it was 1 year ago today

[McGrupp]

i got dumped.

 

 

would you like to know how i got over her after being near suicidal, losing 40 lbs. taking up smoking and nearly drinking my life away?

 

[TaraMaiden]

Oh.....

 

Go on then......

 

[McGrupp]

well it wasnt easy i will tell you that much. for those that dont know me, I was a former LS celebrity after threatening suicide on this place, and starting many threads that went to 15+ pages. Just search my name.

 

I was heartbroken after 3.5 yr relationship, had to move back into my parents, take a job i hated, hang out with friends i avoided, wallow in self pity and cry to sleep...wah, wah wah!

 

but oh what did i do to move on...?

[McGrupp]

1) Dont think there is a special cure. Because there isn't. Accept where you are in this place, that it will hurt for awhile and you shouldn't be in any rush to feel anything else, unless it's self pity. Self-pity is the worst emotion possible and you must avoid it.

[TaraMaiden]

Did you at any point give yourself a harsh, damn good talking-to...?

 

And did you listen?

 

 

See, here's the thing....

 

Someone else, in another thread, mentioned that there comes a stage where everything you do becomes so ridiculous, so resigned, so.... weak and submissive that at one point you just give up, on giving up.

 

There comes a point when you actually lose your temper with yourself, give yourself a good damn shaking and ask yourself "WTF is wrong with you??"

 

This is what they put:

.......in my opinion you also have to get nasty with yourself to a certain degree and mentally fight the sadness.

 

Did you ever get to that?

[Nappeal]

Sorry...maybe a TJ, but, in all my crisis' in life I did get to a point where my brain seemed to be saying 'wtf is WRONG w you?! Get over it!'. That helpes to get things to turn around, even if slighty.

[2themoon&back]

i am sorry you have had a hard time, i am glad you won the battle with SST, but i feel we are all different... what i mean is some peoples hair grows faster than others, some people get hungered sooner than others, some people heal faster than others...... i would have to you should celebrate with whatever progress you have made... one thing to suggest is say today was the first day you started healing after being treated badly by someone you loved dearly.... i think by calling it the anniversary of the day you got dumped is like picking a scab, it is like revisiting the part that hurts the most, i get it that is where i like to stay, to say the least i am a slow healer.

 

i hope you treat yourself well today, i tend to believe you have earned it !!

 

good luck

[McGrupp]

well first i typed this thread out, and it was my whole story, form the bottom of the pit, to the tops of life. but i felt there was not enough space for me to express every emotion, every moment, every epiphany...so instead i decided on a 10 point list. now a lot of this has been said b4...so maybe i should just tell my story?

 

but ...#2 on the list

 

2) Take her off the pedestal. She wasn;t that special. Nope. She wasn't. Oh she had a good job?/traveled/ really KNEW you?/cooked/had a kid? what?

 

sorry but if she was so special and my ex was so special and all the other ex's are so ****ing special there most be a lot of special people out there.

 

and there are...but realize your not that special either. nope your not a special butterfly. you just are. so accept that also. that she wasnt that great and neither are you...did you do that yet?

 

did you KNOW you will meet someone better, someone more into you, someone who gives better sex, cooks better and laughs at all your jokes! MORE BETTER!

 

did you know that?

[chocolate_boy]

well first i typed this thread out, and it was my whole story, form the bottom of the pit, to the tops of life. but i felt there was not enough space for me to express every emotion, every moment, every epiphany...so instead i decided on a 10 point list. now a lot of this has been said b4...so maybe i should just tell my story?

 

but ...#2 on the list

 

2) Take her off the pedestal. She wasn;t that special. Nope. She wasn't. Oh she had a good job?/traveled/ really KNEW you?/cooked/had a kid? what?

 

sorry but if she was so special and my ex was so special and all the other ex's are so ****ing special there most be a lot of special people out there.

 

and there are...but realize your not that special either. nope your not a special butterfly. you just are. so accept that also. that she wasnt that great and neither are you...did you do that yet?

 

did you KNOW you will meet someone better, someone more into you, someone who gives better sex, cooks better and laughs at all your jokes! MORE BETTER!

 

did you know that?

 

Yep it's all part of life, people come and go. You know what's helped me? I've been on this site through 4 breakups, reading posts from 5 years ago when I was devastated at the time and feeling nothing now, knowing I'll do the same in 5 years to my posts now. I joined this site as a 22 year old guy fresh out of uni, first real love was over, I sometimes go away for a few years, but this site has been helping me for over 7 years now, it's good to know it's still here when I need it, every few years.

[McGrupp]

im glad you know it. im almost writing this to myself as if it was a year ago...so bear with me...

 

step #3!!!

 

3) This is very important...and its called "im not going to talk to you anymore because that would not only lower my value within my own eyes, but also prevent me from moving forward"...or betteR know as NO CONTACT.

 

oh how it is so cliche. in fact your dumper knows exactly what your doing! thats why they dumped you! they didnt want to talk to you anymore!

 

holy ****. believe that. NC WILL NOT GET THEM BACK! ...in fact to get them back you should start planning a clever ruse in which you accidentally run into each other, youve hired a blonde swedish escort, and you act like you dont care...to much work and money?

 

well then its over...sucks!

 

you know what you could call them, and you know what? they probably would pick up (unless you've already called them a bitch or a slut or any number of insults, in which case you probably beat yourself up, but cmon...SHE WAS A BITCH, she dumped you!) and THEY probably would want to know how it's going. A dumper always wonders. But what would be the point?

 

nope there is no point.

 

so anywho...YOU HAVE TO STAY NC, and that is not to get her back, but rather for your own sanity. You will drive yourself crazy, analyze every word, and decipher every stutter, till youll need to be put into a mental ward. and thats just not a good look for anybody

 

to think this girl you used to describe your bowel movements to now wont even give you the time of day. ...well it doenst make sense...and it never really will...accept that, and stay NC even if you have to punch yourself in the face.

 

it will only hurt more!

[McGrupp]

alright hows it going...sorry TM i would say I never had "that" moment but had a lot of little moments that got me to where I'm at...

 

#4) here's a big one: STOP BEING A PUSSY

 

what does that mean? well it means stop complaining, whining, crying and being weak in front of others.

 

so what 1 girl out of 3 billion left you? hey did you eat today? did you go to work? do you have family, friends a roof over your head? yes, YES , AND YES; THEN GUESS WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

 

their are people out there way worst then you, and I forget who said it but someone once said, "the thing with complaining is, 80% of the time people dont care, and the other 20% of the time it just makes them feel better about themselves"

 

 

YUP. your friends, co-workers, local bartender, sister, brother, homeles guy, ups guy, local blockbuster stock room guy are ****ing sick of it!

 

nobody wants to hear it, and all your doing is alienating everyone who liked you before you met her!

 

so stick those feelings all up inside. that right. act like your grandpa...you know the guy who went to war, lived through the depression and hates hippies? you think he would complain about a woman?

 

nope he'd go out and find another one cause thats what guys do, and I'll get to that later.

[Div]

Thanks for these tips; really helps to hear from someone who's been through it.

[miserab]

Cool! Looking forward to your next posts. We need more posts like this here in coping..

[McGrupp]

yeah any feedback or questions is welcome....

 

so here we go, #5

 

5) FORGIVENESS

 

this is huge, and comes in some different forms

 

first one is acknowledge somewhere along the line, you did something that made her unattractive to you and she HAD to move on. JUST BE OK WITH THAT. its a fact. people change, but dont rationalize; something happened and although it's not a one way street (she did her part too), you must LEARN from that fact, and forgive yourself.

 

wherther you were to needy, negligent, abusive (seek help), cheated, boring, lackluster in the sack...whatever, you know better then we do and you need to see that thing, know you will fix it in your next relationship, and then FORGIVE YOURSELF.

 

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

 

you will LEARN from that and build yourself into something better, believe me.

 

this was a huge sticking point for me, to get over the breakup. as i beat myself up for months for things i blamed myself for.

 

removed with time, i can see I made mistakes, know I will not make them again, but have come to a point of indifference towards the actions.

 

eventually time will bring this point naturally, but you could speed it up by looking at things you did, realizing what you should've done, and then, out loud FORGIVE YOURSELF.

 

live in the now. we all live and we all learn, and we all make mistakes, and the smarts one's learn from them

 

ok...now if you can do that, and that's not easy, YOU MUST FORGIVE HER.

 

yup, sucks i know. that bitterness may have moved you forward in life, or made you a better person, kept you up at night, made you wirte letters calling her horrible names.

 

everything. yup there's a whole ball of negative energy surrounding her and you and your relationship.

 

so what you do is, and this is not easy, and im not sure if im there yet, but you forgive her. you say, "i doesnt make sense, and her actions hurt me, but she did what she thought was best for her, i respect that, and forgive her."

 

yup, some say after a break up, bitter = better, and perhaps that's true to a point. but holding hate, and anger inside, lets her still take up real estate in you mind, and hate breads anger and other emotions that arent healthy.

 

so this is the same as your sins in the realtionship, you get to the point of indifference towards her, her actions, her new life, and her concerns about yours (if there are any).

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Thanks McGrupp. I needed to hear that. I needed a bit of tough love. I've sat for far too long thinking she was the most special woman in the world and there's no woman to compare to her. I've had her on a pedestal for such a long time and, like you said, I beat myself up for my part in us ending. Just like you said, I apparently did something that made me unattractive to her, and I've found it very, very hard to accept and forgive myself for that. I've been self-destructive, alcohol abusive and mood swingy ever since our break up, and I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of my moping around feeling sorry for myself when I was such an alive and vibrant person before I got dumped by this girl. Keep em coming man

[McGrupp]

ok so far we got:

1) It will take time

2)Take her off the pedestal

3) Practice NC

4) STOP BEING A PUSSY

5) Forgive Yourself and Her

 

Now we move onto #6

#6 MEET NEW WOMEN

 

Easier said then done, right? But this is huge!

 

As men we link so much to our ex as far as sex...ITS HUGE FOR US

 

most of our ex's took some time off, if they didn't jump right into a relationship or dump you for another, but you know their GF''s brought them out, hooked them up and they got theirs, maybe just for the night, maybe for a week, maybe for an hour.

 

this is a proven fact, as ive seen 4 of my girlfriends (friends that are female, not sexual partners) break up with someone the past year and then go out and get some soon after, just to kinda feel something. to prove they still have it. and they usually do.

 

so now that you've lost all hope, absorbed the fact that your ex has definitely banged someone else if it's been over , lets say 3 months, it's time for you to to meet new women.

 

I'll divulge a lil about myself. dumped in september started a new relationship in November. It was a disaster. she was a mess. I was a mess. it was a misery loves comapny thing. We were done by December...but i realized I wasnt ready.

 

then in Feb. i had setup a date from online. after numerous getting numbers and nothing coming through, after my desperation plagued my interactions with women, and my depression had subsided enough, i went on a real date.

 

and you know what? we had a great time. we hooked up. we had a lot in common. she was smart and sexy and had a cool job and was independent. and i realizxed there were a lot of women out there. and although we didnt last I realized I was going to be ok.

 

so you need to start approaching girls. get your confidence back up. recharge your social life. take some risks. read a pick up artist book or something. have your buddies hook you up with the chubby girl in the group.

 

anything to get your head moving ----> that way...moving forward.

 

as you see in my example, its not going to all work out. in fact the first or 2nd girl may suck, but you have to keep meeting lots and lots of them to find someone great again. and you will.

 

trust me. but at the same time, if you arent ready you arent ready. but it doesnt mean you cant take baby steps. you could flirt with the girl at the grocery store, try online dating just to message, or even go to a bar and just starts a conversation with every girl there. in fact if you set goals, as with anything you will motivate yourself. and take risks. i cant tell you how many numbers i took in this last year and either the girl flaked or nothing became of it. and you know what?

 

i dont care, and im sure they dont either.

 

just do it. nothing is harder, but also nothing is going to help you get over her faster. its true. its a cliche b/c its true. but it's true.

[McGrupp]

#7 FIND YOUR PASSION

 

This is pretty simple, and yet as important as any other advice. A male's energy is made to create, fulfill, and work.

 

If your stuck in a cubicle all day, your energy is not being fulfilled.

 

So what am i saying? I'm saying for the 18-32yr olds reading this, you must find that one thing that makes you want to get up in the morning, that makes you want to live, that fulfills you and brings you to your highest peaks.

 

THIS THING CAN NEVER BE A WOMAN

 

let me repeat that, you can never make a woman the center of your world. even if you stayed together the relationship eventually would end someday (death)

 

kinda morbid, but true.

 

A lot of guides post breakup say, hit the gym, find a hobby, hang out with friends.

 

Yup, i did all that. The gym was lonely, my hobbies all included her, and i just would bug my friends about her.

 

So...I had to dig inside myself. Find that one thing I always wanted to do and to start pursuing it no matter what. No matter how I had to get there, no matter how much it cost, no matter what anyone else said.

 

You must also do this. Perhaps you already have that thing, but perhaps there is something you always wanted to do before you died.

 

Now is the time to do it. Seriously, take a risk, take a chance, quit your job (if you can), move your city, take a class.

 

It will invigorate your soul, help you meet new people, and may just let you live out all your dreams.

 

There is no time like the present, nothing to hold you back, and If you want to motivate yourself (probably not healthy, but whatever) tell yourself your doing it to "show her"

 

SO that's it.

[McGrupp]

#8 Remember The Good Times and The Bad Times

 

If your still in the heartbreak, sick to your stomach, crying at night stage...then in fact you should prbably think of all the bad times. All the times she did...well whatever, the **** that pissed you off, the **** that made you want to move on, the discussion when she dumped you.

 

Again, get her off that pedestal, dont wallow in the anger, but everything wasn't roses and butterflies.

 

And then you want to also remember the good times, with some time after the breakup.

 

Know that you loved fully, you had something special and unique and yet it ended and thats ok.

 

Nothing lasts forever, and you should feel enriched that you loved, and WERE LOVED by someone very special for a bit of time.

 

Know that you will love again, and sometimes you will remember her with a slight smile when you hear a song on the radio and see a moive you both loved.

 

And there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I would say both these stages come with a lot of time, and I really couldn't think about her without getting in my pity zone for awhile, so it might be a good idea to try not to think of her for some months (impossible i know)

 

But in time, you will, AND I PROMISE THIS, reach both feelings; ie realizing everything wasn't as perfect as it seemed, but also there were some really special moments that you 2 shared and nobody can take those away from you.

 

So to sum up this stage, what you had with her was great, cherish those moments and feelings when its ok to look back at them, but at the same time, recall the moments when you felt like **** b/c of this person.

 

That may seem conter-productive and confusing...but just know you will never forget this person. EVER

 

She will forever be there in some way.

 

But what i'm saying, is instead of analyzing and rationlizing everything, IT was what it was.

 

So the great times were great, and the ****ty times were ****ty...so recall them both because that is life. Just ****ty moments and great moments.

 

This stage is weird, but with time you will understand. Dont force this step, but just understand one day you will realize why you would've never worked, but also say hey, we had some great times.

[McGrupp]

9 on the way...

[Recovery]

This is great stuff, and very true! It's helping me a lot. Appreciate it McGrupp, looking forward for 9 and 10!

[Pentel]

wow mcgrupp whats up?

I just wanted to check this site up and see what was going with the new heartbrokens

and I see you again, getting better and better I see

[McGrupp]

yeah man, not to many old heads around here anymore...how you been?

[McGrupp]

9) REBUILD YOUR EGO

 

Right now your insecure, deflated, down in the dumps, depressed, anxious, confused and probably feel constantly tired yet can't sleep.

 

If your past those stages then your in Zombie land, going through the motions, living in the past and hoping she comes back.

 

after zombie you may move past the haze however you still haven't been back to your former self in months, probably since before the breakup.

 

Ego is often debated, and in the Buddhist philosophy and most religions for that matter, the goal is to disperse the ego (am i correct in that TM?)

 

Anyway use whatever word you want, you need to build your confidence back, you need to get those happy feelings again, have your serotonin receptors start pumping out the good stuff again.

 

So how is this achieved?

 

Well, that is not easy. I will suggest the book Psycho-Cybernetics to get you started.

 

But you'll need to know what brings you joy (again NOT women) and move towards those things.

 

For awhile I didn't understand what "treat yourself well" meant, when people would suggest that after the breakup.

 

What it means is spoil yourself, become super selfish and learn to love yourself again. YOU WANT TO BECOME A PERSON THAT LOVES THEMSELVES. AGAIN.

 

for awhile you probably though you were cool b/c you had a smoking gf and that gave you confidence. and she is gone so now you have nothing to give you that boost. but it was all in your head. SERIOUSLY SHE DIDN'T GIVE YOU THE CONFIDENCE YOU HAD IT ALL ALONG.

 

You should start to find joy in the little things.

 

Your baby cousins smile, the birds in the parking lot, a sunny day, an old movie. Bit by bit you need to build back up your mental start from the crushing blow it felt.

 

If your friends are bringing you down, get new friends. If your family bothers you, separate yourself from them for awhile. Take a vacation, a hike, play your favorite video game all day, order 2 pizzas and dont get dresssed all day.

 

Seriously start becoming super selfish, not in a way that hurts others, but in a way where you are NUMBER 1, where you are the only person that matters (unless you have kids or a cat. KEEP FEEDING YOUR CAT!)

 

Materialism is frowned upon, as is instant gratification. I'm saying these things are bad in some ways, but because of social pressure's we sometimes become so concerned with the way we are perceived we don't give our-self our own love.

 

So i'm giving you permission to buy the car you always wanted, ask out the girl at Starbuck's, embarass yourself at the Christmas party.

 

What you are doing is getting to a place where you feel good again being with yourself.

 

Realizing you lost something but in the grand scheme of things life is still ok and you can still be who we were and be happy again.

 

After we get dumped, we think, well SHE DIDNT LIKE THAT PERSON, so I will change. I'll become less talkative, hang out by myself, BECAUSE THAT WAS MY TRUE SELF AND SHE REJECTED IT SO THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, AND OTHERS WILL ONLY REJECT ME ALSO.

 

and what i'm saying is the opposite. I'm saying F her. If that's who I was and she didn't like it, well **** that I'm not changing my personality or the things I love, or the clothes I wear.

 

In fact I'm going to be more myself. I'm going to take a yoga class, i'm going to tell my co-workers I don't like when they microwave fish at work and stink up the officee, I'm going to ruffle some feathers. BECAUSE LIFE IS ****ING SHORT!

 

And what you will find is that being yourself, being your best self, and being completely open with yourself, you will find the thing you love again; and not only that but really caring less and less what others think.

 

And it will happen bit by bit. You call in sick to work and go to the beach. Your happiness goes up .05% and you have this great memory, and realize nothing bad happened.

 

You have dinner with your family, walk the dog in the park and help a stranger cross the street...well a little serotonin dropped and you went up .3% and then slowly as these experiences build, as you take risks, as you say YES to invites to stuff you wouldn't have done before and NO (say no a lot) to your boss, your Dad, and that stuff you always hated doing.

 

I say this because for so long after my breakup I would look in the mirror and say, "Look at you you piece of ****. you took the best thing in life and RUINED it. I hate you."

 

and then I would enter the world. and I would come a home and say..."See, that day sucked, everyone hated you, now your lonely and will be alone forever, this is all your fault"

 

But after time, now I can say, "Wow, what a crazy fun weekend. I can't believe I did this and that, and love is so much fun again. Man that girl at the party was really cute maybe i'll call her, blah blah"

 

See what happened? I got the happy juices to start flowing, LIKED SPENDING TIME WITH MYSELF, and others start to like you to.

 

But if you hate yourself, no one will ever want to hang out with you. What I'm saying though is it isn't a switch. You can't just wake up and say "I love the world, I love myself" Thats self help BS

 

not after such a blow to the psyche, after such a huge pile of rejection.

 

But you can wake up today, trudge out the door, think of her all day, but HAVE A REALLY GREAT ****ING SANDWICH. and say at night, today sucked, i hate myself, but you know what...THAT ****ING SANDWICH WAS GREAT....life is ok b/c that sandwich rocked. 09% happiness injected.

 

and after awhile you'll be at 20% and then 50% and as you become happier and more contempt with who you are you will miss her less and less because the awesome world you created NOW is way better that the ****ty world you had with her. although it might've been good there is still a lot of live to live, and **** to see.

 

so in conclusion for step 9, BE SELFISH, TAKE RISKS, BUILD UP THE HAPPY MOMENTS.

Edited September 7, 2010 by McGrupp

[HeavenOrHell]

Hey McGrupp, great to hear you're doing so well, some good advice here. I think we've both done pretty well when you consider what we were like this last time last year-self pitying, snivelling wrecks

Keep up the good work!!

[JamesM]

So how are you REALLY doing?

 

Do you have a GF and have you truly moved on?

 

How often do you think about her in an hour or day?

 

When you think of her, what feelings do you have? Anger? Sadness? Depression? Satisfaction that you have moved on? Relief that she is no longer in your life?

 

And....How is SHE doing?