Am i doing this right? sorry long post, need your help

[rich_1517]

Hi

I am looking for advice on what you see here, meaning whats your take and how should i proceed. I am not asking about whether this relationship is worth it, i know sometimes thats the part people focus on after a break up. I am asking myself these questions already. I want this back if it can happen.

 

Background - 3 year relationship, lots of love, tenderness, not much fighting but resolvable disagreements, common values, compatible beliefs, trust always and best freinds.

 

I started having problems with my business starting at six months in, this lead to finances becomming harder and harder and me becomming less "in it" out of fear around work.

 

Lack of acceptance - I couldnt handle her shutting down intimately she always needed me to start things up. She couldnt accept my smoking and diet and not paying attention to details.

 

She invited me to move in twice once two years ago then again in september, I backed off and said i wanted to be secure finanically before i did that, that i would be comming in with baggage, I also said that i was concerned about her intimicy stuff. I know i hurt her and was really avoiding committment. I became less fun in the fall, less willing to go out, less wanting to be in bed with her.

 

In december i went back east to put my dad into a dementia care facility. While i know she understood some, i think the combined me being not fun and missing christmas took its toll. Being passive agressive as she is i couldnt see that she was topped out. so after i asked her to please give me some support right now, that this is really hard and will she change. she said no and left. POOF! is about as close as it gets. from here to gone, done over.

 

Then she changes it to i want "two months" to decide what i want.

 

I go to her the first week and own that i had been selfish, uncommital and not dealing with business the way i should have and created financial hardship for us both. that i also had created an unfun bed environment by always harping on wanting her to pay attention to me and i am willing to intiate if my choice is no you. shes listens then says i still want two months. shes strong.

 

So begin no contact - no calls, no emails, no flowers, nothing.

 

The she starts calling about three weeks in, and calling, and then finds an excuse to get together. this is fgreat i think i will play it cool, no pressure, nothing just have fun. this lasts for five hours. If i had it to over again i would have built in an exit plan. so we end up at dinner at restaurant she has wanted to take me to. This is now too much so i ask "whats up"? she says she is still deciding if she wants me as a freind or boyfreind. Ooops. I say this is a little strange, and very mixed signals, She apologised for crossing boundaries and i got sad, she felt bad. ended night saying its ok to her, she didnt want to kiss.

 

Next day i take responibility for pushing and apologise, that i understand she is sorting it out. She writes back we have to be freinds right now and she doesnt want to get my hopes up. I am crushed. then she calls again later to chat!

 

I wait a day to calm down then call her to say we cant be freinds right now, im too emotionally entangled. but that when i am ready i will call her. if she wants more than that she can contact me. she starts to argue but respects it. I take it back later and say i need no contact for a week to find work.

 

Week of her not contacting me passes, i wonder if she will call, She does about her laptop i am fixing and other things of no importance, she wants to know if its ok to call, i say yes. then she starts asking how am i doing? whats the work situation? hows quitting smoking? the house, the freinds etc. I am upbeat, cheerful, jokes, etc. I was little concerned she was worried about me. I dont want her worrying that isnt going to help. She wanted to be sure i got her new work number, she asked if i was going out, I said i seem to be doing a lot of bowling and maybe going scuabe diving with freinds. she says so your going out a lot? I say no but living alone makes me want to get out more. I end the conversation early but say it was good to talk to you.

 

So heres my dilemma. Its five weeks in on this deciding period. I have been resigned to letting it keep going this was and keep withdrawing more and more to see if she will follow. becuase she gives no clues its the only thing i see that i can do. She has said she doesnt want to be pursued and i believe the no contact reasons not to.

 

But am looking like a wimp or fool because i am letting this two month thing exist for me without saying im not here anymore? i have no idea how to proceed on this i need your advice. I keep getting stronger and going out more. I am not waiting by the phone. I do want her back and i want the chance. What do you see?

[Darkangelism]

Odds are against it, if she hasnt fought the no contact then she prolly is ver you, its time to start looking for a new girl.

[rich_1517]

Im confused what do you mean when you say she hasnt fought the no contact. she has been calling and trying to get information. I have not been calling. please explain.

[purpleknif67]

because it is time to move on. I have to re-read your entry, but she is really playing games with your head--I'd say it is time to ignore her calls, move on slowly and treat yourself well during this healing time--the farther you stay away from this women the better--it sounds like you were always apologizing, way too much!!!

[opentonewadvice]

The first thing you must do is open your eyes to the situation more clearly because you have lead the relationship with your heart it seems which people usually do. Respect then follows as well. But in this case your ex has broken some rules. and has simply used you as a door mat to feed her own insecurities she feels about the relationship. Take a long look at your present situation , changes you have made and your progress, and then think about the reasons the two of you had your past conflicts. And decide whether some of those issues, should be resolved and talked out, a bit furthur before you start jumping back on the band wagon. It also seems to me like she just wants to come around more concerned now because she is getting afraid of losing you. realizing even how the grass is not so greener on the other side. especially since she see you doing more with your time. She also seems like the type who wants you to beg and is begging for your attention. When she should have been more open and communicated more with you from the start. So now is your chance to be the open one for the both of you. and explain to her how u have felt straight forward and pace yourself do not play petty games with her, or let her predict your moves so easily don't give in as she wants. Overall there needs to be a equal balance of love, respect, and compassion. and if she cannot live up to those things and there is no compromising then it is truly time to move on and find someone else who will respect you and your feelings.