pregnant with lovers child

[LiYojeria]

I am 25 years old and I've been married for 3 1/2 years, and together for a total of 6 years. My husband and I live like roomates now. Hardly have sex, and when we do, it's quick, uneventful, and ends in me faking, (which he knows).

 

My husband is totally in love with me. But I haven't been able to feel the same exact feelings for him.

 

I went outside my marriage to find "that feeling" and "mind boggling sex"; and sadly I found it. He's a great guy, we've fallen in love. I've been having an affair for 1 1/2 yr and I found I'm 2 1/2 months pregnant with his child (which would be my 1st). He wants me to have it, but I think the right thing to do is abort. He supports any decision I would make.

 

He doesn't have a great job like my husband, and can barely support himself. I'm unemployed, and my husband and I have a beautiful home.

 

If I confess to my husband I KNOW he will divorce me, and kick me out on the streets. Confessing I would lose my nice home, and the stability my husband provides.

 

 

Confused

[dyermaker]

I'm not going to get all morally high-and-mighty on you, but you should do some reading before having an abortion. It's not as quick/easy a solution to your "problem" as you think. Do some reading, and keep an open mind.

[meanon]

The pregnancy will make you particularly vulnerable to feelings of insecurity and instability. Longer term, whatever happens with the pregnancy, you are going to have to tackle this problem.

 

You do not love your husband and it has driven you outside the marriage. This can't go on - he may love you but he'll find out eventually and then what? It's kinder to let him go now. You have it within you to make a happy life for yourself, to stand on your own two feet.

 

Don't get yourself in a position where you feel forced into having an abortion without thinking through the long term implications for yourself. It's hard to do this alone - please get some counselling, available in some countries through abortion clinics. If you are absolutely unable to cope then it's an option. On the other hand very many women are deeply affected by the experience, particularly when they have children later in life. You need to think through what abortion means to you and explore the practical implications of having a child to see if you could manage. Do you have family or friends you could trust to talk this through with? Please do talk to your lover as well - don't exclude him as a factor in your decision.

 

You need to act quickly. If you choose an abortion the later it is, the worse it is. If you decide to try and re-capture that feeling within the marriage many hear swear by a site called <removed> as being a source of valuable help.

 

Please find someone to help you through this, whatever you decide. We are here if you need us too. Good luck.

[gaia]

I don't envy your situation. I guess you are now faced with a choice - stay with your husband and enjoy financial security (but endure a loveless marriage) or choose a less secure future with your lover but one which has the potential to bring you fulfilment. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love? As meanon says, don't underestimate the feelings you may have after an abortion. I have known women who coped OK at the time but, after having children later in life, started to think about the child they could have had and struggled to come to terms with it.

 

I know what I would do, but I am not you. You have to work out what are the most important things to you and make your decisions accordingly. Hopefully hearing everyone's point of view will help.

[Errol]

You value your possessions more than your child?!?!

 

You value your possessions more than you claim to love this other man?!?!

 

You don't care about your husbands feelings at all and are just using him for your own materialistic wants.

 

If these really are your priorities then quit complaining and don't count on being really happy.

 

 

Or, you can do the decent thing and divorce your husband so he can move on with his life, you can get a job and marry the other man whom you claim to love. Tell him to get off his duff and get a better paying job so that you can both support your family.

[supermom]

Abortion in my personal opinion is murder. also, you chose to go outside your marriage, don't kill a child because you made a bad decision. I know I am sounding really mean, and I don't mean to be too personal, but I have a problem with women (not particularly saying you) that use abortion as birth control. Did you choose to have sex? You are old enough to know the reprocussions of sex, let alone an affair. Abortion is wrong!

 

You owe it to your husband, whom you shared vows before God with, to tell him the truth. That's not fair for him to not know, especially if you are pregnant. Who cares about money? Life goes on with or without it.

 

Sorry I am sounding so mean but when you started talking about abortion, I felt I HAD to say something.

 

DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION NO MATTER WHAT!

[mintjulep]

Abortion is wrong!

No, abortion is legal - and is still a woman's choice.

You owe it to your husband, whom you shared vows before God with

Or maybe she just shared these vows with the State. Not everyone is married by church. That is strictly an assumption on your part.

DO NOT HAVE AN ABORTION NO MATTER WHAT!

I just felt I had to play devil's advocate here. I don't agree with abortion either, but I do respect a person's right to choose, and extreme advice on either end is usually not the best advice to listen to. People who think radically in either direction don't usually think things through rationally.

 

Iantheia, I would seek the counsel of someone else. I'm sure you don't want to involve anyone in this, but Loveshack is probably not the place to be with your problem. Planned parenthood, maybe. Whenever you start the process of an abortion, it is mandatory that you go through counseling before hand. If anything, let that be the person whose advice you seek - they won't try to talk you into an abortion; they make sure you're making the right decision, and quite often girls walk out of clinics deciding to keep the baby. Some women really have no way out. You don't seem like that kind of woman. You threw away what wasn't a happy marriage for "that feeling" and "mind boggling sex." Was it worth it? Would you have left your husband anyway? I really don't feel that you should go back to your husband, but that's just conjecture. What was already an unhappy marriage will be forever tainted by your guilt.

Or, you can do the decent thing and divorce your husband so he can move on with his life, you can get a job and marry the other man whom you claim to love. Tell him to get off his duff and get a better paying job so that you can both support your family.

Even if you weren't married that last sentence would be good advice. You obviously don't love your husband. If this other man is willing to support any decision you make, tell him to support you and his child. Maybe you'll be happier with him, but you can't possibly be any less happy with your husband, it sounds like.

[Arabess]

How in the world would your lover be able to live with himself knowing this other man is not only totally supporting the woman he cares for....but also his child? Does he have no pride?

 

Also, why would you stay with someone you DON'T love for a house? To me, it just wouldn't be worth it. I'd feel like a married hooker.

 

You and the lover should get yourselves some decent jobs and quit jacking around this guy who is being used for his money.

 

I'm not at all making some moral judgement call....it just makes NO SENSE. You are YOUNG...don't sell out! Keep your baby, get with the man you DO love and get a job! It's not that hard and you'll end up with much more self respect.

 

Good Luck!!!

[LiYojeria]

I had a hypothetical talk with my mom a month ago, about what I would do if I left my husband. I was Totally shocked when she said, if I left I couldn't come back home. My mouth dropped open, considering how close we are. She said, my husband was a wonderful guy and she didn't want to see me mess up my life, because you just don't find men like him. She wanted no part of me messing up my life.

Many of you said I'm putting money before life.

Look at it like this. I am UNEMPLOYED, and have NO MONEY, NO SAVINGS, but I do have a 4yr college degree (so maybe some potential). My husband and I own a beautiful home together. If I decide to have this child, and tell my husband today, I WILL BE HOMELESS within hours!!!

 

My lover on the other hand has one child already, but he still wants me to have this one. He is a computer technician with no degree, which gets him nowhere fast. Every job offer he gets is so low paying he can barely put gas in his car. He is an incredible guy.

He's in a similair situation, he lives with the mother of his child, which was conceived on a 'booty call'. But since has stayed with this woman because, being a child of DCFS, he didn't want his child to grow up without a father. He does not love her. She has Section 8, and he has no where to go either. She even knows that if he had a great paying job he would leave and take the daughter. She's made terrible comments that he wouldn't be able to see his child if he moved out. So he's stuck in his situation to.

 

So maybe, I can get someone to see where I'm coming from revealing more information.

 

 

 

I refuse to become homeless!!

[guest]

He cannot throw you out if you are legally married -- you do have legal recourse and there are many resources available to you anyway. If your bf's wife(?) woman that he lives with throws him out that does not mean he will be out of his childs life. There are laws that will protect him too and he can be a major part of his child's life.

 

Tell the other guy to get a degree if you think that will help. There are some pretty good jobs with good pay for non-degreed people too -- just have to keep looking for them. If he's any good he can get certifications through software companies that do not require a 4-year degree, or go to a technical school and by-pass the liberal arts classes. If he's so poor he can probably qualify for grants or low-interest loans so that he can better himself.

 

You just found out you are pregnant so before you start showing - get out there and find yourself a job.

Talk to an attorney about what you can expect to receive in a divorce settlement.

 

You got yourself into this situation and you need to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sounds trite, I know, but its pretty darn true.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My lover on the other hand has one child already, but he still wants me to have this one. He is a computer technician with no degree, which gets him nowhere fast. Every job offer he gets is so low paying he can barely put gas in his car. He is an incredible guy.

 

He's in a similair situation, he lives with the mother of his child, which was conceived on a 'booty call'.

 

An incredible guy?

 

He wants you to have his baby, but has no means of supporting you or the child. So what does he plan to do? ---- Slip the baby in under your husband's nose and trick him into supporting his offspring?

 

I'm with your Mom on this one. Your HUSBAND is the incredible guy!

[ParallelBill]

Your lover has given you all the evidence you need that he will not support you. End the affair immediately. It is up to you whether or not you choose to tell your husband. As for the child, this is also your choice; but think carefully about all the consequences of having this child. List them honestly and make the choice that is best for you and your conscience.

 

Also keep this in mind: the person who will take care of this child is you. The same groups that would shame you for having an abortion will not offer you free daycare and financial support after the child is born; nor will they pay for maternity leave if you choose to give this child up.

 

I feel for you - hang in there. No matter what you decide, please get licensed counselling and support throughout the process.

[ILoveToToot]

I am UNEMPLOYED, and have NO MONEY, NO SAVINGS, but I do have a 4yr college degree (so maybe some potential). My husband and I own a beautiful home together. If I decide to have this child, and tell my husband today, I WILL BE HOMELESS within hours!!!

 

 

 

 

 

I refuse to become homeless!!

 

Ha! this is called punishment to what you have done. You deserve to be homeless, for being an adulterer. for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. get a job, grow up and start being honest.

[Cpunch75]

anyone forget ADOPTION??????????

[Cpunch75]

she DOES NOT deserve to be homeless....despite her infidelity. How humane is it

for her husband to kick her out WITH a baby on the streets? They are married, and through "the good and bad" the husband should be there for her, even though she doesnt deserve him. If the husband loves her that much, he will understand and support her, but the long term standing of the relationship would be an unsure thing. why has everyone developed Jerry Springer Ethics!?!?

[SoleMate]

Are you positive your husband will throw you out? This is a crisis for you; could it be the wakeup call to repair your marriage? I agree that homelessness and many of your other options are unacceptable. I think your best option, as hard as it may sound, is to let your husband know what has happened, ask for his forgiveness, and ask if he will help rebuild your marriage with you. He'll be angry, of course. But if you go into this explaining (not justifying) and letting him know how wrong you were, and then make the decision to fix your marriage, I think there is a good chance he will agree to rebuild. Try <URL removed>

 

And legally, he CANNOT throw you out of the house. If he doesn't want you there, he needs to divorce you, and that will take months. So don't worry about being on the streets, although I would definitely make sure I had access to cash and credit before letting him know about your pregnancy.

 

You will have to break with your lover. That's inevitable, unless you want to join the small, unwashed and ill-clothed harem that he appears to be growing for himself.

 

Abortion and adoption are also choices. You definitely need serious face to face counseling to consider them. Good luck, and be strong.

[gaia]

Taking into account your further information, it doesn't sound like your lover stands much chance of making you happy in the long term either. This doesn't alter the fact that to carry on with your husband as if nothing has happened would be hypocritical and bring both of you nothing but misery. The only hope I can see for your marriage is to be honest and get some professional help. You say your husband is totally in love with you. If so, are you sure he'd react as you fear? If you wanted to genuinely sort things out with him he might jump at the chance (especially as he's obviously been aware that there have been problems for a long time).

 

You seem absolutely certain you will not risk being homeless. Awful as this would be, it is the worst case scenario and I am sure there are ways round it. If you don't take the risk, your worst case scenario is a miserable marriage forever and the loss of your child.

[ILoveToToot]

Originally posted by Cpunch75

why has everyone developed Jerry Springer Ethics!?!?

its kinda like, id be nicer but the selfishness and immaturity she has displayed in her posts really fuels the fire to these JS ethics.

If she was genuinely worried about hurting her mate, about this child, hurting everyone and not too scared of reaping the consequences, i would back her up. but there is no such thing. sucks.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Cpunch75

she DOES NOT deserve to be homeless....despite her infidelity. How humane is it

for her husband to kick her out WITH a baby on the streets? They are married, and through "the good and bad" the husband should be there for her, even though she doesnt deserve him. If the husband loves her that much, he will understand and support her, but the long term standing of the relationship would be an unsure thing. why has everyone developed Jerry Springer Ethics!?!?

 

 

I think thats the ideal but sadly not necessarily the reality. I'd have a hard time not tossing her out as a gut emotional reaction but it depends on my legal options. They're married and depending on the state laws, he could end up legally responsible for that child just because he's still married.

 

 

To the original poster, definately get counseling and make the right decision for you, not because someone is going to shame you either way. I certainly wouldn't trust your lover for help given his situation either. The only right thing I'd advocate doing is telling your husband what happened, dealing with the consequences and getting out of the marriage if you really don't love him.

 

 

 

(as an aside: those pro-lifers who advocate keeping the kid and then once the kid pops out drop any interest in supporting single parents programs etc. really bug me. At least until the kid turns 18, can join the military and pay taxes..then they care. To some extent, it does take a village to raise the next generation.)

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Fritz

(as an aside: those pro-lifers who advocate keeping the kid and then once the kid pops out drop any interest in supporting single parents programs etc. really bug me. At least until the kid turns 18, can join the military and pay taxes..then they care. To some extent, it does take a village to raise the next generation.)

 

There are plenty of free web-based and community-based single parent support groups. Most single parents have JOBS though and don't have time to participate.

[Cpunch75]

I just think its a huge price to pay to get another piece of ass......and on top of that, her suggesting minor sexual improvements to her husband would have prevented this whole thing, just plain selfish on her part to have an affair just because he's lacking in the sack. But she doesnt work, and probally has NO idea what it is like to work all day and be utterly exhausted and not in the mood for sex.

 

I've seen these type of girls, everything handed to them on a silver platter, trust fund babies who complain when they are late for their manicures.....nothing but a laugh, but i still think that for the baby's sake that adoption is an option...

 

"They're married and depending on the state laws, he could end up legally responsible for that child just because he's still married. "

 

and what about DNA testing? he can have her get a DNA test to prove that it's not his baby and not be responsible.

[brashgal]

In your position I can understand opting to terminate your pregnancy. Given your complicated situation and your ambivalence toward becoming a mother, the child certainly would be starting out life at a huge disadvantage.

 

You need to do some hard thinking about what you want out of life. It is unfair to your husband and to yourself and to your lover to continue living this way.

[mintjulep]

I wonder if your husband might react more kindly than you expect. You'd be surprised at what someone will do for you if they love you above everything else.

 

Who said something about adoption? Weren't you paying attention when she said that if she had this baby he'd divorce her? Maybe adoption is an option you can mention to your husband, but no one "forgot" it. It's clear that this baby will either be carried to term or aborted - the logistics of what happens to this poor child are to be worried about after he or she is born.

 

I think you should come clean to your husband. He just might leave you. And he'd be better off, since you don't seem remorseful of your affair. Or you might be really lucky and he'll stay with you and support you (emotionally, more than financially, is what you should be thinking about). Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the other guy's life, he sounds like a dead-beat loser. How do you know he won't feel the same way about you after you've had his kid? You don't know how he felt about the woman he's with now when she had his first illegitimate child.

 

How do you know how your husband would react if you came clean about the affair? You have to take that chance before you can take the next step. He'll sort of start to see the bump in your stomach if you sit on the fence about this for too long. Plus, if your mom is not supportive of something, it's usually an indication of how not good it is, especially if you two are close. It's too late to listen to her, but maybe if you went to her for help again, she'd listen once she realizes how serious the situation is. Before you were just leaving your husband - now her bastard grandchild is involved.

 

Explore all of your avenues before you get swallowed up by this problem.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Cpunch75

 

 

"They're married and depending on the state laws, he could end up legally responsible for that child just because he's still married. "

 

and what about DNA testing? he can have her get a DNA test to prove that it's not his baby and not be responsible.

 

True and he should. In many places however, that won't get him off the hook sadly. Simply because he's still married.