not sad about not having the numerous other things that other people have which I can't afford. I'm simply grateful for what I do have, I don't covet the things I can't have. What you're saying is that having a wonderful man isn't enough for you, you're still sad because you can't have a stupidly expensive party... it just seems rather ungrateful to me.

 

This is a great point. However I'm really not understanding how a destination wedding is the cheap way to go

 

And my issue with all this is the first paragraph in the OP's opening post. She mentions being sad over the loss of freedom and no more butterflies, not sadness about the destination wedding.

 

I don't know, it doesn't sit well with me to be perfectly honest.

[amerikajin]

This is a great point. However I'm really not understanding how a destination wedding is the cheap way to go

 

In a lot of cases - not all but many - it is indeed cheaper. My fiancee and I looked into comparing the costs of the two and it's definitely cheaper than even a small wedding. It would be easier if the wedding industry wouldn't charge $100 for this and that, but it adds up, especially when you have family that lives all over the country. If you are all living within the same area, that's different. An added bonus to a destination wedding is that you've got the honeymoon and the wedding all rolled into one. A wedding itself is more expensive than both -- at least it is where we were planning to have it. Families can obviously help cover the cost, but then they tend to get involved, take over, and clash over who gets to pay for (i.e. control) what. It becomes a circus and increasingly people are saying enough. Unfortunately, traditionalists get upset by it.

 

And my issue with all this is the first paragraph in the OP's opening post. She mentions being sad over the loss of freedom and no more butterflies, not sadness about the destination wedding.

 

I don't know, it doesn't sit well with me to be perfectly honest.

 

Yeah, that would somewhat concern me, as well. Before my current relationship, I was engaged once before. I remember that when I moved in with her I felt the same way she's describing right now: unsure of what losing the single life meant. There were other reasons we failed, but when I look back on it, maybe I didn't go into that relationship with the best mentality. Personally, I think you can't have any doubts.

 

That said, I think it is normal to go through a cycle of emotions. If this is just a temporary period of jitters or confusion, that's understandable. It's one thing to visualize a marriage and quite another to know that you're about to get married. I don't think it's uncommon to go through cycles of emotions a time or two before the big event. And it's probably compounded by all the stress she feels like she's getting from the outside.

 

In my case, I had been coasting into our marriage until I explained to my family that we had decided to get married and that we wanted to do a destination wedding and a reception, only to run into a major wall there. In the time since, I've been going through those cycles of emotions that I've described, although I am basically back on track now.

 

Only BL knows what's truly going on. I say if it's just a cycle of emotions then let it ride and ride it out. If it's something deeper, though, then postpone the wedding and just enjoy the vacation and see where things lead.

[BlackLovely]

I still don't get it. I'd be so grateful and overjoyed that a decent man wanted to spend the rest of his life with me that I wouldn't care if we got married at City Hall and had a McDonalds afterwards.

 

Of course in an ideal world I'd like a nice wedding, but I wouldn't be sad about not having one, just like I'm not sad about not having the numerous other things that other people have which I can't afford. I'm simply grateful for what I do have, I don't covet the things I can't have. What you're saying is that having a wonderful man isn't enough for you, you're still sad because you can't have a stupidly expensive party... it just seems rather ungrateful to me.

I think you get it, you just don't agree is all. I'm not going to try to change your view.

Everyone has different taste. You can be happy with City Hall and Mcdonalds, but most women would want something much classier than that.