it was 1 year ago today

[RDawg]

Nice thread, thank you McGrupp. Though it's kinda depressing for someone who's into their 4th month of the breakup to realise that one year down the line one could still not be totally healed.

 

I am also looking forward to your response to the last two posters questions.

 

I think the most obvious final cure is falling in love again. Once that happens you'll really look back with a satisfied grin.

[McGrupp]

well ill tell you guys the follow up that i neglected to post.

 

the pain lasted and lasted. I was NC for about 6 weeks (had a horrible late night convo with her in november) and in January i was going back to college for a presentation.

 

i emailed her on a Tuesday in January asking if she wanted to get lunch.

 

her response: "I have plans"

 

so...that mightve been the moment. that mightve been what TM was talking about that moment where you say, ok enough is enough.

 

So i moved out. I moved to NYC. by myself. with a guy i met on Craigslist (no homo).

 

this was rough and hard. I was alone, in the city by myself.

 

i thought about her constantly. Then i made some friends. then I made some more friends. Spring came. I would think about her still a lot.

 

then i started getting into the reason i moved to the city (new job). then I met a girl. then i met another girl. then i met another girl.

 

i still thought of her but not in the same way. I started reading on how to be more of a man;

 

 

 

then i had a lot of fun this summer, thought about her less and less, just keeping myself busy. started reading more, more about getting more out of life. Cut out the people in my life who didn't move me forward. looked at her fbook one time in July and broke down for an hour. threw up.

 

then it was the middle of august. I was at a concert on which the previous year I had gone with her to. That was the last time we hung out.

 

As i sat at the show, I looked around. I realized how far I had come, how much I had learned about myself. And I finally felt like, hey!, everything is going to be ok. Everything was ok. Life didn't suck so much without her, in fact in the last year I had done more then I had ever done, in the 4 years with her.

 

I had actually moved on, literally and figuratively, i had come to the point where I didn't not only want to know what she was up to, but didn't care....

 

then i came home from this revelation and I have a fbook message from this girl from high school. We go out the next weekend. I really like her.

 

But thats not what it took. You see, if it doenst work out with her (the fbook girl) im still ok, im still really ok. In fact im better then I ever was.

 

And if i was a miserable sack of **** when that message came I wouldve not been able to go out with her, enjoy her, and be happy again.

 

But it doesn't come down to a girl. it comes down to you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yeah but you should have heard him this time last year! And me for that matter.

My ex left me after 18 years, I felt dead for 6 or 7 months afterwards, but amazed myself by falling in love again this Summer, never thought I would have strong feelings for anyone again.

So, take heart, I felt I was in hell post break up, could not see a way out of it, had come out of an incredibly loving relationship, couldn't see any hope afterwards, but 14 months on I am so much better than I was, all I have now is the odd pang when I think about how my ex is with an (ex) friend of mine now (I have pangs mostly cos of my and my ex's history with her, if he was with someone I liked/trusted it wouldn't have been so hurtful), I am friend's with my ex, no-one is going to stop that as far as we're concerned. So I haven't forgotten him or what we once were to each other, but I haven't wanted him back for 7 months now, haven't felt truly depressed for 7 months now, like I did post break up for 7 months.

You may not be totally healed one year from your break up but you won't be in pain anymore, then again you may be totally healed by then, you are moving forward by by bit whether you realise it or not-as long as you are taking steps to move forward that is

 

Nice thread, thank you McGrupp. Though it's kinda depressing for someone who's into their 4th month of the breakup to realise that one year down the line one could still not be totally healed.

 

I am also looking forward to your response to the last two posters questions.

 

I think the most obvious final cure is falling in love again. Once that happens you'll really look back with a satisfied grin.

[smk]

Mcgrupp - great thread buddy...

 

I am almost 3 months in (wow didn't even realise where the time has flown) - I have been through some of the steps however the one I can truly relate to at the moment is no 9 cos that's what I have been doing the last 3 weeks... I have been doing all the things I used to before she came into my life, and just like you say each day the happy juices go up a little, some days they go down but most they go up...

 

But again great thread and it's all so damn true...

[Pentel]

yeah man, not to many old heads around here anymore...how you been?

 

I've been pretty damn good how bout you?

[McGrupp]

pretty awesome. good to see it man.

 

anyway for thos of you that are like "oh no's this is going to take me a year to get over"

 

i wouldn't put a time on it, but for me as I read through my previous post, i didnt let go and start to really move on till that email in January, ie lose hope of her coming back.

 

once you realize this fact then i started moving forawrd and in that time frame i would say anywhere between 2-4 months i was really better.

 

but everyone is different.

 

number 10 coming at cha!

[McGrupp]

10) Learn

 

If you don't learn from this experience then the whole thing was for naught.

[GrayClouds]

Yes if I did not already have one, I would get all of #9 tramp stamped on my lower back.:laugh:

 

Serious that one alone should be must read for everyone.

 

In one year you have gone from McNutty to McKrishnamurti - great work and thanks for being a great example of it.

 

 

 

.

Edited September 12, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

It's the defnitive guide to coping on one, not-so-succinct thread!

 

Genius, McGrupp. And hilarious. This bit made me choke on my granola (in a good way):

 

sorry but if she was so special and my ex was so special and all the other ex's are so ****ing special there most be a lot of special people out there.

 

and there are...but realize your not that special either. nope your not a special butterfly. you just are.

 

Thank you.

 

x

[McGrupp]

some videos and books i enjoyed

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/horrible-bitch-of-an-exgirlfriend-missed-terribly,745/

 

Pulling Your Own Strings

The Way Of The Superior Man

It's A Breakup Because It's Broken

Psycho-Cybernetics

 

 

[McGrupp]

I feel like if I'm to do this right, and someone somewhere will look at this for help, then I should expand on #10.

 

#10 Learn

 

Ok so first off breakups happen. A lot. Like every song on the radio is a about a breakup.

 

And then you have movies and books and a lot of great art was made from the pain you are suffering.

 

Let me tell you a little story.

 

MY cousin was in college. He was away and he got the call. His GF of 2 years wanted nothing more to do with him. He was devastated. He moved back home for a semester and tried to get her back to no avail.

 

So he went back to college. And was miserable. He transferred to a different college. He graduated. He went to law school. And then he transferred to a better law school.

 

Then he met a girl. Then he got a really good job and so did she. And then he married her. And then they moved to the big city with their big jobs and one day after he's is married and happy he receives and email from that one girl he dated so briefly in college.

 

And she is getting married, but it just so happens he is living in the same city where she is getting married. And she wants to meet him up before her big day.

 

He say's thanks, but no thanks. Not to be mean, but he just had gotten to the point of indifference.

 

And I love that story, because what it shows you is that we learn from this experience will change our lives forever no matter what, but how we change them is up to us.

 

Another story, is the one of my friend who got dumped, used coke, used heroin and then died.

 

He overdosed. and granted it was probably 4 years after he got dumped the slippery slope started there after and no one blames anyone but himself...and im not saying you will die from this but...

 

What I am saying is this is your time to do whatever it is. Whether it is career, or lady's man, of monk, or have 18 children or write a book, or ...well whatever...JUST DO SOMETHING WITH THIS PAIN.

 

because i don't know if you ever feel something like this again.

 

You have to learn not to be so into someone but yourself, you have to learn that life just isn't fair, and you have to also learn that sometimes life just plain sucks, sometimes people leave you and you are never the same.

 

And sometimes everything is for the best. But you really have to learn form this, what you want in life and love and what you don't want.

 

And if you do I promise you, you will look back on this as something that was unique and special like you relationship. In fact I know I will cherish this year, because I seriously did more in this year then the previous 24.

 

So just learn from this. And that's it.

 

Bye-

[sarkandlauren]

This seriously is one of the best post I've ever read. It is funny, but so true, and very helpful!

[McGrupp]

i really cant emphasize the steps of finding your happiness again (rebuilding your ego) and meeting new women.

 

i used to go see a concert after the breakup. and I would think about her the whole time. like 2 songs i would enjoy and then the next 3 i would hate b/c i caught i glimpse of a couple making out.

 

then i would go to another concert. enjoy 4 songs, think of her for 2, and see the couple.

 

and then i would go to another concert. enjoy 15 songs, think of her for one, and see the couple and think "why would you pay to make out at a concert?"

 

just keep it moving. women can help also

[br0ken_w0lf]

Truly awesome post, McGrupp! Just recently found out and will be sure to re-read it as I need to. #5 is huge and hits home with me big-time only recently. I love this in #10:

 

"You have to learn not to be so into someone but yourself"

 

I think many people make their partner the center of their worlds (I know 'cause I did) which just doesn't work. Also great advice about taking charge of your life and doing things you want to do. I used my "bad period" to do a couple of things I'd talked about for years and am so happy I did. Just go and do it!!

 

Again, thanks for the great thread!

[1/2moon]

Fabulous post. This is great insight and inspriation to all of us coping. It does take time, but I love your point about knowing off them the pedestal...casue until that genuinely happens, its hard for the others to kick in cause the self-doubt, comparing, what if, questions never really die until we see our EXs for who they truly are.

 

From the posts all written here....if they were really that "special", they would also be "smart" and "smart" people do not let a good thing (like all of us) get away. Now thats not special, just dumb on their end!

[Tayla]

Thanks for this post!

I respectfully disagree though...changing some things in yourself is soo important, otherwise wisdom cannot be achieved. If you were the cheater, stop cheating, if you were the fibber, fib less. (yes we each stretch the truth with our mates), If you were a door mat (gain integrity)..THose changes are positive and self worthy to achieve...and set healthy boundaries which seemed to get crossed in relations that are headed down the wrong path.

[mickleb]

Thanks for this post!

I respectfully disagree though...changing some things in yourself is soo important, otherwise wisdom cannot be achieved. If you were the cheater, stop cheating, if you were the fibber, fib less. (yes we each stretch the truth with our mates), If you were a door mat (gain integrity)..THose changes are positive and self worthy to achieve...and set healthy boundaries which seemed to get crossed in relations that are headed down the wrong path.

 

I don't get this post, Tayla. Wouldn't that be covered by this bit:

 

something happened and although it's not a one way street (she did her part too), you must LEARN from that fact, and forgive yourself.

 

wherther you were to needy, negligent, abusive (seek help), cheated, boring, lackluster in the sack...whatever, you know better then we do and you need to see that thing, know you will fix it in your next relationship, and then FORGIVE YOURSELF.

 

in step #5, as well as the whole of step #10?

 

I think it's a masterpiece, McG and I may have to add it to my signature, seeing as sedgwick seems to have finally moved on a tad.. (Yay!)

 

x

Edited September 18, 2010 by mickleb

[McGrupp]

thanks mickle's

[mickleb]

thanks mickle's

 

No, thank you, The Grupp.

 

 

x

[schmopio]

your post helped me out a bit today! are you single now? lol. i also have a hard time going to concerts. i went to so many with my ex. so its not just one song reminds me its ALL SONG I LIKE!

[nobmagnet]

mcgrupp,

 

inspiational thread. Brilliantly written. Oh so true also.

 

I too am in a great place, moved on and oh so happy and 100x better than i was before i met lowly worm. I seem to have gon through the almost exact pattern as yourself but could never in a million have put is so elequently.

 

Learning to love your self is the greatest gift of all. ( song about that!!)

 

As a single Mum of 3 i swear that i dont beleive i have ever been happier, kids happy im happy (two go hand in hand) and my future is what i want to make it.

 

I took a holiday with my 17yr old daughter to cuba in july, swan with dolphins, snorkled, laughed relaxed and had the best time ever. Just us two. She had been thro the break up as an almost adult and needed it as much as I did. My little kids went on holiday with lowly worn and had a great time too.

 

 

To come to a point where you open your eyes and see life as an oppertunity it quite moving. All doors are open. Take your pick.

 

love to you mcgupp

 

Nobbyxx:love:

[HeavenOrHell]

Great to see you sounding so much happier nobby I am doing well too. Hugs to you hun xxx

[McGrupp]

just a thought as i was washing dishes.

 

dont hang out with people to much who give you sympathy when you wallow, ie family members and friends/

 

try to hang out with the people who wont let you wallow/dont give a ****.

 

they will help far more.

[McGrupp]

bump this for the 1st pagers.

 

i just looked at how ****ty i was doing in march. some thread i dont even remember posting.

 

jeez. people stay NC

[GrayClouds]

good post if your a newbe... read from the start!