any chance of him leaving for me?

[jazzmine]

I broke off with my MM just 4 days ago, when after promising me for 1 1/2 years he was leaving her, it still hadn't happened. She knows about us, knows that it wasn't just a fling, but a full-blown love relationship. Yes, with deep emotional attachment. He even had boxes packed to go, and had told her he was leaving to be with me. He keeps trying to get her to agree that they've both changed, and should go separate ways, but she isn't having any of that. Regardless of them having nothing in common, she doesn't want to lose her security blanket.

 

As things heated up, she told him he owed it to her to at least TRY to see if there was anything salvagable before walking out. His guilty conscience has been a big factor in him leaving her since he describes her as a nice person who hasn't been a bad wife or mother or anything (kids are grown) but that they just don't have any common interests, sex life, etc. They've basically just gotten used to living together, and don't hate each other or anything. He is asking himself if he's just being selfish to have what he wants, which is a life with me. We have a lot in common, and have discussed our future life in great detail.

 

She is holding on with everything she can think of - she knows about me, but still doesn't want him to leave. She is now saying she will change and he needs to change and they should try to see if something can work out.

 

My question -- if anyone has any experience with this, what are the chances he will leave her? I've told him I'm done with him unless he's leaving. Of course I really want him, but I'm not willing to compromise my self esteem by being the "other woman" any longer. I'm trying to focus on just keeping myself in a good place mentally, but each day I go through many cycles of missing him, wanting him, then getting mad at him for not choosing me and leaving, etc...

 

Any insights???

[LikkleMissConfused]

I haven't ever been in a relationship of this kind but girl one thing you do have that his wife doesn't is self respect! Ask yourself this what kind of women is she that she is allowing him to be with someone else and still keep him knowing that he loves you.

 

The question I would be asking is, have you spoken to her, is he telling you the truth about everything. Being a woman myself i find it hard to beleive that its all coming from her. It might be him that just can't leave because of the years they have spent together but it does sound like he loves you. If he can't be true to himself do you really beleive later on in life he will be true to you??? SOme how I don't think so! It does sound like a tricky situation but it also sounds to me that there is more going on than you know about!

 

Just think about it! And one more thing, you shouldn't be the other woman and it might sound harsh but you shouldn't have got involved in the first place. You deserve to be the only woman bear that in mind and move onto something that doesn't have shadows and skeletons in the closet.

 

Take care.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Wait a minute.

 

Am I missing something?...

 

Why is the poor wife being portrayed as the bad guy here??

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Why is the poor wife being portrayed as the bad guy here??

 

I wondered the same thing. I understand extramarital affiars are complex, but you honestly can't see the reason she's holding on to her HUSBAND? Marriages aren't easy to slip in and out of, and regardless of the complex emotional web that has been weaved, the desire to keep your marriage together is not an unheard of one.

[LikkleMissConfused]

The poor wife isn't being made to sound bad, its just that not only one person can save a marraige. If both want to its a different story but when th eman or woman have allowed a third person into the relationship it safe to say that it kind of is all over unless its a one night stand or something.

 

But in this case he has fallen in love with the other woman which makes a really messy situation. And anyway I think there is more to this situation than meets the eye!

[dyermaker]

I don't believe romantic love is enough to start or end a marriage, it's a fleeting delusion.

[jazzmine]

I seriously thought about contacting her and seeing if she was getting the same story as me from him. But I was cautioned against doing that, because since she wants to hold on to him, why would she tell me anything that would make me feel better, true or not true? My reason for wanting to contact her was so that if he was lying to me about their relationship, I could at least have closure.

 

My original question was, what are the chances of him leaving her? I'm not trying to say she's the bad guy, as several of you have indicated. Obviously it's his choice to stay or go.

 

I guess I just want to know if in this type of situation, the guy does realize he isn't happy with the wife, and does go.

 

My story is long, and I posted it under Other Man/Woman - Why Be the other person...if anyone wants to see how we got into this situation in the first place.

[LikkleMissConfused]

I'm not saying it is but something gotta be missing for him to go out and have an affair in the first place and if he is in a marraige its unfair on the other woman. Don't you think???

 

Sometimes like my sister, she's had children with her husband they have grown up, and her and her husband have nothing left in between them except the kids?

 

Now that the kids have left home and have their own lives they have discovered that its best to move on themselves! They have agreed to look after one another at a later age if they are still on their own but they can't be together as they would end up having affairs etc etc.

 

Sometimes its just life and you can work through bad patches but other times you have to accept the truth!

 

So wot you think about the situation!

[EnigmaXOXO]

He even had boxes packed to go, and had told her he was leaving to be with me. He keeps trying to get her to agree that they've both changed, and should go separate ways, but she isn't having any of that. Regardless of them having nothing in common, she doesn't want to lose her security blanket.

 

Well, unless she had a gun to his head, there is absolutely no reason why he couldn't leave if he really wanted to. Sounds like he's just giving you some more lame excuses as to why he's unable to make a decision one way or the other. Sounds like he doesn't want to lose his security blanket.

 

You ask:

 

any chance of him leaving for me

 

My answer would have to be..."NO."

[LikkleMissConfused]

Darling I don't think its a straigh answer as yes he will leave or not. ANd even if he does after years of marraige it best if he is alone to put closure on his relationship with his wife!

 

You do need to speak to her that the only way you will find out! I've had to do something similar and it was the best thing i did because she told be straight! Its a woman to woman thing. She has no need to lie to you when she knows he is still with her. SHe will tell you the truth but she might rub it in your face that he is still her and she will fight for him or something along those lines but you need to know the truth and i don't think you do!

 

At the end of the day its going to cause upset and hurt so its your decision get to the bottom of it and find out, wait around being the other woman or just move away from the whole thing!

 

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[jazzmine]

I have decided to take my hands off of it, so to speak and see what happens. I have not contacted him, and when he did send me an e-mail message, I told him to leave me out of the drama and contact me only if he was sure he was leaving.

 

I guess in posting, I was just wondering if anyone had been in this situation, and had it go the way they wanted it to - with him deciding to leave her.

 

I am going to move on, but I guess for a while will hold on to some hope that maybe he will decide to be with me. It's very hard to let go of what I thought was our future together.

[Arabess]

Read thru the endless 'Other Woman" threads on here. I think your question will be answered over and over.

 

Bottom line....if he's selfish enough to have an affair....he's selfish enough to leave...IF HE WANTED TO!

 

There are many valid reasons why a man does not leave his marriage. Love for her may not even be one of them. But WHATEVER they are....he will probably not leave.

 

DO NOT BLAME THE WIFE! He's the one who should be held responsible for his actions or lack of them....not her. She has baby-sat his life long enough while he played in the playground. Give her due respect.

 

Contacting her would be a personal judgement call. If more 'other women' did it....maybe these guys would be more careful not to make promises they don't intend on keeping. However, it's really not worth it. She will forgive him and you'll go down in history as the conniving bitch who tried to 'destroy his marriage'. Yeah...he'll be all smug about it and blame YOU!

 

As painful as it will be....and it WILL BE....take the high road and walk away. Spend the next few months crying your eyes out and feeling like an idiot for falling in love with him...while banging your head against the wall yelling 'WHY????"....and getting no answer. It's a NO WIN situation. You might as well start facing it now and maybe have some sort of a 'normal' life by 2005.....HAHA! Ive been there....it DOES take awhile!

[jazzmine]

Arabess, you are probably right in what you've said. Especially about contacting the wife. I don't at this point see any good in contacting her, because as you and others have pointed out, the bottom line is, if he wants to leave, there is nothing really stopping him. So he probably doesn't really want to leave. I also think you are right that there are other things besides love that hold people in these situations. I just need to come to grips with it all, and let it go. One thing I know FOR SURE, I won't ever get involved with a married man again. I never have in the past, and never will again. This is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

[Ericka]

What are you doing? You fell in love with him? If he really loved you and and respected his wife, he would be divorced before you did anything with him. Love is blind, but family is everything! Before you came along he loved his wife. If he didn't love his wife, he would not have married her in the first place. Think about it. For your sake I hope they had no children because afairs cause children to go crazy and have a perseption of the other woman as a family breaker. Yes, his wife should through him out in the streets because he commited adultry with you. I think the wife is crazy for wanting him back, but if there is a family at steak, honey I am afraid that this afair has "hurt" alot of hearts. I don't know who started it or who sudduced who but it takes two and you are part of the promblem. Marriage is sacred and those who "choose" to come between that marriage is the one who is to blame. In this case the man was shallow to both you and his wife. He put you in this mess. How does it feel to be thought of as a home recker? It isn't a pretty sight! So next time think before you date a man who might be married. You deserve a man who is single and is really wanting to be with you. Getting involved with married men is a NO NO! I pray that you understand from a childs point of view. I am an adult now but my father did the same thing my parents divorsed because of it. As a child going through this, It Hurt! Now I go to couseling because of women like you. I learned from my father that I as a woman was not good enough to be loved by a man. It isn't worth it!

[Arabess]

Ericka,

Even though an affair, especially a serious one as opposed to a fling, DOES hurt everyone invloved....the man and other woman are not always the only ones to hold blame or fault.

 

There are a lot of wives who don't keep themselves up or try to show any love or affection. They stay in their marriage for any number of reasons....most of which have nothing to do with love. Some go out of their way to make a husband miserable. They just don't care because they've got him by the financial balls and know it.

 

When this happens....MANY men have affairs. Not to hurt the family.....but in an attempt to hold it together and still have some romance in their lives. It's in THIS UGLY CYCLE that other women often get caught up in. Most other women really ARE convinced he will eventually leave his marriage. In time, most of them realize it's a lost dream and HE LIED! It's a very painful process to get out of one of these relationships.

 

Please don't think I am making excuses.....or saying this is always the case. I just thought it may help you to know not ALL men who cheat or ALL women who end up in affairs with them....are homewrecking monsters. Most are just normal people who made a bad mistake by looking for love in the wrong place.

 

The other woman does not cause the ultimate fall of a marriage relationship. It was already all messed up...or he wouldn't be seeking an affair in the first place.

[jazzmine]

Ericka,

I didn't come on and post to be slammed by people, only to see if others had been in a similar situation and see if there might be some hope for my situation to work out.

 

Yes, I agree that an affair is wrong, and of course you don't know the whole story. I did post my whole story under the topic of "Why Be The Other Person". This man didn't tell me he was married initially, then when he did, he told me he was unhappily married and was leaving his wife.

 

His children are grown and moved out of the house. And as for why did he marry her -- he has told me they've both asked themselves that many times, because they have nothing in common. They have spent their marriage with him out doing things alone because she doesn't like to go anywhere.

 

And no, I'm not the one who is breaking up the marriage -- he had an affair before me. His wife and family know of that affair. And I seriously doubt that his wife looks at me as a home wrecker. I hope she sees that he is the one that has stepped out on her, more than once, and not for a fling, but for another serious relationship. He told her I agreed to back out of things if he wanted to stay with her, and that is what I've done. He told her also that he'd been telling me he was going to live wtih me, and that is why I was remaining in the picture.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt by an unfaithful parent, and that you are still in therapy because of it. I truly thought this man meant what he said, that he was leaving her to have a legitimate relationship with me. He's been telling me that on a daily basis, and I believed him.

 

You are right, he was disrespectful to both his wife and me. I guess the more I read and write about this, I realize he is unstable, wanted a girlfriend for all the fun stuff, but didn't want to leave the security of his home, where he's allowed to come and go as he pleases, no accountability for where he's been or what he's doing.

 

I have been saying to him for quite some time to either leave her or leave me alone, and since he wouldn't make a decision, I did. In your anger about this, you don't see that I was really hurt too.

[befuddled11]

This is how I look at it. If you have a guy who's married and has a mistress/another woman on the side, let's face it....he's not exactly the posterchild for honesty, integrity and honor. So why would the mistress/other woman believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth??

 

There are always 2 sides to the story.

 

Sure, the cheating husband often paints this heartwrenching tale about how he can't yet leave his wife because: it will destroy her, he doesn't want to upset his kids' lives, it will ruin him financially, his wife is mentally ill and it will set her off, bla bla yada yada.

 

OF COURSE he's going to claim his marriage is miserable and he's not happy...I mean, come on, how else would he try to justify WHY he's having an affair? Men who are in happy marriages (for the record: a happy marriage doesn't mean it's one big bowl of cherries every day...there's ALWAYS going to be ups and downs) aren't going to get involved in an affair and tell the OW "my marriage is good, I love my wife, we're best friends." Of course he's going to paint this picture of unhappiness and misery and needs not being met. BUT IS IT REALLY THE TRUTH???

 

 

To the original poster here......how do you KNOW he had boxes packed up and ready to go? Did you see them with your own eyes? If not, he could be totally full of sh*t.

 

So maybe his wife knows about you, but he's told her (lied) that it was just a "one time fling" and promised he'd never have contact with you again.......yet behind her back, he's continued to sneak around to be with you. Maybe for the sake of all the years and history they shared together, she THOUGHT (as he told her, perhaps) he had a "one time fling" and that he was sorry for that and was willing to work on their marriage, which is why she's not kicked his arse out the door.

 

Who says she's really so desperate to hang onto him? That's only what HE IS TELLING YOU. How do you KNOW FOR SURE that she sees him as her security blanket? Again, that's only what HE IS TELLING YOU. Like someone else suggested, she's obviously not putting a gun to his head or threatening to shoot him if he tries to make a run for it........so it's entirely possible that he's not leaving her because HE DOESN'T WANT TO. The "SHE" is HIS security blanket. And hell, what better boost to a guy's ego than to have 2 women wanting him. And to be able to have your cake and eat it too. Maybe he really really loves her and enjoys being married to her.....but ALSO enjoys having a 'sidedish' on the side......a fun distraction, a tangible way to boost his ego and sense of being manly and a stud.

 

To all "other women" out there, please..use common sense. Don't get sucked into what your cheating married guy tells you about his wife/marriage/sense of happiness with being married. If he could lie to his wife as he has, what makes you think he wouldn't lie to YOU?

[jazzmine]

befuddled 11,

thank you. There's probably more truth in your statements than I'd like to admit, but it makes sense. I asked him if he was getting some kind of sick thrill out of having us fight over him, and he of course denied it. But I told him you must be getting something out of this, or else you would end it.

 

I've been a fool. They had actually agreed to separate (or so he told me...) until she found out about me, and that's when the situation really heated up. I think it's become more of a contest at this point, but whatever, I have ended things and I believe they will stay that way.

 

I have had several friends point out the same thing to me -- if he's done that to her, what makes you think for one second he won't do that to you??!!

 

Of course I'd love to know the TRUTH, but at the same time, I think I can walk away and be pretty certain he was lying to both of us.

[moimeme]

There are a lot of wives who don't keep themselves up or try to show any love or affection. They stay in their marriage for any number of reasons....most of which have nothing to do with love. Some go out of their way to make a husband miserable. They just don't care because they've got him by the financial balls and know it.

 

Lordy! There are plenty other reasons; certainly the wife may not be to blame in any way. There are a LOT of men who will not face or discuss problems when they arise. Rather than deal with the situation in the marriage and try to fix it, they step outside to find what they're looking for elsewhere. They lack both the skills and the courage to conduct the marriage they are in - so it's a real good bet they'll be the same should you be 'lucky' enough to have them leave and marry you.

 

This is how I look at it. If you have a guy who's married and has a mistress/another woman on the side, let's face it....he's not exactly the posterchild for honesty, integrity and honor. So why would the mistress/other woman believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth??

 

Plus, you're saying that you are his SECOND affair? He obviously didn't leave the wife for the first woman, so why on earth would you think he'd leave for you???

 

It is a pretty amazing leap to think that a man who would deceive his wife to be with you would be honest with you. A person who's comfortable enough with dishonesty to cheat on a wife isn't going to be any more honest with his mistress, now is he?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Arabess

There are a lot of wives who don't keep themselves up or try to show any love or affection. They stay in their marriage for any number of reasons....most of which have nothing to do with love. Some go out of their way to make a husband miserable. They just don't care because they've got him by the financial balls and know it.

 

"MOST" of which having nothing to do with love? Says who? That seems like a pretty extreme statement to make, Arabess. What are you basing this statement on? Some kind of statistics? A study? I mean, how would you presume to assert this, it's got to be based on something? I don't know, it just doesn't ring true to me at all.

 

Sure, I don't doubt there's women out there who refuse to give their husband a divorce, based purely on spite or the financial benefits of staying married.......but you're almost painting a picture that it's pretty commonplace.....and that the majority of women who fight for their marriage are doing so for pretty shallow/love-LESS reasons. I'm just not buying that. Think about it......if a woman really wanted to rake in the bucks, wouldn't she, in most cases, be better off to divorce him based on adultery (if that applies) and take him to the cleaners in terms of child support and alimony/spousal maintenance? I could see a woman profiting a lot more by divorcing the guy and having a good lawyer take him to the proverbial cleaners, than by hanging onto him.

 

And just as there are wives who don't take care of themselves and are lacking in the "showing love and affection" department, I'd say there's just as many many who this applies to as well. I mean, come on, isn't it a lot more prevalent that women complain their husband is no longer romantic? Doesn't help around the house? Takes them for granted? Doesn't show affection any more? I'd say, based on my experience and knowing the situations of friends and families and reading posts on forums such as these, it's more often the wife who complains of not being shown much love or affection, as time passes on.

[jazzmine]

Yes, you are right, also. There are circumstances to his first affair - he caught her cheating on him, and that's when I met him. I thought he was breaking up with a girlfriend - didn't know he was married at that time. I don't know if he'd have left his marriage for her or not. But I put the blinders on after that, I guess and just wanted to believe he wouldn't lie to me. Stupid, I know.

 

And truthfully, I don't think it's the wife's fault - AT ALL. He never has said it was the wife's fault, either, only that he wasn't fulfilled with her, couldn't imagine how she could ever change to be the person he really wanted to be with. He felt he'd changed, and also after having his first affair, found out that a relationship didn't have to be boring or unfulfilling.

 

Anyway, you are right about his cheating and lying. I brought it up A LOT, and we broke up A LOT for the last half of the relationship, with me saying get your head together, and do the right thing - with which ever of us you are going to be with.

 

I can't tell you how many times after me not talking to him for a week, he contacted me, saying he was sure it was me he wanted, and he was taking the necessary steps. I just believed him too many times. When it really came down to actually walking out the door for good, he wasn't ready to do it.

 

I have believed what I wanted to believe, that he would not lie to ME. But he did. That's the reality. And you are right - even if he did leave her for me, who says he won't lie to me, too.

[shrug]

Originally posted by befuddled11

"MOST" of which having nothing to do with love? Says who?

 

Says most of people.

 

more than 50% marriages end up with divorce. and 90% of the married couples are not happy. They stay married for all selfish reasons that labeled with "love".

 

this girl is asking if the man would leave his wife for her, I would say he would leave if you gave him $2 Million dollar after his divorce.

[Arabess]

I didn't mean MOST women who are married...I meant MOST women who are no longer making an effort towards the romantic aspect of their marriage. One would think if a woman no longer wants to be intimate with her husband....there are OTHER valid reasons for her to stay in the marriage. Same is true for him.

 

Everyone wants romance in their life. They want to give and receive love. If it isn't happening in their marriage....then there must be another reason for them staying in it. In most cases....I would think it was for the sake of the children.

 

It was just a supposition.....

[Arabess]

Originally posted by shrug

I would say he would leave if you gave him $2 Million dollar after his divorce.

 

Yeah....the children and THAT! LOL!

[shrug]

Originally posted by Arabess

In most cases....I would think it was for the sake of the children.

 

It was just a supposition.....

 

for children? that's what they say. Just another excuese. they stay for themselves. if their marriage is not good for themselves, very possible, it's not good for their children, either.

 

but anyway, $2 million dollar is enough to beat 2 dozen Children and a good marrige!