A Dignified Exit

[lilbunny]

I have decided that after today, no matter what MM comes out with I am alking away. I haven't seen him for several weeks due to summer holidays. I returned to work today. We were LC after the suitcase incident, time to think supposedly.

 

I got in touch a few days ago and got no response. It was very casual and friendly, no mention of the issues or R. I decided this morning to say hi after much debating, it was bothering me and I felt it was better to get it out of the way early in the day and spare myself from walking into each other in a more public area and feeling uncomfortable. We spoke for a while, again I kept it light, but got the sense he wanted to get away from me.

 

He has very much stayed away all day, I have seen him trailing around with a girl I dislike (his security to keep me out of his way?) I really don't recognise this man. It was like he was doing things on purpose to wind me up and try to hurt me. I held it together all day, but I came home from work and broke down.

 

I am ready to walk away now and want it to be dignified. It seemed like he had no desire to see or speak to me today and was very detched and rather cold. Complete NC is not possible, but I can sever all personal ties.

 

Should I just back away and say nothing, making no contact and responding to none, or is it better to explain my decision and make it clear.

[skywriter]

Hi lilbunny,

 

I wouldn't say it's "better" to walk away with a quiet dignity, but I'd say that would be my choice in your situation.

 

Explaining your reasons for walking away and being clear as to why may give him the impression that you are weaker than you actually are. It may also make him feel that he is more important than you want him to feel he is, just feeding his ego.

 

I would just back away quietly and let him get the message on his own. If he has any questions, you'd be the first to know.

Edited September 1, 2010 by skywriter

[lilbunny]

Hi lilbunny,

 

I wouldn't say it's "better" to walk away with a quiet dignity, but I'd say that would be my choice in your situation.

 

Explaining your reasons for walking away and being clear as to why may give him the impression that you are weaker than you actually are. It may also make him feel that he is more important than you want him to feel he is, just feeding his ego.

 

I would just back away quietly and let him get the message on his own. If he has any questions, you be the first to know.

 

Thanks for the advice. I have lots of questions about why he is being this way, and I'd have always given him credit for being upfront about his thoughts and feelings. I'm not going to get a straight answer the way he is at the moment.

 

I've heard some pretty tough truths to hear from him in the past. I am sad and angry that instead of telling me what he wants from me he is playing some silly game or other.

 

Your sig instantly tells me you are wise

[Pink_orchid]

I would agree, and I think, the best thing is to back off quietly, but it's easier said than done, I KNOW!! You'll probably want an explanation from him, you'll maybe want to tell him how disappointed you are, how puzzled you are, how upset you are etc etc, I know I did, and I asked all these questions... and just sent him further away... and made myself feel a fool. It isn't nice of him to be cool towards you. I haven't read your history littlebunny but I can tell you're hurt. Give him a dose of his own medicine and act like he's no-one special. It will give you a lot more power than contacting him and giving him a long speech (I speak from experience...). When you have appeared not to be bothered, he will be wondering why. Good luck. If you've had enough of him, the end is always terrible, but it's a new beginning.

[2sure]

Every time you contact him or seek him out to say Hi...you are making your exit less dignified.

 

When next he speaks to you, if it is not in a professional capacity...walk away and signal your exit using universal sign language.

 

He'll completely understand in what regard you hold him...which is quite a ways beneath yourself.

[ladydesigner]

I would agree, and I think, the best thing is to back off quietly, but it's easier said than done, I KNOW!! You'll probably want an explanation from him, you'll maybe want to tell him how disappointed you are, how puzzled you are, how upset you are etc etc, I know I did, and I asked all these questions... and just sent him further away... and made myself feel a fool. It isn't nice of him to be cool towards you. I haven't read your history littlebunny but I can tell you're hurt. Give him a dose of his own medicine and act like he's no-one special. It will give you a lot more power than contacting him and giving him a long speech (I speak from experience...). When you have appeared not to be bothered, he will be wondering why. Good luck. If you've had enough of him, the end is always terrible, but it's a new beginning.

 

Yep I did this same exact thing with my XAP and yes feeling like a fool is putting it mildly. I wish I would have never contacted him again after his ending email to me. Instead I fell for the ol' "let's just be friends"...ha!

 

Yes exit quietly. I feel for you that you have to work with him, as that will be a constant reminder. Maybe you can begin to look for a new place of employment and really seal the deal;)

 

NC has been the best thing for me. It allowed me to finally heal. If my XAP had it his way he would have stayed friends with me forever. He even claimed I was his best friend:lmao:

 

Anyways I am sorry you are hurting and ending, but I agree with the others let silence speak your words to him.

[lilbunny]

Every time you contact him or seek him out to say Hi...you are making your exit less dignified.

 

When next he speaks to you, if it is not in a professional capacity...walk away and signal your exit using universal sign language.

 

He'll completely understand in what regard you hold him...which is quite a ways beneath yourself.

 

I had no plans to make any sort of exit when I went in this morning, I had hoped he just hadn't checked his facebook account (I rarely look at mine). The agreement we had was to have time out until we went back to work and then discuss things after that. I did what I would normally do.

 

I love him, I don't know what has happened, he had a chance to tell me this morning. I have never seen him behave like this. I'm not sure he has given me any choice in the matter. I don't think he is beneath me at all. I just can't find any justification for this behaviour.

 

Much as it made me smile I'm not sure the 'universal sign language' is really me!

[jj33]

Back away. Say nothing. Post your heart out.

 

I know how painful it is to see someone you love and think hes been replaced by a pod.

 

He didnt contact you when you tried an ice breaker which must have hurt like h*ll. He walked around with a lilbunny shield all day (that woman). He doesnt want contact.

 

Honey he has already walked away. Saying something now will only make you feel worse. I know its hard to bear hard to hear and hard to believe and accept but that is how it is.

 

Brace yourself for the next few days. Its work and you need to focus and keep your concentration. He may try to tart around with other women in the office to get your attention or to make himself feel better because its awkward.

 

But at least based on my experience, saying something doesnt help.

 

In time he may want to talk to you and you may or may not want to speak to him.

 

I hate talking to xMM I have no desire to share the how are you? Oh thats great. Good vacation. Terrific. Nice weather for September isnt it.

 

When all you want to say is WHAT ARE YOU THINKING HAVE YOU BEEN REPLACED BY A POD?

 

 

There is nothing you can say that he doesnt know. He knows you love him. He knows he hurt you. He knows you are done with the BS (not betrayed spouse).

 

You will feel better in the long run that after having given him your heart you have not shared your post A grieving with him as well. You may say you dont plan on doing that but there is nothing to explain. A good slap upside the head? Yeah he probably deserves that - I mean he couldnt respond to an ice breaker email. ExMM used to do that after it was over, he only responded when it suited him. And its hurtful.

 

Let him wonder why you arent chasing after him trying to make things comfortable. Let him be the one who finally tries to forge a comfortable relationship. Dont do all the work for him.

 

Hang in there it will get better with time.

[lilbunny]

Yep I did this same exact thing with my XAP and yes feeling like a fool is putting it mildly. I wish I would have never contacted him again after his ending email to me. Instead I fell for the ol' "let's just be friends"...ha!

 

Yes exit quietly. I feel for you that you have to work with him, as that will be a constant reminder. Maybe you can begin to look for a new place of employment and really seal the deal;)

 

NC has been the best thing for me. It allowed me to finally heal. If my XAP had it his way he would have stayed friends with me forever. He even claimed I was his best friend:lmao:

 

Anyways I am sorry you are hurting and ending, but I agree with the others let silence speak your words to him.

 

I am glad you have healed now LD.

I initially ended things because I didn't want to be an OW any longer. He turned up a couple of days later in a state, bags packed. I sent him away to be certain, told him I loved him but didn't want to be resented as a mistake and he should spend time making sure, which is how we came to this point.

 

All I can think is that he is either sure and hasn't got the guts to tell me, or this is my punishment for sending him away? Either way it seems pretty unacceptable to treat me this way.

 

He too was determined we would always be friends no matter what.

[jj33]

Wait you sent him away with his bags packed? Where did he go? Did he go home? Or is he living alone now?

[lilbunny]

Wait you sent him away with his bags packed? Where did he go? Did he go home? Or is he living alone now?

 

He came to my house a few days after I told him I couldn't go on the way were were with stuff packed. He was in an awful state, in no condition to decide anything. I wasn't convinced he was sure what the hell he was doing or why he was doing it. I reassured him he was loved and wanted but he he needed to be calm, rational and not run out of the frying pan into the fire.

He had just gone, said nothing, so I told him to go home and be sure, we would talk sometime next month and if it was what he really wanted he should move out into his own place. It wasn't for me, it killed me to do it. I thought it was the best thing for him.

[Ellin]

I don't know the details but I'm trying to imagine it from his point of view. He thought you wanted him to leave his W and come to be with you, so that's what he did and it must have been very hard for him. He gathered the courage and took the leap, and expected you to be happy but instead you told him to go back to his W, which left him feeling hurt, disappointed and humiliated.

 

In the cold light of the next morning your words about how loved he is might not have meant that much, just like many OW don't feel loved because their MM's words are not matched by actions.

 

He might have felt like a complete fool after that or thought that you just played around with him.

 

I'm not saying that you're to blame or did something wrong, because you're really lovely and I know that you had his best interest at heart and wanted to do it the right way, but that's how it MIGHT look from his perspective, which would explain his behavior.

 

This is just a guess.

 

Anyhow, if you feel you want to move on completely, then IMO it would be better to say nothing.

 

I hope everything will get sorted out for you with time.

I wish you all the best, you deserve happiness.

[lilbunny]

I don't know the details but I'm trying to imagine it from his point of view. He thought you wanted him to leave his W and come to be with you, so that's what he did and it must have been very hard for him. He gathered the courage and took the leap, and expected you to be happy but instead you told him to go back to his W, which left him feeling hurt, disappointed and humiliated.

 

In the cold light of the next morning your words about how loved he is might not have meant that much, just like many OW don't feel loved because their MM's words are not matched by actions.

 

He might have felt like a complete fool after that or thought that you just played around with him.

 

I'm not saying that you're to blame or did something wrong, because you're really lovely and I know that you had his best interest at heart and wanted to do it the right way, but that's how it MIGHT look from his perspective, which would explain his behavior.

 

This is just a guess.

 

Anyhow, if you feel you want to move on completely, then IMO it would be better to say nothing.

 

I hope everything will get sorted out for you with time.

I wish you all the best, you deserve happiness.

 

Thanks Ellin. I worried about this. He was a real wreck, he hadn't even told her he was leaving, just went while she was out because he couldn't face it. That is not a man who is ready to leave. He couldn't even tell me he was sure he was doing the right thing. Just kept saying 'I don't know'. At first I asked him to at least go home and tell her to her face. He suffers from anxiety attacks and had a bad one in my front room, I thought I was going to have to take him to hospital at one point.

 

We were in regular contact for the first couple of weeks after that and he seemed relieved that the pressure was off him and seemed pretty happy with things. He had asked me repeatedly not to push him, I stop and this is how it goes.

 

It has just come to me if he couldn't tell his W he was leaving he prob can't tell me he isn't. Still doesn't explain the mean behaviour though.

[jj33]

You're a wise woman LB. If hes been ready to go hed be gone now and hes not. Much as it killed you to do it, you did it and you need to stick to it.

 

I amend my earlier post to say you stepped away, you put out an olive branch, he will speak when he is ready in the meantime much as its gotta hurt, be proud that you did the right thing for both of you.

[desertIslandCactus]

I have no idea if his humiliation or the time away from you has been used by him to toughen up ... or if he may have a new relationship.

 

Since he hadn't told his W, and is subject to the anxiety attacks - you have no way of knowing if he would have stayed with you.. or if he was certain of his decision to move from his M.

 

I say, since you have to work around him - be pleasant only if he looks your way. But no need to act anything but professional arund him.

 

Unfortuneatly, as you ignore him - he may probably begin talking to you .. But for your own well being, I think you should have your own life - especially on the work site.

[pureinheart]

I have decided that after today, no matter what MM comes out with I am alking away. I haven't seen him for several weeks due to summer holidays. I returned to work today. We were LC after the suitcase incident, time to think supposedly.

 

I got in touch a few days ago and got no response. It was very casual and friendly, no mention of the issues or R. I decided this morning to say hi after much debating, it was bothering me and I felt it was better to get it out of the way early in the day and spare myself from walking into each other in a more public area and feeling uncomfortable. We spoke for a while, again I kept it light, but got the sense he wanted to get away from me.

 

He has very much stayed away all day, I have seen him trailing around with a girl I dislike (his security to keep me out of his way?) I really don't recognise this man. It was like he was doing things on purpose to wind me up and try to hurt me. I held it together all day, but I came home from work and broke down.

 

I am ready to walk away now and want it to be dignified. It seemed like he had no desire to see or speak to me today and was very detched and rather cold. Complete NC is not possible, but I can sever all personal ties.

 

Should I just back away and say nothing, making no contact and responding to none, or is it better to explain my decision and make it clear.

 

Based on what you said, he has already been doing the partial NC thing and avoiding you anyway. IMO to try to initiate contact for the purpose of no contact is just wanting to get his attention.

 

Men want what they want...if he is not calling you, then I would say he has moved on or else he would be blowing your phone up.

 

BTW, I know this hurts and he is being an a$$ by just leaving you to wonder, that is not cool and I know it hurts, although possibly you are better off without him....(((((((((LB)))))))))

[Ellin]

Thanks Ellin. I worried about this. He was a real wreck, he hadn't even told her he was leaving, just went while she was out because he couldn't face it. That is not a man who is ready to leave. He couldn't even tell me he was sure he was doing the right thing. Just kept saying 'I don't know'. At first I asked him to at least go home and tell her to her face. He suffers from anxiety attacks and had a bad one in my front room, I thought I was going to have to take him to hospital at one point.

 

We were in regular contact for the first couple of weeks after that and he seemed relieved that the pressure was off him and seemed pretty happy with things. He had asked me repeatedly not to push him, I stop and this is how it goes.

 

It has just come to me if he couldn't tell his W he was leaving he prob can't tell me he isn't. Still doesn't explain the mean behaviour though.

 

My goodness, this guy needs some serious help and one thing is clear - you'd have big problems with him no matter what you did.

 

If you feel ready to let it go, then it's the best outcome for you, it seems.

 

Will you be able to do that, while you have to keep seeing him?

 

As others said you're wise and strong and should be proud of yourself.

 

Good luck!

[Emerald Yawn]

You needn't worry about an exit...

We were LC... time to think supposedly...

 

I got in touch a few days ago and got no response...got the sense he wanted to get away from me.

 

He has very much stayed away... (... keep me out of his way?)

He has already bailed.

[pureinheart]

Thanks for the advice. I have lots of questions about why he is being this way, and I'd have always given him credit for being upfront about his thoughts and feelings. I'm not going to get a straight answer the way he is at the moment.

 

I've heard some pretty tough truths to hear from him in the past. I am sad and angry that instead of telling me what he wants from me he is playing some silly game or other.

 

Your sig instantly tells me you are wise

 

Possibly what happened is what happened in my sitch...exDM had a talk with a co-worker about his M sitch..the co-worker is the one that approached him to begin with (also this co-worker had the hots for exDM:eek:...lol...no manipulation there!).

 

Out of nowhere exDM got REALLY weird with me, like WTH???? Come to find out later on that this co-worker talked to him about the financial aspects of D and filled his head with half truths...we live in a no fault state and the co-worker knew exDM worships the money god...I was soooo pissed. But, before I knew what was going on I just said whatever, and moved on till he approached me.

[pureinheart]

Every time you contact him or seek him out to say Hi...you are making your exit less dignified.

 

When next he speaks to you, if it is not in a professional capacity...walk away and signal your exit using universal sign language.

 

He'll completely understand in what regard you hold him...which is quite a ways beneath yourself.

 

Also..."talk to the hand" !!!!!

[2sunny]

Thanks Ellin. I worried about this. He was a real wreck, he hadn't even told her he was leaving, just went while she was out because he couldn't face it. That is not a man who is ready to leave. He couldn't even tell me he was sure he was doing the right thing. Just kept saying 'I don't know'. At first I asked him to at least go home and tell her to her face. He suffers from anxiety attacks and had a bad one in my front room, I thought I was going to have to take him to hospital at one point.

 

We were in regular contact for the first couple of weeks after that and he seemed relieved that the pressure was off him and seemed pretty happy with things. He had asked me repeatedly not to push him, I stop and this is how it goes.

 

It has just come to me if he couldn't tell his W he was leaving he prob can't tell me he isn't. Still doesn't explain the mean behaviour though.

 

that's not a man - that's a little boy testing the waters but sure that he left the other door open in case he needed to run back.

 

are you looking to date a little boy?

 

if not, don't ever speak to him again... you dodged a huge bullet. be grateful!

[lilbunny]

why do you feel as if you owe him an explanation? is it really just an excuse to, and i do not say this with malice or ugly intent, talk to him and get him to 'like you' again? if you want to be dignified, walk away. you tried to contact him, and he basically gave you the brush off. he will come up with how you are imagining him not wanting to talk to you, you are being paranoid, etc.

 

if you really want to be done and mean it, then walk away. do you believe you owe him an explanation? why do you believe that?

 

i am sorry you cried when you got home.

 

Thanks, better out than in my mother always says!

 

I suppose I am hurt that he hasn't had the decency to be upfront. If he wanted to end all contact, end things altogether then he only had to say the word and I would have absolutely respected that. I am shocked by his behaviour today, he has done a few things that seemed very much designed to get a rise out of me and I don't understand why (we all have our baggage, but anxiety and paranoia are his issues and not something I am prone to so I'm not imagining things).

 

I'm not sure I think I owe him an explanation as such, just to state clearly that as far as I am concerned it is over, there is no road back and that I would prefer not to have any contact other than something forced by work. There is every possibility he will be come sauntering in like nothing has happened in the next week, I'd rather not have to deal with that or be guilty of doing the same thing that I am so upset about being on the receiving end of. It makes me feel a bit cowardly.

[2sunny]

Thanks, better out than in my mother always says!

 

I suppose I am hurt that he hasn't had the decency to be upfront. If he wanted to end all contact, end things altogether then he only had to say the word and I would have absolutely respected that. I am shocked by his behaviour today, he has done a few things that seemed very much designed to get a rise out of me and I don't understand why (we all have our baggage, but anxiety and paranoia are his issues and not something I am prone to so I'm not imagining things).

 

I'm not sure I think I owe him an explanation as such, just to state clearly that as far as I am concerned it is over, there is no road back and that I would prefer not to have any contact other than something forced by work. There is every possibility he will be come sauntering in like nothing has happened in the next week, I'd rather not have to deal with that or be guilty of doing the same thing that I am so upset about being on the receiving end of. It makes me feel a bit cowardly.

 

the best way to allow him to understand that it's over - is to not be bothered with him or by him anymore.

 

silence is all the action you need to show him. that should tell him everything he needs to know.

[lilbunny]

the best way to allow him to understand that it's over - is to not be bothered with him or by him anymore.

 

silence is all the action you need to show him. that should tell him everything he needs to know.

 

Didn't do too bad a job of faking that today, at least in his presence.

 

I am struggling with the things he has done today, they are so utterly out of character, but they are making it so much easier to walk away. The fool inside me probably harbours the hope that maybe somewhere deep down he knows that.

 

I am starting to think saying nothing is for the best, I might only talk myself out of it.

[breaking_bad]

Thanks, better out than in my mother always says!

 

I suppose I am hurt that he hasn't had the decency to be upfront. If he wanted to end all contact, end things altogether then he only had to say the word and I would have absolutely respected that. I am shocked by his behaviour today, he has done a few things that seemed very much designed to get a rise out of me and I don't understand why (we all have our baggage, but anxiety and paranoia are his issues and not something I am prone to so I'm not imagining things).

 

I'm not sure I think I owe him an explanation as such, just to state clearly that as far as I am concerned it is over, there is no road back and that I would prefer not to have any contact other than something forced by work. There is every possibility he will be come sauntering in like nothing has happened in the next week, I'd rather not have to deal with that or be guilty of doing the same thing that I am so upset about being on the receiving end of. It makes me feel a bit cowardly.

 

Hi bunny I was going to ask how things went today.

 

It sounds actually like not bad, considering the circumstances. I think holding it together at work and crying at home, well that's pretty strong and healthy if you ask me.

 

And on the NC thing, everyone who is telling you to leave it alone and not approach him I believe are right. From what you explain, you were extremely smart to see he was not really ready to leave. And we've learned here over and over where that road goes, no matter how many different ways there are to get there.

 

So you could explain to him why you went NC, but I will tell you (based on personal experience) that it sounds like you want to open a dialogue so that he will explain to you what happened, and what's going on because you're frustrated that he could behave in this way - offering no explaination or not allowing you to offer one. It is really irritating and sad and honestly, it can keep you hanging on and not moving on.

 

But from personal experience, if he wanted to/could offer you that explaination, he would. If he wanted to/could act like a grown up, he would. He probalby had a few opportunities to have a legitimate talk with you, and he didn't take it. Even if you went to him and said "here's why I acted the way I acted, here's why I went NC" it would probably make him really uncomfortable, and you would get the opposite of what you were looking for. When he's ready he will do it. If he's never ready, you'll never speak of it again, and have a very superficial work relationship, and it's best to be prepared to be OK with that.

 

The more and more I hear these stories from all of you, the more I realize that these guys are just not built for confrontation. Explains alot....