Will she come home?

[bill858]

First I'll apologize for the length of this post...but I need to share it. 5 Days ago I had a bomb dropped on me...the love of my life walked out the door.

Some backround...We were together for over 3 years. We lived together for over 2 years. I'm 32, she is 33. She has had several relationships in her life that have lasted for a few years...but for me, this was my first REAL LOVE. I truely believed we are meant to be together forever. We always told each other that we were soulmates and couldnt live without each other.

I was under the guise that all was fine...but apparently in her head it hasnt been for some time. I guess the first sign of trouble was a month ago. she was hangin out with a friend on her day off, her friend Bobby, who is a man and is also gay. We agrued over them spending time together. I had a problem with it because everytime they hung out, they got drunk. I would come home to drunkeness, and it would result in fighting. She says that I'm controlling, possesive and wont allow her to have friends. That I was trying to keep her trapped all for myself. over the last month we had 2 big arguments...both set off over this.

then, the other day she approached me with her cell phone in hand. I had transferred the memory card from my old phone to her new phone 2 weeks earlier. She had discovered some photos on the memory card. they were photos of girls. not girls I had any relationship with ever, not even girls I knew. some were "porn" pics emailed from guy friends of mine, some were of pretty girls I saw in public, but nothing sexual.

She had found these pictures, but for 2 weeks she didnt say anything to me about it. instead, she showed me the other day and already had her things packed to leave. For the next few days we were in contact via text message. Mainly me apologizing, telling her I miss her and love her and that I want her back and will do anything to accomplish that. She mainly said that i broke her trust and she doesnt think it can be restored. She said she need space, and I want to give her that...but the way she left, left me with a lot to say still. She spent 2 weeks generating her thoughts before she dropped this on me, and I have only been collecting my thoughts over the past few days since she left. I really want her to know what I'm thinking too.

During our text arguments of the past few days... other issues have been brought into light. She feels that in the 3 years we were together, if I loved her, I would have married her. I did want to marry her, i still do. but money is so tight and credit is unobtainable... I just couldnt get the ring yet. She says I found a way to spend money on other things. I cant argue that. I was fooled thinking that our love was all that mattered. I'm reminded of the Beyonce song "if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it" But I always did everything I could to take care of her...she recognized that too, but I guess it wasnt enough.

So...on saturday she left. she is staying at her friend Bobby's house. When she left she said "I need to leave for the weekend", but its thursday now and she isnt ready to see me. But She left all of her things at home except for a few essentials. she left her clothes, her cat, ect..

I also feel like her friend Bobby doesnt like me, because he thinks I dont like him. he thinks i dont like because he's gay. I have no problem with that...if he were straight I'd be more concerned. I just never acted friendly to him because everytime I saw him, he and my girlfriend were drunk and we would argue. So, now, I'm also afraid of her spending all this time with him staying at his house and possibly filling her head with malicious thought against me. or maybe Im being paranoid.

Another key point in this scenario... She has trust issues. she has a history of cutting off those who've hurt her. she has broken up with friends, gone years at a time not talking to her mom, her dad, and her sister. she does speak with them all now, but they dont have good relationships. I also feel she has a communication problem....she harbored thought and feeling for 2 weeks before confronting them.

In spite of all her issues... I love her deeply and really want her back.

Do I give her space? or does she need to know what I'm thinking? Are we over? Will she come back?

[PegNosePete]

It's bad forum etiquette to post the same thread in 2 different forums.

[bill858]

I need some perspectives? some advice? Am I to blame for this? is it her issues or my actions? Please help me.

[bill858]

sorry for posting it twice...I wasnt sure which forum was correct.

[bill858]

Another thing I'd like to add....

As our relationship was growing and we fell in love, as I learned about things in her life that hurt her... I swore to myself that I would never hurt her, that I would be the one person who would always do right by her and be there no matter what. But the things that caused this breakup seem to be my fault. it hurts so much because I never realized that what I was doing would hurt her, I never saw it...she says thats what hurt her so much, I didnt care enough to see it. I feel like my heart is being blamed for what my head thought. My heart was always for her and hurts so much that she thinks otherwise. It hurts me to know I'm the one that hurt her. All I want is for her to be happy, with or without me.

[Steadfast]

A very wise person once told me: "If you want to know what kind of wife a woman will be, look at what kind of daughter she is." I know this blanket can't cover the whole scene, but there's a lot of truth in that statement.

 

That's the number one red flag with this woman; her relationship background. Not just romantic relationships but all of them. Perhaps her parents didn't treat her well and she gets freaked when someone gets too close. She has issues and had them well before you came along.

 

The pictures on your phone was the excuse she was looking for to leave. Same with the ring, etc. When a woman 'stores up' resentment and empties the bucket all at once; another red flag. This one has too many.

 

I know you love her (and she may love you) but that simply isn't enough to make a relationship work. You also need trust, understanding, commitment, kindness, value and appreciation. And more. She has deep issues and you can't fix them. She could, if she wanted to. Does she? Or is it easier to just blame someone else and move on, bouncing from person to person, bolting when things get too close. You're not the first...or last.

 

Let her go, stop all contact and move on. You aren't married and you don't have children, so count yourself lucky. Don't go back. Leave her alone.

[HopelessinDTW]

A very wise person once told me: "If you want to know what kind of wife a woman will be, look at what kind of daughter she is." I know this blanket can't cover the whole scene, but there's a lot of truth in that statement.

 

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WOW! This really hits home. The relationship my stbx has with her mom is at best disfunctional. They won't talk to each other for months and months over stupid things. Then they are best buddies, then back to hating each other! Lot of does stem from my stbx's mistreatment by her mom when she was young.

[bill858]

 

 

 

The pictures on your phone was the excuse she was looking for to leave. Same with the ring, etc. When a woman 'stores up' resentment and empties the bucket all at once; another red flag. This one has too many.

 

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Steadfast, I apprweciate your point of view, I hope you are right and that I'm better off... I put up another thread about taking the pictures. and I'm getting heavy response that it was so wrong and its why she left. any thoughts? here's that thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244263/

[2sunny]

Steadfast, I apprweciate your point of view, I hope you are right and that I'm better off... I put up another thread about taking the pictures. and I'm getting heavy response that it was so wrong and its why she left. any thoughts? here's that thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244263/

 

my thoughts? move forward. forget about her. it's over now.

[bill858]

my thoughts? move forward. forget about her. it's over now.

 

right now, its impossible to move forward and forget her. All of her stuff is still here at home. maybe that means she plans to come back, or maybe she just took a few things and will be back for her stuff on the weekend. I wish I knew, but for now I want to keep hope alive that she will come back to me and this will be put behind us

[habs53]

right now, its impossible to move forward and forget her. All of her stuff is still here at home. maybe that means she plans to come back, or maybe she just took a few things and will be back for her stuff on the weekend. I wish I knew, but for now I want to keep hope alive that she will come back to me and this will be put behind us

Text her and tell her its going out on the front lawn. She may come back for her stuff, she is done with the relationship. She found someone else.

[Steadfast]

 

Steadfast, I apprweciate your point of view, I hope you are right and that I'm better off... I put up another thread about taking the pictures. and I'm getting heavy response that it was so wrong and its why she left. any thoughts? here's that thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244263/

 

 

Thanks for the link Bill, but I don't need to read that to weigh in. You already know it's wrong to have porn or pictures of other women on your phone. Flip the tables; how would you feel? That's always the determining factor. If my girlfriend found this on my phone I'm sure she'd be pissed, or at least wonder what the hell I was doing...she'd probably be more upset about the pictures of real women (snapped at the mall, or whatever) because people do forward porn from time to time. It isn't however (IMO) reason to end an otherwise happy relationship. If, on the other hand, she found pictures and/or erotic texts, that would (or could) indicate cheating.

 

If a person has trust issues, that might be enough to put then over the top.

 

If what you've typed is accurate, then you need to let her go. Your instincts may say otherwise, but you stand a better chance of having a healthy, long term relationship with this woman is you pack her things and put her out. Your devotion and willingness to wait and hope might seem like love to you, but she sees it as weakness. Women don't respect weakness in a man, nor a lack of self respect and you're displaying both.

 

Look at it this way; you need to resolve your issues, and she needs to resolve hers. Once that is done, perhaps you can reconnect. As things stand now, the relationship is out of kilter. Let her go and work on you.

 

Trust me. It's for the best. I see nothing but trouble ahead if you continue.

[You Go Girl]

Most of you guys underestimate the degree that porn, or snapping photos of random eye candy makes women angry and upset.

If you can't keep your eyes on the prize, the prize will move along to a man who will.

 

Give her time. Go NC until she contacts you. She'll come back, and then you can discuss how to resolve any issues you have. Until then, sit tight and wait.

You guys are not reading the woman right.

[Steadfast]

 

Give her time. Go NC until she contacts you. She'll come back, and then you can discuss how to resolve any issues you have. Until then, sit tight and wait.

You guys are not reading the woman right.

 

 

I'm not so sure YGG, but I do admire and trust your instincts.

 

Honestly, I did read the OP's other thread and yeah, I got somewhat of a creepy feeling from it. It's more than just betrayal, it could be a sign of deeper psychological problems. Still, give him credit for coming clean and opening up the situation to everyone. Maybe some lessons learned too.

 

I will however, rephrase a point I was trying to make. I'm not a cheater, so if I look at an attractive woman or see a picture of one, my thoughts go no farther then my eyes can take them. Then again, being the father of a very beautiful 17-YO and seeing the perverted behavior she's often had to put up with sometimes makes me ashamed of my gender.

[You Go Girl]

I'm not so sure YGG, but I do admire and trust your instincts.

 

Honestly, I did read the OP's other thread and yeah, I got somewhat of a creepy feeling from it. It's more than just betrayal, it could be a sign of deeper psychological problems. Still, give him credit for coming clean and opening up the situation to everyone. Maybe some lessons learned too.

 

I will however, rephrase a point I was trying to make. I'm not a cheater, so if I look at an attractive woman or see a picture of one, my thoughts go no farther then my eyes can take them. Then again, being the father of a very beautiful 17-YO and seeing the perverted behavior she's often had to put up with sometimes makes me ashamed of my gender.

 

The OP has boundary issues. He needs to learn where the boundaries are with women and appreciating their beauty. And just for every guy's information that reads this post, let me tell you, nothing made me more disgusted when I was a young 17 year old beauty than having some fat 50 year old man staring at me hungrily as he walked down the street with his wife at his side, her casting her eyes downward because she knew whatw he was doing, and she felt belittled, ashamed, and invisible, him staring without blinking to take more in.

We're not pieces of meat. Sometimes I just wanted to walk up to the man and say: "I did not grant you permission to look at me like that. Did I say you could look at me? NO. So look away."

Or walk up to his wife and say, "I'm sorry that your man is such a schmuck" and give her a hug.

I remember thinking that if I ever had a husband that stared at pretty women I would divorce him.

(and I have).

Point being, a man can violate a woman's boundaries without the camera handy.